It's a question of time

[liquor1squicker]

So I'm checking Google news, like I do most mornings, and I see this picture out of the corner of my eye:

Comments

[anonymous]

i know you said this is just really a first pass but i think the main thing you wanna do with this is clean up some of the language. "the walls of the forgotten hall were coated with the several layers of dust and spiders over the broken lights and sealed in windows", for example, seems awkward. i think because you begin by saying the walls are covered by dust and spiders but then it ends by saying the windows and lights are covered by them. i dunno, just sorta needs to be cleaned up.

and i think you have a better style with just being direct. like when you use adjectives like the "crisp" wind and stuff like that it feels kind of false and i dont think it adds very much.

and i would introduce shaq with "former NBA big man and four-time championship winner, shaquille oneill" rather than leading with his name.

just some of the things that stood out to me on a first read. the idea is funny and seems like your kind of material.

-eric

[anonymous]

also, i really like the paragraph where you catalogue their weapons. i think you should work in more purely descriptive stuff.

and make this change "Shaq finished off his orange juice with two giant lips"

-eric

[liquor1squicker]

Yeah, believe me. I always have trouble being descriptive. Cause I'm rather blunt, but I was always told by my teachers that I was moving too fast and no one really understood the scenes. So I go back and forth between what I force myself to write and what I would write normally. I think that's what clouds it up sometimes.