All Of My Regrets Are Nothing New [PG] (2/3)
[back]
No one knows just how deep it goes
We are old in your teenaged tyranny
And all you need is a hunger to feed
I've got my own secrets though
While Archie slept, I did some laundry and tidied up a bit. The place was a mess, as if no one had taken care of it in months. That was probably the truth, I reminded myself as I cleaned the kitchen and swept the whole house. I wasn't at all tired, but I took a break to have dinner and check on Archie, who was sleeping peacefully in his bed that we had gotten rid of all traces of Samantha's stay. I thought he was getting the first full night of sleep in a whole month, and that made me feel at least a bit lighter about having imposed myself into his life again.
I was sitting on a stool at the kitchen when my phone vibrated over the counter. I had set it not to ring to avoid disturbing Archie in case anyone decided to call me. I glanced at the screen and read it was Brooke calling. I flipped it open and greeted her in a low voice.
"I take it he's sleeping," she said.
"Yeah, pretty much. He's calmed down a bit. He was a complete wreck, Brooke."
"I thought so," she agreed with me. "Listen, Dave, Lupe has called me. Said she wanted to know what was going on."
"I told her I'd call her tonight," I muttered. "I clearly forgot about it."
"Well, then call her. She's waiting up for you."
"It's still early in Murray," I pointed out.
"Dave, they're not in Utah," she retorted quickly. "They're here, in Los Angeles. They flew in as soon as you told Lupe you'd be trying to contact Archie."
"Shit," I swore. "Shit, shit, shit. I'm hanging up, Brooke. I have to call them and try to convince them that that wasn't the best of moves right now."
"Good luck with that," she wished me. "Keep me informed!"
As soon as I hang up, I dialed two on my speed dial program and waited for the rings to wear out. A soft voice picked it up, a voice that reminded me a lot of Archie's.
"Lupe," I greeted. "It's David Cook."
"Good night, sweetie," she said. "Have you spoken to Brooke?"
"Yeah," I gritted my teeth. She was straight to the point, exactly how I feared she would be. "What were you thinking, leaving the kids alone in Murray? Lupe!"
"He is our baby as well," she justified herself. "Besides, Claudia is taking care of Amber and Jazzy."
I sighed. I knew Lupe and Jeff had been worried about Archie, not only since the news on the breakup spread, but since the very moment when he had decided to live on his own with his girlfriend of barely three months. Archie had shut everyone out, and Jeff had made it his aim in life to ignore the fact that he even had a son named David. Lupe and I had kept in touch ever since the second we all found out I was the only person alive from his past Archie was still speaking to.
"Okay. You know what you're doing, Lupe," I conceded her. "I have it mostly under control. Samantha appeared this afternoon, but Archie threw her out. He was very brave."
"Do you think he would want to see us?"
"I'm actually not sure, Lupe." I bit my lip as I spoke. Before saying anything else, I stood up and closed the kitchen door. I didn't want Archie to wake up to me convincing his mother of the good and bad of them visiting. "I think it'll do him some good to see you, but on the other hand I just know he'll freak out if he sees you in his living room."
"What about we just go there tomorrow and we'll see from then on?"
I hesitated for a few seconds before actually replying. I honestly didn't know what to say. The decision wasn't mine to make.
"What do you think, Dave?" Lupe pushed me. "What do you think he needs? You've been closer to him than anyone else."
"I..." I swallowed hard. "I think he can use the presence of his parents here tomorrow morning, Lupe. He needs you to deal with this. I'm not his mother."
"But you love him as well," she whispered. I refused to acknowledge that statement. "Okay, we'll be there coming the morning. Nine thirty sounds good?"
"Perfect," I assured her. "I'll spend here the night; don't want him to be on his own. He's been alone for far too long."
"That's actually a great idea, Dave. Take care of him. See you tomorrow."
I took a large bit of my sandwich and munched on it long after the phone conversation had ended, musing over everything I had learned that day. When I realized it was nearly one in the morning and I was still up with all the lights on, I quickly cleaned what I had used and went to the living room to sleep on the couch. As much as I would have loved to lay down on the bed in the guest room, I decided against it because the living room was closer to Archie's room. I could hear him if he had any need during the night.
Covering myself with a thin blanket and using a cushion as pillow, I lulled myself to sleep.
The next morning I awoke earlier than surely needed - earlier than it was legal, for sure. My cell phone was vibrating against my thigh, in the front pocket of the jeans I had slept in. I sat on the couch, wincing when the thick layer of clothing rasped against my skin. I took the phone out of its confinement and opened it.
"Lupe?" I asked when I heard someone talking in a really fast Spanish. "Lupe, I can't understand you if you don't speak slower. I can't pick up on your words!"
"Oh, sorry," she apologized, going back to English. "I didn't realize---"
"It's okay," I assured her. "I just wasn't expecting you to call. Do you have any problem? It's..." I checked my watch, "eight in the morning. You aren't supposed to be here until half past nine."
"There's an inconvenience," she whispered. For a second I didn't hear anything, and I feared the line had gone dead. But then I heard a high pitched intake of breath.
"Lupe?"
"We---" she stuttered. I had talked to her enough times to know she was crying. "We don't know where David lives." she confessed.
I frowned. I didn't understand it - Archie had told me his parents knew where to find him, but maybe he had meant if his parents wanted to contact him by phone. It saddened me to hear Lupe crying over that, because they were once a happy and close family, and Samantha - with a bit of help from everyone - had managed to destroy that paradise as well.
"Don't freak out, Lupe," I tried to calm her. "It's fine, do you have something to write with?"
"No?" she offered tentatively.
"Hold on then. I'm texting you the address. Just save it," I instructed. "I'm going to hang up now, Lupe. See you in an hour."
I cut the connection and proceeded to text her the exact address where we were, all the while wondering how wrong everything had gone for the past five years Archie had been dating Samantha. Things shouldn't be so strained between Archie and his family; I was intent on fixing that as well.
Standing up, I went to the bathroom to refresh myself before entering the kitchen and put the coffee to brew. I knew neither of the Archuletas visiting drank it, but I was going to need it for sure. I prepared the teapot just in case anyone wanted tea, and took out some pastries and toasts. I felt like a weird host in a house that wasn't mine taking care of everything as if I was the wife awaiting the in-laws. I found it slightly ironical.
After everything was set, I tiptoed my way to Archie's room. I cracked the door open in as much silence as I could manage, popping my head inside to make sure he was still breathing. Archie looked like a fallen angel, fast asleep over the covers, twisted as if he had fought his way to Heaven during the night. I didn't want to ask who had won, but given the state of his hair sticking in every direction and the way his fists curled around the sheets fiercely, I'd dare say he was losing big time the fight with calmness. I made sure he was alright; I squinted my eyes to watch his chest evening up and down. I sighed. He seemed so small, so lost in a world he didn't belong to, that all I wanted to do was cradle him in my arms and shield him from the risk of being heartbroken ever again - but he wasn't mine to shelter, and I would never take advantage of a situation like the one he had found himself in to impose my feelings onto him, who would never be able to reciprocate them.
I closed the door slowly when I deemed he was still asleep enough not to wake up at the tiniest noise.
Lupe, as if anticipating her son still in the arms of slumber, called me instead of pushing the buzzer. I rushed to the door and opened it in one movement - both the portal and the apartment door. I waited for them to get out of the elevator and received them with my arms wide open as they walked toward the door. Lupe sped to hug me; we both collided in a heap of silent laughter and breathy sobs. Jeff, on the other hand, stood a feet away from us, greeting me with a simple head movement when I looked his way from above Lupe's head, who had hidden her face in my chest. I nodded back and guided them inside the apartment and straight into the kitchen.
Lupe took a seat while Jeff and I remained on our feet, each of us standing against opposite ends of the counter. We just started talking about everything and nothing in particular, flowing with the conversation and jumping to different subjects, for hours. At one point, Lupe began speaking in Spanish, which I proudly followed since I loved to practice everything she had taught me. We didn't even realized we were talking louder than advisable until a noise startled us all. I shared a shocked glance with Lupe and all the pieces fell into place. "God, Arch!" I exclaimed, running out the door and leaving Lupe mid sentence. In the corridor, I could see Archie fallen on the floor, scrambling to get back on his feet. I rushed to him.
"Are you okay, Archie?" I whispered. "What did you trip over?"
"Nothing?" he replied. "My own feet?"
"That sounds quite true," I smiled at him. I wanted to beam, but that would have been way too happy and I didn't think he would have appreciated the mirth right then. "It sounds so much like you. Here, let me help you up."
"What do you mean, it sounds like me?"
"Well, remember when we first met, how you would stutter and stumble over practically thin air? This reminded me so much of those months. I miss having the old Archie around."
"I don't know about him, but this new Archie wants to know why my parents are sitting in my kitchen."
"Don't get mad at me," I began, offering my palms up in a peace sign. "They have been so worried about you, all this time, and they just want you to be happy."
"That's just not true. They kicked me out of their lives when I started dating Samantha, and now I am going to show them the way out of mine."
I sighed. I knew it was going to be difficult, to convince Archie to even see his parents, but I trusted him to be a little bit open to the idea. "When you announced you were moving in with Samantha, or rather she was moving in with you, your parents were scared, Arch. They called me and---"
"They called you? Why would they? My father told me they wouldn't have a son if I went through with my decision."
"Your father was terrified because he thought it was his fault, that you were falling out of the church because he had allowed you to participate on American Idol. For him, the show was the beginning of your downfall."
"That doesn't explain why they called you," he insisted. "In fact, if what you say is true, they would have never contacted you. You were on Idol as well."
I felt really old and tired all of a sudden. My upped lip twitched, which was a sign that I was about to lose control over myself and allow my feelings to pour down in rivers. I didn't want to, but Archie's actions and his words wounded me; I didn't know how to react to him without giving away something - my feelings, my anger, my disappointment, my guilt. I stared down at him in silence, hoping my eyes expressed what I didn't trust myself with words. "I still think you should give them a second chance, Archie," I finally said, so softly I wasn't sure he had heard me.
"Why? They haven't granted me a second chance."
"They're here, aren't they? I think that counts as an offering of peace."
When Archie wouldn't reply to me, I just turned around and walked back to the kitchen. With each step, my heart break a little deeper, the beating erratic by then. It felt like he was stomping all over the pieces of my soul that had been bared out for him to trample on - I was to blame for having allowed him to lose himself in the tangle of lies Samantha had brought with her, and for the umpteenth time that day I shook my head and took the blame for not having been able to see her for what she was. Had I found out sooner, I would have never thrown her Archie's way for him to date her - I knew he had liked her back then, it was obvious in the way he kept ogling her when he thought no one was looking, but I was, God forgive me but I looked back whenever he stared at her by my side, laughing that singsong laughter of hers. I had shoved them both out of my heart for fear of falling apart if Archie ever discovered how i felt for him - Samantha had discovered, though I didn't know how, and she had made her point clear whens he had been in the apartment the day before. She wanted Archie back, and she wouldn't stop until she got what she was looking for. I was afraid of losing him for real if he ever suspected that I hid deeper feelings for him - feelings that went way beyond brotherly affection.
The kitchen was hostile territory when I entered, with Lupe and Jeff looking at me with frowns marring both their foreheads.
"What has he said?" his mother asked me, anxiety present in her words.
"I don't think he wanted to talk to you," I admitted. "I tried to reason with him but it's been to no avail. He is stubborn as hell."
"I shouldn't have been so hard on him." Jeff had winced at my words, but I could see him regaining his composure quickly.
"Probably not," I agreed. "But you were scared, as he was. And you are human, as he is."
"We should leave, then," Lupe was already standing up and gathering her bag.
"I didn't say you had to," I reached out to stop her. "I think you have to wait. He just needs time, you know? I bet he is thinking about what I've told him, about you caring for him all these years. He knows I wouldn't lie to him."
"But what if he doesn't want us after all?"
Lupe started sobbing at her husband's words. I didn't know what to do or how to comfort her, so I just embraced her tight and pulled her against my chest, where she fitted almost perfectly - she was Archie's size, more or less; it made me wonder how good he would feel against my heart beat.
"Lupe, calm down," I cooed. "Your son will come around. He just needs more time. He'll come when he's ready."
"And how long will you wait, David? How long before getting tired of it?"
"Archie is going through a very difficult moment. Just like when he decided to live on his own, he has to suffer through this to understand what he really wants, what's good for him."
"Five years ago I allowed my son to make the biggest mistake of his life," Jeff practically spat. "I won't forgive myself for that, and I won't forgive you either for not being able to take care of him when I wasn't around, Cook."
I had been waiting for that particular outburst from Jeff to see if Archie would react in any way. And he did - he burst into the kitchen, where his father was supported on his hands on the kitchen table, across from me leaning back into the counter. Lupe was still sitting on the only stool that had survived Samantha's wrath. I smiled encouragingly at him, trying to pass onto Archie some of the strength I was sure he needed.
"What are you doing here?" he asked bitterly.
"We wanted to talk to you," Jeff simply stated, his nails playing a staccato tune on my kitchen table.
"This conversation is five years late."
"Archie, why don't you three sit down and just talk for a while?" I suggested, cutting him before he could say something we both knew he would regret in a couple of hours. "What harm would it do? This is still your house. If you want to, you can tell them to leave, but I think you should listen to them, and you should make them listen to you." He just stared at me; I sighed and reached out to him, but thought of it better and settled to stretch my fingers. "I am going to get some take-out, okay?"
And with that, I walked out on them, leaving the family to solve their inner problems.
I was momentarily blinded by the sun when I first walked out into the street. For a second I didn't know exactly where I was headed, I just started walking aimlessly ahead of myself. Once the street melded into another after a turn to the left, I just continued strolling until I found a small children's park. The swings were deserted at that ungodly hour, so I sat on one, hands gripping the chains until my knuckles went white with the pressure. My mind was blank, except for the part of it that was replaying the events from the day before and how Lupe's words changed everything.
I had known for a long while by then that I was in love with Archie. It was sick of me, he was young and naive and sheltered; it was a crazed fever that had assaulted me once whilst we both were struggling not to drown in the ocean American Idol became. I fell hard and fast and irremediably, but I knew I had to hide it because Archie was underaged. When he turned eighteen I thought he was still too protected and religious to even think of me that way. I kept using excuses to run away from the tight grip on my chest whenever I thought Archie was close to finding out my secret. But Lupe had seen right through me with one simple, pure look.
Through those years, I had taken upon me the task of keeping the Archuletas informed about their son's progress - all those details the magazines never got right and that they deserved to know. Lupe had taught me the basics of Spanish, and in exchange I had taught the younger girls to play guitar like rock stars. I had even spent one Easter with them, during one of the rare breaks of my frequent tours, the year we went to Utah for a week. They considered me part of their family, and there wasn't anything I'd love more than to become a member for real.
I swung back and forth for a while, dwelling on all the thoughts assaulting me, until my fingers went numb from gripping the chains too tightly. I stood up even though I really didn't want to budge. There was nowhere I could go to - my place was too far away in case Archie called, and the nearby cafes didn't catch my attention.
I took my cell phone out of my pocket again and thumbed through my contacts twice before deciding on calling Andy. He was living in Los Angeles for the time being with Jennye and not-so-little Amos; I was sure he'd let me spend the afternoon with them if they didn't have plans already. With Andy and Jennye I never felt like the third wheel, which was definitely an advantage whenever it came to needing some place to crash when my life became too lonely too fast.
He picked it up at the third ring. "Dave, man, long time no see!" he greeted me.
"It's been just a week!" I complained.
"Yeah, but a week in your world is a lot," he reasons. I had to agree with him. For being as communicative and dependant on my friends as I was, I had been unusually quiet that week. "What's up?"
"Do you have plans today?"
"What, asking me on a date, are you now, David?" he joked. "I'll ask Jennye if she minds---"
"Can I watch?" I could hear his girlfriend bursting in. I laughed.
"Jennye!" Andy chided her good naturedly. "This is a private conversation!"
"Don't be mean," I could hear the pout in her voice. Andy and Jennye had been together forever, it was difficult to tell where one ended and the other began, and when they joked around as a tandem everyone got ready for a round of insane laughs. I was secretly aiming for it to cheer me up a bit.
"Why do you ask, Dave?" Andy said more seriously. "We hadn't thought of anything yet, you have any idea?"
"Not really. Just missed you, dude."
"Which is code for Dave is moody. Okay, man, why don't you come over? We haven't started to eat lunch yet, I'm pretty sure Jennye can add more of whatever she's cooking now."
"I'll bring the dessert, then," I offered. He laughed it off but didn't refuse, so I took it as approval before hanging up.
I took my car keys, ready to drive to Andy's apartment. I had driven to Archie's as well; I had to go back to the building since my car was parked right in front of it. I couldn't help the glance my eyes directed to Archie's floor once I got there, but I turned my back on those windows in favor of my old car. drawing my cap even further down, I got inside the vehicle and started the engine. There was little to do there, not when I had managed to fulfill one of the objectives I had set for myself - make a family gathering possible.
I stopped by Sweet Lady Jane to pick up a nice set of pastries, with lots of chocolate and cream, the way both Jennye and Andy loved their desserts.
Andy was already waiting for me outside his building. I never understood why he had insisted in keeping the ratty apartment he had first rented when he arrived in La La Land, but it was his decision to save the money he was making instead of spending it in a nice two-story house.
"Dave," he called my name affectionately as I locked the car. "You're looking good, well, at least whatever little I can see under that disguise."
"Crazy fans can appear anywhere, I have to be prepared," I replied wittily, winking at him at the same as I lifted the cap's eye shade.
"Yeah, I pretty much know that now."
I snickered at the pout present in his voice. I was pretty sure he was remembering that time when some fans had found their way into our tour bus and right inside Neal's bunk - it had freaked the hell out of us all when we entered the sleeping area to see it all shaken and seven people sniffing through Kyle's underwear they had found underneath a pile of sheets containing old MWK songs we had been rehearsing for fun earlier that day.
"Jennye has made mac and cheese," Andy announced as we rode up in the elevator to their floor. "Classy."
"I'm up for anything," I said in what I hoped could pass for a happy voice. Andy didn't buy it, though.
"Except for taking care of yourself." In the bright light of the elevator he examined me closely - his big, puppy eyes scanning my soul, taking in the dark circles and the sad gaze. "Dave, this isn't healthy."
"What isn't?"
"You really think it's normal to help the love of your life to recover from a broken heart, don't you?"
"It happens all the time," I defended myself. Andy already knew about my more-than-a-crush on Archie, he had known for a long time. I didn't have to justify myself with him, or Jennye, for that matter.
"Where, Dave?" he asked as he fought with the lock and his keys. "Fucking hole," he swore under his breath.
"In the movies," I supplied. I cringed after the words had left my mouth.
"And how many of them had a realistic ending?"
"They all have happy endings!" I pointed out. Seeing that he wasn't able to open the door - and by the noises coming out from the inside, Jennye was cooking with some Bon Jovi blasting through the stereo - I snatched the keys and slapped his hand away to proceed to open the door. A couple of shakes later, we were both pushing the door to enter the apartment.
"Dave," he sighed. He didn't get to say anything else for Jennye was already greeting me from the kitchen door in a very movie-like manner - arms wide open, spatula in hand, apron knotted loosely and stained with tomato sauce. I guffawed.
Andy didn't have many chances to talk to me about whatever he deemed necessary we talked - though I knew he just wanted to make sure I was alright and not throwing myself in another of my quests that always, always, always backfired on me. Jennye took charge of the conversation, jumping from one subject to the next swiftly, with hardly any transition. From the looks I was getting from both of them, Andy approved of that technique to keep my mind off Archie.
Halfway through lunch, Archie called. When I first heard his ringer, I thought he was in trouble, so I tensed up and rushed to pocked it up, throwing a bottle of sauce down in my haste. I didn't even apologize until way later.
"Cook," he whispered hesitantly. "My parents are staying for lunch. This is... I need more time. Do you mind?"
I understood straight away that he didn't really need me to pick up the pieces while they were there, but I promised myself I would be there for Archie to help him mend after this visit. "There is lasagna that you can heat up," I said instead, my voice just betraying my queasiness slightly. "I made it yesterday while you slept. It's not as good as your mother's, but it's edible."
"Thanks. For everything."
"No need to thank me. I'm glad I could help. See you later, Arch."
Once I hung up, I allowed my true feelings surface from underneath the cool that had them trapped. My hands were shaking and my lips were trembling. I knew I was losing the battle with my self control when the first tear rolled down my face. I should be happy that Archie was mending his relationship with his parents, but I was thrown aloof by it. Jennye placed her hand on my arm, steadying me.
"Can I crash here tonight?" I asked in a small voice.
"For as long as you need, David," Andy replied. He was already standing up and heading to the closet where they kept all the covers for the makeshift bed.
I ended up crying myself to sleep for two nights in a row. Archie didn't call a single time.
[next]
No one knows just how deep it goes
We are old in your teenaged tyranny
And all you need is a hunger to feed
I've got my own secrets though
While Archie slept, I did some laundry and tidied up a bit. The place was a mess, as if no one had taken care of it in months. That was probably the truth, I reminded myself as I cleaned the kitchen and swept the whole house. I wasn't at all tired, but I took a break to have dinner and check on Archie, who was sleeping peacefully in his bed that we had gotten rid of all traces of Samantha's stay. I thought he was getting the first full night of sleep in a whole month, and that made me feel at least a bit lighter about having imposed myself into his life again.
I was sitting on a stool at the kitchen when my phone vibrated over the counter. I had set it not to ring to avoid disturbing Archie in case anyone decided to call me. I glanced at the screen and read it was Brooke calling. I flipped it open and greeted her in a low voice.
"I take it he's sleeping," she said.
"Yeah, pretty much. He's calmed down a bit. He was a complete wreck, Brooke."
"I thought so," she agreed with me. "Listen, Dave, Lupe has called me. Said she wanted to know what was going on."
"I told her I'd call her tonight," I muttered. "I clearly forgot about it."
"Well, then call her. She's waiting up for you."
"It's still early in Murray," I pointed out.
"Dave, they're not in Utah," she retorted quickly. "They're here, in Los Angeles. They flew in as soon as you told Lupe you'd be trying to contact Archie."
"Shit," I swore. "Shit, shit, shit. I'm hanging up, Brooke. I have to call them and try to convince them that that wasn't the best of moves right now."
"Good luck with that," she wished me. "Keep me informed!"
As soon as I hang up, I dialed two on my speed dial program and waited for the rings to wear out. A soft voice picked it up, a voice that reminded me a lot of Archie's.
"Lupe," I greeted. "It's David Cook."
"Good night, sweetie," she said. "Have you spoken to Brooke?"
"Yeah," I gritted my teeth. She was straight to the point, exactly how I feared she would be. "What were you thinking, leaving the kids alone in Murray? Lupe!"
"He is our baby as well," she justified herself. "Besides, Claudia is taking care of Amber and Jazzy."
I sighed. I knew Lupe and Jeff had been worried about Archie, not only since the news on the breakup spread, but since the very moment when he had decided to live on his own with his girlfriend of barely three months. Archie had shut everyone out, and Jeff had made it his aim in life to ignore the fact that he even had a son named David. Lupe and I had kept in touch ever since the second we all found out I was the only person alive from his past Archie was still speaking to.
"Okay. You know what you're doing, Lupe," I conceded her. "I have it mostly under control. Samantha appeared this afternoon, but Archie threw her out. He was very brave."
"Do you think he would want to see us?"
"I'm actually not sure, Lupe." I bit my lip as I spoke. Before saying anything else, I stood up and closed the kitchen door. I didn't want Archie to wake up to me convincing his mother of the good and bad of them visiting. "I think it'll do him some good to see you, but on the other hand I just know he'll freak out if he sees you in his living room."
"What about we just go there tomorrow and we'll see from then on?"
I hesitated for a few seconds before actually replying. I honestly didn't know what to say. The decision wasn't mine to make.
"What do you think, Dave?" Lupe pushed me. "What do you think he needs? You've been closer to him than anyone else."
"I..." I swallowed hard. "I think he can use the presence of his parents here tomorrow morning, Lupe. He needs you to deal with this. I'm not his mother."
"But you love him as well," she whispered. I refused to acknowledge that statement. "Okay, we'll be there coming the morning. Nine thirty sounds good?"
"Perfect," I assured her. "I'll spend here the night; don't want him to be on his own. He's been alone for far too long."
"That's actually a great idea, Dave. Take care of him. See you tomorrow."
I took a large bit of my sandwich and munched on it long after the phone conversation had ended, musing over everything I had learned that day. When I realized it was nearly one in the morning and I was still up with all the lights on, I quickly cleaned what I had used and went to the living room to sleep on the couch. As much as I would have loved to lay down on the bed in the guest room, I decided against it because the living room was closer to Archie's room. I could hear him if he had any need during the night.
Covering myself with a thin blanket and using a cushion as pillow, I lulled myself to sleep.
The next morning I awoke earlier than surely needed - earlier than it was legal, for sure. My cell phone was vibrating against my thigh, in the front pocket of the jeans I had slept in. I sat on the couch, wincing when the thick layer of clothing rasped against my skin. I took the phone out of its confinement and opened it.
"Lupe?" I asked when I heard someone talking in a really fast Spanish. "Lupe, I can't understand you if you don't speak slower. I can't pick up on your words!"
"Oh, sorry," she apologized, going back to English. "I didn't realize---"
"It's okay," I assured her. "I just wasn't expecting you to call. Do you have any problem? It's..." I checked my watch, "eight in the morning. You aren't supposed to be here until half past nine."
"There's an inconvenience," she whispered. For a second I didn't hear anything, and I feared the line had gone dead. But then I heard a high pitched intake of breath.
"Lupe?"
"We---" she stuttered. I had talked to her enough times to know she was crying. "We don't know where David lives." she confessed.
I frowned. I didn't understand it - Archie had told me his parents knew where to find him, but maybe he had meant if his parents wanted to contact him by phone. It saddened me to hear Lupe crying over that, because they were once a happy and close family, and Samantha - with a bit of help from everyone - had managed to destroy that paradise as well.
"Don't freak out, Lupe," I tried to calm her. "It's fine, do you have something to write with?"
"No?" she offered tentatively.
"Hold on then. I'm texting you the address. Just save it," I instructed. "I'm going to hang up now, Lupe. See you in an hour."
I cut the connection and proceeded to text her the exact address where we were, all the while wondering how wrong everything had gone for the past five years Archie had been dating Samantha. Things shouldn't be so strained between Archie and his family; I was intent on fixing that as well.
Standing up, I went to the bathroom to refresh myself before entering the kitchen and put the coffee to brew. I knew neither of the Archuletas visiting drank it, but I was going to need it for sure. I prepared the teapot just in case anyone wanted tea, and took out some pastries and toasts. I felt like a weird host in a house that wasn't mine taking care of everything as if I was the wife awaiting the in-laws. I found it slightly ironical.
After everything was set, I tiptoed my way to Archie's room. I cracked the door open in as much silence as I could manage, popping my head inside to make sure he was still breathing. Archie looked like a fallen angel, fast asleep over the covers, twisted as if he had fought his way to Heaven during the night. I didn't want to ask who had won, but given the state of his hair sticking in every direction and the way his fists curled around the sheets fiercely, I'd dare say he was losing big time the fight with calmness. I made sure he was alright; I squinted my eyes to watch his chest evening up and down. I sighed. He seemed so small, so lost in a world he didn't belong to, that all I wanted to do was cradle him in my arms and shield him from the risk of being heartbroken ever again - but he wasn't mine to shelter, and I would never take advantage of a situation like the one he had found himself in to impose my feelings onto him, who would never be able to reciprocate them.
I closed the door slowly when I deemed he was still asleep enough not to wake up at the tiniest noise.
Lupe, as if anticipating her son still in the arms of slumber, called me instead of pushing the buzzer. I rushed to the door and opened it in one movement - both the portal and the apartment door. I waited for them to get out of the elevator and received them with my arms wide open as they walked toward the door. Lupe sped to hug me; we both collided in a heap of silent laughter and breathy sobs. Jeff, on the other hand, stood a feet away from us, greeting me with a simple head movement when I looked his way from above Lupe's head, who had hidden her face in my chest. I nodded back and guided them inside the apartment and straight into the kitchen.
Lupe took a seat while Jeff and I remained on our feet, each of us standing against opposite ends of the counter. We just started talking about everything and nothing in particular, flowing with the conversation and jumping to different subjects, for hours. At one point, Lupe began speaking in Spanish, which I proudly followed since I loved to practice everything she had taught me. We didn't even realized we were talking louder than advisable until a noise startled us all. I shared a shocked glance with Lupe and all the pieces fell into place. "God, Arch!" I exclaimed, running out the door and leaving Lupe mid sentence. In the corridor, I could see Archie fallen on the floor, scrambling to get back on his feet. I rushed to him.
"Are you okay, Archie?" I whispered. "What did you trip over?"
"Nothing?" he replied. "My own feet?"
"That sounds quite true," I smiled at him. I wanted to beam, but that would have been way too happy and I didn't think he would have appreciated the mirth right then. "It sounds so much like you. Here, let me help you up."
"What do you mean, it sounds like me?"
"Well, remember when we first met, how you would stutter and stumble over practically thin air? This reminded me so much of those months. I miss having the old Archie around."
"I don't know about him, but this new Archie wants to know why my parents are sitting in my kitchen."
"Don't get mad at me," I began, offering my palms up in a peace sign. "They have been so worried about you, all this time, and they just want you to be happy."
"That's just not true. They kicked me out of their lives when I started dating Samantha, and now I am going to show them the way out of mine."
I sighed. I knew it was going to be difficult, to convince Archie to even see his parents, but I trusted him to be a little bit open to the idea. "When you announced you were moving in with Samantha, or rather she was moving in with you, your parents were scared, Arch. They called me and---"
"They called you? Why would they? My father told me they wouldn't have a son if I went through with my decision."
"Your father was terrified because he thought it was his fault, that you were falling out of the church because he had allowed you to participate on American Idol. For him, the show was the beginning of your downfall."
"That doesn't explain why they called you," he insisted. "In fact, if what you say is true, they would have never contacted you. You were on Idol as well."
I felt really old and tired all of a sudden. My upped lip twitched, which was a sign that I was about to lose control over myself and allow my feelings to pour down in rivers. I didn't want to, but Archie's actions and his words wounded me; I didn't know how to react to him without giving away something - my feelings, my anger, my disappointment, my guilt. I stared down at him in silence, hoping my eyes expressed what I didn't trust myself with words. "I still think you should give them a second chance, Archie," I finally said, so softly I wasn't sure he had heard me.
"Why? They haven't granted me a second chance."
"They're here, aren't they? I think that counts as an offering of peace."
When Archie wouldn't reply to me, I just turned around and walked back to the kitchen. With each step, my heart break a little deeper, the beating erratic by then. It felt like he was stomping all over the pieces of my soul that had been bared out for him to trample on - I was to blame for having allowed him to lose himself in the tangle of lies Samantha had brought with her, and for the umpteenth time that day I shook my head and took the blame for not having been able to see her for what she was. Had I found out sooner, I would have never thrown her Archie's way for him to date her - I knew he had liked her back then, it was obvious in the way he kept ogling her when he thought no one was looking, but I was, God forgive me but I looked back whenever he stared at her by my side, laughing that singsong laughter of hers. I had shoved them both out of my heart for fear of falling apart if Archie ever discovered how i felt for him - Samantha had discovered, though I didn't know how, and she had made her point clear whens he had been in the apartment the day before. She wanted Archie back, and she wouldn't stop until she got what she was looking for. I was afraid of losing him for real if he ever suspected that I hid deeper feelings for him - feelings that went way beyond brotherly affection.
The kitchen was hostile territory when I entered, with Lupe and Jeff looking at me with frowns marring both their foreheads.
"What has he said?" his mother asked me, anxiety present in her words.
"I don't think he wanted to talk to you," I admitted. "I tried to reason with him but it's been to no avail. He is stubborn as hell."
"I shouldn't have been so hard on him." Jeff had winced at my words, but I could see him regaining his composure quickly.
"Probably not," I agreed. "But you were scared, as he was. And you are human, as he is."
"We should leave, then," Lupe was already standing up and gathering her bag.
"I didn't say you had to," I reached out to stop her. "I think you have to wait. He just needs time, you know? I bet he is thinking about what I've told him, about you caring for him all these years. He knows I wouldn't lie to him."
"But what if he doesn't want us after all?"
Lupe started sobbing at her husband's words. I didn't know what to do or how to comfort her, so I just embraced her tight and pulled her against my chest, where she fitted almost perfectly - she was Archie's size, more or less; it made me wonder how good he would feel against my heart beat.
"Lupe, calm down," I cooed. "Your son will come around. He just needs more time. He'll come when he's ready."
"And how long will you wait, David? How long before getting tired of it?"
"Archie is going through a very difficult moment. Just like when he decided to live on his own, he has to suffer through this to understand what he really wants, what's good for him."
"Five years ago I allowed my son to make the biggest mistake of his life," Jeff practically spat. "I won't forgive myself for that, and I won't forgive you either for not being able to take care of him when I wasn't around, Cook."
I had been waiting for that particular outburst from Jeff to see if Archie would react in any way. And he did - he burst into the kitchen, where his father was supported on his hands on the kitchen table, across from me leaning back into the counter. Lupe was still sitting on the only stool that had survived Samantha's wrath. I smiled encouragingly at him, trying to pass onto Archie some of the strength I was sure he needed.
"What are you doing here?" he asked bitterly.
"We wanted to talk to you," Jeff simply stated, his nails playing a staccato tune on my kitchen table.
"This conversation is five years late."
"Archie, why don't you three sit down and just talk for a while?" I suggested, cutting him before he could say something we both knew he would regret in a couple of hours. "What harm would it do? This is still your house. If you want to, you can tell them to leave, but I think you should listen to them, and you should make them listen to you." He just stared at me; I sighed and reached out to him, but thought of it better and settled to stretch my fingers. "I am going to get some take-out, okay?"
And with that, I walked out on them, leaving the family to solve their inner problems.
I was momentarily blinded by the sun when I first walked out into the street. For a second I didn't know exactly where I was headed, I just started walking aimlessly ahead of myself. Once the street melded into another after a turn to the left, I just continued strolling until I found a small children's park. The swings were deserted at that ungodly hour, so I sat on one, hands gripping the chains until my knuckles went white with the pressure. My mind was blank, except for the part of it that was replaying the events from the day before and how Lupe's words changed everything.
I had known for a long while by then that I was in love with Archie. It was sick of me, he was young and naive and sheltered; it was a crazed fever that had assaulted me once whilst we both were struggling not to drown in the ocean American Idol became. I fell hard and fast and irremediably, but I knew I had to hide it because Archie was underaged. When he turned eighteen I thought he was still too protected and religious to even think of me that way. I kept using excuses to run away from the tight grip on my chest whenever I thought Archie was close to finding out my secret. But Lupe had seen right through me with one simple, pure look.
Through those years, I had taken upon me the task of keeping the Archuletas informed about their son's progress - all those details the magazines never got right and that they deserved to know. Lupe had taught me the basics of Spanish, and in exchange I had taught the younger girls to play guitar like rock stars. I had even spent one Easter with them, during one of the rare breaks of my frequent tours, the year we went to Utah for a week. They considered me part of their family, and there wasn't anything I'd love more than to become a member for real.
I swung back and forth for a while, dwelling on all the thoughts assaulting me, until my fingers went numb from gripping the chains too tightly. I stood up even though I really didn't want to budge. There was nowhere I could go to - my place was too far away in case Archie called, and the nearby cafes didn't catch my attention.
I took my cell phone out of my pocket again and thumbed through my contacts twice before deciding on calling Andy. He was living in Los Angeles for the time being with Jennye and not-so-little Amos; I was sure he'd let me spend the afternoon with them if they didn't have plans already. With Andy and Jennye I never felt like the third wheel, which was definitely an advantage whenever it came to needing some place to crash when my life became too lonely too fast.
He picked it up at the third ring. "Dave, man, long time no see!" he greeted me.
"It's been just a week!" I complained.
"Yeah, but a week in your world is a lot," he reasons. I had to agree with him. For being as communicative and dependant on my friends as I was, I had been unusually quiet that week. "What's up?"
"Do you have plans today?"
"What, asking me on a date, are you now, David?" he joked. "I'll ask Jennye if she minds---"
"Can I watch?" I could hear his girlfriend bursting in. I laughed.
"Jennye!" Andy chided her good naturedly. "This is a private conversation!"
"Don't be mean," I could hear the pout in her voice. Andy and Jennye had been together forever, it was difficult to tell where one ended and the other began, and when they joked around as a tandem everyone got ready for a round of insane laughs. I was secretly aiming for it to cheer me up a bit.
"Why do you ask, Dave?" Andy said more seriously. "We hadn't thought of anything yet, you have any idea?"
"Not really. Just missed you, dude."
"Which is code for Dave is moody. Okay, man, why don't you come over? We haven't started to eat lunch yet, I'm pretty sure Jennye can add more of whatever she's cooking now."
"I'll bring the dessert, then," I offered. He laughed it off but didn't refuse, so I took it as approval before hanging up.
I took my car keys, ready to drive to Andy's apartment. I had driven to Archie's as well; I had to go back to the building since my car was parked right in front of it. I couldn't help the glance my eyes directed to Archie's floor once I got there, but I turned my back on those windows in favor of my old car. drawing my cap even further down, I got inside the vehicle and started the engine. There was little to do there, not when I had managed to fulfill one of the objectives I had set for myself - make a family gathering possible.
I stopped by Sweet Lady Jane to pick up a nice set of pastries, with lots of chocolate and cream, the way both Jennye and Andy loved their desserts.
Andy was already waiting for me outside his building. I never understood why he had insisted in keeping the ratty apartment he had first rented when he arrived in La La Land, but it was his decision to save the money he was making instead of spending it in a nice two-story house.
"Dave," he called my name affectionately as I locked the car. "You're looking good, well, at least whatever little I can see under that disguise."
"Crazy fans can appear anywhere, I have to be prepared," I replied wittily, winking at him at the same as I lifted the cap's eye shade.
"Yeah, I pretty much know that now."
I snickered at the pout present in his voice. I was pretty sure he was remembering that time when some fans had found their way into our tour bus and right inside Neal's bunk - it had freaked the hell out of us all when we entered the sleeping area to see it all shaken and seven people sniffing through Kyle's underwear they had found underneath a pile of sheets containing old MWK songs we had been rehearsing for fun earlier that day.
"Jennye has made mac and cheese," Andy announced as we rode up in the elevator to their floor. "Classy."
"I'm up for anything," I said in what I hoped could pass for a happy voice. Andy didn't buy it, though.
"Except for taking care of yourself." In the bright light of the elevator he examined me closely - his big, puppy eyes scanning my soul, taking in the dark circles and the sad gaze. "Dave, this isn't healthy."
"What isn't?"
"You really think it's normal to help the love of your life to recover from a broken heart, don't you?"
"It happens all the time," I defended myself. Andy already knew about my more-than-a-crush on Archie, he had known for a long time. I didn't have to justify myself with him, or Jennye, for that matter.
"Where, Dave?" he asked as he fought with the lock and his keys. "Fucking hole," he swore under his breath.
"In the movies," I supplied. I cringed after the words had left my mouth.
"And how many of them had a realistic ending?"
"They all have happy endings!" I pointed out. Seeing that he wasn't able to open the door - and by the noises coming out from the inside, Jennye was cooking with some Bon Jovi blasting through the stereo - I snatched the keys and slapped his hand away to proceed to open the door. A couple of shakes later, we were both pushing the door to enter the apartment.
"Dave," he sighed. He didn't get to say anything else for Jennye was already greeting me from the kitchen door in a very movie-like manner - arms wide open, spatula in hand, apron knotted loosely and stained with tomato sauce. I guffawed.
Andy didn't have many chances to talk to me about whatever he deemed necessary we talked - though I knew he just wanted to make sure I was alright and not throwing myself in another of my quests that always, always, always backfired on me. Jennye took charge of the conversation, jumping from one subject to the next swiftly, with hardly any transition. From the looks I was getting from both of them, Andy approved of that technique to keep my mind off Archie.
Halfway through lunch, Archie called. When I first heard his ringer, I thought he was in trouble, so I tensed up and rushed to pocked it up, throwing a bottle of sauce down in my haste. I didn't even apologize until way later.
"Cook," he whispered hesitantly. "My parents are staying for lunch. This is... I need more time. Do you mind?"
I understood straight away that he didn't really need me to pick up the pieces while they were there, but I promised myself I would be there for Archie to help him mend after this visit. "There is lasagna that you can heat up," I said instead, my voice just betraying my queasiness slightly. "I made it yesterday while you slept. It's not as good as your mother's, but it's edible."
"Thanks. For everything."
"No need to thank me. I'm glad I could help. See you later, Arch."
Once I hung up, I allowed my true feelings surface from underneath the cool that had them trapped. My hands were shaking and my lips were trembling. I knew I was losing the battle with my self control when the first tear rolled down my face. I should be happy that Archie was mending his relationship with his parents, but I was thrown aloof by it. Jennye placed her hand on my arm, steadying me.
"Can I crash here tonight?" I asked in a small voice.
"For as long as you need, David," Andy replied. He was already standing up and heading to the closet where they kept all the covers for the makeshift bed.
I ended up crying myself to sleep for two nights in a row. Archie didn't call a single time.
[next]