Fic: Blind, Chapter 4
Title: Blind
Author: ktwrites
Pairing: Kradam
Rating: PG-13 for mild language
Summary: Kris and Adam have a much needed conversation.
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, no matter how much I wish I did. They belong to themselves, and none of this happened in real life.
Warning: LJ does not like my computer. No matter where I put the cut, the links to the previous chapters always ends up inside the chapter I just posted. So, if you'd like to read the previous three, open the chapter and scroll to the bottom. Sorry guys, I don't know why LJ is an ass to me!
~Start~
It had been at least four months since the last time he’d talked to Kris. He knew it had at least been that long because he hadn’t talked to him at all while on tour. He remembered Kris had been doing a lot of press the last time they talked, promoting the release of his new album. It had been twice that long since he had seen him, Adam remembered that trip vividly. Kris and he had met up in New York, they had both been doing business there around the first of the year. They had spent an entire day together, had actually enjoyed the city without being mobbed. He loved that about New Yorkers - they were just too busy to really care what new singing sensations were canvassing their fair city. As always, just being around Kris had been enough to put Adam at ease for weeks afterward. Kris just had that effect on him. Love had that effect on him.
All of this flashed through Adam’s mind when he saw Kris’ name on his phone. So did Kris’ face, in a hundred different expressions that Adam’s brain had captured. His stomach did the natural flip-flop that it always did when he was caught unprepared by Kris.
He touched the green button and, struggling for nonchalance, said, “What’s up, Kris? Long time, man.”
“Hey, Adam,” came Kris’ voice, sounding…well, sounding like normal Kris, but, also something…else…and Adam sensed it right away. He trusted his emotional radar like he trusted his sense of sight.
“What’s wrong?” he blurted. Across the table, Allison’s head snapped back to Adam and her eyebrows darted up. Adam shook his head indicating that he didn’t yet know what the problem was.
“Shit man, I forget how well you know me,” Kris breathed, as though he had been holding it. “I just…I can’t do this anymore, I can’t…do this…by myself.” Adam thought he detected tears in his friend’s voice.
“Kris, what’s going on? Are you OK?” Adam was really beginning to worry.
“I’ve been trying to hide this, keep It out of the media and the gossip rags, and I haven’t talked to anyone since it’s happened, haven’t even talked to my folks, can you believe that? Not talking to my parents? It just hurts too much, it’s just…too much…” Kris rambled. Adam knew the most important thing he could do right now was to just listen.
“Go on,” Adam prompted.
“Katy left me,” Kris said flatly, “She’s marrying some guy she met out here at Christmas. She’s gone, the papers are signed. We’re divorced.”
Adam felt as though he’d been battered around the midsection. He had to breathe very carefully to keep from gasping. Several thoughts collided in his mind but the one that screamed the loudest was the one that said Kris was a single man.
“Damn. Damn. Kris, what do you need? I have one more show and then I’m on the road home. I can come get you, you can stay at my place for a while. You’re just there alone? Or are you staying in a hotel? How long has this been going on? When did you find out?”
Kris’ breath shuddered, and Adam knew that he was weeping. His heart twisted for Kris, he wished that he could be there at that very moment to put his arms around him. He hated it when his friends needed him and he couldn’t be present for them.
“She met him when I was in New York - you know the trip when we hung out? She said they would only go out to dinner as friends when I was out of town, so he could keep her company, but obviously it turned into something more at some point. So, seven months my wife was seeing this asshole behind my back. She had the nerve to tell me they weren’t sleeping together -“
“Right,” Adam scoffed
“Yeah, that’s what I say. Anyway, she told me like three weeks ago, maybe four. The night she told me she also tells me that she’s going to marry this guy. That she feels like God sent him to her. Shit,” he spat, “So, what was I? Just the guy God had sent to her before she met the right one, I guess.” Kris laughed harshly, which didn’t mask the pain in his words.
“Where are you?” Adam asked.
“At the house. She’s moved back to Arkansas. He’s from Fayetteville. A northwest Arkansas man, no less. Shit,” he repeated. “I happen to have some time off right now; I’m kind of between projects. I’m thinking this is the worst time that I could be not working. I need the distraction, you know?”
Yes, he did know. He had used that same busy lifestyle to distract himself from his feelings for Kris for years. And now, with this news, all of those feelings were being released like wild stallions out of a gate. How he longed to hold Kris in his arms and wipe away this pain for him. He wished he could just kiss it all away. He told himself that he needed to slow down, he needed to get himself in check, that just because the guy was divorced didn’t mean that suddenly he was going to change his sexual orientation. This was not the time to think of such things. Kris, his friend, needed him to be there for him, not pining away after him, trying to get him to fall in love with him. It was going to take time for Kris to heal, it would be months, maybe a year or more before he was really over this, Adam told himself. If he was ever to be blessed enough to be in Kris’ life, he wanted to be there forever, and not just as a rebound.
“Yeah, I know. So, you’ve cut yourself off from your parents? Why? Because you’re ashamed. I’m sure you’re blaming yourself. If I know you at all I know you’ve been putting all the blame where it doesn’t belong, all on yourself.”
“Adam, things weren’t going well. Hadn’t been going well for a long time. Idol has been a blessing and a curse for us. What couple wouldn’t struggle with all that time away in the first couple months of marriage?”
“Kris, that wasn’t your fault, that was life,” Adam continued as Kris tried to interrupt, “Yes, I know, it wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t tried out, but Katy supported you in your dream. You did what you were meant to do. She’s the one who broke the vow. You can tell yourself that you weren’t there, and therefore it was your fault, or you can see the truth that is this: she made all of her choices. You can’t hold yourself responsible for her choices.”
Adam heard the younger man sigh haggardly, he was weeping freely now, making no secret of the fact. Adam let the truth of his words sink in, and just sat with Kris as Kris sat with his pain. For many moments, silence stretched between the two friends. It was finally broken by a weak laugh from Kris.
“Shit, I’m such a girl, crying on your shoulder,” he laughed.
“My shoulders are good for that. Believe me, they’ve absorbed many a tear, my dear,” Adam responded. “Seriously, Kris, I’m glad you called me.”
“I am too. I needed to talk to someone, you were the first person I thought of. Seriously man, you always know what to say to make me feel better.”
“You know I care about you, bro,” Adam said lightly, feeling a sinking in his chest, wondering what Kris would think if he knew how much.
“Yeah…” Kris sighed. “Man, I’m sorry -“
Adam cut Kris off midsentence, “Hey, no apologies. You’re my friend. You’d do the same for me.”
“Yeah. Man. I gotta get a grip,” Kris mumbled.
“OK, let’s cover the basics. Are you eating regularly? Showering? Getting outside once a day? Any exercise?”
“Why do I feel like you’ve just handed the phone over to my mother?” Kris laughed shakily.
“Trust me, I can be one tough bitch. Are you taking care of yourself, Kris?”
Kris sighed deeply. “Not really. I’m eating like shit, sleeping too much, hardly ever get out of the house. I’ve been writing a little, but it’s not anything I can use. I’m pretty sure Katy would sue me if I released any of it,” Kris chuckled darkly.
“OK, here’s the deal. I’ll be back home late Wednesday night. I have a little time off now myself, at least a month or so. So let’s start right away. I’ll come by Thursday morning, and we’ll go run the beach together. If that doesn’t pound my ass into shape I don’t know what will,” he said, sighing, thinking of the eternal ten pounds he was trying to lose. “I’m not gonna let you nose dive into depression, dude. Will you do this with me, every day until you can do it on your own?”
“Gaaahhhhhddd,” Kris groaned, “I guess I will if you make me.”
“I am making you. So, you gonna be OK for now?”
“For the next hour or so, yeah. Then it’ll all come back to me and I’ll be in hell again.”
Adam paused, “You’re a pretty faithful guy. Have you been praying?”
Kris sighed. “Not really. I’ve got all this anger and I just don’t know what to do with it. I think I’ve turned it toward God. I just don’t understand how He could have let this happen.”
“Keep trying, Kris. When we are in deep pain we need our spiritual roots the most. Your faith will keep you grounded, and I know how important yours is to you. Try to talk to God, Kris.”
“Damn, man. You’ve got all my bases covered for me. I was gonna call my mom, but I think you’ve got it all down. I can’t imagine that she would have anything to add,” Kris laughed.
“Except her love,” Adam quipped.
“There is that,” Kris agreed, “I think I’ll give them a call. It’s pretty long overdue. It’s time I broke out of this cocoon I’ve been hiding in.”
“So, I’ll see you Thursday morning? Say about ten or so?”
“I’ll be here. Good to talk to you, Adam.”
“Hang in there, Kris. See you in a couple of days.”
Adam pressed the end call button and looked at Allison, who had been listening with growing curiosity. Just as he was opening his mouth to relate the story to her, she cut him off.
“Adam, just be careful,” was all she said. Was all she needed to say. Allison had witnessed the heat between Kris and Adam, and although they rarely talked about it, she knew that Adam still harbored feelings for the younger man. She loved Adam fiercely, and she knew he wasn’t stupid, but she didn’t want him to set himself up for heartache. Just being near Kris made Adam a little crazy.
“Al, I know. I know. But he’s a…a buddy…that needs a friend. Trust me, I know what I’m doing.”
Allison didn’t say anything. She just hoped he was right.
***
Chapter 1: community.livejournal.com/kradam_ai/479778.html#cutid1
Chapter 2: community.livejournal.com/kradam_ai/489894.html#cutid1
Chapter 3: community.livejournal.com/kradam_ai/502488.html#cutid1
Author: ktwrites
Pairing: Kradam
Rating: PG-13 for mild language
Summary: Kris and Adam have a much needed conversation.
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, no matter how much I wish I did. They belong to themselves, and none of this happened in real life.
Warning: LJ does not like my computer. No matter where I put the cut, the links to the previous chapters always ends up inside the chapter I just posted. So, if you'd like to read the previous three, open the chapter and scroll to the bottom. Sorry guys, I don't know why LJ is an ass to me!
~Start~
It had been at least four months since the last time he’d talked to Kris. He knew it had at least been that long because he hadn’t talked to him at all while on tour. He remembered Kris had been doing a lot of press the last time they talked, promoting the release of his new album. It had been twice that long since he had seen him, Adam remembered that trip vividly. Kris and he had met up in New York, they had both been doing business there around the first of the year. They had spent an entire day together, had actually enjoyed the city without being mobbed. He loved that about New Yorkers - they were just too busy to really care what new singing sensations were canvassing their fair city. As always, just being around Kris had been enough to put Adam at ease for weeks afterward. Kris just had that effect on him. Love had that effect on him.
All of this flashed through Adam’s mind when he saw Kris’ name on his phone. So did Kris’ face, in a hundred different expressions that Adam’s brain had captured. His stomach did the natural flip-flop that it always did when he was caught unprepared by Kris.
He touched the green button and, struggling for nonchalance, said, “What’s up, Kris? Long time, man.”
“Hey, Adam,” came Kris’ voice, sounding…well, sounding like normal Kris, but, also something…else…and Adam sensed it right away. He trusted his emotional radar like he trusted his sense of sight.
“What’s wrong?” he blurted. Across the table, Allison’s head snapped back to Adam and her eyebrows darted up. Adam shook his head indicating that he didn’t yet know what the problem was.
“Shit man, I forget how well you know me,” Kris breathed, as though he had been holding it. “I just…I can’t do this anymore, I can’t…do this…by myself.” Adam thought he detected tears in his friend’s voice.
“Kris, what’s going on? Are you OK?” Adam was really beginning to worry.
“I’ve been trying to hide this, keep It out of the media and the gossip rags, and I haven’t talked to anyone since it’s happened, haven’t even talked to my folks, can you believe that? Not talking to my parents? It just hurts too much, it’s just…too much…” Kris rambled. Adam knew the most important thing he could do right now was to just listen.
“Go on,” Adam prompted.
“Katy left me,” Kris said flatly, “She’s marrying some guy she met out here at Christmas. She’s gone, the papers are signed. We’re divorced.”
Adam felt as though he’d been battered around the midsection. He had to breathe very carefully to keep from gasping. Several thoughts collided in his mind but the one that screamed the loudest was the one that said Kris was a single man.
“Damn. Damn. Kris, what do you need? I have one more show and then I’m on the road home. I can come get you, you can stay at my place for a while. You’re just there alone? Or are you staying in a hotel? How long has this been going on? When did you find out?”
Kris’ breath shuddered, and Adam knew that he was weeping. His heart twisted for Kris, he wished that he could be there at that very moment to put his arms around him. He hated it when his friends needed him and he couldn’t be present for them.
“She met him when I was in New York - you know the trip when we hung out? She said they would only go out to dinner as friends when I was out of town, so he could keep her company, but obviously it turned into something more at some point. So, seven months my wife was seeing this asshole behind my back. She had the nerve to tell me they weren’t sleeping together -“
“Right,” Adam scoffed
“Yeah, that’s what I say. Anyway, she told me like three weeks ago, maybe four. The night she told me she also tells me that she’s going to marry this guy. That she feels like God sent him to her. Shit,” he spat, “So, what was I? Just the guy God had sent to her before she met the right one, I guess.” Kris laughed harshly, which didn’t mask the pain in his words.
“Where are you?” Adam asked.
“At the house. She’s moved back to Arkansas. He’s from Fayetteville. A northwest Arkansas man, no less. Shit,” he repeated. “I happen to have some time off right now; I’m kind of between projects. I’m thinking this is the worst time that I could be not working. I need the distraction, you know?”
Yes, he did know. He had used that same busy lifestyle to distract himself from his feelings for Kris for years. And now, with this news, all of those feelings were being released like wild stallions out of a gate. How he longed to hold Kris in his arms and wipe away this pain for him. He wished he could just kiss it all away. He told himself that he needed to slow down, he needed to get himself in check, that just because the guy was divorced didn’t mean that suddenly he was going to change his sexual orientation. This was not the time to think of such things. Kris, his friend, needed him to be there for him, not pining away after him, trying to get him to fall in love with him. It was going to take time for Kris to heal, it would be months, maybe a year or more before he was really over this, Adam told himself. If he was ever to be blessed enough to be in Kris’ life, he wanted to be there forever, and not just as a rebound.
“Yeah, I know. So, you’ve cut yourself off from your parents? Why? Because you’re ashamed. I’m sure you’re blaming yourself. If I know you at all I know you’ve been putting all the blame where it doesn’t belong, all on yourself.”
“Adam, things weren’t going well. Hadn’t been going well for a long time. Idol has been a blessing and a curse for us. What couple wouldn’t struggle with all that time away in the first couple months of marriage?”
“Kris, that wasn’t your fault, that was life,” Adam continued as Kris tried to interrupt, “Yes, I know, it wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t tried out, but Katy supported you in your dream. You did what you were meant to do. She’s the one who broke the vow. You can tell yourself that you weren’t there, and therefore it was your fault, or you can see the truth that is this: she made all of her choices. You can’t hold yourself responsible for her choices.”
Adam heard the younger man sigh haggardly, he was weeping freely now, making no secret of the fact. Adam let the truth of his words sink in, and just sat with Kris as Kris sat with his pain. For many moments, silence stretched between the two friends. It was finally broken by a weak laugh from Kris.
“Shit, I’m such a girl, crying on your shoulder,” he laughed.
“My shoulders are good for that. Believe me, they’ve absorbed many a tear, my dear,” Adam responded. “Seriously, Kris, I’m glad you called me.”
“I am too. I needed to talk to someone, you were the first person I thought of. Seriously man, you always know what to say to make me feel better.”
“You know I care about you, bro,” Adam said lightly, feeling a sinking in his chest, wondering what Kris would think if he knew how much.
“Yeah…” Kris sighed. “Man, I’m sorry -“
Adam cut Kris off midsentence, “Hey, no apologies. You’re my friend. You’d do the same for me.”
“Yeah. Man. I gotta get a grip,” Kris mumbled.
“OK, let’s cover the basics. Are you eating regularly? Showering? Getting outside once a day? Any exercise?”
“Why do I feel like you’ve just handed the phone over to my mother?” Kris laughed shakily.
“Trust me, I can be one tough bitch. Are you taking care of yourself, Kris?”
Kris sighed deeply. “Not really. I’m eating like shit, sleeping too much, hardly ever get out of the house. I’ve been writing a little, but it’s not anything I can use. I’m pretty sure Katy would sue me if I released any of it,” Kris chuckled darkly.
“OK, here’s the deal. I’ll be back home late Wednesday night. I have a little time off now myself, at least a month or so. So let’s start right away. I’ll come by Thursday morning, and we’ll go run the beach together. If that doesn’t pound my ass into shape I don’t know what will,” he said, sighing, thinking of the eternal ten pounds he was trying to lose. “I’m not gonna let you nose dive into depression, dude. Will you do this with me, every day until you can do it on your own?”
“Gaaahhhhhddd,” Kris groaned, “I guess I will if you make me.”
“I am making you. So, you gonna be OK for now?”
“For the next hour or so, yeah. Then it’ll all come back to me and I’ll be in hell again.”
Adam paused, “You’re a pretty faithful guy. Have you been praying?”
Kris sighed. “Not really. I’ve got all this anger and I just don’t know what to do with it. I think I’ve turned it toward God. I just don’t understand how He could have let this happen.”
“Keep trying, Kris. When we are in deep pain we need our spiritual roots the most. Your faith will keep you grounded, and I know how important yours is to you. Try to talk to God, Kris.”
“Damn, man. You’ve got all my bases covered for me. I was gonna call my mom, but I think you’ve got it all down. I can’t imagine that she would have anything to add,” Kris laughed.
“Except her love,” Adam quipped.
“There is that,” Kris agreed, “I think I’ll give them a call. It’s pretty long overdue. It’s time I broke out of this cocoon I’ve been hiding in.”
“So, I’ll see you Thursday morning? Say about ten or so?”
“I’ll be here. Good to talk to you, Adam.”
“Hang in there, Kris. See you in a couple of days.”
Adam pressed the end call button and looked at Allison, who had been listening with growing curiosity. Just as he was opening his mouth to relate the story to her, she cut him off.
“Adam, just be careful,” was all she said. Was all she needed to say. Allison had witnessed the heat between Kris and Adam, and although they rarely talked about it, she knew that Adam still harbored feelings for the younger man. She loved Adam fiercely, and she knew he wasn’t stupid, but she didn’t want him to set himself up for heartache. Just being near Kris made Adam a little crazy.
“Al, I know. I know. But he’s a…a buddy…that needs a friend. Trust me, I know what I’m doing.”
Allison didn’t say anything. She just hoped he was right.
***
Chapter 1: community.livejournal.com/kradam_ai/479778.html#cutid1
Chapter 2: community.livejournal.com/kradam_ai/489894.html#cutid1
Chapter 3: community.livejournal.com/kradam_ai/502488.html#cutid1