(no subject)
Today, was a good day, the night on the other hand, was kinda lame.
Got up at 7 and went to uni, just got back and 10:45pm, it was a long day but it was ok, felt a bit energised for some reason.
On the drive back from uni, which takes a while, and it was dark, just started thinking about alot of things.
I ended up thinking about violence, and what i would do in certain situations, and also started thinking about various things me and my friends have done in the past.
I ended up feeling really really stressed out i guess. Actually, i think the phrase would be wrung out, just felt tired and weary of it all.
I have a lot to deal with right now is all i think, more then the usual crunch time workload. Last week, i just felt like giving up and going home, quitting all this and just putting my life off in a new direction.
I have to do alot of uni assessments in a short amount of time, i have to deal with a fucked up plane schedule thing with tickets no thanks to a mistake i made, i keep making Morgan angry, Centrelink is hounding my ass, my mother is gouging money out of me every fortnight, and in general i just feel like a shitty uni bum, which i am i guess heh.
So yes, it just feels like more and more concerns are being thrown my way.
Also, have to think about living here, there might be a moving option to think about, which is doing my head in as well.
woohoo, thats that section done, a whiny little piece it was too.
I also started thinking about passion.
Morgan directed me to a link, which i had entirely forgotten about really, and it was this:
http://kulkan-rinlack.livejournal.com/22784.html
Its one of my entries of course, which i had totally forgotten about, and then was reminded of.
I just read it again, after i finished the above sentence.
I thought about that entry, and various other random entries which i have written with equal passion, which seem to be few and far between these days.
I don't really know where i'm going with this. I just feel sad i guess.
I feel like this place is making influencing me into a person i don't wish to be. I want my patience back, i want my empathy back, i want my optimism and energy back.
Where did that wonderful creative energy that i always used to feel go?
I feel like a shadow of my former self, of my past self. I still care about my friends, it's just that i know that they're set on a different path then me. Eventually we will go our separate ways, and the chances of us seeing each other again are slim. Strangely, i don't feel much about that.
Maybe because its what happens in life? I know it will happen eventually.
I still miss my friends, and those times we had together heh. Alot of good times.
Eh, passion is a wonderful thing isn't it?
I think its the environment i'm in, uni and this household. I just feel kinda detached from it all, not quite drifting, but im not exactly energetic about it all. The only things that maintain my interest is messing around with my friends here, going to friday night lans, driving, and the fear of failing. I do not wish to fail.
Suprising to me, perhaps most of all, was that for the first 2/3 of last friday, which i spent at the usual lan with the other 30-40 people, was boring.
Like really boring, i half wanted to just leave early and go to sleep or something. Then a few other friends arrived and we had a competition thing and we kicked ass and i had a good time from then on.
I was just shocked that i could feel half bored off my ass while messing around like that.
I guess because up until some other mates arrived, everyone was just too easy to play against.
Heh, i want that passion back. The only time i feel great anymore is when im back in Broken Hill, with Morgan, going around all our friends house and just having fun.
I remember writing all those great entries of mine at like 3 in the morning, when i was half delirious with fatigue, and alot of my inhibitions werent there and i didnt care.
Now i really have no idea where im going here.
I was just angry, and sad, and possibly upset, just thinking about a whole goddamn bunch of random situations i could find myself in, and kind of drove my mood into the ground.
I stopped, but not before i realised that i am alone.
Here in this place, i can only really rely on myself, with any sense of self worth anyway. I know, if i needed to, my friends here would go to hell and high water to help if it was necessary, but i wouldnt wanna do that, it would be too much.
I don't give my family much credit at all for some reason here. And appealing them in case of emergencies makes my skin crawl for some reason.
I think that, if i really needed help, the people would go to would be Myrddin's parents. They are some of the most decent people i have met, and i like them alot. I had a dinner at Myrddin's house, and for the first time in my life, i saw Grace performed/said with my very own eyes. It was strange.
Anyway, i just feel like eh if im in a situation where i need help, the first 2 options i need to have ready is that i can help myself.
I dont count everyone else outside of newcastle because help from you all would just be cumbersome to give.
I also thought about death, which i didn't like at all, as in those close to me, not myself. What would i do?
Overall this entry is nothin but downhill emotions i guess, and of course turns out to be damn huge.
I want my creative energy back, i need it for the novel im going to write after all.
Later all
Got up at 7 and went to uni, just got back and 10:45pm, it was a long day but it was ok, felt a bit energised for some reason.
On the drive back from uni, which takes a while, and it was dark, just started thinking about alot of things.
I ended up thinking about violence, and what i would do in certain situations, and also started thinking about various things me and my friends have done in the past.
I ended up feeling really really stressed out i guess. Actually, i think the phrase would be wrung out, just felt tired and weary of it all.
I have a lot to deal with right now is all i think, more then the usual crunch time workload. Last week, i just felt like giving up and going home, quitting all this and just putting my life off in a new direction.
I have to do alot of uni assessments in a short amount of time, i have to deal with a fucked up plane schedule thing with tickets no thanks to a mistake i made, i keep making Morgan angry, Centrelink is hounding my ass, my mother is gouging money out of me every fortnight, and in general i just feel like a shitty uni bum, which i am i guess heh.
So yes, it just feels like more and more concerns are being thrown my way.
Also, have to think about living here, there might be a moving option to think about, which is doing my head in as well.
woohoo, thats that section done, a whiny little piece it was too.
I also started thinking about passion.
Morgan directed me to a link, which i had entirely forgotten about really, and it was this:
http://kulkan-rinlack.livejournal.com/22784.html
Its one of my entries of course, which i had totally forgotten about, and then was reminded of.
I just read it again, after i finished the above sentence.
I thought about that entry, and various other random entries which i have written with equal passion, which seem to be few and far between these days.
I don't really know where i'm going with this. I just feel sad i guess.
I feel like this place is making influencing me into a person i don't wish to be. I want my patience back, i want my empathy back, i want my optimism and energy back.
Where did that wonderful creative energy that i always used to feel go?
I feel like a shadow of my former self, of my past self. I still care about my friends, it's just that i know that they're set on a different path then me. Eventually we will go our separate ways, and the chances of us seeing each other again are slim. Strangely, i don't feel much about that.
Maybe because its what happens in life? I know it will happen eventually.
I still miss my friends, and those times we had together heh. Alot of good times.
Eh, passion is a wonderful thing isn't it?
I think its the environment i'm in, uni and this household. I just feel kinda detached from it all, not quite drifting, but im not exactly energetic about it all. The only things that maintain my interest is messing around with my friends here, going to friday night lans, driving, and the fear of failing. I do not wish to fail.
Suprising to me, perhaps most of all, was that for the first 2/3 of last friday, which i spent at the usual lan with the other 30-40 people, was boring.
Like really boring, i half wanted to just leave early and go to sleep or something. Then a few other friends arrived and we had a competition thing and we kicked ass and i had a good time from then on.
I was just shocked that i could feel half bored off my ass while messing around like that.
I guess because up until some other mates arrived, everyone was just too easy to play against.
Heh, i want that passion back. The only time i feel great anymore is when im back in Broken Hill, with Morgan, going around all our friends house and just having fun.
I remember writing all those great entries of mine at like 3 in the morning, when i was half delirious with fatigue, and alot of my inhibitions werent there and i didnt care.
Now i really have no idea where im going here.
I was just angry, and sad, and possibly upset, just thinking about a whole goddamn bunch of random situations i could find myself in, and kind of drove my mood into the ground.
I stopped, but not before i realised that i am alone.
Here in this place, i can only really rely on myself, with any sense of self worth anyway. I know, if i needed to, my friends here would go to hell and high water to help if it was necessary, but i wouldnt wanna do that, it would be too much.
I don't give my family much credit at all for some reason here. And appealing them in case of emergencies makes my skin crawl for some reason.
I think that, if i really needed help, the people would go to would be Myrddin's parents. They are some of the most decent people i have met, and i like them alot. I had a dinner at Myrddin's house, and for the first time in my life, i saw Grace performed/said with my very own eyes. It was strange.
Anyway, i just feel like eh if im in a situation where i need help, the first 2 options i need to have ready is that i can help myself.
I dont count everyone else outside of newcastle because help from you all would just be cumbersome to give.
I also thought about death, which i didn't like at all, as in those close to me, not myself. What would i do?
Overall this entry is nothin but downhill emotions i guess, and of course turns out to be damn huge.
I want my creative energy back, i need it for the novel im going to write after all.
Later all