[Captain's Personal Log]
It's early in the morning, and its absolutely beautiful. It's that time of day we almost forget about, being on the ship for long periods of time. Kind of just at the beginning of the dawn, when the world's all asleep, even the birds. Then slowly, they come out and start to sing, and it wakes up the sun. The sun's climbing right now in the sky - I can see it beyond the curtains.
Bones is still asleep like a sane man. His face softens a lot when he sleeps, if you can believe it. He looks like a much younger man (not like he looks old or anything), and more relaxed. Very pleased to say that I could help with that last part.
I've had a lot of sex in my life. Some of it sucked, some was right in the middle, and some was amazing.
Then, there's the two times it ranked above everything else.
The first was fucking my counterpart (up until the shitty part at the end). Jim and I.. well, we don't have some crazy mythical mental bond, but we still could read each other. Maybe its just because we're both Jim Kirk and we talk best without even touching. He told me I could do anything at all to him... but looking back on it, I was tame about it. Why? I still can't puzzle that out.
The second time was last night. Seeing that expression on Bones' face? Fuck. I could learn to love that. There's a fuck ton of confusion between us still, and I'm not really sure where this is all gonna lead. But... I'd like it if no matter where it goes, he decides to stick around. Not sure I could forgive myself if it ended our friendship. Strike that, I couldn't forgive myself. Man's gotta cling to what he wants in life. Whatever this is, its far from perfect, but I want it anyway.
Can't ever say no to a challenge, can I?
I can't wait to get out on a surf board again. It's been a while... weird to think it'll be with my Dad and I think Pike. (Note to self: If Pike calls me Jim, I have to remember to call him Chris. That'll be hard to keep in mind, fuck.) My Dad and I are really similar - shit, I think we look almost creepily alike. Our personalities are both the same and radically different. He's really locked into this weird.. threesome thing he has going on with Pike and Mom. I couldn't imagine that.
...One of those unsure 'far from perfect' things about me and Bones.
He's a joker, serious when he has to be... and weirdly, he and I both can figure out the mix of son/father and captain/officer really well. I didn't even think twice about calling him George on the bridge... though it should have been Kirk I suppose, but with Mom and myself standing right there, that would have gotten confusing.
Mom. Another problem in all of this crazy. I want her to go away. Maybe its a stupid, childish reaction to all of this crap but I don't fucking care. I don't want her a part of my life. A part of me hates that Dad is treating it like nothing ever happened. Still loves her, and if he's acting like this, has forgiven her for what she did or is ignoring it.
Well, I guess I can't really say anything. He knew her for how many years... loved her, all that stuff, and we've known each other for what? Two weeks? Three? Four? I've lost track of time. Maybe its just the whole idea that I couldn't imagine forgiving someone for hurting my kids. Then again, maybe I'm being a selfish bastard. Very possible.
Speaking of family... I have a vid ready to send out to Sam, but fuck knows how long it'll take to reach him, or if it even will. Going to send two copies - one to the Academy to try and find him and one to the colony I know he was at last. I need to talk to him... Sam, where are you?
So let me tell you all about this dream I had last night. It was... batshit crazy. I dreamed I was on Vulcan. Not just... a dream. I could feel everything around me. The weather (surprisingly not as hot as I would have thought?), the wind... it even felt like home. I think I was remember it how Prime did. What would have been killer-hot for a human was perfectly comfortable for him, but the night was freaking cold. Spock's home... looked beautiful.
We talked about a lot of things. Stuff I didn't want to talk about, said shit I wouldn't normally. Definitely know its a dream. But I think... in the end, I guess I feel better about it--
NO.
Fucking hell. I woke up so hard it hurt! I was making out with Spock in my dreams. I would have bent the fuck over that ugly ass chair and let him fuck me until I screamed. Seriously... Spock? Shit, something new I'll have to keep from this verse's Spock from accidentally seeing. Because... fuck, it was hot. Not that... I'm against finishing up what he and I started... possibly with Bones...
Another one of those 'far from perfect' things. I'm a fucking pervert, Bones isn't. ...Least he's never shown any signs of it. How long until he asks me to stop doing something or I hurt him? ...fuck. Relationships are complicated and this one's barely even started.
So what the hell do I call this shit? I'm not calling him my boyfriend. Lover's too personal. And he's more then my best friend now.
...Fucking hell.
At some point, I want to grab Bones, grab that cycle, and go out into the mountains. Just push the cycle's speed, be kinda stupid, feel the rush, with him at my back. Always at my back.
And... I need to go talk to Spock. This verse's Spock. Maybe here, no bullshit about the ship, just chillin' in a bar somewhere or whatever, we could just talk and work some stuff out. He's Vulcan, yea, we don't particularly get along, yea, but he's still my first officer.
Maybe its all these memories shoved in my head, seeing Jim and the older Spock together, but... I'd like to be his friend. ...I told older Spock that I wanted the crew to be Spock's sky. I wonder if I should tell him that, or it'd be too personal. Guess I'll see how the conversation goes.
And as if this all couldn't get worse? I get a communication from Jim and one from another member of the crew. We've got someone up on ship, a Riley that isn't the one already serving on the ship. I cleared him to be there... Jim seems confident about the man, and who better can I trust then myself?
The other... seriously. A Romulan, she's told me. Gonna have to deal with this myself. Maybe I could get it over with before Bones wakes up...
That's a good idea, actually. Sleep well, Bones. I'll leave him a note... a morning ride into town sounds like fucking heaven.
Kirk out.