[FOR ISHQYAUN] See Right Through Me [5/5]

[krishanthemods]

Part IV

Even though it started shaky, Yifan had somehow fell to another brand new routine. Every Thursday evening was Han’s scheduled counselling sessions with Liyin, and every Thursday Yifan would kiss Han in front of the clinic’s doorstep. It was out of necessity, he justified it for himself in the beginning. It was the only way that he could help.

(If Liyin noticed anything, she didn’t say any word on it. Yifan could see her knowing smile whenever he came by to pick Han up, though.)

He spent the one hour waiting time to walk around the neighbourhood, which he was somehow familiar with but never got the chance to explore. That one hour time he spent on his own somehow enabled him to sort his thoughts out bit by bit. It was rare that he got some time for himself, willingly. The change of scenery also brought some sort of calmness to him, somehow.

It was during this time, when he was walking alone, that he realized that he wanted this.

He wanted to be able to not feel guilty whenever he found himself looking at Han for a second too long. He wanted to wrap his arms around Han’s curled up frame as he murmured Yifan’s name in his sleep. He wanted to feel what he felt for Han without being guilty of thinking about him in that way.

He wanted a lot of things. But the one thing he wanted the most, is to be able to love Han the way he was supposed to be loved.

Promises were made to be kept, even though they were meant to be broken. Yifan didn’t want to abuse the trust Yun had given him - Yun was his best friend, and he would forever be - but he was tired of being somebody else. He was tired of wearing the strong façade Yifan always wore, tired of having to justify his every move and action, trying to be right.

He wanted to be Kris and Yifan. They were still a part of him, they were him. He realized that he detached himself from his younger self because he thought that he was an abomination for being different, because he thought that his fourteen year old self was weak. But he was the strongest person Yifan had ever knew. He had survived all of those years of whatever life had decided to throw him. The child was just afraid, now it was time to tell him that it was okay to be afraid.

Yifan was always the adult, that was what he thought initially, but an adult should not be a coward. An adult should be able to be confident in his own skin. And for that, Yifan chose to be Kris, and Kris morphed into Yifan. They were two sides of the same coin, him.

He would still feel the pang of guilt whenever Han tiptoed to meet his lips halfway, but he tried to not think about it anymore. He chose to immerse himself in the childish delight of being able to see Han’s soft smile when he opened his eyes as he pulled away.

He didn’t know if his change in demeanour had affected Han, but the younger was progressively getting better each day. He smiled more, laughed more, cried less, and feared less. Maybe it was the session with Liyin also. Han seemed to look forward to his sessions, but Yifan also selfishly, embarrassingly childish, thought that it was also because of his kisses.

The fourth week, just the week before Han’s birthday, was the week when Han had decided to forego public transport and let Yifan drove him to the campus. Han looked pale, his hands were shaking and he always took a deep breath every now and then, but he went through it until their destination without tearing up.

Yifan didn’t know what came to him, but instead of giving Han a pat on the head like he always did he leaned in to kiss Han full on his mouth. The kiss was still normal, close mouthed and familiar, but he let his lips linger over Han’s even when they pulled out a few seconds too long. There was something shifting in Han’s eyes then. His smile was brighter than the sunray.

Since then, for the whole week, Yifan rewarded Han’s improvements with soft presses of their lips. Something changed in their dynamic, in the way they stand beside each other. Han would lean to the touch on the small of his back when Yifan looked over his shoulder to check on what Han was cooking for the night. Yifan would wipe the stain on the younger’s lip as they eat, as if it was something he normally did. They would stay near each other even when Yifan was supposed to concentrate on his work and Han would need to do his endless assignments.

He smiled more too, apparently. Fei pointed out that he looked better. It made Yifan’s shoulders lighter.

So when Han’s birthday came on a Saturday, both of them had silently agreed to stay back home and celebrate the occasion with only the two of them. Han was on the phone with his mother in a lengthy conversation. It was their 6PM call. Han hadn’t bat an eyelash as when answered the phone. The blonde seemed to know this as well, because as soon as he finished the call he dashed to Yifan’s side and grinned in triumph, and Yifan kissed the wide smile on his face.

“Happy birthday,” he said again, even though he had said it earlier this morning over a surprisingly okay sandwich toast he made from scratch. “Thank you,” Han answered, even though he said the same thing as he nibbled on his sandwich that morning.

“I’m glad you’re feeling better now,” Yifan patted the younger’s cheek, the necklace he gave as a birthday present was gleaming in between Han’s exposed collarbone. He was wearing Yifan’s old varsity sweater, the fabric was pulled to one shoulder, exposing a pale stretch of skin.

“Thanks to jiejie. Thanks to you,” Han smiled with his eyes casted down, cheeks flushing with both pride and embarrassment. It was a sight Yifan would like to see until the end of his life. “Thank you for the present too. Thank you for not choosing the deer pendant too. I was getting tired of being associated with that.”

Yifan laughed lightly and shook his head, retracting his hand back. “You’re on your way of conquering yourself anyway. A crown would be more appropriate.” But he did thought of looking for a deer shaped pendant instead. Han didn’t need to know that. He should thank Henry, again, for his random suggestion. He should really give him the promotion soon.

“I like it, a lot,” Han nodded rapidly and touched his necklace yet again. He couldn’t seem to take his hand off the pendant for more than fifteen minutes. “Makes me wanna be even better so I can deserve this.”

“You already are, you’ve been trying hard. I’m glad at least everything falls into place now,” Yifan looked down as well, smiling gently.

“Let’s eat now? I’m hungry,” he said afterwards, getting up to unpack the food they ordered earlier. Han followed him silently, offering to help him to set the plates down on the table.

Han was taking small glances at him throughout the dinner and Yifan didn’t know how to respond except for offering him a smile when he did catch his eyes. That was so… not him, he knew, but it was Han’s birthday and he felt like indulging the boy with whatever he wanted.

As he was feeling quite lazy to wet himself he set the dirty dishes away on the sink to wash the next morning, choosing to take out the cake Han had picked for himself yesterday. Han happily set his own candles and let Yifan lighted them up.

“I’m twenty now,” he said, proudly. “When I blow the candle, I’m officially twenty. I’m not a teen now.”

“Then blow the candles first,” Yifan mused, holding up Han’s cellphone to take a video as per Han’s request. Kids these days.

“I have to make a wish first!!” Han made a face at him and clasped his hands together, eyes closed for a few seconds before he blew the twenty candles he had set for himself in one blow. “That means my wish will come true, right? Oh yeah,” he nodded to himself with a satisfied grin.

“Depends on what you wished for,” Yifan chuckled as he helped Han to cut the cake into two pieces, one significantly larger than the other. Han called dibs on the bigger one immediately, no surprise there.

“It was just… something simple. But…,” Han trailed off after he finished half of his cake and cut them to small pieces, toying with them and nudging the red velvet with his fork. “I don’t know if I’m even allowed to wish for it, let alone thinking about it.”

That just made Yifan even more curious, honestly. “What was it anyway?”

“Just something,” Han stubbornly said, grinning at Yifan and finished the rest of his cake off, picking up the crumbs from his plate as well. Yifan wanted to tell him that he could help himself another serving if he wanted to but the sight of Han with crumbs on the corner of his lips was too adorable to be unseen.

“You have something…,” he said, reaching out before he knew it to brush them off, licking the crumbs away from his thumb afterwards. He heard a sharp intake of breath as he did so, and his eyes lifted up to meet Han’s. A moment passed and Han tore his eyes away, mumbling about something that sounded like “throw plates away”.

When they were seated again on the living room couch there was an awkward distance between them. None of them were paying attention to the drama on the television screen, which was weird for Han because this was the drama that he followed to the T. The said young man was fiddling with his fingers on his lap instead, seemingly deep in thought and troubled. Yifan refrained from making any unnecessary comments and kept quiet instead, wondering what he did wrong.

It wasn’t like skinship was something that they would be shy about by now. Eight months of cohabitation had torn that wall down between them. Especially lately, when Yifan decided to reciprocate instead of flinching away.

“Promise me you won’t laugh?” Han mumbled out of the blue, eyes still trained down to his lap.

“Why would I? I mean, depends on what it is that you’re gonna tell me, of course,” Yifan answered with a casual shrug, glancing at the younger from the corner of his eyes.

Han stayed quiet for a few more seconds before scooting in closer to Yifan’s side, turning to his side so he can face Yifan properly. “The- the wish. What I wished for earlier.”

“Ah,” was Yifan’s only answer. It slipped his mind already, but Han’s words ignited his curiosity again. “No, I won’t laugh at you so don’t worry. Why would I?”

“Because it’s stupid and you will laugh once I told you,” he scrunched his nose at Yifan, his face contorting to a somehow funny yet adorable expression. Yifan held his breath to not sigh out loud.

“I won’t, promise. Cross my heart,” he used his finger to draw a cross just above his heart. Han looked partly amused.

“Uhm, it was- no it’s stupid, nevermind,” Han shook his head rapidly, his cheeks flushing faintly. Yifan’s curiosity was in all time high now.

“What was it? I promise I won’t laugh, I crossed my heart!”

“But it’s- fine. Just. Don’t say anything.”

Yifan nodded in consent and made a zipping gesture to his lips, eyes trained to Han’s fidgety figure, motioning him to continue.

“I wished for- for you to see me as a man. Uhm, now that I’m not- not a teen anymore,” Han took a deep breath and mumbled out softly. Yifan had to lean in closer to hear it properly. “It’s not that you don’t- uhm, treat me like one lately but- you know,” he continued, picking at the lints off his grey trackpants.

Yifan blinked at the answer, not expecting it to be about him out of all possible wishes the world has. He really had an impact on Han lately, huh? By just being himself? It was weird how Han was coping up better when Yifan was trying to let himself go.

“I know…?” he asked, softly, inquiring.

“You’re different, after my first counselling session. You were suddenly distant and all but…,” Han trailed off, biting his lower lip, a habit that Yifan would always found endearing. It had been years. “But you look happier now. Somehow. I was hoping that… that it was because of me.”

“It was just a part of me that was too wishful,” he shook his head, there was a small smile curling on his lips. “That you were happier because I made an effort to be happier too. Because I’m getting better now and you were - you are - happier. I just…,” a chuckle. “I was thinking of wishing for my feelings to go away, so I wouldn’t have to think of you this way, being so hopeful and crushing myself in the end, but this love made me better. It made me want to be a better person or you.

“So I wished for a moon. And I don’t mind if I can’t have it. You’re not meant to be owned, Kris, your love’s not meant to be owned too. I wish you could see me as an adult so I could be there to see you happy when you finally experience what I’m feeling right now for someone else, even though it’s not me.”

The picture was clearer now that he saw everything as if he was reborn, again. Han wasn’t a child anymore. He wasn’t that boy who was crying for him all those years ago. This Han, this Han whose smile was so genuine, so sincere, so full of love, for Yifan and for Kris. Yifan felt his heart clenching, beating so wild that he felt his ribcage falling down.

Han was so beautiful and Yifan fell in love all over again, helplessly, irrevocably.

He knew Han wouldn’t believe whatever he would say because he was still that stubborn eleven year old. He knew Han wouldn’t listen to what he always wanted to say because he was still as oblivious as he was ten years ago. So he acted what his heart wanted, trying to communicate in the action that delivered his feelings best, what he had been doing for the past month to finally liberate himself.

Yifan reached out a hand to cup Han’s stunned face and leaned in closer, slowly until their noses touched, their breath teasing each other’s mouth, eyes locked until Yifan closed his and pressed his lips onto Han’s.

There was a gasp and a hand that went up to the taller’s chest, clutching his shirt before a sob was heard. The sound was muffled by Yifan’s lips that were moving against Han’s slowly, softly until Han closed his eyes as well, molding his lips against Yifan’s like they had always meant to be.

“I love you,” Han whispered out faintly, desperately to Yifan’s lips, words broken by his sobs and his brimming tears. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”

Yifan couldn’t find his voice to respond, to reply, so he kissed Han deeper, stroking Han’s cheek with his thumb and brought him closer, leaning in more and more and more because he wanted more, needed more, craved for more. Han’s back met the couch in a soft thud, their lips locked and sealed together, Han’s arms holding Yifan’s shoulder close, clinging onto him as if he was clinging onto a mirage of his dream.

The kiss soon turned desperate and fiery. Yifan’s first swipe of his tongue along the seam of Han’s lower lip turned into a need to prove himself, curling and entwining it with Han’s nimble tongue. It was like a trance for the both of them, sharing the same breath and heartbeat in that moment, as if their whole being were aligned with each other’s existence. Yifan ran the tip of his tongue to the younger’s, and the moan-like gasp Han emitted set a fire burning in the pit of his lower belly, simmering steadily.

He pulled away only to dive back in again, claiming Han’s lips once more after he took a lungful of breath. He was drowning in Han, in his own blood that’s rushing on his ears, and he didn’t mind the feeling of not being in control for once. He let his body move the way it wanted to, responding to Han’s every touch from the tug of his dainty fingers on the hair on Yifan’s nape to the way he breathed out Yifan’s name as if it was a mantra. Kris, he whispered again and again. Please, if this is real, please.

Never once his lips left Han’s. Even after every breath he had to take, even when his lips began to sting, his neck protesting at the weird angle it was put through, Yifan only pulled Han closer and closer, eliminating the space between them, chest to chest and hips to hips.

It was Han that first rolled his hips up, his legs were parted in surrender, one knee hooked to Yifan’s hip. He was still crying silently and Yifan tasted the saltiness of his tears with each stroke of his tongue along the younger’s lip and mouth. It was the first time they went further, touching a territory where Yifan had put a warning sign on before, swearing to never enter. He could turn back and told Han no, or he could tug Han back to where it was safe for the both of them.

His mind and heart told him to rip the warning sign apart and let himself fall, so he did just that.

Yifan held Han’s hip then, not to still them but to encourage instead, returning the gesture by grounding his clothed desire onto Han’s. The younger’s moan made him repeating the gesture, sliding the hand from the blonde’s hip to the back of his thighs, their bodies rolling onto each other to seek for that friction that could ignite the fire in their veins even more. They both craved for that burn, releasing themselves go to let the heat consumed their being.

When Han emitted a high pitched whine from the back of his throat Yifan knew that he was very close, so he tore his lips away from the younger and leaned their foreheads together. He gazed to Han’s gleaming orbs, clouded by need, want, lust, love, and a sense of urgency they both had. He was sure that Han could see the same emotions in his eyes because the younger then jerked in his hold, rutting up to him once, twice, before his spine arched off the leather, his entire frame trembling as he came. It was the sight of Han’s pleasured expression and the sound of his erotic moan that pushed Yifan over the edge, following Han not long after the latter.

They were still staring into each other’s soul when they finally came down from their high, Han’s arms around him were solid, unyielding. Yifan saw the flicker of doubt, fear, embarrassment and a new wave of tears were threatening to fall out of the pair of doe eyes. He tilted his head up slightly to kiss the tears away from them, the touch of his lips gentle over Han’s closed eyes, a few tears escaping to roll down to his cheeks.

There was no words exchanged between them even after Yifan had cleaned both of them with his soiled shirt and dressed Han up in his briefs and sleep shirt. The air was silent, waiting, only the sound of their breathing was heard. Their eyes spoke a different story altogether, though, and so as their limbs.

Han’s head was cradled on the crook of Yifan’s neck, his arm slung over the elder’s waist loosely with his fist bunched on the back of Yifan’s shirt. Their legs were tangled under the blanket intimately as Yifan brushed a strand of Han’s hair to the back of his ear, kissing the space between his eyebrows. Han closed his eyes then, lips pressed onto Yifan’s pulse as he fell into slumber with Yifan’s heart around him.

It was the third week of April, Lu Han’s birthday, when Yifan realized that he would give everything up, including the promise he made over his blood for the man in his arms right now. He’d gladly go to hell to repent his sins if it could keep the soft smile on Han’s lips stay as long as he lived.

*

Ten months have passed in a blur for both of them, especially for Yifan. It was like everything had slowly fallen back into pieces together.

He felt guilty for breaking the promise he had kept for years, though. So he tried to play detective and find the reason why Yun proposed the idea to him. He tried to look for the ones that were in contact with Yun previous to his passing and tried to talk to them. One thing led to another and he managed to pinpoint Yixing, one of the old friends that was in close relation with both of them as he was also a basketball enthusiast back in high school.

After arranging a meeting with him in a small cozy cafe, he caught up with his old friend, reminiscing their high school glory and what they were up to after that. Yixing was now married with one of their seniors in high school, who Yifan remembered being a very good dancer with a bright smile and equally radiant personality. Apparently they had married right after Yixing graduated from university with a position in one of the country’s leading entertainment company.

“I’m glad for you man, I didn’t even know you were an item with her! And you didn’t even invite me to your wedding?” he joked, although he didn’t really mind. He did move away quite abruptly without saying proper goodbyes to people.

“I didn’t know where you were, and Yun wouldn’t tell me where you are either. I did pass Yun an invitation though and told him to bring you as his plus one because he didn’t have anyone to go with anyway,” Yixing stirred his latte with a confused frown. “Yun never told you?”

“No, he didn’t even tell me you were in contact with him all this time,” Yifan frowned even deeper. Now he knew why Yixing looked confused when Yifan asked him if he was still single or not. It didn’t make sense why Yun wouldn’t tell him about Yixing. Why would he keep Yixing away from Yifan’s knowledge?

“What about you then? Are you… you know, tied up with someone?” Yixing changed the topic then, offering the dimpled smile Yifan was accustomed to. It was comforting to know some things didn’t really change even after all these years. He chuckled and looked out the window, observing the crowd that took the opportunity of the rare cloudy day in summer. “Yeah, I am.”

Yixing whistled and wiggled his eyebrow. “And who may this lucky lady be? Do I know her?”

“Uh, you know him, yeah,” he answered after weighing his options. He didn’t wanna hide behind false pretenses of being normal anymore. The society was still not so supportive of people like him, and he could only hope that Yixing wasn’t one of them. “Yun’s younger brother, actually.”

“Han?” the raven haired male blinked and Yifan swore he could see a realization sinking on Yixing’s feature. “See? I knew it. You always had your eyes on him ever since, mate. I didn’t know why you’d hold back. The kid was always following you around everywhere with hearts on his eyes.”

It baffled him, Yixing’s words. He thought he was being subtle… Well, maybe Kris was always there in Yifan, or maybe Yifan was always Kris all along. He was glad that Yixing was supportive and accepting. He would hate to lose a friend after being separated for years.

“Yun… well you know how protective he was to Han. I didn’t wanna… breach that trust,” he answered, not really revealing the real reason why. It was only for him and Han to know, along with Yun’s ashes in the deep sea.

“Are you sure it was only because of that?” Yixing asked with a tentative voice, as if he wanted to say something but he held himself against it. “You… didn’t know a lot of things did you.”

“I don’t follow…” Yifan frowned, silently urging the other male to continue. Yixing sighed as he looked down to his cup and stayed quiet for a while. “I… had my suspicion. Why he left.”

Yifan looked at Yixing with a confused frown and he waited for him to continue. Yixing’s voice was very soft and Yifan had to concentrate on his every word in order to listen to it properly. Yixing looked… guilty?

“Xihua told me before and I didn’t believe it, but the timing was too…,” he shook his head, taking a deep breath. “We got married on January, just two weeks before Yun’s passing. We were still in our honeymoon trip so we couldn’t attend the wake and his funeral.

“I love my wife, I’ve always been in love with her ever since. Yun was the only person I confided in back then, and he promised to keep my secret safe. Xihua was the girl, you know it. I didn’t stand any chance. When Xihua and I got together he was the first person I broke the news to. I thought I was just imagining things when he looked unhappy.”

Frowning deeper at the story Yifan slowly beginning to realize something. His mind took him back to the scene where he made the promise to Yun. They were playing basketball in their high school’s court and they took a rest on the bleacher, the rest of the team was already returning back home. Yun had took Han over because their mother was out for an event for the whole evening.

He remembered that Yixing was teaching Han how to properly dribble and shoot the ball, both him and Han were laughing when Han managed to land the ball a feet away from where the ring was. Yifan knew because he would always, unconsciously, lock his gaze to Han whenever the conversation died between him and Yun. When Yun brought the topic up he turned his head to his best friend, who had his gaze directed to Yixing and Han as well. He thought that Yun was just looking out for his brother as usual.

“You know the look you make when you fall in love, Yifan. It took me Xihua to realize it. She told me that the reason why she veto-ed me back in high school was because Yun looked at me the way I looked at her. She thought that it was weird how a guy could… look another guy in that way. I thought she was just playing with me but then I realized that she was serious.

“I had my doubts since then, I tried to remember how he was before and it was suddenly clear. I never thought twice when he always showed up to my band recitals, or when he always made sure to be the first person to greet me on my birthday. I thought it was just the way he was. But then I realized that he never did that to anyone, not even you.”

To say that Yifan was surprised was an understatement. Could it be that Yun was…?

“I didn’t say anything because I wasn’t sure if it’s real, or was it just a crazy idea that Xihua planted on me. I tried to not think about the fact that he never dated anyone in the course of our friendship, and also you, but I kept quiet because I didn’t wanna cross the line, you know. So I told him that I proposed Xihua, and he was quiet over the phone. He sounded detached when he answered it, but I wasn’t thinking twice about it because I was too thrilled. Then I sent him the invitation, he attended my wedding and the next thing I know…”

Yixing shook his head and closed his eyes, the grip on his cup was slightly shaky. Yifan reached out instinctively to pat the back of his hand, offering a silent support. Yixing smiled weakly and lifted his gaze up, and Yifan knew that this was the reason why Yixing was so eager to meet him. He wanted to share this with someone, the feeling of guilt and regret. Yixing looked somehow relieved.

“I needed to tell someone. I regret that I pretended that I didn’t know anything. He was pining for me this entire time and I just… I never told him I knew or told him to move on. I didn’t even know if he was gay. I didn’t made an effort to hear his side of the story and I was just being so selfish of making my choices. I was too ignorant. I lost a friend in the process because of it. I made you lost your best friend... I’m sorry Yifan,” Yixing sighed, glancing down to his hand where his wedding band was wrapped around his ring finger. “But I love her, and as much as I was guilty for this, I want to make her happy. I’m happy now. It kills me inside to be a murderer but I wouldn’t trade her for the world, for anything.”

Yifan mumbled a quiet “I know” because he knew exactly what it felt. It was what he was feeling all along for Han. He was too ignorant to see and notice what Yun felt. Even after Yixing left the cafe he was still there, staring at his now cold coffee with a blank look.

Yun made him promise to not be with Han because he wanted Yifan to be on the same boat with him. He couldn’t be with Yixing, for reasons Yifan didn’t know, so he wanted some form of support from him as well. Or maybe he made Yifan promise because he was struggling with his sexuality like how Yifan was before. Maybe he stopped Yifan from jumping because he felt the same way as Yifan, and he saw himself in Yifan’s eyes that day. Maybe he always viewed Yifan as someone who would always understand him because of that.

Maybe he didn’t know that Han was in love with him, or maybe he did. He didn’t know the reason why he would deny his brother of his happiness, but maybe it was because he didn’t want Han to follow the same footsteps as him, to be someone who didn’t mold of the society. Maybe he loved Han to the extent of hurting him in order to keep him safe. Maybe Yun was just as selfish as Yifan in that way. Maybe Yun crashed his car on purpose because he knew that he had no other choice. Maybe he chose to end his life because he couldn’t come into terms with what he was and how he was feeling.

The thoughts stayed with him for days, weeks, and Han would always come to him with his worried look, warm hands cupping Yifan’s cheek and his soft voice asking Yifan what’s wrong, but Yifan couldn’t bear to tell him. It was Yun’s will to keep everything to himself and this was the last tribute that Yifan could do for him. Yun didn’t want Han to know and both he and Yixing would keep Yun’s secret to his grave.

The realization opened his eyes to what the world was. Every person had their own reasons, and everyone had their own demons. Yifan and Han conquered theirs, but Yun wasn’t so fortunate. Nobody could see through his facade, his mask, and maybe that was one of the reasons why he chose to let go. Both Yifan and Yun were alike in that way, both were always so into themselves and neglecting the world around them because of it. He wished he could’ve been there for Yun. He could’ve helped… but everything won’t turn out to be the way it was today if he did.

He missed Yun, he was his best friend after all, and he just wished they could talk more without being afraid. He didn’t regret the fact that his ignorance showed him the way to Han. He loved Han as much as Yun loved Yixing, maybe. Had the circumstances be different, in another world, maybe both of them could have a drink and laugh over their stupidity. It was a wishful thinking.

His demon tore his being out, yes, but the shards of his broken soul was put together again, glued together with Han’s laughter and chaste kisses. Han found himself again, ceasing his visit to Liyin four months ago when he felt he was finally liberated, thanking Liyin profusely for her help and support. Yifan was also there, offering his sincere gratitude for her. If it wasn’t for her he wouldn’t have it in his heart to hold Han’s waist like this, to caress the small of his back and smiled as their eyes met.

“I’m glad,” Liyin said on their last visit, her smile sincere and warm as always. Yifan wished she would find someone who would cherish it as much as he and Han did. “You two deserve to be happy. I’m glad you found it in each other.”

“Thanks to you,” Han returned the smile, his gaze more confident and sure compared to the first one he flashed her all those months ago. Yifan was never prouder. “He’s right. Thank you for waking me up,” he added to Han’s words genuinely.

“I was just the catalyst. I’m sure both of you would find your way to each other even without me,” she waved her hand in dismissal, her cheeks flushed with the praises they had showered her earlier.

“I hope I can still see you around, xiao lu,” she said then as she stood up, shaking their hand for the last time as Han’s counsellor. It didn’t feel like a farewell, because it wasn’t a farewell. Some goodbyes are new hellos, they can now talk to Liyin as equals, as friends.

“I hope I’m still in your wedding invitation mailing list!” Han laughed and Yifan seconded the idea. Liyin shoved them out of her office after that. Very anticlimactic, somehow. But life went on.

Yun’s second death anniversary materialized in front of them and they went to the beach to pay a visit to him. Their tradition said that they let the dead’s ashes mingle with the ocean as water was the source, the mother of life. It was to complete the cycle of birth, from water back to the water. It was only appropriate that they both went there to renew themselves.

Yifan held Han’s hand in a firm grip, their fingers entwining with each other’s as they walk along the shore. It was still very cold and the wind was unforgiving so they couldn’t stay back for a long time. But they made use of the very short time to convey what they wanted to say to their beloved, their other half.

“I hope you’re happy there, ge. I’m... I’m happy with Kris now, and I love him. I didn’t know why you made him promise that, it was so cruel of you. But for whatever reason that is, I just wanted you to know that I can take care of myself fine and Yifan has been taking care of me even better. Please forgive him, because I forgave you for leaving. You love me, ge, and I hope that reason alone will justify what I’m asking from you. I learned that love is selfish and selfless at the same time. I just wish you were here to learn that with me. I miss you, I will always do. I love you.”

Yifan glanced at Han’s now brown strands as the wind was playing with them. Gone was the child who was blaming himself for something that was out of his control. He was now replaced by a man who was confident, outspoken, and forgiven by his own self. Yifan had watched the transition from that child to this man before his own eyes, and that made him feel ashamed of himself.

It took him a long time to be able to fully come into terms with himself. He could now truly love Han the way he should be loved, fearlessly and wholeheartedly, and he found himself wanting to spend more time to learn how to be himself again with Han until the day fate allowed him to. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with this man, whose heart was so pure and loving that Yifan forgave himself for it.

“Your turn,” Han tugged on his hand, taking him back to the present. He nodded his head and turned to face the sea, to face the remnants of the man he owed his life to, the one that led him to his life beside him now.

He couldn’t find the words he had prepared beforehand in his mind. Guilt was slowly filling his chest and throat now that he realized why they’ve came here all along. It was for Yifan to finally let go of the last string he still held onto. Han squeezed his hand gently, stepping closer to lean against his shoulder. Yifan returned the gesture and kissed the top of Han’s head in a silent gratitude.

“I just wanted to say thank you and sorry. For everything. If it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t be here right now, and if it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t be able to meet Han. You were my saviour, and Han was my saviour too. I was his saviour and I wish I could’ve been yours too. I… still didn’t know why you chose to end your life that way when you held me back that day, but you have your reasons. I wouldn’t have judged you for it and I would be there for you no matter what, but what was done was done.”

He took a deep breath and let the cold air seep into his airway and bones, the chill somehow calmed him down along with the presence of Han by his side. It urged him to continue.

“You made me promise that I wouldn’t even think of Han in that way. I wasn’t sure of what you meant even until now and I assumed that it was you forbidding me to - to love him. I said yes because at that time you were the most important thing in my life. But now it was him and you were gone. I felt so guilty, so suffocated, so disgusted of myself when I finally took the decision and step away from the walls I’ve built around me, but I couldn’t regret it, not when I have him by my side.

“We were best friends, Yun, and we’ll always be. You made Yifan promised, but that Yifan and I are no longer the same people. I’m his Kris now. I choose to not bury the past but let it shape me to who I am today instead. It took me time and I wish you were here to see it. I could’ve helped you as well. To apologize and ask for your blessing in person…,” he shook his head, sighing.

“I broke my promise to make Han happy. That was what we have always wanted. I will go to hell and let you do whatever you want to me for breaking this, but let me spend the rest of my life making sure that he’s smiling, Yun. Your mother gave her son away when you left, so please let us have your blessing now, brother. You can have my word on this. This will be the last promise between us that I will keep.”

Yifan brushes his thumb over Han’s gloved knuckles when he felt Han’s hand trembling. He didn’t make any move to see Han because he knew that this was his time. Han would hate for Yifan to see him cry again, so he chose to turn a blind eye. Just for today.

“See you on the other side, Yun. We’ll come back soon. Take care,” was his last words before he let out his breath, blinking the prickling sensation on the back of his eyes away before leading Han to his car that was parked not too far from where they were now.

Han was able to ride the car normally now. He would still make sure that Yifan was extra careful whenever he drove in this kind of weather by nagging at him and paying attention to the road like a CCTV camera. He just wanted to make sure that Yifan wouldn’t end up dead and blue, Yifan knew. It was one of his ways to tell Yifan that he loved him.

He never said those words back to Han, even until now. He wasn’t sure what made him hold himself back to say it back to Han, but he felt that it didn’t matter when he knew that Han knew what he felt. He wasn’t a man of words, he expressed himself better through actions. He told Han he loved him by pulling him closer as he slept at night, by patting his head on times he felt like indulging the younger, by kissing Han’s insecurities away from every inch of his body and leaving himself on his track instead, filling Han up with all of him.

Han never asked for him to say it back either. He somehow had a feeling that Han was waiting, but he was content with what he had now. Both of them were. But today was the day they were both reborn, and he wanted to be able to whisper it to Han’s smile as their lips met.

The ride back home was silent save from the radio, and Justin Timberlake’s Mirror was playing. The lyrics had never made sense to Yifan before, but he could somehow relate to it now. Han was his mirror, his reflection, someone who was as broken as him but mended him together as a whole. They were two pieces to a complete puzzle. They were two that had conform into one. He saw himself in Han’s eyes and he was sure that Han could see the same thing too.

The song was stuck in his head even after it was over. They walked into their apartment hand in hand, making a beeline for their room to change their clothes after they took their coats off. Yifan stayed on the doorway, looking at how Han navigated himself around the room as he took his multiple layers of shirt and sweater off until his pale back came into sight. Yifan could imagine a pair of wings emerging from his jutting shoulder blades.

He took off his clothes in silence as well, eyes never leaving Han’s frame. Han was like a dream that was too good to be true. He didn’t deserve someone as beautiful as Han, and he told him this almost every day. Han’s response was always a laugh, a joke, or a simple “I think of you that way too”. The latter always left his heart clenching even after hearing it countless times now. They were too alike in so many ways.

Han grabbed one of Yifan’s sweater and was about to wear it when a pair of arms were circling his bare waist, a familiar warmth pressing onto his back. It was familiar, warm, and welcomed. He leaned back to a broader chest, eyes closed as he felt a chin on top of his head.

“You were very brave. I’m proud of you,” he said, patting the arm on his waist gently before sliding it sideway, curling his fingers in between Yifan’s larger ones. “Thank you for doing this for me.”

“You’re always welcome,” Yifan whispered, pressing his lips to the soft hair, inhaling the scent of the sea and Han’s shampoo, along with his own cologne. Han smelled like the world. Han smelled like love.

The silence was back once again, but Yifan basked in it, trying to find it in himself to finally say the three words that made him who he was, that he would keep until he was to meet Yun deep in the waters. Han swayed them side to side, shifting on his feet as if he was dancing with Yifan, humming the familiar tune of Mirrors under his breath.

“I love you,” Yifan said then, simply with no pretenses. It was right. This was right. The words flowed from his lips with no resistance at all. He regretted not saying it sooner.

Han stilled his movements for a few beats before squeezing Yifan’s hand. Yifan couldn’t see Han’s expression, but he knew that Han was smiling that small smile of his, where his face softened and his eyes casted down. Yifan knew without even looking and it made him smile as well, resting his cheek onto Han’s crown of head, continuing to sway them side by side, tightening his hold onto the younger’s slim waist.

You are the love of my life, my other half, mine.

Yifan recited those words in his mind and out loud to Han when he turned around, hands lifted up to cup Yifan’s cheek in his palm softly, his smile widening as he stroke Yifan’s cheek as if he was the one who couldn’t believe that the other was his, not the other way around. His eyes were studying Yifan’s facial features, his expressions, his emotions before he looked into Yifan’s eyes, and Yifan could see himself in those orbs. Han could always see right through him. Always, after all this time.

“I know,” Han whispered back before standing on his tiptoes, tilting his head up as Yifan leaned down to meet him halfway. Yifan was happy, complete, and in love.

-end-