Phenomenal Regurgitations, Part 1

[lecale]

Falling through this tunnel
I cast a shadow onto it
a shadow I cannot hide despite
monumental desires
tripping on your shadow
tripping on your mind

Have I just dreamt you from a pipe?
a false image of smoke and ash
that dissipates as I reach for it
searing my eyes
I notice a hole in my soul
that wasn't there before...

Let it burn and fulminate

Comments

[eldefroster]

Your punctuation is all over the place. Either use it or don't. Also why the choice to have only 4 of the 6 lines in the third stanza begin with "Let it burn" with only one being its own complete sentence? I think it'd be stronger to stick to a consistent style or scramble the lines to make them more dissimilar.

I do like the pipe and ash imagery though, although maybe a better word could be found for searing, as I think that's more of a flashing burn than and teary sting.

The loose sonnet style works well for you, it brings out the musical quality to your diction and makes the reader take a little more time on each line. You could amp up this effect by make the the lines either closer in syllable count or conform more closely into iambs (although some of your lines are most naturally in iambic verse already.)

[pinkerdot]

Don't listen to Dylan.