Invisible Threads - Part 1/3
Fandom: Star Trek TOS
Pairing: Kirk/Spock, mentions of canon others
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Kirk is understandably hesitant about starting a relationship with Spock; the last time he tried, Spock left him to pursue the kolinahr. But when Spock becomes ill while visiting his parents on Vulcan, Kirk decides that some things are worth the risk.
Words: ~6500/20800
Notes: Written for classictrekbb . Art by yawmin is here, fanmix by logically_thyla is here. Thanks to marlee813 for the read-through.
When the dust finally settles, the first person Kirk seeks out isn't Spock, but McCoy. He'll have to talk to Spock at some point, of course, but he needs some time to figure out what he's going to say. When Spock took his hand in sickbay and said those words, the way forward seemed so obvious, but now that he's had some time to think, doubts have crept in.
Part of him wants to just say yes - this is, after all, what he's wanted for years - but another part reminds him firmly that Spock left him once, and can easily do so again. And then there's a third part quietly considering the possibility that he's reading more into Spock's words than was intended, and setting himself up for a huge disappointment.
He hopes that talking to McCoy might help him get his thoughts into some kind of order. He heads down to sickbay and finds McCoy rummaging through a cupboard and muttering to himself. When he catches sight of Kirk he straightens up and says with annoyance, "Is it really so much to ask for some kind of organised system? It takes me twice as long to find anything in this place as it did in the old sickbay."
Kirk grins despite himself; Spock isn't the only person he's missed these past few years. "So have one of the ensigns reorganise it," he suggests, half seriously. "Give them something to do."
"I just might," McCoy says. He studies Kirk for a moment. "You talked to Spock yet?"
Kirk rubs the back of his neck. McCoy has always been able to see through him when it comes to Spock; it's one of his more annoying qualities. "Actually, I wanted to talk about that." He glances around and adds, "Ideally in private." He's fairly sure there are already rumours circulating from the scene in sickbay, but he'd prefer not to add to them if at all possible. At least, not yet.
"Sure," McCoy says with a shrug. "My office is just through there." He gestures at one of the interior doors, then sets off in the direction indicated, glancing back to make sure that Kirk is still with him.
Kirk follows his friend through the door, along a short corridor, and into an office marked CMO. He glances around as he enters; the office is a reasonable size, but pretty bare. No stacks of microtapes, no PADDs spread about the desk - there aren't even any pictures on the wall. He remembers how McCoy's office used to look - a sort of organised chaos. Looking at this, he thinks he prefers it that way - it may have been cluttered, but it had character.
With a shake of the head he tears his thoughts back to the present and sees that McCoy has already sat down in the chair behind the desk. He sits down opposite him, laces his fingers together and rests his hands on the desk in front of him. "I don't suppose you have anything to drink?" he asks. He's fairly sure he already knows the answer, but he can't help hoping - even without the whole Spock situation it's been a long few days. He could really do with something alcoholic right now.
McCoy shakes his head. "Normally I would, but somebody got me drafted," he says acerbically. "I didn't exactly have time to stop for supplies."
"Yeah, sorry about that," Kirk lies. "But you can't tell me you haven't enjoyed being back here."
"It has its moments," McCoy admits grudgingly. "Now, about Spock..."
"How is he?" Kirk asks.
McCoy raises an eyebrow, but lets the diversion pass for the moment. "Medically? He's recovering, but I still don't know the full extent of the damage. Physically he's fine, but mentally... I don't know, Jim. I'd be surprised if he's come through all this entirely unscathed."
Kirk's stomach twists at the thought. "He was crying earlier," he says slowly. He thought it was odd at the time, but they had bigger things to worry about. Now he wonders if it might be a symptom of something serious.
"I noticed." McCoy looks at him, and says gently, "Don't start calculating worst case scenarios just yet, Jim. He could be fine." He rolls his eyes good-naturedly. "It wouldn't be the first time the pointy-eared pain-in-my-ass has walked away from something that should have killed him."
Kirk manages a wan smile. He knows that worrying won't solve anything, but he never has been able to bear the thought of Spock being hurt.
"I'm going to give him a full run down tomorrow," McCoy adds. "Just to be sure."
Kirk nods slowly. "Oh, I talked to Scotty," he says. "We'll be back at spacedock in a day or so."
McCoy fixes him with a look. "And then what?"
Kirk looks down at his hands; he knew they'd get to this point eventually. "I want to keep the ship," he says quietly. After fighting so hard to get her back - and he still feels a little guilty about what he did to Decker - he isn't going to just let her go again. But the Enterprise isn't the only thing he doesn't want to let go of.
"What about Spock?" McCoy asks, and Kirk looks up sharply.
Forcing himself to relax, he shrugs. "I haven't had a chance to talk to him yet. And I haven't figured out what I'm going to say to him when I do get the chance."
"Tell him you love him," McCoy suggests, as if it's the obvious response. Kirk gives him a sharp look. "Oh, don't look at me like that. I was there, remember? Spock wasn't the only one making his feelings clear."
"It's not that simple," Kirk says, wondering privately whether McCoy's insight is due to knowing him so well, or if he really is that transparent. "Three years ago I told him I loved him, and he left."
He's never told McCoy what really happened back then. He didn't want to think about it - about how everything suddenly went horribly wrong - and he certainly didn't want to talk about it.
There's a long moment of silence before McCoy says, "Well, now. That explains a lot."
"Is that all you can say?" Kirk snaps in irritation.
"Give me a minute!" McCoy protests. He studies Kirk, frowning. "Why didn't you tell me this back then?"
Kirk shrugs, still frustrated and irritable. "I told you he left. I didn't think it made any difference why."
He doesn't like thinking about that time. His most vivid memory of the time just after Spock left is of the pain. Several times a day he would think of something to tell Spock, and then realise that he would likely never tell Spock anything ever again. He still had two weeks of duty left on the Enterprise, and after walking the halls without his shadow for the remainder of that time, it was almost a relief to take a ground posting.
McCoy fought him all the way, telling him it was a stupid idea, that he belonged in space, that he'd come to regret the decision, but Kirk didn't listen. All he wanted by that point was to get away from the ship and the constant reminders of Spock. By the time he realised McCoy was right, his friend was lightyears away, studying Fabrini medicine on their newly colonised planet.
McCoy's voice brings him back to the present. "You think he's going to leave again."
Kirk doesn't look at him. "I don't know," he says dully. "He left before." And I can't deal with that kind of pain again, I just can't.
"Jim," McCoy says, and Kirk looks up at him. "You need to talk to him. Get it all out in the open. Chances are he's probably feeling just as unsure about all this as you are; after all, that was a pretty blatant expression of emotion earlier."
"That's what I'm afraid of," Kirk mutters. He hasn't forgotten that it was emotion that sent Spock running the last time.
"You don't have to make any long term decisions," McCoy continues. "Just talk to him. You can figure out the rest once you know where you stand." He smiles. "For what it's worth, I think he'll stay."
Kirk nods slowly. His friend has a point; if he wants answers, he's going to have to go to the source. "I suppose you're right," he says without enthusiasm, then presses his palms against the desk and stands. "I'd better go find him."
He gets as far as the doorway before turning back. "Thanks, Bones," he says honestly. "I owe you a drink when we get back to Earth."
"You owe me several," McCoy shoots back, before making a shooing motion with his hands. "Go find Spock."
* * *
It occurs to Kirk as he heads towards the turbolifts that he has no idea where Spock is; the other man doesn't even officially have a cabin. Kirk frowns and decides he'll have to fix that as soon as possible. The science officer's quarters will be empty; Spock can have those. Kirk feels a pang for Sonak - he originally chose the young Vulcan as science officer because he reminded him of Spock, and he can't help feeling a little guilty about it. If he'd decided on someone else - if he hadn't been so caught up in his own troubles - Sonak would still be alive.
But then someone else would be dead, he thinks. He knows, intellectually, that he couldn't have prevented Sonak's death, just like he couldn't prevent Decker's or Ilia's. Or Lori's. But it doesn't change the way he feels.
He enters the turbolift and orders it to the officer's deck. He'll go to his cabin and order the computer to assign Spock the science officer's quarters, and he'll be able to ask the computer for Spock's location.
As it turns out, he doesn't need to ask for Spock's location. When he enters his cabin, Spock is sitting on the couch, studying a PADD. He puts it down when he notices Kirk, before standing up and coming over to him.
"Jim," he says warmly, and Kirk marvels at the difference between this Spock and the stranger who greeted him on the bridge.
"Hey," he says, finding his lips turning into a smile almost against his will. He looks around the room pointedly, and raises his eyebrows. "How'd you get in here?"
"The door was not locked," Spock replies. His expression grows uncertain. "I wanted to talk to you, and I thought this would be the logical place to wait. However, if I have overstepped my bounds-"
Kirk raises a hand to stop him. "It's fine, Spock. You're right, we need to talk. Sit down?" He gestures to the couch that Spock vacated a few moments ago. Spock immediately goes to sit down, and again Kirk can't help but contrast it with his earlier behaviour.
He follows Spock over and sits down beside him, then spends a few seconds just studying him. He is not entirely reassured by what he sees. Spock is very pale, and there are lines of tension around his eyes. Kirk remembers McCoy's words and feels his heart speed up slightly. "Are you feeling okay?" he asks. "You don't look well."
Spock laces his fingers together in his lap and looks down at them. "I am not at my best," he admits. "My control over my telepathic abilities has been substantially reduced since the mindmeld. Contact with others is currently... taxing."
That explains why he looks so exhausted. Kirk reaches out instinctively before Spock's words fully sink in. "Does that mean I shouldn't touch you?"
He starts to pull his hand back, but Spock reaches out himself and curls his fingers around Kirk's. "Your touch could never be unpleasant," Spock says, and Kirk feels something between them flare into life.
He'd almost convinced himself that he'd imagined this; this awareness of Spock, that he never really noticed until it was gone. He hasn't felt it since the last few weeks of the mission - before Spock shut him out and left. He closes his eyes and smiles at the familiar warmth.
But when he feels Spock's other hand come up to touch his cheek, he pulls away. He reluctantly extracts his hand from Spock's grip and rubs it absently with the other as he takes a few deep breaths. "Spock..." he begins quietly, then pauses, unsure how to put his feelings into words.
"You don't want this," Spock says. His voice is completely level and impersonal, but Kirk doesn't miss the flash of pain in his eyes.
Kirk shakes his head. "It's not that." He runs his hands through his hair and stares at Spock.
"You left me," he says, and all the pain and frustration of the past few years - and especially the past few days - comes rushing out. "You left and I thought I was never going to see you again. I spent nearly three years grounded and miserable, and I thought that if you ever came back I'd be happy to go back to what we were - to be friends, or whatever you wanted." He snorts. "And then you did come back, and we might as well have been strangers." He takes a deep breath and adds quietly, "I know things are different now, but I can't just forget all that."
Spock looks stricken. "Jim...." He reaches out as if to touch Kirk's arm, but pulls back and drops his hand into his lap. "I'm sorry," he says. "I should never have left you."
No, you shouldn't have, Kirk thinks with a touch of resentment, but doesn't voice the thought. "You could have talked to me about it," he says.
Spock shakes his head. "No, I couldn't." He shifts to better face Kirk and their knees brush together. "I... love you," he says quietly, hesitating slightly over the word ‘love'. "I believe I have loved you for a very long time. But back then I could not admit it to myself, much less you." His gaze shifts past Kirk and lands somewhere on the far wall. "My reactions to you have never been entirely logical, and near the end of the five-year mission I began to realise this. I have been told all my life that I should not allow emotion to influence my decisions, but with you I found I could not do otherwise. I was torn."
He meets Kirk's eyes tentatively. "When you told me of your feelings, I... panicked. I could barely deal with my own emotions, let alone yours. I believe I had convinced myself that my emotions toward you were purely friendly, and when I realised that was not true...."
"You couldn't deal with it," Kirk finishes.
Spock nods. "At the time, the prospect of being without emotion seemed particularly attractive. I never stopped to think how it would affect you." He reaches out again, and this time gently touches Kirk's sleeve. "I intensely regret causing you distress, and I understand that it will likely take time for you to forgive me."
Kirk shakes his head. "I do forgive you. That's not the issue." He pauses, then adds, "Well, maybe a little. But it's not the main issue." As Spock's expression changes to one of uncertainty, he takes a deep breath. "I forgive you, but I'm not sure I can trust you. What's to stop you leaving again?"
Spock stares at him. "I do not wish to be anywhere but at your side."
The words make something well up in Kirk's chest, but he pushes it down and says quietly, "I've heard that before."
Spock lays a hand over his. "Jim. I promise I will not leave you again. And I am prepared to wait as long as it takes for you to believe that."
Part of Kirk wants to believe him, wants nothing more than to kiss him and hold him and be with him in every way possible. But as strong as that desire is, it isn't enough to override his fear. "I think," he says slowly, "I'd be more comfortable if we concentrated on rebuilding our friendship, and see where we go from there." He turns his hand over so that they're palm to palm, and adds softly, "I need some time to think."
Spock's fingers curl gently around his. "I understand. In many ways it is more than I deserve."
Kirk smiles. "Okay then." He looks down at where Spock is still holding his hand, enjoying the way their connection is enhanced by the contact. "I've missed this," he admits. "I couldn't feel you at all these past few years. I think it's why I got so lost."
He holds up his free hand as Spock opens his mouth to speak. "Please don't start apologising again. I meant what I said; I forgive you. And I can hardly blame you for my own stupid choices." He sighs and gently extracts his hand from Spock's.
"Have you decided what you will do once we return to Earth?" Spock asks, after a few seconds of silence.
Kirk looks at him. "I'm not going to go back to a ground posting. I can't." The very idea puts him on the verge of panicking. To go back to that after soaring through the stars again... it'll be hell.
"I suspected as much," Spock replies, bringing him back to reality. "This is where you belong."
Kirk sighs. "I'm not sure Command will see it that way."
"You will convince them," Spock says. "And I am certain that the crew will back you up."
Kirk relaxes slightly at the certainty in Spock's tone. "Well," he says, "if I'm going to be captain again, I'm going to need a first officer." He raises his eyebrows in an invitation.
Affection softens Spock's gaze. "I would be honoured."
* * *
They spend some time after that discussing the ship and crew, and then move on to other topics of conversation. As if by mutual agreement, they avoid bringing up the past; they'll have to discuss it at some point, but not tonight.
Kirk is surprised at how easy it is to fall back into their old patterns. He even finds himself teasing Spock, once or twice, like they used to, and smiling when Spock puts on a completely straight face and teases back. He realises that it's going to be a lot harder than he thought to keep himself from getting too deeply involved.
Eventually Kirk becomes aware that the strains of the last few days are getting to Spock, and calls a halt. "You need to rest," he says, standing up. "We can talk more tomorrow."
Spock stands up and looks for a moment as though he is about to argue, but then wavers and grabs on to the back of the couch with one hand.
Worried, Kirk grabs hold of his other arm to steady him. "Spock? Are you okay?"
Spock straightens up slowly and nods. "I experienced a brief period of dizziness, but it has passed now."
He does seem to have recovered, but Kirk frowns. "I've assigned you the science officer's quarters, but I think I'd better walk you there. Don't want you passing out on the way." He realises he is still holding on to Spock's arm, and lets go.
"I assure you that is not necessary," Spock says. "The cabin is just down the corridor."
"Probably not," Kirk agrees. "But you'd do the same for me."
As he anticipated, Spock has no argument for that. "Very well."
They make it to the science officer's quarters without incident, and Spock enters. Kirk hovers in the doorway for a moment. "Get some rest, okay?" he says.
"I intend to," Spock replies, eyes warm despite his obvious exhaustion. "Goodnight, Jim."
* * * * *
Spock wakes up the next morning still tired. On the positive side, the headache that has been bothering him since he woke up in sickbay has finally gone, and he is able to get out of bed and complete his morning routine without even a hint of dizziness.
Try as he might, he cannot keep his mind from returning to Kirk. Now that he has finally accepted his feelings for Kirk, he can see how badly his absence has hurt his friend. It is no wonder that Kirk is apprehensive about entering into a relationship with him.
Spock frowns as he sits down to pull on his boots. Despite Kirk's reassurance that he has forgiven him, he still wants very much to make things right between them. The problem is that he has no idea how. He has comforted Kirk before, but it is different when he is the cause of his pain. And he has been away for almost three years; they have both changed. He no longer knows Kirk the way he used to.
He gently touches the link in his mind that binds him to Kirk, feeling the warmth of his friend's presence. How could I be so foolish as to keep myself from this? he wonders. If I had said yes years ago things would be so different now. But there is no use dwelling on what might have been, and he firmly puts the thought aside. He cannot change the past; all he can do is hope that Kirk will give him a second chance.
His time-sense tells him that it is almost time for his appointment with Doctor McCoy. Spock tilts his head in thought; it has been his experience that McCoy rarely refrains from giving his own opinion on a situation, and what little he has seen of the doctor since he returned to the Enterprise indicates that he has not lost that quality. Perhaps he will have some idea about how to fix things with Kirk.
With that thought, Spock heads down to sickbay.
McCoy is waiting for him when he arrives, and ushers him into a side room. "Lie down on the bed," he says briskly. "I want to check your brainwaves."
Spock lies down and lets the doctor examine him. After a minute or two, McCoy picks up a PADD and asks, "Have you talked to Jim yet?"
"Yes," Spock replies, focusing on the ceiling. "We spent some time last night discussing our... situation."
"You mean how you're in love with him," McCoy says.
Spock closes his eyes briefly. "Yes." He has never been in the habit of discussing his private thoughts, except occasionally with Kirk, and he can't help but feel uncomfortable at McCoy's bluntness.
McCoy frowns. "You don't seem particularly happy about it. What happened?"
"He is understandably hesitant about entering into a relationship with me," Spock replies. "I thought perhaps you might be able to offer some advice."
"You're asking me for advice?" McCoy says with disbelief. "I should mark this day in my calendar."
"I can ask someone else if it is too much bother, Doctor," Spock says stiffly.
McCoy softens. "No, it's okay, Spock. I'll stop teasing you." He taps his stylus against the PADD absently. "I'm not sure what you're expecting from me, though. There isn't any quick-fix here, and frankly I'm not surprised that Jim's a little skittish. You hurt him pretty bad when you left."
The guilt that coils in Spock's stomach at McCoy's words has become familiar by now. "I am aware of that," he says softly.
"Are you?" McCoy asks. "You didn't see him back then. He might as well have been sleepwalking for the last few weeks of the mission. All he told me was that the two of you had an argument and you left." He puts the PADD down and picks up a tricorder instead. "I have to say, when he told me yesterday what really happened between you two, things started to make a lot more sense."
Emotion threatens to break through Spock's control, and he focuses on calming himself as McCoy runs the tricorder over him. "I never meant to hurt him," he says.
McCoy shrugs. "Doesn't matter." He puts the tricorder aside and looks at Spock. "Look. All I can suggest is just be patient. You'll get there eventually."
He picks up his PADD and Spock assumes the subject is closed.
After making a few more notes, McCoy glances up. "Right; you can sit up now."
Spock sits up and swings his legs over the side of the bed. "What are the results, Doctor?"
McCoy studies his PADD. "Looks like you were lucky. You'll need to take it easy for a few days, but there shouldn't be any permanent damage." He gives Spock a hard look. "I want to make it clear here and now; if you ever do anything that stupid again, I won't be held responsible for my actions." He waves a hand at the cupboards of medical instruments. "These aren't just for decoration, you know. I can make you extremely uncomfortable."
"Duly noted," Spock replies, pushing himself off the table to a standing position. "Although, given that my actions were instrumental in gaining an understanding of the problem, I am not sure they can be classed as ‘stupid'."
"Don't give me that," McCoy retorts. "You could have died. You nearly did." He frowns deeply as he adds, "I don't know when, exactly, ‘meld with it' became your first approach to a problem, but you can't keep doing it. If you don't care about your own life, at least think of Jim."
His last sentence brings Spock up short, and McCoy raises his eyebrows. "I thought that'd get through to you," he drawls. "How do you think he'll feel if you end up getting yourself killed?"
Spock swallows as the words sink in. "I had not considered that," he says quietly. "You are right; I should be more careful."
McCoy looks at him in surprise. "Well, wonders never cease! First you ask me for advice, then you actually admit that I'm right about something. If I didn't have the proof right here I'd think that that mindmeld really did scramble your brains."
"There is no need to be insulting, Doctor," Spock responds. "I was merely making an observation. In any case, even random chance dictates you will be right occasionally."
McCoy glares at him. "I should have known that you wouldn't willingly compliment me. Go on; get out of my sickbay."
* * *
The ship is twenty minutes into Alpha shift when Spock arrives on the bridge. He glances at the science station, where a young woman with lieutenant's stripes is taking readings, then walks over to where Kirk is sitting in the captain's chair.
Kirk turns to look at him and smiles. "Hi, Spock. What did McCoy say?"
"Many things; most of them unnecessary," Spock replies. "But he does not believe there will be any permanent damage."
"That's good," Kirk says with relief. "So you're feeling better this morning?"
"Yes," Spock replies, before adding more formally, "If it is acceptable, Admiral, I should like to return to duty."
"Of course, Mr Spock," Kirk says. "Lieutenant Mackenzie has been covering the science station, but I'm sure she wouldn't mind if you replaced her."
Spock nods. "I shall do so." He touches Kirk's shoulder very briefly, then turns to leave.
"Oh, and Spock?" Kirk says before he can take a step.
Spock turns back. "Yes?"
"I'm glad you're okay." Kirk smiles again and Spock finds it tremendously freeing not to immediately repress the resulting warmth and affection.
"As am I," he replies quietly, before making his way over to the science station.
* * *
The rest of the journey to spacedock is taken up with reports, meetings, inspections, and other types of work. As captain, Kirk is involved in almost everything that goes on on board, and so Spock only manages brief minutes alone with him. They don't have time for a proper conversation until the ship is back in spacedock and they have been properly debriefed by Starfleet.
"Do you have a place to stay?" Kirk asks, as they walk away from Starfleet headquarters.
Spock shakes his head. "I assumed I would find a hotel until I can acquire more long-term lodging."
Kirk glances at him. "You don't have to do that. You can stay with me."
Spock attempts to protest, but Kirk cuts him off. "You won't be imposing. I have a spare room; might as well get some use out of it."
After considering his options, Spock nods. "If you are sure."
"I'm sure," Kirk says. "I wouldn't have offered otherwise." He smiles suddenly. "C'mon; let me show you the place."
It's around a half-hour walk, so they take a taxi. Kirk's apartment is on the third floor of an old brick building. Kirk tells him the building dates from the early twentieth century, but inside it is state-of-the-art.
They take the elevator to the third floor and Kirk leads him down a brightly lit hallway to a door at the end. He presses his hand to a panel beside the door, and turns to Spock as it slides open. "Well, here we are," he says. "Let me show you around."
He gives Spock a quick tour, showing him the lounge, the kitchen, the bathroom, and finally the spare room that he will be sleeping in. The bed is bare and there are boxes piled in one corner.
"I've mostly been using it as a place to store things," Kirk confesses. "It's been a while since I've had anyone to stay."
Spock ponders the meaning of that statement as Kirk leaves to get sheets and blankets for the bed. From what little his friend has divulged of their years apart, his life sounds very lonely. Spock frowns. He will not be alone any more, he vows silently.
Kirk quickly returns with an armful of blankets and pillows. Their fingers brush as Spock takes the blankets, and for a moment they are frozen, staring at each other. Something kindles in Kirk's eyes for a moment, and Spock barely dares to breathe as he again brushes his fingers against Kirk's - very deliberately this time.
But at that moment Kirk's communicator beeps, and the desire in his eyes vanishes instantly. He shoves the blankets into Spock's arms and steps away. "I think you can take it from here," he says, avoiding Spock's eyes. "I'll be in the lounge."
With that, he is gone. Spock stares after him for a few seconds, then turns with a very un-Vulcan sigh and begins to make up the bed.
* * *
Despite Spock's best efforts, they don't get to spend much time together for the first few days. Kirk is busy with meetings about V'Ger and the Enterprise, especially since, as Spock predicted, Command have agreed to make his captaincy permanent.
Spock, on the other hand, is catching up with the nearly three years of developments that he has missed. If he is to return to his old job as first officer, he will need to know the technology - not to mention the rules and regulations - inside out.
The result of this is that, despite living in the same apartment, they see each other for, at most, a few hours a day. Whenever they are together Kirk is unfailingly kind and polite, but he seems determined to keep whatever happened their first night back from happening again, and the result is a definite distance between them.
It hasn't escaped Spock's notice how hard Kirk is working, but he is reluctant to bring up the situation. The look in Kirk's eyes when he talks about the Enterprise is something Spock would never want to take away from him. So, instead, Spock thinks of ways to help him.
He starts by cleaning and organising the apartment. The look of surprise, and then affection and gratitude on Kirk's face when he sees what Spock has done is worth every second of work. And then he overhears Kirk complaining about replicated food, and decides his next job will be to make dinner for the two of them.
The next day, he manages to catch Kirk as he is leaving the apartment, and asks him when he will be back.
"Around seven, if all goes well," Kirk says tiredly. "I'm sorry we haven't gotten to spend much time together."
"It is not your fault," Spock reassures him. "I will see you tonight." He does not mention his plans; Kirk has always been fond of surprises - at least the pleasant kind of surprises.
Kirk smiles. "Yeah. I've been thinking about digging out the chessboard, if you're interested? I can't remember the last time I played."
"I would like that," Spock replies warmly.
Kirk checks the time and sighs. "I have to go. Tonight?"
"Tonight," Spock agrees, and Kirk leaves.
Spock spends the morning finishing off the last of Starfleet's tests, and then decides to go shopping for ingredients.
When he returns, he checks his messages and discovers that he has one from his mother. He realises guiltily that he hasn't contacted his parents since he left Gol, and they have probably heard by now about his role in the V'Ger incident.
Sure enough, the message asks how he is, before moving on to why he didn't tell them he was abandoning the kolinahr ritual to return to Starfleet.
It isn't a conversation that Spock wants to have by text, so, after calculating the time difference to ShiKahr, he taps in a code, and a few minutes later is connected to his parents' house.
His mother answers and smiles when she catches sight of him. "Spock!" she says joyfully, and gives him a look of exasperated affection. "You got my message then?"
"Yes," Spock replies. "I apologise for not contacting you earlier."
She waves a hand dismissively. "Never mind. I'm just happy to see you. I assume you're on Earth?"
Spock nods. "I am staying with Admiral Kirk."
"Your former captain? That was nice of him."
"Yes, it was," Spock agrees.
"He's a friend of yours, isn't he?" she asks. "I remember how kind he was when your father was ill."
Spock doesn't like to remember that time; he came far too close to losing both his father and his closest friend. "He is a good man," he says quietly.
His mother looks at him for a long moment, then says abruptly, "It's good to see you. It's been too long."
Spock doesn't respond, but something inside him aches at her words.
"I don't suppose you'd consider coming for a visit?" she asks. "You can bring Admiral Kirk with you if you want; there's plenty of room."
Spock's first instinct is to say no, but he can't deny that he has missed his mother, and it would be good to see her again, even if it does mean dealing with his father's disapproval. "I shall consider it," he replies instead.
They talk for several minutes more, and by the time they sign off Spock is already considering how to broach the subject with Kirk.
* * *
Kirk gets home earlier than anticipated, around 1800 hours, so the two of them are able to have dinner together. To Spock's relief, Kirk seems touched by his gesture. "Thanks, Spock," he says when they are finished. "I've been living on replicated food for so long I forgot how good it is to eat real stuff."
"You enjoyed it?" Spock asks.
Kirk smiles. "Very much so. Shall we have that chess game now?"
Spock takes a deep breath. "Actually, I have something I need to discuss with you."
He finds himself cursing his words as wariness passes over Kirk's face. "What is it?" Kirk asks.
Spock forces himself not to fidget. "I contacted my mother this afternoon. She wishes me to return to Vulcan for a visit."
Kirk absorbs his words silently. "And you're going?"
"I would like to," Spock admits. "It has been a long time."
Kirk nods. "How long will you be gone?"
"A few days. Perhaps a week." He leans forward and lays a hand on Kirk's arm. "I would be honoured if you would accompany me."
Kirk's expression changes rapidly from surprise, to pleasure, to regret. "I appreciate the thought, but I'm not sure I can leave right now."
"Yes, you can," Spock replies earnestly. "It will be months before the Enterprise is ready to ship out. You do not have to watch over it every minute."
Kirk sighs. "It isn't that easy. I have meetings to go to and paperwork to file, and there's so much still to be done. I can't just go running off to Vulcan."
Spock stares at him. He is making a logical choice, he tells himself, but disappointment coils in his stomach all the same. "I understand," he says, then adds hesitantly, "I am willing to postpone my trip, if that would help?"
Kirk smiles at him and shakes his head. "You don't have to do that. They're your parents; you should go see them." He takes hold of Spock's hand and squeezes it gently. "I'm sure I can manage without you for a few days."
Spock doesn't feel any hurt or anger through their touch; Kirk's words appear to be genuine. He quashes his disappointment and squeezes back. "I understand," he says quietly. "I will, of course, return as soon as I am able."
He takes a breath and changes the subject. "Perhaps we could have that game of chess now?"
Kirk smiles. "Absolutely."
* * *
Spock leaves for Vulcan two days later.
Kirk goes with him to the shuttle port, to see him off. They don't talk much, but Spock appreciates the company anyway. He finds himself reluctant to leave Kirk; they have been reunited less than a week, and already they are being separated.
When his shuttle begins boarding, he stands up and turns to face Kirk. "You will contact me with any news?" he asks.
Kirk smiles, a little wanly. "Of course." He shuffles his feet and adds, "I don't want to sound like a parent, but you'll call me and let me know you got there safely?"
"Of course," Spock replies, allowing his lips to curl into a small smile as he looks at his friend. Emotion wells up before he can master it, and he reaches out and lays a hand on Kirk's arm. "I will… miss you."
Kirk shakes his head. "You really have changed." He smiles and adds, "I'll miss you too. I wish I could come with you, but…"
"I know," Spock says quietly.
They stand there, staring at each other, until Spock's shuttle is called again. "You'd better go," Kirk says, and Spock nods.
Reluctantly, he turns and heads towards the shuttle, forcing himself not to look back.
Next
Pairing: Kirk/Spock, mentions of canon others
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Kirk is understandably hesitant about starting a relationship with Spock; the last time he tried, Spock left him to pursue the kolinahr. But when Spock becomes ill while visiting his parents on Vulcan, Kirk decides that some things are worth the risk.
Words: ~6500/20800
Notes: Written for classictrekbb . Art by yawmin is here, fanmix by logically_thyla is here. Thanks to marlee813 for the read-through.
When the dust finally settles, the first person Kirk seeks out isn't Spock, but McCoy. He'll have to talk to Spock at some point, of course, but he needs some time to figure out what he's going to say. When Spock took his hand in sickbay and said those words, the way forward seemed so obvious, but now that he's had some time to think, doubts have crept in.
Part of him wants to just say yes - this is, after all, what he's wanted for years - but another part reminds him firmly that Spock left him once, and can easily do so again. And then there's a third part quietly considering the possibility that he's reading more into Spock's words than was intended, and setting himself up for a huge disappointment.
He hopes that talking to McCoy might help him get his thoughts into some kind of order. He heads down to sickbay and finds McCoy rummaging through a cupboard and muttering to himself. When he catches sight of Kirk he straightens up and says with annoyance, "Is it really so much to ask for some kind of organised system? It takes me twice as long to find anything in this place as it did in the old sickbay."
Kirk grins despite himself; Spock isn't the only person he's missed these past few years. "So have one of the ensigns reorganise it," he suggests, half seriously. "Give them something to do."
"I just might," McCoy says. He studies Kirk for a moment. "You talked to Spock yet?"
Kirk rubs the back of his neck. McCoy has always been able to see through him when it comes to Spock; it's one of his more annoying qualities. "Actually, I wanted to talk about that." He glances around and adds, "Ideally in private." He's fairly sure there are already rumours circulating from the scene in sickbay, but he'd prefer not to add to them if at all possible. At least, not yet.
"Sure," McCoy says with a shrug. "My office is just through there." He gestures at one of the interior doors, then sets off in the direction indicated, glancing back to make sure that Kirk is still with him.
Kirk follows his friend through the door, along a short corridor, and into an office marked CMO. He glances around as he enters; the office is a reasonable size, but pretty bare. No stacks of microtapes, no PADDs spread about the desk - there aren't even any pictures on the wall. He remembers how McCoy's office used to look - a sort of organised chaos. Looking at this, he thinks he prefers it that way - it may have been cluttered, but it had character.
With a shake of the head he tears his thoughts back to the present and sees that McCoy has already sat down in the chair behind the desk. He sits down opposite him, laces his fingers together and rests his hands on the desk in front of him. "I don't suppose you have anything to drink?" he asks. He's fairly sure he already knows the answer, but he can't help hoping - even without the whole Spock situation it's been a long few days. He could really do with something alcoholic right now.
McCoy shakes his head. "Normally I would, but somebody got me drafted," he says acerbically. "I didn't exactly have time to stop for supplies."
"Yeah, sorry about that," Kirk lies. "But you can't tell me you haven't enjoyed being back here."
"It has its moments," McCoy admits grudgingly. "Now, about Spock..."
"How is he?" Kirk asks.
McCoy raises an eyebrow, but lets the diversion pass for the moment. "Medically? He's recovering, but I still don't know the full extent of the damage. Physically he's fine, but mentally... I don't know, Jim. I'd be surprised if he's come through all this entirely unscathed."
Kirk's stomach twists at the thought. "He was crying earlier," he says slowly. He thought it was odd at the time, but they had bigger things to worry about. Now he wonders if it might be a symptom of something serious.
"I noticed." McCoy looks at him, and says gently, "Don't start calculating worst case scenarios just yet, Jim. He could be fine." He rolls his eyes good-naturedly. "It wouldn't be the first time the pointy-eared pain-in-my-ass has walked away from something that should have killed him."
Kirk manages a wan smile. He knows that worrying won't solve anything, but he never has been able to bear the thought of Spock being hurt.
"I'm going to give him a full run down tomorrow," McCoy adds. "Just to be sure."
Kirk nods slowly. "Oh, I talked to Scotty," he says. "We'll be back at spacedock in a day or so."
McCoy fixes him with a look. "And then what?"
Kirk looks down at his hands; he knew they'd get to this point eventually. "I want to keep the ship," he says quietly. After fighting so hard to get her back - and he still feels a little guilty about what he did to Decker - he isn't going to just let her go again. But the Enterprise isn't the only thing he doesn't want to let go of.
"What about Spock?" McCoy asks, and Kirk looks up sharply.
Forcing himself to relax, he shrugs. "I haven't had a chance to talk to him yet. And I haven't figured out what I'm going to say to him when I do get the chance."
"Tell him you love him," McCoy suggests, as if it's the obvious response. Kirk gives him a sharp look. "Oh, don't look at me like that. I was there, remember? Spock wasn't the only one making his feelings clear."
"It's not that simple," Kirk says, wondering privately whether McCoy's insight is due to knowing him so well, or if he really is that transparent. "Three years ago I told him I loved him, and he left."
He's never told McCoy what really happened back then. He didn't want to think about it - about how everything suddenly went horribly wrong - and he certainly didn't want to talk about it.
There's a long moment of silence before McCoy says, "Well, now. That explains a lot."
"Is that all you can say?" Kirk snaps in irritation.
"Give me a minute!" McCoy protests. He studies Kirk, frowning. "Why didn't you tell me this back then?"
Kirk shrugs, still frustrated and irritable. "I told you he left. I didn't think it made any difference why."
He doesn't like thinking about that time. His most vivid memory of the time just after Spock left is of the pain. Several times a day he would think of something to tell Spock, and then realise that he would likely never tell Spock anything ever again. He still had two weeks of duty left on the Enterprise, and after walking the halls without his shadow for the remainder of that time, it was almost a relief to take a ground posting.
McCoy fought him all the way, telling him it was a stupid idea, that he belonged in space, that he'd come to regret the decision, but Kirk didn't listen. All he wanted by that point was to get away from the ship and the constant reminders of Spock. By the time he realised McCoy was right, his friend was lightyears away, studying Fabrini medicine on their newly colonised planet.
McCoy's voice brings him back to the present. "You think he's going to leave again."
Kirk doesn't look at him. "I don't know," he says dully. "He left before." And I can't deal with that kind of pain again, I just can't.
"Jim," McCoy says, and Kirk looks up at him. "You need to talk to him. Get it all out in the open. Chances are he's probably feeling just as unsure about all this as you are; after all, that was a pretty blatant expression of emotion earlier."
"That's what I'm afraid of," Kirk mutters. He hasn't forgotten that it was emotion that sent Spock running the last time.
"You don't have to make any long term decisions," McCoy continues. "Just talk to him. You can figure out the rest once you know where you stand." He smiles. "For what it's worth, I think he'll stay."
Kirk nods slowly. His friend has a point; if he wants answers, he's going to have to go to the source. "I suppose you're right," he says without enthusiasm, then presses his palms against the desk and stands. "I'd better go find him."
He gets as far as the doorway before turning back. "Thanks, Bones," he says honestly. "I owe you a drink when we get back to Earth."
"You owe me several," McCoy shoots back, before making a shooing motion with his hands. "Go find Spock."
* * *
It occurs to Kirk as he heads towards the turbolifts that he has no idea where Spock is; the other man doesn't even officially have a cabin. Kirk frowns and decides he'll have to fix that as soon as possible. The science officer's quarters will be empty; Spock can have those. Kirk feels a pang for Sonak - he originally chose the young Vulcan as science officer because he reminded him of Spock, and he can't help feeling a little guilty about it. If he'd decided on someone else - if he hadn't been so caught up in his own troubles - Sonak would still be alive.
But then someone else would be dead, he thinks. He knows, intellectually, that he couldn't have prevented Sonak's death, just like he couldn't prevent Decker's or Ilia's. Or Lori's. But it doesn't change the way he feels.
He enters the turbolift and orders it to the officer's deck. He'll go to his cabin and order the computer to assign Spock the science officer's quarters, and he'll be able to ask the computer for Spock's location.
As it turns out, he doesn't need to ask for Spock's location. When he enters his cabin, Spock is sitting on the couch, studying a PADD. He puts it down when he notices Kirk, before standing up and coming over to him.
"Jim," he says warmly, and Kirk marvels at the difference between this Spock and the stranger who greeted him on the bridge.
"Hey," he says, finding his lips turning into a smile almost against his will. He looks around the room pointedly, and raises his eyebrows. "How'd you get in here?"
"The door was not locked," Spock replies. His expression grows uncertain. "I wanted to talk to you, and I thought this would be the logical place to wait. However, if I have overstepped my bounds-"
Kirk raises a hand to stop him. "It's fine, Spock. You're right, we need to talk. Sit down?" He gestures to the couch that Spock vacated a few moments ago. Spock immediately goes to sit down, and again Kirk can't help but contrast it with his earlier behaviour.
He follows Spock over and sits down beside him, then spends a few seconds just studying him. He is not entirely reassured by what he sees. Spock is very pale, and there are lines of tension around his eyes. Kirk remembers McCoy's words and feels his heart speed up slightly. "Are you feeling okay?" he asks. "You don't look well."
Spock laces his fingers together in his lap and looks down at them. "I am not at my best," he admits. "My control over my telepathic abilities has been substantially reduced since the mindmeld. Contact with others is currently... taxing."
That explains why he looks so exhausted. Kirk reaches out instinctively before Spock's words fully sink in. "Does that mean I shouldn't touch you?"
He starts to pull his hand back, but Spock reaches out himself and curls his fingers around Kirk's. "Your touch could never be unpleasant," Spock says, and Kirk feels something between them flare into life.
He'd almost convinced himself that he'd imagined this; this awareness of Spock, that he never really noticed until it was gone. He hasn't felt it since the last few weeks of the mission - before Spock shut him out and left. He closes his eyes and smiles at the familiar warmth.
But when he feels Spock's other hand come up to touch his cheek, he pulls away. He reluctantly extracts his hand from Spock's grip and rubs it absently with the other as he takes a few deep breaths. "Spock..." he begins quietly, then pauses, unsure how to put his feelings into words.
"You don't want this," Spock says. His voice is completely level and impersonal, but Kirk doesn't miss the flash of pain in his eyes.
Kirk shakes his head. "It's not that." He runs his hands through his hair and stares at Spock.
"You left me," he says, and all the pain and frustration of the past few years - and especially the past few days - comes rushing out. "You left and I thought I was never going to see you again. I spent nearly three years grounded and miserable, and I thought that if you ever came back I'd be happy to go back to what we were - to be friends, or whatever you wanted." He snorts. "And then you did come back, and we might as well have been strangers." He takes a deep breath and adds quietly, "I know things are different now, but I can't just forget all that."
Spock looks stricken. "Jim...." He reaches out as if to touch Kirk's arm, but pulls back and drops his hand into his lap. "I'm sorry," he says. "I should never have left you."
No, you shouldn't have, Kirk thinks with a touch of resentment, but doesn't voice the thought. "You could have talked to me about it," he says.
Spock shakes his head. "No, I couldn't." He shifts to better face Kirk and their knees brush together. "I... love you," he says quietly, hesitating slightly over the word ‘love'. "I believe I have loved you for a very long time. But back then I could not admit it to myself, much less you." His gaze shifts past Kirk and lands somewhere on the far wall. "My reactions to you have never been entirely logical, and near the end of the five-year mission I began to realise this. I have been told all my life that I should not allow emotion to influence my decisions, but with you I found I could not do otherwise. I was torn."
He meets Kirk's eyes tentatively. "When you told me of your feelings, I... panicked. I could barely deal with my own emotions, let alone yours. I believe I had convinced myself that my emotions toward you were purely friendly, and when I realised that was not true...."
"You couldn't deal with it," Kirk finishes.
Spock nods. "At the time, the prospect of being without emotion seemed particularly attractive. I never stopped to think how it would affect you." He reaches out again, and this time gently touches Kirk's sleeve. "I intensely regret causing you distress, and I understand that it will likely take time for you to forgive me."
Kirk shakes his head. "I do forgive you. That's not the issue." He pauses, then adds, "Well, maybe a little. But it's not the main issue." As Spock's expression changes to one of uncertainty, he takes a deep breath. "I forgive you, but I'm not sure I can trust you. What's to stop you leaving again?"
Spock stares at him. "I do not wish to be anywhere but at your side."
The words make something well up in Kirk's chest, but he pushes it down and says quietly, "I've heard that before."
Spock lays a hand over his. "Jim. I promise I will not leave you again. And I am prepared to wait as long as it takes for you to believe that."
Part of Kirk wants to believe him, wants nothing more than to kiss him and hold him and be with him in every way possible. But as strong as that desire is, it isn't enough to override his fear. "I think," he says slowly, "I'd be more comfortable if we concentrated on rebuilding our friendship, and see where we go from there." He turns his hand over so that they're palm to palm, and adds softly, "I need some time to think."
Spock's fingers curl gently around his. "I understand. In many ways it is more than I deserve."
Kirk smiles. "Okay then." He looks down at where Spock is still holding his hand, enjoying the way their connection is enhanced by the contact. "I've missed this," he admits. "I couldn't feel you at all these past few years. I think it's why I got so lost."
He holds up his free hand as Spock opens his mouth to speak. "Please don't start apologising again. I meant what I said; I forgive you. And I can hardly blame you for my own stupid choices." He sighs and gently extracts his hand from Spock's.
"Have you decided what you will do once we return to Earth?" Spock asks, after a few seconds of silence.
Kirk looks at him. "I'm not going to go back to a ground posting. I can't." The very idea puts him on the verge of panicking. To go back to that after soaring through the stars again... it'll be hell.
"I suspected as much," Spock replies, bringing him back to reality. "This is where you belong."
Kirk sighs. "I'm not sure Command will see it that way."
"You will convince them," Spock says. "And I am certain that the crew will back you up."
Kirk relaxes slightly at the certainty in Spock's tone. "Well," he says, "if I'm going to be captain again, I'm going to need a first officer." He raises his eyebrows in an invitation.
Affection softens Spock's gaze. "I would be honoured."
* * *
They spend some time after that discussing the ship and crew, and then move on to other topics of conversation. As if by mutual agreement, they avoid bringing up the past; they'll have to discuss it at some point, but not tonight.
Kirk is surprised at how easy it is to fall back into their old patterns. He even finds himself teasing Spock, once or twice, like they used to, and smiling when Spock puts on a completely straight face and teases back. He realises that it's going to be a lot harder than he thought to keep himself from getting too deeply involved.
Eventually Kirk becomes aware that the strains of the last few days are getting to Spock, and calls a halt. "You need to rest," he says, standing up. "We can talk more tomorrow."
Spock stands up and looks for a moment as though he is about to argue, but then wavers and grabs on to the back of the couch with one hand.
Worried, Kirk grabs hold of his other arm to steady him. "Spock? Are you okay?"
Spock straightens up slowly and nods. "I experienced a brief period of dizziness, but it has passed now."
He does seem to have recovered, but Kirk frowns. "I've assigned you the science officer's quarters, but I think I'd better walk you there. Don't want you passing out on the way." He realises he is still holding on to Spock's arm, and lets go.
"I assure you that is not necessary," Spock says. "The cabin is just down the corridor."
"Probably not," Kirk agrees. "But you'd do the same for me."
As he anticipated, Spock has no argument for that. "Very well."
They make it to the science officer's quarters without incident, and Spock enters. Kirk hovers in the doorway for a moment. "Get some rest, okay?" he says.
"I intend to," Spock replies, eyes warm despite his obvious exhaustion. "Goodnight, Jim."
* * * * *
Spock wakes up the next morning still tired. On the positive side, the headache that has been bothering him since he woke up in sickbay has finally gone, and he is able to get out of bed and complete his morning routine without even a hint of dizziness.
Try as he might, he cannot keep his mind from returning to Kirk. Now that he has finally accepted his feelings for Kirk, he can see how badly his absence has hurt his friend. It is no wonder that Kirk is apprehensive about entering into a relationship with him.
Spock frowns as he sits down to pull on his boots. Despite Kirk's reassurance that he has forgiven him, he still wants very much to make things right between them. The problem is that he has no idea how. He has comforted Kirk before, but it is different when he is the cause of his pain. And he has been away for almost three years; they have both changed. He no longer knows Kirk the way he used to.
He gently touches the link in his mind that binds him to Kirk, feeling the warmth of his friend's presence. How could I be so foolish as to keep myself from this? he wonders. If I had said yes years ago things would be so different now. But there is no use dwelling on what might have been, and he firmly puts the thought aside. He cannot change the past; all he can do is hope that Kirk will give him a second chance.
His time-sense tells him that it is almost time for his appointment with Doctor McCoy. Spock tilts his head in thought; it has been his experience that McCoy rarely refrains from giving his own opinion on a situation, and what little he has seen of the doctor since he returned to the Enterprise indicates that he has not lost that quality. Perhaps he will have some idea about how to fix things with Kirk.
With that thought, Spock heads down to sickbay.
McCoy is waiting for him when he arrives, and ushers him into a side room. "Lie down on the bed," he says briskly. "I want to check your brainwaves."
Spock lies down and lets the doctor examine him. After a minute or two, McCoy picks up a PADD and asks, "Have you talked to Jim yet?"
"Yes," Spock replies, focusing on the ceiling. "We spent some time last night discussing our... situation."
"You mean how you're in love with him," McCoy says.
Spock closes his eyes briefly. "Yes." He has never been in the habit of discussing his private thoughts, except occasionally with Kirk, and he can't help but feel uncomfortable at McCoy's bluntness.
McCoy frowns. "You don't seem particularly happy about it. What happened?"
"He is understandably hesitant about entering into a relationship with me," Spock replies. "I thought perhaps you might be able to offer some advice."
"You're asking me for advice?" McCoy says with disbelief. "I should mark this day in my calendar."
"I can ask someone else if it is too much bother, Doctor," Spock says stiffly.
McCoy softens. "No, it's okay, Spock. I'll stop teasing you." He taps his stylus against the PADD absently. "I'm not sure what you're expecting from me, though. There isn't any quick-fix here, and frankly I'm not surprised that Jim's a little skittish. You hurt him pretty bad when you left."
The guilt that coils in Spock's stomach at McCoy's words has become familiar by now. "I am aware of that," he says softly.
"Are you?" McCoy asks. "You didn't see him back then. He might as well have been sleepwalking for the last few weeks of the mission. All he told me was that the two of you had an argument and you left." He puts the PADD down and picks up a tricorder instead. "I have to say, when he told me yesterday what really happened between you two, things started to make a lot more sense."
Emotion threatens to break through Spock's control, and he focuses on calming himself as McCoy runs the tricorder over him. "I never meant to hurt him," he says.
McCoy shrugs. "Doesn't matter." He puts the tricorder aside and looks at Spock. "Look. All I can suggest is just be patient. You'll get there eventually."
He picks up his PADD and Spock assumes the subject is closed.
After making a few more notes, McCoy glances up. "Right; you can sit up now."
Spock sits up and swings his legs over the side of the bed. "What are the results, Doctor?"
McCoy studies his PADD. "Looks like you were lucky. You'll need to take it easy for a few days, but there shouldn't be any permanent damage." He gives Spock a hard look. "I want to make it clear here and now; if you ever do anything that stupid again, I won't be held responsible for my actions." He waves a hand at the cupboards of medical instruments. "These aren't just for decoration, you know. I can make you extremely uncomfortable."
"Duly noted," Spock replies, pushing himself off the table to a standing position. "Although, given that my actions were instrumental in gaining an understanding of the problem, I am not sure they can be classed as ‘stupid'."
"Don't give me that," McCoy retorts. "You could have died. You nearly did." He frowns deeply as he adds, "I don't know when, exactly, ‘meld with it' became your first approach to a problem, but you can't keep doing it. If you don't care about your own life, at least think of Jim."
His last sentence brings Spock up short, and McCoy raises his eyebrows. "I thought that'd get through to you," he drawls. "How do you think he'll feel if you end up getting yourself killed?"
Spock swallows as the words sink in. "I had not considered that," he says quietly. "You are right; I should be more careful."
McCoy looks at him in surprise. "Well, wonders never cease! First you ask me for advice, then you actually admit that I'm right about something. If I didn't have the proof right here I'd think that that mindmeld really did scramble your brains."
"There is no need to be insulting, Doctor," Spock responds. "I was merely making an observation. In any case, even random chance dictates you will be right occasionally."
McCoy glares at him. "I should have known that you wouldn't willingly compliment me. Go on; get out of my sickbay."
* * *
The ship is twenty minutes into Alpha shift when Spock arrives on the bridge. He glances at the science station, where a young woman with lieutenant's stripes is taking readings, then walks over to where Kirk is sitting in the captain's chair.
Kirk turns to look at him and smiles. "Hi, Spock. What did McCoy say?"
"Many things; most of them unnecessary," Spock replies. "But he does not believe there will be any permanent damage."
"That's good," Kirk says with relief. "So you're feeling better this morning?"
"Yes," Spock replies, before adding more formally, "If it is acceptable, Admiral, I should like to return to duty."
"Of course, Mr Spock," Kirk says. "Lieutenant Mackenzie has been covering the science station, but I'm sure she wouldn't mind if you replaced her."
Spock nods. "I shall do so." He touches Kirk's shoulder very briefly, then turns to leave.
"Oh, and Spock?" Kirk says before he can take a step.
Spock turns back. "Yes?"
"I'm glad you're okay." Kirk smiles again and Spock finds it tremendously freeing not to immediately repress the resulting warmth and affection.
"As am I," he replies quietly, before making his way over to the science station.
* * *
The rest of the journey to spacedock is taken up with reports, meetings, inspections, and other types of work. As captain, Kirk is involved in almost everything that goes on on board, and so Spock only manages brief minutes alone with him. They don't have time for a proper conversation until the ship is back in spacedock and they have been properly debriefed by Starfleet.
"Do you have a place to stay?" Kirk asks, as they walk away from Starfleet headquarters.
Spock shakes his head. "I assumed I would find a hotel until I can acquire more long-term lodging."
Kirk glances at him. "You don't have to do that. You can stay with me."
Spock attempts to protest, but Kirk cuts him off. "You won't be imposing. I have a spare room; might as well get some use out of it."
After considering his options, Spock nods. "If you are sure."
"I'm sure," Kirk says. "I wouldn't have offered otherwise." He smiles suddenly. "C'mon; let me show you the place."
It's around a half-hour walk, so they take a taxi. Kirk's apartment is on the third floor of an old brick building. Kirk tells him the building dates from the early twentieth century, but inside it is state-of-the-art.
They take the elevator to the third floor and Kirk leads him down a brightly lit hallway to a door at the end. He presses his hand to a panel beside the door, and turns to Spock as it slides open. "Well, here we are," he says. "Let me show you around."
He gives Spock a quick tour, showing him the lounge, the kitchen, the bathroom, and finally the spare room that he will be sleeping in. The bed is bare and there are boxes piled in one corner.
"I've mostly been using it as a place to store things," Kirk confesses. "It's been a while since I've had anyone to stay."
Spock ponders the meaning of that statement as Kirk leaves to get sheets and blankets for the bed. From what little his friend has divulged of their years apart, his life sounds very lonely. Spock frowns. He will not be alone any more, he vows silently.
Kirk quickly returns with an armful of blankets and pillows. Their fingers brush as Spock takes the blankets, and for a moment they are frozen, staring at each other. Something kindles in Kirk's eyes for a moment, and Spock barely dares to breathe as he again brushes his fingers against Kirk's - very deliberately this time.
But at that moment Kirk's communicator beeps, and the desire in his eyes vanishes instantly. He shoves the blankets into Spock's arms and steps away. "I think you can take it from here," he says, avoiding Spock's eyes. "I'll be in the lounge."
With that, he is gone. Spock stares after him for a few seconds, then turns with a very un-Vulcan sigh and begins to make up the bed.
* * *
Despite Spock's best efforts, they don't get to spend much time together for the first few days. Kirk is busy with meetings about V'Ger and the Enterprise, especially since, as Spock predicted, Command have agreed to make his captaincy permanent.
Spock, on the other hand, is catching up with the nearly three years of developments that he has missed. If he is to return to his old job as first officer, he will need to know the technology - not to mention the rules and regulations - inside out.
The result of this is that, despite living in the same apartment, they see each other for, at most, a few hours a day. Whenever they are together Kirk is unfailingly kind and polite, but he seems determined to keep whatever happened their first night back from happening again, and the result is a definite distance between them.
It hasn't escaped Spock's notice how hard Kirk is working, but he is reluctant to bring up the situation. The look in Kirk's eyes when he talks about the Enterprise is something Spock would never want to take away from him. So, instead, Spock thinks of ways to help him.
He starts by cleaning and organising the apartment. The look of surprise, and then affection and gratitude on Kirk's face when he sees what Spock has done is worth every second of work. And then he overhears Kirk complaining about replicated food, and decides his next job will be to make dinner for the two of them.
The next day, he manages to catch Kirk as he is leaving the apartment, and asks him when he will be back.
"Around seven, if all goes well," Kirk says tiredly. "I'm sorry we haven't gotten to spend much time together."
"It is not your fault," Spock reassures him. "I will see you tonight." He does not mention his plans; Kirk has always been fond of surprises - at least the pleasant kind of surprises.
Kirk smiles. "Yeah. I've been thinking about digging out the chessboard, if you're interested? I can't remember the last time I played."
"I would like that," Spock replies warmly.
Kirk checks the time and sighs. "I have to go. Tonight?"
"Tonight," Spock agrees, and Kirk leaves.
Spock spends the morning finishing off the last of Starfleet's tests, and then decides to go shopping for ingredients.
When he returns, he checks his messages and discovers that he has one from his mother. He realises guiltily that he hasn't contacted his parents since he left Gol, and they have probably heard by now about his role in the V'Ger incident.
Sure enough, the message asks how he is, before moving on to why he didn't tell them he was abandoning the kolinahr ritual to return to Starfleet.
It isn't a conversation that Spock wants to have by text, so, after calculating the time difference to ShiKahr, he taps in a code, and a few minutes later is connected to his parents' house.
His mother answers and smiles when she catches sight of him. "Spock!" she says joyfully, and gives him a look of exasperated affection. "You got my message then?"
"Yes," Spock replies. "I apologise for not contacting you earlier."
She waves a hand dismissively. "Never mind. I'm just happy to see you. I assume you're on Earth?"
Spock nods. "I am staying with Admiral Kirk."
"Your former captain? That was nice of him."
"Yes, it was," Spock agrees.
"He's a friend of yours, isn't he?" she asks. "I remember how kind he was when your father was ill."
Spock doesn't like to remember that time; he came far too close to losing both his father and his closest friend. "He is a good man," he says quietly.
His mother looks at him for a long moment, then says abruptly, "It's good to see you. It's been too long."
Spock doesn't respond, but something inside him aches at her words.
"I don't suppose you'd consider coming for a visit?" she asks. "You can bring Admiral Kirk with you if you want; there's plenty of room."
Spock's first instinct is to say no, but he can't deny that he has missed his mother, and it would be good to see her again, even if it does mean dealing with his father's disapproval. "I shall consider it," he replies instead.
They talk for several minutes more, and by the time they sign off Spock is already considering how to broach the subject with Kirk.
* * *
Kirk gets home earlier than anticipated, around 1800 hours, so the two of them are able to have dinner together. To Spock's relief, Kirk seems touched by his gesture. "Thanks, Spock," he says when they are finished. "I've been living on replicated food for so long I forgot how good it is to eat real stuff."
"You enjoyed it?" Spock asks.
Kirk smiles. "Very much so. Shall we have that chess game now?"
Spock takes a deep breath. "Actually, I have something I need to discuss with you."
He finds himself cursing his words as wariness passes over Kirk's face. "What is it?" Kirk asks.
Spock forces himself not to fidget. "I contacted my mother this afternoon. She wishes me to return to Vulcan for a visit."
Kirk absorbs his words silently. "And you're going?"
"I would like to," Spock admits. "It has been a long time."
Kirk nods. "How long will you be gone?"
"A few days. Perhaps a week." He leans forward and lays a hand on Kirk's arm. "I would be honoured if you would accompany me."
Kirk's expression changes rapidly from surprise, to pleasure, to regret. "I appreciate the thought, but I'm not sure I can leave right now."
"Yes, you can," Spock replies earnestly. "It will be months before the Enterprise is ready to ship out. You do not have to watch over it every minute."
Kirk sighs. "It isn't that easy. I have meetings to go to and paperwork to file, and there's so much still to be done. I can't just go running off to Vulcan."
Spock stares at him. He is making a logical choice, he tells himself, but disappointment coils in his stomach all the same. "I understand," he says, then adds hesitantly, "I am willing to postpone my trip, if that would help?"
Kirk smiles at him and shakes his head. "You don't have to do that. They're your parents; you should go see them." He takes hold of Spock's hand and squeezes it gently. "I'm sure I can manage without you for a few days."
Spock doesn't feel any hurt or anger through their touch; Kirk's words appear to be genuine. He quashes his disappointment and squeezes back. "I understand," he says quietly. "I will, of course, return as soon as I am able."
He takes a breath and changes the subject. "Perhaps we could have that game of chess now?"
Kirk smiles. "Absolutely."
* * *
Spock leaves for Vulcan two days later.
Kirk goes with him to the shuttle port, to see him off. They don't talk much, but Spock appreciates the company anyway. He finds himself reluctant to leave Kirk; they have been reunited less than a week, and already they are being separated.
When his shuttle begins boarding, he stands up and turns to face Kirk. "You will contact me with any news?" he asks.
Kirk smiles, a little wanly. "Of course." He shuffles his feet and adds, "I don't want to sound like a parent, but you'll call me and let me know you got there safely?"
"Of course," Spock replies, allowing his lips to curl into a small smile as he looks at his friend. Emotion wells up before he can master it, and he reaches out and lays a hand on Kirk's arm. "I will… miss you."
Kirk shakes his head. "You really have changed." He smiles and adds, "I'll miss you too. I wish I could come with you, but…"
"I know," Spock says quietly.
They stand there, staring at each other, until Spock's shuttle is called again. "You'd better go," Kirk says, and Spock nods.
Reluctantly, he turns and heads towards the shuttle, forcing himself not to look back.
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