Tell me where we go from here 1/?
Prolog
Chapter 1
Dean sat in his room, thinking. He had the pictures in hand, the meager outcome of his life. He knew other people had albums over albums of pictures, of birthdays and weddings and all day life, but all Dean had was this hand full of single pictures. Not even special ones. Snapshots taken on a whim. But he knew exactly when and under which circumstances every single one had been taken. He knew it was pathetic to hang on to some old pictures like this and he liked to pretend that Sam didn't know he was keeping them but they weren't quite in the order he liked to keep them so he was pretty sure Sam had found them while he'd been away. But as long as they both pretended that Sam didn't know and that Dean didn't know that Sam knew, everything was fine. They were good at pretending.
Dean set the pictures aside, mind wandering to the more recent events. While he had been a demon he wouldn't have cared about stupid pictures, about family. Hell, he had told that asshole to shoot Sam. Okay, he knew that Sam was a big boy and could take care of himself but Dean just wanted to punch the demon version of himself for abandoning Sam like that.
But Sam hadn't abandoned Dean. Dean had no idea why he had been so persistent but he had just plainly refused to give up, to let Dean go. While he had been a demon Dean had thought of it as pathetic and naive, now it warmed his heart. Not so long ago Sam had told him to the face that he wouldn't try to save him at all costs and that had hurt, more than Dean was willing to ever admit. However, Sam had gone length to bring his brother back, had crossed some pretty dark lines and Dean knew that it wasn't healthy for both of them but damn it felt good that Sam cared this much for him.
And Cas. Cas had come for him. How had he phrased it so long ago?
Dean remembered the barn. Their cute little attempt to call out an angel. Cas had made quite an entrance back then, Dean had to admit.
"I'm the one who griped you tight and raised you from perdition." Dean could almost hear Cas' voice and it send shivers down his spine.
"And that stupid bastard did it again." Dean shook his head when he remembered how Cas had hugged him like he was a three-year-old throwing a temper tantrum. And just like that he'd carried a kicking and spitting Dean back to the dungeon where Sam completed the ritual.
Dean remembered the pain as well. The blood Sam had injected in his vein had burned its way through his body, setting it on fire on the inside, and for a while Dean hadn't been sure if his brother was killing him there. Judging by the haunted look he saw in Sam's eyes he hadn't been sure either but there was no turning back.
It had been become human or die. Thinking back Dean was grateful for that. He had enjoyed his demon part and he may had held on to a shred of his moral compass but he knew it had only been a matter of time until that too would have been gone and he would have killed just for his own pleasure. He was glad that Sam had brought him back before that happened.
What he'd done as a demon hadn't been his best but he could live with it. He could still look at himself in the mirror and he had Sam to thank for that, he knew that, his brother had brought him back in time.
A knock at his door interrupted his thoughts. Sam had brought him food earlier, a silent way to say welcome back, and was probably sleeping by now, so the only person who would knock at his door was Cas. Since he couldn't just appear wherever he wanted anymore Cas had adapted to things like doors. Which was a good thing and Dean would never admit that he kinda missed him just popping in whenever he wanted, usually way too far into Dean's personal space.
"Yeah." Dean hurried to put the pictures away, there was no need to let Cas see them. It was stupid but Dean needed this little secrets.
Can't play with open cards, can't I?
Cas came in and had a quick look at Dean.
"You look terrible."
Dean could only chuckle at that. "You know, it wouldn't kill you to lie every now and again."
"No, it wouldn't kill me." Cas answered in that earnest way of his.
Yeah, that wouldn't kill him, Dean thought bitterly, but there was still this little problem with his grace. He hadn't forgotten about that.
Looking at him now, Dean noticed something, though.
"Well, you, on the other hand, you …" He cleared his throat. "You're looking good. So …" He paused, thinking of the possible reasons for Cas' recovery. "… are you back?"
"At least temporarily." Cas answered as vaguely as Dean had expected. So not his own grace back in place.
Figures, it never was that easy. Cas said something about Crowley and stolen grace but he didn't go into detail and if he was honest, Dean didn't want to know.
"There's a female outside in the car." Cas suddenly changed the topic.
"Oh." That was unexpected. "Do I know her?" Dean tried to keep his tone even. Of course Cas could and would see other people but bringing somebody here? That made it way too real for Dean's liking. And of course it was a female. Inwardly Dean sighed but on the outside he didn't let on to the sting of jealousy he was feeling.
"I think you remember Hannah." Cas answered after a moment, keeping a watchful eye on Dean as if he was worried about Dean's reaction to that statement.
"Yeah" Oh, he remembered her just fine. "Made you chose between me and your army."
"That's her." Cas confirmed but didn't elaborate why they were working together again. Last time Dean had seen her she had been pretty determined to cast Cas out when he had refused to kill Dean.
"I still think you made the wrong choice there." Dean said. Cas had given up his whole army just to save one guy. Cas could be a stubborn bastard, maybe that was the reason he fit in so well with the Winchesters, but that move had been plain stupid.
"It was the only choice." Cas answered matter-of-factly and Dean hurried to change the topic before he could read a deeper meaning into this.
"Well, thank you for, ehm …, stepping in when you did." Dean said awkwardly. He'd never been good at saying thank you. So with that out of the way he brought them back to save ground.
"What does Sam say? Does he want a divorce?" He asked, only partly joking. He wouldn't blame Sam if he didn't want to see him ever again. He remembered the hurtful things he'd said to Sam. Words meant to hurt and knowing Sam as well as he did, he had known exactly what buttons to push. He had seen the effect on Sam's face, had seen how much his words hurt, how deep they cut, and he had enjoyed it.
"I'm sure Sam knows that whatever you said or what you did, that wasn't really you." Cas answered and Dean opened his mouth to point out that that wasn't true, it had been him, but Cas cut him off before he could get the words out.
"It certainly wasn't all you."
"I tried to kill him, Cas." He couldn't get over that fact. He had taken the hammer and he'd Jack Nicholson'ed Sam though the bunker with the clear intent to kill him. Dean had enjoyed the chase and would have killed him if Sam's reflexes hadn't been this good.
"Dean, you two have been through so much." Cas sighed a little. "Look, you're brothers."
In the end it always came down to that. They were brothers.
"It'd take a lot more than trying to kill Sam with a hammer to make him want to walk away." Cas added and Dean couldn't help but shake his head to that with a smile.
"You realize how screwed up our lives are that that even makes sense?" Dean chuckled but then sobered up. "I'm glad you're here, man."
They looked at each other for a moment.
There was something in Cas' expression, in his posture, just something, that responded with the lingering effect of his demoniac nature in Dean or maybe with the Mark or maybe he was just sick of missed chances.
And even if he was reading this wrong, it would take more to make Cas walk away, he was pretty sure about that. Things might become a little awkward for a while but in the end nothing would change. Or it would, for the better, but he would never know if didn't try.
"Oh, fuck it." Dean growled, done with thinking and worrying. He acted.
Dean closed the distance between them and took Cas' head between his hands, just to make sure the angel wouldn't run like a frightened rabbit, then he brought their mouths together.
Lips brushed over lips and Cas just stood there without doing anything. Dean kept their lips together, not quite ready to let go, trying to memorize every little detail. The texture of Cas' lips, the light feeling of stubble against his skin, Cas' scent. Dean knew this was a one time only thing and that he was lucky that Cas wasn't smiting him on the spot so he drew this out for as long as he dared before he let go of him and stepped back.
Cas just looked at him, eyes wide and with clear confusion written over his face.
"Sorry." Dean said, taking another step back. He couldn't look Cas in the eye so he turned around, rubbing the back of his head awkwardly.
"I thought that you … but you didn't … so … I'm sorry." He took a deep breath. "Just forget about this, okay?" He almost pleaded.
"Dean." Cas said and Dean knew he was searching for the right words to tell him to go and fuck himself.
"Forget it, Cas." Dean begged. "I'm just stupid."
"You're not stupid." Cas said it as if he was offended by that thought. "Don't apologize for the things you want."
"I want you." The words burst out of him before he had time to think about them. Over the last few weeks he'd become used to just say what was on his mind and this was what he got out of that now.
Awesome. Dean gritted his teeth.
"Forget it, Cas." He repeated. Anger took over, he needed to end this before it could spin out of control and hurt them both. "Hannah is waiting outside, you should go now."
Cas didn't move, just watched him with his thoughtful eyes.
"Do you want me to leave?"
No, but I need you to, was the answer on Dean's mind but he couldn't bring the words out. He had kicked Cas out before and he hadn't liked it one bit then either.
"I don't want to leave." With that Cas stepped closer and after one last look at Dean he mirrored Dean's action from earlier. He took Dean's head between his hands, angled their heads and brought their lips together.
Dean was stunned for a second but then he parted his lips and invited Cas' probing tongue in. When they parted their faces were still only inches apart and Dean just wanted to lose himself in those blue eyes.
"Stay." Dean said.
Chapter 2
Masterpost
Chapter 1
Dean sat in his room, thinking. He had the pictures in hand, the meager outcome of his life. He knew other people had albums over albums of pictures, of birthdays and weddings and all day life, but all Dean had was this hand full of single pictures. Not even special ones. Snapshots taken on a whim. But he knew exactly when and under which circumstances every single one had been taken. He knew it was pathetic to hang on to some old pictures like this and he liked to pretend that Sam didn't know he was keeping them but they weren't quite in the order he liked to keep them so he was pretty sure Sam had found them while he'd been away. But as long as they both pretended that Sam didn't know and that Dean didn't know that Sam knew, everything was fine. They were good at pretending.
Dean set the pictures aside, mind wandering to the more recent events. While he had been a demon he wouldn't have cared about stupid pictures, about family. Hell, he had told that asshole to shoot Sam. Okay, he knew that Sam was a big boy and could take care of himself but Dean just wanted to punch the demon version of himself for abandoning Sam like that.
But Sam hadn't abandoned Dean. Dean had no idea why he had been so persistent but he had just plainly refused to give up, to let Dean go. While he had been a demon Dean had thought of it as pathetic and naive, now it warmed his heart. Not so long ago Sam had told him to the face that he wouldn't try to save him at all costs and that had hurt, more than Dean was willing to ever admit. However, Sam had gone length to bring his brother back, had crossed some pretty dark lines and Dean knew that it wasn't healthy for both of them but damn it felt good that Sam cared this much for him.
And Cas. Cas had come for him. How had he phrased it so long ago?
Dean remembered the barn. Their cute little attempt to call out an angel. Cas had made quite an entrance back then, Dean had to admit.
"I'm the one who griped you tight and raised you from perdition." Dean could almost hear Cas' voice and it send shivers down his spine.
"And that stupid bastard did it again." Dean shook his head when he remembered how Cas had hugged him like he was a three-year-old throwing a temper tantrum. And just like that he'd carried a kicking and spitting Dean back to the dungeon where Sam completed the ritual.
Dean remembered the pain as well. The blood Sam had injected in his vein had burned its way through his body, setting it on fire on the inside, and for a while Dean hadn't been sure if his brother was killing him there. Judging by the haunted look he saw in Sam's eyes he hadn't been sure either but there was no turning back.
It had been become human or die. Thinking back Dean was grateful for that. He had enjoyed his demon part and he may had held on to a shred of his moral compass but he knew it had only been a matter of time until that too would have been gone and he would have killed just for his own pleasure. He was glad that Sam had brought him back before that happened.
What he'd done as a demon hadn't been his best but he could live with it. He could still look at himself in the mirror and he had Sam to thank for that, he knew that, his brother had brought him back in time.
A knock at his door interrupted his thoughts. Sam had brought him food earlier, a silent way to say welcome back, and was probably sleeping by now, so the only person who would knock at his door was Cas. Since he couldn't just appear wherever he wanted anymore Cas had adapted to things like doors. Which was a good thing and Dean would never admit that he kinda missed him just popping in whenever he wanted, usually way too far into Dean's personal space.
"Yeah." Dean hurried to put the pictures away, there was no need to let Cas see them. It was stupid but Dean needed this little secrets.
Can't play with open cards, can't I?
Cas came in and had a quick look at Dean.
"You look terrible."
Dean could only chuckle at that. "You know, it wouldn't kill you to lie every now and again."
"No, it wouldn't kill me." Cas answered in that earnest way of his.
Yeah, that wouldn't kill him, Dean thought bitterly, but there was still this little problem with his grace. He hadn't forgotten about that.
Looking at him now, Dean noticed something, though.
"Well, you, on the other hand, you …" He cleared his throat. "You're looking good. So …" He paused, thinking of the possible reasons for Cas' recovery. "… are you back?"
"At least temporarily." Cas answered as vaguely as Dean had expected. So not his own grace back in place.
Figures, it never was that easy. Cas said something about Crowley and stolen grace but he didn't go into detail and if he was honest, Dean didn't want to know.
"There's a female outside in the car." Cas suddenly changed the topic.
"Oh." That was unexpected. "Do I know her?" Dean tried to keep his tone even. Of course Cas could and would see other people but bringing somebody here? That made it way too real for Dean's liking. And of course it was a female. Inwardly Dean sighed but on the outside he didn't let on to the sting of jealousy he was feeling.
"I think you remember Hannah." Cas answered after a moment, keeping a watchful eye on Dean as if he was worried about Dean's reaction to that statement.
"Yeah" Oh, he remembered her just fine. "Made you chose between me and your army."
"That's her." Cas confirmed but didn't elaborate why they were working together again. Last time Dean had seen her she had been pretty determined to cast Cas out when he had refused to kill Dean.
"I still think you made the wrong choice there." Dean said. Cas had given up his whole army just to save one guy. Cas could be a stubborn bastard, maybe that was the reason he fit in so well with the Winchesters, but that move had been plain stupid.
"It was the only choice." Cas answered matter-of-factly and Dean hurried to change the topic before he could read a deeper meaning into this.
"Well, thank you for, ehm …, stepping in when you did." Dean said awkwardly. He'd never been good at saying thank you. So with that out of the way he brought them back to save ground.
"What does Sam say? Does he want a divorce?" He asked, only partly joking. He wouldn't blame Sam if he didn't want to see him ever again. He remembered the hurtful things he'd said to Sam. Words meant to hurt and knowing Sam as well as he did, he had known exactly what buttons to push. He had seen the effect on Sam's face, had seen how much his words hurt, how deep they cut, and he had enjoyed it.
"I'm sure Sam knows that whatever you said or what you did, that wasn't really you." Cas answered and Dean opened his mouth to point out that that wasn't true, it had been him, but Cas cut him off before he could get the words out.
"It certainly wasn't all you."
"I tried to kill him, Cas." He couldn't get over that fact. He had taken the hammer and he'd Jack Nicholson'ed Sam though the bunker with the clear intent to kill him. Dean had enjoyed the chase and would have killed him if Sam's reflexes hadn't been this good.
"Dean, you two have been through so much." Cas sighed a little. "Look, you're brothers."
In the end it always came down to that. They were brothers.
"It'd take a lot more than trying to kill Sam with a hammer to make him want to walk away." Cas added and Dean couldn't help but shake his head to that with a smile.
"You realize how screwed up our lives are that that even makes sense?" Dean chuckled but then sobered up. "I'm glad you're here, man."
They looked at each other for a moment.
There was something in Cas' expression, in his posture, just something, that responded with the lingering effect of his demoniac nature in Dean or maybe with the Mark or maybe he was just sick of missed chances.
And even if he was reading this wrong, it would take more to make Cas walk away, he was pretty sure about that. Things might become a little awkward for a while but in the end nothing would change. Or it would, for the better, but he would never know if didn't try.
"Oh, fuck it." Dean growled, done with thinking and worrying. He acted.
Dean closed the distance between them and took Cas' head between his hands, just to make sure the angel wouldn't run like a frightened rabbit, then he brought their mouths together.
Lips brushed over lips and Cas just stood there without doing anything. Dean kept their lips together, not quite ready to let go, trying to memorize every little detail. The texture of Cas' lips, the light feeling of stubble against his skin, Cas' scent. Dean knew this was a one time only thing and that he was lucky that Cas wasn't smiting him on the spot so he drew this out for as long as he dared before he let go of him and stepped back.
Cas just looked at him, eyes wide and with clear confusion written over his face.
"Sorry." Dean said, taking another step back. He couldn't look Cas in the eye so he turned around, rubbing the back of his head awkwardly.
"I thought that you … but you didn't … so … I'm sorry." He took a deep breath. "Just forget about this, okay?" He almost pleaded.
"Dean." Cas said and Dean knew he was searching for the right words to tell him to go and fuck himself.
"Forget it, Cas." Dean begged. "I'm just stupid."
"You're not stupid." Cas said it as if he was offended by that thought. "Don't apologize for the things you want."
"I want you." The words burst out of him before he had time to think about them. Over the last few weeks he'd become used to just say what was on his mind and this was what he got out of that now.
Awesome. Dean gritted his teeth.
"Forget it, Cas." He repeated. Anger took over, he needed to end this before it could spin out of control and hurt them both. "Hannah is waiting outside, you should go now."
Cas didn't move, just watched him with his thoughtful eyes.
"Do you want me to leave?"
No, but I need you to, was the answer on Dean's mind but he couldn't bring the words out. He had kicked Cas out before and he hadn't liked it one bit then either.
"I don't want to leave." With that Cas stepped closer and after one last look at Dean he mirrored Dean's action from earlier. He took Dean's head between his hands, angled their heads and brought their lips together.
Dean was stunned for a second but then he parted his lips and invited Cas' probing tongue in. When they parted their faces were still only inches apart and Dean just wanted to lose himself in those blue eyes.
"Stay." Dean said.
Chapter 2
Masterpost