What You Wish For (Chapter 7)
Title: What You Wish For
Author: alliterationhor
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Spoilers: Kurogane's backstory (volume 13).
Rating: PG-ish
Status: 7/12 chapters.
Author's note: flashbacks!
Fanfic archive here.
Comments/concrit appreciated.
Previous chapters: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12
What You Wish For
Keep all the secrets under the bed
Open the curtains, forget what I said
-Guster, What You Wish For
Chapter Seven
Fai was in the garden when a little yellow bird flew down to him.
“Chii! Chii!” it chirped.
Fai held up his hand and the bird alighted on his finger. “Hello, lovely.” He looked into the eyes of the bird that shared Chii’s soul. “You have found me, then?”
“Chii!”
Fai stroked a fingertip over her glossy feathers. “Is everything alright?”
The yellow bird ruffled its feathers happily. “Chii! Chii! Chii!”
Fai smiled, relieved. “It is good to see you again, lovely. You will let me know, will you not?”
“Chii!”
The little yellow bird spread its wings and took flight again, circling once around him before rising up higher and disappearing over the treetops.
* * *
“Daft.”
“Hm?”
“As in I sometimes wonder if you are.”
Fai laughed softly.
“Deficiency, as in mental.”
“Debauch.” Fai grinned. “As in I’d like you to.”
Kurogane shoved the wizard’s shoulder lightly. “You’re not allowed to guess. You know your middle name. Dumbass.”
“Delicious.” Fai nibbled on the ninja’s shoulder. “As in you taste ...”
“Distract. As in I won’t let you.”
“Drift.” Fai said, and trailed one light fingertip down the well-muscled chest beside him on the bed. “As in I’d like to shag now if you get my.”
“More of an avalanche than a drift.” Kurogane caught the wandering hand and held it against his stomach. “Drama, as in you’re a queen.”
Fai giggled. “Donkey, as in you’re an ass!”
“Demented. As in evidence suggests you are.”
“Dumpling, as in I’m your little.” Fai pronounced, wriggling on top of Kurogane with a sexy, smirking look on his face.
“Distance.” Kurogane murmured. One of his hands brushed blond hair out of blue eyes. “As in you keep your.”
Fai looked away. Then his voice came, almost so quiet it could not be heard, “Doomed.”
Fai rolled away from the ninja. Kurogane followed, laying with half of his weight on top of the other man. His hands grasped Fai’s and pulled them up beside his head, hands gentle around wrists and thumbs pressing into pale palms.
“Duo. As in you and me.”
But Fai’s eyes did not believe him.
“We should sleep, Kuro-sama.”
That was always how Kurogane knew when Fai really did not want to talk to him-no stupid nicknames.
“Fine. Don’t talk to me.” He let go of the mage, settled his shoulders into the pillows and closed his eyes. “But you will tell me one day.” he promised, meaning much more than Fai’s middle name.
Fai rolled over and laid his head on Kurogane’s shoulder, snuggling up to him all the same.
* * *
As Kurogane approached the door to Tomoyo’s sitting room, he heard a light, musical voice coming from inside. He paused outside the door, listening, and heard something that sounded like, “do virgins taste better than those who are not? Are they saltier, sweeter, more juicy or what? Do you savour them slowly, gulp them down on the spot?”
“What the hell are you doing?!”
Tomoyo looked up as Kurogane charged into the room. “Kurogane-”
“I was teaching Tomoyo-chan a song!” Fai exclaimed.
“A song.”
“A funny song about dragons. And virgins! ‘We’ll simply make sure there’s no virgins at all’!”
“That is not an appropriate song to be teaching the princess.” Kurogane said in a sharp, dangerous voice.
Kurogane was nearly shaking with rage, and Fai frowned.
“It is nothing to get so upset about-”
“He is not upset over just the song.” Tomoyo interrupted quietly. “You should tell him, Kurogane.”
Kurogane remained silent. But he glanced at Tomoyo and nodded, giving permission.
Tomoyo kept her eyes on Kurogane as she spoke: “There was a time when there were a lot of monsters in this country. Kurogane’s father was one of those who fought and protected this land from those monsters. His father was killed by one of the monsters, and Kurogane witnessed it. His mother was murdered the same day.” Her voice was quiet and very sad. “He was still very young.”
Fai was very still. “I am sorry, Kurogane-sama.”
Kurogane glanced over at Tomoyo again, but looked away quickly. “You didn’t know.”
“I will not sing that song again.”
“Do whatever the hell you want.” Kurogane muttered, and left.
Fai stared after him.
“He should be alone for awhile.” Tomoyo said, even though she knew Fai knew this. “Before you seek him out.”
“Yes.” Fai sighed. “He never told me.”
“Does that surprise you?”
“Not at all. I never asked him about his past.” Fai drew a shaky breath. “Because I did not want to talk about mine.”
Fai had never asked because if Kurogane had answered, Kurogane would have expected answers from Fai in return. Fai realized now how very selfish that was.
“Are you ready, now, to be honest with him?” Tomoyo questioned gently.
Fai was still staring at the empty space where Kurogane had stood. “I do not know if I have that much courage.”
Tomoyo sighed. “Fai-san. If I may make one suggestion?”
“Please.”
“Try not to make the same mistakes over again.”
“Yes, Tomoyo-hime.”
Fai decided; it was time.
* * *
“Who taught you how to smile that way you do?”
“... Chii.”
Kurogane had learned that the best time to get answers out of Fai was right before he went to sleep (chances improved greatly if Fai had had alcohol). Of course Fai did not always answer, it was easy for him to just pretend to be asleep.
But Kurogane would ask, and sometimes Fai would answer.
“Who’s Chii?”
“Chii is ...”
Kurogane could not detect any logical pattern to which questions Fai chose to answer. It seemed to depend on no more than Fai’s whim. Which did not bother him on the nights he got answers; but really annoyed him on the nights he did not get answers.
“A girlfriend?”
Fai laughed softly. “No. Chii is not easy to explain. She’s a friend. A very special person to me.”
Sometimes Kurogane had to wait over several nights for Fai to give him enough answers to piece a whole story together. He hoped this was not one of those nights.
“She was ... once a kitten.”
And sometimes Fai was relatively talkative and he still did not make much sense.
“She was a cat?”
“Mmm. I transfigured her into a human.”
Sometimes, Kurogane was not sure whether the answers he got were truth.
“You made a human out of a cat?”
“Animals have souls too. Just as you cannot bring someone back to life after they have died, you cannot create a new soul from nothing.”
“And Chii taught you that smile?”
“I needed a friend. And I’d never really had one before. Chii was scared, when I was angry or unhappy. She liked it when I smiled. So even when I was angry or unhappy, I smiled for Chii.”
“She didn’t know the difference?”
“She knew. But she believed that if I could smile even when things weren’t alright, it meant that it would get better eventually.” Fai smiled sleepily. “And when I was around Chii, sometimes my smiles were real.”
Fai turned over and cuddled up against Kurogane’s side, sighing a long, deep sigh. Kurogane knew he would get no more answers that night.
Sometimes, Kurogane knew Fai was telling him the truth.
* * *
Fai found Kurogane where he thought he would, leaning against Esmeralda and looking out at the lake.
It was sunset, and the sky was a blaze of red and gold and orange and bright pink over dark treetops.
Fai stepped up next to Kurogane, gazing out at the lake without seeing it. What he was looking at was dimensions away.
Still not far enough that it could not hurt him, though. Never far enough.
Fai stood very still, keeping his voice as even and unemotional as he could as he told the story:
“I was eight years old when my magic first started to manifest itself. By the time I was nine years old, it was too strong, and I could not control it. I could make it do many things I wanted, but I could not stop it from doing things I did not want. One day I got into a fight with another boy, and he died. I do not even remember what the fight was about. I only remember that I was so angry ...”
“My parents sent me to the High Mage at the castle of the King. He was a good man. He tried to teach me. But I was angry, and young, and arrogant, and very stupid. When I refused to learn, he put a marking on me to restrict my magic. I hated him for that. And he died.”
“The King banished me. I tried to go home, but my parents were afraid of me. Afraid of what I could do, and afraid of what would happen to them if they aided a criminal. So I left. I can still see the flowers dying around me as I walked through my mother’s garden.”
“Years later, I was walking by the side of the road, and a carriage stopped. A man got out and offered me a ride. He was ... I could feel the magic coming off of him in waves. His presence felt like-pure power. It was ... intoxicating. He introduced himself as Prince Ashura and said that he had been looking for me for a long time.”
“He took me to his castle and gave me anything I wished. He took the marking off my back. He taught me magic, true magic. He accepted me. For the first time in a very long time, I was happy. Too happy to mind him using me, happy enough to turn a blind eye when his father died suddenly.”
“After Ashura became King, he set out to conquer the kingdom closest to us. And the next kingdom, and the next. And I ignored his lust for power and his blood-thirst because I ... I thought he could do no wrong. I was still very stupid.”
“Ashura used the music I composed for him to control the minds of those who heard my music. A mind can be broken into and destroyed, like a home. When someone listens to music, their mind opens. It becomes vulnerable. The door is left unlocked. And Ashura used that moment of vulnerability to steal inside and take everything that made them a person, leaving them with nothing but his will. I did not figure this out for many years; Ashura told me that he was only using my music to give his soldiers a copy of my physical skills.”
“One day when he was hearing reports, the messenger mentioned my village by name, Veren. He said that there were no survivors. When I confronted Ashura about it, he said ... He said that he had not thought I would care. It was only then that I saw his true face. Only then I realized what a cold, cruel person he was. He was so cold.”
“I left. I rode to my village, but there was nothing left but smoke and ruins. Bodies, piled and burned. My mother and my father, my brother and my sisters. They would have had families of their own by then. There was nothing left.”
“I did not return to Ashura’s castle. I rode as far away as I could, but everywhere I went there was nothing but Ashura’s destruction. There was nowhere else to go. Finally I knew I had to go back. I knew he had to be stopped. Because he would never stop. I knew I was not strong enough, I knew that he would kill me if I resisted him. But I knew there was no one else left who had any chance at all of defeating him.”
“So I went back. I ... apologized. For leaving. Ashura welcomed my return, but as punishment for my departure, he put the marking on me again. But I was happy to have it. It did ... restrict my magic. But I had learned much control by then, and because of that control the marking ... focused my magic. In a sense, it made my magic even stronger. It also weakened Ashura’s magical influence over me. His magical influence over me had been very strong. I would not have been able to seal him without that marking on me, and I came to cherish it.”
“It took years, I read every book in his library-every book he had plundered from every kingdom-before I found a way to seal him. Even then, I could not kill him. By the time I was able to imprison him in the enchanted sleep-it was not a victory.”
“Ashura’s War had lasted many years. And many people had died. Too many to count. I may never have raised a sword in Ashura’s War, but I am just as responsible for every death.”
Fai exhaled a long breath, too afraid to look over at Kurogane. But even if Kurogane hated him for the rest of his life, at least it was over now. At least it was done. At least he had finally given Kurogane what he had asked for so many times: honesty.
It was somewhat of a relief, that this secret, this confession, was out now. Whatever the consequences would be.
“Well then. Now you know.”
Kurogane was silent for a long, long moment. Fai waited, expecting judgment.
“How can you hold yourself responsible for another man’s actions?”
Fai blinked, certain he had heard wrong. “Sorry?”
Kurogane turned to face him, arms crossed. His eyes were not accusing or angry. “You said it yourself-you never raised a sword in Ashura’s War.”
“Ashura used me-he used my magic to aid his war. And I let him.”
“If he wanted a war,” Kurogane reached up and smoothed the single tear track from Fai’s cheek, “he would have done it with or without you.”
“But he did it with me.”
“And you stopped him.”
“But I did not defeat him. I could not kill him.” Fai’s voice was angry. He turned away from Kurogane, facing the dark part of the sky. “Ashura’s War is not over. One day he will wake from his sleep. I know. This-” He threw up his arms to indicate everything, “is just an intermission.”
“Maybe the fact that you could not kill him was your strength, not your weakness.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” Fai asked, his voice now low and defeated.
Kurogane sighed. He stepped over to where Fai was standing with his shoulders bowed as if he was waiting for the guillotine to drop.
“Hey.”
Fai’s face was dark and his long hair masked his eyes.
Kurogane rolled his eyes. His hand was firm but gentle as he grabbed Fai’s chin and forced the stupid mage to look up into his eyes. “Stop expecting me to hate you.”
Fai blinked several times in surprise. “What?”
“I don’t hate you.” Kurogane stated. He let go of Fai’s chin.
“You-Why not?”
“You should stop punishing yourself for someone else’s actions. It seems very stupid to me. Adding more misery to the scale is not going to make it balance out. If you want to atone, you should live the best life you can live, and you should try to make other people’s lives better too.”
Fai frowned. “How would I do that?”
“You’re smart and you’re skilled. You could teach people those things you know. Languages. Archery. How to use a staff and fight the way you do. You could teach people how to make those foul-smelling poultices you brew for healing; how to make that disgusting banana soup.”
At that moment, Fai realized why he had never told Kurogane the truth. It was not because he had expected to be hated for it. It was because he had known, somehow, that Kurogane would offer him a kind of forgiveness. And he had not been ready for that-then.
Fai was ready now, to accept this forgiveness. He was ready to accept this kind of permission to live again.
Fai framed Kurogane’s face with both hands and kissed the taller man’s forehead. “Thank you, Kurogane-sama.”
Kurogane did not move away. “All I did was tell you something you were too stupid to figure out yourself.”
Fai let his hands drop. “Yes.”
“Well, then.” Kurogane nodded. “Tomorrow.”
Fai found himself smiling and did not know why. “What is tomorrow?”
“Tomorrow you’ll join me for my lessons, and help me teach.”
“Thank you.”
“You should get some sleep. I won’t go easy on you.”
“You never have.”
Kurogane wondered what that meant. But he had the feeling that he was not supposed to know; so he did not ask.
Fai was two steps away when he remembered something and turned around. “By the way. It is just ‘D’.”
“What’s ‘D’?”
“My middle name. It does not stand for anything. It is just ‘D’.”
Kurogane frowned, a bit confused at the randomness of the offered information. “I didn’t ask.”
Fai just shrugged and smiled. “Just in case you ever wondered.”
Kurogane nodded. “Goodnight.”
“Goodnight, Kuro-pi.”
As Fai walked away, he realized why he was smiling; he was happy.
* * * * *
Song credit: Brobdingnagian Bards - Do Virgins Taste Better (please do not download if you have had a family member eaten by a dragon/comparable monster).
Fai's music: Lux Aeterna is what I imagine Fai would play for the armies before they would go off to war. That song just feels like a battle, and it’s bloody gorgeous. For the rest of his music, Enaid - Authur's Farewell is a what I imagine. It would also be one of Ashura's favourites, because it would showcase Fai's talents on many different instruments.
Because I spent far too much time thinking about this, and there were so many more details than would fit into Fai's monologue, there was going to be a director's commentary to Fai's speech. But since I have now written a lot of those scenes, instead there's a prequel! But that's gonna be after this epic monster of angsty doom is finished. ; D
Author: alliterationhor
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Spoilers: Kurogane's backstory (volume 13).
Rating: PG-ish
Status: 7/12 chapters.
Author's note: flashbacks!
Fanfic archive here.
Comments/concrit appreciated.
Previous chapters: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12
What You Wish For
Keep all the secrets under the bed
Open the curtains, forget what I said
-Guster, What You Wish For
Chapter Seven
Fai was in the garden when a little yellow bird flew down to him.
“Chii! Chii!” it chirped.
Fai held up his hand and the bird alighted on his finger. “Hello, lovely.” He looked into the eyes of the bird that shared Chii’s soul. “You have found me, then?”
“Chii!”
Fai stroked a fingertip over her glossy feathers. “Is everything alright?”
The yellow bird ruffled its feathers happily. “Chii! Chii! Chii!”
Fai smiled, relieved. “It is good to see you again, lovely. You will let me know, will you not?”
“Chii!”
The little yellow bird spread its wings and took flight again, circling once around him before rising up higher and disappearing over the treetops.
* * *
“Daft.”
“Hm?”
“As in I sometimes wonder if you are.”
Fai laughed softly.
“Deficiency, as in mental.”
“Debauch.” Fai grinned. “As in I’d like you to.”
Kurogane shoved the wizard’s shoulder lightly. “You’re not allowed to guess. You know your middle name. Dumbass.”
“Delicious.” Fai nibbled on the ninja’s shoulder. “As in you taste ...”
“Distract. As in I won’t let you.”
“Drift.” Fai said, and trailed one light fingertip down the well-muscled chest beside him on the bed. “As in I’d like to shag now if you get my.”
“More of an avalanche than a drift.” Kurogane caught the wandering hand and held it against his stomach. “Drama, as in you’re a queen.”
Fai giggled. “Donkey, as in you’re an ass!”
“Demented. As in evidence suggests you are.”
“Dumpling, as in I’m your little.” Fai pronounced, wriggling on top of Kurogane with a sexy, smirking look on his face.
“Distance.” Kurogane murmured. One of his hands brushed blond hair out of blue eyes. “As in you keep your.”
Fai looked away. Then his voice came, almost so quiet it could not be heard, “Doomed.”
Fai rolled away from the ninja. Kurogane followed, laying with half of his weight on top of the other man. His hands grasped Fai’s and pulled them up beside his head, hands gentle around wrists and thumbs pressing into pale palms.
“Duo. As in you and me.”
But Fai’s eyes did not believe him.
“We should sleep, Kuro-sama.”
That was always how Kurogane knew when Fai really did not want to talk to him-no stupid nicknames.
“Fine. Don’t talk to me.” He let go of the mage, settled his shoulders into the pillows and closed his eyes. “But you will tell me one day.” he promised, meaning much more than Fai’s middle name.
Fai rolled over and laid his head on Kurogane’s shoulder, snuggling up to him all the same.
* * *
As Kurogane approached the door to Tomoyo’s sitting room, he heard a light, musical voice coming from inside. He paused outside the door, listening, and heard something that sounded like, “do virgins taste better than those who are not? Are they saltier, sweeter, more juicy or what? Do you savour them slowly, gulp them down on the spot?”
“What the hell are you doing?!”
Tomoyo looked up as Kurogane charged into the room. “Kurogane-”
“I was teaching Tomoyo-chan a song!” Fai exclaimed.
“A song.”
“A funny song about dragons. And virgins! ‘We’ll simply make sure there’s no virgins at all’!”
“That is not an appropriate song to be teaching the princess.” Kurogane said in a sharp, dangerous voice.
Kurogane was nearly shaking with rage, and Fai frowned.
“It is nothing to get so upset about-”
“He is not upset over just the song.” Tomoyo interrupted quietly. “You should tell him, Kurogane.”
Kurogane remained silent. But he glanced at Tomoyo and nodded, giving permission.
Tomoyo kept her eyes on Kurogane as she spoke: “There was a time when there were a lot of monsters in this country. Kurogane’s father was one of those who fought and protected this land from those monsters. His father was killed by one of the monsters, and Kurogane witnessed it. His mother was murdered the same day.” Her voice was quiet and very sad. “He was still very young.”
Fai was very still. “I am sorry, Kurogane-sama.”
Kurogane glanced over at Tomoyo again, but looked away quickly. “You didn’t know.”
“I will not sing that song again.”
“Do whatever the hell you want.” Kurogane muttered, and left.
Fai stared after him.
“He should be alone for awhile.” Tomoyo said, even though she knew Fai knew this. “Before you seek him out.”
“Yes.” Fai sighed. “He never told me.”
“Does that surprise you?”
“Not at all. I never asked him about his past.” Fai drew a shaky breath. “Because I did not want to talk about mine.”
Fai had never asked because if Kurogane had answered, Kurogane would have expected answers from Fai in return. Fai realized now how very selfish that was.
“Are you ready, now, to be honest with him?” Tomoyo questioned gently.
Fai was still staring at the empty space where Kurogane had stood. “I do not know if I have that much courage.”
Tomoyo sighed. “Fai-san. If I may make one suggestion?”
“Please.”
“Try not to make the same mistakes over again.”
“Yes, Tomoyo-hime.”
Fai decided; it was time.
* * *
“Who taught you how to smile that way you do?”
“... Chii.”
Kurogane had learned that the best time to get answers out of Fai was right before he went to sleep (chances improved greatly if Fai had had alcohol). Of course Fai did not always answer, it was easy for him to just pretend to be asleep.
But Kurogane would ask, and sometimes Fai would answer.
“Who’s Chii?”
“Chii is ...”
Kurogane could not detect any logical pattern to which questions Fai chose to answer. It seemed to depend on no more than Fai’s whim. Which did not bother him on the nights he got answers; but really annoyed him on the nights he did not get answers.
“A girlfriend?”
Fai laughed softly. “No. Chii is not easy to explain. She’s a friend. A very special person to me.”
Sometimes Kurogane had to wait over several nights for Fai to give him enough answers to piece a whole story together. He hoped this was not one of those nights.
“She was ... once a kitten.”
And sometimes Fai was relatively talkative and he still did not make much sense.
“She was a cat?”
“Mmm. I transfigured her into a human.”
Sometimes, Kurogane was not sure whether the answers he got were truth.
“You made a human out of a cat?”
“Animals have souls too. Just as you cannot bring someone back to life after they have died, you cannot create a new soul from nothing.”
“And Chii taught you that smile?”
“I needed a friend. And I’d never really had one before. Chii was scared, when I was angry or unhappy. She liked it when I smiled. So even when I was angry or unhappy, I smiled for Chii.”
“She didn’t know the difference?”
“She knew. But she believed that if I could smile even when things weren’t alright, it meant that it would get better eventually.” Fai smiled sleepily. “And when I was around Chii, sometimes my smiles were real.”
Fai turned over and cuddled up against Kurogane’s side, sighing a long, deep sigh. Kurogane knew he would get no more answers that night.
Sometimes, Kurogane knew Fai was telling him the truth.
* * *
Fai found Kurogane where he thought he would, leaning against Esmeralda and looking out at the lake.
It was sunset, and the sky was a blaze of red and gold and orange and bright pink over dark treetops.
Fai stepped up next to Kurogane, gazing out at the lake without seeing it. What he was looking at was dimensions away.
Still not far enough that it could not hurt him, though. Never far enough.
Fai stood very still, keeping his voice as even and unemotional as he could as he told the story:
“I was eight years old when my magic first started to manifest itself. By the time I was nine years old, it was too strong, and I could not control it. I could make it do many things I wanted, but I could not stop it from doing things I did not want. One day I got into a fight with another boy, and he died. I do not even remember what the fight was about. I only remember that I was so angry ...”
“My parents sent me to the High Mage at the castle of the King. He was a good man. He tried to teach me. But I was angry, and young, and arrogant, and very stupid. When I refused to learn, he put a marking on me to restrict my magic. I hated him for that. And he died.”
“The King banished me. I tried to go home, but my parents were afraid of me. Afraid of what I could do, and afraid of what would happen to them if they aided a criminal. So I left. I can still see the flowers dying around me as I walked through my mother’s garden.”
“Years later, I was walking by the side of the road, and a carriage stopped. A man got out and offered me a ride. He was ... I could feel the magic coming off of him in waves. His presence felt like-pure power. It was ... intoxicating. He introduced himself as Prince Ashura and said that he had been looking for me for a long time.”
“He took me to his castle and gave me anything I wished. He took the marking off my back. He taught me magic, true magic. He accepted me. For the first time in a very long time, I was happy. Too happy to mind him using me, happy enough to turn a blind eye when his father died suddenly.”
“After Ashura became King, he set out to conquer the kingdom closest to us. And the next kingdom, and the next. And I ignored his lust for power and his blood-thirst because I ... I thought he could do no wrong. I was still very stupid.”
“Ashura used the music I composed for him to control the minds of those who heard my music. A mind can be broken into and destroyed, like a home. When someone listens to music, their mind opens. It becomes vulnerable. The door is left unlocked. And Ashura used that moment of vulnerability to steal inside and take everything that made them a person, leaving them with nothing but his will. I did not figure this out for many years; Ashura told me that he was only using my music to give his soldiers a copy of my physical skills.”
“One day when he was hearing reports, the messenger mentioned my village by name, Veren. He said that there were no survivors. When I confronted Ashura about it, he said ... He said that he had not thought I would care. It was only then that I saw his true face. Only then I realized what a cold, cruel person he was. He was so cold.”
“I left. I rode to my village, but there was nothing left but smoke and ruins. Bodies, piled and burned. My mother and my father, my brother and my sisters. They would have had families of their own by then. There was nothing left.”
“I did not return to Ashura’s castle. I rode as far away as I could, but everywhere I went there was nothing but Ashura’s destruction. There was nowhere else to go. Finally I knew I had to go back. I knew he had to be stopped. Because he would never stop. I knew I was not strong enough, I knew that he would kill me if I resisted him. But I knew there was no one else left who had any chance at all of defeating him.”
“So I went back. I ... apologized. For leaving. Ashura welcomed my return, but as punishment for my departure, he put the marking on me again. But I was happy to have it. It did ... restrict my magic. But I had learned much control by then, and because of that control the marking ... focused my magic. In a sense, it made my magic even stronger. It also weakened Ashura’s magical influence over me. His magical influence over me had been very strong. I would not have been able to seal him without that marking on me, and I came to cherish it.”
“It took years, I read every book in his library-every book he had plundered from every kingdom-before I found a way to seal him. Even then, I could not kill him. By the time I was able to imprison him in the enchanted sleep-it was not a victory.”
“Ashura’s War had lasted many years. And many people had died. Too many to count. I may never have raised a sword in Ashura’s War, but I am just as responsible for every death.”
Fai exhaled a long breath, too afraid to look over at Kurogane. But even if Kurogane hated him for the rest of his life, at least it was over now. At least it was done. At least he had finally given Kurogane what he had asked for so many times: honesty.
It was somewhat of a relief, that this secret, this confession, was out now. Whatever the consequences would be.
“Well then. Now you know.”
Kurogane was silent for a long, long moment. Fai waited, expecting judgment.
“How can you hold yourself responsible for another man’s actions?”
Fai blinked, certain he had heard wrong. “Sorry?”
Kurogane turned to face him, arms crossed. His eyes were not accusing or angry. “You said it yourself-you never raised a sword in Ashura’s War.”
“Ashura used me-he used my magic to aid his war. And I let him.”
“If he wanted a war,” Kurogane reached up and smoothed the single tear track from Fai’s cheek, “he would have done it with or without you.”
“But he did it with me.”
“And you stopped him.”
“But I did not defeat him. I could not kill him.” Fai’s voice was angry. He turned away from Kurogane, facing the dark part of the sky. “Ashura’s War is not over. One day he will wake from his sleep. I know. This-” He threw up his arms to indicate everything, “is just an intermission.”
“Maybe the fact that you could not kill him was your strength, not your weakness.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” Fai asked, his voice now low and defeated.
Kurogane sighed. He stepped over to where Fai was standing with his shoulders bowed as if he was waiting for the guillotine to drop.
“Hey.”
Fai’s face was dark and his long hair masked his eyes.
Kurogane rolled his eyes. His hand was firm but gentle as he grabbed Fai’s chin and forced the stupid mage to look up into his eyes. “Stop expecting me to hate you.”
Fai blinked several times in surprise. “What?”
“I don’t hate you.” Kurogane stated. He let go of Fai’s chin.
“You-Why not?”
“You should stop punishing yourself for someone else’s actions. It seems very stupid to me. Adding more misery to the scale is not going to make it balance out. If you want to atone, you should live the best life you can live, and you should try to make other people’s lives better too.”
Fai frowned. “How would I do that?”
“You’re smart and you’re skilled. You could teach people those things you know. Languages. Archery. How to use a staff and fight the way you do. You could teach people how to make those foul-smelling poultices you brew for healing; how to make that disgusting banana soup.”
At that moment, Fai realized why he had never told Kurogane the truth. It was not because he had expected to be hated for it. It was because he had known, somehow, that Kurogane would offer him a kind of forgiveness. And he had not been ready for that-then.
Fai was ready now, to accept this forgiveness. He was ready to accept this kind of permission to live again.
Fai framed Kurogane’s face with both hands and kissed the taller man’s forehead. “Thank you, Kurogane-sama.”
Kurogane did not move away. “All I did was tell you something you were too stupid to figure out yourself.”
Fai let his hands drop. “Yes.”
“Well, then.” Kurogane nodded. “Tomorrow.”
Fai found himself smiling and did not know why. “What is tomorrow?”
“Tomorrow you’ll join me for my lessons, and help me teach.”
“Thank you.”
“You should get some sleep. I won’t go easy on you.”
“You never have.”
Kurogane wondered what that meant. But he had the feeling that he was not supposed to know; so he did not ask.
Fai was two steps away when he remembered something and turned around. “By the way. It is just ‘D’.”
“What’s ‘D’?”
“My middle name. It does not stand for anything. It is just ‘D’.”
Kurogane frowned, a bit confused at the randomness of the offered information. “I didn’t ask.”
Fai just shrugged and smiled. “Just in case you ever wondered.”
Kurogane nodded. “Goodnight.”
“Goodnight, Kuro-pi.”
As Fai walked away, he realized why he was smiling; he was happy.
* * * * *
Song credit: Brobdingnagian Bards - Do Virgins Taste Better (please do not download if you have had a family member eaten by a dragon/comparable monster).
Fai's music: Lux Aeterna is what I imagine Fai would play for the armies before they would go off to war. That song just feels like a battle, and it’s bloody gorgeous. For the rest of his music, Enaid - Authur's Farewell is a what I imagine. It would also be one of Ashura's favourites, because it would showcase Fai's talents on many different instruments.
Because I spent far too much time thinking about this, and there were so many more details than would fit into Fai's monologue, there was going to be a director's commentary to Fai's speech. But since I have now written a lot of those scenes, instead there's a prequel! But that's gonna be after this epic monster of angsty doom is finished. ; D