weathervane (4/5) [arashi rps]
Weathervane [4/5]
Aiba/Jun | 嵐 RPS | PG-13 | ~12,500 words
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
Aiba has had his fair share of break-ups, and as he grew older, it surprised him how they seemed to hurt less over time. Mind you, he was usually the one initiating the whole thing. Either that, or he just withdrew until the girl got frustrated and ended it. It wasn't that he wasn't sincere; somehow, it was like once he saw that things would end, there was no point in continuing.
It sounds callous, but the reality was his heart just wasn't in it. With each new relationship, he felt a spark of hope, but it never lasted.
Of course it was his fault. He didn't cry when he told Nanami that he wanted to stop seeing each other. He hasn't cried over a break-up since - it was hard to remember.
And yet he had started crying in the middle of Jun's kitchen like a rejected schoolboy.
Well, it was hardly a break-up, but it had felt pretty soul-crushing all the same. Embarrassing, too. Yet when he had left, he felt strangely calm. He had gone home, drank some beer, watched some TV, and gone to bed early.
And now he was awake far too early, buzzed on coffee that his manager had kindly pressed in his hand when he found Aiba face-down in the break room couch, and trying to ignore the surreptitious, concerned looks that Sho keeps shooting in his direction.
Jun looks groggy, but composed. He sits at the break room table and starts flipping through the script for the conference with hardly more than a casual "Good morning" in anyone's direction. It almost makes Aiba angry for a moment, until he realizes that would be ridiculous; wasn't the point that they were both getting back to normal?
Ohno and Nino arrive barely on time, bleary-eyed and dazed from the overnight ferry. They slide onto the couch on either side of Aiba. Nino steals his coffee, and Ohno manages to fall asleep within seconds of hitting the couch. Aiba relaxes a bit. This feels more like normal.
It's the first Kohaku ever with a new-half hosting for the Red team, so most of the media attention focuses on that. It's their seventh year hosting, and while they are always truly grateful and honoured, the press seems to accept it as a foregone conclusion that they will be there. Haruna Ai seems like she will be fun to host with - she's not shy at all before the cameras, though the gravity of the situation keeps her reasonably solemn. She only pinches Sho's butt once (for "good luck", as she claims), off-camera and backstage.
Aiba couldn't be happier, standing shoulder-to-shoulder with the rest of Arashi. It's the times that they are together that he always marvels at how well they fit. They can read each other's movements like a second language; they naturally complement and cover for each other. Even these days, when these meetings are more and more rare, they haven't forgotten how to be together.
When it's over, the green room clears out fast; they're all busy, and there's little time to sit around and catch up. Aiba doesn't have anything for a few hours, so he takes his time getting dressed, and it's only when he's pulling on his jacket that he notices that Sho is still planted on the couch, checking messages on his phone - trying to look casual about it, but obviously waiting for something.
"I talked to Jun," Aiba says, trying to sound casual.
Sho's eyes are empathetic, but his mouth twitches in a smile. "You're still in one piece, I see."
Aiba hangs up the suit he had been wearing for the press conference back on the rack. ""I apologized. We -" he feels his voice waver, and decides to keep it short. "We're fine."
Sho nods, leaning forward a bit, putting his phone down. "Are you really fine?" he asks.
Aiba opens his mouth to say yes, but something stops him. He sits on the arm of the couch. There's no need to lie to Sho on top of trying to lie to himself.
"I don't know what I want," he admits. "Jun said we should just be friends - that we'd just mess things up. I think he's right. But I still…"
Sho lets out his breath in sigh. "Masaki."
"I know I was wrong," Aiba keeps his head down, fidgeting. "I just -"
"You're not wrong," Sho interrupts, and he gets up, moving over to the side of the couch Aiba is sitting on. He ruffles a hand through Aiba's hair comfortingly. "I'm sorry for yelling at you before. It's just - I thought you were just fucking around, and Jun - well, Jun has been hurt enough."
"Why does everyone think I just fuck around?" Aiba doesn't get it. Sure, he's had more relationships that most of them, but it's not like he's playing. He tries, he really tries, but he can see the end every time he starts.
When Jun had kissed him - it had felt good. It wasn't stars and hearts in his eyes and all that, but it had felt like sliding a puzzle piece into place. It was satisfying. It fit. Now, talking to Sho, more pieces were starting fall into place, and he was starting to realize that he had agreed more out of sheer terror of losing Jun's friendship than actually agreeing that it was a bad idea.
"I don't think you realize how much he trusts you." Sho says thoughtfully. "You two are always together - I think he talks to you more than anyone else, except maybe Leader. I think he just sees how much he has to lose, and doesn't want to take any chances. It doesn't mean that he doesn't feel anything for you. He's just trying to protect himself - maybe protect you, too. Who's to say that he's wrong?"
Aiba can't say anything in reply to that. He loves Jun. He's always known that, but there's a gap between knowing and really feeling through the depths of exactly what that meant. It wasn't loneliness or curiosity that was driving him to do such utterly stupid shit.
A memory floats into his mind suddenly; Jun bent over a small cake, candles flickering soft light over his face. His expression peaceful, but focused. The two of them sitting in the middle of Jun's floor, eating cake - Aiba couldn't remember being happier, before or since.
No, it isn't just that Jun is Arashi, and he loves Arashi. It isn't just curiosity about Jun being with guys, and what that might be like. Jun has always made him feel warm, appreciated, and understood - and Aiba is confident that he understands Jun. He has seen him triumphant, angry, scared, heartbroken - he knows how to map his feelings and navigate through to gentler waters.
He wants Jun. And he means it.
Sho sinks back into the couch cushions. "Awhile back - after Jun's wedding, I told Nino to back off. I thought he and Ohno might make a mess of things. It might be my fault that it took them so long."
"Not your fault," Aiba slides down into the cushions next to Sho, drawing up his legs onto the couch. "They're both stubborn idiots."
They sit silently like that for a few moments, until Sho finally says. "You're really going to try? You might get kicked out on your face a few times, you know." There's an edge of laughter to his voice.
Aiba sighs. "I'm not sure I've got the mental strength for this anymore." Jun isn't impulsive. If Aiba really wants to get through to him - to convince him - it would be like water wearing through stone. Gently, unobtrusively, and possibly taking a million years.
Sho chuckles, getting to his feet and stretching. "Come on. I'll buy you ramen. There's a good place around the corner."
The door of their green room clicks open, and Haruna Ai's head pops around the door frame. "Not naked enough!" she says disapprovingly, before closing the door again.
Sho gives the door a long look while Aiba laughs until his sides were sore. "Remind me to speak to the staff about locks."
The year is already half over, but Aiba has a feeling that the last few months will be their best yet.
Part 5
Aiba/Jun | 嵐 RPS | PG-13 | ~12,500 words
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
Aiba has had his fair share of break-ups, and as he grew older, it surprised him how they seemed to hurt less over time. Mind you, he was usually the one initiating the whole thing. Either that, or he just withdrew until the girl got frustrated and ended it. It wasn't that he wasn't sincere; somehow, it was like once he saw that things would end, there was no point in continuing.
It sounds callous, but the reality was his heart just wasn't in it. With each new relationship, he felt a spark of hope, but it never lasted.
Of course it was his fault. He didn't cry when he told Nanami that he wanted to stop seeing each other. He hasn't cried over a break-up since - it was hard to remember.
And yet he had started crying in the middle of Jun's kitchen like a rejected schoolboy.
Well, it was hardly a break-up, but it had felt pretty soul-crushing all the same. Embarrassing, too. Yet when he had left, he felt strangely calm. He had gone home, drank some beer, watched some TV, and gone to bed early.
And now he was awake far too early, buzzed on coffee that his manager had kindly pressed in his hand when he found Aiba face-down in the break room couch, and trying to ignore the surreptitious, concerned looks that Sho keeps shooting in his direction.
Jun looks groggy, but composed. He sits at the break room table and starts flipping through the script for the conference with hardly more than a casual "Good morning" in anyone's direction. It almost makes Aiba angry for a moment, until he realizes that would be ridiculous; wasn't the point that they were both getting back to normal?
Ohno and Nino arrive barely on time, bleary-eyed and dazed from the overnight ferry. They slide onto the couch on either side of Aiba. Nino steals his coffee, and Ohno manages to fall asleep within seconds of hitting the couch. Aiba relaxes a bit. This feels more like normal.
It's the first Kohaku ever with a new-half hosting for the Red team, so most of the media attention focuses on that. It's their seventh year hosting, and while they are always truly grateful and honoured, the press seems to accept it as a foregone conclusion that they will be there. Haruna Ai seems like she will be fun to host with - she's not shy at all before the cameras, though the gravity of the situation keeps her reasonably solemn. She only pinches Sho's butt once (for "good luck", as she claims), off-camera and backstage.
Aiba couldn't be happier, standing shoulder-to-shoulder with the rest of Arashi. It's the times that they are together that he always marvels at how well they fit. They can read each other's movements like a second language; they naturally complement and cover for each other. Even these days, when these meetings are more and more rare, they haven't forgotten how to be together.
When it's over, the green room clears out fast; they're all busy, and there's little time to sit around and catch up. Aiba doesn't have anything for a few hours, so he takes his time getting dressed, and it's only when he's pulling on his jacket that he notices that Sho is still planted on the couch, checking messages on his phone - trying to look casual about it, but obviously waiting for something.
"I talked to Jun," Aiba says, trying to sound casual.
Sho's eyes are empathetic, but his mouth twitches in a smile. "You're still in one piece, I see."
Aiba hangs up the suit he had been wearing for the press conference back on the rack. ""I apologized. We -" he feels his voice waver, and decides to keep it short. "We're fine."
Sho nods, leaning forward a bit, putting his phone down. "Are you really fine?" he asks.
Aiba opens his mouth to say yes, but something stops him. He sits on the arm of the couch. There's no need to lie to Sho on top of trying to lie to himself.
"I don't know what I want," he admits. "Jun said we should just be friends - that we'd just mess things up. I think he's right. But I still…"
Sho lets out his breath in sigh. "Masaki."
"I know I was wrong," Aiba keeps his head down, fidgeting. "I just -"
"You're not wrong," Sho interrupts, and he gets up, moving over to the side of the couch Aiba is sitting on. He ruffles a hand through Aiba's hair comfortingly. "I'm sorry for yelling at you before. It's just - I thought you were just fucking around, and Jun - well, Jun has been hurt enough."
"Why does everyone think I just fuck around?" Aiba doesn't get it. Sure, he's had more relationships that most of them, but it's not like he's playing. He tries, he really tries, but he can see the end every time he starts.
When Jun had kissed him - it had felt good. It wasn't stars and hearts in his eyes and all that, but it had felt like sliding a puzzle piece into place. It was satisfying. It fit. Now, talking to Sho, more pieces were starting fall into place, and he was starting to realize that he had agreed more out of sheer terror of losing Jun's friendship than actually agreeing that it was a bad idea.
"I don't think you realize how much he trusts you." Sho says thoughtfully. "You two are always together - I think he talks to you more than anyone else, except maybe Leader. I think he just sees how much he has to lose, and doesn't want to take any chances. It doesn't mean that he doesn't feel anything for you. He's just trying to protect himself - maybe protect you, too. Who's to say that he's wrong?"
Aiba can't say anything in reply to that. He loves Jun. He's always known that, but there's a gap between knowing and really feeling through the depths of exactly what that meant. It wasn't loneliness or curiosity that was driving him to do such utterly stupid shit.
A memory floats into his mind suddenly; Jun bent over a small cake, candles flickering soft light over his face. His expression peaceful, but focused. The two of them sitting in the middle of Jun's floor, eating cake - Aiba couldn't remember being happier, before or since.
No, it isn't just that Jun is Arashi, and he loves Arashi. It isn't just curiosity about Jun being with guys, and what that might be like. Jun has always made him feel warm, appreciated, and understood - and Aiba is confident that he understands Jun. He has seen him triumphant, angry, scared, heartbroken - he knows how to map his feelings and navigate through to gentler waters.
He wants Jun. And he means it.
Sho sinks back into the couch cushions. "Awhile back - after Jun's wedding, I told Nino to back off. I thought he and Ohno might make a mess of things. It might be my fault that it took them so long."
"Not your fault," Aiba slides down into the cushions next to Sho, drawing up his legs onto the couch. "They're both stubborn idiots."
They sit silently like that for a few moments, until Sho finally says. "You're really going to try? You might get kicked out on your face a few times, you know." There's an edge of laughter to his voice.
Aiba sighs. "I'm not sure I've got the mental strength for this anymore." Jun isn't impulsive. If Aiba really wants to get through to him - to convince him - it would be like water wearing through stone. Gently, unobtrusively, and possibly taking a million years.
Sho chuckles, getting to his feet and stretching. "Come on. I'll buy you ramen. There's a good place around the corner."
The door of their green room clicks open, and Haruna Ai's head pops around the door frame. "Not naked enough!" she says disapprovingly, before closing the door again.
Sho gives the door a long look while Aiba laughs until his sides were sore. "Remind me to speak to the staff about locks."
The year is already half over, but Aiba has a feeling that the last few months will be their best yet.
Part 5