the ups and downs : the beautiful and damned (2/2)
the ups and downs : the beautiful and danned (2/2)
(snsd/dbsk - yoona/changmin) ≈6731wds; pg
weeks fly by and she’s scared (again) - yoona doesn’t know what she wants or what she feels or where she belongs (whom she belongs to) or if what she feels is real.
■ part 2 (part 1) of aoza's request (the conversation with you on twitter last night helped, a lot)
■ soundtrack/fanmix included at the end as usual
■ yes, I did quote 'breakfast at tiffany's' in one little spot.
■ asked for angst, I give you angst.
THE DOWNS
4TH
It turns out to be true.
Being on the top of the world does give you a long, long way to fall
--
She gets by on beauty.
There’s a photograph of her on the cover of some no name magazine, she does the usual, stand still and look the prettiest that she possibly can - hair all ratted up, face caked in colourful shades, sequins around her eyes, a stripe of bloody red on her lips, dressed in overpriced brand name clothing and unrealistically high pair of silhouettes.
After all, this is the life she asked for, isn’t it?
--
Shim Changmin mistaken Im Yoona for the wind - she comes and goes as she wishes.
There’s a young girl standing out in the courtyard with her back against the brick wall, her brown hair flowing freely and messy strands covering her face from their view. Changmin sees her like the rest of them do - porcelain skin, doe eyed, cupid bow lips, the same she’s always been.
It’s Yoona - there’s no other explanation for such beauty.
But it’s not really her after all, just an indistinguishable replica of her.
--
The very next day, Yoona shares her first kiss with Donghae. It’s empty, sloppy, quick and everything she hasn't hope it to be.
Precisely three hours later, he breaks her non-existent heart with a post it note stuck to her locker door for the world to see (let’s break up, sorry - Donghae).
She marches into the dance studio, in tears from laughing as she throws her cigarette at his school blazer. It caught on flames like she had planned; he called her crazy and leaves her to reflect upon their break up.
Her non-existent heart doesn’t break, there’s only numbness.
--
The old Yoona is dead and gone with no chance for a resurrection
And takes a part of him to her grave.
--
Unexpectedly, Sooyoung is still just Sooyoung - she hasn’t taken Yoona’s place in ruling the wonderful land of SM.
She’s not wearing baggy t-shirt and unfashionable pants anymore. Sooyoung has grown into a woman and a very pretty one for the matter. She grew more than a few inches in the past few months and obtains a certain glow of maturity that catches eyes of older boys. Maybe, just maybe - she has surpasses Yoona’s beauty.
“I left for a reason, Sooyoung.” Yoona stated coldly when Sooyoung sits down next to her in the cafeteria. “I’m never turning back.”
“You’re not fine, Yoona.” she whispers softly, almost as if she’s afraid to say it out loud.
She laughs. Who is around here?
--
Junsu and Yunho make Changmin go to a godforsaken bar with them. People are drinking cheap beer and cursing drunkenly under their breath everywhere he passes.
Then he spots Yoona flirting with the bartender pouring her a shot of soju.
He turns and prepares to run.
Yunho smiled sympathetically as he says a simple ‘sorry’ before sprinting out of the bar and pulling Yoochun along with him before he could gloat. It’s typical of Junsu to do these ‘considerate’ things but he expected more from Yunho.
When Changmin sits down next to her at the bar, Yoona tilts her head ever so slightly to stare at him. “Drink”
Yoona pushes a glass of soju toward him. He stares at it. She stares at him.
“I figure you would come looking for me at some point.” She says bluntly, gulping down the throat-burning liquid in one, quick gulp. “How are you?”
“Alright” is all he can say. “You?”
Yoona grimaces. “Not so bad”
“I heard you’ve been wining quite a lot of awards”
“Enough to satisfy the company”
He watches as she trails her finger along the rim of the glass, “And the answer to your unspoken question - I’m not here anymore, Changmin so I suggest that if you don’t want to be disappointed like the rest, you’ll forget about me.”
“Don’t lie, Yoona. It doesn’t go with your brand of beauty.”
--
There is a party, after yet another pointless showcase with her as the front girl with a pretty smile.
Yoona doesn’t bother to socialize or make chit chats or an attempt to be polite to the try-hard, nosy girls that are on nine clouds with the fact that she was finally out of the picture. The night drifts off in a blur, leaving her with nothing but a bottle of scotch and a paper cup in hand. She wasn’t drunk (not yet, at least) but tipsy enough to let Park Yoochun says more than ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye’ to her and not walking away.
“So you’re bad now?” He smarms, voice low.
“So?” She asked in slight annoyance as she filled her cup with the amber liquid. “Let me guess, you resent it like all the others.”
He snickered, tugging the bottle out of her grasp and takes a gulp as he replies, “No - I like it, correction love it. You were boring as a goodie two shoes anyway but that's far from the point, isn't it? That poor kid just wants you in his life."
Yoona decides that tipsy is an understatement of the situation because a drunken night can be pleasant with Park Yoochun.
--
“Changmin”
She greeted casually without taking a glance at him, her foot resting on the ballet bar as she ties up the laces of her sneakers.
Yoona briefly pauses in front of the mirror before turning to his direction as she asks, “What can I do for you today?”
“This” He says with a sigh and throws her the piece offering.
She quirks an eye brow as she observes the object in suspicion. “Cigarette? Expensive too. Is that what you want me to do? Smoke?”
“The only way to have a decent conversation with you - so I’ve heard.”
“You must be kidding me,” She scoffs incredulously. “You can’t get me to play patient and therapist with a packet of pricey cigarettes.”
“Then tell what I can do to help you.” He’s begging now and it’s pathetic but the fear of her slipping by is getting the best of him.
“See that’s the thing,” She says with a scowl. “You only think I need help because you want to change me. How stupid of me to think for even a second that you would be different.”
“But this is not yo -“
“Then who am I - tell me.”
He never gives her an answer.
“Goodbye, Changmin.” She slams the door behind her, wonders if he’d come after her and quickens her steps, not pausing to let him.
--
The new girl is proud and cruel, her name’s Choi Jinri and she reminded Yoona of her old self, she hates her instantly.
The girl’s naïve, clumsy, too much flaws - weakness, that’s all she sees.
A few days later after Choi Jinri earned too much attention for her own good, Yoona set fire to her dresses before the performance and watching as it burned to ashes. She remembers seeing fat tears rolls down her porcelain cheeks and not caring.
Yoona also remembers sneaking out of the dressing room to find Shim Changmin with his judgy little eyes, judging away (monster, devil, bully, childish).
(He doesn’t tell and she owes him one for that.)
--
The first time Changmin realizes that a part of him will always care for her, he blames it on how utterly screwed up she is and how he potentially could be the one to put the pieces back together, only if she would let him.
He seeks her out because he’s tired of waiting for her to come to him.
“I’m not giving up on you,” he says more to himself than to her. “I wish I could let you do whatever you want to do with your life but I can’t watch you destroy yourself and I won’t, I refuse to.”
Excuses are ready to pour out of her mouth so Changmin doesn’t give her the time. "You asked me to give you an answer to the question of your identity. I can’t and no one can either, you’ve never been able to let go off the façade.”
“Whenever you’re ready, Yoona - you know where to find me.”
It would take him an eternity to forget the way she lets him walk away without a fight.
5TH
She thinks sometimes that she shouldn't already feel so empty.
--
It was a typical, lonesome, February night and Yoona ends up at his dorm and spends a long ten minutes debating whether or not to knock before deciding otherwise and look for the spare key under the flower pot.
She feels like a broken record. I don’t miss him I don’t miss him I don’t miss him, she whispers while she slips off her shoes and even while heading down the direction of the lounging area.
Yoona clears her throat when she spots him with a book in his hand (typical), oblivious to the world and in another world of fiction where everything could end so well. “I didn’t want to see any of your group members.”
His eyes widens for a fraction of a section when he sees her but nod in understanding, “Why are you here - Yoona?”
There’s no use tiptoeing around the topic, so she says it as it is, “Well, here's your honesty: I’m scared - no, scared is an underwhelming word for what I’m feeling - I’m terrified.”
“I’m terrified, that’s it” she repeats wryly, “It’s a horrible feeling, you know? Being terrified all the time, it feels like suffocating.”
He blinks in confusion.
But she barrels on, determines to get this all out.
"I’ve been hiding behind a façade for too long…” She trails off, her eyes flooded with unbearable sadness. "I don’t know who Im Yoona is - not how she talks, not what she wants or what she wishes. And that’s terrifying.”
Changmin looks at her with something close to love in his eyes, “It’s never too late - I would like to get to know her someday.”
His fingers laces through hers and for the first time in months, Yoona felt something other than fear.
--
Later that night, they’re sitting in his room soundlessly. He’s going through the script for some section on some show while she’s tuck under the comforter of his bed and listening to his new CD.
“How does it feel?” She says out of the blue, her eyes on the clear, morning sky. “To be famous, I mean.”
He shrugs. “It has its perks.”
“Does it make you happy?”
“Amusingly and superficially, yes. But deeply and importantly, no.”
“I want you to be happy” Yoona doesn’t look him in the eye but he hears the sincerity in her words. “Deeply and importantly, happy. You have a nice smile, I’d like it if I could see it more often.”
I would like that too, he smiles, reflecting hers,
--
Her new roommate locked her out, leaving her out in the pouring rain without a jacket or an umbrella. It’s an act of revenge for that time, Yoona dumped her clothes out when she was in a foul mood last month. Or maybe it’s just karmas, finally catching up to her.
Yoona doesn’t intend on going to Changmin’s dorm ever again after last week, but her feet takes her there somehow because that’s the only place she truly feels secure.
She knocks this time, silently praying he isn’t home.
But he is, he’s always there when she needs him to be.
"I'm sorry," she breathes, taking an unsteady step forward, coming so close to him that his breath catches in his throat. She doesn't know what she's apologizing for (for hurting him, for using him, for being so selfish), she only knows the apology will be needed in near future.
Then Yoona does something she isn’t entirely sure she even knew she was doing. She does something neither of them would ever forget.
She hugs him - wrapping her arms around his body, tightly and murmurs what sounds like another ‘I’m sorry’ into his navy blue jacket.
“I forgive you” He whispers, holding her so close she can barely breathe. “It’s okay, Yoona. I forgive you.”
A flicker of understanding passed between them, easy and simple.
--
“When are you going to tell her?” Yunho asked him during practice break, panting and sweating like a pig as they lay on the floor with their eyes on the dirty ceiling.
“About?”
He knows exactly what Yunho is talking about but he doesn't want to acknowledge it more than any of them does.
“Us - advancing to the Japanese market.”
Changmin swallows, hard. “Maybe…she doesn’t need to know."
But she does and she will, either way this all ends in separation.
--
She finds out from a group of ignorant girls with loud voices and big mouths. They have a good laugh over it, making bets about which way this will go, bad or worse, catastrophic or disastrous. All she hears is he’s leaving, he’s leaving, he’s leaving, he’s leaving.
It hurts, there’s no explanation to the pain but it just hurts.
“They’ll make it” She says louder than she realizes.
The four girls at the back of the room stop, their giggles ending and smiles fading. They’re confused as they shift their attention towards her. Yoona meets their gaze and feels as if she could snap their head off with one more word from any of them. It’s not just sadness but a combination of anger and betrayal burning inside of her.
She looks them square in the eyes now, her fists clenches so tight, her nails are digging into her palms and repeats herself, this time with more confidence, “They’ll make it”
“So if I were you, I wouldn’t say something I’d regret.”
And then, all her sanity is lost, when she runs out of the room and to nowhere. She screams, loud and long and furious. She screams and she thrashes, Yoona’s terrified once again, this time it’s all because of him.
--
Changmin comes banging at her door with an explanation (I was going to tell you, it didn’t seem like the right time, you weren’t yourself).
Yoona chooses to not feel.
(All she wants is to forget)
She gets a lighter and a cigarette instead.
--
The next time she sees him, it’s on the late news and she blindingly throws the remote control at the screen as soon as his name is mention.
She remembers him. He was (still is) the one who understood her, who was there when nobody was, who cared enough to put the pieces back together.
Yoona wishes she could hate him but she felt just the opposite.
--
When he returns, his first stop is at her door (his home).
He knocks, exactly five times before she opens up.
“You’re back” she breathes, looking the most vulnerable he has ever seen of her when she reaches out and touches him as if to make sure he’s not just an illusion.
He clenches his jaw. “I -“
“I’m not mad” she whisperes, and it hurt to say it, hurt to admit that she’s such a weakling when it comes to him. “I want to but I can’t, I forgave you a long time ago.”
He stares at her for a long, long moment, punctuated only by her heavy breathing. He stands completely still, gazing into her hopeful eyes and not knowing what to do or what to say to make this right. A part of him wants to walk away, it’s too real, too raw, too confronting.
Until now, it'd been fairly easy to convince himself that he could abolish his foolish attraction (even if it’s much more than that) towards her, if only he fights it hard enough. How much he wanted -
Her - selfish, spoiled, imperfect but ever so perfect, Im Yoona.
Changmin couldn't deny it anymore.
6TH
She knows she cannot fix the past, can’t change all the sins she had committed. But she owes him more than she could repay.
So she would try. She would try to be the better (worthy of him).
Yoona would try for him.
--
She doesn’t know how or when it happened but it just did, her head is on his chest, listening to his steady heart beat and her left hand is envelope in his right. It’s weirdly not uncomfortable but rather calming, she realizes she’s not as nervous or frightened as she was before.
But she stops just a step away and faces the other way.
“Can you…?” she trails off, shutting her eyes tightly, leaving her with only darkness. “Can you look for me?”
Yoona hears him murmurs his response softly, “Okay”
The silence stretches on, reaching and probing and breaking. They’re both holding their breath, waiting, hoping.
“You’re on the list”
“W -what?”
“Your name - it’s on the list” he repeats himself again, this time happiness and relieve rushing in his voice.
“Your name, it’s on there, on the list - you’re going to debut, Yoona.”
Then it all happens too fast, she’s choking then she’s laughing then she’s crying. And somewhere in this haze of confusion and shock, she manages to stumble forward and burrows into him whispering all her long unspoken gratitude to him.
She knows he only saw her.
And suddenly, he was all she could see, too.
--
When he realizes just how deeply he felt for her, they’re standing in front of her dead mother’s grave.
Yoona fall to her knees, carefully placing the bouquet of lilies next to the grave stones. Then she smiles, the most genuine smile that has ever enter upon her face. It’s true and it’s full of love, something they all think she’s incapable of but only how wrong they all are.
“Hi, mum” She says with a small chuckle. “I - I’m sorry for visiting earlier, my life have been kind of a roller coaster lately.”
He looks away, knowing full well that even if he takes just a harmless glance, he might do something they’ll both regret.
“But I’m lucky,” Yoona says quietly, wiping the stream of tears away with the back of her hand and replaces it with yet another smile. “You see this boy here? He’s nice enough to help someone as stubborn and cold a -and helpless as me.”
A strange sort of twinge settles in his heart when she blindly reaches for his hand.
She closes her eyes and nestles into the hold of his arms, “I’m okay - I’ll be okay now.”
She cried. She cried, and he just let her.
For the first time, he caught a glimpse of the real her - gentle, kind hearted, strong yet so fragile, the girl he would do anything for, Im Yoona.
--
Jung Jessica, Choi Sooyoung, Kim Taeyeon, Hwang Tiffany, Kim Hyoyeon, Kwon Yuri, Seo Joohyun and Im Yoona. It’s final, they’re bounded for eternity. She doesn’t like the word ‘forever’ but it’s true and it’s happening.
It’s a commitment that cannot be broken.
She no longer lives for only herself but for another eight.
--
Changmin makes little excuses to go see her. To share a meal or to talk or to join her in some reading marathon.
He notices the evident changes in her. Her mood is nothing but cheerful and a smile or a laugh can be seen more often. He concludes that she’s happy - deeply and importantly happy. It feels like before, back when they were friends (slightly more than friends) before his debut and every possible thing in her life goes wrong.
She returns to shining bright as a star and he goes back to chasing after her.
So he's in the shadows and she's in the light, but there's got to be some cross-pollination somewhere, right?
--
They take Taeyeon’s voice and Yoona’s face and create the ideal member of a girl group.
It is assured that her face will be the centre of every shoot while Taeyeon’s voice is being made sure that it is used to its fullest, this can clearly be proven by listening to the song in which contains her vocal ability in each and every second (back up or not).
Kim Taeyeon is a small girl with a dorky laugh and infectious smile. And while she’s not the ‘it’ girl, she knows quite the amount of people (the fact that she’s seeing Xiah Junsu of Dong Bang Shin Ki comes helpful at times).
Her most valued trait, in fact is her friendliness. But all that is lost when Yoona is concerned.
The girl snaps and glares and makes snide comments that break heart - frustration, not hatred.
Taeyeon doesn’t understand what Yoona’s doing here - taking up her time and spaces.
But the girl gets it easy - no, she didn’t have to fight tooth and nail to get here so Yoona makes it clear (I don’t care whether it pleases you all or not…) that she’s not planning on going anywhere soon.
(This is her final resort)
--
When Yoona comes to see him off at the airport, Changmin realizes that the pain might be unbearable because even now that she’s standing right in front of him, something his chest stings, knowing that he will have to get on the one-way plane that will take him far, far away from her.
"I'm here to tell you goodbye," she finally says thickly, unable to look at him or even move.
He grimaces, already throbbing at the prospect of leaving her all alone. “I know”
So she nods quickly, decisively, putting off the break as long as she possibly can.
“I’ll see you again soon.”
But he’s only telling lies because whatever they might have shared between them in the last months was finally being put to an end.
“Goodbye,” She repeats yet again, firm and final.
He nods imperceptibly. "This is goodbye."
She doesn't have time to say it back.
Because he strides away, his shoulders tense, the pain almost visibly rippling through his body. Changmin doesn't look back.
And then, there is only silence. Silence, and a sound that he thinks could only be the breaking of his own heart.
--
There are three lies that they tell themselves in order to survive on:
(i) They’re alright, they’re fine.
(ii) Shim Changmin didn’t love Im Yoona in any slightest way.
(iii) The right choice: saying good bye.
7TH
The next time they see each other - it goes all too quickly, they nod, they bow then they pass like what every good co-workers should do.
After all that’s all they were/are - co-workers and so they choose to tell themselves.
--
It was mid-April when he and his group members arrive back in Seoul to start recording for their third album.
And it’s because that Junsu wants to see Taeyeon, Jaejoong wants to see Jessica and Yunho and Tiffany have developed a friendship that is a little bit more than friendly. That she has to see him again, get to be in the same room and breathes the same air. Yoona doesn’t know how she feels when he looks at her direction, it’s not - normal; it’s something else like an electricity shock in her chest.
“It’s very kind of you to invite us over” She hears his voice behind and refuses the urge to turn around.
She bites her lips then resumes to pouring the juice in the cups, “Don’t thank me - I’m only doing what I think would make the rest of them happy. It would be selfish of me if I didn’t agree to having you come over.”
“Oh” it comes out in a whisper, sad and hopeless and resigned. “I’m sorry”
"For what?" She grits out, feeling inexplicably, uncontrollably vulnerable.
Yoona swivels her head to look at him, pleading for an answer, “I should have known you would feel this way about me.”
“I don’t feel anything for you, Changmin.”
It’s clear and it’s hurtful but it’s true.
“I hope you don’t mind taking out the rest of the drinks.”
She doesn’t dare to look at him because Yoona was sure, he looks utterly floored, and she can't take it.
When she finally makes it out of the room, her fingers fall to her chest. It's an unconscious, involuntary movement and it’s because she can’t breathe, it’s almost as if she’s suffocating.
(The lies are suffocating her).
It doesn't take her long to acknowledge the agony deep within her own heart.
--
It’s not after a month later that Yoona finds Changmin in the empty cafeteria in completely darkness, no lights are turned on and he’s sitting lifelessly on the lunch table with a can of ice coffee in his hand.
She clears her throat, and he slowly turns his head. "Yoona."
She tentatively takes a seat next to him, staring into the pitch black in front of them. A minute, five, ten, fifteen, she isn’t sure but he gets up, throws the can in the bin and walks off without a word of farewell.
“Where are you going?” She calls, standing up. “I said - where are you going?” She asks again, this time more firmly but he doesn’t stop nor reply.
Yoona doesn’t think she can go on without making this right. She ran after him, pulling him back by the wrist, her chest heaving up and down in frustration as she repeats her long unanswered question, “I said - where are you going?” His eyes are lifeless, she panics. “What’s wrong with you?”
He slaps her hands away like her touch is toxic but now he's looking at her with a sort of tenderness, and it hits her, how could she have not catch it before? “You’re mad at me…b -but why?”
“I’m not mad, Yoona.” he whispers hoarsely. “But I’m tired.”
And she thinks she knows what he’s talking about but she doesn’t want to hear any of it. “Tired of what?”
“You - pretending that you don’t know - like right now.” He says calmly, his eyes boring into hers. “Or maybe you just don’t care.”
"What are you talking about? Of course I care," she whispers, completely incapable of meeting his gaze.
“But you’ve known all this time that something has changed between us, didn’t you?” He demands, she takes an unintentional step backward, astonished by the anger in his voice. “You choose to ignore it, why is that?”
She shakes her head staunchly (what change? what us?), “There’s nothing - nothing for me to ignore, Changmin.”
He blinks. His eyes are full of the emotion she never wanted to put there - pain.
"Okay,” the word biting, harsh. “Okay”
Then he leaves and Yoona pretends none of this is as heartbreaking as it is.
--
When Changmin awakes the next day, he’s completely aware that his heart is broken for the very first time in his life. It’s nothing like sadness or disappointment like he had been told. But it being painful is a fact - it stings and your chest swells and at some point, the line between hate and love blurs into one.
Then it all stops, it’s gone in seconds and he’s left with nothing but only the things he feels for her - he loves Yoona - he loves her in that way only he could love: deep and abiding and painful and possibly forever.
Later when she leaves him a voice mail - asking him about his well-being and (per usual) pretends that the conversation last night did not exist. It hurts all over again.
Changmin should hate her, he wants to hate her but still he can’t.
(He thinks he might never be able to.)
--
Yoona tells herself she isn’t waiting for Changmin to come. There’s a chair in the front row with his name tag plastered on it. It’s been left unoccupied for the two hours and no one can tell her why he isn’t here or when (if ever) he will be here.
I can do this, I can do this, even if it’s with or without him - she tells herself over and over again in her head. The clock ticks away then there’s only five minutes before the curtain is pull open and the show starts, she comes to the realization that she’s never done anything without him before.
He’s always the one to pull her through, fix her up and make things right.
But not this time - not when she needs him most.
“Yoon -“
“He’s not here”
Tiffany is still holding the door open, her brows knitted together as she asks in confusion, “What?”
“Changmin - he is not here.” She gritted out, pacing back and forth in the small space of their make-up room.
“His chair, it’s empty. Where is he? Junsu, Jaejoong, Yunho and even that dickhead, Park Yoochun is out there!”
An apologetic smile graces her face and a bouquet of roses; Tiffany had been holding is given to her. “Here - two minutes left before the show starts.”
Another sympathetic look is send her way before the older girl turns to leave the room, shutting the door as softly as she possibly could as she goes.
She doesn’t know why but her hands are shaking as she reaches for the small envelop discreetly hidden behind the wrapper. Yoona wants to drop the bloody red flowers in the trash can and forget - it’s bringing her closer to the answer, one that she might not want, she feels it in her very core. But she couldn’t stop burning curiosity and before she could help herself, her fingers are peeling away the paper that she almost doesn’t realize she was really doing this this.
I hope you’ll be able to forgive me for not being able to make it the showcase. My cold is only getting worse and not better, that is my only excuse of not being able to attend tonight.
Shivers and goose bumps are still racing across her skin with fever, her ears filled with some kind of ringing noise but it’s not anger, not at all but only uneasiness.
But if you’re nervous or the slightest bit scared - there is no need to be. You don’t need me to be there to be able to do this and I don’t need to be there to know that you’ll be a star, just as you have always been. All that I can do for you now is wish you good luck and and it’s because that you’re you that you’ll shine brighter than the rest. You’re Im Yoona - there’s nothing ordinary about that.
- Changmin
Yoona realizes that somehow he’ll always be with her.
(Always, always him.)
--
Before the fever begins to take over, before his instincts reign supreme, when he is still lucid, he thinks of her because he is helpless to do anything else.
He thinks of how she must be celebrating at the after party party, all dressed up and pretty as she always is.
He remembers her smiles and the way she looks at him, the corner of her eyes crinkling up as she laughs at what the things he says. He feels her touches, the way she embraces him, her arms wrapping around his body securely and the way she holds his hands. And the rest didn’t seem to matter, all the pains she have caused him, how selfish she has been, how she’s been using his undying love for her.
None of that no longer matter, he forgives her and he thinks he forgives her a long time ago.
--
“It’s alright to let yourself love him, you know that, right?” is the first thing anyone says when they get back to their dorm.
Forbidden thoughts floats in the air as the nine of them shared a knowing look. Yoona froze, she couldn’t move, couldn’t run away this time and all there is left is the earth shattering silence.
“Go” Jessica commands as she nods at Tiffany’s direction. “You’ve done your part - you did the showcase, you stayed for the after party. Now - go”
Yoona can't find her voice; she has nothing to say. She's never tried to make it work between the two of them because she's not brave enough. And she has no excuse for that.
She goes to him like she always does.
--
Changmin doesn’t question when he opens his eyes to a sleeping Im Yoona in the chair besides his bed.
He wants to hear her voice, wants to touch her, make sure she's real - here with him. But he doesn’t, he only admires her sleeping form then closes his eyes, burrows deeper, and dream of her.
This feels right.
(This is right)
--
When Yoona wakes up and the clock on the night stand is glaring at her with a big, red 6:00 AM, she is completely aware of where she is and who she's with.
He’s staring back at her, and she can tell he's breathing her in.
“How are you feeling?” He croaks, coughing vigorously in between his words.
Yoona couldn’t help but laugh - what a funny thing for a sick person to ask? Then she catches his onyx black eyes, following her every move and the laughter dies down, slowly going back to the intensified silent from the previous night.
“H - how are you?” She asks gently, her eyes fluttering nervously. “Your fever has gone down now, I took car -“
“I love you, Yoona.”
Then all her worries for his condition is completely forgotten, down the drain and forever gone. All she wants is to scream at him, wants to be angry. She wants to counter that clearly he should give up, she won’t give in and they’ll just be running in circles. But her mind is lost.
She lets out a shaky breath, trembling. “Wh -“
But he doesn't let her speak.
“I never wanted to - I know what this will lead to and how this will end but I need you to hear it just once - I love you, Yoona - no matter how much I fight it, no matter how much I try to hate you - I can’t - what I feel for you, it will never fade.” His confession is slow and painful, making sure that she knows that he means each and every word.
It sounds all too familiar and she think it’s because she has always known, she doesn’t need to hear him say it to know how much he cares, how much he loves her. And it’s tearing her heart to shred because she can’t love him, she won’t.
She stares at him, her expression blank and tense. “Forever is a long time, Changmin.”
He shakes his head fervently. “I need you to be honest with yourself and to me, just this once - what is it that you feel for me?”
But she doesn’t know the answer to his question. She doesn’t know what she feels for him, if it’s love or if it’s something close to love - she doesn’t know. Yoona’s scared of what this might mean - the possibilities of what they could be. She will hurt him, and she cannot bear the thought of breaking him further.
“The truth is, Changmin - I don't know how I feel about you. I've never known.” She says gently, her voice firm and calm, full of all the things she cannot say.
Then she recognizes the look in his eyes - it’s everything she’s been hiding away from. His mouth gapes open and Yoona knows what’s coming next. She already knows what he has to say about her and him - about them, it’s going to be full of hope and taking chances.
And the realization hits her like a ton of bricks, hard and life threatening and ever so important:
Changmin loves her - really loves her, It’s the truth, deep from his heart and not from his mind. And it’s something more promising than a mere attraction - it’s passionate and powerful and something like eternity.
“Please” she chokes out, knocking the chair over. “Please stop”
She does the only thing she ever knows how to, she runs away.
--
Weeks fly by and she’s scared (again) - Yoona doesn’t know what she wants or what she feels or where she belongs (whom she belongs to) or if what she feels is real.
Time will fix everything - she will forget, he will heal and they will be alright.
Instead, nothing is.
--
There is only a short, one hour left before she will make her debut performance, before she becomes his kind - a celebrity amongst hundreds of others, walking down the same damned path.
He thinks bitterly that if he had it his way, she would never get her chance at fame - selfish but he knows he would not be able to watch her crumbles (once again). It would destroy him more than it destroys her.
But Changmin doesn’t have it his way. In fact, it's been a long time since he got his way when it comes to Yoona. And now, they are broken and the possibility of recovering is close to nothing.
They are nothing now.
It’s not until when the five minutes count down mark enters that his cell phone vibrates against the leather seat of the seat of the cramp van that the weight in his chest is lifted.
Thank you - for everything. This is the least I can do after all you’ve done for me
-Yoona
A part of him understands how genuinely, distorted but so delicate their relationship really is.
--
They see each other once at the news year eve’s party.
He catches her eyes in the crowd and they share a moment, a small smile, something that no one can take away from them.
7TH
It takes her five months to comprehend the things she feels for him. It takes her six months before the fear goes way and there is only an acceptance. It takes her nine months to finally see clearly that there is something between them - a connection that always pull her back to him.
When she sees him again for the first time in nine months, it takes only a second for Yoona to know - she loves him.
Of course, she loves him - she’s been fighting it for the longest time. But how could she not? He’s Shim Changmin, the very thought of him seems to brighten her - he’s gentle and caring and is the only one that never gives up on her even in her darkest time. She loves him, it’s wonderful and painless and everything she has ever wishes for.
“I love you”
Then everything stops - there is only him, standing at the end of the hall with his bag drops to the floor. She feels the urge to laugh when he turns and stares at her blankly, disbelieve and confusion floods to his face.
“I was wrong, I’m sorry.” She says, a warm feeling spreading in her chest when she crosses the room and covers his hands with her. “I did know, I do know how I feel about you - I was just too scared to admit it, I couldn’t even admit it to myself.”
His expression is unreadable and she starts to worry if she has hurt him. “Then what does that make us?”
She could run away from this conversation and they can forget that this happened. But she won’t because she knows it’s only a matter of time before she returns to him, Yoona’s in too deep and she can’t get out, she thinks she doesn’t want to neither.
Loving him - it has never been an option.
“It makes you and I - us - Im Yoona and Shim Changmin.” Just as they’ve always been.
EPILOGUE
Im Yoona does not become a princess and Shim Changmin does not become her prince - it’s simple as that.
They don’t become lovers nor do they become friends. But somewhere and sometime when everyone is too busy in their own little world to notice, his eyes will be on hers and her lips will curve into a smile that says everything he doesn’t hear. Then they eventually learn to settle with the fact - a piece of their heart is loss to one another, forever.
Their story has its ups and downs, it’s neither a blissful nor a sorrowful one - just only in between.
THE DOWNS : THE DAMNED
i. paradise when she was just a girl, she expected the world
ii. clean when you pretend its never there, what do you answer for?
iii. everytime everytime you walk away or run away, you take a piece of me there.
iv. pretty down to your bones i will kiss and kiss and kiss your skin, beg for you to let me in.
v. fake plastic trees she looks like the real thing, she tastes like the real thing. my fake plastic love.
vi. two left feet the more I love you, the more you stray, the more I leave you, the more you come for me.
vii. kiss quick shut your mouth, pull me out, before this all goes grey.
viii. sparks my heart is yours.it's you that I hold on to.that's what I'll do.
DOWNLOAD
8 songs/ 47.056 MB / mediafire
(snsd/dbsk - yoona/changmin) ≈6731wds; pg
weeks fly by and she’s scared (again) - yoona doesn’t know what she wants or what she feels or where she belongs (whom she belongs to) or if what she feels is real.
■ part 2 (part 1) of aoza's request (the conversation with you on twitter last night helped, a lot)
■ soundtrack/fanmix included at the end as usual
■ yes, I did quote 'breakfast at tiffany's' in one little spot.
■ asked for angst, I give you angst.
THE DOWNS
4TH
It turns out to be true.
Being on the top of the world does give you a long, long way to fall
--
She gets by on beauty.
There’s a photograph of her on the cover of some no name magazine, she does the usual, stand still and look the prettiest that she possibly can - hair all ratted up, face caked in colourful shades, sequins around her eyes, a stripe of bloody red on her lips, dressed in overpriced brand name clothing and unrealistically high pair of silhouettes.
After all, this is the life she asked for, isn’t it?
--
Shim Changmin mistaken Im Yoona for the wind - she comes and goes as she wishes.
There’s a young girl standing out in the courtyard with her back against the brick wall, her brown hair flowing freely and messy strands covering her face from their view. Changmin sees her like the rest of them do - porcelain skin, doe eyed, cupid bow lips, the same she’s always been.
It’s Yoona - there’s no other explanation for such beauty.
But it’s not really her after all, just an indistinguishable replica of her.
--
The very next day, Yoona shares her first kiss with Donghae. It’s empty, sloppy, quick and everything she hasn't hope it to be.
Precisely three hours later, he breaks her non-existent heart with a post it note stuck to her locker door for the world to see (let’s break up, sorry - Donghae).
She marches into the dance studio, in tears from laughing as she throws her cigarette at his school blazer. It caught on flames like she had planned; he called her crazy and leaves her to reflect upon their break up.
Her non-existent heart doesn’t break, there’s only numbness.
--
The old Yoona is dead and gone with no chance for a resurrection
And takes a part of him to her grave.
--
Unexpectedly, Sooyoung is still just Sooyoung - she hasn’t taken Yoona’s place in ruling the wonderful land of SM.
She’s not wearing baggy t-shirt and unfashionable pants anymore. Sooyoung has grown into a woman and a very pretty one for the matter. She grew more than a few inches in the past few months and obtains a certain glow of maturity that catches eyes of older boys. Maybe, just maybe - she has surpasses Yoona’s beauty.
“I left for a reason, Sooyoung.” Yoona stated coldly when Sooyoung sits down next to her in the cafeteria. “I’m never turning back.”
“You’re not fine, Yoona.” she whispers softly, almost as if she’s afraid to say it out loud.
She laughs. Who is around here?
--
Junsu and Yunho make Changmin go to a godforsaken bar with them. People are drinking cheap beer and cursing drunkenly under their breath everywhere he passes.
Then he spots Yoona flirting with the bartender pouring her a shot of soju.
He turns and prepares to run.
Yunho smiled sympathetically as he says a simple ‘sorry’ before sprinting out of the bar and pulling Yoochun along with him before he could gloat. It’s typical of Junsu to do these ‘considerate’ things but he expected more from Yunho.
When Changmin sits down next to her at the bar, Yoona tilts her head ever so slightly to stare at him. “Drink”
Yoona pushes a glass of soju toward him. He stares at it. She stares at him.
“I figure you would come looking for me at some point.” She says bluntly, gulping down the throat-burning liquid in one, quick gulp. “How are you?”
“Alright” is all he can say. “You?”
Yoona grimaces. “Not so bad”
“I heard you’ve been wining quite a lot of awards”
“Enough to satisfy the company”
He watches as she trails her finger along the rim of the glass, “And the answer to your unspoken question - I’m not here anymore, Changmin so I suggest that if you don’t want to be disappointed like the rest, you’ll forget about me.”
“Don’t lie, Yoona. It doesn’t go with your brand of beauty.”
--
There is a party, after yet another pointless showcase with her as the front girl with a pretty smile.
Yoona doesn’t bother to socialize or make chit chats or an attempt to be polite to the try-hard, nosy girls that are on nine clouds with the fact that she was finally out of the picture. The night drifts off in a blur, leaving her with nothing but a bottle of scotch and a paper cup in hand. She wasn’t drunk (not yet, at least) but tipsy enough to let Park Yoochun says more than ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye’ to her and not walking away.
“So you’re bad now?” He smarms, voice low.
“So?” She asked in slight annoyance as she filled her cup with the amber liquid. “Let me guess, you resent it like all the others.”
He snickered, tugging the bottle out of her grasp and takes a gulp as he replies, “No - I like it, correction love it. You were boring as a goodie two shoes anyway but that's far from the point, isn't it? That poor kid just wants you in his life."
Yoona decides that tipsy is an understatement of the situation because a drunken night can be pleasant with Park Yoochun.
--
“Changmin”
She greeted casually without taking a glance at him, her foot resting on the ballet bar as she ties up the laces of her sneakers.
Yoona briefly pauses in front of the mirror before turning to his direction as she asks, “What can I do for you today?”
“This” He says with a sigh and throws her the piece offering.
She quirks an eye brow as she observes the object in suspicion. “Cigarette? Expensive too. Is that what you want me to do? Smoke?”
“The only way to have a decent conversation with you - so I’ve heard.”
“You must be kidding me,” She scoffs incredulously. “You can’t get me to play patient and therapist with a packet of pricey cigarettes.”
“Then tell what I can do to help you.” He’s begging now and it’s pathetic but the fear of her slipping by is getting the best of him.
“See that’s the thing,” She says with a scowl. “You only think I need help because you want to change me. How stupid of me to think for even a second that you would be different.”
“But this is not yo -“
“Then who am I - tell me.”
He never gives her an answer.
“Goodbye, Changmin.” She slams the door behind her, wonders if he’d come after her and quickens her steps, not pausing to let him.
--
The new girl is proud and cruel, her name’s Choi Jinri and she reminded Yoona of her old self, she hates her instantly.
The girl’s naïve, clumsy, too much flaws - weakness, that’s all she sees.
A few days later after Choi Jinri earned too much attention for her own good, Yoona set fire to her dresses before the performance and watching as it burned to ashes. She remembers seeing fat tears rolls down her porcelain cheeks and not caring.
Yoona also remembers sneaking out of the dressing room to find Shim Changmin with his judgy little eyes, judging away (monster, devil, bully, childish).
(He doesn’t tell and she owes him one for that.)
--
The first time Changmin realizes that a part of him will always care for her, he blames it on how utterly screwed up she is and how he potentially could be the one to put the pieces back together, only if she would let him.
He seeks her out because he’s tired of waiting for her to come to him.
“I’m not giving up on you,” he says more to himself than to her. “I wish I could let you do whatever you want to do with your life but I can’t watch you destroy yourself and I won’t, I refuse to.”
Excuses are ready to pour out of her mouth so Changmin doesn’t give her the time. "You asked me to give you an answer to the question of your identity. I can’t and no one can either, you’ve never been able to let go off the façade.”
“Whenever you’re ready, Yoona - you know where to find me.”
It would take him an eternity to forget the way she lets him walk away without a fight.
5TH
She thinks sometimes that she shouldn't already feel so empty.
--
It was a typical, lonesome, February night and Yoona ends up at his dorm and spends a long ten minutes debating whether or not to knock before deciding otherwise and look for the spare key under the flower pot.
She feels like a broken record. I don’t miss him I don’t miss him I don’t miss him, she whispers while she slips off her shoes and even while heading down the direction of the lounging area.
Yoona clears her throat when she spots him with a book in his hand (typical), oblivious to the world and in another world of fiction where everything could end so well. “I didn’t want to see any of your group members.”
His eyes widens for a fraction of a section when he sees her but nod in understanding, “Why are you here - Yoona?”
There’s no use tiptoeing around the topic, so she says it as it is, “Well, here's your honesty: I’m scared - no, scared is an underwhelming word for what I’m feeling - I’m terrified.”
“I’m terrified, that’s it” she repeats wryly, “It’s a horrible feeling, you know? Being terrified all the time, it feels like suffocating.”
He blinks in confusion.
But she barrels on, determines to get this all out.
"I’ve been hiding behind a façade for too long…” She trails off, her eyes flooded with unbearable sadness. "I don’t know who Im Yoona is - not how she talks, not what she wants or what she wishes. And that’s terrifying.”
Changmin looks at her with something close to love in his eyes, “It’s never too late - I would like to get to know her someday.”
His fingers laces through hers and for the first time in months, Yoona felt something other than fear.
--
Later that night, they’re sitting in his room soundlessly. He’s going through the script for some section on some show while she’s tuck under the comforter of his bed and listening to his new CD.
“How does it feel?” She says out of the blue, her eyes on the clear, morning sky. “To be famous, I mean.”
He shrugs. “It has its perks.”
“Does it make you happy?”
“Amusingly and superficially, yes. But deeply and importantly, no.”
“I want you to be happy” Yoona doesn’t look him in the eye but he hears the sincerity in her words. “Deeply and importantly, happy. You have a nice smile, I’d like it if I could see it more often.”
I would like that too, he smiles, reflecting hers,
--
Her new roommate locked her out, leaving her out in the pouring rain without a jacket or an umbrella. It’s an act of revenge for that time, Yoona dumped her clothes out when she was in a foul mood last month. Or maybe it’s just karmas, finally catching up to her.
Yoona doesn’t intend on going to Changmin’s dorm ever again after last week, but her feet takes her there somehow because that’s the only place she truly feels secure.
She knocks this time, silently praying he isn’t home.
But he is, he’s always there when she needs him to be.
"I'm sorry," she breathes, taking an unsteady step forward, coming so close to him that his breath catches in his throat. She doesn't know what she's apologizing for (for hurting him, for using him, for being so selfish), she only knows the apology will be needed in near future.
Then Yoona does something she isn’t entirely sure she even knew she was doing. She does something neither of them would ever forget.
She hugs him - wrapping her arms around his body, tightly and murmurs what sounds like another ‘I’m sorry’ into his navy blue jacket.
“I forgive you” He whispers, holding her so close she can barely breathe. “It’s okay, Yoona. I forgive you.”
A flicker of understanding passed between them, easy and simple.
--
“When are you going to tell her?” Yunho asked him during practice break, panting and sweating like a pig as they lay on the floor with their eyes on the dirty ceiling.
“About?”
He knows exactly what Yunho is talking about but he doesn't want to acknowledge it more than any of them does.
“Us - advancing to the Japanese market.”
Changmin swallows, hard. “Maybe…she doesn’t need to know."
But she does and she will, either way this all ends in separation.
--
She finds out from a group of ignorant girls with loud voices and big mouths. They have a good laugh over it, making bets about which way this will go, bad or worse, catastrophic or disastrous. All she hears is he’s leaving, he’s leaving, he’s leaving, he’s leaving.
It hurts, there’s no explanation to the pain but it just hurts.
“They’ll make it” She says louder than she realizes.
The four girls at the back of the room stop, their giggles ending and smiles fading. They’re confused as they shift their attention towards her. Yoona meets their gaze and feels as if she could snap their head off with one more word from any of them. It’s not just sadness but a combination of anger and betrayal burning inside of her.
She looks them square in the eyes now, her fists clenches so tight, her nails are digging into her palms and repeats herself, this time with more confidence, “They’ll make it”
“So if I were you, I wouldn’t say something I’d regret.”
And then, all her sanity is lost, when she runs out of the room and to nowhere. She screams, loud and long and furious. She screams and she thrashes, Yoona’s terrified once again, this time it’s all because of him.
--
Changmin comes banging at her door with an explanation (I was going to tell you, it didn’t seem like the right time, you weren’t yourself).
Yoona chooses to not feel.
(All she wants is to forget)
She gets a lighter and a cigarette instead.
--
The next time she sees him, it’s on the late news and she blindingly throws the remote control at the screen as soon as his name is mention.
She remembers him. He was (still is) the one who understood her, who was there when nobody was, who cared enough to put the pieces back together.
Yoona wishes she could hate him but she felt just the opposite.
--
When he returns, his first stop is at her door (his home).
He knocks, exactly five times before she opens up.
“You’re back” she breathes, looking the most vulnerable he has ever seen of her when she reaches out and touches him as if to make sure he’s not just an illusion.
He clenches his jaw. “I -“
“I’m not mad” she whisperes, and it hurt to say it, hurt to admit that she’s such a weakling when it comes to him. “I want to but I can’t, I forgave you a long time ago.”
He stares at her for a long, long moment, punctuated only by her heavy breathing. He stands completely still, gazing into her hopeful eyes and not knowing what to do or what to say to make this right. A part of him wants to walk away, it’s too real, too raw, too confronting.
Until now, it'd been fairly easy to convince himself that he could abolish his foolish attraction (even if it’s much more than that) towards her, if only he fights it hard enough. How much he wanted -
Her - selfish, spoiled, imperfect but ever so perfect, Im Yoona.
Changmin couldn't deny it anymore.
6TH
She knows she cannot fix the past, can’t change all the sins she had committed. But she owes him more than she could repay.
So she would try. She would try to be the better (worthy of him).
Yoona would try for him.
--
She doesn’t know how or when it happened but it just did, her head is on his chest, listening to his steady heart beat and her left hand is envelope in his right. It’s weirdly not uncomfortable but rather calming, she realizes she’s not as nervous or frightened as she was before.
But she stops just a step away and faces the other way.
“Can you…?” she trails off, shutting her eyes tightly, leaving her with only darkness. “Can you look for me?”
Yoona hears him murmurs his response softly, “Okay”
The silence stretches on, reaching and probing and breaking. They’re both holding their breath, waiting, hoping.
“You’re on the list”
“W -what?”
“Your name - it’s on the list” he repeats himself again, this time happiness and relieve rushing in his voice.
“Your name, it’s on there, on the list - you’re going to debut, Yoona.”
Then it all happens too fast, she’s choking then she’s laughing then she’s crying. And somewhere in this haze of confusion and shock, she manages to stumble forward and burrows into him whispering all her long unspoken gratitude to him.
She knows he only saw her.
And suddenly, he was all she could see, too.
--
When he realizes just how deeply he felt for her, they’re standing in front of her dead mother’s grave.
Yoona fall to her knees, carefully placing the bouquet of lilies next to the grave stones. Then she smiles, the most genuine smile that has ever enter upon her face. It’s true and it’s full of love, something they all think she’s incapable of but only how wrong they all are.
“Hi, mum” She says with a small chuckle. “I - I’m sorry for visiting earlier, my life have been kind of a roller coaster lately.”
He looks away, knowing full well that even if he takes just a harmless glance, he might do something they’ll both regret.
“But I’m lucky,” Yoona says quietly, wiping the stream of tears away with the back of her hand and replaces it with yet another smile. “You see this boy here? He’s nice enough to help someone as stubborn and cold a -and helpless as me.”
A strange sort of twinge settles in his heart when she blindly reaches for his hand.
She closes her eyes and nestles into the hold of his arms, “I’m okay - I’ll be okay now.”
She cried. She cried, and he just let her.
For the first time, he caught a glimpse of the real her - gentle, kind hearted, strong yet so fragile, the girl he would do anything for, Im Yoona.
--
Jung Jessica, Choi Sooyoung, Kim Taeyeon, Hwang Tiffany, Kim Hyoyeon, Kwon Yuri, Seo Joohyun and Im Yoona. It’s final, they’re bounded for eternity. She doesn’t like the word ‘forever’ but it’s true and it’s happening.
It’s a commitment that cannot be broken.
She no longer lives for only herself but for another eight.
--
Changmin makes little excuses to go see her. To share a meal or to talk or to join her in some reading marathon.
He notices the evident changes in her. Her mood is nothing but cheerful and a smile or a laugh can be seen more often. He concludes that she’s happy - deeply and importantly happy. It feels like before, back when they were friends (slightly more than friends) before his debut and every possible thing in her life goes wrong.
She returns to shining bright as a star and he goes back to chasing after her.
So he's in the shadows and she's in the light, but there's got to be some cross-pollination somewhere, right?
--
They take Taeyeon’s voice and Yoona’s face and create the ideal member of a girl group.
It is assured that her face will be the centre of every shoot while Taeyeon’s voice is being made sure that it is used to its fullest, this can clearly be proven by listening to the song in which contains her vocal ability in each and every second (back up or not).
Kim Taeyeon is a small girl with a dorky laugh and infectious smile. And while she’s not the ‘it’ girl, she knows quite the amount of people (the fact that she’s seeing Xiah Junsu of Dong Bang Shin Ki comes helpful at times).
Her most valued trait, in fact is her friendliness. But all that is lost when Yoona is concerned.
The girl snaps and glares and makes snide comments that break heart - frustration, not hatred.
Taeyeon doesn’t understand what Yoona’s doing here - taking up her time and spaces.
But the girl gets it easy - no, she didn’t have to fight tooth and nail to get here so Yoona makes it clear (I don’t care whether it pleases you all or not…) that she’s not planning on going anywhere soon.
(This is her final resort)
--
When Yoona comes to see him off at the airport, Changmin realizes that the pain might be unbearable because even now that she’s standing right in front of him, something his chest stings, knowing that he will have to get on the one-way plane that will take him far, far away from her.
"I'm here to tell you goodbye," she finally says thickly, unable to look at him or even move.
He grimaces, already throbbing at the prospect of leaving her all alone. “I know”
So she nods quickly, decisively, putting off the break as long as she possibly can.
“I’ll see you again soon.”
But he’s only telling lies because whatever they might have shared between them in the last months was finally being put to an end.
“Goodbye,” She repeats yet again, firm and final.
He nods imperceptibly. "This is goodbye."
She doesn't have time to say it back.
Because he strides away, his shoulders tense, the pain almost visibly rippling through his body. Changmin doesn't look back.
And then, there is only silence. Silence, and a sound that he thinks could only be the breaking of his own heart.
--
There are three lies that they tell themselves in order to survive on:
(i) They’re alright, they’re fine.
(ii) Shim Changmin didn’t love Im Yoona in any slightest way.
(iii) The right choice: saying good bye.
7TH
The next time they see each other - it goes all too quickly, they nod, they bow then they pass like what every good co-workers should do.
After all that’s all they were/are - co-workers and so they choose to tell themselves.
--
It was mid-April when he and his group members arrive back in Seoul to start recording for their third album.
And it’s because that Junsu wants to see Taeyeon, Jaejoong wants to see Jessica and Yunho and Tiffany have developed a friendship that is a little bit more than friendly. That she has to see him again, get to be in the same room and breathes the same air. Yoona doesn’t know how she feels when he looks at her direction, it’s not - normal; it’s something else like an electricity shock in her chest.
“It’s very kind of you to invite us over” She hears his voice behind and refuses the urge to turn around.
She bites her lips then resumes to pouring the juice in the cups, “Don’t thank me - I’m only doing what I think would make the rest of them happy. It would be selfish of me if I didn’t agree to having you come over.”
“Oh” it comes out in a whisper, sad and hopeless and resigned. “I’m sorry”
"For what?" She grits out, feeling inexplicably, uncontrollably vulnerable.
Yoona swivels her head to look at him, pleading for an answer, “I should have known you would feel this way about me.”
“I don’t feel anything for you, Changmin.”
It’s clear and it’s hurtful but it’s true.
“I hope you don’t mind taking out the rest of the drinks.”
She doesn’t dare to look at him because Yoona was sure, he looks utterly floored, and she can't take it.
When she finally makes it out of the room, her fingers fall to her chest. It's an unconscious, involuntary movement and it’s because she can’t breathe, it’s almost as if she’s suffocating.
(The lies are suffocating her).
It doesn't take her long to acknowledge the agony deep within her own heart.
--
It’s not after a month later that Yoona finds Changmin in the empty cafeteria in completely darkness, no lights are turned on and he’s sitting lifelessly on the lunch table with a can of ice coffee in his hand.
She clears her throat, and he slowly turns his head. "Yoona."
She tentatively takes a seat next to him, staring into the pitch black in front of them. A minute, five, ten, fifteen, she isn’t sure but he gets up, throws the can in the bin and walks off without a word of farewell.
“Where are you going?” She calls, standing up. “I said - where are you going?” She asks again, this time more firmly but he doesn’t stop nor reply.
Yoona doesn’t think she can go on without making this right. She ran after him, pulling him back by the wrist, her chest heaving up and down in frustration as she repeats her long unanswered question, “I said - where are you going?” His eyes are lifeless, she panics. “What’s wrong with you?”
He slaps her hands away like her touch is toxic but now he's looking at her with a sort of tenderness, and it hits her, how could she have not catch it before? “You’re mad at me…b -but why?”
“I’m not mad, Yoona.” he whispers hoarsely. “But I’m tired.”
And she thinks she knows what he’s talking about but she doesn’t want to hear any of it. “Tired of what?”
“You - pretending that you don’t know - like right now.” He says calmly, his eyes boring into hers. “Or maybe you just don’t care.”
"What are you talking about? Of course I care," she whispers, completely incapable of meeting his gaze.
“But you’ve known all this time that something has changed between us, didn’t you?” He demands, she takes an unintentional step backward, astonished by the anger in his voice. “You choose to ignore it, why is that?”
She shakes her head staunchly (what change? what us?), “There’s nothing - nothing for me to ignore, Changmin.”
He blinks. His eyes are full of the emotion she never wanted to put there - pain.
"Okay,” the word biting, harsh. “Okay”
Then he leaves and Yoona pretends none of this is as heartbreaking as it is.
--
When Changmin awakes the next day, he’s completely aware that his heart is broken for the very first time in his life. It’s nothing like sadness or disappointment like he had been told. But it being painful is a fact - it stings and your chest swells and at some point, the line between hate and love blurs into one.
Then it all stops, it’s gone in seconds and he’s left with nothing but only the things he feels for her - he loves Yoona - he loves her in that way only he could love: deep and abiding and painful and possibly forever.
Later when she leaves him a voice mail - asking him about his well-being and (per usual) pretends that the conversation last night did not exist. It hurts all over again.
Changmin should hate her, he wants to hate her but still he can’t.
(He thinks he might never be able to.)
--
Yoona tells herself she isn’t waiting for Changmin to come. There’s a chair in the front row with his name tag plastered on it. It’s been left unoccupied for the two hours and no one can tell her why he isn’t here or when (if ever) he will be here.
I can do this, I can do this, even if it’s with or without him - she tells herself over and over again in her head. The clock ticks away then there’s only five minutes before the curtain is pull open and the show starts, she comes to the realization that she’s never done anything without him before.
He’s always the one to pull her through, fix her up and make things right.
But not this time - not when she needs him most.
“Yoon -“
“He’s not here”
Tiffany is still holding the door open, her brows knitted together as she asks in confusion, “What?”
“Changmin - he is not here.” She gritted out, pacing back and forth in the small space of their make-up room.
“His chair, it’s empty. Where is he? Junsu, Jaejoong, Yunho and even that dickhead, Park Yoochun is out there!”
An apologetic smile graces her face and a bouquet of roses; Tiffany had been holding is given to her. “Here - two minutes left before the show starts.”
Another sympathetic look is send her way before the older girl turns to leave the room, shutting the door as softly as she possibly could as she goes.
She doesn’t know why but her hands are shaking as she reaches for the small envelop discreetly hidden behind the wrapper. Yoona wants to drop the bloody red flowers in the trash can and forget - it’s bringing her closer to the answer, one that she might not want, she feels it in her very core. But she couldn’t stop burning curiosity and before she could help herself, her fingers are peeling away the paper that she almost doesn’t realize she was really doing this this.
I hope you’ll be able to forgive me for not being able to make it the showcase. My cold is only getting worse and not better, that is my only excuse of not being able to attend tonight.
Shivers and goose bumps are still racing across her skin with fever, her ears filled with some kind of ringing noise but it’s not anger, not at all but only uneasiness.
But if you’re nervous or the slightest bit scared - there is no need to be. You don’t need me to be there to be able to do this and I don’t need to be there to know that you’ll be a star, just as you have always been. All that I can do for you now is wish you good luck and and it’s because that you’re you that you’ll shine brighter than the rest. You’re Im Yoona - there’s nothing ordinary about that.
- Changmin
Yoona realizes that somehow he’ll always be with her.
(Always, always him.)
--
Before the fever begins to take over, before his instincts reign supreme, when he is still lucid, he thinks of her because he is helpless to do anything else.
He thinks of how she must be celebrating at the after party party, all dressed up and pretty as she always is.
He remembers her smiles and the way she looks at him, the corner of her eyes crinkling up as she laughs at what the things he says. He feels her touches, the way she embraces him, her arms wrapping around his body securely and the way she holds his hands. And the rest didn’t seem to matter, all the pains she have caused him, how selfish she has been, how she’s been using his undying love for her.
None of that no longer matter, he forgives her and he thinks he forgives her a long time ago.
--
“It’s alright to let yourself love him, you know that, right?” is the first thing anyone says when they get back to their dorm.
Forbidden thoughts floats in the air as the nine of them shared a knowing look. Yoona froze, she couldn’t move, couldn’t run away this time and all there is left is the earth shattering silence.
“Go” Jessica commands as she nods at Tiffany’s direction. “You’ve done your part - you did the showcase, you stayed for the after party. Now - go”
Yoona can't find her voice; she has nothing to say. She's never tried to make it work between the two of them because she's not brave enough. And she has no excuse for that.
She goes to him like she always does.
--
Changmin doesn’t question when he opens his eyes to a sleeping Im Yoona in the chair besides his bed.
He wants to hear her voice, wants to touch her, make sure she's real - here with him. But he doesn’t, he only admires her sleeping form then closes his eyes, burrows deeper, and dream of her.
This feels right.
(This is right)
--
When Yoona wakes up and the clock on the night stand is glaring at her with a big, red 6:00 AM, she is completely aware of where she is and who she's with.
He’s staring back at her, and she can tell he's breathing her in.
“How are you feeling?” He croaks, coughing vigorously in between his words.
Yoona couldn’t help but laugh - what a funny thing for a sick person to ask? Then she catches his onyx black eyes, following her every move and the laughter dies down, slowly going back to the intensified silent from the previous night.
“H - how are you?” She asks gently, her eyes fluttering nervously. “Your fever has gone down now, I took car -“
“I love you, Yoona.”
Then all her worries for his condition is completely forgotten, down the drain and forever gone. All she wants is to scream at him, wants to be angry. She wants to counter that clearly he should give up, she won’t give in and they’ll just be running in circles. But her mind is lost.
She lets out a shaky breath, trembling. “Wh -“
But he doesn't let her speak.
“I never wanted to - I know what this will lead to and how this will end but I need you to hear it just once - I love you, Yoona - no matter how much I fight it, no matter how much I try to hate you - I can’t - what I feel for you, it will never fade.” His confession is slow and painful, making sure that she knows that he means each and every word.
It sounds all too familiar and she think it’s because she has always known, she doesn’t need to hear him say it to know how much he cares, how much he loves her. And it’s tearing her heart to shred because she can’t love him, she won’t.
She stares at him, her expression blank and tense. “Forever is a long time, Changmin.”
He shakes his head fervently. “I need you to be honest with yourself and to me, just this once - what is it that you feel for me?”
But she doesn’t know the answer to his question. She doesn’t know what she feels for him, if it’s love or if it’s something close to love - she doesn’t know. Yoona’s scared of what this might mean - the possibilities of what they could be. She will hurt him, and she cannot bear the thought of breaking him further.
“The truth is, Changmin - I don't know how I feel about you. I've never known.” She says gently, her voice firm and calm, full of all the things she cannot say.
Then she recognizes the look in his eyes - it’s everything she’s been hiding away from. His mouth gapes open and Yoona knows what’s coming next. She already knows what he has to say about her and him - about them, it’s going to be full of hope and taking chances.
And the realization hits her like a ton of bricks, hard and life threatening and ever so important:
Changmin loves her - really loves her, It’s the truth, deep from his heart and not from his mind. And it’s something more promising than a mere attraction - it’s passionate and powerful and something like eternity.
“Please” she chokes out, knocking the chair over. “Please stop”
She does the only thing she ever knows how to, she runs away.
--
Weeks fly by and she’s scared (again) - Yoona doesn’t know what she wants or what she feels or where she belongs (whom she belongs to) or if what she feels is real.
Time will fix everything - she will forget, he will heal and they will be alright.
Instead, nothing is.
--
There is only a short, one hour left before she will make her debut performance, before she becomes his kind - a celebrity amongst hundreds of others, walking down the same damned path.
He thinks bitterly that if he had it his way, she would never get her chance at fame - selfish but he knows he would not be able to watch her crumbles (once again). It would destroy him more than it destroys her.
But Changmin doesn’t have it his way. In fact, it's been a long time since he got his way when it comes to Yoona. And now, they are broken and the possibility of recovering is close to nothing.
They are nothing now.
It’s not until when the five minutes count down mark enters that his cell phone vibrates against the leather seat of the seat of the cramp van that the weight in his chest is lifted.
Thank you - for everything. This is the least I can do after all you’ve done for me
-Yoona
A part of him understands how genuinely, distorted but so delicate their relationship really is.
--
They see each other once at the news year eve’s party.
He catches her eyes in the crowd and they share a moment, a small smile, something that no one can take away from them.
7TH
It takes her five months to comprehend the things she feels for him. It takes her six months before the fear goes way and there is only an acceptance. It takes her nine months to finally see clearly that there is something between them - a connection that always pull her back to him.
When she sees him again for the first time in nine months, it takes only a second for Yoona to know - she loves him.
Of course, she loves him - she’s been fighting it for the longest time. But how could she not? He’s Shim Changmin, the very thought of him seems to brighten her - he’s gentle and caring and is the only one that never gives up on her even in her darkest time. She loves him, it’s wonderful and painless and everything she has ever wishes for.
“I love you”
Then everything stops - there is only him, standing at the end of the hall with his bag drops to the floor. She feels the urge to laugh when he turns and stares at her blankly, disbelieve and confusion floods to his face.
“I was wrong, I’m sorry.” She says, a warm feeling spreading in her chest when she crosses the room and covers his hands with her. “I did know, I do know how I feel about you - I was just too scared to admit it, I couldn’t even admit it to myself.”
His expression is unreadable and she starts to worry if she has hurt him. “Then what does that make us?”
She could run away from this conversation and they can forget that this happened. But she won’t because she knows it’s only a matter of time before she returns to him, Yoona’s in too deep and she can’t get out, she thinks she doesn’t want to neither.
Loving him - it has never been an option.
“It makes you and I - us - Im Yoona and Shim Changmin.” Just as they’ve always been.
EPILOGUE
Im Yoona does not become a princess and Shim Changmin does not become her prince - it’s simple as that.
They don’t become lovers nor do they become friends. But somewhere and sometime when everyone is too busy in their own little world to notice, his eyes will be on hers and her lips will curve into a smile that says everything he doesn’t hear. Then they eventually learn to settle with the fact - a piece of their heart is loss to one another, forever.
Their story has its ups and downs, it’s neither a blissful nor a sorrowful one - just only in between.
THE DOWNS : THE DAMNED
i. paradise when she was just a girl, she expected the world
ii. clean when you pretend its never there, what do you answer for?
iii. everytime everytime you walk away or run away, you take a piece of me there.
iv. pretty down to your bones i will kiss and kiss and kiss your skin, beg for you to let me in.
v. fake plastic trees she looks like the real thing, she tastes like the real thing. my fake plastic love.
vi. two left feet the more I love you, the more you stray, the more I leave you, the more you come for me.
vii. kiss quick shut your mouth, pull me out, before this all goes grey.
viii. sparks my heart is yours.it's you that I hold on to.that's what I'll do.
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8 songs/ 47.056 MB / mediafire