Comments | lacruciverbiste: possible week 2 entry. in progress.

lacruciverbiste

possible week 2 entry. in progress.

Aug 09, 2008 13:01

"You stupid fucking bitch!"

Steven barreled at me as the last word exploded from his mouth. His hand was around my neck before I could react. I felt his fingers coil and constrict like a python, felt the walls of my windpipe collapse and touch. I reached up and futilely clawed at his fingers, my bare feet tap-dancing on the hardwood floor. Black ( Read more... )

Comments 17

Edit 1 triplescorpio August 17 2008, 18:13:06 UTC

Hi! I'm your primary editory this week. I think the only grammar flaw was pointed out in one of the previous comments, so I'll just move on to content edit ( ... )

aisling87 August 21 2008, 16:38:37 UTC

Hello. I'm your secondary editor for this week. If you'd like to read a little bit about my editing style, you may do so here.

Really nice verbs -- "barreled," "exploded" "clawed" "tap-dancing" etc.

When you say "I knew two things clearer than I've ever known anything," and then you go on to explain the first thing, I think it takes away from the shock value and contrast of the two thoughts. I do like the information presented there, but I wonder if you could find another place for it. Consider something like this for the realizations:

As I swung in and out of consciousness with each thump, I knew two things clearer than I've ever known anything:

1) I knew it was my last night alive.

2) I knew that I was going to kill him. (You could easily take the numbers out by just adding a conjunction, but I kind of like the listed feeling the numbers give to it ( ... )