[NVC Day 20] -- [Questions and Answers] -- [Jim, Bones, Healer]

[kirktastic]

Jim was both looking forward to it and nervous about it. They had agreed to meet the healer at a smaller hotel somewhere away from both the medical centers as well as the Federation guest quarters. It felt almost like trying to buy some back alley off-world drugs or deliver information of a disclosed nature, to the point Jim almost wanted to call

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[dctr_mccoy]

The walk back to their room had been quiet. They both had thoughts running through their heads regarding all they'd discussed that afternoon, and Bones didn't know how it was all going to end up. Would they agree? Would they argue?

He let Jim walk first into the room and headed straight for the kitchen area. "I'm getting a beer," he called out, pulling out a bottle from the refrigeration unit - the perks of being planetside. "You want one?" he asked in a tired voice.

[dctr_mccoy]

That made him smile, small and crooked. "I know," he murmured quietly, looking at Jim. They belonged to each other. "Still, doesn't make this easy to stomach."

He moved his chair closer so he could reach for Jim's hand.

[kirktastic]

Their hands slid together, feeling clean and comfortable despite everything going on. "...so it's true. There is something between us. I saw it and Spock, the old one? He said it was to you but it seemed so impossible... like I had faked it, or dreamed it, or willed it there."

[dctr_mccoy]

Pulling their chairs even closer, he leaned their foreheads together. "Yeah, it's there." He touched Jim's chest, then his own. "I saw it." He smiled, pressing his lips to Jim's forehead. It was red and gold, and it came from here, he touched his chest. "I knew it was you."

Never really occurred to him that it was a bond like - a bond, but yeah, it all made sense now. "Knew there was something between us," he took Jim's hand again.

[kirktastic]

Jim shifted so their cheeks brushed past each other, his free hand coming up and lightly cupping Bones'. "Wonder if its always been there, or if we built it." It wasn't really meant to be answered, just an unknown concept that could never be figured out. "Wonder why you see it as red and I see it as blue."

[dctr_mccoy]

"No idea," he grinned, looking into Jim's face. "Just know that I've never known anything like you." A small kiss, then he sat back, still holding Jim's hand.

But they weren't done talking. "No matter what we decide, we're gonna be okay, Jim. I know that. But we need to decide, and before we leave the planet."

[kirktastic]

"What do we do if we keep it? Someday they're gonna leave and have a life and a mess of kids... can we keep them in danger? We'd still be out there, bonded, and if something happened to us Spock would be--" Well, after talking with the Healer, Bones knew what Jim meant.

"I'd be safety, too. Able to talk when we can't..."

[dctr_mccoy]

Bones could see Jim's mind working, scrambling for answers, weighing the positives and the negatives. Had to look at the big picture like that, if you were a good captain.

But Bones couldn't, wouldn't see that far ahead. He wasn't going to sit here and worry about the future - when he'd die, who died first, anything like that. For Bones, it seemed to be coming down to one- no, two questions - Could he forgive him enough to accept this bond? To accept that he'd hurt Jim, bonded with Jim?

Did the pain of what they'd been through outweigh what could happen to Spock if they snapped the threads now?

He still wasn't sure of what his answer was, to either question. "If we leave it, there's always gonna be a connection. It's a commitment, Jim, and I don't know if I'm ready to make that kind of commitment to anyone but you."

[kirktastic]

"....you wanna break it, then?" Jim whispered quietly, meeting Bones' eyes and just trying to read him like that. Bones always spoke volumes that way, stuff Jim doubted he even wanted to let people know. Had to know how to read it, though. Pretty sure he was an expert on it by now.

[dctr_mccoy]

"I need to be convinced that this is something I want," Bones answered, his voice louder, frustration edging into it. "I mean - I won't break it if it's gonna kill him. I can't do that, Jim. And I'm still mad as hell at what he did." Their eyes met again, and Jim could see the hurt and pain and humiliation that he'd kept pushed down inside. "He lured me there, used you as fucking bait and got me inside the house. And you-"

Bones hung his head down, growling a little as he thought about that day. His voice lowered to a near-whisper. "There is a part of me that is never gonna forgive what he did to you. Just - never gonna happen."

[kirktastic]

Shit, shit. Jim slid a hand up and cupped Bones' cheek, bringing their heads together so that he could whisper. "Bones, don't you think I feel like that too? I couldn't protect you, couldn't keep you safe. I couldn't..." Jim shook his head, just a little.

So gently, so gently, he brushed their lips together. "I'm sorry." Maybe he was just being an asshole for not demanding they go down to that healer right now and screw Spock they would dissolve the bond.

[dctr_mccoy]

He knew Jim hurt about that, knew Jim's first instinct had been to hurt Spock back. People wouldn't believe the protective streak Jim had unless they saw it for themselves. "Don't apologize," he murmured as their kiss ended. "You didn't do anything wrong."

[kirktastic]

"You feel angry and guilty for your reasons, and I feel 'em for mine." Jim brought his head back just a little, searching those dark eyes. "I think we need to talk to Spock. Together, separate, don't care which but... we do." Maybe it was better if they didn't do it together, if they both formed their opinion and made a choice based on that.

He just didn't know anymore what was the right thing to do, not for this. All of it was just being done by guess and feel, hoping not to fall into a pit in the process.

[dctr_mccoy]

"...yeah." It wasn't a conversation he relished having. It had been hard enough the other night at the restaurant, trying to keep his composure. But Jim was right. They needed to answers and in the end, the only one that was going to be able to supply them was their bondmate.

Fuck, even in his head that sounded wrong. Bones wondered how long it would take him to feel that way about Spock, should they keep this thing. In his mind, he had one bondmate, and it sure as hell wasn't the Vulcan.

He played with the fingers on Jim's hand, pressing their fingertips together. "At least we know a little more 'bout this." Looking up at Jim, his eyebrows drew together. "How's your head?"

[kirktastic]

The play of their hands was relaxing, calming him from his worryguiltconcern at least a little. However difficult the conversation with the healer had been, Jim was grateful for having had it. Now they knew more, had something to work with besides their own pain and incredibly limited knowledge.

"S'fine. It was weird, having Tyvek in my head," Jim admitted quietly, lips quirking into a half-smile. "Wasn't like Spock, any of them... like someone pushing furniture aside and around in a room, then re-arranging it when they left."

[dctr_mccoy]

He didn't want to think of how many Spocks had been inside Jim's head. "Don't know if I'll ever get used to this idea of someone rattlin' around up here." He snorted lightly. "Guess I'd make a poor Vulcan."

"You getting hungry?" he asked, his free hand resting on Jim's knee, squeezing lightly. It was near dinner time, at least that's what his stomach was telling him.