Reward = extinguished behavior?!

[kimberkit]

Today, I came across this fascinating passage from Montessori: The Science Behind the Genius:

Mothers who were less involved with their children's interactions, and were less likely to respond to children's bids for attention and help, had children who were more likely to help, comfort and share with each other, and to engage in more enjoyable

Comments

[mhorai]

Interesting and I've read a lot about "punished by rewards" and the like too. On the other hand, I have a son who is currently in a Montessori school and while it has been OK, it's not been great. Part of this has to do with a change of teachers but I think part of it has to do with who he is. He gets along better with adults than other children and craves adult attention. In a Montessori setting, you don't get much adult interaction if you are doing your work and "getting on with it". However, if you mess around and use materials in the wrong way, it's a sure way to get adult interaction. I tried the low praise level for a long time, but recently I've found myself very attracted to the work and methodology of Howard Glasser and the "Nurtured Heart" approach. THis approach is a lot about noticing things and yes, giving praise, but the praise is very very specific and detailed so it avoids the "good job" and "you are so smart" kind of comments that seem to bring about negative effects in the long run. At least that's where we are

[kimberkit]

I think I heard that *describing* things rather than giving praise helps -- maybe that was in "How to Talk So Kids Can Listen and Listen So Kids Can Talk"?

Man, parenting is complicated -- this whole darn book on how Montessori is genius, all foiled by a child who just wants adult attention more than either other kids or the work :) Would R do better if he got more adult attention in extracurriculars or in that time before school? I mean, you are *awesome* and I know you must give him your attention, after all, but if it's specifically the teacher's attention he wants...?