Blind: Chapter 2
Kris Allen shook as he sank into the chair in his office. He leaned forward on his elbows, resting them on his thighs, hands clasped between his knees. He closed his eyes and felt tears gather behind the lids. He couldn’t believe what he’d just heard. He knew things were bad with Katy, he knew they were, had known for a long time. He didn’t know what he thought was going to happen between them, but he hadn’t expected this. Divorce? He carefully exhaled, strangling a sob as two tears slipped from behind his closed lids and rolled down his face, curling under his jaw. He tried very hard to just keep breathing. If he could just breathe, one breath after the other, then surely he could make the blazing in his chest ease. The tears continued to slip under his lids, and dripped now straight off his face onto the floor, as his head hung above his hands. His mind was racing with the things Katy had said. He knew that his sudden success, so shortly after their marriage, had been hard on her. He knew that the traveling, the being apart, the long nights she spent alone in a new city (they had moved to LA after the Idol tour) had all taken their toll. He even knew his confusion during Idol had led to this moment, but he’d never expected to hear what she had told him after she had said she wanted a divorce.
“I never meant for this to happen, Kris, you have to believe me. I’ve just been so lonely, and Ryan… We met at a PETA function, when you were in New York earlier this year. At first it was just dinner every once and a while, while you were gone on tour, or out of town doing press. Oh, I think I knew it was dangerous, but it was just so good to have someone…giving me a bit of attention, for once. Oh, Kris,” she cried. “I never meant for it to happen like this. I love you so much, I really do. But we were so young, and our lives have changed so drastically. I just feel like Ryan…like God sent Ryan…”
“Like God sent Ryan what, Katy? Like God sent him to you to cheat on your husband with?” He spat, turning his back on her. She grabbed his arm and he flung her off of him, narrowly missing elbowing her in the face.
“It’s not like that, Kris. We’ve never…it’s not about that. I love Ryan, I want to marry him. I’m so sorry, Kris.”
The pain inside of Kris was physical. His chest raged and his stomach churned. As the tears fell, his stomach rolled as if he was retching, and he clutched at his midsection and doubled over, still struggling to keep his sobs in check. He sat that way for some time, the tears making a small popping noise as they hit the chair mat under his feet. As the tears subsided, a white noise took over in the place of Kris’ spinning thoughts. He sat back in the chair and stared at the flat screen monitor in front of him, not really present, not really fully connected to reality. Oddly, the first thing came to his mind was Adam’s smiling face, the night that Kris had come to him with his idea to rearrange Heartless. Adam had been so encouraging, so heartening, and Kris had known he had a friend for life in him. Kris always felt less tense when he was around Adam. People would probably be surprised to know that Kris ever felt tense, but he was human, after all, and Adam always got that about him. He just sensed when Kris needed him, the way he sensed when anyone in the mansion needed him. Kris had never met anyone as…spectacular… as Adam Lambert, for he truly was. He spoke whatever was in his head, whenever it occurred to him, and what he had to say was usually somewhat profound when thought about on a deeper level. He was simultaneously the most mature person Kris knew, and the most playful and innocently child-like. The combination was confounding. Kris mused about the perplexing feelings he had started to have for Adam during their time together through the show and on the road during the tour. He didn’t believe himself to be homosexual, but he’d definitely felt something for Adam. He didn’t know how it worked, maybe it wasn’t about a label, maybe it was just about the person. And there was no doubt that Kris Allen loved Adam Lambert. He just didn’t know to what end.
He knew that the feelings he had felt for Adam had been the foundation that his marital problems had been built on. He had pulled away from Katy after he’d returned home from the tour, unsure of what his feelings for Adam meant. And then he’d gone on tour so soon after his album had been released, and they’d been apart for so long. Right after that had been the move to LA, and he’d been busy recording his new album, and she’d been preoccupied decorating their new home. It had been so easy to fall into a pattern of taking each other for granted, and somehow during all that time, he put real distance between himself and his feelings for Adam. He often thought of it as a magical time in his life, one that he would never recapture, but nothing that would ever amount to anything. After all, he was married.
And apparently I value the vows I took more than my wife, he brooded.
There was a soft knock at the door.
“Krissy?” came Katy’s halting voice. He swiveled the chair to his bride and regarded her. Her face was a mess of tears, her eyes shone with regret and she hovered in the doorway, shyly. “Honey,” she began, but was taken away on a wave of emotion at the use of the endearment. She cleared her throat and ran a finger under her nose, sniffing loudly.
“Kris, I’ve got to know if you’re OK. Are you OK, Kris? Please tell me that you’re OK,” she begged as a fresh round of tears coursed down her cheeks. “I know that you’re not OK, OK? I know that, but please tell me you’re OK, Krissy, please tell me because I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe knowing you’re hurting. This is so hard for me, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s hard for you?” He smiled sardonically.
“Alright, I know Kris, I know I’m being selfish. I’m a horrible person, I know I am, I have been living with such guilt and I know the guilt is not going to go away. I…I’m a terrible…” her grief wouldn’t allow her to continue and Kris was moved because even after everything she’d told him, he still loved her.
“Aw, hell”, he breathed, and dropped his head to his hand. “Come here,” he said softly.
She came to him in the chair, knelt in front of him and laid her head in his lap, weeping copiously. “I’m so sorry, I’m sorry”, she chanted like a litany through her tears. Kris’ heart felt like it was in a vice and his stomach contracted again. Though he rubbed his eyes furiously, he could not stop the onslaught of emotion. He bent his head over Katy’s and kissed it, laying it on hers as their mutual sobs rocked them. He cried for it all, for his loss, for her loneliness that had been the impetuous for this entire situation, for the growing apart that they’d been doing for years and for the life they would never have again.
Eventually, the sobbing eased and weariness settled in. Kris was unsure of how to proceed. He straightened up, and she did likewise, moving across the floor and pulling her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms around them. Kris thought she looked so fragile. He thought about how their families would react, thought about how his dad would cry, his mom too. He wondered if Katy’s parents would stand by their daughter’s decision, or if they would be angry with her. There was a whole world of things to think about now. His life as he knew it was officially over.
“So…yeah,” he began awkwardly, “So, I guess I’ll just pack some things and stay at a hotel for a while. Until we can get this” he gestured between the two of them, “figured out.”
“I’ve already talked to a lawyer, Kris. Actually the papers are already drawn up. All that’s left is for us to sign. I don’t want the house, Kris. I’m moving back to Arkansas. Ryan…” she averted her eyes from him when she spoke her new love’s name, and cleared her throat. “He’s actually from Fayetteville. We’re going to…we’re going to live there.”
Kris swallowed this new piece of information. The reality of the situation was beginning to sink in, and his heart dropped into his stomach.
“Oh, God…Katy…” he murmured, gazing at her, still sitting on the floor with her knees drawn to her protectively. She laid her head on her knees, facing away from Kris. He wanted to go to her, to comfort her, to let her comfort him, but he realized how inappropriate that would be. Anger was strangely absent from him. He was sure, however, that it would catch up with him sooner or later.
“I’ll be staying at the Beverly Wilshire, if you need me. I’ll have my cell with me. Let me know when and where to sign the papers,” he paused, looking down at his soon-to-be ex-wife and crouched down in front of her. “This really sucks, Kate,” he said softly, “It really, really does. Damnit…” he struggled to speak around the lump in his throat. “I will always love you. Don’t ever forget that.”
Her quiet tears disturbed him almost as much as the loud sobbing, but there was nothing more he could do now. He had to get out of there before he lost his mind. He left Katy behind on the office floor.
***
Chapter 1: community.livejournal.com/kradam_ai/479778.html#cutid1
“I never meant for this to happen, Kris, you have to believe me. I’ve just been so lonely, and Ryan… We met at a PETA function, when you were in New York earlier this year. At first it was just dinner every once and a while, while you were gone on tour, or out of town doing press. Oh, I think I knew it was dangerous, but it was just so good to have someone…giving me a bit of attention, for once. Oh, Kris,” she cried. “I never meant for it to happen like this. I love you so much, I really do. But we were so young, and our lives have changed so drastically. I just feel like Ryan…like God sent Ryan…”
“Like God sent Ryan what, Katy? Like God sent him to you to cheat on your husband with?” He spat, turning his back on her. She grabbed his arm and he flung her off of him, narrowly missing elbowing her in the face.
“It’s not like that, Kris. We’ve never…it’s not about that. I love Ryan, I want to marry him. I’m so sorry, Kris.”
The pain inside of Kris was physical. His chest raged and his stomach churned. As the tears fell, his stomach rolled as if he was retching, and he clutched at his midsection and doubled over, still struggling to keep his sobs in check. He sat that way for some time, the tears making a small popping noise as they hit the chair mat under his feet. As the tears subsided, a white noise took over in the place of Kris’ spinning thoughts. He sat back in the chair and stared at the flat screen monitor in front of him, not really present, not really fully connected to reality. Oddly, the first thing came to his mind was Adam’s smiling face, the night that Kris had come to him with his idea to rearrange Heartless. Adam had been so encouraging, so heartening, and Kris had known he had a friend for life in him. Kris always felt less tense when he was around Adam. People would probably be surprised to know that Kris ever felt tense, but he was human, after all, and Adam always got that about him. He just sensed when Kris needed him, the way he sensed when anyone in the mansion needed him. Kris had never met anyone as…spectacular… as Adam Lambert, for he truly was. He spoke whatever was in his head, whenever it occurred to him, and what he had to say was usually somewhat profound when thought about on a deeper level. He was simultaneously the most mature person Kris knew, and the most playful and innocently child-like. The combination was confounding. Kris mused about the perplexing feelings he had started to have for Adam during their time together through the show and on the road during the tour. He didn’t believe himself to be homosexual, but he’d definitely felt something for Adam. He didn’t know how it worked, maybe it wasn’t about a label, maybe it was just about the person. And there was no doubt that Kris Allen loved Adam Lambert. He just didn’t know to what end.
He knew that the feelings he had felt for Adam had been the foundation that his marital problems had been built on. He had pulled away from Katy after he’d returned home from the tour, unsure of what his feelings for Adam meant. And then he’d gone on tour so soon after his album had been released, and they’d been apart for so long. Right after that had been the move to LA, and he’d been busy recording his new album, and she’d been preoccupied decorating their new home. It had been so easy to fall into a pattern of taking each other for granted, and somehow during all that time, he put real distance between himself and his feelings for Adam. He often thought of it as a magical time in his life, one that he would never recapture, but nothing that would ever amount to anything. After all, he was married.
And apparently I value the vows I took more than my wife, he brooded.
There was a soft knock at the door.
“Krissy?” came Katy’s halting voice. He swiveled the chair to his bride and regarded her. Her face was a mess of tears, her eyes shone with regret and she hovered in the doorway, shyly. “Honey,” she began, but was taken away on a wave of emotion at the use of the endearment. She cleared her throat and ran a finger under her nose, sniffing loudly.
“Kris, I’ve got to know if you’re OK. Are you OK, Kris? Please tell me that you’re OK,” she begged as a fresh round of tears coursed down her cheeks. “I know that you’re not OK, OK? I know that, but please tell me you’re OK, Krissy, please tell me because I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe knowing you’re hurting. This is so hard for me, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s hard for you?” He smiled sardonically.
“Alright, I know Kris, I know I’m being selfish. I’m a horrible person, I know I am, I have been living with such guilt and I know the guilt is not going to go away. I…I’m a terrible…” her grief wouldn’t allow her to continue and Kris was moved because even after everything she’d told him, he still loved her.
“Aw, hell”, he breathed, and dropped his head to his hand. “Come here,” he said softly.
She came to him in the chair, knelt in front of him and laid her head in his lap, weeping copiously. “I’m so sorry, I’m sorry”, she chanted like a litany through her tears. Kris’ heart felt like it was in a vice and his stomach contracted again. Though he rubbed his eyes furiously, he could not stop the onslaught of emotion. He bent his head over Katy’s and kissed it, laying it on hers as their mutual sobs rocked them. He cried for it all, for his loss, for her loneliness that had been the impetuous for this entire situation, for the growing apart that they’d been doing for years and for the life they would never have again.
Eventually, the sobbing eased and weariness settled in. Kris was unsure of how to proceed. He straightened up, and she did likewise, moving across the floor and pulling her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms around them. Kris thought she looked so fragile. He thought about how their families would react, thought about how his dad would cry, his mom too. He wondered if Katy’s parents would stand by their daughter’s decision, or if they would be angry with her. There was a whole world of things to think about now. His life as he knew it was officially over.
“So…yeah,” he began awkwardly, “So, I guess I’ll just pack some things and stay at a hotel for a while. Until we can get this” he gestured between the two of them, “figured out.”
“I’ve already talked to a lawyer, Kris. Actually the papers are already drawn up. All that’s left is for us to sign. I don’t want the house, Kris. I’m moving back to Arkansas. Ryan…” she averted her eyes from him when she spoke her new love’s name, and cleared her throat. “He’s actually from Fayetteville. We’re going to…we’re going to live there.”
Kris swallowed this new piece of information. The reality of the situation was beginning to sink in, and his heart dropped into his stomach.
“Oh, God…Katy…” he murmured, gazing at her, still sitting on the floor with her knees drawn to her protectively. She laid her head on her knees, facing away from Kris. He wanted to go to her, to comfort her, to let her comfort him, but he realized how inappropriate that would be. Anger was strangely absent from him. He was sure, however, that it would catch up with him sooner or later.
“I’ll be staying at the Beverly Wilshire, if you need me. I’ll have my cell with me. Let me know when and where to sign the papers,” he paused, looking down at his soon-to-be ex-wife and crouched down in front of her. “This really sucks, Kate,” he said softly, “It really, really does. Damnit…” he struggled to speak around the lump in his throat. “I will always love you. Don’t ever forget that.”
Her quiet tears disturbed him almost as much as the loud sobbing, but there was nothing more he could do now. He had to get out of there before he lost his mind. He left Katy behind on the office floor.
***
Chapter 1: community.livejournal.com/kradam_ai/479778.html#cutid1