[FOR ISHQYAUN] See Right Through Me [4/5]

[krishanthemods]

Part III

As much as he hated himself for the man he was born as, there were times when he felt grateful that he was given the chance to live and cherish. He knew that life didn’t come easy to any of them, that everyone had their own demons to hide.

He liked to think that he did a good job at keeping Kris away in his mind, the weak fourteen year old Kris that had trouble with his own thoughts. Yifan knew that Kris was the side of story that he would choose to keep, only sharing it with people who he thought will never hurt him. Yun and Han had never done any of that.

Living as Yifan was nice. Yifan didn’t need to bother with what people thought about him. Kris was full of insecurities, especially the fear of rejection, and sleepless nights. Yifan was confident, sure, and everything Kris ever hoped to be. Being Yifan made him a master in shouldering responsibilities. Yifan was an adult, a man. Kris was still a young, helpless boy.

Alter ego, he once did a research on this… state of mentality he had. It was almost as if he was pretending to be someone else most of the time, but he wasn’t trying to be someone else. Kris was a part of himself and so was Yifan. Two sides of a coin, the bright sun and the masked moon. He chose to be Yifan because he wanted to accept himself, to be comfortable in his own skin, and he succeeded. Or at least, he thought so.

He didn’t know when Kris started slipping into his life again. He realized that he tended to second guess himself lately, afraid of what he had done and what he would do, looking around for judging eyes only to find that it was his own mind… he had been restless. Even more so than before that day almost a week ago.

On the other hand, though, he was somehow relieved that Han seemed to act as if nothing had happened between them. Like there were no tears shed that day, like he hadn’t cried himself to sleep, like he hadn’t hear Yifan’s story of his darker days. He, though, didn’t know what to say or how to react when Han would still slot himself to Yifan’s side, head leaning to his crook of neck and wearing Yifan’s clothes once in a while.

“That’s my hoodie, right?” he once asked, brows furrowing in both confusion and an emotion he somehow identified as fear. “Where’s yours? I bought you one a few months ago, right?”

Han’s response was a simple, “This makes me warm. I like wearing your hoodie.” He added it with a small smile, eyes fixed to the tips of his fingers that were peeking from the way too long sleeves. Yifan didn’t know what to do.

For the first few days that Han had openly tried to get his attention, Yifan had shied off from the touch, fleeing the premises with endless excuses, trying to limit skin to skin contact as much as possible. The next few days, though, Han would simply lean to his shoulder and look up with his doe eyes, asking Yifan if he could stay like this for at least ten minutes a day. Yifan still believed in his previous theory of physical affection, and it had become a habit to let Han’s warmth seep into his bones.

It didn’t mean that he wasn’t feeling guilty whenever he felt Han’s familiar weight on his side. God knows how he tried to act normal, but his mind would mock him for being a traitor and his body would stay still so Han won’t be able to tell that Yifan was eating himself inside.

Han also picked up a new habit of calling him with ‘Kris’ instead of Yifan ge, like how he’d usually do. There was no more “Ge, I need to stay late on campus today” or “can you pass me the plate, ge?” Everything changed to “What do you want me to cook for today, Kris?” and “Kris, come! Check this video out, it’s so funny.”

To put it simply, it terrified Yifan.

He worked so hard to keep himself in check for the past ten years, carefully crafting the person he’d want to be seen as and would love to be known as. He was Yifan, finally, but Han made him - literally and figuratively - feel like Kris all over again. It was almost like he was taken out of the water he had been struggling to swim in all of his life. It was unsettling, weird, and awkward.

Yifan never answered much, he didn’t know what to answer even though he wanted to. Han would always try to push through his boundaries, his walls, and Yifan would scramble around to patch the cracks. He knew Han knew what he was doing, no matter how much he tried to make it as subtle as possible, but Han would always try again, and again, and again. His persistence was what makes Han Han, and Yifan wasn’t sure if he should be even more terrified or… relieved.

He shouldn’t feel nostalgic when he heard his birth name in Han’s always melodic voice. He shouldn’t have the urge to stroke Han’s hair whenever the light falls on it a bit too perfectly. He shouldn’t even respond when Han talked to him, really.

But as much as Yifan tried to hold back during the day, trying to avoid all contacts unless it’s necessary with Han, during the night Kris would look down to Han’s curled up form with his smaller hand curled just inches away from where Kris was, and Kris would stroke his hair away from his eyes and set his hand just a breath away from where Han’s palm was. In the morning, Yifan would wake up first, turning around and tried to calm his hysteria before forcing himself awake, waiting for Han to wake up first before pulling himself off the bed as if nothing happened.

On the nights he felt braver, Kris would scoot closer to take Han in his arms, because what Han didn’t know won’t hurt him, and what he couldn’t remember wasn’t real. He would lean down to press his lips to the top of Han’s hair, breathing in his faint shampoo softly only to realize that Han had used Yifan’s shampoo again, and let himself want for a short while before Yifan let Han go and covered him with the blanket, then did what he did every night; denying himself.

And somehow it was March already, four weeks after Yun’s anniversary, and the line between Kris and Yifan was blurring.

*

It was a particularly sunny day on the middle of March when he received a phone call from Han’s mother. He had just took a quick coffee trip and was on his way back when his phone rang in his pocket.

“Wei? A yi?” he asked in a confused tone. It was rare for her to call him so early; she would usually call him on weekend evenings. A call on Tuesday afternoon was certainly not what he had expected.

“Wei. Yifan? Are you free right now? I need to talk to you,” she answered from the other end. He noticed uncertainty on her tone. “I am, I’m still in my lunch break now so no issues. Is… there something wrong?”

“Ah no, I just… need to talk to you about Han.”

“Han? Is there something wrong?” Yifan frowned, part worried and part anxious. They hadn’t had this conversation apart from the one six months ago, when she asked him a favour to be Han’s guardian.

“No, no, it’s not that. I was just…” there was a pause for a few seconds, but Yifan kept quiet until she spoke again. “I just talked to a friend of mine. She worked in a hospital, a resident for its trauma center.”

Trauma center? And what does it have to do with- oh. Oh.

“We had a talk and…” a sigh. “I think both of us, Han and I, are very affected by his brother’s passing. I wouldn’t even realize that if it wasn’t for her. I thought we were just… coping. But it seemed like what we’re doing right now isn’t healthy for our own good.”

“You are affected because both of you love him, A yi, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it,” he answered quietly, looking down to the nearly empty cup of coffee in front of him. Yun’s death was the last thing on his mind right now. He didn’t know if it was a sign of him moving on with life and put the past behind, or he was just simply… letting go.

“But this is different. Both of us are still blaming ourselves for what happened and- Han took it the hardest. I just want him to be happy again. He doesn’t deserve all the beatings he put himself through. I’m a mother, I know.”

So this was the reason why she refused to talk about Yun in front of Han back home. Because she was trying to heal Han’s wounds by avoiding the topic of his brother’s death. Because she loved Yun and Han all the same. Because she was a mother and this was her sacrifice; to not grief and to try to put Han first.

“My friend introduced me to a good counsellor. I’ve been meeting with him twice now. He knows a good counsellor in Guangzhou and it’s not that far from where you stay right now. I… I want Han to at least talk to him once. I’ll transfer the payment to you along with his monthly fees. Please talk to him about it?”

Yifan sighed and ran a hand through his hair, closing his eyes. A frown marred his thick eyebrows. “Have you… discussed it with Han before?”

“I did, but he wouldn’t listen to me. He’d listen to you more. You’d know how to make him go. I believe that you can. Please? For Han. This is my favour that I ask you, but this is for Han. I want him to be a normal boy again. I want him to live life. I want him to forgive himself.”

“I’ll- I’ll try. I can’t guarantee it but I’ll try,” he said finally after another heavy sigh. He wanted the same thing for Han as well. If there was anything in this world that he’d give up his life for, it’d be to see Han smiling genuinely again, without the lurking sadness behind his façade.

“I know I can count on you Yifan. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome A yi, anytime.”

There was a silence on the other end for a few seconds and Yifan debated upon whether he should ended the call, but he didn’t want to seem rude or impolite. “A yi? Are you-“

“Please take care of Han for me. You’re the only one I would trust him to. Only you. ”

She cut the call not long after and the bustling café couldn’t even take Yifan out of his train of thoughts.

It wasn’t as if the idea hadn’t crossed his mind before. He had actually did his part of research (with baidu’s help, of course) and came up with a few names that were in his vicinity, and also had a fairly good track record. The hard part was how to bring it up to the very person who needed it the most. It wasn’t like he could just bring it up over dinner when he wasn’t even on good terms with the younger. It was mostly his fault, he had to admit.

The thought gnawed the back of his mind even after he went back to the office. He must had look distracted enough that Henry awkwardly offered to treat him for a drink after work later.

“It’s alright, thanks man. I’m alright,” he answered with what he thought was a reassuring smile, but it seemed like it fuelled Henry to determinedly drag him out of the office as soon as the metaphorical bell rings.

“The cost of treating you would be negligible compared to the pay rise you’d somehow give me in the future,” Henry reasoned as he opened a can of beer from the six pack he set under the dashboard of Yifan’s car. He gave the opened can to Yifan and opened another one for himself.

“It’s just beer,” Yifan snorted, sipping the cold beer, ignoring Henry’s protest of his current state of wage.

“I could’ve bought you something fancier but a certain boss wouldn’t reward his employee more even though his work has never been less than fantastic,” he protested, his childish frown etched onto his face.

“If forgetting to pay the electricity bill on time and only realizing it when the office’s power got cut off is ‘nothing less than fantastic’ then yes, congratulations,” Yifan calmly pointed it out, looking at the scenery of Pearl River in sunset glow.

“That was one time. You need to cut me some slack,” Henry muttered under his breath before taking a few gulps from his can. “But we’re here to talk about you, not about my minor mishaps in the past.”

“I told you already, I’m fine. Really,” Yifan sighed, leaning back to the faux leather seat.

“Don’t make me pull out the Fei and Jia card on you bro,” he narrowed his eyes, squinting at the man who pointedly was ignoring him.

The apology was very much… normal. Fei had punched him on the gut and called him an asshole, Jia looked at him like she was about to drive a knife down his airway, but both of them smiled in the end and forgave him. In Henry’s case, he apologized rapidly as soon as Yifan entered the office door the day after the big fiasco, which Yifan had awkwardly said yes to and said his own portion of ‘sorry’s.

But the thought of having to go through it again terrified him, so he found himself telling the whole thing from the start, leaving the parts where he kissed Han and the confession he made. As he told the story he somehow felt… lighter. Maybe he really need to talk about it to someone. And he knew that Henry would never judge him for what he was and who he was.

“So yeah,” he ended it with a shrug, taking another sip from the now empty can. He threw the can out of the window. “His mother asked me to ask him to go to a counsellor and I have no idea how to.”

Henry stayed quiet for a while as he opened a new can, lips pursed in thought as he wordlessly pass the beer to Yifan. “I think that you should just, you know, tell him the truth. I think he can sympathize more when he knows his mother is doing it too, yaknow.”

“I know, but still…” he sighed, taking the second can of beer and downed a large gulp of it. “What if he didn’t wanna do it because his mother is doing it too? I mean, you know, it could be a possibility…”

“But really, I think you should still tell him the truth. He seems to react well when you’re being transparent to him, based on your stories. When you treat him like an adult, you know. When we were his age we’d like to be treated as one too right? So I think telling him the truth will be the best option,” the dark haired man reasoned, tapping the tip of his can to the dashboard.

“Maybe,” Yifan admitted quietly, gaze fixed to the droplets that trail down the aluminium surface of the can. “But if he decided to decline, if, then what do I do?”

“Well… rewards and incentives work really well with people at that age, don’t you think? Strike a deal with him or something, I don’t know. That was what my mother did when she wanted me to continue to learn how to play violin,” Henry shrugged. “I got a new game every three months. Talk about heaven.”

Yifan thought about it for a while before nodding. The idea sounded alright. “That could work, I’ll try to talk to him tonight then. The sooner the better, right?” Yifan leaned back to the leather seat of his car, sipping the content of his beer slowly.

“Yep, you got that right,” the shorter man said with his toothy grin, giving his boss two thumbs up. Yifan rolled his eyes at the silly gesture and waved him off. “Now get out of my car, your apartment is close by anyway,” he said as he put his can down onto the cup holder, the corners of his lips quirking up in a teasing grin.

Henry gasped dramatically and threw his empty can to Yifan, calling him an ungrateful son of a bitch, but was promptly quieted with one mention of his pay check. He dutifully took the trashes out and bowed deeply before exiting the car, bidding his goodbye to Yifan, who shook his head in amusement. He was thankful to find a friend in Henry, in a lot of ways.

As he drove home he tried to formulate his thoughts and replayed his prepared speech over and over again so he would have a solid argument of why Han should attend the counselling sessions. He had half a mind to make the appointment beforehand and just drag Han to the designated place but he knew that it wasn’t the right thing to do.

He was still thinking and weighing of what kind of options he could give Han as a ‘collateral’ for this deal but before he knew it, he was already standing in front of his front door. Sighing yet again he punched in the password to his premises, calling out for Han as soon as he let himself in.

“Han?” he looked around and spotted the younger man curled up on the couch, a half-eaten apple held on his left hand with the television airing some Korean soap drama. Han sat straight as soon as he saw Yifan and chimed a ‘welcome back!’ cheerfully, scooting further down the sofa in a silent invitation for Yifan to join him.

“How was work?” Han asked him as soon as Yifan plopped down onto the couch, taking another bite of his apple. “It was alright, as usual,” he replied as he put his messenger bag down to the coffee table, the remaining two cans of beer Henry bought for him were set beside it.

Han’s followed his hand as he reached out to take one of them. “Why do you have beers with you? You never bring beers back from work,” he asked in confusion, brows furrowing slightly.

“Oh yeah, Henry bought a six pack and we finished four already so…” he opened a can and sipped it, pulling a face when he found it lukewarm. “But these aren’t cold anymore so I’ll just put these in the fridge,” he added as he took the other can, making a move to get up.

“No, no! Let me, have some rest,” Han exclaimed and snatched the drinks out of his hands before he could protest, exchanging the beer with his apple. “Hold that for me- or you can finish it,” he said before walking away to the kitchen. Yifan stared at the apple and shrugged, taking a small bite and chewed it slowly, mind working to find the right starter for what he was supposed to say.

When Han was back he stopped on his track to look at him with squinted eyes, studying him for a while before sitting down on the couch again, taking his apple back from Yifan’s larger hand. “You look like you have something to say. Spill.”

Yifan blinked at the words, looking at Han in surprise. Did it show? Or was he just that easy to read? “I know you better than you do, Kris, so spill. I’m listening,” Han said as he folded his legs up, shifting on his seat so he can sit sideways to face Yifan, munching the core of his apple.

“Uh,” the taller man started, unsure of how to begin the conversation. “So your mother called me. And she wanted me- no, she wanted you to do a favour for her.”

“A favour?” A frown. “Why didn’t she tell me herself?”

“Because she knows that you’d tell her no, so she- uh, mandated the task to me.”

Han’s frown deepened even further. He tossed the now finished apple’s remaining to the coffee table. It bounced weakly with a soft thud. “If she knows that I’d say no then why would she bother to ask you to make me say yes? That’s stupid.”

“Just, listen. Alright?” Yifan sighed, running a hand down his face in effort to remember the words he had rehearsed before. When he saw Han sulkily shut himself up he held back a smile before continuing. “She just wanted to do her role as your mother. So whatever I’m going to ask you to do, it was in your best intentions and she only had your wellbeing in mind. Is that clear?”

No response from Han, but Yifan continued again anyway.

“She told me she had… brought up the issue of enrolling you to counselling sessions before, right? No, not a word,” he held his hand up when Han made a noise of protest as realized where this was going to entail. Han looked very much displeased but he stayed quiet, giving Yifan his time to explain once again.

“She meant well, Han, she only wanted both of you to be able to cope up properly. It had been a rough year for both of you. She only wanted you to be able to… be happy again.”

Yifan glanced at Han’s furrowed brows, shifting his gaze down to Han who was, for once, not looking at him but was looking down to his hands instead. Yifan knew that Han was thinking the same thing as well. He knew and recognized the look that was seeking for help; he saw it in his own eyes, and he saw it in Han’s as well.

“She told me she had been seeing a counsellor for a while, trying to seek help, trying to forgive,” he continued quietly and Han froze, his gaze lifted instantly to meet Yifan’s, disbelieving. “The counsellor refer her to a good colleague of his and your mother wants you to see him. Go talk to him and… get help. We both know you need it.”

“But…” Han tried to reason, shaking his head weakly. “But that person doesn’t know gege, doesn’t know me, how will he be able to help me? He doesn’t know how it feels- he would never know how it feels. Going to a counsellor won’t help me. Tell mama to stop asking and no, I won’t do it,” he scooted away from Yifan, shaking his head. “I don’t want to go and that’s final.”

Knowing that this will happen Yifan shook his head, trying to come up with the list of incentives that he could promise Han but he knew that it wouldn’t mean anything to Han. Talking to a counsellor wouldn’t work unless Han himself wanted to participate and was willing to let his walls down. If there had to be an incentive, it would be up to Han.

“How about this. Let’s make a deal then,” he said finally after a moment of silence, lifting his gaze up to meet Han’s again, holding it so that Han would know that he was being sincere, and he genuinely wanted to help him out. “One session. That’s all I ask. Go to one session, try it out, talk to the counsellor and make an effort to help yourself. One session.”

“No,” was Han’s simple answer and Yifan shook his head, unconsciously inching forward to get his point across. “One session, Han, just one. If you don’t like it, we can stop. I’d tell your mother to stop. But just one, please. For her. For yourself.”

“I don’t want to, I’ve told you that I don’t want to!” Han’s voice raising slightly, tone stern and somehow angry.

Yifan blurted out without thinking then, exasperated of trying to reason it out with Han. He knew that Han needed this badly. Han himself knew that he needed it, but his pride wouldn’t let him relent. Yifan knew that this was cruel, but if he had to do this for Han’s own well-being, then that was what he would do.

“Then do it for me. One session. For me. If you love me enough, you’d try to be better for me. One session, Han, that’s all I ask.”

Han bit his lip as it quivered, looking at Yifan with a betrayed look. He balled his fist tightly, Yifan saw his knuckles turning white at the pressure, and he shook his head in disbelief. “You can’t ask that from me, how can you be so- so cruel?”

“For your own good. I’d do anything I can to make you happy again, Han.”

“I can’t believe this…” he scoffed, although it came out shakier than it was intended to be. “Just because I confessed to you. How could you…”

Yifan stayed quiet, letting out a sigh of defeat. He knew that was very low of him to do so, but he had no other choice. He didn’t know what he expect, honestly. Did he really think that Han would oblige if he used that card on him? What kind of fool was he? He had…

He had hoped, that Han would give his consent. A small part of him wanted to hear Han saying ‘yes’, because that would affirm Han’s feelings and how far he’d do for him. But at the same time, he was just an asshole for using Han’s own feelings against him. He shouldn’t have said that. He shouldn’t even thought about it in the first place. This wasn’t a game, wasn’t a child’s play where you could just threaten someone to test their loyalty.

He regretted it now, he took a deep breath. What was done was done. He’d have to find a way to break the news to A yi-

“One session,” he heard Han spoke, and he snapped his head up. Han was looking at him with an unsure gaze, still angry but it was slowly replaced by uncertainty and fear. Yifan dumbly nodded, parroting his words. “One session.”

“But I want something from you, a favour for a favour. It should be fair. Because you used my feelings against me and you…” Han trailed off, eyes glistening for a split second but it was gone as soon as Yifan saw it. “One session for one favour. Anything. Give me your word.”

Yifan nodded again, readily this time. One favour wouldn’t hurt. He’d just find a way for Han to forgive him. He knew he crossed the line. If this favour could act as his apology then he’d agree to it wholeheartedly. “Anything. As long as you attend one session. Actually make it two. As an apology. I’m… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked you that,” he shook his head, hung in regret. “I’m sorry.”

Han looked at him for a few beats, looking like he was battling himself before he spoke again, voice surer and steadier this time.

“I want you to kiss me. Now and before the session starts. You have to kiss me like you mean it. Two favours, two kisses. One session.”

The air felt colder around Yifan because he could feel himself shiver. Of course Han would ask that from him. A tooth for a tooth, an eye for an eye. He didn’t even thought that Han was capable of asking him this… but perhaps Han was thinking the same way about him as well.

Han’s eyes was on him the entire time, gaze unwavering and determined. This was also his game to test Yifan’s loyalty. If he wanted Han to go and to be happy, like what he claimed to be, he would do it even though he didn’t want to.

You do. You know you do. You’re just like him, you know. Your pride won’t let you give.

He was stunned in his trail of thought, the familiar voice ringing in his mind. His fourteen year old self was staring at him in his mind, staring at Yifan with knowing eyes.

You promised his mother that you’d make him happy. You know you make him happy.

Yifan shut his eyes tight and contorted his face into a pained expression, taking a deep breath and exhaled it heavily. “But you need to give me your word that you will try to participate and try,” he said as he opened his eyes, tried to make his face as blank as possible. Han was looking right at him, nodding.

“Alright, then you have a deal,” he told him then, shifting his gaze away so he wouldn’t have to look at Han’s imploring gaze, although he could feel the weight of his gaze on the side of his face.

He heard a soft rustling of clothes against the leather of the sofa, and he felt Han’s hand on top of his, squeezing it gently. “Then do your part of the deal now. One kiss.”

It was his turn to bite his lip now.

Yifan slowly turned to his side, opening his eyes only slightly to know where Han is before leaning in, pressing his lips onto Han’s in a quick peck, wanting it to be over as soon as possible.

He pulled away, or was intending to, when Han’s other hand gripped the lapel of his shirt, forcing Yifan to open his eyes and meet his gaze. “One kiss now, one kiss before the session. A kiss. I will keep my end of the deal if you keep yours, Kris,” Han gripped his shirt tighter, inching in closer until they can feel each other’s breath. “Now kiss me.”

Deciding to just get the fuck over with it he surged forward, pressing his lips back to Han’s once more but this time, he let his lips savour the softness of the blonde’s own lips. When he was about to pull away again Han tugged him forward by his shirt again, tilting his head to kiss him properly, lips moving slowly against his. A blaring red sign of WARNING flashed in his mind and he could almost hear an alarm ringing through his ears.

This wasn’t supposed to happen. He wasn’t supposed to give in. He wasn’t supposed to want to give in. He wasn’t supposed to-

Han slowly slide his palm up from Yifan’s shirt to his nape, raising up to his knees so that he could kiss Yifan better. Yifan had no other choice but to respond to the change of angle, tilting his chin up slightly and breathes out to Han’s mouth. It was like their last kiss, the first kiss they shared with each other, only rougher and more… Yifan couldn’t put a word to it. He curled his fingers around Han’s fragile wrist, needing something to hold on to

It was a close-mouthed kiss. Their lips were moving against each other, parting for a split second only to meet again, awkwardness long forgotten. Before he realized it he takes Han’s lower lip between his teeth when they separated again, grazing it with his incisor. The soft gasp he emit woke Yifan up from his daze, making him focus on the sight in front of him.

“I-,” he started, unable to tear his gaze away from Han’s slightly swollen lips, the pink tint darkening into a reddish colour. Han bit his lower lip just like Yifan did not even a minute ago, and Yifan licked his lip in instinct, tasting apple on his tongue.

Then it dawned on him. They had just kissed. Voluntarily and willingly.

“I’m gonna go to bed. G-good night,” Han stammered as he got up, clumsily making his way to their shared bedroom, leaving Yifan alone in his stupor.

He licked his lip again and looked down to his hands, the one that held Han, and the one that Han held. He could still feel the ghost of warmth on his skin. He could still taste apple on his lips.

*

“So… here we are. I’ll just check you in. Yeah,” Yifan said awkwardly, hands down the pocket of his jeans and eyes darting away from where Han was. The blonde haired male nodded in reply, gaze casted down to the tip of his blue sneakers.

They were standing in front of the clinic, the plastic board above their head was written with a nice and neat inscription of ‘Zhang Liyin, MSc.’ on the very top of the white surface. Han was about to receive his first ever counselling session and Yifan knew that there was still another favour that he had to fulfil.

The air was still somehow awkward after the incident three days ago, both of them not wanting to meet each other’s’ eyes for more than necessary. Yifan had decided to forego driving and took Han to the clinic by bus instead. At least twenty minutes of being in a space with a lot of people were better than confined in a closed space for ten minutes. The bedroom was more than enough for that.

Han shuffled on his feet, fingers toying with the hem of his oversized hoodie - Yifan’s, no surprise there - and for a few seconds the silence enveloped them fully. Yifan glanced at the watch around his left wrist and sighed when it was eight minutes to 1PM, the time of Han’s appointment. He should probably be going soon, he thought, but then again…

The younger looked nervous. Of course he would. He had to spill his deepest thoughts in front of a person he barely knew in less than ten minutes. But Yifan would stay here until he made sure that Han was safely and securely inside the premises. And the counsellor had requested to meet him as well, as he was Han’s guardian.

Words wouldn’t make any difference. What they had between them now was something that had passed the line of casual friendship, way more than how they were ten months ago. What were they for each other now? He had no idea. He didn’t want to think about it. He was tired of thinking, of weighing his actions and options.

So he wasn’t really thinking it through when he stepped in closer and lifted a hand up to cup Han’s cheek, tilting his head up so he can bend in to kiss him as he promised. He felt Han’s lips stiffened due to his anxiety and he did his best to soothe him, moving his lips against Han’s, brushing them together again and again until Han’s hands were no longer fidgety, curling onto Yifan’s jacket instead. He can feel Han relaxing under his fingertips, jaw unclenching and his breath slowly steadying.

It felt normal, the soft press of Han’s lips on his. It felt nice.

After what felt like just a few seconds he pulled away, keeping the distance minimum between them, wanting to make sure that Han was ready and alright. Han looked up at him, eyes fearful but Yifan could see a new sense of calmness lurking behind it. He tried to smile to give him encouragement, and Han smiled back albeit shakily.

“You’d be fine. I’m sure you will. I’ll be around for the first time so don’t worry, alright? It was just like talking to me, but with her around. Okay? You think you can do it?” he asked in worry, telling himself that this was what Yun would do if he had to take his brother to a counsellor as well.

But he wouldn’t kiss him, fool.

He dismissed the voice in his head and smiles slightly wider when Han nodded, replying him with a small “okay”. This is only for moral support, he reasoned as he took Han’s hand into his, leading him to enter the counsellor’s office.

“Excuse me, I had an appointment under Lu?” he asked the small, dainty lady at the receptionist. She looked at her computer and clicked her mouse a few times before smiling, taking a few papers from her drawer.

“Lu Han and his guardian, I presume? First session with Counsellor Zhang?” she stood up as she held a clipboard, clipping the papers she took to the plastic surface and went around the table, gesturing them to follow her down the hall when Yifan nodded. “Just in time, follow me.”

She guided them down the small hallway and knocked the last door on the right, the name placard of “Counsellor Zhang” was seen on the upper middle of the door. He entered when the nurse opened the door for him, tugging Han to enter the room with him.

The woman behind the desk was wearing a grey long sleeved sweater under the standard white robe, hair pulled up into a ponytail on top of her head. She got up from her seat as soon as she saw them and extended a hand, which Yifan had to let Han’s hand go to shake.

“Welcome, I’m Zhang Liyin. Nice to meet you,” a soft voice was heard, and Yifan instantly felt at ease. “Wu Yifan, Han’s guardian. And this is Lu Han,” he retracted his hand back to push Han forward with a hand on the small of his back, letting Han know that he’d have his back throughout the session. Han flashed him a thankful smile after he shook her hand.

“Have a seat, please,” she smiled and gestured to the seat behind them, and three of them took their respective seats. The receptionist then slid the clipboard to the table for the counsellor to look at, excusing herself with a small bow, closing the door behind her softly.

“So! Welcome to your first session of counselling, Lu Han. How are you feeling?” the counsellor asked with a kind smile, her pen held between her fingers, ready to jot down some words even though her full attention was on Han.

“Nervous. Nauseous,” Han answered, which she laughed lightly at. “That’s of course, it’s your first session after all! So in order to loosen up… let’s come up with some ground rules alright?” she held a finger in front of her. “One, you will call me jiejie, inside or outside the premises. I’m not that old, believe me,” she said cheekily. Han laughed at the remark, much to Yifan’s relief.

“Two,” she added one finger to the equation. “You will have to tell me what to call you with so that we’re equal. What would you like to be called as?”

Han debated for a few second and glanced at Yifan before he answered. “Han is okay. But you can call me xiao lu as well. It’s a nickname.”

“Xiao Lu? Little Deer? Ah that suits you,” she grinned and nodded, pulling up a third finger. “Rule number three, you don’t need to tell me anything you don’t want to tell me. You’re allowed to say anything and nothing. I’m here to listen, to help, but I won’t demand you to speak unless you want to. Okay?”

The words seemed to stun Han because he stayed still in his seat, lips parted in surprise. “I- I thought I was supposed to…”

She shook her head and smiled at both of them. “It’s my job to make you feel comfortable enough to tell me the things you wanted to tell me. And I’m paid for this, so it’s your loss if you don’t wanna talk, actually,” she replied teasingly, winking at Yifan.

“But with that being said, I don’t work as a counsellor for the money. I want to help you, I want to make you come into terms with whatever that has been weighing you down. I want to be able to make you walk lighter and breathe easier. And without your will and determination, those things wouldn’t happen, and that would make me look very, very bad. I have a name to live up to, you know.”

Yifan chuckled at her remark, shaking his head in amusement. He was glad that Han was in good hands, at least.

“So to do that, we need some bonding time,” she clapped her hands once, taking the sheet of paper from the very bottom of the clip and kept it, then gave the rest to Yifan along with a pen. “And Mr. Wu, I’d need you to stay here and fill these data for xiao lu. And also, I need you to sign the consent form for him as he hasn’t turned 21 yet. This is only for legal purposes, to make sure that what happened in this room will stay in this room.”

He took the clipboard along with the pen and nodded, staying back in his seat as she got up from her seat once again, taking Han to the corner of the room where there was a sofa bed along with a small couch. He didn’t know if it was because of how the room was padded, but he couldn’t really make out what they were saying even though they were just ten steps away. He saw Han laid down on the said sofa bed, a couple of pillows were stuffed under his head and he laughed at something Liyin said.

This was much better than he expected. He didn’t think that being in a counsellor’s room would feel so… comfortable. A yi wasn’t joking when she said she only wanted Han to meet the best. Yifan could see why it was so easy for people to want to talk to Counsellor Zhang.

There were certificates and a few photographs framed on the wall, he observed after he finished filling the quite lengthy form up. He couldn’t really make out some of the word as he didn’t bother to wear his contacts or glasses on. He held the urge to get up and look around because he was afraid that it would deter the ongoing session.

With nothing much left to do he re-examined his answers for Han’s form, checking for anything he might had overlooked and filled them up when he found out some. He then glanced at his watch to find out that there were still a good half an hour left before the one hour session was up.

Yifan was slowly getting bored. His phone was his only companion and he played with the pen on his hand, twirling it around and doodling on the spare paper under the form that was somehow clipped to the plastic board. He was in the middle of shading a caricature of some random mythical creature when he heard movements beside him.

“Oh, done?” he asked as he lifted his head up, quickly hiding his so called drawing under the form again, tapping the pen to the plastic surface of the clipboard. Han nodded with a blank expression, but it wasn’t a bad expression which was nice.

“Someone’s tired of waiting,” Counsellor Zhang grinned, taking her seat on the other side of the table once again. She had a similar clipboard on her hand, filled with scribbles and arrows. “I hope you filled the form well, at least. Or I might have to ground you again for another hour.”

“No, ma’am. All done, ma’am,” he replied with a soft laugh, giving the form back. He belatedly realized that he hadn’t took his drawing off the board when she started flipping the pages. “Uh I might have-“

“Is this supposed to be a… duck? Man-duck? Or… Lion-lizard?” she asked with an intrigued expression, turning the clipboard around. Yifan was fucked. He felt his nape burning as he mumbled. “Aztec warrior, eagle.”

“That’s… peculiar. Unique. Definitely unique,” she hid a smile as she jotted something on the bottom on her paper, eyebrows furrowed in thought in a blink.

“So. I hope you’re okay with the session, xiao lu?” she said again after a short while, setting the clipboard beside the one she carried with her before. “I understand that this might be the last time we meet, but thank you for the things you’ve shared with me. I would never tell a soul,” she added with a soft, genuine smile.

Han fiddled with his fingers before nodding, keeping his gaze down. Yifan reached out to take them in his, telling him that it was okay, that he was being brave and Yifan could never asked for more. Han let out a shaky breath and lifted his eyes up, smiling genuinely at her.

“Thank you. For listening and for- for not asking much,” he spoke, cheeks tinted with shyness. “I thought you would- you know - ask a lot. And make me tell you everything.”

Liyin shook her head. “It’s your first session. And you’re welcome, it’s what I’m here for!” she glanced at him again, nodding at him as if she sensed Yifan’s relief. “It would be such a pity to not see you around again, xiao lu. I certainly enjoy chatting with you.”

“I did too,” Han smiled again, more relaxed this time. He bowed his head and Yifan followed suit. “Thank you.”

“You’re always welcome,” she said again, turning her attention to Yifan now. “And I need to have a few words with you before you leave, if you don’t mind.”

Yifan blinked in surprise, but he nodded anyway, taking his hand off Han’s lax ones.. Liyin then took off the stack of form Yifan filled before and left his drawing clipped there, then passed the papers to Han. “Mind to help me passing these to the lady in the receptionist, xiao lu? You can stay on the sofa and have some drink, Meilin will help you. Thank you very much.”

Han nodded again, taking the form from her and got up, casting a curious yet worried glance over both of them before he slipped out of the room, closing the door behind him softly. Yifan had his brow furrowed in confusion.

“Is this why you need me to come along with him today?” he asked, curious. “Because I’m his guardian?”

“Yes, that and because his mother - yes I talked to her personally over the phone before - told me that he looks up to you ever since he was younger. That he was very fond of you and vice versa,” she clasped her fingers together, her eyes still kind but her posture were all business and official.

“I wanted to see and check how your state is, because from what his mother told me, both of you were very taken aback by Yun’s passing. But looking at the drawing you made…” she trailed off as she turned the clipboard so it would face him, showing him his own drawing.

“There was a reason why I left you alone for the whole hour and left the blank paper on the very back,” she explained, pointing at one part of his drawing. “The shaky lines and the constant sketching mean that you were shaken, afraid, unsure, and I predicted it so. But it also showed that you’re meticulous and a perfectionist. You put a high stake on yourself and always try to keep yourself in line. To always do what you think is right and condemn the actions which you think were inappropriate. Am I right?”

Yifan could blink at her words, glancing at her then down to his drawing before shifting his gaze at her again. How did she…

“And that’s a good thing. Because you know your values and you’re very much capable of making sure than xiao lu will always be taken care off. That part is okay. But here,” she pointed out to another part of his drawing, where he left the warrior’s face deformed. He couldn’t decide on how he’d look like so he left it be. “This shows me that you couldn’t find yourself. You have a trouble with coming into terms with some of the things that happened and you don’t feel comfortable in your own skin. And that’s what worries me right now.”

“I-,” Yifan started, but couldn’t find any words to say. He felt like he was stripped down to his bones with just one simple drawing he made. His own drawing.

Liyin smiled at him instead and set her pen down, leaning towards him slightly. “You know what he felt about you, and I think I know that I could see the same thing in your eyes. Whatever happens between the two of you, it’s not my business and not my place to comment on, but I do know that helping him out through this will help you as well. You need to learn how to forgive yourself, as much as he does. I’m not saying this because I’m a counsellor but I’m saying this because he depends on you as much as you depend on him. The best help you could offer to him is to stop rationalizing your actions and do what you know is right, what you wanna do.”

He stayed quiet as she spoke, words sinking into him like a bucket of cold water. He was just doing something right by making sure that Han wouldn’t have to depend on him. And now his counsellor was telling him that he should let Han do it? And that he should return the gesture back? That he should stop thinking? It didn’t make any sense. He did what he had to do, what was right to do. He kept his promise because that was what he should do, because it was right. She couldn’t tell him to break the promise he held dear for almost a decade, she had no right to.

“Thank you,” he said, trying to keep his tone neutral. “But I don’t think that would be needed. I appreciate your concerns but I don’t see why I need to act mindlessly if I wanna make sure that Han is taken care of well.”

Liyin gave him a long, expressionless look before she sighed, pulling the clipboard back. “You know the answer, Mr. Wu. Just keep in mind that not everything is black and white. Good and bad. Right and wrong. Sometimes you just need to change your perspective and learn to let some things go. We’re just human, it’s a humane thing to make mistakes and break,” she said as she offered him a small smile.

“You’re your own person, Mr. Wu, and so are Han and his brother. You’re allowed to want to be happy. You’re allowed to be happy.”

With that she got up and made her way to the door behind her, holding it open. Yifan sluggishly stood up and bowed stiffly at her as he went out of the room, even though she followed him to the receptionist as well.

“Oh and one more thing,” she quipped as they were nearing the receptionist desk, halting her steps. Yifan followed suit and looked at her with hard eyes. She didn’t seem to be deterred in the slightest. “He had such a deep scar and one swipe of antiseptic wouldn’t heal it. I need your help to make sure that even though he wouldn’t come back here, he’d reach out to you for help.”

“That’s of course,” he answered curtly with a nod and she gave her smile in return.

They fetched Han from where he was sitting, a can of soda and a plate of cookies in front of him as he scrolled the screen of his phone down. He lifted his gaze when he sensed them coming and he jumped to his feet in an instance, bowing at her yet again.

“Thank you for today, jie. Have a nice day,” he said with his lips curled up into a smile. Yifan made his way to the door and bowed from there as well, waiting for Han to follow him. Liyin just bid them goodbye with a cheerful “you too, xiao lu. I’ll see you around!”. Yifan didn’t turn back, making his way down the small steps and walked back to the bus stop not to far away.

“What did she tell you about? Me? Did she… say anything bad?” Han asked as he fell into step beside Yifan, brows furrowed in concern and fear. Yifan glanced at him and saw Han chewing down his bottom lip again and he sighed, shaking his head.

“She just wanted me to make sure that you’re okay. What did you guys talk about?” he asked back, wanting to change the topic as fast as possible. He didn’t wanna talk about it just yet. He needed his own time to think it through.

“Oh nothing much, she wasn’t lying when she said she won’t ask much. She let me talk whatever I want. It’s nice,” Han admitted, looking down at the sidewalk. He kicked some pebbles away with the tip of his sneakers as if they were soccer balls. “Thank you for- for coming with me.”

“You’re welcome. Anytime,” was his answer, putting no effort to continue the conversation on their way to the stop. He made no comments on the ride back home as well, even when they were back home and changed to their respective clothing as well. He took a day off work again today and Han skipped the rest of his class. It was a slow afternoon and Yifan somehow felt unsettled when he shouldn’t.

The mood remained even after three days. Han was constantly seen to be deep in thought and Yifan was also submerged in Liyin’s words. There wasn’t any strain between them per se, but it was considerably quieter. They were distracted, Yifan knew, but he didn’t know why Han would be.

Liyin implied that Yifan should give in. That was the only thing that he could take from the piece of advice the counsellor gave him. He didn’t know how much did she knew, or how much of him did she manage to read, or what Han told him, but she seemed to know something better. Something that prompted her to tell Yifan.

For the past three days he had been thinking, of Liyin’s words, and also what he had done so far. It made him think back of the very reason why he couldn’t give in to what he wanted. He had been so adverse to that idea, and when he looked back to the reason why, everything pointed back to one thing. His promise.

It wasn’t that he dislike Han. In fact, it was far from it. He had been feeling this low, steady hum in his chest whenever Han was around. Even when he was fourteen, or when he was twenty three. He wouldn’t worry and care for someone this much aside from his aunt who had passed away and Yun. And the reason why he felt protective of them and why he felt that way to Han were different.

With Han, he wanted to keep him from harm, to protect him, to make sure that he felt cherished and safe and- and loved. Yifan - no, Yifan and Kris - wanted Han to be happy more than anything else in this world. They both… They both loved him, not because of the fact that he was Yun’s younger brother, but because he was Han. He had never felt this pull towards anyone else in his life before. He knew that much, now.

But when he thought again of the only reason why he wouldn’t and couldn’t accept the fact; his promise to Yun.

He could recall the exact moment when he made the promise to Yun, but he couldn’t really recall why that conversation happened between them in the first place. He remembered it was some time after their weekly basketball game with a couple of close friends. Han had always wanted to come to their games, saying that he found it really cool.

They were seated on the concrete then, both of them. They were sixteen at that time, and Han was just freshly admitted to middle school. He remembered they were both watching Han fumbling around awkwardly with the ball, with one of their friends Yixing teaching him how to properly dribble and shoot. There was a gap in his memory then, because he only remembered the part where he gave his word that he would never think of Han in a romantic way. He remembered that they were talking about something beforehand but Yifan couldn’t recall that part. Was there even any conversation to begin with?

“Kris…,” Han’s voice snapped him out of his thought, blinking to focus his gaze back to the younger. “Mm?” he replied with a hum, scooping up his rice along with some egg stir fry Han had cooked for them.

Han didn’t answer right away, toying with a piece of cauliflower on his plate before he looked up again to meet Yifan’s gaze. “I’ve been thinking.”

“We both have,” he replied quietly, mumbling the words out before he knew it. Han didn’t seem to mind his intervention though because he continued. “And I wanted to make a new deal.”

“A deal? For?” Yifan asked in confusion, lowering his spoon down back to his plate.

“I…,” Han took a deep breath. “I don’t mind attending more sessions with Liyin jie,” he said, and Yifan let out a sigh of relief. Just before he could say anything about it Han beat him by split second. “But you need to still keep your end of the deal. One kiss for one session.”

“Han,” Yifan gaped with his brow furrowed. What did it have to do with him? He thought Han was willing to go there again because he wanted to get better… but now he wanted to go because of their deal? What had Yifan done?

“It- it’s not just because of that!!” Han exclaimed with a panicked look, shaking his head frantically and waved his hand around. “It made me feel less nervous. Your kiss, I mean. You wouldn’t be there again next time, right? I just- I just need something to calm me down before the session. Please.”

Yifan sighed at the logic, closing his eyes with a frown. “I can just- I don’t know, hold your hand until you have to go. Why does it have to be a kiss?”

There was a silence from the younger male. Yifan didn’t need him to answer to know exactly why.

“Because I want you to kiss me again,” Han answered in a whisper, loud enough for Yifan to hear. “Because you would never kiss me again if it wasn’t for this deal. Because you hate me.”

“I don’t hate you, I would never hate you.”

“So you can kiss me. If you don’t hate me, if you want me to be better, you will kiss me.”

“The things you asked from me, xiao lu,” Yifan shook his head, dejected, defeated.

Han smiled bitterly, looking down to his half empty plate. Yifan’s heart clenched at the sight. “Liyin jie told me that I’m allowed to be selfish sometimes. And this is my selfish request. You won’t love me back, I know that much. If I can’t have your heart then I’m alright with having your guilt and loyalty. If I can’t have you then at least I can have my memories and feelings for my own.”

Yifan was at lost. He couldn’t utter any word, couldn’t think of anything else because his mind was in blank. His heart was breaking and he could hear the sound of it shattering on his ears. Han was supposed to be happy. Han was supposed to be smiling until his eyes crinkle. Not like this, not the smile where he looked much older than his age, where he looked defeated and beaten up.

“Your kiss makes me happy. Your touch makes me happy. Your smile makes me happy. You being happy makes me happy. You loving me makes me happy. I know I can’t ask for all of them, so let me just ask for kisses. That’s all. You don’t have to love me,” Han shook his head, chuckling dryly. “Just kiss me. I won’t ask for more.”

Yifan was supposed to make Han happy. He wanted nothing else than to make Han happy. He wished everything was as simple as that.

It was. You just need to let go and give in.

“Alright,” he agreed without thinking twice. He was tired of having to think of everything he did, of what he should and shouldn’t do, what was right and what was wrong. He was too tired to try to justify his actions and the things he didn’t do. Liyin was right. He should stop thinking. Thinking made Han unhappy, made him unhappy. He wanted Han to be happy.

“Really?” Han blinked in surprise, obviously wasn’t expecting Yifan to agree on it. Yifan nodded anyway, not wanting to say anything just yet, afraid that if he did his brain would re-activate itself and making him regretting the thing he wanted to do.

Han stood up abruptly and dashed around the table to wrap his arms around Yifan’s shoulder, burying his face to the back of Yifan’s nape. “Thank you,” he said, tightening his hold around Yifan. “I promise I won’t ask for anything else. I’ll try to be better, for mama and for you. Please don’t leave me.”

“Never,” Yifan answered, eyes closing on their own accord. It was true. The only thing he couldn’t do in this world right now was to leave Han. He’d lose everything that made him him, and Han was the only anchor he had after years of floating away. “I’d never leave you. Never.”

“Even if it’s not for me, thank you,” Han mumbled to his neck, making him shiver.

He wanted to tell him the truth - that it was because of him - but he wasn’t sure if he was ready to say it. Not now, not when he couldn’t completely come into terms with himself.

“Always,” he replied instead. “For you, always.”

*

Part V