weathervane (3/5) [arashi rps]
Weathervane [3/5]
Aiba/Jun | 嵐 RPS | PG-13 | ~12,500 words
Part 1 | Part 2
After the initial euphoria of just being able to lie on the beach for hours on end wears off, staying at Ohno's is actually kind of boring. Ohno spends most of his time out on the ocean, and Nino has claimed the back deck as his workspace, surrounded with his guitar, a notepad, and an army of stubby yet lovingly-sharpened pencils.
Aiba imagines that they usually have sex more often, but it probably isn't really polite to do that with house guests around. It's not like they're subtle, or anything - Aiba has long ago accepted that Nino groping Leader's butt was sort of like holding hands. Everyone has their own way of showing affection, he supposes.
Aiba wonders briefly if he should stay for a few days and see how long it takes Nino to explode. It probably won't take that long, since Nino is filming that Korean movie in November, and would be leaving for almost an entire month. He'd be flying back every now and then for their regular work, but probably never long enough to warrant spending any significant amount of time together.
Sho calls in the early afternoon of the day after Aiba arrives, while Ohno and Nino are out of the house. Aiba answers the phone nervously. Sho's protective instincts had only gotten stronger with age and he is particularly protective of Jun - well, they all are, lately.
"You are in such trouble," Sho says, in a voice that makes Aiba want to curl up into a small ball and hide behind the couch. It isn't angry and rough and snappish like Jun when he's angry, it isn't sharp and sarcastic like Nino in a temper. Sho's angry voice is low and serious, even measured tones like he's trying to press down his emotions.
"Jun cancelled on me today all of a sudden. I went to his place, and he wouldn't even buzz me up today. We were supposed to go shopping for bowties for the best men. What happened?"
"Well -" Aiba tentatively begins explaining his side of the story, but Sho cuts him off almost immediately.
"I know what you did, Masaki, for god's sake. Nino told me when he called me last night after you arrived there. I was asking you what happened to warp your brain to the point that you thought that was a good idea.
"
"I was drunk!" Aiba says defensively. It's a feeble excuse, but it's all that he has.
"That doesn't matter," Sho growls, "Jun's beside himself right now, did you ever stop to think about him? His ex just got remarried, he just found out that she's having a baby - he's just barely got his life back together and he's taking on so much extra work - the last thing he needs is his sexually confused bandmate trying to come onto him. What the hell were you thinking?"
"I know it was a mistake," Aiba says. There's a lump in his throat - Sho's yelling at him, and Sho never yells. He's suddenly glad that Ohno had the sense to drag Nino out to help him get groceries before Sho called. "I'll apologize to Matsujun, okay? I wasn't thinking."
"Obviously," Sho says, but his tone is a little softer. "In any case, I want you to get your ass back to Tokyo on the next ferry, because I don't think Jun is going to cool down until you apologize properly and tell him what an inconsiderate, stupid idiot you are."
"You may be short one best man for the wedding once Jun gets a hold of me," Aiba jokes, trying to lighten things up. Sho doesn't even laugh.
"He won't kill you, you know Jun better than that. Once you explain things -well, just do it soon, okay? " Sho says, sounding exasperated. " I don't need is two best men who can't even talk to each other normally for two minutes. It's bad enough that the other two think they're the ones getting married."
+
Aiba's iPod dies about halfway through the ferry ride back to the mainland, and he's left to try and bake himself in one of the deck chairs under the hot late summer sun, stomach squirming slightly as he thinks about what he could possibly say to Jun.
It goes without saying that he really kind of fucked things up. In retrospect, especially after Sho's phone call, it's really kind of embarrassing to see how much he overreacted. Trying to come onto Jun was definitely the worst mistake, but Aiba had to admit to himself, somewhat guiltily, that it wasn't just a random act.
There had been a time, about five or six years before, before Jun had gotten married, before Ohno and Nino had advanced any further in their awkward mating dance beyond poking each other in the ass - when Aiba had looked at Arashi, and had been absolutely positive that he would never find anyone in the world who he loved more. He never said it out loud, because that kind of sappiness generally required beer and a lot of post-concert adrenaline, and this was just different. It was a completely sober thought, and it scared him.
All of them played down their relationship in the media, but the reality was that they were close, in a way that went beyond simply spending time together. They could read each other, they understood each other. Aiba had his own friends and family, but when he needed someone who would let him be his most basic self, who didn’t need explanations - it was Arashi, every time.
Aside from that, Aiba can't really imagine himself in a relationship with any one of them. He played around with the idea in his mind at times, wondering what it would be like. The problem was that he idealized it all too much in his mind. When a girlfriend bought him a video game for his birthday that he already had, he had thought Nino would have known. If a date wanted to go to a pancake shop, he would think longingly about how Ohno was always, always okay with ramen. It wasn't just shallow things like that, either. There had been fights, ugly and cold, and even though he would push away the thoughts as they rose in his mind, he couldn't help but think Matsujun would have understood, or Sho-kun would never have said that.
Aiba knows that breaking up because things weren't perfect was the easy way out. He knows it wasn't fair to someone to measure them against another person. He knows that relationships were about work and trust, but some part of him just doesn't care.
So, this "throwing-himself-at-Jun" thing - it hadn't really come out of nowhere, if he is honest with himself. It was a thought that he had never planned to put into action. Finding out Jun was maybe seeing a guy - that made what had always been impossible suddenly a lot more plausible. He had spent so much time going over the idea of Jun with guys in his head not just because he was concerned about him. No, his motives were way more selfish. Pretty terrible, really.
Still - since arriving at Toshimajima after escaping Jun's place, Aiba had spent countless hours lying on the patio, watching the waves roll and slosh onto the beach. He had played back that night in his mind. It was all a bit bleary, but he hadn't been that drunk - he remembered. He remembered Jun being all tense and shifty. The way he had kept touching Aiba - it felt somehow expectant. Sure, Aiba is the guilty one here, but that didn't mean that Jun hadn't maybe thought about the same things that he had.
That, ultimately, was the thought that had pushed him off the couch and back onto the ferry. He had to see Jun - to apologize, but also to see what he's really thinking. Of course, he has to corner him first.
This will take some planning, but Aiba has a long ferry ride ahead, and not much else to do. He digs out his phone and starts typing a text out to their manager.
+
The staff happily give him the go-ahead to intrude, and are so thrilled to have another Arashi member drop by that they didn't even ask any questions.
Aiba pops his head hesitantly into the recording booth after Jun starts up a sample of their new single. "Um. Hi?"
Jun stares at him, his expression completely neutral.
"Can I join the show? The staff said it was okay." Which means that it's going to happen is implied, congratulating himself on his awesome idea. Once he had gotten Jun's schedule from their manager, it had been a simple issue of rushing off the ferry at Yokohama and catching a train up to Omiya. By simple, he meant 'act of pure insanity'. Aiba couldn't remember the last time he had taken a train (packed with weekend traffic), with only a mask and a hat standing between him and certain, squishy doom.
Still, he had made it largely unmolested, and here he was.
"All right, then," Jun says in measured tones. "Come in."
The song is winding down, so Aiba takes a seat, tapping his toe to the last chorus while Jun adjusts his mic and gets ready.
"That was Classic, Arashi's new single, out for release next month," Jun says. "Speaking of Arashi, we have a surprise guest on the show tonight."
"Hello," Aiba says into his mic, suddenly feeling shy. Not that he isn't used to this - or he didn't want the whole public aspect involved - he feels like that's all that is keeping him from being torn limb from limb at the moment. "Classic is really good! I still can't remember a lot of it, though."
"Seriously, you need to get it together," Jun says, and he sounds like his usual self - nagging, playful. Aiba wonders how much of it is acting. "It's our romance is going higher, not our pants are on fire."
"I like my version better," Aiba protests, and Jun laughs. The sound makes Aiba's shoulders relax a bit, and he starts to gain confidence. This plan could work.
"Let's read some letters," Jun says. He lifts up a paper from a stack on the table. "This one is - "
"You should let me read it!" Aiba says, "Since I'm your special guest and all."
"You're such a nuisance," Jun says, but they're on air, so he lets Aiba have his way. He knows just as well that Aiba that on air, all he can do is play along.
"This one is from Green-kun, from Chiba," Aiba says quickly, before Jun can interrupt him. He hopes he isn't being too obvious, but Jun's knit brows and exasperated frown mean that he is probably lacking just a little bit of subtlety. "Dear Matsujun - I really love your radio show and I listen to it every week."
"Thank you" Jun murmurs, and Aiba can see his game face firmly in place, determined to not acknowledge what Aiba is doing.
"The other day, I had a fight with a friend," Aiba presses on, feeling himself sweating just a little. The staff watching from outside the booth look a little confused and Aiba doesn't blame them - he isn't even pretending to be reading something. Aiba is facing Jun, eyes fixed on him. He's going to see this through. "I did something really stupid, and I think I really hurt my friend. I don't really know how to fix things, and I was wondering," He clears his throat, nervous. Jun is meeting his eyes now, sharp and serious. "I was wondering if Matsujun had any advice for how I might try to make up with my friend."
Jun clears his throat, drumming his fingers on the desk. The seconds tick by and Aiba is aware of the heaviness of the silence. He's starting to feel a bit desperate to say something, anything when Jun says quietly, "It's probably best to be honest, isn't it?"
"It is," Aiba says wholeheartedly, relieved, "It really is."
"Somehow," Jun's expression is closed; Aiba can't read it at all. His palms are sweaty and he can't tell if this was a good idea or if it's just pissed Jun off even more. "Just if things get talked about? A real friend would probably listen."
"It's probably good to explain that you didn't mean to hurt them at all," Aiba agrees. It can't hurt to toss in a point for his side.
"Hmm." Jun's tone is non-committal, gruff. "So, given that this week's theme is 'friendship', let's hear the next song. Please listen - this is Friendship, by Aiba Masaki." Jun doesn't looking at Aiba.
There's a minute's pause while the music begins to play before Aiba slides off his headphones and dares to look at Jun directly. "Matssun?"
"We are going to talk about this," Jun warns, but there's less of a cold sharpness to his tone like there was before. "Don't you dare think that you're getting away with just crashing my radio show and thinking you've fixed everything."
"I don't," Aiba protests helplessly, except that he was kind of hoping that he had. He twirls the cords of his headphones nervously around his fingers, watching Jun shuffle through the papers on the desk. The song winds to a close, and they sign off.
+
It's past midnight when the company van stops in front of Jun's apartment; Jun blinks when Aiba follows him out of the van uncertainly, but he just nods tersely and walks into his building with Aiba trailing behind him.
"You're going to tell the truth," Jun says, as they get into the elevator. "Understood?" His voice is more serious than angry, but Aiba can only manage to nod meekly. He's still far from being forgiven.
"I didn't mean to do it," Aiba says, once they're inside Jun's apartment. He takes his shoes off and watches Jun flick on the main lights, following him into the kitchen. "I had kind of figured out that maybe you were seeing someone - at first, I just wanted to… let you know that I was fine with it. Things kind of got complicated, though."
Jun sighs. "You are such an idiot." He pulls open his fridge and tugs out two beers before handing one to Aiba. "Why not just ask?"
Aiba plays with the tab on the beer can, embarrassed. "That would have made sense," he admits.
Jun studies him carefully, and seems to take pity on him. "It's nothing serious," he says after a moment. "We're good friends. Sometimes we sleep together. That's all. I'm not ready for anything else - right now."
Aiba bites his lip and opens his can. "Oh," he says softly. "That's fine."
"Now you know," Jun says. He leans back against the kitchen counter, arms folded. "So I would like to know why it mattered so much to you that you know this." His expression is stern, but somehow curious.
Aiba takes a drink to let him organize his thoughts for a moment. "I'm not in love with you," he says finally, stating the first certain thing that comes to his mind. He means it as a reassurance, but it sounds more like a defense.
Jun nods, lips twitching into a smirk. "So you broke up with your girlfriend, crashed at my apartment, and then molested me over breakfast - because…"
"Not all of those things are connected!" Aiba says, sounding lame even to his own ears. "Besides, you were weird the night before - after I told you I knew. I couldn't really read what you were thinking."
"I thought you were trying to come onto me," Jun says plainly. "What did you think?"
This would be funny under any other circumstances. "Mostly the same?" It's a bit embarrassing, in retrospect, how he read into Jun's actions like he did. "I guess I thought - if you were into guys, maybe you could have a thing for me."
"I don't." Jun's voice is gentle. It's almost an apology. It's funny, really, how the same words can have so many different weights and meanings.
"I know," Aiba says, even though he can feel his hands shaking on the beer can. "It's fine."
"Are you disappointed? You said you weren't in love with me, either."
"I'm not." Jun's expression is disbelieving, and hell, Aiba's in deep enough already, he might as well be honest. "I'm not, but - I'd be lying if I said the idea didn't interest me. I didn't really know what I meant by any of it, but I did say I was sorry."
Jun sighs. "It's not just your fault. I'm the one who really started things. I don't know if it was the alcohol - I probably would have slept with you that night if you'd wanted to. If you had pushed a little more."
A momentary shiver of heat prickles under Aiba's skin at the idea. "Do you think it's really that different? Being in love or - or just loving someone and being…interested?"
It makes sense inside his head, but it sounds pretty stupid when he puts it into words. Jun seems to consider it anyways, his dark eyes serious as he takes another sip of beer.
"Would you want that?" Jun asks finally. "To be with me like that?"
Aiba sets down his can on the counter, twisting his fingers together. "I don't know," he admits. "I think - yes, but I don't know if it's just the idea of it, or if I'm lonely and want something safe."
It's strange, being this honest with each other. They've known each other for nearly two decades, but Aiba can't remember if they've ever talked like this with each other before.
Jun avoids his gaze. "I think it's better if we don't."
"So do I," Aiba agrees quickly. It's a bit disappointing, but he knows Jun is right. A relationship isn't something you negotiate your way into, and you don't treat one of the most precious people in the world to you like a one-night stand. He nearly made that mistake already. Who knows how many more they would make it they actually tried to be together?
"I think we would have made a mess of things anyway, right? So it's okay like this." He's crying, Aiba realizes, mortified. He's standing in the middle of Jun's kitchen, clutching a beer with tears leaking out of his eyes uncontrollably.
The fierceness of Jun's hug surprises him. "Masaki," Jun says softly, pulling back so he can wipe the wetness off Aiba's cheeks with his thumbs. "Don't, okay?"
Aiba nods, wiping his eyes on his shirt sleeve. "Sorry."
Jun smiles, framing Aiba's face in both hands and kissing him softly. It's slow, lingering and warm. Aiba clutches the back of Jun's shirt, closing his eyes and holding on as their mouths move against each other. Part of him knows that this is never, ever going to happen again, and the softness of Jun's hands against his skin, the sour tang taste of beer on his breath and the heat of their faces pressed close together is almost overwhelming.
The kiss stays sweet, almost chaste, but Aiba is almost dizzy when they finally pull apart.
"That's some way to tell someone you aren't in love with them," he tells Jun.
Jun grins. "I could kick you out if you'd prefer that."
Aiba buries his head into Jun's shoulder, reluctant to untangle himself just yet. "Sorry for messing things up," he says quietly, an extra apology.
"Nothing has to change." Jun gives Aiba a gentle squeeze before letting him go. "Come on, go home. We need to get some sleep before the Kohaku press conference tomorrow."
This is the Jun that Aiba has always loved; bossy but gentle, serious and openly warm. They probably wouldn't work together, but it's okay like this. It really is. Jun will always be a part of his life and he will always love him. That should be enough.
It really should be enough.
Part 4
Aiba/Jun | 嵐 RPS | PG-13 | ~12,500 words
Part 1 | Part 2
After the initial euphoria of just being able to lie on the beach for hours on end wears off, staying at Ohno's is actually kind of boring. Ohno spends most of his time out on the ocean, and Nino has claimed the back deck as his workspace, surrounded with his guitar, a notepad, and an army of stubby yet lovingly-sharpened pencils.
Aiba imagines that they usually have sex more often, but it probably isn't really polite to do that with house guests around. It's not like they're subtle, or anything - Aiba has long ago accepted that Nino groping Leader's butt was sort of like holding hands. Everyone has their own way of showing affection, he supposes.
Aiba wonders briefly if he should stay for a few days and see how long it takes Nino to explode. It probably won't take that long, since Nino is filming that Korean movie in November, and would be leaving for almost an entire month. He'd be flying back every now and then for their regular work, but probably never long enough to warrant spending any significant amount of time together.
Sho calls in the early afternoon of the day after Aiba arrives, while Ohno and Nino are out of the house. Aiba answers the phone nervously. Sho's protective instincts had only gotten stronger with age and he is particularly protective of Jun - well, they all are, lately.
"You are in such trouble," Sho says, in a voice that makes Aiba want to curl up into a small ball and hide behind the couch. It isn't angry and rough and snappish like Jun when he's angry, it isn't sharp and sarcastic like Nino in a temper. Sho's angry voice is low and serious, even measured tones like he's trying to press down his emotions.
"Jun cancelled on me today all of a sudden. I went to his place, and he wouldn't even buzz me up today. We were supposed to go shopping for bowties for the best men. What happened?"
"Well -" Aiba tentatively begins explaining his side of the story, but Sho cuts him off almost immediately.
"I know what you did, Masaki, for god's sake. Nino told me when he called me last night after you arrived there. I was asking you what happened to warp your brain to the point that you thought that was a good idea.
"
"I was drunk!" Aiba says defensively. It's a feeble excuse, but it's all that he has.
"That doesn't matter," Sho growls, "Jun's beside himself right now, did you ever stop to think about him? His ex just got remarried, he just found out that she's having a baby - he's just barely got his life back together and he's taking on so much extra work - the last thing he needs is his sexually confused bandmate trying to come onto him. What the hell were you thinking?"
"I know it was a mistake," Aiba says. There's a lump in his throat - Sho's yelling at him, and Sho never yells. He's suddenly glad that Ohno had the sense to drag Nino out to help him get groceries before Sho called. "I'll apologize to Matsujun, okay? I wasn't thinking."
"Obviously," Sho says, but his tone is a little softer. "In any case, I want you to get your ass back to Tokyo on the next ferry, because I don't think Jun is going to cool down until you apologize properly and tell him what an inconsiderate, stupid idiot you are."
"You may be short one best man for the wedding once Jun gets a hold of me," Aiba jokes, trying to lighten things up. Sho doesn't even laugh.
"He won't kill you, you know Jun better than that. Once you explain things -well, just do it soon, okay? " Sho says, sounding exasperated. " I don't need is two best men who can't even talk to each other normally for two minutes. It's bad enough that the other two think they're the ones getting married."
+
Aiba's iPod dies about halfway through the ferry ride back to the mainland, and he's left to try and bake himself in one of the deck chairs under the hot late summer sun, stomach squirming slightly as he thinks about what he could possibly say to Jun.
It goes without saying that he really kind of fucked things up. In retrospect, especially after Sho's phone call, it's really kind of embarrassing to see how much he overreacted. Trying to come onto Jun was definitely the worst mistake, but Aiba had to admit to himself, somewhat guiltily, that it wasn't just a random act.
There had been a time, about five or six years before, before Jun had gotten married, before Ohno and Nino had advanced any further in their awkward mating dance beyond poking each other in the ass - when Aiba had looked at Arashi, and had been absolutely positive that he would never find anyone in the world who he loved more. He never said it out loud, because that kind of sappiness generally required beer and a lot of post-concert adrenaline, and this was just different. It was a completely sober thought, and it scared him.
All of them played down their relationship in the media, but the reality was that they were close, in a way that went beyond simply spending time together. They could read each other, they understood each other. Aiba had his own friends and family, but when he needed someone who would let him be his most basic self, who didn’t need explanations - it was Arashi, every time.
Aside from that, Aiba can't really imagine himself in a relationship with any one of them. He played around with the idea in his mind at times, wondering what it would be like. The problem was that he idealized it all too much in his mind. When a girlfriend bought him a video game for his birthday that he already had, he had thought Nino would have known. If a date wanted to go to a pancake shop, he would think longingly about how Ohno was always, always okay with ramen. It wasn't just shallow things like that, either. There had been fights, ugly and cold, and even though he would push away the thoughts as they rose in his mind, he couldn't help but think Matsujun would have understood, or Sho-kun would never have said that.
Aiba knows that breaking up because things weren't perfect was the easy way out. He knows it wasn't fair to someone to measure them against another person. He knows that relationships were about work and trust, but some part of him just doesn't care.
So, this "throwing-himself-at-Jun" thing - it hadn't really come out of nowhere, if he is honest with himself. It was a thought that he had never planned to put into action. Finding out Jun was maybe seeing a guy - that made what had always been impossible suddenly a lot more plausible. He had spent so much time going over the idea of Jun with guys in his head not just because he was concerned about him. No, his motives were way more selfish. Pretty terrible, really.
Still - since arriving at Toshimajima after escaping Jun's place, Aiba had spent countless hours lying on the patio, watching the waves roll and slosh onto the beach. He had played back that night in his mind. It was all a bit bleary, but he hadn't been that drunk - he remembered. He remembered Jun being all tense and shifty. The way he had kept touching Aiba - it felt somehow expectant. Sure, Aiba is the guilty one here, but that didn't mean that Jun hadn't maybe thought about the same things that he had.
That, ultimately, was the thought that had pushed him off the couch and back onto the ferry. He had to see Jun - to apologize, but also to see what he's really thinking. Of course, he has to corner him first.
This will take some planning, but Aiba has a long ferry ride ahead, and not much else to do. He digs out his phone and starts typing a text out to their manager.
+
The staff happily give him the go-ahead to intrude, and are so thrilled to have another Arashi member drop by that they didn't even ask any questions.
Aiba pops his head hesitantly into the recording booth after Jun starts up a sample of their new single. "Um. Hi?"
Jun stares at him, his expression completely neutral.
"Can I join the show? The staff said it was okay." Which means that it's going to happen is implied, congratulating himself on his awesome idea. Once he had gotten Jun's schedule from their manager, it had been a simple issue of rushing off the ferry at Yokohama and catching a train up to Omiya. By simple, he meant 'act of pure insanity'. Aiba couldn't remember the last time he had taken a train (packed with weekend traffic), with only a mask and a hat standing between him and certain, squishy doom.
Still, he had made it largely unmolested, and here he was.
"All right, then," Jun says in measured tones. "Come in."
The song is winding down, so Aiba takes a seat, tapping his toe to the last chorus while Jun adjusts his mic and gets ready.
"That was Classic, Arashi's new single, out for release next month," Jun says. "Speaking of Arashi, we have a surprise guest on the show tonight."
"Hello," Aiba says into his mic, suddenly feeling shy. Not that he isn't used to this - or he didn't want the whole public aspect involved - he feels like that's all that is keeping him from being torn limb from limb at the moment. "Classic is really good! I still can't remember a lot of it, though."
"Seriously, you need to get it together," Jun says, and he sounds like his usual self - nagging, playful. Aiba wonders how much of it is acting. "It's our romance is going higher, not our pants are on fire."
"I like my version better," Aiba protests, and Jun laughs. The sound makes Aiba's shoulders relax a bit, and he starts to gain confidence. This plan could work.
"Let's read some letters," Jun says. He lifts up a paper from a stack on the table. "This one is - "
"You should let me read it!" Aiba says, "Since I'm your special guest and all."
"You're such a nuisance," Jun says, but they're on air, so he lets Aiba have his way. He knows just as well that Aiba that on air, all he can do is play along.
"This one is from Green-kun, from Chiba," Aiba says quickly, before Jun can interrupt him. He hopes he isn't being too obvious, but Jun's knit brows and exasperated frown mean that he is probably lacking just a little bit of subtlety. "Dear Matsujun - I really love your radio show and I listen to it every week."
"Thank you" Jun murmurs, and Aiba can see his game face firmly in place, determined to not acknowledge what Aiba is doing.
"The other day, I had a fight with a friend," Aiba presses on, feeling himself sweating just a little. The staff watching from outside the booth look a little confused and Aiba doesn't blame them - he isn't even pretending to be reading something. Aiba is facing Jun, eyes fixed on him. He's going to see this through. "I did something really stupid, and I think I really hurt my friend. I don't really know how to fix things, and I was wondering," He clears his throat, nervous. Jun is meeting his eyes now, sharp and serious. "I was wondering if Matsujun had any advice for how I might try to make up with my friend."
Jun clears his throat, drumming his fingers on the desk. The seconds tick by and Aiba is aware of the heaviness of the silence. He's starting to feel a bit desperate to say something, anything when Jun says quietly, "It's probably best to be honest, isn't it?"
"It is," Aiba says wholeheartedly, relieved, "It really is."
"Somehow," Jun's expression is closed; Aiba can't read it at all. His palms are sweaty and he can't tell if this was a good idea or if it's just pissed Jun off even more. "Just if things get talked about? A real friend would probably listen."
"It's probably good to explain that you didn't mean to hurt them at all," Aiba agrees. It can't hurt to toss in a point for his side.
"Hmm." Jun's tone is non-committal, gruff. "So, given that this week's theme is 'friendship', let's hear the next song. Please listen - this is Friendship, by Aiba Masaki." Jun doesn't looking at Aiba.
There's a minute's pause while the music begins to play before Aiba slides off his headphones and dares to look at Jun directly. "Matssun?"
"We are going to talk about this," Jun warns, but there's less of a cold sharpness to his tone like there was before. "Don't you dare think that you're getting away with just crashing my radio show and thinking you've fixed everything."
"I don't," Aiba protests helplessly, except that he was kind of hoping that he had. He twirls the cords of his headphones nervously around his fingers, watching Jun shuffle through the papers on the desk. The song winds to a close, and they sign off.
+
It's past midnight when the company van stops in front of Jun's apartment; Jun blinks when Aiba follows him out of the van uncertainly, but he just nods tersely and walks into his building with Aiba trailing behind him.
"You're going to tell the truth," Jun says, as they get into the elevator. "Understood?" His voice is more serious than angry, but Aiba can only manage to nod meekly. He's still far from being forgiven.
"I didn't mean to do it," Aiba says, once they're inside Jun's apartment. He takes his shoes off and watches Jun flick on the main lights, following him into the kitchen. "I had kind of figured out that maybe you were seeing someone - at first, I just wanted to… let you know that I was fine with it. Things kind of got complicated, though."
Jun sighs. "You are such an idiot." He pulls open his fridge and tugs out two beers before handing one to Aiba. "Why not just ask?"
Aiba plays with the tab on the beer can, embarrassed. "That would have made sense," he admits.
Jun studies him carefully, and seems to take pity on him. "It's nothing serious," he says after a moment. "We're good friends. Sometimes we sleep together. That's all. I'm not ready for anything else - right now."
Aiba bites his lip and opens his can. "Oh," he says softly. "That's fine."
"Now you know," Jun says. He leans back against the kitchen counter, arms folded. "So I would like to know why it mattered so much to you that you know this." His expression is stern, but somehow curious.
Aiba takes a drink to let him organize his thoughts for a moment. "I'm not in love with you," he says finally, stating the first certain thing that comes to his mind. He means it as a reassurance, but it sounds more like a defense.
Jun nods, lips twitching into a smirk. "So you broke up with your girlfriend, crashed at my apartment, and then molested me over breakfast - because…"
"Not all of those things are connected!" Aiba says, sounding lame even to his own ears. "Besides, you were weird the night before - after I told you I knew. I couldn't really read what you were thinking."
"I thought you were trying to come onto me," Jun says plainly. "What did you think?"
This would be funny under any other circumstances. "Mostly the same?" It's a bit embarrassing, in retrospect, how he read into Jun's actions like he did. "I guess I thought - if you were into guys, maybe you could have a thing for me."
"I don't." Jun's voice is gentle. It's almost an apology. It's funny, really, how the same words can have so many different weights and meanings.
"I know," Aiba says, even though he can feel his hands shaking on the beer can. "It's fine."
"Are you disappointed? You said you weren't in love with me, either."
"I'm not." Jun's expression is disbelieving, and hell, Aiba's in deep enough already, he might as well be honest. "I'm not, but - I'd be lying if I said the idea didn't interest me. I didn't really know what I meant by any of it, but I did say I was sorry."
Jun sighs. "It's not just your fault. I'm the one who really started things. I don't know if it was the alcohol - I probably would have slept with you that night if you'd wanted to. If you had pushed a little more."
A momentary shiver of heat prickles under Aiba's skin at the idea. "Do you think it's really that different? Being in love or - or just loving someone and being…interested?"
It makes sense inside his head, but it sounds pretty stupid when he puts it into words. Jun seems to consider it anyways, his dark eyes serious as he takes another sip of beer.
"Would you want that?" Jun asks finally. "To be with me like that?"
Aiba sets down his can on the counter, twisting his fingers together. "I don't know," he admits. "I think - yes, but I don't know if it's just the idea of it, or if I'm lonely and want something safe."
It's strange, being this honest with each other. They've known each other for nearly two decades, but Aiba can't remember if they've ever talked like this with each other before.
Jun avoids his gaze. "I think it's better if we don't."
"So do I," Aiba agrees quickly. It's a bit disappointing, but he knows Jun is right. A relationship isn't something you negotiate your way into, and you don't treat one of the most precious people in the world to you like a one-night stand. He nearly made that mistake already. Who knows how many more they would make it they actually tried to be together?
"I think we would have made a mess of things anyway, right? So it's okay like this." He's crying, Aiba realizes, mortified. He's standing in the middle of Jun's kitchen, clutching a beer with tears leaking out of his eyes uncontrollably.
The fierceness of Jun's hug surprises him. "Masaki," Jun says softly, pulling back so he can wipe the wetness off Aiba's cheeks with his thumbs. "Don't, okay?"
Aiba nods, wiping his eyes on his shirt sleeve. "Sorry."
Jun smiles, framing Aiba's face in both hands and kissing him softly. It's slow, lingering and warm. Aiba clutches the back of Jun's shirt, closing his eyes and holding on as their mouths move against each other. Part of him knows that this is never, ever going to happen again, and the softness of Jun's hands against his skin, the sour tang taste of beer on his breath and the heat of their faces pressed close together is almost overwhelming.
The kiss stays sweet, almost chaste, but Aiba is almost dizzy when they finally pull apart.
"That's some way to tell someone you aren't in love with them," he tells Jun.
Jun grins. "I could kick you out if you'd prefer that."
Aiba buries his head into Jun's shoulder, reluctant to untangle himself just yet. "Sorry for messing things up," he says quietly, an extra apology.
"Nothing has to change." Jun gives Aiba a gentle squeeze before letting him go. "Come on, go home. We need to get some sleep before the Kohaku press conference tomorrow."
This is the Jun that Aiba has always loved; bossy but gentle, serious and openly warm. They probably wouldn't work together, but it's okay like this. It really is. Jun will always be a part of his life and he will always love him. That should be enough.
It really should be enough.
Part 4