SGA fic: I can't [John/Rodney - Miller's Crossing - G]
I can't
John stands on the balcony and his head faces two moons of the planet. But he doesn’t see them. His thoughts are back on Earth.
~..~
“I want him to feed on me.”
What? That was John’s answer then. He couldn’t believe him. Rodney wanted the Wraith to feed on him. Yes. He wanted save his sister. But there must be another way, John thought. There must be.
“I can’t lose my sister, John.”
John knew that. And she can’t lose you, Rodney, John wanted to say, but never did.
“This was not an easy decision to make.”
Yeah, John thought so. But… He couldn’t let him. He couldn’t just say yes. Rodney wasn’t just someone. Rodney was… Rodney was important. Important to Atlantis, to Earth, to his sister… to him. He couldn’t lose him. Not this way.
“I can’t,” he said. But he didn’t say the whole sentence. He couldn’t. He knew that the timing would be bad. So rather he kept silent.
“Please.”
Rodney, who was pleading and was near tears, was too much for John. He broke inside and just said: “I’m sorry.”
He hated himself. He hated himself that he was so selfish, that he wanted Rodney alive. Even at the cost of Jeannie’s death. But he couldn’t help himself.
Rodney turned around and left the room. John sighed and leaned his forehead against wall.
~..~
Rodney is alive, so is Jeannie. They are happy back on Earth and enjoy their time together. John knows that. And deep inside him, he envies them. But the thought that Rodney is alive is everything he has now. And that must be enough… at least for now.
next piece I can't means I love you