Comments | kithlyara: Brigits_Flame July 2011 Week 1 Entry

kithlyara

Brigits_Flame July 2011 Week 1 Entry

Jul 10, 2011 15:55

Any comments will be greatly appreciated.

The theme for this week is: Bad Advice
Genre: Fiction
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1101

( Never give advice unless asked. - German proverb )

Comments 17

keppiehed July 11 2011, 01:50:51 UTC

Okay, I am going to level with you. This sentence:
I felt as if I were trying to swim through an oil spill in the ocean after someone set it ablaze during the middle of a tempest raining down the hellfire and brimstone the deacon at my grandmother’s church was always fond of preaching about. was a little bit long and dramatic. I think you have the idea of a solid simile, but it is lost in a lot of ideas going on here.

I like the idea of this piece and how you end on a hopeful note even though it is, essentially, a very scary and sad tale. You infuse the end with hope, and the sweetness redeems it to make for an interesting take on the prompt. I don't think I have ever read anything quite like it!

kithlyara July 11 2011, 03:23:23 UTC

Thank you for the comment and for the edit! I began writing this at 3pm EST and submitted it at 4:55pm EST. Needless to say, I didn't get a chance to edit this at all before I submitted it. I know it's really rough :/

I have my own health problems which is why I think my muse took the direction it did with this prompt. Sometimes all you have is a shred of hope to cling to to get you through a difficult time.

keppiehed July 11 2011, 03:26:52 UTC

I'm so sorry to hear that, and I most definitely understand. I hope that writing is cathartic, and know that you are among friends here! No need to apologize for your work; I am very glad to see that you have the courage to submit something that you feel is not your best representation, and knowing your health struggles, you have my best wishes. *hugs*

kithlyara July 11 2011, 19:39:23 UTC

Writing is definitely therapeutic for me! I'm always much happier when I write, regardless of whatever it is I'm writing about. Because of my health, I've had to give up doing several things that I love, however it's because of my health I've been able to focus on writing more. Having the autoimmune disease I have is a bit of a double-edged sword but it's allowing me to pursue a dream of mine so it can't be all bad! lol

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kithlyara July 11 2011, 19:34:22 UTC

Oh my goodness ... I can't believe I used 'past' instead of 'passed'. The editor in me is thoroughly embarrassed right now. I blame getting this written and submitted in less than two hours for that *hides*

When I was writing this, I was worried that the narrator's change at the end from insecure about her looks back to believing she's beautiful was too easy. I had a longer scene in mind originally where Darla was exposed for the vain, shallow woman she was which helped prompt the narrator to realize she had been beautiful all along and she never should have idolized this woman. Unfortunately, with my time constraint being what it was, I had to go with what I ultimately wrote. All in all, I like how it ended, I just wish I had more time to polish it before submitting it.

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kithlyara July 14 2011, 03:32:32 UTC

Thank you! The encouragement is greatly appreciated. This is the first thing I've written in awhile. I know it's been ages since I've competed on Brigit's Flame. I hate how life can get in the way sometimes.

rubyelf July 11 2011, 23:48:59 UTC

I think this definitely works... you let the truth of what really happened gradually unfold as the narrator recalls it.

kithlyara July 14 2011, 03:44:32 UTC

Thank you!

leticiae July 13 2011, 14:38:23 UTC

This was a good piece, but for me, it was the last line that was the best. It made me love it.

I like how this girl, despite her apparent hero worship of Darla was able to take her life back again. She was flawed and vulnerable, but she was the heroine nonetheless.

Good job!

kithlyara July 14 2011, 03:49:10 UTC

I have to admit that I'm fond of the last line, too. Originally, I had started to type another sentence after it but I quickly deleted it as it just didn't feel right. I'm glad my muse intervened because I really like how I ended it.

greenwillow27 July 13 2011, 18:37:44 UTC

I think this piece, while it stands on its own as a sort of slice of life moment, has a lot of potential if you wanted to develop and play with the history/unfolding relationship between the two women. I see from your comment above that you were hoping to go in that direction but for the time constraints.
Nice upbeat ending, too. I like the positive note at the end.

kithlyara July 14 2011, 03:50:11 UTC

Thank you!

Oddly enough, your comment has my muse toying with the idea of expanding on their relationship for this week's prompt ...