erase and rewind (2/2) [arashi rps]
Title: Erase and Rewind [2/2]
Author: waxrose
Rating: PG-13
Length ~14,000 words
Pairing(s) Aiba/Jun, one-sided Sho/Jun
Summary: The past informs the present.
Notes: Written for onlymostlytrue as part of the 2009 je_holiday exchange. Thank you to aeslis, font & rhythmia for being the most amazing beta readers ever. This story would never have been finished without your help, really. Also, thank you to everyone who commented on this story during the original posting! I really appreciated it. ♥
* Please note that mentioned Harry Potter title in this part is a literal translation of the Japanese title of the seventh book. (A very crucial plot point, oh yes!)
Part 1
The next day, Jun has drama filming in Odaiba. He barely sleeps that night, head swimming with lines he scrambled to memorize all day, stomach churning with fear. He can't imagine himself as the leader actor for anything, even though his manager reassured him the other night that he's been just that many times before.
Jun just started this drama filming a few days ago, according to his manager. It's a murder mystery set in the Showa era. His character, Hiroshi, is a detective who gets emotionally involved when his young daughter is taken hostage by the killer. Hiroshi is stubborn and determined, with a wife and a family. Jun gets engrossed in his story. It's easy to lose himself in a character with a past and a purpose, to be able to read out a life written on paper.
Jun is so nervous when he finally faces the cameras that he wants to throw up. He makes what feels like mistake after mistake - forgetting lines he thought he'd memorized, not being able to get across the right emotions, getting the blocking wrong.
"Let's pick this one up after a break," the director says finally, when Jun NGs on a scene for the ninth time. Jun feels helpless, lost and most of all, angry at himself. Of course he doesn't know what he's doing.
Sho shows up in Jun's dressing room during the break with tonkatsu ramen and an armful of old photo albums.
"I thought you might want to take a look at these," Sho says cheerfully, dumping the albums in Jun's lap.
Sho's been taking photos of them for years, apparently. Jun expects himself to feel irritated as the pages turn, endless pictures of himself in places he can't remember, watching his features sharpen and change as the years flow by. Surprisingly, it's weird, but not bad. He's too fascinated to care.
Jun is also surprised to find himself relaxing around Sho. Sho seems less uptight somehow, more willing to laugh at himself. But Jun still blushes when Sho's hand accidentally brushes over his as they turn the pages. He's almost sure that Sho notices, but he doesn't say anything about it.
"Aiba said you're doing a news program," Jun says, while Sho practically inhales the last of his noodles. "Congratulations, that's amazing."
Sho chuckles, looking amused. "Thank you." He puts the styrofoam takeout bowl on coffee table in front of them, drawing his legs up onto the couch. "It feels so weird hearing you tell me that now. Your reaction was almost the same when you heard back then, too."
"Oh, Sho-chan!" Jun looks up. Aiba is poking his head around the corner of the open doorway, his face is scrunched up into a beaming smile. "I didn't know you were coming to see Matsujun, too."
"I was in the area," Sho says. He scoots over on the couch to make room for Aiba. Sho's thigh presses warmly against Jun's as he moves over.
"Jun, I brought you something, here - " Aiba bounds onto the couch, reaching over Sho's lap and thrusting a heavy-looking bag at Jun. "I borrowed these from you ages ago."
The bag is full of books. Aiba's excitement confuses Jun until he picks up a heavier one with scarlet and purple jacket. "Harry Potter and the Treasure of Death," he reads. "Wait, is this a new one?"
Aiba smiles slyly. "It's the last one."
"The last -" Jun repeats. "Really?"
"Masaki," Sho sounds weary. "Jun has a script to memorize, I really don't think he has time to -"
"We can watch the movies sometime too," Aiba presses on. "They've made lots of them! I bet you'll love them, Jun-chan!"
"If you stay up all night reading those, I will kick your ass," Sho warns.
Jun is too busy digging the other books out of the bag to listen.
"Didn't you have an interview this afternoon, Sho-chan?" Aiba asks. "Hey Matsujun, can I finish your ramen?"
"Oh shoot, yeah." Sho checks his watch. He hauls himself up off the couch, grabbing his jacket off the chair beside the coffee table. "Jun, you can keep those albums for as long as you want, okay? Maybe they'll help you remember."
"Sure. Thank you," Jun says. He doubts it, somehow, but it's nice of Sho to offer.
"See you later." Sho pats him on the head. "I'd forgotten how cute you were when you were younger," he adds, almost absentmindedly.
Jun can feel his cheeks flare up like fireworks.
Aiba laughs after Sho leaves the room and Jun levels him the dirtiest glare that he possibly can.
"Shut up."
"Oh, Jun," Aiba says fondly. "I didn't expect your crush on Sho-chan to resurface. It is cute."
He wants to throw a book at Aiba's head, but his anger deflates at the knowing twinkle in Aiba's eyes. "Was I that obvious?"
"I think we all knew," Aiba says. "Except Sho-chan, maybe. He's really thick about that kind of thing."
"Did I ever--" Jun doesn't want to ask. He doesn't really want to know. But eleven years have gone by. "Did he--"
"I don't think anything ever happened," Aiba says softly. "I'm sorry."
Jun shakes his head. "It doesn't matter." He stares down at his leftover ramen, feeling his disappointment coalesce and congeal in his stomach. He shoves the bowl towards Aiba, suddenly not hungry anymore. "Here, you can have this."
+
It’s late, very late and they have rehearsals early in the morning. They probably shouldn't be doing this, but Jun is too frustrated, too itchy inside his own skin to care about anything except pinning Aiba to the bed and grinding down against him, until Aiba is clutching at him, thrusting up against Jun in an unsteady rhythm.
They're both not quite drunk. Aiba’s eyes are half-lidded as he pushes into Jun, hands tight on Jun’s hips. Jun closes his eyes, jerking himself off roughly as Aiba speeds up. This isn’t the first time they’ve done this.
Aiba’s hands skim his sides in the darkness. "It’s okay, you know," he whispers, his voice raspy and breathless. "You can pretend I’m him, if you want."
Jun’s throat closes up. "Shut up," he says, his voice choked. He doesn’t want to hear that from Aiba.
+
Waking up hopelessly hard from dreams of having sex with another guy is not exactly a new experience for Jun, embarrassing as it is. But it’s never been Aiba before.
Jun attempts to figure out his coffee machine again, trying to forget the beetle-black glitter of Aiba's eyes, the way he can almost still feel the smooth heat of Aiba's skin under his hands if he thinks about it.
The most unnerving thing is that it felt oddly real - more like a memory than a dream.
The coffee comes out burnt and bitter-tasting. Jun pours it down his kitchen sink, watching the copper-brown liquid curl in rivulets around the drain until they disappear completely.
"It was just a stupid dream," he tells Noël as he fixes his breakfast. His puppy barks agreeably. "It doesn’t mean anything."
+
Avoiding Aiba isn’t an option, unfortunately; they’ve got a rehearsal and a filming to promote their newest single on Music Station today.
Jun has orders from their manager to arrive two hours early to practice the choreography. He had stayed late at the studio last night after he’d finished drama filming. He listens Arashi's new single over and over again during the ride to the studio, alone in the backseat of a company van. Jun must have listened to it at least two dozen times already, but it never stops feeling weird to hear himself singing something that he can't remember recording.
Ohno is already waiting in the green room when Jun arrives, slumped into one of the sofas. "'Morning," he mumbles.
"Good morning, Ohno-san," Jun says politely.
Ohno smiles at him blearily. "Not yet, huh?" he asks gently.
"Not yet," Jun says, embarrassed. Nino had laughed hysterically for nearly ten minutes the other day when Jun had greeted Ohno. Jun didn’t really get it. Ohno is close to his age and they're in the same group, but he's still Jun’s senior. It was a hard habit to break.
"I can help you with the choreography," Ohno offers. "You need to practice, right?"
The morning flies by and Jun is concentrating so hard on the intricate twists and position changes of the choreography that he almost doesn’t notice that the others have trailed into the dance studio.
"Looking good!" Sho says encouragingly, as the music fades out and Jun stays frozen in the last pose. "You’ve learned it pretty quickly."
"Thanks," Jun says, panting a little. He checks his watch; he’s been dancing for over an hour straight.
Aiba corners him when Jun grabs his water bottle from where he left it on a side table. "Want me to come over tonight?" he asks. "We can get take-out."
Jun shakes his head. "I've got to go to the hospital after the taping." It's been three days, and his manager keeps giving Jun worried glances. Jun is frustrated, too. He can't shake the feeling that he doesn't fit into his own life.
"I'll drive you there," Aiba says. "I'm free." He moves closer to let Ohno pass behind to rummage in his bag, so that he's almost shoved up against Jun, hand clutching onto Jun's shoulder to avoid falling on him completely. "Whoops, sorry!"
Jun's dream is still hopelessly vivid in his mind, and the spicy-sweet scent of Aiba’s cologne on top of Aiba’s nearness is almost unbearable at the moment. For a moment, Jun is nearly overwhelmed, senses filled with the sight-feel-smell of Aiba.
Aiba's eyes, hot and wild as he fucks himself on Jun’s cock, and
The softest kiss, sweet enough to make Jun’s heart swell -
"I want you, oh Jun, I want -"
"Jun?" Jun blinks, taking in his surroundings. Aiba is staring at him. "Jun, are you okay?"
"Yeah," Jun says. His heart is racing and he tries to control his breathing.
"Did you remember something?" Nino asks, from where he’s stretching on the floor near them. "You looked really out of it for a second."
"No," Jun lies. "I just - sort of blanked out." He takes a deep breath.
"Are you sure?" Sho asks. "Maybe you should really go to the hospital now."
"It's nothing." Jun says firmly. "Really."
Aiba still looks worried. "If you're not feeling well-"
"I'm okay," Jun insists. He lowers his voice. "And thanks. It'd be great if you came over."
Jun needs Aiba to tell him exactly what the hell is going on.
+
"Have you had any memories return at all?" The doctor asks, scribbling down some notes to himself. Jun swivels his chair slightly from side to side, feeling anxious. "Any sensation that something might feel familiar?"
"I -" Jun hesitates. "Maybe. But it's more like - I can't tell if they're real."
"Hm." The doctor hesitates. "If some memories are returning, that's a good indicator for an eventual recovery. However…it's possible for amnesiac symptoms to outlast the conditions - some research indicates that there's a potential for the neurological symptoms to transfer into a psychological condition."
"What does that mean?" Jun's manager sounds nervous.
Dr. Kawasaki sighs. "Some extended sufferers of amnesia sometimes lose confidence and faith in their own memory - it's understandable, really. Past experiences inform the present, and the loss of these memories can damage the ability to cope in the present."
Jun understands that. He's already spent three days in his 27-year old body and he still can't shake the feeling that he'd promised he'd call his Mom and that he has to study for his upcoming math test. "What can I do?"
The doctor smiles at him. "All you can do is trust your ability to remember. If something seems unclear, ask someone who might know for sure." He clicks his pen shut, tucking it back in the pocket of his white coat. "These things take time.
It's probably supposed to sound encouraging, but Jun just feels more lost than before.
+
"I’ll drop you off first," Aiba says, as he turns his car down Jun’s street. "I can go pick up the food on my own."
"It's okay," Jun says. He is tired - something about hospitals just exhausted Jun. His shoulders feel like they've turned to stone and he's still blinking away coloured spots from all the lights shone in his face. But he's got the adrenaline from their performance still pricking under his skin. He can't forget the feeling of the five of them dancing together, as Arashi. It was strange and wonderful, all at once. "I'll come with you, you don't have to stop."
"Don’t argue," Aiba says mildly. "You look tired. You worked hard today, right? This way, you can have some time to shower and relax, maybe take a nap. I can let myself in."
"You don’t have a key," Jun points out.
Aiba is silent for a long moment. Jun watches the neon city-lights shifting shadows over Aiba's face, but he gives away nothing.
"Why do you have a key?" It comes out sounding more accusing that Jun had intended.
Aiba laughs, but it sounds nervous. "It’s no big deal. It's just - you know, to look after Noël when you’re on a location shoot or something."
Jun doesn’t say anything. He’s already putting together the pieces in his mind and what he’s coming up with scares him more than anything.
He remembers what the doctor said about amnesia becoming a psychological condition. Right now, Jun completely understands why someone would be afraid to trust their own memory.
+
Jun is grateful that Aiba dropped him off alone. He needs to be alone right now, he needs to think. He hadn't been truly alone all day and in the silence of his apartment, the thoughts he's been pressing down all day loom before him.
"First," he says to Noël out loud, trying to ground his thoughts, "I'd better feed you."
Aiba still hasn't arrived by the time that Jun has fed the puppy, showered and slumped onto the couch, with a sleepy Noël curled up on his chest. The hum of the traffic on the streets below and the warm weight of Noël on his chest slowly lull him into a dozy, peaceful state.
It can't hurt to close his eyes for just a bit while he waits for Aiba.
+
Aiba is over an hour late, with no mail or message. Jun is getting both a little annoyed and very worried. The boxes of tree decorations are out and he's even got everything for an attempt at roast chestnuts ready in the kitchen. He wasn't sure about this whole "spending Christmas together" idea in the first place, but it's making him twice as anxious, waiting like this.
It's snowing a lot outside, but the visibility isn't that bad. Jun fiddles with his phone, turning it over and over in his hand. Should he try to call?
The doorbell rings just then. Jun tosses his phone onto the couch, stalking towards the door.
Aiba's smile is apologetic, but wide, almost glowing. "Sorry I'm late!" He shifts the furry bundle in his arms, and Jun realizes belatedly that Aiba is carrying a sleeping puppy. "I have a really good reason."
Jun gets the story in bits and pieces while Aiba strips off his wet clothes and towels down the puppy, wrapping it in blankets. By the time Jun has made them both a mug of hot tea and Aiba has changed into pair of Jun's sweats and they've managed to settle the excited puppy down in the living room - Jun has a sneaky feeling that it's trying to decide from its perch on Aiba's lap what it should pee on first - Aiba has related his whole tale about rescuing the tiny puppy from a gang of teenage delinquents and coaxing it into his car. Aiba finally sits back against the couch cushions with a self-satisfied look.
Jun can't help but laugh. "Masaki."
"Hmm?"
"I overheard you talking with that breeder on the phone last week, you know."
"Oh." Aiba shifts next to him, trying to move without upsetting the sleeping puppy on his lap. "Really?"
"Really." Jun strokes the puppy's ears. They're soft and silky and he sighs sweetly in his sleep. Jun's just a little bit in love already. "What were you trying to do, make yourself look good?"
"I - hey! I was not!" Aiba says indignantly. "I thought - I thought you wouldn't want him unless you thought he really needed you."
Jun keeps stroking the puppy's ears, trying to bite down a smile. "It's not easy to keep a puppy in an apartment," he says.
"I know." Aiba says earnestly. "But I'll help - and there's a dog park just three streets from here, I researched it!"
Jun stays quiet for a long while. Aiba doesn't say anything, and Jun can tell that Aiba is waiting patiently for him to make the next move. "Masaki?" he says finally.
"Yeah?"
"There's a box under the tree for you."
"Don't we need to decorate the tree first?"
Jun suppresses the urge to hit him and instead gently gathers up the puppy from Aiba's lap so he can stand up. "Just go open it, idiot."
It's probably the lamest, most cliché gift ever, but Jun couldn't think of anything else that he wanted to give Aiba.
Aiba doesn't say anything at all, but he's still clutching the small, golden key when he finally stops kissing Jun.
+
Noël barks sharply, and Jun wakes up disoriented as the puppy bounds off his chest, scurrying towards the door. Jun can hear the click of a key in the lock and his stomach suddenly twists.
His dream - no, it can't have been a dream. None of it was just a dream.
Just what is Aiba to him, anyways?
"Why didn't you tell me?" Jun demands the instant Aiba appears inside his apartment, key still twisted in the lock.
Aiba looks at him carefully, eyes giving away nothing. "Tell you what?"
"We - " Jun's mouth feels dry. "That you and I - you never told me."
"Oh. Did you remember?" Aiba asks, looking hopeful.
"No. Not totally. But I can tell that there’s something you’re not telling me."
Aiba tugs his key out of the lock and closes the door, carefully setting down the bags he's carrying on the floor of the entranceway. He leaves his shoes on, ignoring Noël whining at his ankles. "What would that be?"
"I -" Aiba's distanced calm just makes Jun angrier. "What are we? What are we doing, really? You let me walk around trying to figure out my life without letting me know that we had some - some kind of thing together."
"It's not like we've ever really talked about it." Aiba says, voice rising in pitch a little. "I don't know what this is. We were just beginning to figure things out, and -"
"Look," Jun says, trying to keep his tone even. Aiba's shoulders rise almost instantly in a defensive cringe. "Look, I don't get it, okay? I just - there's all these things missing and I don't understand how you and I would ever…" Jun pauses, unsure how to say any of this. "It just feels so weird. It doesn't make sense."
Aiba's eyes are downcast, his shoulders curving inward almost protectively. He bends down to pet Noël, crouching in Jun's entranceway. "It was weird, in the beginning," Aiba says softly, almost to himself. "Really weird."
Jun's curiosity wins out over his anger. "What happened?" he asks. "How did we? -"
Aiba rubs at his face. He looks tired, Jun realizes. At the moment, though, Jun can't bring himself to care. "After concerts, in hotels - god, Jun, I don't even remember how it all started. We were both twenty-two, maybe twenty-three."
"We used to just fuck around, nothing serious. I don't think we ever even kissed for about a year. I think we were both scared shitless to do that. It's like - neither of us wanted to let on that it wasn't just sex." Noël whines, nudging at Aiba's stilled fingers. "I'd never been with a guy before, and I knew how to talk to you about anything else, but not that. It was like - if either of us acknowledged that there was anything at all, it would all be over."
"You could have told me," Jun says. His anger is dissipating a little bit now, but it’s still there.
"Jun, you're mentally sixteen years old right now," Aiba points out. "You have a crush on Sho, for god’s sake - no, don’t even try to argue about that," he adds when Jun opens his mouth to interrupt. "When I was sixteen, I would probably have laughed in the face of anyone who told me I was going to fall in love with you."
There’s a long silence. The words fall in love echo in Jun’s mind. Aiba’s toothbrush in his bathroom. The spare key still dangling from Aiba’s hand.
"Forget that I said that," Aiba says, looking nervous at Jun’s silence.
"Have you ever told me that before?"
Aiba shakes his head, looking nervous. "No, I - it's…it's pretty embarrassing, right?" He laughs a little. "Oh man, when you get your memories back I hope you don't remember this."
"I don't know if I'm going to remember anything at all," Jun says stiffly. "I'll try to hang onto what I can."
Aiba winces at his words. "I didn't mean -" he begins, then abruptly stops. "Sorry. That was a stupid thing to say."
"It's all right." Jun sighs, crouching down next to Aiba. He scratches Noël behind his ears. "It was you who bought me Noël, right?"
"For Christmas," Aiba’s eyes widen. "You can remember?"
Jun shakes his head. "Not completely. The doctor said that some things might return before I can remember all together. Or that it might come back in pieces."
"That’s good, right?" Aiba says. "It means you’re getting better."
There's a very tense silence. "Now what?" Jun asks finally.
"I don't expect you to understand," Aiba says. "I just- I do love you. And it's ridiculous and weird and nothing either us expected, probably. I can stay away for awhile, if you want. I was just hoping - maybe if I stuck around, you would remember something."
Jun rubs his forehead. His bruise is almost faded completely, and there’s no sign of the lump anymore. "I still don’t get it," he says. This is Aiba. It feels so strange to be having this conversation with him. "But I’ll try to remember."
"Got it," Aiba says. "I - I’d better go home, right? Give you some time to think about things."
"No, it's fine." Jun says firmly. "Not about - other stuff. But you can stay for dinner. And we can talk."
Aiba's eyes meet his, uncertain. "It’s okay if you don’t want me to stay."
"I want you to stay," Jun clarifies. "Please."
Aiba smiles warmly, brighter than Jun can ever remember. "All right," he says softly. "Okay."
+
Jun can't stop watching Aiba with a new awareness pricking under his skin. It isn't just the faint, hazy memories that he keeps turning over and over again in his mind. He and Aiba are in love, Jun reminds himself. They're together. It's weird. Well of course it is. In Jun's mind, Aiba is the shy, skinny kid who keeps tripping over his own feet, who laughs too loudly and plays baseball with Nino.
Aiba seems somehow more intense, more alive after their talk. The contrast makes Jun realize how subdued Aiba seemed before, how much he might have been holding himself back. It was hard for Jun to adjust to the idea that he was in a relationship with his bandmate, but how had these past few days been for Aiba?
Aiba brought Chinese takeout from a restaurant that he claims Jun always orders from. Jun is starving and they end up sitting around Jun's coffee table in the living room, conversation growing easier on a full stomach. Jun's apartment somehow feels warmer, friendlier tonight - Noël is curled up on the couch above them, whining softly in his sleep.
"What about girls?" Jun asks later, while they're eating.
"Girls?"
"Didn't you date anyone else before me?"
Aiba laughs, embarrassed. "We don't date. It's not like we go walking in the park, holding hands."
Jun nearly gags on his chicken kung pao. "Gross. I hope not. But didn't you?"
"Of course I did." There's a long pause while Aiba concentrates on his food. "Nothing ever really got serious, I guess."
"Then why me? Why this?"
"I just - things just happened. I told you." Aiba shifts his food on his plate with his chopsticks. "It's hard to explain. I like you. You're serious and you work hard. You're Arashi and you're my friend. We've been through so much stuff together that you can understand what I mean without even explaining things. It's isn't just about sex or being too lazy to have a real relationship. I'm comfortable when I'm with you. I'm happy."
Jun can feel his cheeks burning. "I don't get it," he mutters, embarrassed.
"I don't think I would either," Aiba admits. "It's not something that really makes sense."
"Why can I only remember you?" Jun scoops more fried rice onto his plate. "Why not something like - like graduation, or our first concert?"
Aiba hums thoughtfully, mouth full of sweet and sour shrimp. "Dunno. I guess I really am that unforgettable in bed."
Jun hits him.
+
Jun wakes up with a splitting headache and his cheek pressed into his living room carpet. He can hear Aiba snoring quietly about a foot away and he closes his eyes briefly. Jun groans quietly, rubbing at his face. His tongue feels like it's growing a fine mold on it and his head aches. How much had he drunk again last night? He can vaguely remember he and Aiba deciding to try every wine in his wine fridge. Oh god, his wine.
Noël nudges Jun's face playfully with his cold nose. Jun closes his eyes again, trying to push his puppy away. The headache is growing to a steady thrum in his head now that he's awake. The last time he was this hungover…
- the last time he was this hungover was after he'd gone out for dinner with Nino and Nishikido two weeks ago, to that little teppanyaki joint that Ryo had -
Jun sits bolt upright. "Masaki," he says urgently. "Aiba, wake up."
"Nnnf. Don't wanna."
Jun crawls over to where Aiba is lying half-under his coffee table. "Masaki." He shakes Aiba's shoulder. "I can remember."
"You can what?" Aiba says, mid-yawn. "You can -"
Aiba's fully less than two seconds later. "Wait, really?" He stares at Jun. "Are you sure?"
"It's pretty easy to be sure. Given that there's suddenly no big, yawning gap in my memory anymore, it seems like the logical conclusion."
"You remember," Aiba mutters to himself. He looks at Jun, expression suddenly nervous. "Do you - do you remember what we talked about last night, too?"
"Yeah." It's probably just as embarrassing for Aiba as it is for him, but in a warped sort of way, maybe it was good for them. They'd never really talked anything through before. "I do."
"And it's okay?" Aiba's eyes are hopeful, the sunlight slanting through Jun's windows making them seem somehow brighter than usual.
"It's okay," Jun confirms. Really okay. Better than okay, actually. Aiba loves him. "And, you know - thanks for taking care of me," he adds awkwardly.
Aiba beams at him. "I'd kiss you, but my teeth are really gross right now," he says brightly.
"You're a moron," Jun says. But he can't keep his affection out of his voice, and Aiba hugs him tightly.
"Missed you," Aiba says quietly, his words muffled into Jun's shoulder. "Missed this."
Jun holds him, resting his chin on Aiba's shoulder and breathing him in. It was weird, them - being together. But it fits, somehow. It feels good, familiar. Jun had never really stopped to think about what Aiba was to him. He just knew that he needed Aiba, wanted him close by.
Everything seems so infinitely precious now, so singular and sharp in his mind. Not just Aiba, but Arashi, too. Jun closes his eyes, testing each memory like a bit of particularly rich chocolate, tasting to see the detail and depth of his recall, each melted moment sweet in his mind. Boarding the long stairs up to the cruise boat, Sho's hand steady on his shoulder when Jun almost trips. Nino's grim determination to keep dancing, to keep going for Arashi's sake even when his entire face is twisted in pain. Ohno's tears, his broken voice reverberating around the vast space of the packed arena, his emotions finally spilling out.
And then there was Aiba - the way Aiba's fingers shook on Jun's wrist the first time they had kissed, slow and awkwardly. He had stayed through Jun's anger and frustration with himself and the world, and he had always believed in him. He loved Aiba and he knew it didn't make sense. It never would. But he could feel the layered emotions that had always been there, pinned in placed by the passing of years.
"Love you too," Jun whispers into Aiba's neck. He can feel the hitch in Aiba's breath, the way Aiba's arms tighten around him. They've never said this to each other before - out of fear or indecision - but that doesn't matter anymore. Right now, it's perfect.
Nothing's missing anymore.
epilogue
Author: waxrose
Rating: PG-13
Length ~14,000 words
Pairing(s) Aiba/Jun, one-sided Sho/Jun
Summary: The past informs the present.
Notes: Written for onlymostlytrue as part of the 2009 je_holiday exchange. Thank you to aeslis, font & rhythmia for being the most amazing beta readers ever. This story would never have been finished without your help, really. Also, thank you to everyone who commented on this story during the original posting! I really appreciated it. ♥
* Please note that mentioned Harry Potter title in this part is a literal translation of the Japanese title of the seventh book. (A very crucial plot point, oh yes!)
Part 1
The next day, Jun has drama filming in Odaiba. He barely sleeps that night, head swimming with lines he scrambled to memorize all day, stomach churning with fear. He can't imagine himself as the leader actor for anything, even though his manager reassured him the other night that he's been just that many times before.
Jun just started this drama filming a few days ago, according to his manager. It's a murder mystery set in the Showa era. His character, Hiroshi, is a detective who gets emotionally involved when his young daughter is taken hostage by the killer. Hiroshi is stubborn and determined, with a wife and a family. Jun gets engrossed in his story. It's easy to lose himself in a character with a past and a purpose, to be able to read out a life written on paper.
Jun is so nervous when he finally faces the cameras that he wants to throw up. He makes what feels like mistake after mistake - forgetting lines he thought he'd memorized, not being able to get across the right emotions, getting the blocking wrong.
"Let's pick this one up after a break," the director says finally, when Jun NGs on a scene for the ninth time. Jun feels helpless, lost and most of all, angry at himself. Of course he doesn't know what he's doing.
Sho shows up in Jun's dressing room during the break with tonkatsu ramen and an armful of old photo albums.
"I thought you might want to take a look at these," Sho says cheerfully, dumping the albums in Jun's lap.
Sho's been taking photos of them for years, apparently. Jun expects himself to feel irritated as the pages turn, endless pictures of himself in places he can't remember, watching his features sharpen and change as the years flow by. Surprisingly, it's weird, but not bad. He's too fascinated to care.
Jun is also surprised to find himself relaxing around Sho. Sho seems less uptight somehow, more willing to laugh at himself. But Jun still blushes when Sho's hand accidentally brushes over his as they turn the pages. He's almost sure that Sho notices, but he doesn't say anything about it.
"Aiba said you're doing a news program," Jun says, while Sho practically inhales the last of his noodles. "Congratulations, that's amazing."
Sho chuckles, looking amused. "Thank you." He puts the styrofoam takeout bowl on coffee table in front of them, drawing his legs up onto the couch. "It feels so weird hearing you tell me that now. Your reaction was almost the same when you heard back then, too."
"Oh, Sho-chan!" Jun looks up. Aiba is poking his head around the corner of the open doorway, his face is scrunched up into a beaming smile. "I didn't know you were coming to see Matsujun, too."
"I was in the area," Sho says. He scoots over on the couch to make room for Aiba. Sho's thigh presses warmly against Jun's as he moves over.
"Jun, I brought you something, here - " Aiba bounds onto the couch, reaching over Sho's lap and thrusting a heavy-looking bag at Jun. "I borrowed these from you ages ago."
The bag is full of books. Aiba's excitement confuses Jun until he picks up a heavier one with scarlet and purple jacket. "Harry Potter and the Treasure of Death," he reads. "Wait, is this a new one?"
Aiba smiles slyly. "It's the last one."
"The last -" Jun repeats. "Really?"
"Masaki," Sho sounds weary. "Jun has a script to memorize, I really don't think he has time to -"
"We can watch the movies sometime too," Aiba presses on. "They've made lots of them! I bet you'll love them, Jun-chan!"
"If you stay up all night reading those, I will kick your ass," Sho warns.
Jun is too busy digging the other books out of the bag to listen.
"Didn't you have an interview this afternoon, Sho-chan?" Aiba asks. "Hey Matsujun, can I finish your ramen?"
"Oh shoot, yeah." Sho checks his watch. He hauls himself up off the couch, grabbing his jacket off the chair beside the coffee table. "Jun, you can keep those albums for as long as you want, okay? Maybe they'll help you remember."
"Sure. Thank you," Jun says. He doubts it, somehow, but it's nice of Sho to offer.
"See you later." Sho pats him on the head. "I'd forgotten how cute you were when you were younger," he adds, almost absentmindedly.
Jun can feel his cheeks flare up like fireworks.
Aiba laughs after Sho leaves the room and Jun levels him the dirtiest glare that he possibly can.
"Shut up."
"Oh, Jun," Aiba says fondly. "I didn't expect your crush on Sho-chan to resurface. It is cute."
He wants to throw a book at Aiba's head, but his anger deflates at the knowing twinkle in Aiba's eyes. "Was I that obvious?"
"I think we all knew," Aiba says. "Except Sho-chan, maybe. He's really thick about that kind of thing."
"Did I ever--" Jun doesn't want to ask. He doesn't really want to know. But eleven years have gone by. "Did he--"
"I don't think anything ever happened," Aiba says softly. "I'm sorry."
Jun shakes his head. "It doesn't matter." He stares down at his leftover ramen, feeling his disappointment coalesce and congeal in his stomach. He shoves the bowl towards Aiba, suddenly not hungry anymore. "Here, you can have this."
+
It’s late, very late and they have rehearsals early in the morning. They probably shouldn't be doing this, but Jun is too frustrated, too itchy inside his own skin to care about anything except pinning Aiba to the bed and grinding down against him, until Aiba is clutching at him, thrusting up against Jun in an unsteady rhythm.
They're both not quite drunk. Aiba’s eyes are half-lidded as he pushes into Jun, hands tight on Jun’s hips. Jun closes his eyes, jerking himself off roughly as Aiba speeds up. This isn’t the first time they’ve done this.
Aiba’s hands skim his sides in the darkness. "It’s okay, you know," he whispers, his voice raspy and breathless. "You can pretend I’m him, if you want."
Jun’s throat closes up. "Shut up," he says, his voice choked. He doesn’t want to hear that from Aiba.
+
Waking up hopelessly hard from dreams of having sex with another guy is not exactly a new experience for Jun, embarrassing as it is. But it’s never been Aiba before.
Jun attempts to figure out his coffee machine again, trying to forget the beetle-black glitter of Aiba's eyes, the way he can almost still feel the smooth heat of Aiba's skin under his hands if he thinks about it.
The most unnerving thing is that it felt oddly real - more like a memory than a dream.
The coffee comes out burnt and bitter-tasting. Jun pours it down his kitchen sink, watching the copper-brown liquid curl in rivulets around the drain until they disappear completely.
"It was just a stupid dream," he tells Noël as he fixes his breakfast. His puppy barks agreeably. "It doesn’t mean anything."
+
Avoiding Aiba isn’t an option, unfortunately; they’ve got a rehearsal and a filming to promote their newest single on Music Station today.
Jun has orders from their manager to arrive two hours early to practice the choreography. He had stayed late at the studio last night after he’d finished drama filming. He listens Arashi's new single over and over again during the ride to the studio, alone in the backseat of a company van. Jun must have listened to it at least two dozen times already, but it never stops feeling weird to hear himself singing something that he can't remember recording.
Ohno is already waiting in the green room when Jun arrives, slumped into one of the sofas. "'Morning," he mumbles.
"Good morning, Ohno-san," Jun says politely.
Ohno smiles at him blearily. "Not yet, huh?" he asks gently.
"Not yet," Jun says, embarrassed. Nino had laughed hysterically for nearly ten minutes the other day when Jun had greeted Ohno. Jun didn’t really get it. Ohno is close to his age and they're in the same group, but he's still Jun’s senior. It was a hard habit to break.
"I can help you with the choreography," Ohno offers. "You need to practice, right?"
The morning flies by and Jun is concentrating so hard on the intricate twists and position changes of the choreography that he almost doesn’t notice that the others have trailed into the dance studio.
"Looking good!" Sho says encouragingly, as the music fades out and Jun stays frozen in the last pose. "You’ve learned it pretty quickly."
"Thanks," Jun says, panting a little. He checks his watch; he’s been dancing for over an hour straight.
Aiba corners him when Jun grabs his water bottle from where he left it on a side table. "Want me to come over tonight?" he asks. "We can get take-out."
Jun shakes his head. "I've got to go to the hospital after the taping." It's been three days, and his manager keeps giving Jun worried glances. Jun is frustrated, too. He can't shake the feeling that he doesn't fit into his own life.
"I'll drive you there," Aiba says. "I'm free." He moves closer to let Ohno pass behind to rummage in his bag, so that he's almost shoved up against Jun, hand clutching onto Jun's shoulder to avoid falling on him completely. "Whoops, sorry!"
Jun's dream is still hopelessly vivid in his mind, and the spicy-sweet scent of Aiba’s cologne on top of Aiba’s nearness is almost unbearable at the moment. For a moment, Jun is nearly overwhelmed, senses filled with the sight-feel-smell of Aiba.
Aiba's eyes, hot and wild as he fucks himself on Jun’s cock, and
The softest kiss, sweet enough to make Jun’s heart swell -
"I want you, oh Jun, I want -"
"Jun?" Jun blinks, taking in his surroundings. Aiba is staring at him. "Jun, are you okay?"
"Yeah," Jun says. His heart is racing and he tries to control his breathing.
"Did you remember something?" Nino asks, from where he’s stretching on the floor near them. "You looked really out of it for a second."
"No," Jun lies. "I just - sort of blanked out." He takes a deep breath.
"Are you sure?" Sho asks. "Maybe you should really go to the hospital now."
"It's nothing." Jun says firmly. "Really."
Aiba still looks worried. "If you're not feeling well-"
"I'm okay," Jun insists. He lowers his voice. "And thanks. It'd be great if you came over."
Jun needs Aiba to tell him exactly what the hell is going on.
+
"Have you had any memories return at all?" The doctor asks, scribbling down some notes to himself. Jun swivels his chair slightly from side to side, feeling anxious. "Any sensation that something might feel familiar?"
"I -" Jun hesitates. "Maybe. But it's more like - I can't tell if they're real."
"Hm." The doctor hesitates. "If some memories are returning, that's a good indicator for an eventual recovery. However…it's possible for amnesiac symptoms to outlast the conditions - some research indicates that there's a potential for the neurological symptoms to transfer into a psychological condition."
"What does that mean?" Jun's manager sounds nervous.
Dr. Kawasaki sighs. "Some extended sufferers of amnesia sometimes lose confidence and faith in their own memory - it's understandable, really. Past experiences inform the present, and the loss of these memories can damage the ability to cope in the present."
Jun understands that. He's already spent three days in his 27-year old body and he still can't shake the feeling that he'd promised he'd call his Mom and that he has to study for his upcoming math test. "What can I do?"
The doctor smiles at him. "All you can do is trust your ability to remember. If something seems unclear, ask someone who might know for sure." He clicks his pen shut, tucking it back in the pocket of his white coat. "These things take time.
It's probably supposed to sound encouraging, but Jun just feels more lost than before.
+
"I’ll drop you off first," Aiba says, as he turns his car down Jun’s street. "I can go pick up the food on my own."
"It's okay," Jun says. He is tired - something about hospitals just exhausted Jun. His shoulders feel like they've turned to stone and he's still blinking away coloured spots from all the lights shone in his face. But he's got the adrenaline from their performance still pricking under his skin. He can't forget the feeling of the five of them dancing together, as Arashi. It was strange and wonderful, all at once. "I'll come with you, you don't have to stop."
"Don’t argue," Aiba says mildly. "You look tired. You worked hard today, right? This way, you can have some time to shower and relax, maybe take a nap. I can let myself in."
"You don’t have a key," Jun points out.
Aiba is silent for a long moment. Jun watches the neon city-lights shifting shadows over Aiba's face, but he gives away nothing.
"Why do you have a key?" It comes out sounding more accusing that Jun had intended.
Aiba laughs, but it sounds nervous. "It’s no big deal. It's just - you know, to look after Noël when you’re on a location shoot or something."
Jun doesn’t say anything. He’s already putting together the pieces in his mind and what he’s coming up with scares him more than anything.
He remembers what the doctor said about amnesia becoming a psychological condition. Right now, Jun completely understands why someone would be afraid to trust their own memory.
+
Jun is grateful that Aiba dropped him off alone. He needs to be alone right now, he needs to think. He hadn't been truly alone all day and in the silence of his apartment, the thoughts he's been pressing down all day loom before him.
"First," he says to Noël out loud, trying to ground his thoughts, "I'd better feed you."
Aiba still hasn't arrived by the time that Jun has fed the puppy, showered and slumped onto the couch, with a sleepy Noël curled up on his chest. The hum of the traffic on the streets below and the warm weight of Noël on his chest slowly lull him into a dozy, peaceful state.
It can't hurt to close his eyes for just a bit while he waits for Aiba.
+
Aiba is over an hour late, with no mail or message. Jun is getting both a little annoyed and very worried. The boxes of tree decorations are out and he's even got everything for an attempt at roast chestnuts ready in the kitchen. He wasn't sure about this whole "spending Christmas together" idea in the first place, but it's making him twice as anxious, waiting like this.
It's snowing a lot outside, but the visibility isn't that bad. Jun fiddles with his phone, turning it over and over in his hand. Should he try to call?
The doorbell rings just then. Jun tosses his phone onto the couch, stalking towards the door.
Aiba's smile is apologetic, but wide, almost glowing. "Sorry I'm late!" He shifts the furry bundle in his arms, and Jun realizes belatedly that Aiba is carrying a sleeping puppy. "I have a really good reason."
Jun gets the story in bits and pieces while Aiba strips off his wet clothes and towels down the puppy, wrapping it in blankets. By the time Jun has made them both a mug of hot tea and Aiba has changed into pair of Jun's sweats and they've managed to settle the excited puppy down in the living room - Jun has a sneaky feeling that it's trying to decide from its perch on Aiba's lap what it should pee on first - Aiba has related his whole tale about rescuing the tiny puppy from a gang of teenage delinquents and coaxing it into his car. Aiba finally sits back against the couch cushions with a self-satisfied look.
Jun can't help but laugh. "Masaki."
"Hmm?"
"I overheard you talking with that breeder on the phone last week, you know."
"Oh." Aiba shifts next to him, trying to move without upsetting the sleeping puppy on his lap. "Really?"
"Really." Jun strokes the puppy's ears. They're soft and silky and he sighs sweetly in his sleep. Jun's just a little bit in love already. "What were you trying to do, make yourself look good?"
"I - hey! I was not!" Aiba says indignantly. "I thought - I thought you wouldn't want him unless you thought he really needed you."
Jun keeps stroking the puppy's ears, trying to bite down a smile. "It's not easy to keep a puppy in an apartment," he says.
"I know." Aiba says earnestly. "But I'll help - and there's a dog park just three streets from here, I researched it!"
Jun stays quiet for a long while. Aiba doesn't say anything, and Jun can tell that Aiba is waiting patiently for him to make the next move. "Masaki?" he says finally.
"Yeah?"
"There's a box under the tree for you."
"Don't we need to decorate the tree first?"
Jun suppresses the urge to hit him and instead gently gathers up the puppy from Aiba's lap so he can stand up. "Just go open it, idiot."
It's probably the lamest, most cliché gift ever, but Jun couldn't think of anything else that he wanted to give Aiba.
Aiba doesn't say anything at all, but he's still clutching the small, golden key when he finally stops kissing Jun.
+
Noël barks sharply, and Jun wakes up disoriented as the puppy bounds off his chest, scurrying towards the door. Jun can hear the click of a key in the lock and his stomach suddenly twists.
His dream - no, it can't have been a dream. None of it was just a dream.
Just what is Aiba to him, anyways?
"Why didn't you tell me?" Jun demands the instant Aiba appears inside his apartment, key still twisted in the lock.
Aiba looks at him carefully, eyes giving away nothing. "Tell you what?"
"We - " Jun's mouth feels dry. "That you and I - you never told me."
"Oh. Did you remember?" Aiba asks, looking hopeful.
"No. Not totally. But I can tell that there’s something you’re not telling me."
Aiba tugs his key out of the lock and closes the door, carefully setting down the bags he's carrying on the floor of the entranceway. He leaves his shoes on, ignoring Noël whining at his ankles. "What would that be?"
"I -" Aiba's distanced calm just makes Jun angrier. "What are we? What are we doing, really? You let me walk around trying to figure out my life without letting me know that we had some - some kind of thing together."
"It's not like we've ever really talked about it." Aiba says, voice rising in pitch a little. "I don't know what this is. We were just beginning to figure things out, and -"
"Look," Jun says, trying to keep his tone even. Aiba's shoulders rise almost instantly in a defensive cringe. "Look, I don't get it, okay? I just - there's all these things missing and I don't understand how you and I would ever…" Jun pauses, unsure how to say any of this. "It just feels so weird. It doesn't make sense."
Aiba's eyes are downcast, his shoulders curving inward almost protectively. He bends down to pet Noël, crouching in Jun's entranceway. "It was weird, in the beginning," Aiba says softly, almost to himself. "Really weird."
Jun's curiosity wins out over his anger. "What happened?" he asks. "How did we? -"
Aiba rubs at his face. He looks tired, Jun realizes. At the moment, though, Jun can't bring himself to care. "After concerts, in hotels - god, Jun, I don't even remember how it all started. We were both twenty-two, maybe twenty-three."
"We used to just fuck around, nothing serious. I don't think we ever even kissed for about a year. I think we were both scared shitless to do that. It's like - neither of us wanted to let on that it wasn't just sex." Noël whines, nudging at Aiba's stilled fingers. "I'd never been with a guy before, and I knew how to talk to you about anything else, but not that. It was like - if either of us acknowledged that there was anything at all, it would all be over."
"You could have told me," Jun says. His anger is dissipating a little bit now, but it’s still there.
"Jun, you're mentally sixteen years old right now," Aiba points out. "You have a crush on Sho, for god’s sake - no, don’t even try to argue about that," he adds when Jun opens his mouth to interrupt. "When I was sixteen, I would probably have laughed in the face of anyone who told me I was going to fall in love with you."
There’s a long silence. The words fall in love echo in Jun’s mind. Aiba’s toothbrush in his bathroom. The spare key still dangling from Aiba’s hand.
"Forget that I said that," Aiba says, looking nervous at Jun’s silence.
"Have you ever told me that before?"
Aiba shakes his head, looking nervous. "No, I - it's…it's pretty embarrassing, right?" He laughs a little. "Oh man, when you get your memories back I hope you don't remember this."
"I don't know if I'm going to remember anything at all," Jun says stiffly. "I'll try to hang onto what I can."
Aiba winces at his words. "I didn't mean -" he begins, then abruptly stops. "Sorry. That was a stupid thing to say."
"It's all right." Jun sighs, crouching down next to Aiba. He scratches Noël behind his ears. "It was you who bought me Noël, right?"
"For Christmas," Aiba’s eyes widen. "You can remember?"
Jun shakes his head. "Not completely. The doctor said that some things might return before I can remember all together. Or that it might come back in pieces."
"That’s good, right?" Aiba says. "It means you’re getting better."
There's a very tense silence. "Now what?" Jun asks finally.
"I don't expect you to understand," Aiba says. "I just- I do love you. And it's ridiculous and weird and nothing either us expected, probably. I can stay away for awhile, if you want. I was just hoping - maybe if I stuck around, you would remember something."
Jun rubs his forehead. His bruise is almost faded completely, and there’s no sign of the lump anymore. "I still don’t get it," he says. This is Aiba. It feels so strange to be having this conversation with him. "But I’ll try to remember."
"Got it," Aiba says. "I - I’d better go home, right? Give you some time to think about things."
"No, it's fine." Jun says firmly. "Not about - other stuff. But you can stay for dinner. And we can talk."
Aiba's eyes meet his, uncertain. "It’s okay if you don’t want me to stay."
"I want you to stay," Jun clarifies. "Please."
Aiba smiles warmly, brighter than Jun can ever remember. "All right," he says softly. "Okay."
+
Jun can't stop watching Aiba with a new awareness pricking under his skin. It isn't just the faint, hazy memories that he keeps turning over and over again in his mind. He and Aiba are in love, Jun reminds himself. They're together. It's weird. Well of course it is. In Jun's mind, Aiba is the shy, skinny kid who keeps tripping over his own feet, who laughs too loudly and plays baseball with Nino.
Aiba seems somehow more intense, more alive after their talk. The contrast makes Jun realize how subdued Aiba seemed before, how much he might have been holding himself back. It was hard for Jun to adjust to the idea that he was in a relationship with his bandmate, but how had these past few days been for Aiba?
Aiba brought Chinese takeout from a restaurant that he claims Jun always orders from. Jun is starving and they end up sitting around Jun's coffee table in the living room, conversation growing easier on a full stomach. Jun's apartment somehow feels warmer, friendlier tonight - Noël is curled up on the couch above them, whining softly in his sleep.
"What about girls?" Jun asks later, while they're eating.
"Girls?"
"Didn't you date anyone else before me?"
Aiba laughs, embarrassed. "We don't date. It's not like we go walking in the park, holding hands."
Jun nearly gags on his chicken kung pao. "Gross. I hope not. But didn't you?"
"Of course I did." There's a long pause while Aiba concentrates on his food. "Nothing ever really got serious, I guess."
"Then why me? Why this?"
"I just - things just happened. I told you." Aiba shifts his food on his plate with his chopsticks. "It's hard to explain. I like you. You're serious and you work hard. You're Arashi and you're my friend. We've been through so much stuff together that you can understand what I mean without even explaining things. It's isn't just about sex or being too lazy to have a real relationship. I'm comfortable when I'm with you. I'm happy."
Jun can feel his cheeks burning. "I don't get it," he mutters, embarrassed.
"I don't think I would either," Aiba admits. "It's not something that really makes sense."
"Why can I only remember you?" Jun scoops more fried rice onto his plate. "Why not something like - like graduation, or our first concert?"
Aiba hums thoughtfully, mouth full of sweet and sour shrimp. "Dunno. I guess I really am that unforgettable in bed."
Jun hits him.
+
Jun wakes up with a splitting headache and his cheek pressed into his living room carpet. He can hear Aiba snoring quietly about a foot away and he closes his eyes briefly. Jun groans quietly, rubbing at his face. His tongue feels like it's growing a fine mold on it and his head aches. How much had he drunk again last night? He can vaguely remember he and Aiba deciding to try every wine in his wine fridge. Oh god, his wine.
Noël nudges Jun's face playfully with his cold nose. Jun closes his eyes again, trying to push his puppy away. The headache is growing to a steady thrum in his head now that he's awake. The last time he was this hungover…
- the last time he was this hungover was after he'd gone out for dinner with Nino and Nishikido two weeks ago, to that little teppanyaki joint that Ryo had -
Jun sits bolt upright. "Masaki," he says urgently. "Aiba, wake up."
"Nnnf. Don't wanna."
Jun crawls over to where Aiba is lying half-under his coffee table. "Masaki." He shakes Aiba's shoulder. "I can remember."
"You can what?" Aiba says, mid-yawn. "You can -"
Aiba's fully less than two seconds later. "Wait, really?" He stares at Jun. "Are you sure?"
"It's pretty easy to be sure. Given that there's suddenly no big, yawning gap in my memory anymore, it seems like the logical conclusion."
"You remember," Aiba mutters to himself. He looks at Jun, expression suddenly nervous. "Do you - do you remember what we talked about last night, too?"
"Yeah." It's probably just as embarrassing for Aiba as it is for him, but in a warped sort of way, maybe it was good for them. They'd never really talked anything through before. "I do."
"And it's okay?" Aiba's eyes are hopeful, the sunlight slanting through Jun's windows making them seem somehow brighter than usual.
"It's okay," Jun confirms. Really okay. Better than okay, actually. Aiba loves him. "And, you know - thanks for taking care of me," he adds awkwardly.
Aiba beams at him. "I'd kiss you, but my teeth are really gross right now," he says brightly.
"You're a moron," Jun says. But he can't keep his affection out of his voice, and Aiba hugs him tightly.
"Missed you," Aiba says quietly, his words muffled into Jun's shoulder. "Missed this."
Jun holds him, resting his chin on Aiba's shoulder and breathing him in. It was weird, them - being together. But it fits, somehow. It feels good, familiar. Jun had never really stopped to think about what Aiba was to him. He just knew that he needed Aiba, wanted him close by.
Everything seems so infinitely precious now, so singular and sharp in his mind. Not just Aiba, but Arashi, too. Jun closes his eyes, testing each memory like a bit of particularly rich chocolate, tasting to see the detail and depth of his recall, each melted moment sweet in his mind. Boarding the long stairs up to the cruise boat, Sho's hand steady on his shoulder when Jun almost trips. Nino's grim determination to keep dancing, to keep going for Arashi's sake even when his entire face is twisted in pain. Ohno's tears, his broken voice reverberating around the vast space of the packed arena, his emotions finally spilling out.
And then there was Aiba - the way Aiba's fingers shook on Jun's wrist the first time they had kissed, slow and awkwardly. He had stayed through Jun's anger and frustration with himself and the world, and he had always believed in him. He loved Aiba and he knew it didn't make sense. It never would. But he could feel the layered emotions that had always been there, pinned in placed by the passing of years.
"Love you too," Jun whispers into Aiba's neck. He can feel the hitch in Aiba's breath, the way Aiba's arms tighten around him. They've never said this to each other before - out of fear or indecision - but that doesn't matter anymore. Right now, it's perfect.
Nothing's missing anymore.
epilogue