I feel sooo much better today. Last night Betty Monroney called to say she is moving to Texas. Harold has been wanting to live in a golfing community, so she finally agreed. During the course of our conversation I mentioned how severly depressed I have been. I cried (am doing alot of that these days), and she just encouraged me and her spirit ( Read more... )

It's 5:00 am and I can't sleep. I am looking for something I can get excited about. Nothing interests me. I am bored and alone. David is driving me nuts. I hate having him at home all day every day. He is soooo boring. (Of course I'm not much better. Who knew mental illness could be sooo boring.) Sylvia Plath said "When you're insane, that's all ( Read more... )

My time in therapy seems to be paying off. Jeremy suggested I write down what happened when I had my first episode and explain it from a psychological perspective. Seeing what happened and thinking about it now that I understand better that my biology was working against me irregardless of my choices, gives me hope that I can recover. I do have a ( Read more... )

I'm back from my Mom's. I enjoyed seeing Bud. We visited quite a bit, and he is going to come for a couple of days to help me learn my computer. I will probably wait until spring when I am less depressed. For now I am sooo depressed I'm not good company. I don't know what to do with myself when I am so down. I don't want to be around people, but I ( Read more... )

I had a terrible morning today. A loop of thinking keeps running in my brain telling me why I am destined to end up in hell. It is obsessive, and I can't stop it. When I sang and prayed this morning the loop started and I couldn't stop it. I went back to sleep, didnt go to the Y to exercise, and just felt lousy all day. I haven't done much except ( Read more... )

I am feeling much better today. I got up early and spent an hour in prayer and worship before I went to the Y to exercise. The singing especially seems to center me so I can think clearly. I thought of the Scripture that says "suffer the little children to come unto me... for of such is the kingdom of heaven" When I had my first psychological ( Read more... )

my thinking is pathological today. i tried to pray, to no avail. i just circle back to being rejected by God. i know its the illness, and when i am in a better frame of mood, i think better. i just don't know how to break this mood. how i hate this illness. how i want to have a normal life. oh well. life goes on. am thinking i might go to the ywca ( Read more... )

i am depressed. there i said it. i am really and truly depressed. tonite we went to david's sisters house for a birthday dinner. delicious food. maybe it is just my imagination but it seemed everyone (except david's grandmother) was stand offish to me. maybe they were just busy with the baby (only 6 months old and fussy alot). i don't know. it's ( Read more... )

It is almost 5:00 am and I can't sleep. It is not unusual for me to get up in the middle of the night, but i usually go right back to bed. tonite i thought i'd pray for a little while. well that just made me cry. where is god in all of this? have i betrayed his/her trust in me? why doesn't he/she take action against this stupid illness. this ( Read more... )

i'm moving slowly today. i'm tired and a little depressed. i felt so good yesterday and the day before. i went to the ywca for aquatic aerobics and a tone and tighted class. it felt so good to be in the water. i love everthing about these classes. the time of day, the women in the classes, (very friendly in a non-threatning way), being in the water ( Read more... )