All Of My Regrets Are Nothing New [PG] (3/3)
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There were times
When I'd thought I'd lost you
Fearing forever was a dream
But it wasn't what it seemed
Placing your hand in mine
You could see in the dark
You were guiding my heart
On the third day, I woke up earlier than Andy and Jennye. It wasn't that difficult to guess they weren't going to get out of bed anytime soon, not after the night they had spent - I could hear their giggles and their whispers even if they had tried to keep it all in a low key out of respect.
The coffee wasn't made yet, so I put the pot to work while I checked my missed calls and my emails on my phone. I had a few fan emails showing love and support for the new album we had put up together and that had been released barely a week before. It was a different kind of style - more intimate and closer to an acoustic set. To keep Kyle and give him something to do, Neal had invented the first acoustic tunes with a low drum. I was still amazed that such talent was wasting away in my band when Neal could be part of something bigger, more important.
One of the emails was from my manager, Liz. She told me to call since she had some news she wanted to share. I checked the hour, saw it was already nine and decided to call her while I poured myself a quite generous cup of black coffee with just a drop of milk.
"Liz," I greeted her when she finally answered his phone. "I saw your email."
"Good morning to you too," I could tell she was smiling. "What are you doing up?"
"Calling you!"
"I feel honored," she said sarcastically.
"Are you going to tell me what it is before I die of anticipation, or am I going to burst from excitement?"
"Sit down, David, you're going to need it." I obliged, coffee mug in my right hand as I maneuvered around the phone. "Sitting? Cool. They said yes."
"What?" It was clearly too early for I didn't have a single clue about what she was referring to.
"The execs. Dave, they've agreed to have your album if you tour with it."
"Really?" I felt a bubble inside of me growing so big that it threatened to explode in my chest. "There'll be no problem with touring!"
"You'll need an opening act, though."
"We'll find someone," I offered. "I'm all about dancing right here!"
"Then dance!"
"You turning all Lady Gaga on me, Liz?" I teased. The notes of that song played in my head as I actually swirled around in the kitchen. "Listen, I have to tell the guys, okay? I'll call you later today."
"Great, talk to you then!"
Liz bid me farewell and left me to dance alone until Andy decided it was time to get up. Meanwhile, my phone rang again. I stopped mid step and checked the caller's ID. It was Lupe.
The day had just begun to look up.
I was smiling widely by the time I stood outside Archie's door, once I knew his parents had left the building for the time being. I pressed my forefinger three times against the doorbell, the rhythm of Bar Ba Sol marking every knock. "I thought I'd drop by to see how you were doing," I said when he opened the door.
"Meaning my mother called you the moment that taxi turned around the corner."
"I think it was still technically on your street."
"Come in, Cook," he said, laughing lightly. "I was about to heat up some food, have you had lunch yet?"
"Honestly, no, and I'm starving." I stepped inside the house, looking around and nodding approvingly at the apparent tidiness of the place.
"You always are. I wonder how your mother survived your teen years."
"It's a secret she will never share!" I shouted as I made my way to the kitchen. I turned around when I couldn't feel him following me anymore - he had paled impossibly and looked like he was about to throw up on my shoes. "Archie, are you okay?"
"I---I think I'm going to---" He didn't get to finish his sentence before jumping out of the kitchen and hurrying into the nearest bathroom. I ran after him and knelt by his side, my hand automatically finding the small of his back to draw what I hoped were soothing circles. When he stopped dry heaving, I helped him sit up.
"Feeling any better? Need me to do anything?"
"Yes, and... just stay,"
I just wanted nothing more than to slip my fingers inside his shirt and actually caress his skin, but I contented myself with touching him in any way, so my hands remain over his clothes until I realized he was shivering. "If you still feel sick you should go lie on the bed. I can make you noodle soup."
"Don't lie. You can't cook to save your life."
"Oh, but Kyle's wife can," I shot back. "Poor Hayden has a really weak stomach and gets sick easily. See? I can still bring you that soup."
I laughed with him when he took my joke for what it was and let out a guffaw. "It's okay, I feel fine now. I guess it's been something sporadic."
"If it happens out of the blue ever again, I am so taking you to the doctor," I crossed my heart as I spoke, knowing that he was still playing it off as a joke.
"Don't make promises you can't keep!"
I tilted my head to him at the same moment he was looking up at me from his spot, kneeling on the floor. I was breathing hard with all the pent up emotions consuming me. I tried to conceal what I was feeling but I failed miserably as Archie licked his lips - I knew my gaze flickered with something so similar to hunger that I had to tame it down before it devoured me and consequently him as well into a spiral of desire and decay.
He shivered and the moment was broken.
I jerked away and rubbed my face strongly enough to leave red marks across my skin. "I should go watch what's happening with the microwave oven," I stuttered lamely, walking away from him before I did something I might regret. I sauntered into the kitchen, leaving the swinging door bouncing, not caring about how dangerous it would be if Archie had followed me after my quick escape. I was torn apart between wanting to and refusing to be involved in the situation. I began taking the silverware out, placing it in its correct place and rummaging around the drawers until I found the package of oatmeal I was looking for. I left it on the counter and took two plates and a couple of glasses to place on the table, my bartender past finally paying off. I heard a cough at my back and turned around.
My eyes locked with his, anxiety building up in my gut like a big, dark monster. I fought to regain control over myself so I could speak without giving away the inward war taking place in my soul.
"I found some oatmeal for you," I told him when I saw him walking in. "I thought you'd prefer it to---"
"I'm forced by contract to make an acoustic tour," he blurted out.
"A tour?" I was used to his blunt outbursts, but even that caught me by surprise. "It's quite weird that it's acoustic."
"Why?"
"Liz called me today," I explained. "Right before I came here, in fact. I didn't tell you because you, well, started feeling ill, but it seems my idea of my own acoustic tour across the country has been accepted on a condition. I have to take an opening act. And it has to be who they choose. I don't have a say in the decision this time. Both Neal and Andy convinced me it was the best way to have my new album out, since it is a bit different than the others and it was difficult to have it approved by everyone at the label."
"How is it different?"
"I went soft, as Neal likes to put it. Anyway, now I wonder... I should start touring in about two months and a half... and you tell me..." I hid my blushing face into a drawer and took out a spoon.
"There is a small chance that we'll get to tour together."
"It would be awesome," I told him, playing with the spoon. "It would be like the Idol tour all over again, just you and me. And our bands, though poor Kyle doesn't know what to do without his drums."
"I can call Ariella and see if there is a chance I can choose who to open for," he suggested. I nodded even though I knew it would be near to impossible to convince his management. They had been very patient with him the previous years, but even the most patient man in the world has a limit. We didn't say anything else for a while, eating our lunch as if it was the most important event in our lives right then - at least in his, because the knot in my stomach or that lump that had formed in my throat days before when I had seen him for the first time, broken and thrown away, didn't budge.
When lunch was over, I took upon myself the task of cleaning the table while Archie did the dishes. At some point, he started to sing in Spanish; I couldn't quite follow the lyrics since my Spanish wasn't all that good, but I could make out some words and idioms, though what made me happier was that this new Archie was finally bursting into song like the old Archie I had known. I looked back at him and saw the transition from just doing the dishes and singing to a full show of dance steps and vocal power. I topped what I was dong - I forgot what I had been doing - in order to be able to witness with my own eyes the blooming of this new man I had helped to overcome heartbreak.
I didn't really realize it but before I knew what I was doing I had stepped forward and was blocking Archie's way so when he turned around he found himself trapped between the counter and my body. I don't know what possessed me then, but maybe his voice, or his hands, or maybe it was just that he sounded happy, because I looked down at him with a passion I had tried to hold inside for far too long and I could swear he just stared back for half a second before surprising me.
He kissed me.
It was rushed. It was messy. He really didn't know what he was doing, not at all, although he had five years of experience kissing Samantha. But it was mighty - it shook me from head to toe, made me kiss him back with as much need as I could feel pooling in him. We kissed for a whole year, though it was probably more like a total amount of five seconds, before I regained my senses and one name popped in my head.
Samantha.
I pulled away, stepping back to keep myself apart from Archie's body and the temptation it represented, and inhaled. Tears sprang to my eyes - and seriously, when would I be able to go through some emotional experience without crying - before I could even move my head horizontally, lift my hands in the air, and speak with barely a thread of voice. "No, no, no, Archie, I can't... I can't do this... I can't be a simple rebound, a mere second to your heart, I can't, I can't."
I ran away, heedless as to where I was going, my heart threatening to escape from my chest and throttle to Archie, as I climbed down the stairs, two steps at a time.
It was beginning to become a trend in my life to walk aimlessly through Los Angeles streets after escaping from Archie's apartment. I didn't particularly like it, but I had to admit if only to myself that I needed that bit of fresh air.
I couldn't believe what I had done. Taking advantage of Archie while he was kicked down on the floor had been a low blow even for me. I never meant to kiss him, at least under those circumstances, and yet I had. Not even walking away could erase the guilt I felt constricting my heart like a vice.
The sun was setting when I finally made it back to my house. I had been walking in circles the whole afternoon, dreading to go retrieve my car that was parked, once again, in front of Archie's building, and therefore I ended strolling my way home since public transport was out of the question - I could be harassed in the streets, but buses were dangerous closeted places with no way out.
My house was dark when I reached it, several hours later. Dublin was in Kansas City with Drew because we were supposed to be in the studio a lot those days and I didn't want him to be alone for so long. So I didn't even have his welcoming barks to greet me.
I wasn't feeling well; my stomach was suffering from what felt like a bug, and my eyes kept stinging as if there were more tears to be shed although I was sure that I had cried myself dry within my trip back home. I cringed at that thought - home never was a place to me, it was a state of the heart. And right then I didn't know where my heart was beating.
I changed into some comfortable pajama pants and curled up in a ball on the couch, ready to fall asleep at any moment and forget about everything. Sadly, my mind was playing tricks on me and whenever I closed my eyes all I could see in the darkness surrounding me was Archie's gaze following me.
I groaned.
My Mac was on the coffee table, where I had left it the last time I had been there. The screen was switched off, but the light on the side was a telltale of the machine being on. I pushed on a couple of keys and it became alive. My background greeted me in all its glory - a picture that was at least ten years old of my brothers and my sisters gathering together in one of my birthdays, with my parents and Grenvell and Vik and Keira and my niece and my nephew on it as well. It was colorful and stunning, one of the last times we all had been together before Adam fell sick and couldn't make it to any family meeting. With a sigh, I opened a couple of tabs that covered the memory of happiness past, of moments lost in the haze of a life too busy to keep track on everything.
A sudden pang caught my attention. Expert fingers ran over the tactile mouse to maximize my AIM application. I smiled despite myself when I read my brother's IM.
AC4Pres (23:54:33) whatcha doin up so late?
ris4roland (23:54:47) I could ask you the same
AC4Pres (23:55:12) hafta finish a paper 4 grad school, what's ur excuse?
ris4roland (23:55:36) couldn't sleep
AC4Pres (23:55:57) want me 2 sing u a lullaby?
ris4roland (23:56:06) if you keep kicking grammar in the gut then no, thanks
AC4Pres (23:56:29) i always forget ur a grammar nazi
ris4roland (23:56:38) see what I mean?
AC4Pres (23:57:01) dont be a jerk & tell me what happens
AC4Pres (23:57:03 so not like u 2 be awake @ this hour
ris4roland (23:57:15) you don't really want to know
AC4Pres (23:57:20) try me
ris4roland (23:57:44) I've made a huge mistake and I think I've lost a friend
AC4Pres (23:57:58) dude what have u done?
ris4roland (00:00:06) kiss him
ris4roland (00:00:07) he is going through rough times and I took advantage of it
ris4roland (00:00:08) I left before he could yell at me
ris4roland (00:00:13) I'm a horrible person
ris4roland (00:05:41) Drew? You still there?
AC4Pres (00:06:00) im fing killing him
ris4roland (00:06:37) you scared me here, thought you were freaked out
AC4Pres (00:07:23) nah, just plotting how 2 kill archie & make it look like an accident
ris4roland (00:07:39) o.O
ris4roland (00:07:43) how did you know?
AC4Pres (00:08:20) im ur brother man
ris4roland (00:08:56) right
AC4Pres (00:12:11) i have the perfect solution
AC4Pres (00:12:50) can u skype?
ris4roland (00:13:00) already there
The sound of an incoming call reverberated in the silence before the program got started. I didn't even have the time to greet Drew properly; he began talking the second he knew I was listening.
"Just listen, okay? This will help you."
I nodded, forgetting that my brother couldn't see me. He snickered at me through the speakers in my laptop.
"Dave, I know you're nodding, but really--- Don't. Just listen!" He warned me as I could hear him tuning his guitar. Memories flooded my mind as I imagined him perched over his guitar at midnight, a grown Dublin at his feet, just like when were kids and Adam taught us both to play guitar on an old Gibson he had inherited.
Drew's voice filled the air when he began to sing a lullaby our mother sang to us when we were growing up, still afraid of the darkness.
Where are you going my little one
Little one
Where are you going my baby
My own
Turn around and you're two
Turn around and you're four
Turn around and you're a young babe
Going out of the door
Where are you going my little one
Little one
Where are you going my baby
M own
Turn around and you're six
Turn around and you're eight
Turn around and you're a young lass/lad
going out of the gate
Where are you going my little one
Little one
Where are you going my baby
My own
Turn around and you're young
Turn around and you're grown
Turn around and you're a young girl/man
With babes of your own
I didn't realize I had fallen asleep until the next morning, when a loud knock on the door startled me. I woke up at once, neck aching from the weird position I had slept in, with half my body on top of the desk. I glanced at the screen where I had a final message from my younger brother, take care dave & remember - no one ever died from a broken heart, before standing up and heading to the main door to yell at whoever dared to disturb my sleep at - another glance, this time to the grandfather clock by the hall - seven thirty-seven in the morning. I checked my appearance in a nearby mirror, and it reflected a pale and thin man who hadn't shaved in days and whose hair was sticking in so many directions that it was hard to tell if he had tufts or Medusa's pile on top of his head.
I shrugged at myself and grabbed the knob, turning it to open the door.
There he was, wearing the same clothes from the day before, all damp and clinging to his chest as if he had run all the way to my house, panting and trembling ever so slightly. I blinked to make sure I wasn't seeing visions, but he was still there when I looked again. He parted his lips and exhaled a long breath before speaking the only three words I had never expected to hear from him, at least directed to me.
"I love you." I was left speechless, frowning at the bluntness but obvious honesty in his eyes. I tried to say something, just anything, but he cut me off.
"Don't say anything. I came because you left and I didn't go after you even if I should have, and then I fell asleep and now it's today and I know it may be too late but I had to tell you because, Cook, you're not a rebound, you have never been, she was the second one here."
He was babbling, probably out of nervousness. "Because I have always loved you, but I was too chicken to admit it, and then you were always there for me and I was too selfish to let you go, and--- I know this sounds as an excuse, but you can talk to my mother, she can tell you I'm not lying, she knows and she supports me and she thinks you feel something for me as well, and now I do too, because you wouldn't have stormed out of my house like you did yesterday without having a good reason, and not because you freaked out or anything---"
"You're wearing the same clothes you wore yesterday," I just said, pointing a finger at him.
"I fell asleep on the floor thinking about you."
My brain refused to work for long moments, so long that I thought he was going to turn away and leave me just like I had left him the day before, but I couldn't push myself to form any word, let alone produce any sound.
"Please," he finally begged, his hands coming together on his chest. "Please, let me in, Cook."
I held my breath as I looked at him, lost and found in my doorway, asking for a second chance to make things right. I could see in his eyes that he was dying for that opportunity to get back into my life, and truth be told, I was willing to give him that much. I held the door open and stepped aside, inviting him silently to come in, hoping he would just be the cure I needed for my own broken heart.
I found my beating again when he nodded and got into my hall.
There were times
When I'd thought I'd lost you
Fearing forever was a dream
But it wasn't what it seemed
Placing your hand in mine
You could see in the dark
You were guiding my heart
On the third day, I woke up earlier than Andy and Jennye. It wasn't that difficult to guess they weren't going to get out of bed anytime soon, not after the night they had spent - I could hear their giggles and their whispers even if they had tried to keep it all in a low key out of respect.
The coffee wasn't made yet, so I put the pot to work while I checked my missed calls and my emails on my phone. I had a few fan emails showing love and support for the new album we had put up together and that had been released barely a week before. It was a different kind of style - more intimate and closer to an acoustic set. To keep Kyle and give him something to do, Neal had invented the first acoustic tunes with a low drum. I was still amazed that such talent was wasting away in my band when Neal could be part of something bigger, more important.
One of the emails was from my manager, Liz. She told me to call since she had some news she wanted to share. I checked the hour, saw it was already nine and decided to call her while I poured myself a quite generous cup of black coffee with just a drop of milk.
"Liz," I greeted her when she finally answered his phone. "I saw your email."
"Good morning to you too," I could tell she was smiling. "What are you doing up?"
"Calling you!"
"I feel honored," she said sarcastically.
"Are you going to tell me what it is before I die of anticipation, or am I going to burst from excitement?"
"Sit down, David, you're going to need it." I obliged, coffee mug in my right hand as I maneuvered around the phone. "Sitting? Cool. They said yes."
"What?" It was clearly too early for I didn't have a single clue about what she was referring to.
"The execs. Dave, they've agreed to have your album if you tour with it."
"Really?" I felt a bubble inside of me growing so big that it threatened to explode in my chest. "There'll be no problem with touring!"
"You'll need an opening act, though."
"We'll find someone," I offered. "I'm all about dancing right here!"
"Then dance!"
"You turning all Lady Gaga on me, Liz?" I teased. The notes of that song played in my head as I actually swirled around in the kitchen. "Listen, I have to tell the guys, okay? I'll call you later today."
"Great, talk to you then!"
Liz bid me farewell and left me to dance alone until Andy decided it was time to get up. Meanwhile, my phone rang again. I stopped mid step and checked the caller's ID. It was Lupe.
The day had just begun to look up.
I was smiling widely by the time I stood outside Archie's door, once I knew his parents had left the building for the time being. I pressed my forefinger three times against the doorbell, the rhythm of Bar Ba Sol marking every knock. "I thought I'd drop by to see how you were doing," I said when he opened the door.
"Meaning my mother called you the moment that taxi turned around the corner."
"I think it was still technically on your street."
"Come in, Cook," he said, laughing lightly. "I was about to heat up some food, have you had lunch yet?"
"Honestly, no, and I'm starving." I stepped inside the house, looking around and nodding approvingly at the apparent tidiness of the place.
"You always are. I wonder how your mother survived your teen years."
"It's a secret she will never share!" I shouted as I made my way to the kitchen. I turned around when I couldn't feel him following me anymore - he had paled impossibly and looked like he was about to throw up on my shoes. "Archie, are you okay?"
"I---I think I'm going to---" He didn't get to finish his sentence before jumping out of the kitchen and hurrying into the nearest bathroom. I ran after him and knelt by his side, my hand automatically finding the small of his back to draw what I hoped were soothing circles. When he stopped dry heaving, I helped him sit up.
"Feeling any better? Need me to do anything?"
"Yes, and... just stay,"
I just wanted nothing more than to slip my fingers inside his shirt and actually caress his skin, but I contented myself with touching him in any way, so my hands remain over his clothes until I realized he was shivering. "If you still feel sick you should go lie on the bed. I can make you noodle soup."
"Don't lie. You can't cook to save your life."
"Oh, but Kyle's wife can," I shot back. "Poor Hayden has a really weak stomach and gets sick easily. See? I can still bring you that soup."
I laughed with him when he took my joke for what it was and let out a guffaw. "It's okay, I feel fine now. I guess it's been something sporadic."
"If it happens out of the blue ever again, I am so taking you to the doctor," I crossed my heart as I spoke, knowing that he was still playing it off as a joke.
"Don't make promises you can't keep!"
I tilted my head to him at the same moment he was looking up at me from his spot, kneeling on the floor. I was breathing hard with all the pent up emotions consuming me. I tried to conceal what I was feeling but I failed miserably as Archie licked his lips - I knew my gaze flickered with something so similar to hunger that I had to tame it down before it devoured me and consequently him as well into a spiral of desire and decay.
He shivered and the moment was broken.
I jerked away and rubbed my face strongly enough to leave red marks across my skin. "I should go watch what's happening with the microwave oven," I stuttered lamely, walking away from him before I did something I might regret. I sauntered into the kitchen, leaving the swinging door bouncing, not caring about how dangerous it would be if Archie had followed me after my quick escape. I was torn apart between wanting to and refusing to be involved in the situation. I began taking the silverware out, placing it in its correct place and rummaging around the drawers until I found the package of oatmeal I was looking for. I left it on the counter and took two plates and a couple of glasses to place on the table, my bartender past finally paying off. I heard a cough at my back and turned around.
My eyes locked with his, anxiety building up in my gut like a big, dark monster. I fought to regain control over myself so I could speak without giving away the inward war taking place in my soul.
"I found some oatmeal for you," I told him when I saw him walking in. "I thought you'd prefer it to---"
"I'm forced by contract to make an acoustic tour," he blurted out.
"A tour?" I was used to his blunt outbursts, but even that caught me by surprise. "It's quite weird that it's acoustic."
"Why?"
"Liz called me today," I explained. "Right before I came here, in fact. I didn't tell you because you, well, started feeling ill, but it seems my idea of my own acoustic tour across the country has been accepted on a condition. I have to take an opening act. And it has to be who they choose. I don't have a say in the decision this time. Both Neal and Andy convinced me it was the best way to have my new album out, since it is a bit different than the others and it was difficult to have it approved by everyone at the label."
"How is it different?"
"I went soft, as Neal likes to put it. Anyway, now I wonder... I should start touring in about two months and a half... and you tell me..." I hid my blushing face into a drawer and took out a spoon.
"There is a small chance that we'll get to tour together."
"It would be awesome," I told him, playing with the spoon. "It would be like the Idol tour all over again, just you and me. And our bands, though poor Kyle doesn't know what to do without his drums."
"I can call Ariella and see if there is a chance I can choose who to open for," he suggested. I nodded even though I knew it would be near to impossible to convince his management. They had been very patient with him the previous years, but even the most patient man in the world has a limit. We didn't say anything else for a while, eating our lunch as if it was the most important event in our lives right then - at least in his, because the knot in my stomach or that lump that had formed in my throat days before when I had seen him for the first time, broken and thrown away, didn't budge.
When lunch was over, I took upon myself the task of cleaning the table while Archie did the dishes. At some point, he started to sing in Spanish; I couldn't quite follow the lyrics since my Spanish wasn't all that good, but I could make out some words and idioms, though what made me happier was that this new Archie was finally bursting into song like the old Archie I had known. I looked back at him and saw the transition from just doing the dishes and singing to a full show of dance steps and vocal power. I topped what I was dong - I forgot what I had been doing - in order to be able to witness with my own eyes the blooming of this new man I had helped to overcome heartbreak.
I didn't really realize it but before I knew what I was doing I had stepped forward and was blocking Archie's way so when he turned around he found himself trapped between the counter and my body. I don't know what possessed me then, but maybe his voice, or his hands, or maybe it was just that he sounded happy, because I looked down at him with a passion I had tried to hold inside for far too long and I could swear he just stared back for half a second before surprising me.
He kissed me.
It was rushed. It was messy. He really didn't know what he was doing, not at all, although he had five years of experience kissing Samantha. But it was mighty - it shook me from head to toe, made me kiss him back with as much need as I could feel pooling in him. We kissed for a whole year, though it was probably more like a total amount of five seconds, before I regained my senses and one name popped in my head.
Samantha.
I pulled away, stepping back to keep myself apart from Archie's body and the temptation it represented, and inhaled. Tears sprang to my eyes - and seriously, when would I be able to go through some emotional experience without crying - before I could even move my head horizontally, lift my hands in the air, and speak with barely a thread of voice. "No, no, no, Archie, I can't... I can't do this... I can't be a simple rebound, a mere second to your heart, I can't, I can't."
I ran away, heedless as to where I was going, my heart threatening to escape from my chest and throttle to Archie, as I climbed down the stairs, two steps at a time.
It was beginning to become a trend in my life to walk aimlessly through Los Angeles streets after escaping from Archie's apartment. I didn't particularly like it, but I had to admit if only to myself that I needed that bit of fresh air.
I couldn't believe what I had done. Taking advantage of Archie while he was kicked down on the floor had been a low blow even for me. I never meant to kiss him, at least under those circumstances, and yet I had. Not even walking away could erase the guilt I felt constricting my heart like a vice.
The sun was setting when I finally made it back to my house. I had been walking in circles the whole afternoon, dreading to go retrieve my car that was parked, once again, in front of Archie's building, and therefore I ended strolling my way home since public transport was out of the question - I could be harassed in the streets, but buses were dangerous closeted places with no way out.
My house was dark when I reached it, several hours later. Dublin was in Kansas City with Drew because we were supposed to be in the studio a lot those days and I didn't want him to be alone for so long. So I didn't even have his welcoming barks to greet me.
I wasn't feeling well; my stomach was suffering from what felt like a bug, and my eyes kept stinging as if there were more tears to be shed although I was sure that I had cried myself dry within my trip back home. I cringed at that thought - home never was a place to me, it was a state of the heart. And right then I didn't know where my heart was beating.
I changed into some comfortable pajama pants and curled up in a ball on the couch, ready to fall asleep at any moment and forget about everything. Sadly, my mind was playing tricks on me and whenever I closed my eyes all I could see in the darkness surrounding me was Archie's gaze following me.
I groaned.
My Mac was on the coffee table, where I had left it the last time I had been there. The screen was switched off, but the light on the side was a telltale of the machine being on. I pushed on a couple of keys and it became alive. My background greeted me in all its glory - a picture that was at least ten years old of my brothers and my sisters gathering together in one of my birthdays, with my parents and Grenvell and Vik and Keira and my niece and my nephew on it as well. It was colorful and stunning, one of the last times we all had been together before Adam fell sick and couldn't make it to any family meeting. With a sigh, I opened a couple of tabs that covered the memory of happiness past, of moments lost in the haze of a life too busy to keep track on everything.
A sudden pang caught my attention. Expert fingers ran over the tactile mouse to maximize my AIM application. I smiled despite myself when I read my brother's IM.
AC4Pres (23:54:33) whatcha doin up so late?
ris4roland (23:54:47) I could ask you the same
AC4Pres (23:55:12) hafta finish a paper 4 grad school, what's ur excuse?
ris4roland (23:55:36) couldn't sleep
AC4Pres (23:55:57) want me 2 sing u a lullaby?
ris4roland (23:56:06) if you keep kicking grammar in the gut then no, thanks
AC4Pres (23:56:29) i always forget ur a grammar nazi
ris4roland (23:56:38) see what I mean?
AC4Pres (23:57:01) dont be a jerk & tell me what happens
AC4Pres (23:57:03 so not like u 2 be awake @ this hour
ris4roland (23:57:15) you don't really want to know
AC4Pres (23:57:20) try me
ris4roland (23:57:44) I've made a huge mistake and I think I've lost a friend
AC4Pres (23:57:58) dude what have u done?
ris4roland (00:00:06) kiss him
ris4roland (00:00:07) he is going through rough times and I took advantage of it
ris4roland (00:00:08) I left before he could yell at me
ris4roland (00:00:13) I'm a horrible person
ris4roland (00:05:41) Drew? You still there?
AC4Pres (00:06:00) im fing killing him
ris4roland (00:06:37) you scared me here, thought you were freaked out
AC4Pres (00:07:23) nah, just plotting how 2 kill archie & make it look like an accident
ris4roland (00:07:39) o.O
ris4roland (00:07:43) how did you know?
AC4Pres (00:08:20) im ur brother man
ris4roland (00:08:56) right
AC4Pres (00:12:11) i have the perfect solution
AC4Pres (00:12:50) can u skype?
ris4roland (00:13:00) already there
The sound of an incoming call reverberated in the silence before the program got started. I didn't even have the time to greet Drew properly; he began talking the second he knew I was listening.
"Just listen, okay? This will help you."
I nodded, forgetting that my brother couldn't see me. He snickered at me through the speakers in my laptop.
"Dave, I know you're nodding, but really--- Don't. Just listen!" He warned me as I could hear him tuning his guitar. Memories flooded my mind as I imagined him perched over his guitar at midnight, a grown Dublin at his feet, just like when were kids and Adam taught us both to play guitar on an old Gibson he had inherited.
Drew's voice filled the air when he began to sing a lullaby our mother sang to us when we were growing up, still afraid of the darkness.
Where are you going my little one
Little one
Where are you going my baby
My own
Turn around and you're two
Turn around and you're four
Turn around and you're a young babe
Going out of the door
Where are you going my little one
Little one
Where are you going my baby
M own
Turn around and you're six
Turn around and you're eight
Turn around and you're a young lass/lad
going out of the gate
Where are you going my little one
Little one
Where are you going my baby
My own
Turn around and you're young
Turn around and you're grown
Turn around and you're a young girl/man
With babes of your own
I didn't realize I had fallen asleep until the next morning, when a loud knock on the door startled me. I woke up at once, neck aching from the weird position I had slept in, with half my body on top of the desk. I glanced at the screen where I had a final message from my younger brother, take care dave & remember - no one ever died from a broken heart, before standing up and heading to the main door to yell at whoever dared to disturb my sleep at - another glance, this time to the grandfather clock by the hall - seven thirty-seven in the morning. I checked my appearance in a nearby mirror, and it reflected a pale and thin man who hadn't shaved in days and whose hair was sticking in so many directions that it was hard to tell if he had tufts or Medusa's pile on top of his head.
I shrugged at myself and grabbed the knob, turning it to open the door.
There he was, wearing the same clothes from the day before, all damp and clinging to his chest as if he had run all the way to my house, panting and trembling ever so slightly. I blinked to make sure I wasn't seeing visions, but he was still there when I looked again. He parted his lips and exhaled a long breath before speaking the only three words I had never expected to hear from him, at least directed to me.
"I love you." I was left speechless, frowning at the bluntness but obvious honesty in his eyes. I tried to say something, just anything, but he cut me off.
"Don't say anything. I came because you left and I didn't go after you even if I should have, and then I fell asleep and now it's today and I know it may be too late but I had to tell you because, Cook, you're not a rebound, you have never been, she was the second one here."
He was babbling, probably out of nervousness. "Because I have always loved you, but I was too chicken to admit it, and then you were always there for me and I was too selfish to let you go, and--- I know this sounds as an excuse, but you can talk to my mother, she can tell you I'm not lying, she knows and she supports me and she thinks you feel something for me as well, and now I do too, because you wouldn't have stormed out of my house like you did yesterday without having a good reason, and not because you freaked out or anything---"
"You're wearing the same clothes you wore yesterday," I just said, pointing a finger at him.
"I fell asleep on the floor thinking about you."
My brain refused to work for long moments, so long that I thought he was going to turn away and leave me just like I had left him the day before, but I couldn't push myself to form any word, let alone produce any sound.
"Please," he finally begged, his hands coming together on his chest. "Please, let me in, Cook."
I held my breath as I looked at him, lost and found in my doorway, asking for a second chance to make things right. I could see in his eyes that he was dying for that opportunity to get back into my life, and truth be told, I was willing to give him that much. I held the door open and stepped aside, inviting him silently to come in, hoping he would just be the cure I needed for my own broken heart.
I found my beating again when he nodded and got into my hall.