Essence - Cardinal
Title: Essence - Cardinal
Chapter: 2/?
Author: kiroyo
Genre: Angst, Drama
Warnings: Implied smut
Disclaimer: I own no one.
Rating: PG15
Pairing: Kai x Reita, Uruha x Reita
Synopsis: He feels, tastes, and smells of someone else.
Comments: Continuation of Essence. Can be read as a standalone though. Comments make me happy, like little bits of candy :3
Uruha's pov
Both of you are important to me.
That was what he said. Here I am mindlessly plucking the strings of my turquoise guitar, looping that line on replay in my head.
I know what I’m doing is wrong. I may be a man, but what I’m doing is no different from that of a vixen. I’m a sinner. I’m committing these wrongdoings for love.
Love.
Love?
Is it not amazing how human beings are willing to dump all worldly possessions and morality just for this feeling? This non-matter thing. This object which has been defined and described by poets for centuries. This item which professors have tried to calculate and formulate for since who-cares-when. I don’t get it, I don’t get them. All I know is that for me, love equates to Reita.
Is love mutual? I wonder if the stars twinkling above are mocking us humans. For the foolish acts we do in pursuit for this emotion. Heck, it’s not just an emotion. I’m not a man of words. Ruki is. I’m not eloquent. I can’t speak well nor write well. I’m disabled when it comes to delivering my feelings and thoughts to others. I need my guitar to commute, through tunes, through melodies, I believe others understand me better when they hear me play.
Like how a blind man needs his stick to see, I need my guitar for others to hear me. Forget similies, forget descriptive scenarios… Forget it all. To put it simply, I need Reita to live.
I know I’ve been greedy. Breaking one of my best friend’s heart just to mend my dysfunctional one. I swear I don’t mean to. If I can attain him without harming anyone, I would definitely opt for whatever option that is available. But no, this seems to be the only way.
However warped this all appears to be, I am actually content. To just have him within 3 meters radius of myself, at a radio show, photo shoot, costume fittings etcetera, I am overjoyed. I’m not supposed to be greedy. I’m not morally allowed to hog him after our scheduled timings, literally, but I can’t help it. Those short trysts at my place aren’t supposed to happen. But I am human after all.
I’ve already committed 5 out of the 7 cardinal sins. Where’s the harm in committing more greed, more lust? Someone like me is on a one-way ticket to hell for sure. But while I’m still on earth, while I’m still living, while I’ve yet to pay for my sins, let me use this time to commit more.
In chasing and trying to keep the person of my desires, in trying to grasp this understanding of love, which is somewhat affiliated with angels and heaven, I’m being bound tighter to the devil.
It’s complex for me to be living in this irony. I’ve transformed into a hypocrite, behaving one way but thinking the opposite towards all the people I know. I feel horrid for doing so, but every time I see those fawn eyes gazing at me, I’m assured once again that I’m fine like this.
The inevitable day will come when he has to choose between the both of us, but until then, I’ll be fine like this.
A/N: I'm on a roll for depressing fics. Go depressed me ):