Comments | lethrdadchicago: Of bar mitzvahs, ex-wives, and self-centeredness....

lethrdadchicago

Of bar mitzvahs, ex-wives, and self-centeredness....

Feb 19, 2008 13:09

OK, this will be a relatively brief one, but I have some advice to seek from my sage LJ friends. This morning I was woken up by a phone call from my ex-wife, never my choice for the way to start a day. It seems that the latest trend among technologically savvy bar mitzvah boys (and bat mitzvah girls, I suppose, seeing as my being a Catholic boy I ( Read more... )

ex-wives, dilemma, bars mitzva

Comments 33

c_lovell February 19 2008, 19:40:37 UTC

I think you make a good point. It should be more about him - not your ex-wife.

lethrdadchicago February 19 2008, 23:22:32 UTC

Thanks much, I totally agree. I'm hoping to make this happen (see response to Bearlyjoe below.) Ideally this will work, but it will be a treacherous road.

randomcub February 19 2008, 19:41:46 UTC

This is his big day, not hers. The presentation should be about him and his life, not about her and her life. This is not appropriate, nor is it a good last impression to leave bar mitzvah guests with.

lethrdadchicago February 19 2008, 23:26:06 UTC

Thanks bud, you're absolutely right. Particularly considering your ecumenical focus, I appreciate your perspective. I have never minded my ex- raising my kids in the Jewish faith, as we agreed when we divorced, since I think that it's important for one to have an ethical basis in life (I was raised Catholic.) I think that overall, this entire bar mitzvah process has been healthy for him, but we seem to have hit a snag toward the end here. Wish us luck, we may need it!

brchase February 19 2008, 20:03:12 UTC

Can you go and edit the whole thing? Have you told her that it should be about him?

Please keep us updated.

lethrdadchicago February 19 2008, 23:30:11 UTC

I may be able to do so, but (see below for my answer to Bearlyjoe) hopefully after my son and his therapist make a decision together that it should happen and not because I rock the boat, since that would be bad. My son, poor kid, spends much of his life thinking that he needs to make everyone in his life happy, and if he sees that my ex- and me are quarreling over this issue, it could start the process of setting him off on a downward spiral that, with his autism and depression, could send him right to the hospital -- which is the balance that we've been trying so hard to strike together and avoid.

delmarmar February 19 2008, 20:16:21 UTC

Seems to be a lot more about her than him, but can you change that without making everyone miserable? Most notably your son.

lethrdadchicago February 19 2008, 23:36:01 UTC

Very wise, kimo sabe, very wise. This afternoon I got a call from my ex-wife just before 4pm. She told me that my son was in the fetal position at her house with her mom, and asked if I could try to talk him into going to the synagogue to practice for his bar mitzvah with her mom and the cantor. What she did NOT tell me, and a crucial fact, was that this was a completely unplanned appointment that he found out about just a few minutes previously, and he had had no time to relax after school, had no warning, no time to absorb the change in his schedule which he clings to so carefully because of his illness. She knows but does not accept this about him. I did spend some time on the phone trying to convince him to go but he was SO upset that I finally stopped, since he was clearly in no condition to go anywhere. Her response when I called her and told her that he didn't go was something like, "Oh, well, it was worth a shot." She is a real fucking piece of work.

lethrdadchicago February 20 2008, 04:58:00 UTC

You know, I am reading this entry a few hours later, and wondering what I was thinking...I should have gone over to the house and talked to him myself. I even hesitated to call him later this evening because of the poison atmosphere over there. This is bad.

delmarmar February 20 2008, 14:40:55 UTC

What's done is done (regarding practice), next time you can talk to him in person.

As for the slideshow, maybe just (pardon the pun) let is slide? If it's giving YOU this much anxiety I don't want to imagine what it's doing to your son. Watch it with him, praise the parts that he is in, and just let the rest go by. Maybe using the time the excess pics are showing to tell him how great he's doing and how proud you are. Y'know, talk over her but not so much to cause a problem. ;)

Thread 5

xephyr_42 February 19 2008, 20:43:16 UTC

Wow. A bar mitzvah in an office? That's very odd to begin with.

You are right. This is his moment, and it should be about him, not about your ex finding ways to improve her own image with other people.
I would ask your son how he feels about the presentation, if he's happy with what it has, or if there's something he'd like to add, like maybe a cartoon of his.

I'm sure the therapist will have good advice on this.

lethrdadchicago February 19 2008, 23:44:58 UTC

Yepper, you are right, sis (nice new userpic, BTW!) She works for a disability rights organization (ironically) and they just got fancy new digs that she wants to show off in downtown Chicago. Whatever. Everything is always about Mimi (pronounced Me-Me.) Sorry, I digress. Should have resisted, but alas I did not. Tomorrow when I get the next report from his therapist (see below for my response to Bearlyjoe for the first) I will know how to approach the delicate subject of cutting down the overly long presentation. His therapist is a complete and absolute gem, she has been with us for the four years he's been in the special school he attends, and she knows and loves my son like her own. I can't imagine what my little family would have done without her in our lives, she's been a real lifesaver.