Fic: If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It (10/?)
Title: If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It
Author:
claire_kay
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Adam/Kris
Summary: It really was a mistake. It really was a mistake. Adam isn't fooling anyone.
Notes: Oh hi there :) I'd like to apologise for no updates over the last couple of days. Crazy busy weekend and just crappy family news and it just all got a tad crazy. Anywhoo, this is of course angsty and hopefully sort of hopeful and well yeah just trying to set up for the next part and stuff. I hope you all enjoy and thank you again for the last lot of comments, you guys make me so happy when I read them all and I am just guh. Oh yeah I sorta hope this shows how Adam feels about things in general rather than just relating to Kris, I felt like there were some things I needed to explain and before I think the comments may have just been in passing but hopefully you'll get what I mean. Right yeah lol, enjoy xx eeps. nervous. x
Disclaimer: Nope they ain't mine.Adam Lambert and Kris Allen belong to each other no-one but themselves. yadayada
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five
Part Six
Part Seven
Part Eight
Part Nine
If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It
Chapter Ten: It Means Nothing
The room was dark except for the small flicker of light filtering into the room casting shadows across the bed he and Kris lay in. Adam could feel Kris' arms tightly wrapped around him gripping on as if his life depended on it. His hands were moving instinctively across Kris body fingers tracing against his waist and across his chest, searching out any bare flesh he could find. His hands weren't desperate or eager, just curious to mark his skin invisibly so he could at least have the memory of touching him like this.
He could feel Kris moving beneath him and suddenly he felt compelled to pin Kris down and make him unable to move. He didn't want the morning to come and his own realisation to become reality he wanted to hold onto the dream for longer. Kris hands were moving now, travelling lower and lower down Adam' back working their way under the fabric of his shirt. He heard Kris let out what sounded like a low moan as his warm fingers touched his skin and Adam felt like he could have lived off that moment forever if it wasn't for the darkness glooming over him.
Adam breathed in deeply when he felt Kris' hands move under the denim of his jeans and he wanted to scream and pull away because he wanted to do the right thing for Kris and Katy and it was all so wrong... no matter how much every thing about it felt so right. He indulged Kris and let his hands wander lower exploring more of Adam' skin and despite his own protests Adam couldn't have stopped Kris if he tried. They were both suddenly wide awake and it felt like they were more aware of one another than they had ever been.
Adam pulled back to rise his body up to look down at Kris his dark eyes staring back at him and he didn't need to say a word to understand exactly what Kris wanted, what his eyes were telling Adam he needed. And god did Adam need it too more than anything else he wanted Kris, he wanted to forget everything that had happened last night and everything after how the obvious action he needed to take replayed in his thoughts until it was the only thing that made perfect sense.
He wanted it all to be false and it was so easy like this pressed hard against Kris skin on skin to forget everything. Kris hands seemed to know exactly where to touch Adam to make him lose all concentration to completely tangle his focus and even when Kris stopped his movements to grip them closer Adam tried to use those moments as focus but then Kris' hands were back with sparks on the end of his fingertips giving Adam everything that he ever wanted from Kris, touches that sent him reeling and literally begging Kris to never stop. And Kris seemed happy to oblige, turning them over and pushing Adam into the mattress their bodies entangling and merging so they seemed to form one body.
Then Kris' lips were on his again soft and gentle urging Adam on, the tip of his tongue working along Adam' bottom lip demanding entrance and there really was no use in resisting now because he had already let Kris get this far and he wasn't strong enough to deny Kris anything and he wasn't strong enough to push Kris away not when he wanted this so badly. It literally hurt, the thought of having to push Kris away from him and walk away. How the hell was he supposed to do that? How could doing the right thing cause him so much pain?
He wanted Kris for himself but for Kris he wanted so much more, there was a dominant divide between the two people in this room and the Adam from the past would have just taken what he wanted, what was being offered to him so willingly. But he wasn't that person and he hadn't been for the longest time and for all the people he had been with no one had ever sent him this crazy. Lips were moving across his jaw and down his neck like they had been their a hundred times before, almost as if they had found their rightful place in the world and he was positive that there was nothing that would make his feelings fade.
Everything about Kris was different too, the same face and kind warm eyes as before but now clouded over with a dark want a confidence in what he was doing working his body against Adam' like it was the most blissful thing he had ever experienced. He wasn't sure when both their shirts had been discarded on the floor but he felt like the turn around from his mood before was too great. Was he really going to take Kris this far and then walk away. Perhaps there only need be one casualty and no one else would have to suffer if Adam could find a strong dose of courage.
“Kris...”His voice should have come out as a protest but instead it shifted to a longing moan as Kris traced his tongue across Adam' stomach and that was when Adam' hands found Kris shoulders and were pushing him away.
“Kris...stop.”
Kris tried to struggle against Adam' grip desperate to close the distance between them once more but Adam only held on tighter. Adam could see the growing frustration on Kris' expression and how it shifted to one of pleading he could see so much longing in Kris' eyes and really had no idea how he could stop when everything was telling him to beg Kris to never stop.
Kris' eyes were wide his mouth open and panting slightly and he bit his bottom lip before placing a satisfied grin on his face, he was reading Adam' body language and judging his expression and he could feel his victory coming. Kris was moving up Adam' body pressing them together closely until they were face to face.
“Please Adam... just give me what I want. What we both want.”
Adam couldn't look at him he couldn't look Kris in the eye and deny everything that he wanted when they both blatantly knew the truth. He turned away so he could breath deny the fact that Kris was speaking the truth the moment of staring at the wall gave him some clarity and then Kris was pressing against him grinding their bodies together and in that brief moment his clarity was gone.
“Don't turn away from me Adam. Why are you pushing me away?”
Adam breathed in and turned back to look at Kris, his expression troubled and he could see that Kris was giving up growing angry with Adam' rejection and it hurt Adam to think he had made Kris feel this way. He had no idea where he was going to find the strength to do any of this. Kris was moving away and Adam held him in place locking their eyes once again.
“That's not it...” Adam breathed the words out and Kris settled again leaning forward and running fingers through Adam' hair brushing it off his face. Adam closed his eyes and again Kris touch was enough to leave him trembling.
“Then what is it? Please talk to me.”
“How do you think that felt for me last night Kris?”
Adam turned to look at Kris both their eyes suddenly wide and the softness of the moment previously had now been broken with Adam' harsh words. Kris seemed guilty and his eyes seemed to want to look anywhere but back at Adam' and he could feel it all. Kris' mind was working through every moment an onlooker but still there and wondering how Adam must be feeling, trying to figure out what it must have been like for him.
“I'm sorry that Katy...”
“Don't apologise for Katy. I don't blame her for acting like that if I was in her position I'd probably have done exactly the same thing. She doesn't deserve any of this.”
Kris face changed into one of pain and Adam felt bad for being the one inflicting it and then the thought of what he would have to do made him feel even worse.
“I tried to explain to her that this wasn't your fault. That it isn't your fault. Why are you so eager to blame yourself for this Adam?”
“I have to take some responsibility for this Kris.”
Kris was angry fists hit the mattress either side of Adam' body and he was up off the bed pacing at the end, his fingers running through his hair.
“Adam...” He stopped and turned to look at Adam he was trying to find the right words Adam could see that much and if it hadn't been for the seriousness of the situation then Adam might have found it quite adorable but then Kris was pacing again with anger fuelling him. “This is not your fault. You think I woke up one day after spending time with you and had these feelings for you. They came from me Adam not from anything you did to me.” He stopped again glaring down at Adam and his expression was furious.
“Because that's what she thinks you know. That you made me this way. Because I spent too much time with you and I had your influence. She thinks I just need to get away from you and it's going to magically cure me or something that all I need to do is go home.” Kris' voice was almost hiding some kind of humour at the words he was speaking and Adam knew it was all ludicrous that Kris was right for thinking it was all stupid but Adam couldn't help but see why Katy would think that.
“Maybe in a way she's right...”
“Adam, please. What you think you turned me gay?” Kris was laughing now and Adam wasn't. He was furious that he couldn't even see why Katy would see it that way.
“Of course I don't fucking think that you know me better than that. But for one second you put yourself in Katy' position and you look at the two of us together what the hell do you think people see?”
“Since when have you ever cared what people think?”
“I'm talking about people that are here. Our friends and family and people that care about us. I don't want to be the person causing them any pain and I didn't think that you did either but you can't even look at this from Katy' perspective and see that she might be trying to find some reason to justify this that doesn't make it her fault. Because that's what she'll be doing Kris do you understand that? She'll blame herself and the person that should be making sure she never does is you. You shouldn't care if she blames me, let her blame me it's what I deserve.”
“You didn't do anything wrong, you can't help the way you feel...”
“I could have tried. I could spent less time with you I knew I was falling and I let myself get closer because I was selfish and I wanted you and I wanted you to want me and all this time I knew it was there I was just so blind and now looking back its so obvious and I think about how it must have felt to be her. It was killing me to watch you with someone else but to actually watch the person you love fall in love with someone else before your eyes... I should have stopped this a long time ago.”
Kris had continued his pacing and abruptly stopped in front of the bed. “Is that what you are doing now? Stopping this?”
Adam didn't speak, he turned away from Kris eyes the were staring down at him demanding answers and Adam couldn't do this he was literally wanting to take back every damn word he had just said and rewind back to the moment of Kris pressed against him.
“Damn it Adam is that what you're doing?” He voice was loud and it echoed through the silence and Adam had never seen Kris like this before and he hated it and he hated that he was causing such a reaction.
“I just don't want anyone else to get hurt.”
“It's too late for that. Adam I don't understand you. I've defended you and stood by you and I am literally giving up everything that I thought I wanted because I feel this strongly about what we have. Are you punishing me for something? Is it because of how I reacted... when you kissed me... I thought we were okay. I thought that we were passed that...”
Kris' voice was quieter now and he knew Kris would do this that they would forever spin round in a cycle of blame and it was nothing and everything Kris had done and Adam was beginning to see that there were some situations where blame was pointless because there were too many people and situations to point fingers at. He pushed himself up and knelt forward, he had hold of Kris quickly warm fingers at his bare waist holding him still.
“That's not... it has nothing to do with that. I don't want you to regret me.”
Kris' hands were moving now finding Adam' face and locking their eyes. “I've already told you this.”
Adam nodded against Kris hold. “I know that. But... I heard you and Danny talking in here...”
Kris hands were gone and he was across the room pacing again, anger flaring up once more.
“Danny? Fucking Danny Gokey needs to stay the fuck out of this. Why is every time you talk about him I end up being the bad guy and he ends up being some kind of Saint.”
“I don't think that.”
“Then why do I feel like you do?”
Adam slumped down on the bed back against his heels and he wanted all of this to stop, there was too much pain in a few days for him to handle and he felt like he was crumbling apart under it all. He just wanted it to be over, he wanted to have enough strength to tell Kris to just pick Katy and leave him alone. He had managed without Kris in his life before and he could just go back, even if it perhaps always felt like a small piece of him would be missing he'd find some way to cope he didn't want to be the reason for everyone being so broken.
“Adam you know how I feel about you. Do you want me to walk out of here and shout it to everyone is that what you need? What is it that you need for me to do to believe that I love you.”
Adam didn't have any answers, he tried to search for a reason that would make someone like Kris love him and there was nothing he was flawed and complicated and too much and Kris was taking on board more than he even understood and he was sure that when Kris could see all the imperfect things about Adam he wouldn't stick around so he'd let him leave now still intact and still able to rebuild something that wasn't completely broken unlike Adam who was beyond repair.
“I can literally see everything that you are thinking. Why don't you think you deserve this? I don't think this is even about me is it? You don't want me to leave I know that you don't and I can't figure out why you are so intent on pushing me away.”
He could see so much concern radiating from Kris and he was edging closer and Adam wanted to yell at him to keep back and stay away but Kris seemed so determined he was fairly sure nothing would stop him.
“You've never said you love me back you know that?”
Kris was so close to him now his arms stretched out and grabbing hold of Adam' arms and Adam did know that. The words had been on the tip of his tongue for the longest time now nearly every time he saw Kris they had threatened to fall from his mouth announcing it to anyone who wanted to know but every time he was there and it was the right time words failed him and he was hiding away covering the feelings up with a joke or confrontation or a million reasons why this was wrong.
But he had nothing, Kris was here wanting him and loving him giving up everything for him and Adam had nothing. There was nothing holding him back from loving Kris, from saying those words and still he wouldn't let himself feel it. The fear still gripped him the broken hearts from various others still lingering and leaving a mark the people he had let in previously all scaring deeply and not letting him forget.
Kris was pulling him closer and he could feel the two of them shaking and he didn't realise that it was coming from him and he seemed to still in the firm grip of Kris hold, he suddenly felt so small in Kris' arms. He hated the way that Kris could see through everything as well, how he could sense what each facial expression meant, each shift of his body represented. Too much time spent locked away together talking and revealing dark secrets meant that Kris had seen and knew so much more than anyone else.
“I'm not the others Adam. I won't hurt you, but you have to trust me.”
“I do trust you. More than anyone else.”
Kris if it was even possible was holding him closer and pushing Adam back down on the bed climbing over him to lay by his side, half of his body was draped across Adam' and their eyes locked and Kris was touching his face. “You have to stop pushing me away. I can't take it any more Adam. I know it's not easy for you but instead of trying to fight against it we have to be together I can't get through this without you.”
Adam knew this was the moment he knew he could have stood up and told Kris that this would be the last time he'd walk away because he would never be back and the right thing for him to do was to go back to Katy and make things right and work hard for everything they had. He could have used the excuse that one the only one he had left as the reason he ran away from this like he had countless other times before. But this was different, this was Kris and there had never been anything like this before and the thought of walking away seemed more devastating than anything else before and his excuses held no validity because if Kris wanted his choice to be Katy he wouldn't be here with Adam now.
No matter how much Adam couldn't understand it or believe that it was true he could see that Kris loved him and all he had to do was love Kris back and that was the easiest thing in the world for him to do because he had doing just that since nearly the first time they spoke and yet he could still feel a part of himself holding back desperate to push away but he didn't want to let go of Kris the urgency and dependency of Kris company and love had grown too strong for him now and the one thing he knew was that he really was to selfish to sacrifice it.
.
Author:
claire_kay
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Adam/Kris
Summary: It really was a mistake. It really was a mistake. Adam isn't fooling anyone.
Notes: Oh hi there :) I'd like to apologise for no updates over the last couple of days. Crazy busy weekend and just crappy family news and it just all got a tad crazy. Anywhoo, this is of course angsty and hopefully sort of hopeful and well yeah just trying to set up for the next part and stuff. I hope you all enjoy and thank you again for the last lot of comments, you guys make me so happy when I read them all and I am just guh. Oh yeah I sorta hope this shows how Adam feels about things in general rather than just relating to Kris, I felt like there were some things I needed to explain and before I think the comments may have just been in passing but hopefully you'll get what I mean. Right yeah lol, enjoy xx eeps. nervous. x
Disclaimer: Nope they ain't mine.Adam Lambert and Kris Allen belong to each other no-one but themselves. yadayada
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five
Part Six
Part Seven
Part Eight
Part Nine
If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It
Chapter Ten: It Means Nothing
The room was dark except for the small flicker of light filtering into the room casting shadows across the bed he and Kris lay in. Adam could feel Kris' arms tightly wrapped around him gripping on as if his life depended on it. His hands were moving instinctively across Kris body fingers tracing against his waist and across his chest, searching out any bare flesh he could find. His hands weren't desperate or eager, just curious to mark his skin invisibly so he could at least have the memory of touching him like this.
He could feel Kris moving beneath him and suddenly he felt compelled to pin Kris down and make him unable to move. He didn't want the morning to come and his own realisation to become reality he wanted to hold onto the dream for longer. Kris hands were moving now, travelling lower and lower down Adam' back working their way under the fabric of his shirt. He heard Kris let out what sounded like a low moan as his warm fingers touched his skin and Adam felt like he could have lived off that moment forever if it wasn't for the darkness glooming over him.
Adam breathed in deeply when he felt Kris' hands move under the denim of his jeans and he wanted to scream and pull away because he wanted to do the right thing for Kris and Katy and it was all so wrong... no matter how much every thing about it felt so right. He indulged Kris and let his hands wander lower exploring more of Adam' skin and despite his own protests Adam couldn't have stopped Kris if he tried. They were both suddenly wide awake and it felt like they were more aware of one another than they had ever been.
Adam pulled back to rise his body up to look down at Kris his dark eyes staring back at him and he didn't need to say a word to understand exactly what Kris wanted, what his eyes were telling Adam he needed. And god did Adam need it too more than anything else he wanted Kris, he wanted to forget everything that had happened last night and everything after how the obvious action he needed to take replayed in his thoughts until it was the only thing that made perfect sense.
He wanted it all to be false and it was so easy like this pressed hard against Kris skin on skin to forget everything. Kris hands seemed to know exactly where to touch Adam to make him lose all concentration to completely tangle his focus and even when Kris stopped his movements to grip them closer Adam tried to use those moments as focus but then Kris' hands were back with sparks on the end of his fingertips giving Adam everything that he ever wanted from Kris, touches that sent him reeling and literally begging Kris to never stop. And Kris seemed happy to oblige, turning them over and pushing Adam into the mattress their bodies entangling and merging so they seemed to form one body.
Then Kris' lips were on his again soft and gentle urging Adam on, the tip of his tongue working along Adam' bottom lip demanding entrance and there really was no use in resisting now because he had already let Kris get this far and he wasn't strong enough to deny Kris anything and he wasn't strong enough to push Kris away not when he wanted this so badly. It literally hurt, the thought of having to push Kris away from him and walk away. How the hell was he supposed to do that? How could doing the right thing cause him so much pain?
He wanted Kris for himself but for Kris he wanted so much more, there was a dominant divide between the two people in this room and the Adam from the past would have just taken what he wanted, what was being offered to him so willingly. But he wasn't that person and he hadn't been for the longest time and for all the people he had been with no one had ever sent him this crazy. Lips were moving across his jaw and down his neck like they had been their a hundred times before, almost as if they had found their rightful place in the world and he was positive that there was nothing that would make his feelings fade.
Everything about Kris was different too, the same face and kind warm eyes as before but now clouded over with a dark want a confidence in what he was doing working his body against Adam' like it was the most blissful thing he had ever experienced. He wasn't sure when both their shirts had been discarded on the floor but he felt like the turn around from his mood before was too great. Was he really going to take Kris this far and then walk away. Perhaps there only need be one casualty and no one else would have to suffer if Adam could find a strong dose of courage.
“Kris...”His voice should have come out as a protest but instead it shifted to a longing moan as Kris traced his tongue across Adam' stomach and that was when Adam' hands found Kris shoulders and were pushing him away.
“Kris...stop.”
Kris tried to struggle against Adam' grip desperate to close the distance between them once more but Adam only held on tighter. Adam could see the growing frustration on Kris' expression and how it shifted to one of pleading he could see so much longing in Kris' eyes and really had no idea how he could stop when everything was telling him to beg Kris to never stop.
Kris' eyes were wide his mouth open and panting slightly and he bit his bottom lip before placing a satisfied grin on his face, he was reading Adam' body language and judging his expression and he could feel his victory coming. Kris was moving up Adam' body pressing them together closely until they were face to face.
“Please Adam... just give me what I want. What we both want.”
Adam couldn't look at him he couldn't look Kris in the eye and deny everything that he wanted when they both blatantly knew the truth. He turned away so he could breath deny the fact that Kris was speaking the truth the moment of staring at the wall gave him some clarity and then Kris was pressing against him grinding their bodies together and in that brief moment his clarity was gone.
“Don't turn away from me Adam. Why are you pushing me away?”
Adam breathed in and turned back to look at Kris, his expression troubled and he could see that Kris was giving up growing angry with Adam' rejection and it hurt Adam to think he had made Kris feel this way. He had no idea where he was going to find the strength to do any of this. Kris was moving away and Adam held him in place locking their eyes once again.
“That's not it...” Adam breathed the words out and Kris settled again leaning forward and running fingers through Adam' hair brushing it off his face. Adam closed his eyes and again Kris touch was enough to leave him trembling.
“Then what is it? Please talk to me.”
“How do you think that felt for me last night Kris?”
Adam turned to look at Kris both their eyes suddenly wide and the softness of the moment previously had now been broken with Adam' harsh words. Kris seemed guilty and his eyes seemed to want to look anywhere but back at Adam' and he could feel it all. Kris' mind was working through every moment an onlooker but still there and wondering how Adam must be feeling, trying to figure out what it must have been like for him.
“I'm sorry that Katy...”
“Don't apologise for Katy. I don't blame her for acting like that if I was in her position I'd probably have done exactly the same thing. She doesn't deserve any of this.”
Kris face changed into one of pain and Adam felt bad for being the one inflicting it and then the thought of what he would have to do made him feel even worse.
“I tried to explain to her that this wasn't your fault. That it isn't your fault. Why are you so eager to blame yourself for this Adam?”
“I have to take some responsibility for this Kris.”
Kris was angry fists hit the mattress either side of Adam' body and he was up off the bed pacing at the end, his fingers running through his hair.
“Adam...” He stopped and turned to look at Adam he was trying to find the right words Adam could see that much and if it hadn't been for the seriousness of the situation then Adam might have found it quite adorable but then Kris was pacing again with anger fuelling him. “This is not your fault. You think I woke up one day after spending time with you and had these feelings for you. They came from me Adam not from anything you did to me.” He stopped again glaring down at Adam and his expression was furious.
“Because that's what she thinks you know. That you made me this way. Because I spent too much time with you and I had your influence. She thinks I just need to get away from you and it's going to magically cure me or something that all I need to do is go home.” Kris' voice was almost hiding some kind of humour at the words he was speaking and Adam knew it was all ludicrous that Kris was right for thinking it was all stupid but Adam couldn't help but see why Katy would think that.
“Maybe in a way she's right...”
“Adam, please. What you think you turned me gay?” Kris was laughing now and Adam wasn't. He was furious that he couldn't even see why Katy would see it that way.
“Of course I don't fucking think that you know me better than that. But for one second you put yourself in Katy' position and you look at the two of us together what the hell do you think people see?”
“Since when have you ever cared what people think?”
“I'm talking about people that are here. Our friends and family and people that care about us. I don't want to be the person causing them any pain and I didn't think that you did either but you can't even look at this from Katy' perspective and see that she might be trying to find some reason to justify this that doesn't make it her fault. Because that's what she'll be doing Kris do you understand that? She'll blame herself and the person that should be making sure she never does is you. You shouldn't care if she blames me, let her blame me it's what I deserve.”
“You didn't do anything wrong, you can't help the way you feel...”
“I could have tried. I could spent less time with you I knew I was falling and I let myself get closer because I was selfish and I wanted you and I wanted you to want me and all this time I knew it was there I was just so blind and now looking back its so obvious and I think about how it must have felt to be her. It was killing me to watch you with someone else but to actually watch the person you love fall in love with someone else before your eyes... I should have stopped this a long time ago.”
Kris had continued his pacing and abruptly stopped in front of the bed. “Is that what you are doing now? Stopping this?”
Adam didn't speak, he turned away from Kris eyes the were staring down at him demanding answers and Adam couldn't do this he was literally wanting to take back every damn word he had just said and rewind back to the moment of Kris pressed against him.
“Damn it Adam is that what you're doing?” He voice was loud and it echoed through the silence and Adam had never seen Kris like this before and he hated it and he hated that he was causing such a reaction.
“I just don't want anyone else to get hurt.”
“It's too late for that. Adam I don't understand you. I've defended you and stood by you and I am literally giving up everything that I thought I wanted because I feel this strongly about what we have. Are you punishing me for something? Is it because of how I reacted... when you kissed me... I thought we were okay. I thought that we were passed that...”
Kris' voice was quieter now and he knew Kris would do this that they would forever spin round in a cycle of blame and it was nothing and everything Kris had done and Adam was beginning to see that there were some situations where blame was pointless because there were too many people and situations to point fingers at. He pushed himself up and knelt forward, he had hold of Kris quickly warm fingers at his bare waist holding him still.
“That's not... it has nothing to do with that. I don't want you to regret me.”
Kris' hands were moving now finding Adam' face and locking their eyes. “I've already told you this.”
Adam nodded against Kris hold. “I know that. But... I heard you and Danny talking in here...”
Kris hands were gone and he was across the room pacing again, anger flaring up once more.
“Danny? Fucking Danny Gokey needs to stay the fuck out of this. Why is every time you talk about him I end up being the bad guy and he ends up being some kind of Saint.”
“I don't think that.”
“Then why do I feel like you do?”
Adam slumped down on the bed back against his heels and he wanted all of this to stop, there was too much pain in a few days for him to handle and he felt like he was crumbling apart under it all. He just wanted it to be over, he wanted to have enough strength to tell Kris to just pick Katy and leave him alone. He had managed without Kris in his life before and he could just go back, even if it perhaps always felt like a small piece of him would be missing he'd find some way to cope he didn't want to be the reason for everyone being so broken.
“Adam you know how I feel about you. Do you want me to walk out of here and shout it to everyone is that what you need? What is it that you need for me to do to believe that I love you.”
Adam didn't have any answers, he tried to search for a reason that would make someone like Kris love him and there was nothing he was flawed and complicated and too much and Kris was taking on board more than he even understood and he was sure that when Kris could see all the imperfect things about Adam he wouldn't stick around so he'd let him leave now still intact and still able to rebuild something that wasn't completely broken unlike Adam who was beyond repair.
“I can literally see everything that you are thinking. Why don't you think you deserve this? I don't think this is even about me is it? You don't want me to leave I know that you don't and I can't figure out why you are so intent on pushing me away.”
He could see so much concern radiating from Kris and he was edging closer and Adam wanted to yell at him to keep back and stay away but Kris seemed so determined he was fairly sure nothing would stop him.
“You've never said you love me back you know that?”
Kris was so close to him now his arms stretched out and grabbing hold of Adam' arms and Adam did know that. The words had been on the tip of his tongue for the longest time now nearly every time he saw Kris they had threatened to fall from his mouth announcing it to anyone who wanted to know but every time he was there and it was the right time words failed him and he was hiding away covering the feelings up with a joke or confrontation or a million reasons why this was wrong.
But he had nothing, Kris was here wanting him and loving him giving up everything for him and Adam had nothing. There was nothing holding him back from loving Kris, from saying those words and still he wouldn't let himself feel it. The fear still gripped him the broken hearts from various others still lingering and leaving a mark the people he had let in previously all scaring deeply and not letting him forget.
Kris was pulling him closer and he could feel the two of them shaking and he didn't realise that it was coming from him and he seemed to still in the firm grip of Kris hold, he suddenly felt so small in Kris' arms. He hated the way that Kris could see through everything as well, how he could sense what each facial expression meant, each shift of his body represented. Too much time spent locked away together talking and revealing dark secrets meant that Kris had seen and knew so much more than anyone else.
“I'm not the others Adam. I won't hurt you, but you have to trust me.”
“I do trust you. More than anyone else.”
Kris if it was even possible was holding him closer and pushing Adam back down on the bed climbing over him to lay by his side, half of his body was draped across Adam' and their eyes locked and Kris was touching his face. “You have to stop pushing me away. I can't take it any more Adam. I know it's not easy for you but instead of trying to fight against it we have to be together I can't get through this without you.”
Adam knew this was the moment he knew he could have stood up and told Kris that this would be the last time he'd walk away because he would never be back and the right thing for him to do was to go back to Katy and make things right and work hard for everything they had. He could have used the excuse that one the only one he had left as the reason he ran away from this like he had countless other times before. But this was different, this was Kris and there had never been anything like this before and the thought of walking away seemed more devastating than anything else before and his excuses held no validity because if Kris wanted his choice to be Katy he wouldn't be here with Adam now.
No matter how much Adam couldn't understand it or believe that it was true he could see that Kris loved him and all he had to do was love Kris back and that was the easiest thing in the world for him to do because he had doing just that since nearly the first time they spoke and yet he could still feel a part of himself holding back desperate to push away but he didn't want to let go of Kris the urgency and dependency of Kris company and love had grown too strong for him now and the one thing he knew was that he really was to selfish to sacrifice it.
.