erase and rewind (1/2) [arashi rps]
Title: Erase and Rewind
Author: waxrose
Rating: PG-13
Length ~14,000 words
Pairing(s) Aiba/Jun, one-sided Sho/Jun
Summary: The past informs the present.
Notes: Written for onlymostlytrue as part of the 2009 je_holiday exchange. Thank you to aeslis, font & rhythmia for being the most amazing beta readers ever. This story would never have been finished without your help, really. Also, thank you to everyone who commented on this story during the original posting! I really appreciated it. ♥
These things happen, even when people have the best of intentions and are trying to do their job properly. There are checks and rechecks, adjustments are made, staff test out the harness and scale the wall. There's never any absolute guarantee, of course, but none of them have ever been the type to worry about that sort of thing.
They are already 140 points down, and if Jun can clear the Cliff Climb, they will be in the lead. He likes doing this, likes racing the clock and pushing himself to his limits, the screams of the audience and the encouraging calls of his bandmates pounding in his ears.
"Fifteen seconds left!" Nino calls, voice rising over the noise of the crowd.
Jun swings his right leg out, fingernails scraping against the wall as he aims his foot at the pink 50-point button. It lights up and the crowd roars. Jun grins. The only way to go now is up.
Nine, eight - Jun can hear Sho counting out loud down below him. This one is going to be right on the line, but he can make it. He's done this before.
"You can do it!" Aiba yells, "Go, go, go!"
Noisy idiot. Jun grins as he reaches for the green grip right above him. If he can grasp it with both hands, he'll be able to pull himself up and grab the rail to swing himself onto the top of the wall. He can do it.
Five seconds.
Jun lunges upwards. There's a brief second of shock when the grip slides out of the wall and into his hand. For a spit second, it's almost like he's hanging in mid-air.
Jun can hear the pitch of the crowd's screams rise in excitement and shock as he falls. The harness slows him and Jun braces himself; he knows that it probably won't be good to land on his back, so he tries to twist himself in mid-air quickly, to get into a better position.
He's only about three feet from the ground when the line jerks sharply, wrapped around his middle. The change in direction jolts Jun unexpectedly sideways in his downward path. Suddenly, the wall is right in front of him, and he is hurtling face-first towards it, gaining momentum.
Jun's head crashes down against the bottom of the wall with a sickening thud before everything goes black.
+
"It isn't fair," Nino says. He doesn't even sound bitter anymore, just dull and resigned. His anger has already worn itself out in the hour he and Jun have been holed up in their hotel room, trying to process everything that was happening. "How can they have just - bring us here like this and tell us we're debuting?"
Jun plays with a loose thread on the comforter, biting at his lip. He doesn't know what to say to Nino. He didn't expect this either, and it's terrifying. But Jun is also excited, really, really excited. He isn't like Nino, who's been talking about directing, about studying in America. He isn't like Sho either, who talks about attending university like it's a given.
And Ohno-san - who knows what Ohno-san thinks? He's barely said two words to any of them since they met in the hotel room earlier to finally learn what they had been brought to Hawaii for.
"Starting today, you are Arashi."
Ohno had gone straight to his own room later, his eyebrows had drawn together in an tight furrow, his face impassive.
Jun understands - it's sudden and so random. But Jun wants to debut - he wants this group - Arashi, whatever they're called. He wants to belong to something bigger than himself.
Isn't that what they were all working towards?
"It isn't fair," Nino repeats. He just sounds tired now.
Jun sighs. He doesn't know why he had to room with Nino. Ohno got his old room since he was the oldest, and Sho-san was with Aiba, right across the hall. "We should get some sleep. We've got the press conference in the morning, don't we?"
"Fantastic," Nino mutters. "A boat."
But Nino pulls back the covers of the bed he's sitting on, right across from Jun, a sprawl of pale, skinny legs and faded boxer shorts as he tries to dig the pillow he'd thrown against the wall earlier in a fit of frustration out from the space between the bed and the wall.
It's only once they've turned the lights out that Jun lets the enormity of their situation sink in. It's quiet now, lying still in bed with the only sounds the hushed footsteps of people walking by in the hallway outside their door, voices fading in and out as they pass. Their managers and the company staff have left them alone almost completely since the meeting.
Arashi. It was a kind of a lame name, honestly. How long could they possibly last, anyways? If Nino left, and Sho too…
He twists restlessly in his sheets, trying to imagine the next day. They would be going on a cruiser, they had been told. There would be a live feed to news programs in Japan - Jun should probably call his mother in the morning and tell her that he's going to be on television. His stomach twists with anxiety. His parents will be proud of him, of course, although they're not really the type to make a huge fuss about things. But this is a debut.
Jun counts forward slowly, trying to figure out what time it is in Tokyo. His internal clock and the events of the day have left him brimming with energy. If he calls tomorrow morning - that might be no good. Should he try to call tonight? It wasn't like he was getting any sleep.
Jun was pretty sure that Aiba had bought a phone card in the airport gift shop when they had first arrived. He would probably let Jun borrow it to make a quick call.
His decision made, Jun slides out from under the sheets into the air-conditioned chill of the room, bare feet padding softly against the carpet. He grabs his key from his bedside table and shoves his feet into the flip-flops he'd left near the door earlier.
The door of Aiba and Sho's room is closed and Jun hesitates for a moment before knocking.
Sho opens the door after a moment. There's a visible tension in the line of his shoulders, but his scowl relaxes a little when he sees Jun.
"Um," Jun says, feeling awkward. He never knows what to say or do around Sho. Hopefully that will get easier, now that they're group mates. "Sorry - is Aiba-kun around?"
Sho shakes his head. "He said he was going to walk around for a bit. He's been gone for about a half-hour." He studies Jun critically. "Nino's sleeping?"
"Uh-huh." He shouldn't be jealous of how close Nino is to Sho. It's irrational and Jun knows it. Nino seems to get along with everyone like it's natural for him. He was even holding hands with Ohno-san today.
"You couldn't sleep?" Sho's voice is a little softer now.
Jun shuffles, scuffing the toe of his orange flip-flops into the hallway carpet. "There's a lot to think about," he admits.
"Yeah." Sho sighs. "Right. Listen, did you want me to tell Aiba you were looking for him when he comes back?"
"No, don't worry. I'll go look for him now. I could use a walk."
"All right - good night, then." Sho says. He shuts the door before Jun can thank him.
Jun finds Aiba outside, right beside the pool. He's crouched on the concrete, listlessly dipping a finger into the still, dark water and tracing swirls that leave silver ripples in their wake.
"Hey," Jun says. He clears his throat, sticking his hands in his pockets as Aiba startles. He walks over to the pool's edge, crouching down beside Aiba. "Couldn't sleep, either?"
Aiba dips his fingers into the pool again, swishing them back and forth. "I'm a bit tired," he says finally. He does sound groggy. "But I just - needed to get out for a bit."
Jun can understand that. "Is Sho-kun okay?" he asks carefully. Nino's anger had been caustic at first, almost painful in its intensity.
Aiba's hand stills in the water, circles radiating from his motionless fingers. "Probably." Aiba sighs. "I'm kind of stupid, huh? It's so sudden, but - I think this could be fun, maybe. But I don't think anyone else wants to debut. We're going to be a pretty lousy group if we stay this way."
"We'll be okay." Jun says. He doesn't quite believe it himself, but he supposes they have to believe something. "Everything will probably settle down after the press conference tomorrow, you'll see."
Aiba laughs a little, high-pitched and scared. "I can't remember what I'm supposed to say," he admits.
"We want to create a storm through the entire world." Jun hadn't thought anything of the line at the time they received their instructions, but it sends a shiver through him right now, at this moment. It could just be the air blowing off the sharp ocean waves just beyond the hotel grounds, though. The ocean is wild tonight, white foamy peaks and rolling, salty waves.
"Through the entire world," Aiba whispers. "That's right. Thanks, Jun-chan."
"No problem." They both watch faint ripple of the pool in silence. Jun watches the ripples created by Aiba fan out and grow, fading at the farthest reaches of the pool as they break against the walls.
They walk back to their rooms together and Aiba gives Jun a timid smile, his messy bangs falling in his eyes as he unlocks the door to his and Sho's room and disappears inside. Jun remembers the calling card just as the door clicks shut behind Aiba - well, he supposes he can just ask tomorrow.
Nino's bed is still when Jun enters the room, the rise and fall of Nino's chest just barely visible in the half-darkness of the room. Jun crawls back into the cool, antiseptic-smelling sheets of his hotel bed, tucking his arms behind his head and staring into the darkness. He can feel sleep tugging at the edges of his consciousness, his mind slowing.
Their path has been decided for them now; all he can do is face tomorrow and trust that they'll be okay.
+
The first thing that Jun sees when he opens his eyes is a gigantic blue - something - looming high above him, with an equally giant plastic-toothed grin.
"Ah, he's coming around." Ohno's head blocks Jun's view of the giant blue monster. "Jun-kun?"
"Ohno-san?" Jun croaks. Why does Ohno look different than usual?
"I think he's okay," Ohno says to no one in particular, and yes, it's Ohno's voice, and Ohno's face, even though the lines are deeper around his eyes and his hair is black and spiky, not flopping down around his face. "Jun, are you okay?"
"I think so," Jun says. He feels shaky and his head is killing him, but mostly, he's just very, very confused. He sits up a little, gingerly, and Ohno places a protective hand on his back. Jun blinks at their surroundings and yes, there really is a giant blue monster. It looks like a variety show set, which means -
"Are we in Japan?" Jun asks. His own voice sounds, deeper, rougher.
"Oh my god," says Sho. His face appears over Jun's, and Jun just stares at him, wide-eyed. It's Sho-kun, definitely, but he looks - his face is somehow sharper, his hair framed stylishly around his face. He looks…older. "You're joking, right?"
"Everyone, please step back a little." An unfamiliar man wearing a staff t-shirt gently pushes his way to the front of the huddle of people surrounding Jun. "We're going to have to stop filming for the time being. Aiba-kun, Sakurai-kun, could you please help Matsumoto-kun back to the dressing room? We'll have the staff examine him there while he rests."
"If you can't walk -" Sho begins, but Jun is already trying to stand, bracing one hand on the ground to push himself upwards. Strong hands grab his underarms and help him gently up the rest of the way, then remain on his shoulders to support him. Jun turns around to see Aiba's dark eyes, worried and wide.
Jun feels disoriented all over again; Aiba's eyes in a face that's just slightly different, and his frame is solid against Jun's back, taller than Jun by just an inch and muscular. It's a bit unnerving to be able to look Aiba directly in the face.
"Are you okay?" Aiba whispers, as Sho moves in on Jun's other side, slipping an arm around his waist so that Jun is balanced between the two of them as they move slowly off towards a hallway. Jun realizes for the first time as they walk that the room is filled with people, not just staff and a film crew, but an audience full of people watching almost silently.
I don't know where I am, Jun wants to say. He's scared. He's really, really fucking scared. His own body feels somehow foreign to him, his feet heavier. I'm taller, he thinks. Walking into the dressing room full of mirrors is a shock, like falling into ice water face-first. His own face stares back at him, but he's…not himself.
Jun traces the edge of his cheekbone, tugs on his hair. There's a bump on his forehead, near his hairline, red and painful-looking - no wonder his head hurts. His hair is longer. He's taller, he's…
He's older. He looks old - in his late twenties at least. What the hell is going on?
"You should lie down," Sho says, jolting Jun out of his reverie. "They'll be here in a minute to examine you - fuck, Jun, you really scared us."
"I'm sorry," Jun says, out of reflex more than anything.
"It's okay, it's okay," Aiba says, guiding Jun towards the couch. Jun sinks into it. The cool smooth feel of the leather is soothing, and Jun wants to bury his face into it. "It's all right. Everyone's just glad that you're not hurt. No one is angry."
They've interrupted some filming because of him, Jun realizes. The entire staff and audience are on standby, all because of him. An overwhelming sense of shame fills him. He isn't even sure what he did and his head aches. Plus they have the press conference in an hour and - he springs upright, bounding off the couch. "Shit, the press conference! We have to go now."
"What press conference?" Sho asks, looking confused. "Jun, just sit down and relax!"
They - wait, he isn't in Hawaii anymore. That probably means that there is no press conference.
"What happened to me?" Jun asks carefully, easing himself back down onto the couch. Aiba sits down beside him, looking worried.
"You fell, and…" Sho's voice trails off. He stares at Aiba. "You don't think he -?"
Aiba laughs. "This isn’t a drama, is it? He's probably just - well." He sounds uncertain.
Sho's expression is serious. "I'm going to go talk to the staff, okay? Just relax, all right?"
Jun fiddles with the sleeves of his sweater. It's orange and blue and just about the most hideous thing that Jun has ever seen. He tries to remember what he was doing last - he had gone to bed after he'd talked to Aiba.
It was definitely too vivid to be a dream, but maybe it was some sort of hallucination. Or jetlag. Maybe he's in a coma. Jun feels exhausted now that he's sitting down.
It takes Jun a moment to realize that Aiba is still beside him, watching him with a confused expression. Jun looks over at him, trying to smile. "Hey."
Aiba's smile is tremulous, confused. "Hey." He reaches out towards Jun, but stops with his hand a bare inch from Jun's neck before letting it fall back to his side awkwardly.
"Do you remember what we talked about last night?" Jun asks. He has to know. He has to be sure, because nothing else makes sense. "Tell me."
"Yeah," Aiba says slowly. "We talked about my new building fees and you said -"
"What building?"
"My apartment building, of course." A staff member passes by in the hallway and Aiba's eyes dart towards the open door. "Look, maybe we should talk about this later. Are you sure you're feeling okay?"
Jun closes his eyes. There's no reason for Aiba not to remember something they had just talked about before they went to bed. No reason except -
"What's the date?"
"Jun, quit joking -" Aiba's eyes widen. "Wait - you serious, aren't you? You really don't know?"
Jun spies a newspaper on the coffee table just to the left of the couch. He springs up and grabs it, hands shaking slightly as he smoothes out the front page.
"Jun, you need to relax! Just sit down."
February 12, 2010.
There are footsteps in the hallway, unfamiliar voices talking to Sho.
"…asked if we were in Japan," Sho says. "He's acting really weird. Something's wrong."
+
The older staff guy from earlier introduces himself as the show's producer, and the other frazzled-looking guy in a wrinkled suit turns out to be Arashi's manager. Jun wonders where his manager is. Sho is standing near the door, fidgeting.
Ohno and Nino trail into the room, slumping on the couch opposite Jun and Aiba.
"How did Giant Crash go?" Aiba asks.
"Lost," Ohno says mildly. "We need your eyes for that one, Jun, I think. I'm no good at that game."
Aiba makes a sympathetic noise. "We can still win."
Jun has absolutely no clue what they're talking about. Someone had brought him a glass of orange juice, and he's sipping at it gratefully. The overwhelming bubble of panic that had pressed urgently in his chest when he had first seen the newspaper is slowly deflating in his chest, but he's still confused as hell.
"Okay," their manager says. "Jun-kun. What's the date?"
"The fifteenth of September," Jun says automatically. He hesitates, suddenly uncertain. "It's not 1999, is it?" he says finally.
There's a long, heavy silence.
"Wow," Nino mutters, tugging on his cap. "This can't be good."
"You can't be serious," Sho says incredulously, and Jun jumps a little when he realizes that those words are directed at him. "Jun? What's going on?"
"I don't know." It comes out more snappish than he'd intended. "I - sorry, Sho-kun. All I remember is going to bed, and they told us that we were going on the boat tomorrow - I mean today. I mean -"
"Oh great, he thinks we're in Hawaii." Jun's shoulders tense at the dark humour in Nino's voice. "He's thinks we're debuting."
"Stop it," Ohno says quietly. "That's not going to help."
"Jun-chan?" Jun almost jumps as Aiba gently touches the back of his hand. "We debuted over ten years ago."
The world, which had been slowly righting itself, promptly tips over onto the side. Jun takes a deep breath, gripping the edge of the couch. He can see his reflection in the mirrors across from the couch, and he isn't stupid enough to not know why he can't recognize the face staring back at him in shock.
The producer stands, looking grim. "We're probably going to have to re-schedule," he says, directing his words at a staff member hovering near the door. "Matsumoto-san is going to need to go to the hospital."
"What?" Jun protests. "No, I'm - I'm fine, really." And it's true - he can't figure out where the hell he is, but his head only hurts a little and his vision is clear. More than anything, he can't stand the thought of inconveniencing so many people. That big, colourful studio had been full of guests - and it would probably be rude to the program staff, to whoever the hosts were. "Just tell me what to do."
"Absolutely not," their manager says firmly. "You are not doing anything until you've been checked out."
"You were unconscious for almost five minutes, Jun," Sho adds. He turns to the producer. "Could we maybe try to finish the show with just the four of us? We only have the final game left, right? We're going to have to explain something to the audience anyway."
"I think Jun is right." Jun had been staring sullenly at his hands folded in his lap, but his head snaps up when Nino speaks up.
Nino meets everyone's stares levelly. "It's just Rolling Coin Tower, right? Jun wasn't going to play this round anyway." He shrugs. "We'd just make everyone worried if we cancelled or he didn't come back. If he shows up and we finish this off, then he can go get checked out and there will be a lot less panic."
There's a moment of silence as everyone considers that. The producer finally sighs. "Are you sure you're okay?"
+
So that was that, then. Jun is twenty-six, not sixteen. He's not in Hawaii, but he's still in Arashi, and apparently he nearly cracked his skull open trying to climb a wall.
The rest of it, Jun decides firmly, he can figure out after they finish filming. He's not sure if he's mentally ready to find out if he's married, or has a kid or something.
It turns out that it's their show - Arashi's show. VS Arashi, whatever the heck that means, is a game show. As the makeup artists grimly attack Jun's forehead with paste-like foundation, Sho fills Jun in on what he needs to know.
"It's broadcast in golden time," Sho says proudly, as they finally walk towards the set.
Jun stares at him. "Golden time?" How the hell did they manage that?
Aiba, Nino and Ohno arrive behind them. "Ready?" Aiba asks.
"Just act normally," Sho advises. "Nino and I will play the game, so you don't have to worry about making comments or anything."
The roar of the crowd is almost deafening as they walk on the set. Jun smiles and waves at the audience, feeling awkward.
A short man with floppy hair flounces - Jun can't think of any other way to describe his bouncy, floaty half-run. "Matsumoto-san, are you all right?" He drapes an arm around Jun's shoulder. "I've been so worried."
Jun smiles weakly. "I'm fine, thank you." He slips out from under his arm and finds Nino, tugging on his sleeve. "Who is that?" he hisses in Nino's ear.
"Who? Oh, that's Kaba-chan," Nino says. "He's our Plus One for today. And you're on very good terms with him - he's already grabbed your ass three times."
"All right." There's a call from the cameras and Jun quickly gets shooed into place next to Ohno and Aiba near a large, round table. "We start in five, four, three…"
Sho starts talking and Jun tries his best to look attentive, but he can't stop scanning the studio. It's filled with people - girls and guys, teenagers and middle-aged people, even children. They're all here to watch them?
"Matsumoto-san?" The loud voice cuts through Jun's thoughts and he blinks. "Matsumoto-san, is your head all right?"
It's some sort of announcer speaking - Jun can see the booth from where he's sitting now that he looks closely.
"Yes, I'm fine." Jun says. His voice sounds unnaturally loud to his own ears. "Um. I'm very sorry for worrying everyone." He bows deeply to the audience.
"That's good," Sho says, picking up smoothly as the clapping fades out and Jun is beginning to wonder if he needs to say anything else. "We were all really scared! I don't think I've ever seen this guy," he jerks his thumb at Ohno, who smiles sheepishly, "Run that fast before, unless food was involved."
Everyone roars with laughter and Jun laughs weakly along, relieved.
The Rolling Coin Tower that Nino had talked about turns out to be some sort of stacking game. The rules are easy enough to grasp, and by the time that Nino has to stand on the very top of his stairs to reach the teetering stack, Jun has completely forgotten everything but the anxiety of the game. He's shouting out encouragement, clapping and cheering when Sho manages to place a third ten-point coin while the tower wobbles away from him.
The tiny female comedian who seems to be on the team playing against them finally topples the stack with a screech, almost falling backwards herself. Sho and Nino exchange a high-five and Aiba yells happily, pulling Jun and Ohno into a group hug. They've won, Jun realizes.
Sho and Nino get pulled into the hug, too. Nino is laughing and Jun's heart twinges a little when he remembers Nino's grim, lost expression before they had gone to bed last night.
Well, it hadn't really been last night he supposes. Eleven years ago, but if Nino had really stuck around for that long, maybe Arashi turned out to be okay.
Kaba-chan joins the group hug, and it's only about two seconds before Sho leaps away from the circle, shrieking like a girl and clutching his ass.
The cameras are still rolling and the staff is laughing along with the audience as Kaba-chan chases a shrieking Sho around the set, trying to give him a congratulatory kiss. It feels good, Jun decides. Arashi seems like a fun group.
He just wishes he could remember what they've done together all these years.
+
Two hours of being poked, prodded and scanned in every way possible makes Jun's head hurt even more than it had before they'd arrived.
The doctor's diagnosis is post-traumatic retrograde amnesia. In other words, Jun hit his head and can't remember anything that's happened for the past ten years. Somehow, Jun can't bring himself to feel surprised.
"It's likely temporary," Dr. Kawasaki tells them. "A short loss of consciousness usually indicates only a brief period of symptoms. The fact that you say you can't remember such a long period of time is unusual, though, quite unusual."
"Can you say when he might recover?" Jun's manager presses. "You said it was likely temporary, correct?"
"That's no guarantee, of course." The doctor pushes his glasses up on his nose, examining Jun's scans again. "A loss of consciousness immediately following the accident sometimes indicates a longer period of recovery. Extended amnesia symptoms can also be an indicator of post-trauma complications - so I suggest that you come visit again in a week, especially if you haven't regained any of your lost memories. But it's still quite possible that you could regain your memories even within an hour or so, perhaps by tomorrow."
"As long as you're feeling physically well, it might be best to try and experience as much of your normal activities as you can." Dr. Kawasaki smiles warmly. "If I'm able to say so, Matsumoto-san, being in a public profession, you should have access to a good amount of media on your past as well. That might be helpful."
Jun's manager remains behind to conference with the doctor and so Jun heads back to the small, private waiting room alone, walking through the narrow hallways between the examination room and the waiting area with deliberate slowness.
Aiba and Nino had come along to the hospital with Jun, and they're talking quietly in the waiting room as Jun emerges from the hallway. Jun hesitates in the doorway of the waiting area. Seeing the other Arashi members is almost as startling as seeing himself in a mirror; so familiar, but so different. It's unnerving.
" - can't tell him that," Aiba is saying. "He'll freak out. I - oh, Jun. You're back!"
Nino stands up when Jun approaches them. "I've got to run," he says. "Concert rehearsal. You'll be okay, right?"
"I - yeah," Jun says reflexively. Had they been talking about him?
"I'll call you tomorrow," Nino promises and Jun nods numbly.
He and Aiba stand in silence for a moment, looking at each other.
"Should we be there, too?" Jun blurts out suddenly. "For concert rehearsals?"
"It's for his solo con," Aiba says. He picks his bag up off his chair. "Next month, for White Day."
Jun nods. Nino was having a solo concert? He was curious, but he was also getting tired of asking about all these things he was supposed to know.
Their manager arrives just then, trying to smooth out his rumpled tie as he walks over to where Aiba and Jun are still standing.
"I've got to report back to the agency," their manager says, looking harried. "Jun-kun, I'll be in touch with you tonight, all right? Make sure to call immediately if anything happens."
"Yes," Jun says. "I will, thank you."
That's right - he's in Tokyo. It's late, already after nine. There are no windows in the waiting room, but it must be dark outside - the sun was setting already when they arrived at the hospital.
Maybe he should try to call his mum. Jun fingers the smooth, cool plastic of the mobile in his jacket pocket. It was so sleek and thin. Aiba had spent the entire ride over to the hospital showing Jun how to send e-mails on it - Jun remembers that his dad's new phone could do that, too. It couldn't take pictures, though - the battery on his phone was already almost dead from trying out that feature in the car.
His mom might have been expecting him home after filming. The hospital isn’t that far from his house, thank god. What is she going to say?
The thought makes Jun's stomach jolt. Eleven years - what do his mother and father look like? And his sister - she must be in her thirties.
Wait, did he even still live at home? He's nearly thirty himself.
"Where do I live?" Jun tries to keep his voice even.
Aiba slings an arm around Jun’s shoulders. "Don’t worry, I know. I'll drive you back to your place, okay?"
+
Aiba talks constantly the entire way back to Jun's apartment, peppering Jun with questions about all the things he's supposed to know.
"Weird!" Aiba says, head tilted to one side, when Jun confirms that no, he can't remember ever skydiving with a yo-yo. He's not actually sure he qualifies as the insane one anymore. "But you remember us, right? Me and Sho-chan and Leader and Nino?"
"Who's Leader?" Jun asks, realizing belatedly that Aiba had said three other names. "Ohno-san? Ohno is Arashi's leader?"
"Woah," Aiba said, his eyes huge. "We're going to have to catch you up, Matsujun." He sounds particularly determined, even for Aiba.
Jun's apartment is in a nice area of the city, pretty upscale. He can't see much in the dark, but the the smooth curves of white stone and elegantly curved balconies look expensive. He can't imagine himself living here.
The security guard seems to recognize Aiba's car and waves them towards the parking garage. Aiba luckily knows the code and they take the elevator up together to the ninth floor.
Jun sorts through his keys as they head down the hallway. "Which one do you think it is?" he asks Aiba. He supposes he could try them all, if he had to.
"Hmm? Oh," Aiba picks the keychain up out of Jun's hand and examines it. "This one, the square gold one." He hands the keys back to Jun, catching Jun's wrist to stop him in front of the door that Jun was about to walk past. "Here we are!"
A sharp bark startles Jun as he finally manages to unlock the door and he nearly jumps back into the hallways as a dark, furry bundle rushes his ankles, whining happily.
"His name is Noël," Aiba says as he locks the door after them. Jun cautiously pets the puppy circling his ankles and yipping. Dogs don't usually take to him that easily, but the tiny black terrier acts like he's never been happier to see Jun. The minute Jun bends down to pet him, the dog executes an enthusiastic jump and ends up licking Jun's nose.
"Noël?" Jun asks, amused, wiping at his nose.
"It was Christmas," Aiba says, laughing at Noël's efforts to climb into Jun's lap. He slides out of his shoes and grabs a pair of soft white slippers. "You two get re-acquainted, okay? I'll get him his dinner, he's probably hungry."
Jun sits in the hallway and lets Noël clamber over his lap, one hand absentmindedly smoothing through his fur. He watches Aiba rummage through his kitchen cupboards, finally emerging with a large bag of dog kibble. He hasn't really stopped and taken a good look at Aiba yet. He's taller than Jun, and slim, but not bone-skinny like Jun remembers. Aiba is usually dressed so casually, too - jeans or shorts and t-shirts, jean jackets, ball caps. Right now he's wearing a pair of loose-fitting stonewashed jeans and a dark purple raglan tee with intricate black and silver printed designs all over the front and back. His hair is longer too, wavy and lighter in colour.
"You really know where everything is, don't you?" Jun says finally, as Aiba pulls a small blue bowl out of another cupboard, walking over to the kitchen sink.
"Oh," Aiba says, and there's a pause while he turns on the tap and washes the bowl, his hair falling into his eyes a little. He brushes it out of his face with the back of his hand. The gesture is so familiar, so casually Aiba that it momentarily stuns Jun. "I come over fairly often, I guess."
That seems strange to Jun, but he supposes it isn’t that weird. He and Aiba had known each other for years before Arashi, so it didn't seem that odd that after another ten years, they'd be even closer.
"No-chan, it's dinner time!" Aiba calls, setting down a dish in a corner just inside the entrance to the kitchen. Noël leaps off Jun's lap, nails clicking against the floorboards as he trots to the kitchen.
Jun stands up and stretches, finally taking in his surroundings. The apartment - his apartment, he reminds himself firmly - is spacious and clean, almost plain. The floors are a dark, shining wood that reflects the softness of the lights Aiba has turned on in the kitchen and living room.
He slips into the worn dark blue slippers left on the ledge off the entranceway and sets off to explore the apartment more fully. There's a bathroom right down the hallway, next to a closet full of towels and sheets, he discovers. Right next to that is a bedroom, most of the space inside taken up by a large bed covered with large, fluffy pillows. Jun flicks on the light and walks inside. The floor in this room is carpeted, a creamy off-white.
He sits down gingerly on the edge of the bed in the darkness. The mattress is firm and springy, bearing his weight without dipping too much. The entire room is pretty empty - small tables and a dresser made of dark, polished wood, a long closet on the wall and a bookshelf in the corner. It feels like a very adult-like apartment.
Aiba appears in the doorway, wiping his hands on a dish towel. He smiles sympathetically at Jun. "Don't remember, huh?"
"Not really." There's a pile of CDs on the table next to the bed. Jun picks them up, sorting through the pile. There are a lot of Arashi singles. He wants to listen to them all and he's debating which one to pick when he realizes that Aiba is still watching him.
"Sorry," Aiba says, when Jun looks up at him questioningly. "I can go now if you want, I just thought you might want someone around, or something."
"No, it's okay." Jun honestly doesn’t mind the company. "You said you come over a lot, right."
"Yeah. I do."
"What do we usually do?" Jun asks, uncertain.
Aiba shuffles into the room, the hush of his slippers soft against the carpet. "Watch really bad variety shows," he says slowly, like he is trying to remember for himself. He sits down on the bed next to Jun. "Just drink and hang out, talk. You cook dinner for me a lot - pasta and stuff," he adds as an afterthought, a smile creeping at the corners of his lips.
"That's such a lie," Jun accuses. He can't help but smile, though. "You're just trying to get me to feed you." But his own stomach growls just then, though, perfectly on cue, and when Aiba starts laughing, Jun can't help but join in.
"Why don' t you go take a bath?" Aiba suggests. "You'll probably feel better. I'll stick around for a bit in case you need anything, okay. Just call me."
"Yeah. Fine." Jun's not a kid. He bites his tongue, though. Aiba looks even more exhausted than Jun feels, and he had still gone with Jun to the hospital and driven him home. He's giving up his own time to try and make sure that Jun is okay.
There are two toothbrushes in the small cup in Jun's bathroom cabinet, one blue and one green. Jun stands and stares at them for awhile before he gives up and turns on the taps in the bathtub. He can try to ask Aiba later.
Otherwise, his bathroom is remarkably ordinary. Comfortable and clean, with thick, fluffy towels and a large tub. Jun almost completely loses track of time as the hot water soothes his aching muscles.
Jun lets himself float contently, listening to the clatter of Aiba - playing with Jun's puppy, maybe? He's making a lot of noise - in the living room. The skin of Jun's fingertips is puckered by the time he finally gets up the energy to hoist himself out of the tub and grab a towel.
Aiba's voice floats past the door. "Mm-hmm. Well no, obviously he still knows who we are, Sho-chan. Although he said he wishes he could forget Nino."
A pause. Jun can hear Aiba flop down on the living room couch. "I think he's fine. The doctors said these things are usually temporary. I mean, really, he didn't hit his head that hard. I think he's smacked me harder than that before."
Jun wraps the dark red bathrobe hung on the back of the bathroom door around himself and heads out towards the main room of his apartment. His head does feel a lot clearer after his bath, and the bitter, sterile hospital smell that had seemed to linger on his skin was gone.
"Yeah. They said he's got amnesia. Can you believe it?"
"I definitely can't," Jun says dryly as he enters the living room, just to see Aiba jump.
"Jun, I thought you were in the - oh here, let me just -" Aiba thumbs his cellphone's keypad quickly and Sho's voice comes on speakerphone.
"Are you there, Jun?" Sho says, sounding hurried and almost short-tempered. "Listen, what did management say? What are we supposed to do?"
"Since it's probably temporary, they agreed that I can keep working," Jun says. "They showed me my schedule." It was unbelievably full. Jun had thought that he would go nuts from the pressure of the debut, from all of the activities and promotions his manager had talked about. That looked like a vacation compared to what he was being expected to do now.
Jun also couldn't help but feel satisfied that he didn't have to go to school. The research paper he had due for Monday that he had been planning to finish on the plane ride home didn't matter anymore. That was definitely a bright spot.
Sho sighs. "Great. Listen, Jun, take care of yourself, okay? I'll see you guys on Thursday. Got to go to a briefing for Zero."
"To what?" Jun asks, feeling stupid.
"I'll explain, okay?" Aiba says reassuringly, as Sho makes a strangled noise over the line. "'Night, Sho-chan!"
"Good night," Sho says, not sounding any less worried. "Jun, I -"
"I'm fine," Jun says firmly.
"Oh," Sho says, sounding sheepish. "I know. We all just want you to - you know, get your memories back."
So do I, Jun thinks, frustrated. He watches while Aiba clicks his phone shut, looking awkward. More than anyone, he wants to remember.
"Oh. Very nice!" Aiba says abruptly, breaking the silence. "All you need is a brandy."
It takes Jun a second to realize that Aiba is talking about his bathrobe. He sits down on the couch next to where Aiba is balanced on the arm. "What's this 'Zero' that Sho was talking about?"
Aiba hums, head tilted to the side in consideration. "Well - I'll explain everything you want over dinner, okay?"
"I didn't say you could stay for dinner," Jun mutters, but Aiba can hear the teasing in his tone and just laughs at him. Noël is pawing at the hem of Jun's bathrobe, whining. Jun picks him up carefully, cradling him in his arms. He is really cute.
Jun can't remember ever trying to cook pasta in his life so far, but how hard could it possibly be?
Aiba sits at the counter and watches him cook, quiet and still. He's probably tired, Jun thinks. He has no idea how early he woke up today, but his body feels heavy and sluggish.
The spaghetti sticks together in clumps, and the sauce is really just tinned tomato paste that Jun found in a cupboard, with some oregano and ground black pepper, but Aiba eats it with gusto. It's not half bad. Jun twirls his spaghetti mindless around his fork, lost in thought. It's hard to get used to the large, quiet space of his apartment. He'd always thought that he'd enjoy living on his own and doing things for himself.
While they eat, Aiba tells him about Arashi. How things went after the debut, what they've done for the past ten years. It's the short version, he tells Jun apologetically, and Jun is honestly glad for that, because his head is spinning by the time Aiba pauses in his re-telling of their Asia tour to eat more of his dinner.
"You have all of our concert DVDs and stuff," Aiba says, while Jun digs into his pasta, which is rapidly getting colder. "We can watch something later, maybe."
"Maybe," Jun echoes. He isn't totally sure how he feels about watching himself do all these things that he can't remember. He's curious, of course, but it also feels a bit like watching a ghost. Everything Aiba has told him feels a bit unbelievable - Sho-kun doing the news, Nino going to Hollywood.
It's nice to have Aiba here. It doesn't feel quite as lonely, somehow. His apartment feels so strange, it's hard to believe he calls this place home. The walls are too white and the floor too cold and it had the faint look of being only slightly inhabited. He misses his own room, with his soft, worn comforter, and things that hold memories that he knows.
Here, he's surrounded by things that he supposes are memories, that must mean something, but he can't figure them out. There's a tall foreign-looking statue with stick-like arms in the corner of his living room that looks slightly creepy. The shelves in his bedroom and in the living room are stuffed with books and CDs that he can't remember buying.
And the toothbrushes - that's right, Jun wanted to ask Aiba about that. If Aiba came over all the time, he might know.
"Hey - do I have a girlfriend?"
It's probably a sudden question, but Jun doesn't think it was abrupt enough to warrant Aiba choking on a forkful of spaghetti.
"No," Aiba wheezes, once he's had some water and stopped coughing. "No idea. Why'd you ask?"
"Oh." It seems kind of pathetic to explain that he had expected to be married if he was 27 - married, maybe getting ready to have kids, not holed up by himself in a tiny, too-clean apartment. He's getting older, isn't he? It's too complicated, so he just tells Aiba about the toothbrushes instead.
Aiba laughs. "They're probably just yours. Sometimes you're pretty anal-retentive. I bet one is for mornings and one is for evenings."
That makes no sense at all. "I don't think I would do something like that," Jun says, rising to pick up their empty plates and bring them to the kitchen.
"Or they might from like, a one-night stand or something," Aiba suggests. "Or an old boyfrie - girlfriend. Someone, uh," he says vaguely, although his face is growing redder.
Jun freezes, still holding the plates.
"What?" he asks, once he can hear past the blood roaring in his ears.
"It's okay," Aiba says quickly. "We've all known that you like guys for years. You don't have to be defensive."
"I don't - " Jun starts, feeling his face go red. "I'm not being defensive." He goes into the kitchen, putting the plates in the sink. He turns on the water, bracing his hands against the countertop and watching the water swirl in the drain. Shit. He wasn't - it wasn't that he didn't know that he was different.
He had known all along - the thing with Sho was just the beginning of his worries. He knew that it wasn't just a phase. But he could not let it get out of control. It was just too dangerous. And if Aiba knew - if all of Arashi knew, then who else knew? What if the company knew? What if the media knew?
"Jun?" Aiba's voice is gentle, his hand tentative on Jun's shoulder. "Don't be mad, okay? I'm sorry. I should have remembered - what you were like then. I don't think you ever let any of us know even half of what you were going through. I've forgotten how hard it must have been for you to tell us."
"Who else knows?" Jun asks grimly. Aiba's hand is solid on his shoulder, thumb absently stroking the back of his neck and Jun fights the urge to shake him off. He doesn't need Aiba's pity.
"I don't know," Aiba says gently. "I don't know if you told anyone else - well, I don't think you told your family at all. You said - there was no point worrying them if you might get married to a girl anyway, or something."
Jun turns off the taps, trying to process things. "Shit." He spins around, staring at Aiba. "I told you?"
"You told all of us," Aiba clarifies. "While we were on tour. It was really horribly mushy, too - you know what I'm like when I'm drunk, right? And Ohno, too. Oh wait, well - maybe you don't, but anyway, we kind of ended up crying all over each other."
"I am so glad," Jun says after a moment, with deep gratitude, "that I don't remember that at all." He takes a deep breath. "I'm kind of surprised. That no one - you know?" Jun waves his hand vaguely in the air, at a loss for words.
"Did you really think we wouldn't stick by you? Or fight for you?" Aiba folds his arms across his chest, looking exasperated. "You're Arashi, too. You're our Matsujun. Our Junnosuke."
There's a pause.
"I'm your what?" Jun asks, with as much dignity as he can muster.
"Junnosuke?" Aiba says, with a confused expression. "Oh, I guess you don't remember, right? You got your name legally changed about three years ago. You said it sounded a lot cooler."
"…I did not," Jun says, with mounting horror. "Oh god, please tell me that I did not do that."
"Hey. This is fun," Aiba says in realization, eyes lighting up.
"I will hurt you," Jun says menacingly. "If you do not tell me right now."
"Tell you what, Junn-ooo-suuuke?" Aiba asks sweetly, drawing out every syllable.
Honestly, he was asking for it. Aiba laughs breathlessly, irresistible little giggly chuffs. Jun is laughing too as he grabs him in a headlock, fingernails digging into a sensitive sport under his ear. "Hey, no, no, wait! Wait! Okay, fine. You didn't."
"That's better." Jun releases Aiba's head, and finds himself backed up against the sink in a fierce hug. "Will you please get off me?"
"No," Aiba says, half-whispering into Jun's shoulder. "Jun, listen. I remember when we debuted, and it was a really scary time, okay? None of us knew what to do, or who we were supposed to be."
"But we've come so far from that, and it turned out okay, it really did. And you're going to remember everything, okay? Really soon." Aiba's voice trails off uncertainly.
Jun tentatively returns Aiba's hug, tucking his face against Aiba's neck. "You're going to cry on me again, aren't you?" he asks gruffly.
"Only if there's no dessert," Aiba says seriously.
+
Their manager calls Jun about half an hour after Aiba had left to notify him that they had cancelled his appointments for the next day and he was to spend it resting. Jun thinks this is a bit ridiculous - no amount of bedrest is going to get his memories back - but he’s grateful for it the next morning when he wakes up feeling sore all over.
Jun's headache sticks around all morning, making him feel slow and almost dizzy. His mouth is dry and he feels drained, weak and shivering even when he turns up the heat in his apartment. He even tries to make coffee on the weirdly complicated and expensive-looking latte machine that takes up at least half of his kitchen counter.
Jun is so frustrated and cranky by the afternoon that when Nino calls, he briefly debates not even answering.
"Hey," Jun says shortly.
"Hey yourself." He can hear the flip of pages on Nino’s end. "Remember anything yet?"
"No," Jun snaps. "Sorry to disappoint you."
"Woah," Nino says. "Sorry. How are you doing?"
Jun sighs. "Terrible."
"Your head still hurts?"
"Yeah." His forehead is almost one big bruise. "I can’t remember the last time I felt this tired, either. It’s like I’ve got a cold."
"Like you’ve…" Nino’s voice trails off. "Hey, wait - Jun, have you had a smoke yet today?"
Jun blinks. "I don’t smoke," he says automatically. Well, it wasn’t like he hadn't ever tried.
"Yes, you do." Nino sighs. "Fuck. No wonder you sounded like you were going to rip my head off over the phone. Look, go have a cigarette. I guarantee you’ll feel a lot more human afterwards."
"But I’m underage!" Jun protests. It takes him a split-second to remember. "Oh."
Nino laughs. "I’m sure you still have at least half a pack in your bag. You gave me one yesterday. You’re coming to the filming tomorrow, right? Leader and I will pick you up in the morning."
"I can take the train," Jun says. Aiba had pointed out Jun’s car to him in the apartment’s parking garage and Jun is tempted to try and drive it. He has a license, after all.
"Jun, I think they want you to come to the studio alive." Nino sounds amused. "Being moderately clothed might help, too."
Jun isn’t convinced. "I take the train all the time. What are the odds that someone will recognize me?" His hat collection, he was pleased to note, had grown exponentially in eleven years.
"You don’t want to know," Nino says grimly. "Eight’o-clock, okay? And trust me - have a cigarette."
"Thanks," Jun says softly. Nino’s voice is still the same, high-pitched and scratchy. It’s oddly comforting. "Hey, Nino?"
"Yeah?"
Jun bites his lip. "Why did you stay? In Arashi."
"Why did I stay?" Nino repeats. There's a pause and Jun's fingers tighten around his phone. He can hear Nino breathing on the other end of the line. "That’s right - I wasn’t really happy during our debut, was I? If it wasn’t you five, I probably would have never stayed."
"Arashi -" Jun tries to find the right words. "We’re doing well, right?"
"We haven’t changed," Nino says firmly. "And we’re the best."
"I’m going to try to remember."
"You will. You definitely will," Nino replies amiably. "And if not - hell, you’re a lot cuter like this, Matsumoto."
Jun hangs up on him, but he’s grinning when he does.
+
Jun goes back to work the next morning. Nino picks him up in front of his building at exactly eight, just as promised.
Ohno smiles sheepishly at Jun from the front as Jun climbs into the backseat. "I can’t drive either," he says sympathetically.
"And unlike Jun-kun, you don’t have amnesia," Nino says. "You’re just a useless adult."
Looking at himself in the mirror still feels bizarre; Jun can't get used to the sharper, more defined features of his face. He stands and stares for about five minutes in the dressing room mirror after he takes his shirt off to change back into his street clothes. He's taller, of course, but also more muscular, his shoulders and chest solid and tapering down to a slim waist. There's even a scar he doesn't recognize: a long white scratch just beneath his hip bone. Jun wonders how he got that.
The others are still a shock, too - Jun honestly feels most comfortable around Nino, who looks like he hasn't aged a day in eleven years and acts like Jun hasn't either. He's also a good head shorter than Jun, which cheers Jun up considerably. But there are also deep lines under Nino's eyes, and his face is pinched with pain by the end of the day's filming. He's getting treatment for his back and he's much better, Aiba tells Jun quietly, but it's still unnerving to see Nino walking so slowly and carefully.
Ohno looks almost like an entirely different person, with his hair darker and cut in short, fluffy spikes, his skin tanned and his eyes brighter and more relaxed than Jun remembers. Aiba seems to have grown out of his gangly, knobbly-kneed stage, but he's otherwise still the same old Aiba - sweet and quiet, earnest and sometimes annoying. And Sho -
Jun doesn't quite know what to make of Sho. Sho was good-looking even years ago, with self-confidence and intelligence that made him shine despite his temper and stubbornness. Jun couldn't help but admire him, want him. The years seem to have worn down Sho's sharper edges. He laughs more easily and he speaks gently and precisely. He sounds like an adult - which, Jun supposes, he is. They all are.
The official word from management is to continue on as normal, with instructions to the other members of Arashi to handle the bulk of talking during interviews and shows if Jun doesn’t feel comfortable. It feels like he apologizes a thousand times during the morning.
The sooner he can remember, the better.
Part 2
cross-posted to kotobayori
Author: waxrose
Rating: PG-13
Length ~14,000 words
Pairing(s) Aiba/Jun, one-sided Sho/Jun
Summary: The past informs the present.
Notes: Written for onlymostlytrue as part of the 2009 je_holiday exchange. Thank you to aeslis, font & rhythmia for being the most amazing beta readers ever. This story would never have been finished without your help, really. Also, thank you to everyone who commented on this story during the original posting! I really appreciated it. ♥
These things happen, even when people have the best of intentions and are trying to do their job properly. There are checks and rechecks, adjustments are made, staff test out the harness and scale the wall. There's never any absolute guarantee, of course, but none of them have ever been the type to worry about that sort of thing.
They are already 140 points down, and if Jun can clear the Cliff Climb, they will be in the lead. He likes doing this, likes racing the clock and pushing himself to his limits, the screams of the audience and the encouraging calls of his bandmates pounding in his ears.
"Fifteen seconds left!" Nino calls, voice rising over the noise of the crowd.
Jun swings his right leg out, fingernails scraping against the wall as he aims his foot at the pink 50-point button. It lights up and the crowd roars. Jun grins. The only way to go now is up.
Nine, eight - Jun can hear Sho counting out loud down below him. This one is going to be right on the line, but he can make it. He's done this before.
"You can do it!" Aiba yells, "Go, go, go!"
Noisy idiot. Jun grins as he reaches for the green grip right above him. If he can grasp it with both hands, he'll be able to pull himself up and grab the rail to swing himself onto the top of the wall. He can do it.
Five seconds.
Jun lunges upwards. There's a brief second of shock when the grip slides out of the wall and into his hand. For a spit second, it's almost like he's hanging in mid-air.
Jun can hear the pitch of the crowd's screams rise in excitement and shock as he falls. The harness slows him and Jun braces himself; he knows that it probably won't be good to land on his back, so he tries to twist himself in mid-air quickly, to get into a better position.
He's only about three feet from the ground when the line jerks sharply, wrapped around his middle. The change in direction jolts Jun unexpectedly sideways in his downward path. Suddenly, the wall is right in front of him, and he is hurtling face-first towards it, gaining momentum.
Jun's head crashes down against the bottom of the wall with a sickening thud before everything goes black.
+
"It isn't fair," Nino says. He doesn't even sound bitter anymore, just dull and resigned. His anger has already worn itself out in the hour he and Jun have been holed up in their hotel room, trying to process everything that was happening. "How can they have just - bring us here like this and tell us we're debuting?"
Jun plays with a loose thread on the comforter, biting at his lip. He doesn't know what to say to Nino. He didn't expect this either, and it's terrifying. But Jun is also excited, really, really excited. He isn't like Nino, who's been talking about directing, about studying in America. He isn't like Sho either, who talks about attending university like it's a given.
And Ohno-san - who knows what Ohno-san thinks? He's barely said two words to any of them since they met in the hotel room earlier to finally learn what they had been brought to Hawaii for.
"Starting today, you are Arashi."
Ohno had gone straight to his own room later, his eyebrows had drawn together in an tight furrow, his face impassive.
Jun understands - it's sudden and so random. But Jun wants to debut - he wants this group - Arashi, whatever they're called. He wants to belong to something bigger than himself.
Isn't that what they were all working towards?
"It isn't fair," Nino repeats. He just sounds tired now.
Jun sighs. He doesn't know why he had to room with Nino. Ohno got his old room since he was the oldest, and Sho-san was with Aiba, right across the hall. "We should get some sleep. We've got the press conference in the morning, don't we?"
"Fantastic," Nino mutters. "A boat."
But Nino pulls back the covers of the bed he's sitting on, right across from Jun, a sprawl of pale, skinny legs and faded boxer shorts as he tries to dig the pillow he'd thrown against the wall earlier in a fit of frustration out from the space between the bed and the wall.
It's only once they've turned the lights out that Jun lets the enormity of their situation sink in. It's quiet now, lying still in bed with the only sounds the hushed footsteps of people walking by in the hallway outside their door, voices fading in and out as they pass. Their managers and the company staff have left them alone almost completely since the meeting.
Arashi. It was a kind of a lame name, honestly. How long could they possibly last, anyways? If Nino left, and Sho too…
He twists restlessly in his sheets, trying to imagine the next day. They would be going on a cruiser, they had been told. There would be a live feed to news programs in Japan - Jun should probably call his mother in the morning and tell her that he's going to be on television. His stomach twists with anxiety. His parents will be proud of him, of course, although they're not really the type to make a huge fuss about things. But this is a debut.
Jun counts forward slowly, trying to figure out what time it is in Tokyo. His internal clock and the events of the day have left him brimming with energy. If he calls tomorrow morning - that might be no good. Should he try to call tonight? It wasn't like he was getting any sleep.
Jun was pretty sure that Aiba had bought a phone card in the airport gift shop when they had first arrived. He would probably let Jun borrow it to make a quick call.
His decision made, Jun slides out from under the sheets into the air-conditioned chill of the room, bare feet padding softly against the carpet. He grabs his key from his bedside table and shoves his feet into the flip-flops he'd left near the door earlier.
The door of Aiba and Sho's room is closed and Jun hesitates for a moment before knocking.
Sho opens the door after a moment. There's a visible tension in the line of his shoulders, but his scowl relaxes a little when he sees Jun.
"Um," Jun says, feeling awkward. He never knows what to say or do around Sho. Hopefully that will get easier, now that they're group mates. "Sorry - is Aiba-kun around?"
Sho shakes his head. "He said he was going to walk around for a bit. He's been gone for about a half-hour." He studies Jun critically. "Nino's sleeping?"
"Uh-huh." He shouldn't be jealous of how close Nino is to Sho. It's irrational and Jun knows it. Nino seems to get along with everyone like it's natural for him. He was even holding hands with Ohno-san today.
"You couldn't sleep?" Sho's voice is a little softer now.
Jun shuffles, scuffing the toe of his orange flip-flops into the hallway carpet. "There's a lot to think about," he admits.
"Yeah." Sho sighs. "Right. Listen, did you want me to tell Aiba you were looking for him when he comes back?"
"No, don't worry. I'll go look for him now. I could use a walk."
"All right - good night, then." Sho says. He shuts the door before Jun can thank him.
Jun finds Aiba outside, right beside the pool. He's crouched on the concrete, listlessly dipping a finger into the still, dark water and tracing swirls that leave silver ripples in their wake.
"Hey," Jun says. He clears his throat, sticking his hands in his pockets as Aiba startles. He walks over to the pool's edge, crouching down beside Aiba. "Couldn't sleep, either?"
Aiba dips his fingers into the pool again, swishing them back and forth. "I'm a bit tired," he says finally. He does sound groggy. "But I just - needed to get out for a bit."
Jun can understand that. "Is Sho-kun okay?" he asks carefully. Nino's anger had been caustic at first, almost painful in its intensity.
Aiba's hand stills in the water, circles radiating from his motionless fingers. "Probably." Aiba sighs. "I'm kind of stupid, huh? It's so sudden, but - I think this could be fun, maybe. But I don't think anyone else wants to debut. We're going to be a pretty lousy group if we stay this way."
"We'll be okay." Jun says. He doesn't quite believe it himself, but he supposes they have to believe something. "Everything will probably settle down after the press conference tomorrow, you'll see."
Aiba laughs a little, high-pitched and scared. "I can't remember what I'm supposed to say," he admits.
"We want to create a storm through the entire world." Jun hadn't thought anything of the line at the time they received their instructions, but it sends a shiver through him right now, at this moment. It could just be the air blowing off the sharp ocean waves just beyond the hotel grounds, though. The ocean is wild tonight, white foamy peaks and rolling, salty waves.
"Through the entire world," Aiba whispers. "That's right. Thanks, Jun-chan."
"No problem." They both watch faint ripple of the pool in silence. Jun watches the ripples created by Aiba fan out and grow, fading at the farthest reaches of the pool as they break against the walls.
They walk back to their rooms together and Aiba gives Jun a timid smile, his messy bangs falling in his eyes as he unlocks the door to his and Sho's room and disappears inside. Jun remembers the calling card just as the door clicks shut behind Aiba - well, he supposes he can just ask tomorrow.
Nino's bed is still when Jun enters the room, the rise and fall of Nino's chest just barely visible in the half-darkness of the room. Jun crawls back into the cool, antiseptic-smelling sheets of his hotel bed, tucking his arms behind his head and staring into the darkness. He can feel sleep tugging at the edges of his consciousness, his mind slowing.
Their path has been decided for them now; all he can do is face tomorrow and trust that they'll be okay.
+
The first thing that Jun sees when he opens his eyes is a gigantic blue - something - looming high above him, with an equally giant plastic-toothed grin.
"Ah, he's coming around." Ohno's head blocks Jun's view of the giant blue monster. "Jun-kun?"
"Ohno-san?" Jun croaks. Why does Ohno look different than usual?
"I think he's okay," Ohno says to no one in particular, and yes, it's Ohno's voice, and Ohno's face, even though the lines are deeper around his eyes and his hair is black and spiky, not flopping down around his face. "Jun, are you okay?"
"I think so," Jun says. He feels shaky and his head is killing him, but mostly, he's just very, very confused. He sits up a little, gingerly, and Ohno places a protective hand on his back. Jun blinks at their surroundings and yes, there really is a giant blue monster. It looks like a variety show set, which means -
"Are we in Japan?" Jun asks. His own voice sounds, deeper, rougher.
"Oh my god," says Sho. His face appears over Jun's, and Jun just stares at him, wide-eyed. It's Sho-kun, definitely, but he looks - his face is somehow sharper, his hair framed stylishly around his face. He looks…older. "You're joking, right?"
"Everyone, please step back a little." An unfamiliar man wearing a staff t-shirt gently pushes his way to the front of the huddle of people surrounding Jun. "We're going to have to stop filming for the time being. Aiba-kun, Sakurai-kun, could you please help Matsumoto-kun back to the dressing room? We'll have the staff examine him there while he rests."
"If you can't walk -" Sho begins, but Jun is already trying to stand, bracing one hand on the ground to push himself upwards. Strong hands grab his underarms and help him gently up the rest of the way, then remain on his shoulders to support him. Jun turns around to see Aiba's dark eyes, worried and wide.
Jun feels disoriented all over again; Aiba's eyes in a face that's just slightly different, and his frame is solid against Jun's back, taller than Jun by just an inch and muscular. It's a bit unnerving to be able to look Aiba directly in the face.
"Are you okay?" Aiba whispers, as Sho moves in on Jun's other side, slipping an arm around his waist so that Jun is balanced between the two of them as they move slowly off towards a hallway. Jun realizes for the first time as they walk that the room is filled with people, not just staff and a film crew, but an audience full of people watching almost silently.
I don't know where I am, Jun wants to say. He's scared. He's really, really fucking scared. His own body feels somehow foreign to him, his feet heavier. I'm taller, he thinks. Walking into the dressing room full of mirrors is a shock, like falling into ice water face-first. His own face stares back at him, but he's…not himself.
Jun traces the edge of his cheekbone, tugs on his hair. There's a bump on his forehead, near his hairline, red and painful-looking - no wonder his head hurts. His hair is longer. He's taller, he's…
He's older. He looks old - in his late twenties at least. What the hell is going on?
"You should lie down," Sho says, jolting Jun out of his reverie. "They'll be here in a minute to examine you - fuck, Jun, you really scared us."
"I'm sorry," Jun says, out of reflex more than anything.
"It's okay, it's okay," Aiba says, guiding Jun towards the couch. Jun sinks into it. The cool smooth feel of the leather is soothing, and Jun wants to bury his face into it. "It's all right. Everyone's just glad that you're not hurt. No one is angry."
They've interrupted some filming because of him, Jun realizes. The entire staff and audience are on standby, all because of him. An overwhelming sense of shame fills him. He isn't even sure what he did and his head aches. Plus they have the press conference in an hour and - he springs upright, bounding off the couch. "Shit, the press conference! We have to go now."
"What press conference?" Sho asks, looking confused. "Jun, just sit down and relax!"
They - wait, he isn't in Hawaii anymore. That probably means that there is no press conference.
"What happened to me?" Jun asks carefully, easing himself back down onto the couch. Aiba sits down beside him, looking worried.
"You fell, and…" Sho's voice trails off. He stares at Aiba. "You don't think he -?"
Aiba laughs. "This isn’t a drama, is it? He's probably just - well." He sounds uncertain.
Sho's expression is serious. "I'm going to go talk to the staff, okay? Just relax, all right?"
Jun fiddles with the sleeves of his sweater. It's orange and blue and just about the most hideous thing that Jun has ever seen. He tries to remember what he was doing last - he had gone to bed after he'd talked to Aiba.
It was definitely too vivid to be a dream, but maybe it was some sort of hallucination. Or jetlag. Maybe he's in a coma. Jun feels exhausted now that he's sitting down.
It takes Jun a moment to realize that Aiba is still beside him, watching him with a confused expression. Jun looks over at him, trying to smile. "Hey."
Aiba's smile is tremulous, confused. "Hey." He reaches out towards Jun, but stops with his hand a bare inch from Jun's neck before letting it fall back to his side awkwardly.
"Do you remember what we talked about last night?" Jun asks. He has to know. He has to be sure, because nothing else makes sense. "Tell me."
"Yeah," Aiba says slowly. "We talked about my new building fees and you said -"
"What building?"
"My apartment building, of course." A staff member passes by in the hallway and Aiba's eyes dart towards the open door. "Look, maybe we should talk about this later. Are you sure you're feeling okay?"
Jun closes his eyes. There's no reason for Aiba not to remember something they had just talked about before they went to bed. No reason except -
"What's the date?"
"Jun, quit joking -" Aiba's eyes widen. "Wait - you serious, aren't you? You really don't know?"
Jun spies a newspaper on the coffee table just to the left of the couch. He springs up and grabs it, hands shaking slightly as he smoothes out the front page.
"Jun, you need to relax! Just sit down."
February 12, 2010.
There are footsteps in the hallway, unfamiliar voices talking to Sho.
"…asked if we were in Japan," Sho says. "He's acting really weird. Something's wrong."
+
The older staff guy from earlier introduces himself as the show's producer, and the other frazzled-looking guy in a wrinkled suit turns out to be Arashi's manager. Jun wonders where his manager is. Sho is standing near the door, fidgeting.
Ohno and Nino trail into the room, slumping on the couch opposite Jun and Aiba.
"How did Giant Crash go?" Aiba asks.
"Lost," Ohno says mildly. "We need your eyes for that one, Jun, I think. I'm no good at that game."
Aiba makes a sympathetic noise. "We can still win."
Jun has absolutely no clue what they're talking about. Someone had brought him a glass of orange juice, and he's sipping at it gratefully. The overwhelming bubble of panic that had pressed urgently in his chest when he had first seen the newspaper is slowly deflating in his chest, but he's still confused as hell.
"Okay," their manager says. "Jun-kun. What's the date?"
"The fifteenth of September," Jun says automatically. He hesitates, suddenly uncertain. "It's not 1999, is it?" he says finally.
There's a long, heavy silence.
"Wow," Nino mutters, tugging on his cap. "This can't be good."
"You can't be serious," Sho says incredulously, and Jun jumps a little when he realizes that those words are directed at him. "Jun? What's going on?"
"I don't know." It comes out more snappish than he'd intended. "I - sorry, Sho-kun. All I remember is going to bed, and they told us that we were going on the boat tomorrow - I mean today. I mean -"
"Oh great, he thinks we're in Hawaii." Jun's shoulders tense at the dark humour in Nino's voice. "He's thinks we're debuting."
"Stop it," Ohno says quietly. "That's not going to help."
"Jun-chan?" Jun almost jumps as Aiba gently touches the back of his hand. "We debuted over ten years ago."
The world, which had been slowly righting itself, promptly tips over onto the side. Jun takes a deep breath, gripping the edge of the couch. He can see his reflection in the mirrors across from the couch, and he isn't stupid enough to not know why he can't recognize the face staring back at him in shock.
The producer stands, looking grim. "We're probably going to have to re-schedule," he says, directing his words at a staff member hovering near the door. "Matsumoto-san is going to need to go to the hospital."
"What?" Jun protests. "No, I'm - I'm fine, really." And it's true - he can't figure out where the hell he is, but his head only hurts a little and his vision is clear. More than anything, he can't stand the thought of inconveniencing so many people. That big, colourful studio had been full of guests - and it would probably be rude to the program staff, to whoever the hosts were. "Just tell me what to do."
"Absolutely not," their manager says firmly. "You are not doing anything until you've been checked out."
"You were unconscious for almost five minutes, Jun," Sho adds. He turns to the producer. "Could we maybe try to finish the show with just the four of us? We only have the final game left, right? We're going to have to explain something to the audience anyway."
"I think Jun is right." Jun had been staring sullenly at his hands folded in his lap, but his head snaps up when Nino speaks up.
Nino meets everyone's stares levelly. "It's just Rolling Coin Tower, right? Jun wasn't going to play this round anyway." He shrugs. "We'd just make everyone worried if we cancelled or he didn't come back. If he shows up and we finish this off, then he can go get checked out and there will be a lot less panic."
There's a moment of silence as everyone considers that. The producer finally sighs. "Are you sure you're okay?"
+
So that was that, then. Jun is twenty-six, not sixteen. He's not in Hawaii, but he's still in Arashi, and apparently he nearly cracked his skull open trying to climb a wall.
The rest of it, Jun decides firmly, he can figure out after they finish filming. He's not sure if he's mentally ready to find out if he's married, or has a kid or something.
It turns out that it's their show - Arashi's show. VS Arashi, whatever the heck that means, is a game show. As the makeup artists grimly attack Jun's forehead with paste-like foundation, Sho fills Jun in on what he needs to know.
"It's broadcast in golden time," Sho says proudly, as they finally walk towards the set.
Jun stares at him. "Golden time?" How the hell did they manage that?
Aiba, Nino and Ohno arrive behind them. "Ready?" Aiba asks.
"Just act normally," Sho advises. "Nino and I will play the game, so you don't have to worry about making comments or anything."
The roar of the crowd is almost deafening as they walk on the set. Jun smiles and waves at the audience, feeling awkward.
A short man with floppy hair flounces - Jun can't think of any other way to describe his bouncy, floaty half-run. "Matsumoto-san, are you all right?" He drapes an arm around Jun's shoulder. "I've been so worried."
Jun smiles weakly. "I'm fine, thank you." He slips out from under his arm and finds Nino, tugging on his sleeve. "Who is that?" he hisses in Nino's ear.
"Who? Oh, that's Kaba-chan," Nino says. "He's our Plus One for today. And you're on very good terms with him - he's already grabbed your ass three times."
"All right." There's a call from the cameras and Jun quickly gets shooed into place next to Ohno and Aiba near a large, round table. "We start in five, four, three…"
Sho starts talking and Jun tries his best to look attentive, but he can't stop scanning the studio. It's filled with people - girls and guys, teenagers and middle-aged people, even children. They're all here to watch them?
"Matsumoto-san?" The loud voice cuts through Jun's thoughts and he blinks. "Matsumoto-san, is your head all right?"
It's some sort of announcer speaking - Jun can see the booth from where he's sitting now that he looks closely.
"Yes, I'm fine." Jun says. His voice sounds unnaturally loud to his own ears. "Um. I'm very sorry for worrying everyone." He bows deeply to the audience.
"That's good," Sho says, picking up smoothly as the clapping fades out and Jun is beginning to wonder if he needs to say anything else. "We were all really scared! I don't think I've ever seen this guy," he jerks his thumb at Ohno, who smiles sheepishly, "Run that fast before, unless food was involved."
Everyone roars with laughter and Jun laughs weakly along, relieved.
The Rolling Coin Tower that Nino had talked about turns out to be some sort of stacking game. The rules are easy enough to grasp, and by the time that Nino has to stand on the very top of his stairs to reach the teetering stack, Jun has completely forgotten everything but the anxiety of the game. He's shouting out encouragement, clapping and cheering when Sho manages to place a third ten-point coin while the tower wobbles away from him.
The tiny female comedian who seems to be on the team playing against them finally topples the stack with a screech, almost falling backwards herself. Sho and Nino exchange a high-five and Aiba yells happily, pulling Jun and Ohno into a group hug. They've won, Jun realizes.
Sho and Nino get pulled into the hug, too. Nino is laughing and Jun's heart twinges a little when he remembers Nino's grim, lost expression before they had gone to bed last night.
Well, it hadn't really been last night he supposes. Eleven years ago, but if Nino had really stuck around for that long, maybe Arashi turned out to be okay.
Kaba-chan joins the group hug, and it's only about two seconds before Sho leaps away from the circle, shrieking like a girl and clutching his ass.
The cameras are still rolling and the staff is laughing along with the audience as Kaba-chan chases a shrieking Sho around the set, trying to give him a congratulatory kiss. It feels good, Jun decides. Arashi seems like a fun group.
He just wishes he could remember what they've done together all these years.
+
Two hours of being poked, prodded and scanned in every way possible makes Jun's head hurt even more than it had before they'd arrived.
The doctor's diagnosis is post-traumatic retrograde amnesia. In other words, Jun hit his head and can't remember anything that's happened for the past ten years. Somehow, Jun can't bring himself to feel surprised.
"It's likely temporary," Dr. Kawasaki tells them. "A short loss of consciousness usually indicates only a brief period of symptoms. The fact that you say you can't remember such a long period of time is unusual, though, quite unusual."
"Can you say when he might recover?" Jun's manager presses. "You said it was likely temporary, correct?"
"That's no guarantee, of course." The doctor pushes his glasses up on his nose, examining Jun's scans again. "A loss of consciousness immediately following the accident sometimes indicates a longer period of recovery. Extended amnesia symptoms can also be an indicator of post-trauma complications - so I suggest that you come visit again in a week, especially if you haven't regained any of your lost memories. But it's still quite possible that you could regain your memories even within an hour or so, perhaps by tomorrow."
"As long as you're feeling physically well, it might be best to try and experience as much of your normal activities as you can." Dr. Kawasaki smiles warmly. "If I'm able to say so, Matsumoto-san, being in a public profession, you should have access to a good amount of media on your past as well. That might be helpful."
Jun's manager remains behind to conference with the doctor and so Jun heads back to the small, private waiting room alone, walking through the narrow hallways between the examination room and the waiting area with deliberate slowness.
Aiba and Nino had come along to the hospital with Jun, and they're talking quietly in the waiting room as Jun emerges from the hallway. Jun hesitates in the doorway of the waiting area. Seeing the other Arashi members is almost as startling as seeing himself in a mirror; so familiar, but so different. It's unnerving.
" - can't tell him that," Aiba is saying. "He'll freak out. I - oh, Jun. You're back!"
Nino stands up when Jun approaches them. "I've got to run," he says. "Concert rehearsal. You'll be okay, right?"
"I - yeah," Jun says reflexively. Had they been talking about him?
"I'll call you tomorrow," Nino promises and Jun nods numbly.
He and Aiba stand in silence for a moment, looking at each other.
"Should we be there, too?" Jun blurts out suddenly. "For concert rehearsals?"
"It's for his solo con," Aiba says. He picks his bag up off his chair. "Next month, for White Day."
Jun nods. Nino was having a solo concert? He was curious, but he was also getting tired of asking about all these things he was supposed to know.
Their manager arrives just then, trying to smooth out his rumpled tie as he walks over to where Aiba and Jun are still standing.
"I've got to report back to the agency," their manager says, looking harried. "Jun-kun, I'll be in touch with you tonight, all right? Make sure to call immediately if anything happens."
"Yes," Jun says. "I will, thank you."
That's right - he's in Tokyo. It's late, already after nine. There are no windows in the waiting room, but it must be dark outside - the sun was setting already when they arrived at the hospital.
Maybe he should try to call his mum. Jun fingers the smooth, cool plastic of the mobile in his jacket pocket. It was so sleek and thin. Aiba had spent the entire ride over to the hospital showing Jun how to send e-mails on it - Jun remembers that his dad's new phone could do that, too. It couldn't take pictures, though - the battery on his phone was already almost dead from trying out that feature in the car.
His mom might have been expecting him home after filming. The hospital isn’t that far from his house, thank god. What is she going to say?
The thought makes Jun's stomach jolt. Eleven years - what do his mother and father look like? And his sister - she must be in her thirties.
Wait, did he even still live at home? He's nearly thirty himself.
"Where do I live?" Jun tries to keep his voice even.
Aiba slings an arm around Jun’s shoulders. "Don’t worry, I know. I'll drive you back to your place, okay?"
+
Aiba talks constantly the entire way back to Jun's apartment, peppering Jun with questions about all the things he's supposed to know.
"Weird!" Aiba says, head tilted to one side, when Jun confirms that no, he can't remember ever skydiving with a yo-yo. He's not actually sure he qualifies as the insane one anymore. "But you remember us, right? Me and Sho-chan and Leader and Nino?"
"Who's Leader?" Jun asks, realizing belatedly that Aiba had said three other names. "Ohno-san? Ohno is Arashi's leader?"
"Woah," Aiba said, his eyes huge. "We're going to have to catch you up, Matsujun." He sounds particularly determined, even for Aiba.
Jun's apartment is in a nice area of the city, pretty upscale. He can't see much in the dark, but the the smooth curves of white stone and elegantly curved balconies look expensive. He can't imagine himself living here.
The security guard seems to recognize Aiba's car and waves them towards the parking garage. Aiba luckily knows the code and they take the elevator up together to the ninth floor.
Jun sorts through his keys as they head down the hallway. "Which one do you think it is?" he asks Aiba. He supposes he could try them all, if he had to.
"Hmm? Oh," Aiba picks the keychain up out of Jun's hand and examines it. "This one, the square gold one." He hands the keys back to Jun, catching Jun's wrist to stop him in front of the door that Jun was about to walk past. "Here we are!"
A sharp bark startles Jun as he finally manages to unlock the door and he nearly jumps back into the hallways as a dark, furry bundle rushes his ankles, whining happily.
"His name is Noël," Aiba says as he locks the door after them. Jun cautiously pets the puppy circling his ankles and yipping. Dogs don't usually take to him that easily, but the tiny black terrier acts like he's never been happier to see Jun. The minute Jun bends down to pet him, the dog executes an enthusiastic jump and ends up licking Jun's nose.
"Noël?" Jun asks, amused, wiping at his nose.
"It was Christmas," Aiba says, laughing at Noël's efforts to climb into Jun's lap. He slides out of his shoes and grabs a pair of soft white slippers. "You two get re-acquainted, okay? I'll get him his dinner, he's probably hungry."
Jun sits in the hallway and lets Noël clamber over his lap, one hand absentmindedly smoothing through his fur. He watches Aiba rummage through his kitchen cupboards, finally emerging with a large bag of dog kibble. He hasn't really stopped and taken a good look at Aiba yet. He's taller than Jun, and slim, but not bone-skinny like Jun remembers. Aiba is usually dressed so casually, too - jeans or shorts and t-shirts, jean jackets, ball caps. Right now he's wearing a pair of loose-fitting stonewashed jeans and a dark purple raglan tee with intricate black and silver printed designs all over the front and back. His hair is longer too, wavy and lighter in colour.
"You really know where everything is, don't you?" Jun says finally, as Aiba pulls a small blue bowl out of another cupboard, walking over to the kitchen sink.
"Oh," Aiba says, and there's a pause while he turns on the tap and washes the bowl, his hair falling into his eyes a little. He brushes it out of his face with the back of his hand. The gesture is so familiar, so casually Aiba that it momentarily stuns Jun. "I come over fairly often, I guess."
That seems strange to Jun, but he supposes it isn’t that weird. He and Aiba had known each other for years before Arashi, so it didn't seem that odd that after another ten years, they'd be even closer.
"No-chan, it's dinner time!" Aiba calls, setting down a dish in a corner just inside the entrance to the kitchen. Noël leaps off Jun's lap, nails clicking against the floorboards as he trots to the kitchen.
Jun stands up and stretches, finally taking in his surroundings. The apartment - his apartment, he reminds himself firmly - is spacious and clean, almost plain. The floors are a dark, shining wood that reflects the softness of the lights Aiba has turned on in the kitchen and living room.
He slips into the worn dark blue slippers left on the ledge off the entranceway and sets off to explore the apartment more fully. There's a bathroom right down the hallway, next to a closet full of towels and sheets, he discovers. Right next to that is a bedroom, most of the space inside taken up by a large bed covered with large, fluffy pillows. Jun flicks on the light and walks inside. The floor in this room is carpeted, a creamy off-white.
He sits down gingerly on the edge of the bed in the darkness. The mattress is firm and springy, bearing his weight without dipping too much. The entire room is pretty empty - small tables and a dresser made of dark, polished wood, a long closet on the wall and a bookshelf in the corner. It feels like a very adult-like apartment.
Aiba appears in the doorway, wiping his hands on a dish towel. He smiles sympathetically at Jun. "Don't remember, huh?"
"Not really." There's a pile of CDs on the table next to the bed. Jun picks them up, sorting through the pile. There are a lot of Arashi singles. He wants to listen to them all and he's debating which one to pick when he realizes that Aiba is still watching him.
"Sorry," Aiba says, when Jun looks up at him questioningly. "I can go now if you want, I just thought you might want someone around, or something."
"No, it's okay." Jun honestly doesn’t mind the company. "You said you come over a lot, right."
"Yeah. I do."
"What do we usually do?" Jun asks, uncertain.
Aiba shuffles into the room, the hush of his slippers soft against the carpet. "Watch really bad variety shows," he says slowly, like he is trying to remember for himself. He sits down on the bed next to Jun. "Just drink and hang out, talk. You cook dinner for me a lot - pasta and stuff," he adds as an afterthought, a smile creeping at the corners of his lips.
"That's such a lie," Jun accuses. He can't help but smile, though. "You're just trying to get me to feed you." But his own stomach growls just then, though, perfectly on cue, and when Aiba starts laughing, Jun can't help but join in.
"Why don' t you go take a bath?" Aiba suggests. "You'll probably feel better. I'll stick around for a bit in case you need anything, okay. Just call me."
"Yeah. Fine." Jun's not a kid. He bites his tongue, though. Aiba looks even more exhausted than Jun feels, and he had still gone with Jun to the hospital and driven him home. He's giving up his own time to try and make sure that Jun is okay.
There are two toothbrushes in the small cup in Jun's bathroom cabinet, one blue and one green. Jun stands and stares at them for awhile before he gives up and turns on the taps in the bathtub. He can try to ask Aiba later.
Otherwise, his bathroom is remarkably ordinary. Comfortable and clean, with thick, fluffy towels and a large tub. Jun almost completely loses track of time as the hot water soothes his aching muscles.
Jun lets himself float contently, listening to the clatter of Aiba - playing with Jun's puppy, maybe? He's making a lot of noise - in the living room. The skin of Jun's fingertips is puckered by the time he finally gets up the energy to hoist himself out of the tub and grab a towel.
Aiba's voice floats past the door. "Mm-hmm. Well no, obviously he still knows who we are, Sho-chan. Although he said he wishes he could forget Nino."
A pause. Jun can hear Aiba flop down on the living room couch. "I think he's fine. The doctors said these things are usually temporary. I mean, really, he didn't hit his head that hard. I think he's smacked me harder than that before."
Jun wraps the dark red bathrobe hung on the back of the bathroom door around himself and heads out towards the main room of his apartment. His head does feel a lot clearer after his bath, and the bitter, sterile hospital smell that had seemed to linger on his skin was gone.
"Yeah. They said he's got amnesia. Can you believe it?"
"I definitely can't," Jun says dryly as he enters the living room, just to see Aiba jump.
"Jun, I thought you were in the - oh here, let me just -" Aiba thumbs his cellphone's keypad quickly and Sho's voice comes on speakerphone.
"Are you there, Jun?" Sho says, sounding hurried and almost short-tempered. "Listen, what did management say? What are we supposed to do?"
"Since it's probably temporary, they agreed that I can keep working," Jun says. "They showed me my schedule." It was unbelievably full. Jun had thought that he would go nuts from the pressure of the debut, from all of the activities and promotions his manager had talked about. That looked like a vacation compared to what he was being expected to do now.
Jun also couldn't help but feel satisfied that he didn't have to go to school. The research paper he had due for Monday that he had been planning to finish on the plane ride home didn't matter anymore. That was definitely a bright spot.
Sho sighs. "Great. Listen, Jun, take care of yourself, okay? I'll see you guys on Thursday. Got to go to a briefing for Zero."
"To what?" Jun asks, feeling stupid.
"I'll explain, okay?" Aiba says reassuringly, as Sho makes a strangled noise over the line. "'Night, Sho-chan!"
"Good night," Sho says, not sounding any less worried. "Jun, I -"
"I'm fine," Jun says firmly.
"Oh," Sho says, sounding sheepish. "I know. We all just want you to - you know, get your memories back."
So do I, Jun thinks, frustrated. He watches while Aiba clicks his phone shut, looking awkward. More than anyone, he wants to remember.
"Oh. Very nice!" Aiba says abruptly, breaking the silence. "All you need is a brandy."
It takes Jun a second to realize that Aiba is talking about his bathrobe. He sits down on the couch next to where Aiba is balanced on the arm. "What's this 'Zero' that Sho was talking about?"
Aiba hums, head tilted to the side in consideration. "Well - I'll explain everything you want over dinner, okay?"
"I didn't say you could stay for dinner," Jun mutters, but Aiba can hear the teasing in his tone and just laughs at him. Noël is pawing at the hem of Jun's bathrobe, whining. Jun picks him up carefully, cradling him in his arms. He is really cute.
Jun can't remember ever trying to cook pasta in his life so far, but how hard could it possibly be?
Aiba sits at the counter and watches him cook, quiet and still. He's probably tired, Jun thinks. He has no idea how early he woke up today, but his body feels heavy and sluggish.
The spaghetti sticks together in clumps, and the sauce is really just tinned tomato paste that Jun found in a cupboard, with some oregano and ground black pepper, but Aiba eats it with gusto. It's not half bad. Jun twirls his spaghetti mindless around his fork, lost in thought. It's hard to get used to the large, quiet space of his apartment. He'd always thought that he'd enjoy living on his own and doing things for himself.
While they eat, Aiba tells him about Arashi. How things went after the debut, what they've done for the past ten years. It's the short version, he tells Jun apologetically, and Jun is honestly glad for that, because his head is spinning by the time Aiba pauses in his re-telling of their Asia tour to eat more of his dinner.
"You have all of our concert DVDs and stuff," Aiba says, while Jun digs into his pasta, which is rapidly getting colder. "We can watch something later, maybe."
"Maybe," Jun echoes. He isn't totally sure how he feels about watching himself do all these things that he can't remember. He's curious, of course, but it also feels a bit like watching a ghost. Everything Aiba has told him feels a bit unbelievable - Sho-kun doing the news, Nino going to Hollywood.
It's nice to have Aiba here. It doesn't feel quite as lonely, somehow. His apartment feels so strange, it's hard to believe he calls this place home. The walls are too white and the floor too cold and it had the faint look of being only slightly inhabited. He misses his own room, with his soft, worn comforter, and things that hold memories that he knows.
Here, he's surrounded by things that he supposes are memories, that must mean something, but he can't figure them out. There's a tall foreign-looking statue with stick-like arms in the corner of his living room that looks slightly creepy. The shelves in his bedroom and in the living room are stuffed with books and CDs that he can't remember buying.
And the toothbrushes - that's right, Jun wanted to ask Aiba about that. If Aiba came over all the time, he might know.
"Hey - do I have a girlfriend?"
It's probably a sudden question, but Jun doesn't think it was abrupt enough to warrant Aiba choking on a forkful of spaghetti.
"No," Aiba wheezes, once he's had some water and stopped coughing. "No idea. Why'd you ask?"
"Oh." It seems kind of pathetic to explain that he had expected to be married if he was 27 - married, maybe getting ready to have kids, not holed up by himself in a tiny, too-clean apartment. He's getting older, isn't he? It's too complicated, so he just tells Aiba about the toothbrushes instead.
Aiba laughs. "They're probably just yours. Sometimes you're pretty anal-retentive. I bet one is for mornings and one is for evenings."
That makes no sense at all. "I don't think I would do something like that," Jun says, rising to pick up their empty plates and bring them to the kitchen.
"Or they might from like, a one-night stand or something," Aiba suggests. "Or an old boyfrie - girlfriend. Someone, uh," he says vaguely, although his face is growing redder.
Jun freezes, still holding the plates.
"What?" he asks, once he can hear past the blood roaring in his ears.
"It's okay," Aiba says quickly. "We've all known that you like guys for years. You don't have to be defensive."
"I don't - " Jun starts, feeling his face go red. "I'm not being defensive." He goes into the kitchen, putting the plates in the sink. He turns on the water, bracing his hands against the countertop and watching the water swirl in the drain. Shit. He wasn't - it wasn't that he didn't know that he was different.
He had known all along - the thing with Sho was just the beginning of his worries. He knew that it wasn't just a phase. But he could not let it get out of control. It was just too dangerous. And if Aiba knew - if all of Arashi knew, then who else knew? What if the company knew? What if the media knew?
"Jun?" Aiba's voice is gentle, his hand tentative on Jun's shoulder. "Don't be mad, okay? I'm sorry. I should have remembered - what you were like then. I don't think you ever let any of us know even half of what you were going through. I've forgotten how hard it must have been for you to tell us."
"Who else knows?" Jun asks grimly. Aiba's hand is solid on his shoulder, thumb absently stroking the back of his neck and Jun fights the urge to shake him off. He doesn't need Aiba's pity.
"I don't know," Aiba says gently. "I don't know if you told anyone else - well, I don't think you told your family at all. You said - there was no point worrying them if you might get married to a girl anyway, or something."
Jun turns off the taps, trying to process things. "Shit." He spins around, staring at Aiba. "I told you?"
"You told all of us," Aiba clarifies. "While we were on tour. It was really horribly mushy, too - you know what I'm like when I'm drunk, right? And Ohno, too. Oh wait, well - maybe you don't, but anyway, we kind of ended up crying all over each other."
"I am so glad," Jun says after a moment, with deep gratitude, "that I don't remember that at all." He takes a deep breath. "I'm kind of surprised. That no one - you know?" Jun waves his hand vaguely in the air, at a loss for words.
"Did you really think we wouldn't stick by you? Or fight for you?" Aiba folds his arms across his chest, looking exasperated. "You're Arashi, too. You're our Matsujun. Our Junnosuke."
There's a pause.
"I'm your what?" Jun asks, with as much dignity as he can muster.
"Junnosuke?" Aiba says, with a confused expression. "Oh, I guess you don't remember, right? You got your name legally changed about three years ago. You said it sounded a lot cooler."
"…I did not," Jun says, with mounting horror. "Oh god, please tell me that I did not do that."
"Hey. This is fun," Aiba says in realization, eyes lighting up.
"I will hurt you," Jun says menacingly. "If you do not tell me right now."
"Tell you what, Junn-ooo-suuuke?" Aiba asks sweetly, drawing out every syllable.
Honestly, he was asking for it. Aiba laughs breathlessly, irresistible little giggly chuffs. Jun is laughing too as he grabs him in a headlock, fingernails digging into a sensitive sport under his ear. "Hey, no, no, wait! Wait! Okay, fine. You didn't."
"That's better." Jun releases Aiba's head, and finds himself backed up against the sink in a fierce hug. "Will you please get off me?"
"No," Aiba says, half-whispering into Jun's shoulder. "Jun, listen. I remember when we debuted, and it was a really scary time, okay? None of us knew what to do, or who we were supposed to be."
"But we've come so far from that, and it turned out okay, it really did. And you're going to remember everything, okay? Really soon." Aiba's voice trails off uncertainly.
Jun tentatively returns Aiba's hug, tucking his face against Aiba's neck. "You're going to cry on me again, aren't you?" he asks gruffly.
"Only if there's no dessert," Aiba says seriously.
+
Their manager calls Jun about half an hour after Aiba had left to notify him that they had cancelled his appointments for the next day and he was to spend it resting. Jun thinks this is a bit ridiculous - no amount of bedrest is going to get his memories back - but he’s grateful for it the next morning when he wakes up feeling sore all over.
Jun's headache sticks around all morning, making him feel slow and almost dizzy. His mouth is dry and he feels drained, weak and shivering even when he turns up the heat in his apartment. He even tries to make coffee on the weirdly complicated and expensive-looking latte machine that takes up at least half of his kitchen counter.
Jun is so frustrated and cranky by the afternoon that when Nino calls, he briefly debates not even answering.
"Hey," Jun says shortly.
"Hey yourself." He can hear the flip of pages on Nino’s end. "Remember anything yet?"
"No," Jun snaps. "Sorry to disappoint you."
"Woah," Nino says. "Sorry. How are you doing?"
Jun sighs. "Terrible."
"Your head still hurts?"
"Yeah." His forehead is almost one big bruise. "I can’t remember the last time I felt this tired, either. It’s like I’ve got a cold."
"Like you’ve…" Nino’s voice trails off. "Hey, wait - Jun, have you had a smoke yet today?"
Jun blinks. "I don’t smoke," he says automatically. Well, it wasn’t like he hadn't ever tried.
"Yes, you do." Nino sighs. "Fuck. No wonder you sounded like you were going to rip my head off over the phone. Look, go have a cigarette. I guarantee you’ll feel a lot more human afterwards."
"But I’m underage!" Jun protests. It takes him a split-second to remember. "Oh."
Nino laughs. "I’m sure you still have at least half a pack in your bag. You gave me one yesterday. You’re coming to the filming tomorrow, right? Leader and I will pick you up in the morning."
"I can take the train," Jun says. Aiba had pointed out Jun’s car to him in the apartment’s parking garage and Jun is tempted to try and drive it. He has a license, after all.
"Jun, I think they want you to come to the studio alive." Nino sounds amused. "Being moderately clothed might help, too."
Jun isn’t convinced. "I take the train all the time. What are the odds that someone will recognize me?" His hat collection, he was pleased to note, had grown exponentially in eleven years.
"You don’t want to know," Nino says grimly. "Eight’o-clock, okay? And trust me - have a cigarette."
"Thanks," Jun says softly. Nino’s voice is still the same, high-pitched and scratchy. It’s oddly comforting. "Hey, Nino?"
"Yeah?"
Jun bites his lip. "Why did you stay? In Arashi."
"Why did I stay?" Nino repeats. There's a pause and Jun's fingers tighten around his phone. He can hear Nino breathing on the other end of the line. "That’s right - I wasn’t really happy during our debut, was I? If it wasn’t you five, I probably would have never stayed."
"Arashi -" Jun tries to find the right words. "We’re doing well, right?"
"We haven’t changed," Nino says firmly. "And we’re the best."
"I’m going to try to remember."
"You will. You definitely will," Nino replies amiably. "And if not - hell, you’re a lot cuter like this, Matsumoto."
Jun hangs up on him, but he’s grinning when he does.
+
Jun goes back to work the next morning. Nino picks him up in front of his building at exactly eight, just as promised.
Ohno smiles sheepishly at Jun from the front as Jun climbs into the backseat. "I can’t drive either," he says sympathetically.
"And unlike Jun-kun, you don’t have amnesia," Nino says. "You’re just a useless adult."
Looking at himself in the mirror still feels bizarre; Jun can't get used to the sharper, more defined features of his face. He stands and stares for about five minutes in the dressing room mirror after he takes his shirt off to change back into his street clothes. He's taller, of course, but also more muscular, his shoulders and chest solid and tapering down to a slim waist. There's even a scar he doesn't recognize: a long white scratch just beneath his hip bone. Jun wonders how he got that.
The others are still a shock, too - Jun honestly feels most comfortable around Nino, who looks like he hasn't aged a day in eleven years and acts like Jun hasn't either. He's also a good head shorter than Jun, which cheers Jun up considerably. But there are also deep lines under Nino's eyes, and his face is pinched with pain by the end of the day's filming. He's getting treatment for his back and he's much better, Aiba tells Jun quietly, but it's still unnerving to see Nino walking so slowly and carefully.
Ohno looks almost like an entirely different person, with his hair darker and cut in short, fluffy spikes, his skin tanned and his eyes brighter and more relaxed than Jun remembers. Aiba seems to have grown out of his gangly, knobbly-kneed stage, but he's otherwise still the same old Aiba - sweet and quiet, earnest and sometimes annoying. And Sho -
Jun doesn't quite know what to make of Sho. Sho was good-looking even years ago, with self-confidence and intelligence that made him shine despite his temper and stubbornness. Jun couldn't help but admire him, want him. The years seem to have worn down Sho's sharper edges. He laughs more easily and he speaks gently and precisely. He sounds like an adult - which, Jun supposes, he is. They all are.
The official word from management is to continue on as normal, with instructions to the other members of Arashi to handle the bulk of talking during interviews and shows if Jun doesn’t feel comfortable. It feels like he apologizes a thousand times during the morning.
The sooner he can remember, the better.
Part 2
cross-posted to kotobayori