The Story That Has No Name Yet (Part/Chapter/Installment/Episode 1)
(A/N: Ok so, after trolling sites and seeing all of the myriad of genres for Suju fanfiction (and drinking way too much caffeine to be healthy) I decided (with the promptings of my roommates astormisbrewing and cereal_strawz ) to write…this. I don’t even know what to call it except crack. True, unadulterated crack. But writing this brings me much joy…if everyone can survive the destruction of their OTPs for the sake of amusement, then I hope that you enjoy it as much as I do)
Title: The Story That Has No Name Yet (Part/Chapter/Installment/Episode 1)
Pairings: girl!KanginxLeeteuk, MysteryxZhouMixgirl!rock, HeechulxHenry, HenryxMaple syrup, girl!SiwonxKyuhyun, mystery!YesungxRyeowook, EunhyukxSungmin, DonghaexHangeng, KibumxKibumxKibum, MinhoxNichkhun, more will probably come in time
Rating: R (but mostly because of the mentionings of things)
Warnings: mpreg, incest (tripletcest), mindless fuckery, genderswich, statutory rape, prostitution, crossdressing, this story will come in random installments and maybe have a plot
Genre: AU, crack, werewolf, vampire, highschool, satan\angel, crime, mafia, so much crack, Harry Potter crossover
Summary: Every single genre of fanfiction ever written thrown into one story…in which Kangin is a woman and Leeteuk is gay, Henry loves maple syrup a little too much to be normal, Kibum is a vampire, Minho is a horrible guardian angel, Kyuhyun fights for animal rights, Siwon is a werewolf, and Sungmin goes to Hogwarts. Oh, and Ryeowook is a fish. And somehow a plot was born.
--- > Part/Chapter/Installment/Episode 2
---
Teachers Lounge
7:30am
Tuesday
It was a Tuesday, and everyone knew that meant they were serving ludofisk in the cafeteria. No one quite knew what ludofisk was, except that it was supposed to be some kind of cultural immersion food but only ended up getting half of the school sick. The Ludofisk Tuesdays had ended in half of the school bringing their own lunches, while the other half simply starved.
Tuesdays were a terrible, terrible time…
But to Hangeng, Tuesdays were not horrible because of ludofisk. No, mostly because he didn’t speak enough Korean to understand that they even had ludofisk every Tuesday. Tuesdays to Hangeng meant that he had to chug his coffee before Leeteuk trudged into the teacher’s lounge, late, demanding to be told what he’d missed.
Hangeng wasn’t sure where Leeteuk went every Monday night that he ended up being late every Tuesday and he didn’t know enough Korean to ask, so he simply nodded and listened. He’d become an easy target the moment Leeteuk had learned that he was unable to come up with an excuse to get away.
“…and so then I asked the kid, ‘where are you going? Don’t you have class?’ and he just stammered out that he was sorry and ran back to the boy’s bathroom. And he was wearing a robe, Hannie. A robe. It was practically a cape.”
Hangeng only understood the words ‘boy’ ‘bathroom’ ‘class’ and ‘sorry’-and his own name-so he wasn’t sure what Leeteuk was talking about but he simply nodded and smiled and continued to sip his coffee.
“And those three triplets came in the other day and I swear, one of them is going through a faze. He’s gotten so pale over the summer. I think he’s become…what is the word? Enya…ema…emu…emo! That’s it! Emo!”
Hangeng nodded again, just as the bell went off. He sighed in releif as he gathered his books and headed for his classroom, waving goodbye to Leeteuk as he went.
---
Sungmin stumbled into the classroom, huffing and puffing and trying his hardest to stuff his robes into his backback, as well as the timeturner that he’d borrowed from Professor McGonagal. He smiled to Donghae before slumping down in his chair.
“You ok?”
“Yeah. Tired.” Sungmin mumbled, placing his Korean Literature book on his desk and using it as a pillow.
“Is that a stick in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Sungmin didn’t open his eyes. “It’s a wand actually-I mean, no! No! I take it back! I was happy to see you!”
Yesung blinked down at the slouched over boy and looked around to see that the class was mainly empty save for Sungmin and Donghae. The only other occupants at the moment were the Kibum triplets who were sitting in a corner, whispering to themselves.
“…you’re kind of weird.” Yesung murmured before sitting down.
“Are you wearing a skirt today?” Donghae eyed the boy-girl-he wasn’t sure really. Really, he really didn’t know what Yesung was. At some point androgynous had gone much further and Donghae tried to remember a time when he knew Yesung’s sex.
There had never been such a time, to his knowledge.
Sungmin simply smiled sheepishly and waited for Yesung’s answer. Yesung was busy smoothing out his\her skirt, reaching for a mirror. “Donghae, after staying at your house this weekend, I noticed something.”
“Huh?” Donghae stiffened in his chair. Oh god, had Yesung noticed? Did he\she know about Donghae’s afterschool job? Did he\she-
“Your fish is really hot.”
Sungmin choked on the banana he’d begun eating and tried to get the bite lodged in his throat out by smacking his chest. Donghae grabbed him from behind and tried to administer the heimlick, but it only ended in Sungmin elbowing him in the stomach and Donghae losing his grip, falling backwards.
He didn’t land on the ground, however, and looked up to see Professor Han staring down at him worriedly. “Are you alright?” He asked in his accented Korean.
Donghae stared up at him. “…yeah…fine…” He wondered if their teacher knew that he had the largest crush of all crushes on him. He doubted it. After all, the man didn’t seem to understand most of what went on in the school, let alone if anyone there liked him.
And Donghae was a student, so that made the chances of him noticing even less.
Dammit, why was this happening to him?
Kibum was hungry. God he’d never been this hungry before. At first he thought that he just wanted to steal the banana that Sungmin was eating, but then Sungmin had begun choking and pointing at his neck and Kibum could only stare at it as he tried not to salivate.
This wasn’t good. Not good at all. No no no no no. Not good. He slumped back further in the corner and tried not to fidget too much. He’d get through this. He’d get through till lunch and then he’d find the Monkey Bastard that had made him like this and maybe gnaw his arm off.
“Bummie,” A chin on his shoulder. “What is it?”
“Nothing.” Kibum muttered to Kibum. Most people found it confusing when trying to address the triplets, since they all had the same name, but the three of them didn’t have a problem at all. It’s not like they looked alike or anything.
“Kibum, Bummie hyung won’t tell me what’s wrong.” Key whined, snuggling closer to the eldest triplet.
The third of the trio looked over at the other two. “The only person who has something wrong with them here is me.”
Key rolled his eyes, “Oh god, here he goes again.”
“You don’t understand. How could you? You’re alive. Both of you are perfectly happy and living and breathing. Well not me. And let me tell you, it sucks.”
Kibum wasn’t going to point out that he was no longer part of the living because that would just make Kibum cry and he didn’t want that, not before class even started. He was beginning to wonder when the doctor was going to tell them some way to cure Kibum of his Walking Dead Syndrome.
It really made being a vampire a lot less interesting when you couldn’t tell anyone and one of your brothers was convinced that he was a corpse.
---
Shindong leaned against the counter, twirling one of her pigtails. It was a slow day at McDonalds, and Shindong didn’t know how much more she could stand. She was going to go crazy.
Pop.
Kangin blinked as the bubbled exploded and the bubblegum plastered itself to her lips. She quickly tried to pry it off. “Oh dammit, what if it gets stuck in my hair?”
“Unless you stick it there on your own, it won’t.” Shindong announced, “Your butch cut is too short.”
“Bitch.”
“Skank.”
“Fatass.”
“WoMAN.”
They fell into silence once more.
“You’re my best friend, you know.”
“Same here, Shinnie, same here.”
---
“It’s unnatural.”
“What’s unnatural is that brillo pad of a sweater you’re wearing.” Heechul muttered, flipping through a magazine.
“It’s high fashion. You wouldn’t understand.” Kyuhyun sighed, taking another sip of his coffee.
“Neither do you, which explains that steel wool concoction.” Heechul turned another page, “Didn’t Seasonings teach you anything before he went off to medical school?”
Kyuhyun chugged the rest of his coffee and looked back at the screen. He was so going to pwn those noobs later tonight. They’d never see it coming. “Just because I hang out with a bunch of gay men doesn’t mean I know fashion.”
“Obviously.” Heechul smirked, “But still, hanging out with a bunch of gay men while you’re supposedly straight should mean that you dress less outrageously than we do.”
“At least I don’t dye my hair with kool-aid.”
“It’s a statement, Kyuhyun. Why don’t you go and tie yourself to a tree or something? After your last protest, I was really excited. I thought they were going to bulldoze you down for sure that time.”
“Shut up.”
“Leeteuk is coming by later. And Seasonings should be home after his shift. Make some ramen.”
“No.”
“You’re the magnae.”
“So?”
“Fine, don’t make us ramen. I was in the mood for some steak anyway.”
Kyuhyun felt his insides churn and he glared at the redheaded artist. “You’re a horrible person…”
---
There were a lot of things that Nichkhun really didn’t enjoy.
Destroying hopes and dreams was one. Spreading evil was another. Being an all-around douchewaffle was the third.
Unfortunately, all of these things were required when one was Satan. He pouted a bit, sitting on a bench in the park, eating his ice cream. He gave it another lick and pursed his lips. How was he going to go about the rest of the day? He was supposed to take a few people’s souls and make a deal with a mortal and promise them all that they desired. This would end horribly, of course, with the person losing everything that was dear to them in a cruel twist of fate. He was then supposed to appear before them, tell them that they hadn’t stated their desire quite accurately enough, and then watch as they lost themselves to despair.
He wasn’t looking forward to it.
“Having fun being a cruel and heartless demon?”
“It’s amazing how you’re so vindictive for an angel.” Nichkhun murmured back to the young man sitting on the bench next to him.
Minho simply leaned over and licked off a bit of the melting ice cream. “Lucifer was an angel too, you know.”
“I do know, actually.” Nichkhun replied, “And could you please stop eating my ice cream?”
Minho huffed, crossing his arms. They sat in silence for a few moments before Minho straightened a bit. “I came to ask you something, actually.”
“What is it now?”
“Well I looked into Key’s future again-“
“That’s cheating. God is going to be pissed if he finds out you did it again.”
“Hey, it’s so HARD being a guardian angel and not knowing when the person you’re protecting is about to get in trouble! Besides, you’re Satan! Shouldn’t you be congratulating me for this kind of behavior?”
“No. It’s wrong.” Nichkhun said glumly, munching on the edge of the ice cream cone.
“Well anyway,” Minho scooted a little closer. “I saw what was going to happen and I wondered if you could do something about it.”
Nichkhun sighed. He’d known it was going to come down to this. He eyed Minho wearily. The other man, despite being an angel, was probably more set out for Nichkhun’s job than he was. The boy was conniving and competitive and nothing at all like an angel should be. “I’ve already done something about it. Twice. And look what happened: Kibum got turned into a vampire and the other Kibum has Walking Dead Syndrome.”
“But Key is perfectly fine. I’m the best Guardian Angel ever.” Minho gloated, grinning, “So why don’t you help me out, just one more time? Please? For old time’s sake?”
“Messing with fate is going to get you in trouble.”
“You’re supposed to like trouble.” Minho cooed, winking.
Nichkhun disappeared, his ice cream cone falling to the ground with a splat.
Minho frowned. “Dammit! He did it again!”
---
Kibum found Eunhyuk cleaning the girl’s bathroom.
Eunhyuk dropped the trashcan he’d been emptying with a shriek. “You’re not a girl!”
“You’re not really a janitor.” Kibum deadpanned.
Eunhyuk tsked, reaching down and beginning to pick up the trash that now scattered the floor. “I am too. I’ve been the janitor here since it was built.”
“In 1919?”
Eunhyuk didn’t deign that question worthy enough of an answer as he stuffed a tissue into one of the bags. “You made me spill this, you should help clean it up.”
“You turned me into a vampire. I don’t have to do anything for you.” Kibum shot back.
Eunhyuk sighed. “For heaven’s sake it was an accident. You shouldn’t have offered to help me.”
“I was being a good person. I didn’t know that when you said you hadn’t eaten in a week that it meant you wanted to eat me!”
Eunhyuk cleared his throat and busied himself with the trash. “Yes well, nothing we can do now.” He stood up and began wheeling his trashcan out of the bathroom. Kibum rested his foot on the cart’s edge, stopping it.
“Fix it.”
“What?”
“This.” Kibum pointed at himself in frustration. “Make me human again!”
“It’s not something that can be fixed.” Eunhyuk began to look a little fearful, eyes darting to the door for an exit. “I’m afraid you’re just going to have to get used to it.”
“I’m starving!” Kibum almost wailed. He hadn’t eaten since he’d been turned. Food didn’t fill him up. And sleeping sandwiched between his two brothers and listening to their pulses hadn’t helped at all. He’d tried to get out of coming to school for the simple reason that he was certain he was going to snap and bite someone’s neck.
That would suck. A lot.
Eunhyuk rummaged through the trash and pulled something out, handing it to Kibum. “Here, use this to tide you over until school ends.”
“That’s a used tampon!!”
---
The waffles were ready. Henry stared at the plate of steaming Belgian waffles and felt his mouth beginning to water. He swallowed, grip tightening on his fork. He could almost taste them now. Hot, fluffy, smothered in maple syrup.
He reached for the waffles, heart beating a million times a minute. Soon. Soon he would taste the amazingness of those waffles! Soon he would-
Henry’s fork clinked against the television screen and he blinked. He reached again. Clink.
A frown.
Clink. Clink. Clink. Clink. Clink.
Henry grabbed his gun and aimed it at the tv screen just as his door opened. “Sir! We’ve got the mole and-what are you doing sir?”
Henry placed the gun on his desk and cleared his throat. “Nothing. Nothing at all.” He grunted, leaning his elbows on the table and trying to look as normal and professional as possible. “You’ve got the informant?”
“Yes.” His assistant nodded. “They’ve got him at the docks.”
“I see.” Henry muttered, “Well then, let’s go and greet him. We wouldn’t want to keep a guest waiting. I’d hate to be a bad host.” He stood, throwing on his jacket before pausing. The jacket…had a maple syrup stain on it.
“Amber, lend me your jacket.”
His assistant sighed before taking hers off, handing it over. “Yes sir. Here.”
Henry was so glad that he and Amber wore the same size suit jackets.
---
Zhou Mi arrived back at the apartment before Leeteuk. He slumped off his doctor’s coat that he’d been too lazy to take off earlier and hung it on the coat rack, running a hand through his hair and yawning. Graveyard shifts were the devil.
He trudged into the kitchen to see Kyuhyun and Heechul bent over bowls of ramen, sipping loudly. Kyuhyun looked up, “Hyung, I made ramen, want some?”
Zhou Mi nodded wearily and sat down beside Heechul as Kyuhyun stood and began flitting around the kitchen. It was odd to see Kyuhyun acting so…nice. And like an actual dongsaeng.
Heechul leaned over from where he sat and grinned, “I put extra chicken seasoning into Kyuhyun’s bowl when he wasn’t looking.”
Sometimes Zhou Mi wondered if he were the only mature person in their entire apartment complex. He didn’t have the heart to tell Kyuhyun that he was eating something flavored with the cute little chickens he cooed over and freed from chicken farms. He instead took his own ramen with a tired smile and began eating.
“Are you trying out for the Music University next month, hyung?” Zhou Mi asked the red-headed man sitting across from him.
Heechul didn’t look up from his crossword puzzle, filling in a few boxes and stuffing ramen into his mouth with his chopsticks in the other hand. “Nope.”
“Why not?”
“Too old.” Heechul grunted, “Don’t you have someone else to bother? What about Kyuhyun? He’s the one that dropped out of school for no good reason.”
“Hey! I’ve dedicated my life to saving animals! Besides,” and at this Kyuhyun paused, looking downtrodden. “You know that society wouldn’t accept me for my…condition.”
“Is that what they call it nowadays?” Heechul whispered sarcastically, ignoring the stern look that Zhou Mi shot him. Zhou Mi was too tired to argue with Kyuhyun about this made up condition of his. He already had one patient that swore he was dead. He didn’t need another one on his roster.
“As long as you don’t start licking yourself and coughing up furballs, I’m sure no one would care about your ‘condition’.” Heechul continued, placing his chopsticks down as he finished. “Well, I’m off.”
“Where are you going? It’s almost midnight.” Zhou Mi asked worriedly.
“You’re not Leeteuk, so stop trying to be my mother.” Heechul called back. “I’ll be back by morning.”
Zhou Mi heard the front door close and let out another sigh. “What are we going to do with him?”
“Why don’t we kick him out? He doesn’t pay the bills.”
“Neither do you.” Zhou Mi retorted. “You don’t even pay for your Starcraft subscription.”
Kyuhyun coughed, and went back to eating his noodles.
---
Donghae slipped out the back door of his house, looking around to see if anyone was awake. No, no one had spotted him. Everyone at his house was sleeping except for his fish, but he didn’t figure that his fish was going to tell anyone where he was going.
He wondered if his pants could get any tighter and decided that no, no they couldn’t. He didn’t want to think of how it would feel if he’d worn underwear underneath. The cool air whipped through his thin silk shirt and Donghae was beginning to wish he’d brought a jacket.
No, no jackets. He wouldn’t sell if he wore a bulky coat.
He headed downtown, hoping that he’d be home in time to finish up his geometry homework before school.
---
Leeteuk was hungry, far too hungry to hold off eating until he got back to the apartment. As he’d driven down the street on his segway (for some reason the others wouldn’t let him drive the car) he’d spotted a McDonalds across the street. He zoomed into a free parking spot and hopped off. Finally, sustenance!
He peeked inside, smiling sheepishly when he noticed that he was the only customer there.
“Sorry sir, we’re closing-oh…”
Kangin had made ready to snap at the late-coming customer the moment the bell had rung, but then she’d caught sight of the person and time had seemed to stop completely.
He was the most handsome man she’d ever seen. Tall, thin-but not too thin-with deep set dimples and nerd glasses and a plaid shirt and tight jeans and everything that Kangin could ever ask for in a man. He walked with such grace…like a super model.
…and then slipped on the newly mopped floor and face planted on the ground.
“Omo! Are you alright!?” Kangin ran from behind the counter and knelt next to the hot guy. “Are you ok? Are you hurt? Do you need some ice?”
When Leeteuk had first heard the voice, he’d automatically assumed it was female. It was deeper, yes, but still in the feminine range, and the person smelled like apple body spray. But then he’d glanced up and had realized his mistake immediately.
Kneeling over him was the most handsome man he’d ever seen. He didn’t think twice about the fact that his broad-shouldered beauty was in a mini-skirt. He lived with Heechul and Zhou Mi after all. Boys wearing mini-skirts was an everyday occurrence. He swallowed, feeling a blush rise to his cheeks as he held out his hand and let the stronger man pull him to his feet.
“Ah, thank you, I guess I didn’t see the sign.” Leeteuk glanced down at the bright yellow sign and gave a nervous laugh. “Wow, I’m so embarrassed right now.” He was surprised he wasn’t stuttering in front of the handsome man. He always seemed to become incoherent of thought when around hot guys.
Kangin could only nod dumbly. She seemed unable to speak when the hot guy’s focus was on her. He was so, so, so…
“I want to have sex with you.”
Leeteuk blinked, “E-excuse me?”
“I mean, what would you like to order, ajhussi?”
“Ajhussi?” Leeteuk winced, “That makes me feel so old.”
Kangin blushed bright red. Stupid! God, first she’d screamed that she wanted to have sex with him and then she’d called him an old man. What was wrong with her!? “Ah, right, what would you like to order, oppa?”
Oppa? Leeteuk wasn’t sure why the man was calling him that but he assumed that it was a crossdresser thing so he nodded with another smile. “A number five meal, please.”
Shindong walked back out from the restroom only to see Kangin and a tall man staring dumbly at each other. She rolled her eyes, pulling out her cell phone and texting. Hey guess what? I think Unnie’s got a crush.
---
Siwon pulled her robe further around her body and leaned back in the chair, frowning. “Are we done?”
“I think the director wants to look over a few things first…”
Siwon sighed, but nodded as she pulled out a nail file. She stared down at the claw-like, curved nails and wondered if anyone had noticed them yet. Or the enlarged canines. Or the fact that when they did their animal shots that the makeup unnies didn’t have to put fake fur on her.
Apparently not. Or if so, it wasn’t affecting the fact that she was the top star in the industry.
But she really needed to finish soon.
Her church service started in an hour.
The director walked back in and bowed his head, “Siwon-ssi, I’m afraid we’re going to have to refilm the last scene.”
Siwon sighed but stood. “Alright, I’m coming.” She dropped the robe and walked onto the set in all her bare glory.
---
See? I warned you...so much crack...