Tell me where we go from here 43/?
Chapter 43
"Dean!" The yell pierced through his sleepy mind and Dean reached for his gun under the pillow before he was even awake. "Dean! Wake up!"
The gun wasn't there and that made him bold upright, frantically searching for his weapon and the threat at the same time. It took him a few seconds to realize two things. One, he was in his room in the bunker where he kept his weapons on the walls and not under his pillow and two, there wasn't a threat.
Cas sat on the edge of his bed, Sam's laptop in his lap but he wasn't looking at what was on the screen, his eyes were on Dean. Cas looked like he just had the revelation of his life and considering what he had experienced in his life, it had to be something big.
"What the hell, Cas?" Dean rubbed his face to get rid of the last traces of sleep while he waited for his heart to calm down.
"Look at this." The angel shoved the laptop in Dean's face.
"What?" Dean pushed it away. A glance at the alarm clock confirmed that it wasn't even four in the morning, way too early for research. There was text on the screen, that much he had noticed, and for sure he wouldn't do research at this time of the night without some coffee first.
"Can't this wait a few hours?" Dean dropped back into the pillow, maybe he could just drift off to sleep again.
"I know what's wrong." Cas said still with that enthusiasm in his voice. "Why sex doesn't work for me."
That got Dean's attention. Over the last few days, or rather nights, they had experimented and nothing they tried had done the trick for Cas. One time Dean got him to climax but he had the feeling that it had been more due to physical stimulation than anything else and that Cas had let him do it just to ease his mind. Not exactly what you would build a healthy relationship on, not that Dean had any experience with healthy relationships. So if Cas had found the reason for this Dean was more than willing to listen.
"Okay?" Dean sat up again and had the laptop back in his face immediately.
"You should read this." Cas pointed at the screen.
"Okay, okay, I'm reading." He shifted until he found a position with his back against the headboard in which he could set the laptop on top of his legs and read whatever was so important to get woken up for at four in the morning without coffee.
"Read and I'll make you a coffee in the meantime." Cas offered and that sounded like a deal Dean could live with.
However, Cas only stood up when he was sure that Dean's attention was on the screen. When he finally left Dean just hoped he would be back with the promised coffee soon.
"Asexuality." He read the title of whatever he was about to read. He frowned at that but then started reading. This was new to him, he'd never heard about this before, but apparently there were people out there who didn't enjoy sex? Who didn't desire sex? That was a whole new concept for him. Sure, he knew people who didn't want to do it for personal reasons but the total lack of that desire was a kinda disturbing idea.
Cas had been back for a while and Dean was now nursing his much needed coffee while he read his way through the different tabs Cas had left open for him.
"So." He looked up from the screen just to meet Cas' eyes who had watched him the entire time. "This is you?"
He couldn't really read the emotions flashing over the angel's face. There was too much, something like joy and relieve but also sadness and maybe even fear. It was an expression Dean never wanted to see on his face again and he wanted to kiss it away but that was out of option now, wasn't it?
"Yes, I think that is me." Cas confirmed, his voice desperately neutral.
"You don't want sex." He had to hear it from Cas.
"I don't." Cas shook his head and then reached for the laptop. Without losing eye contact with Dean he shut the laptop and put it aside. "I don't want sex. I don't get aroused and I don't feel the desire to be intimate with you."
Dean nodded to that. His throat felt too tight and his eyes were burning.
"You're breaking up with me?" His voice broke over those words and now he had to blink against the tears. This was it. He wasn't surprised. Nothing good ever lasted in his life. He should have known.
"No!" Cas burst out and inched closer, reaching for Dean. He took his head between his hands, locking eyes with him for a moment, before he reached around Dean and pulled him into a tight hug. "That's not what this is about. I'm not leaving you, Dean."
Dean slung his arms around Cas, reluctantly at first, not sure if the gesture was welcomed but with more confidence when Cas just tightened his hold on Dean in response.
"I love you." He whispered in Dean's ear and those words washed over him, soothing and comforting. "I love you, Dean." Cas repeated and kissed his throat, the only part of him within easy reach.
They stayed like that for a moment before they parted.
"Okay, you're not leaving" Dean wasn't really convinced but he clung to that hope. It was all he had. "So. What now?"
That was the big question. Dean still couldn't wrap his mind around this revelation. What did Cas want? From him? From their relationship?
"I don't know." Cas admitted.
"Where do we go from here?" Dean wasn't even sure where here was. To him sex had always been an essential part of a relationship. How could it work without that?
"We'll figure it out." Cas studied Dean's face for a moment and then their lips met. Stunned Dean just let it happen.
"Can I lie with you for a while?" Cas asked and Dean could only nod, not sure what was happening here. One second Cas told him that he didn't want to have sex and the next he kissed him. And now he wanted to lie with him in his bed.
Cas took off his shirt and pants and then slipped in next to him in only his underwear. Dean held the covers open for him, welcoming him in his bed, but then he didn't know what to do next. They had shared a bed many times before but now Dean had no idea what Cas expected from him. They probably needed to talk about this but for now Dean's brain was overflowing with information.
"You're thinking too much." Cas rolled to his side so that their faces were only inches apart. Gently he cupped Dean's face with his hand and Dean couldn't help and leaned into the touch.
"Is this okay for you?" Dean covered Cas' hand with his. The contact felt good, grounding.
"Dean, when I said that I don't like sex." His fingers craded through the short hair in his neck. "I didn't mean that I don't want any physical contact."
"What do you mean?" This was confusing.
"I like this." Cas inched closer and draped his arm over him. "I like to cuddle." His other arm wormed its way under Dean's neck, drawing him even closer until they were full on cuddling. "I like kissing." To emphasize that point he peppered Dean's throat and neck with little kisses, almost chaste at first but soon he was latching himself on Dean with wet open mouth kisses and sucking bruises into his neck.
Growing more confident from this Dean mirrored him and nibbled on Cas' throat. When they came apart far enough for their lips to meet Cas kissed him, deep and sensual.
Okay, he could definitely go with that. They had done this before and Cas truly enjoyed this, Dean knew from experience, so he dared to let his hands wander while he kissed back with all he had. His leg slipped between Cas' and he felt his growing erection now pressed against Cas' hip. That sobered him up in a heartbeat.
"I'm sorry." Dean flinched back as if he was burned. The cuddling and the kissing, that was okay for Cas, he got that, Cas had made that point quite clear, but now Dean's stupid cock thought there would be more. But there would never be more again. Maybe his own right hand in the shower but otherwise?
"Dean." Cas spoke to him in a soft voice. "It's okay."
Dean rolled to his back, catching his breath and willing his erection to back off. Which was easier said than done. Cas was right here, he could still taste him on his tongue, could feel his warm body next to his.
Suddenly Cas hand was on his chest and Dean's breathing calmed down.
"You want me to?" He asked and let his hand slip farther down until it rested on Dean's lower stomach. His intention was clear.
"You won't get anything out of it, won't you?" Dean asked. Earlier he hadn't felt anything indicating that Cas was aroused and now it was hard to tell with Cas' lower half under the covers but he would bet money that Cas was not in the slightest hard. Hell, only minutes ago he had told Dean that he never really got aroused. That basically every time Dean had coaxed an orgasm out of him he had done what? Raped him? Cas had never said that he wanted Dean to stop but that didn't necessarily mean that he was on board with what they had done in bed.
Suddenly he felt sick.
"I need the bathroom." Dean hurried out of the room and over to the bathroom. When he'd closed the door behind himself he leaned against it, chest heaving and his vision graying around the edges. He wanted to throw up but he was only dry heaving without getting any release. How often had he forced Cas into sex? In his sorry little attempt to find the "one thing" for him? And what had come out of it? Sure, Dean had his fun, he had come every single time. But Cas? Dean had felt so damn proud of himself very time he had violated Cas, forcing him to climax.
Cas hadn't broken up with him and even if he was grateful for that Dean felt sick. After what he'd done to him, Cas shouldn't want to stay with him. He should run away as far as possible.
"Dean?" There was a soft knock at the door. Dean blinked his eyes open and tried to get his breathing under control. Everything seemed far away, swimming in the distance and even the sound was muffled. Dizzy he stepped over to the bathtub, he needed to sit down before he fell down.
"Dean?" Another knock. "I'm coming in."
The door opened and then Cas was kneeling in front of him.
"Dean, hey." He felt strong hands on his shoulders. Dean leaned into them, trusting Cas to catch him if he crashed. That thought was comforting but Dean would have laughed about how wrong it was if he only had the breath for that.
"I'm sorry, Cas." Dean mumbled with his head resting in the crook of Cas' neck so he was talking into the meat of his shoulder.
"There's nothing you need to be sorry for." Cas assured him. Cupping the back of his head with one hand while his other hand supported him between his shoulder blades, Cas held him. "It's okay, Dean. Everything is okay now."
He doubted that but for the moment he didn't care. Cas was still here, still willing to touch him, to be close to him and that was all that counted at the moment.
Dean sucked in a shuddering breath and just let Cas hold him for a moment.
Chapter 44
Masterpost