FIC: Not Where I Belong, Part 1
Title: Not Where I Belong, Part 1
Author: lls_mutant
Summary: Tory might have pulled her from the launch tube, but Cally's life still felt like it was over. Everything she loved was gone, or at the very least, changed to something that she hated.
Warnings: Suicidal thoughts (Cally), suicide (not Cally)
Pairings: Canon pairings, Galen is important in the story, but it's more gen.
Author's Notes 1: What Nicky retcon? Also, although I changed a few events to suit our purposes, most of this universe follows canon… just with Cally alive.
Author's Notes 2: This one's for frolicndetour, who won my thread in the help_haiti auction. I'm not gonna say her whole prompt, because it ruins the ending, but she wanted Cally and Dee being awesome. This is being posted in weekly installments on Fridays.
There wasn't any blood on her hands. Cally noticed that as she shifted Nicky on her hip, her legs moving of their own accord. She'd just hit her husband as hard as she could with a pipe wrench- shouldn't there be blood? But there was no blood.
Nicky whimpered and she automatically rubbed his back. Nicky. Cally couldn't even think about him, her mind was so numb. She couldn't think about anything- not herself, not Nicky, not… not Galen. She didn't even see the hangar bay as she crossed it; just the launch tube airlock that beckoned like the proverbial light at the end of a tunnel.
And there it was, out in front of her. Space. In just a few minutes, it would all be over. All of the pain, all of the betrayal… all of this terrible feeling of her insides ripping in half would be over. She inserted the key into the lock, and began the procedure.
"Cally."
She froze, and all the numbness shattered in an instant as she recognized Tory Foster. "Stay the frak away from me!" she ordered desperately. "I know what you are. I know what all of you are. How could you?"
Tory was calm. "We don't even know what we are."
"I heard you. You're Cylons!" She spat the word; it was bitter with the ashes of New Caprica. "A bunch of frakking skinjobs."
"I wish it were that simple," Tory sighed.
Simple. The bitch didn't even begin to know what complicated was, not until she found herself like this. Cally turned the key and closed the airlock behind Tory viciously. The lump in her throat burned. "I told you to stay away from me" she reminded her. "Guess you better hope there's a spare body waiting for you."
Tory spread her arms. "You want to kill me? Go ahead. Don't do this to yourself or to your child. To Nicky."
Nicky's name was like fire to live ammunition, and Cally yanked him away protectively. "Get the frak away! You're not getting your hands on my son! Not you, not Galen! He frakkin' used me!" Every time she thought about that, it made her want to vomit. Was anything real anymore?
"He didn't know," Tory insisted. "None of us did. We didn't find out until we entered that Nebula."
"Oh, shut the frak up, traitor! Frak!"
Tory pressed on. "All we know is that we're Cylons. But in every other way, we're still the same people."
Cally shook her head angrily. "You're frakking machines!"
That seemed to hit Tory, and she looked down at her hands. "I don't know," she admitted, and some distant part of Cally's brain marveled that those words ever came out of cool, calm, professional Tory Foster's mouth. "But I do know that we're not evil. We're not inhuman. And we're just as scared and confused as you are." She came closer, and Cally tried to back away, tears streaking her face.
"I can't live like this! It's a frakking nightmare." She closed her eyes, but every time she did she saw Galen with Tory, Galen with Tigh and Tory and arguing about Cylons… she shuddered, clutching Nicky tighter. Nicky, who, no matter what he was, was part Galen. Nicky, who clung to her trustingly, his little hands on her shoulders, his soft hair against her cheek as he began to cry in earnest.
Nicky was crying. That got through to her.
Tory was nearly weeping. "You don't want to do this, Cally," she begged. "He's your son."
Cally fell to her knees, Nicky still in her arms, the realization that this was real breaking through and washing over her. "What have I done? I'm so sorry. Oh, Gods." Tory touched her shoulder, and ironically, the coolness of her hand brought more clarity. Cally took a deep breath, focusing on the baby. "It's okay," she whispered. "It's okay, Nicky. It's gonna be okay. It's gonna be okay." Maybe if she repeated it often enough, it would be.
Tory's face was sympathetic. "Let's just get out of here. It's okay. We'll work this out together. It's okay." Her voice had the same tone, the same cadence as Cally's did. Cally nodded.
"Okay."
She got to her feet, and Tory helped her by taking Nicky, stroking his hair. Then she took Cally's hand and pulled her fully to standing.
"Come on," she repeated, handing Nicky back to Cally. "Let's get out of here."
***
"I don't understand," Cally said, wiping her face. "Why?"
"Why what?" Tory asked calmly. They were in a cubicle in the infirmary, a tube hooked to Cally's arm. Cottle hadn't been crazy about the idea of leaving a suicidal patient alone, but Tory had assured him that she wouldn't leave Cally's side. And she hadn't, even when they'd taken Nicky off to sleep.
"Why did you stop me?" Cally asked. "Why do you even care?"
Tory shrugged. "I don't. Not the way that you're asking. But walking by another person and just walking away… turning a blind eye to harm like that…" she smirked. "It's inhuman."
"Inhuman," Cally muttered, looking down at her hospital gown. She shook her head and decided to lay it all on the line. "But I know," she said. "How are you going to keep me quiet. Because if you think that you pulling me back makes me-"
"Because," Tory overrode her, "no one will believe you."
She said it with such calm assurance that Cally knew she was right before she even thought about it on a rational level. Adama would never believe that Tory or Galen was a Cylon, not with their records. And Tigh? There was no way anyone in this Fleet would convince Admiral Adama that the sky was blue if Tigh said it was red. If Tigh wouldn't admit to being a Cylon, there was no way that Cally could prove it. Especially right after admitting to trying to flush herself and her son out of an airlock. She closed her eyes and sighed, falling back against the pillow.
"You're right," she whispered.
Tory smiled. "I know I am," she said. "And if you ever forget that, you will regret it, and so will Nicky. Understand me?" Cally nodded. Tory pulled the covers up to Cally's shoulders. "Now go to sleep. Things will look better in the morning." She smiled, but her smile had an edge of mockery.
***
They didn't.
When Cally woke up next, Tory was gone. But Galen was sitting by her bed, his face anxious.
"Go away," she said, closing her eyes and turning her face away.
"Cally…" Galen began.
"Just go," she ordered him.
He took a deep breath. "No."
"Galen-"
"You hit me in the head with a pipe wrench, Cally!" he hissed, and she could envision him looking around to make sure no one overheard him. "I frakking deserve an explanation for that!"
"You deserve an explanation?" Cally demanded. "After you've been lying to me all this time?"
"I told you," Galen ground out, "I'm not having an affair!"
"I didn't mean-" Cally began, and then cut herself off. Galen's eyes were flaring with suppressed rage. He was a Cylon. She thought of what she'd seen Cylons do on New Caprica, of what Tory had just threatened the night before. She shut her mouth abruptly.
"What?" Galen demanded.
How would Galen react if she told him she knew he was a Cylon? Cally shrunk back against the bed. He looked hurt, but he still looked angry. And the words burst out of her, beyond her control.
"I want a divorce."
***
Two days later, she was putting some of her clothing into a bag, Galen watching, holding Nicky.
"We can work this out," he insisted. "Come on, Cally. Don't do this. Don't do this to Nicky."
She turned on him. "Don't you use Nicky to guilt me into staying," she said. "Believe me, you have no room to talk."
"You keep saying that!" Galen said exasperatedly. "But I don't know what I've done!"
Cally hesitated, and then put the tanks she was folding down. "It's not what you've done," she finally admitted. "It's what you are."
Galen froze. "What do you mean?" he asked. "I'm the same person I've always been…" but Cally knew his voice well enough to hear the uncertainty and fear.
"Don't worry," she said with a sigh. "I won't tell anyone. Like Tory told me, they wouldn't believe me anyway. But I can't stay here."
"Cally…" She shook her head, pressing her lips together. She didn't want to say the words in front of Nicky. Galen sighed heavily. "So, this is really it? You know- you… frak. How did you know?"
"I heard you talking," Cally admitted simply. "I thought you were having an affair and I followed you." She laughed bitterly. "It's sad, isn't it? Now I wish you'd been having an affair with her. An affair is something I could live with and work through. But this?"
"But nothing's changed!" Galen insisted.
Cally spun around to face him. "Do you really think that, Galen? Do you really think I'm going to say 'oh, darling, it's okay, it doesn't matter'? After everything those frakking toasters took from us?"
"But I didn't do it!" Galen insisted. "You know me! You knew me long before the world ended!"
She turned away, and he sputtered in frustration. But she closed her ears, because nothing he could say would change the fact that he was one of them. A Cylon. She put the tanks into her bag.
"What about Nicky?" Galen said, and she knew that he was finally accepting this. "Now that you know-"
"I knew when I agreed to this joint arrangement," Cally admitted. "Nicky stays here, and we alternate weeks with him."
"Well, why are you agreeing to this?" Galen asked, running a hand through his hair. "Why aren't you thinking I'm going to… to… " he looked at Nicky and looked away.
Cally zipped the bag. "Hera," she said, rolling her eyes. "She's the chosen one. The shape of things to come. And if she's so frakking important, Nicky must be, too. They won't hurt him." She firmly blocked Tory's threat out of her mind. "You won't hurt him. And because you know if you do, I will kill you."
Galen paled and stepped back, holding Nicky to him. Cally nodded and walked past them, her bag slung over her shoulder.
She left the room that they'd called home, and she didn't look back.
***
There was an open bunk in the racks. It took Cally all of ten minutes to arrange her things. The others were watching her, curiosity clear on their faces. She tried to ignore them, but it was impossible.
She closed the locker door with a loud clang, and then realized for the first time in a year, she had an evening with nothing to do. The thought was completely boggling.
With one last mind your own business glare at her new bunkmates, she yanked a brush through her hair, and then angrily strode out of the room, closing the hatch with as loud a thud as she could manage. She stepped out into the corridor, looking around aimlessly, and then sighed.
Joe's.
It wasn't a place she went often- she never had the time. But tonight, she stood on the threshold, looking at the crowd with new eyes. It was funny, she thought, how she could spend so much time on Galactica and still feel like this was a bar full of strangers.
She pushed through the crowd, fighting her way to the bar. As she did, a woman stood up, heading for the door with a man's arm wrapped around her waist. Cally darted through a gap in the crowd and snagged her seat.
She sat on the stool, leaning on the bar. But the bartender didn't seem to notice her. She waved, trying to get his attention, but he was busy talking to a group of people.
"Are you a pilot?" the man sitting next to her asked.
"Excuse me?"
"Are you a pilot?" the man repeated. He looked vaguely familiar, but Cally couldn't place him. He was obviously military; she could see the chain for his dog tags around his neck, even though he was wearing a faded t-shirt and torn jeans. He was playing with an empty glass, and Cally automatically noticed he wasn't wearing a wedding ring.
"No, I'm not a pilot," she answered.
His eyebrows quirked up. "Good luck getting served tonight," he muttered.
"I take it you're not a pilot, either," Cally said.
"Nope. I'm on the bridge."
"Are you an officer?"
"Yup." He didn't seem overly pleased or proud of that.
Cally grimaced. She knew that in Joe's, especially given the time and the way things were, rank wasn't really supposed to exist, or the protocols were very loosely followed. But she had some notion that bridge officers were meant to be different, and she wasn't sure what else to say.
The officer sitting next to her managed to catch the bartender's eye, and the bartender came over. "Another one, lieutenant?"
"Yeah. And one for Cally here, too."
Cally waited until they'd gotten their drinks before she said, "You know me?"
He shrugged. "Sure. I know who you are, anyway. You're Tyrol's wife, and I'm good with names and faces." He took a deep swallow from his glass. "I'm Hoshi, by the way. Louis Hoshi." He extended a hand.
Cally took it; it was bony and cold. "Cally Henderson," she told him firmly, emphasizing her last name.
He raised an eyebrow, but didn't intrude. On a ship of busybodies, Cally found that oddly refreshing. She relaxed a little. "What do you do on the bridge?" she asked.
"Normally, I'm Communications, but right now I'm serving as Tactical Officer," he said, and for some reason that seemed to make him a little more annoyed. Cally remembered hearing that Gaeta was gone on that Demetrius supply mission. She nodded knowingly and sipped her drink. It was strong, with a very bitter aftertaste, and it burned going down, but it spread warmth through her.
"So, where are you from?" Cally asked, retreating back to safer territory. "Before all this, I mean."
"The Pegasus," Hoshi said.
"No, I mean, where was home?"
Hoshi gave her a dead-on stare. "The Pegasus," he repeated.
"Okay," Cally muttered. "I get it." She took another sip, searching around for a topic. "Do you like Galactica?" she asked, thinking it sounded lame even as she said it.
Hoshi snorted. "No," he said bluntly. "But what choice to I have? Those frakking toasters nuked everything else, and now the only thing that made this frakked up ship tolerable is gone, so… no. I can't stand it." He knocked back the rest of his drink.
Cally pursed her lips together. "Were you on New Caprica at all?" she asked.
"No."
Hoshi was not the easiest person to talk to, Cally realized as he stared moodily at his empty glass. She tried one more time. "Do you have kids?" she asked. He didn't answer, but his glare darkened, even if it was at the surface of the bar. "Well," Cally said, sliding off the stool, "thanks for helping me get a drink." She picked up her glass and slipped through the crowd before he could say a word. Well, if he wanted to.
The bar was still so crowded. Cally had only ever been in here once or twice- it really wasn't the sort of place to bring Nicky- and she had forgotten the press of bodies against each other, the loud noise, the smell of smoke. It was overwhelming, and not helped by the fact that she remembered walking in here and seeing Galen with Tory. Galen and Tory… her head spun, and her knees weakened.
"Hey!" Someone caught her by the elbow, and Cally's vision cleared enough to see Racetrack looking down at her concernedly. "Cally, are you okay?"
"Yeah," Cally said, fumbling. "Just… it's crowded in here."
"It is," Racetrack said happily, surveying the scene. But as she looked back down at Cally, there was compassion in her eyes. "Are you here with anyone?" Cally shook her head, and Racetrack linked her arm through hers. "Good," she said. "We've got a table over there," she gestured grandly with her drink, "so you can join us."
"All right," Cally agreed, frantically wondering who the hell we was.
We turned out to be Racetrack, Dee, Danielle from the deck, and Caroline, one of the Marines. Cally relaxed. They were Seelix's friends. Seelix had told Cally about them, and before she'd left on the Demetrius, she'd been trying to convince Cally to inform Galen that he was watching Nicky that night and come out with them. Cally had always promised she would when the time was right, but never gotten around to it.
Well, the time was sure right now.
"Push over!" Racetrack ordered Danielle. "Cally needs a seat."
"And a drink," Caroline said.
"I have a drink," Cally protested.
"The problem with that sentence," Caroline said, smiling, "it the word a. Hold on. I'll be back." Cally watched her go, slightly overwhelmed.
"You okay?" Dee asked Cally. "You look a little shaken."
"I am," Cally admitted. "Between the crowds and one of the rudest officers I've ever met-"
"Rude officer?" Racetrack perked right up. "Which one?"
"Up there at the bar. Hoshi."
"Oh." Dee rolled her eyes. "Ignore Hoshi," she said. "He's been in a mood all day. The T56 unit on the DRADIS went down, and Colonel Tigh-"
"Oh, Hoshi's just mad because he's not getting any," Racetrack interrupted. Danielle smacked her on the arm.
"Hey, just cause a guy isn't getting any doesn't mean he's not worthwhile."
"You're only saying that because you've got a crush on Figurski."
"He's nice!" Danielle insisted, in what was obviously a well-worn argument. "There are not many men left in existence that can make that claim!"
Cally was laughing with them when Dee leaned in. "I heard you left Tyrol," she said softly, and then clinked her glass against Cally's. Cally suddenly remembered that Dee had left Lee Adama, and relaxed even more. "Are you holding up all right?"
"Word travels fast," Cally said, swallowing the last of her drink. "But yeah. I guess. I mean…"
"What happened?" Dee asked, and then pulled back. "Or do you not want to talk about it?"
It was funny. Cally had left the racks because she couldn't stand the eyes on her, she'd evaded every offer Cottle had given her for a psychologist, and she'd brushed off Ishay's compassionate attempts at conversation. But Dee, who she really didn't know that well, was sitting there with open, inquiring eyes and a full drink, and Cally found herself cracking.
"I just… I found out he was lying to me," she said, fingering the edge of her glass. "Ever since I met Galen, I thought I could trust him. Completely. He's just that sort, you know?" Dee nodded, and Cally took heart from it. "But the entire time I've known him, he's been lying to me."
Dee cocked her head. "Was he married?"
"No. Nothing that straightforward."
"It never is," Dee sighed. "It would be so much easier if it was."
"So say we all," said Caroline, who skillfully slipped through the press of bodies back to their table carrying five drinks and not spilling a drop. "If it was straightforward, you wouldn't have to explain it. Because gods damn it, if it's not that simple, the just aren't going to get it."
"Men!" Racetrack said, holding up her glass. "Can't shoot 'em, can't frak without 'em."
"Well, actually-" Danielle began, but Racetrack treated her to an even glare.
"That's not what I meant," Racetrack said.
"Don't knock it until you've tried it," Caroline riposted. Racetrack stuck her tongue out, and Caroline leered. "Don't wave that around unless you plan to use it, you tease," she laughed. She draped a companionable arm around Racetrack's shoulders, and kissed her cheek. Racetrack ruffled her hair.
Cally smiled, feeling a little awkward, but Dee raised her glass. "To men," she said. "And their utter frakkery."
"Frakkery?" Danielle asked.
"Frakkery," Dee repeated firmly.
Cally raised her glass and clicked it against Dee's. "To men and their utter frakkery," she echoed. She was pretty sure that tonight she was going to get very, very drunk.
***
She was right, and she regretted it at roll call the next morning, when Galen's voice seemed like hammers in her head. She had to steel herself against vomiting, and he must have known. But he looked away from her and she was glad, because the last thing she needed was a scene on the hangar deck.
Raptor 718 was acting up again. Cally wasn't sure if she was relieved or annoyed to see the frakking thing on her work assignment. On the one hand, concentrating wouldn't be fun for a long time this morning. On the other hand, she'd be away from people and have an excuse for being grumpy all morning. She picked up her tool kit and headed over to it.
She was almost there when Galen stepped into her path. "You gonna run the diagnostics on 718?" he asked.
"Yes," she sighed.
"Don't forget to check out the exhaust system."
"I know."
"And the O2 scrubbers. They've been on the fritz."
Cally looked at him evenly. "I know. It's on the work order. I can read, Galen."
He did that thing he always did with his hands when he felt a little helpless. Cally tried to step around him, but he stopped her.
"Nicky missed you last night."
"He'll get used to it," Cally said. Oddly enough, she felt nothing when he said that. "After all, he's got you."
"It's not the same thing," Galen argued.
Cally looked away. "Let me go," she said dully. "I have work to do."
Amazingly, Galen stepped aside. Cally made her way to the Raptor, trying to ignore the guilt that was rising up inside her whenever she thought of Nicky. She didn't want to think about Nicky; it only made her head hurt worse and her stomach rebel. Instead, she pulled out her tools and began to get down to work.
She was wedged under the ECO console testing the connections when she heard a knock on the Raptor's frame. "What is it now?" she asked grumpily.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I can come back later." The voice was male, but it wasn't Galen's. It wasn't one that Cally really recognized, although it sounded vaguely familiar.
"Hold on just a second," she said, deftly twisting two wires together. She eased out from under the ECO and looked up to see an officer in duty blues standing stiffly, just inside the entrance. It took a minute, and then she finally remembered him.
"You're Lieutenant Hoshi, right sir?" she asked. "What do you need?"
Hoshi made a face. "Actually, I'm not down here for official business. It's just… I have this memory of being incredibly rude to you at Joe's last night, and I wanted to apologize."
Cally blinked, and then blinked again. "Oh," was all she could think to say.
"It's not an excuse," Hoshi continued, "but I was drunk. I had a miserable day yesterday, and I've been worried ever since… well, ever since. But I shouldn't have taken it out on you like I did."
"It's all right, sir," Cally said, still struggling for footing in a conversation she didn't really quite expect. "Trust me. With the day I had yesterday, it barely registered."
"Rather humbling," Hoshi said, flashing a quick smile. His face dropped back to seriousness, and he cleared his throat. "If I didn't have such a hangover, I'd ask you for a drink tonight to make up for it," he said. "But as it is-"
Cally looked at her watch. "I have a break," she said. "We could go for a cup of coffee right now instead,"
Hoshi's face lit up as he smiled. "I'd like that, if you've got time."
"Sure." Cally picked up her tools and put them in her box, and then wiped her hands on her coveralls. "Let's go."
They stepped out of the Raptor together, and Cally saw Galen looking their way, watching them. Good, she thought, stepping a little closer to Hoshi and lifting her chin. Let him think… oh, frak. Who cared what that toaster thought? But she felt his eyes on her, all the way out of the hangar bay.
***
"So, after searching the entire ship, she finally found Scissors asleep in his Raptor," Hoshi laughed. "And when she ordered him awake, I swear to you the man jumped three feet into the air."
Cally laughed. "It's funny," she admitted, moving her empty cup of coffee, "I just never imagine anyone from the Pegasus laughing."
"Why not?" Hoshi asked, shrugging. "Life wasn't like it was hear on Galactica," he said, and Cally thought she caught a note of contempt in his voice, "but Admiral Cain wasn't a monster."
Cally pressed her lips together. "The first people I met from the Pegasus were Vireem and Gage," she said.
"Oh. Oh." Hoshi's face darkened. "Yeah. That would really color your impression of us, wouldn't it?"
"You know them?" Cally asked.
"I've had my run-ins with them," Hoshi admitted. He took a sip of his coffee and grimaced. "But I know that most Galatica people don't think very highly of Admiral Cain, either."
"There were rumors," Cally said carefully.
"There always are." He sighed and looked down at his cup. "And, you know, I do understand. We all do. But I served on the Pegasus for over ten years. And even though we all ended up like we did… it's not everything the Pegasus was." He looked lost in thought for a moment, and then shook himself. "I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't mean to be lecturing you about the Pegasus."
"It's all right," Cally said. "Believe it or not, I get it. I mean, pretty everyone on this ship wants to forget that New Caprica ever existed. But while I was down there, I was the happiest I've been in my entire life."
"Really?"
She shrugged. "Galen and I had just gotten married and then we had Nicky."
"Oh." He smiled at that.
"Yeah," Cally said. "So when you talk about good things going to hell, I know exactly what you mean."
Hoshi cringed. "Just the Cylons? Or things not going well?"
"We're getting divorced."
"I'm sorry." He looked awkward. "Although truthfully, I'd heard."
"I figured," Cally said. She looked at her watch. "I have to get back to work."
"I'm on duty in a few minutes myself," Hoshi admitted. "But listen, it was really nice talking to you, and… well, don't take this wrong, because it's not what I'm asking, and I know it's just algae no matter where you go, but would you like to have dinner sometime?"
For a moment, Cally stared at him in shock. She was about to make a polite refusal, but then thought about family dinners in the quarters she'd shared with Galen and how those didn't exist anymore, and the loneliness she'd seen in Hoshi's eyes and heard in his voice.
"Yeah," she said finally. "I'd like that a lot."
***
It was late that night when Cally climbed into her rack, twisting around to try to get comfortable. It didn't work. She lay on her back, staring up at the blank ceiling. Last night she'd been drunk and exhausted; she hadn't fallen asleep as much as she'd passed out. But tonight, she hadn't touched a drop, and she was starting to regret it.
Sucicide. Divorce. Cylons. Prisoner. The words didn't seem like they could describe her life at all, only what was happening to someone else. And yet, that's exactly what her life was now- a thwarted suicide, a divorce from a Cylon husband, and a threat of something happening to her or her baby if she told anyone what he was. Cally didn't know what the frak she was supposed to do with this particular hand that the gods had dealt her.
She remembered the priest in her temple, a long time ago, after her little brother died, telling her that the gods never gave anyone more than they could handle. She'd never quite believed that, although she said she did at the time. But ever since the Cylons had come back and the worlds had ended and she had survived, Cally had started to think it was true. Maybe life was hell now, but she was still surviving.
Or maybe that was just the antidepressants talking.
She turned over on her side, staring at the black privacy curtain. She imagined Nicky back in the family quarters, curled up in his crib on his side, snug in his warm feety jammies, his worn blanket clutched firmly in his little fist. The dancing lights would be moving over the walls, soothing him. She could see the picture as clearly as if she was there, and for the first time since she'd left the quarters, she felt some of the heartbreak she'd expected to feel.
But what about Galen? What was he doing? Was he sitting at the table, going over reports? Drinking? Lying on his back and staring at the ceiling? Frakking Tory Foster? Plotting the destruction of the human race? Plugging himself into an electrical outlet and powering up? Cally groaned- that was the last thing she wanted to think about.
She had a feeling sleep wasn't coming tonight. She pulled her blanket up, stared at the ceiling, and listened to herself humming a lullaby.
***
"You okay, Cally?" Dee asked two nights later. "You look…" she hesitated tactfully.
"You look like shit," Racetrack said. "Is Tyrol giving you a hard time?"
"No," Cally said, rubbing her head.
"He is," Danielle contradicted her. "He's working you like crazy."
"No he's not," Cally insisted. "The only way I can sleep at night is if I wear myself out working."
Danielle shook her head, and Racetrack looked like she agreed with Danielle. But Caroline interrupted, sort of changing the subject. "Have you been able to spend time with Nicky at all?"
Cally looked at her glass. "I had lunch with him yesterday," she said. "At his daycare."
"Was it hard?" Caroline asked sympathetically. "To walk away, I mean?"
"No," Cally said honestly. They looked a little shocked, so she fumbled for an explanation. "It's just… however much I hate Galen right now, the only thing I do trust is that he won't hurt Nicky. At least, not intentionally." She rolled her eyes. "Okay, and there's a part of me that's wondering how the hell he's doing without me there."
"He looks like worse shit than you do," Racetrack said, smiling evilly. "It's safe to say he's finding out just how much you did."
Caroline and Danielle laughed, but Dee didn't. Cally was grateful to her, because Dee was getting that none of this was at all that easy. And Dee didn't even know the half of it, unless Lee Adama was one of the final two Cylons. She cleared her throat and changed the subject more thoroughly. "How are things in the CIC?"
Dee gave her one brief wistful smile, and then rolled her eyes. "The saga of Gage continues," she said. The other three groaned, but leaned in eagerly.
"What did the moron do now?" Danielle laughed.
"Wait," Caroline said, "catch Cally up."
"Yes," Dee said. She folded her hands under her chin. "Gage, the asshole from hell, has been being trained in the CIC," Dee explained. "We're short communications officers. And for some reason- maybe because he was drunk when he was going over the list of names- Colonel Tigh decided that someone who sits on the TV and watches the couch is a great candidate for CIC work."
"Wait," Cally said nervously, "our lives are dependant on Gage?"
"Yeah. Whatever Tigh was drinking when he decided on it, I want some." Dee said.
"Maybe it wasn't Tigh," Danielle suggested. "Maybe Gaeta was pissed about being sent off with Starbuck and wanted to get revenge and recommended Gage."
"Maybe Gage is setting Tigh up with sexual favors," Caroline suggested, laughing.
"Maybe Gage is giving Tigh sexual favors," Racetrack topped her.
"Maybe Tigh is a sleeper Cylon agent, and this is the new Cylon plan for destroying humanity," Cally suggested.
The girls dissolved into laughter, Dee eventually having to wipe tears off her cheeks. "Gods, wouldn't that be horrifying?" she said. "If I ever thought Tigh could be a Cylon, I would almost believe that."
Cally's heart sank. This was what she was afraid of. "You don't think Tigh could be a Cylon?" she asked.
Dee waved her hand. "There are five people in this Fleet I am completely convinced can't be Cylons," she said. "The Adamas, because they're related by blood, and Sam Anders, Galen Tyrol, and Saul Tigh."
Caroline nodded concurrence, her face hardening. "If they were Cylons, there is no way they'd be sending suicide bombers after the skinjobs on New Caprica."
"And after what he admitted to at Baltar's trial," Danielle added compassionately.
Cally nodded. "I know," she sighed, and she realized that Tory was right. It wasn't just Adama. No one would believe her about Tyrol and Tigh, and Tory had played a huge role in the Resistance as well.
Well, frak. Cally shook her head, and then forced a smile. "So, what did Gage do today?" she asked, and the mood of the table lightened once again.
***
"So what about you?" Cally asked Hoshi as they ate dinner together for the third time in as many days. "You keep bugging me about Galen, you speculate on the pilots, but you've never told me- do you have a love of your life?" To her surprise, Hoshi actually flushed a bit. "Ooh, there is someone. Spill it, loverboy."
"It's nothing big," Hoshi said, looking down and fiddling with his silverware, like that would hide the feelings that were written across his face. "We've been together about eight months, but…"
"She doesn't mind me eating dinner with you, does she?" Cally asked.
"No, he wouldn't," Hoshi said, smiling. "Felix isn't really the jealous type."
"You're with Gaeta?" Cally asked, a little surprised that Hoshi would be willing to put up with the Baltar obsession that everyone on Galactica had known about. But then, Gaeta had also stabbed Baltar. Guess that obsession was a thing of the past. "I think I heard something about that, now that I think about it."
Hoshi shrugged. "Maybe. Neither of us is exactly comfortable with public affection, or the entire ship talking about us, so we keep it on the down-low. After all, we're not pilots. We don't have to be loud and obnoxious."
Cally laughed. "Guess not." It was funny how much she'd learned about Hoshi in such a short time, although his general contempt for pilots was one of the first things she'd figured out. "So, is it serious?"
Hoshi raised an eyebrow. "That's part of why I don't talk about it much," he admitted. "I'm afraid I'll jinx it or something. I'd like it to be serious."
"But he?"
"Has some… baggage."
"Mmm."
"Including your former husband."
"What?" Cally said. "Galen and Gaeta?"
Hoshi laughed. "No," he said. "No, I'm sorry. Wow, that did come out wrong. You knew about the Circle, right?"
"The Circle?" Cally asked.
Hoshi hesitated. "You didn't know?"
"What Circle?" Cally repeated, her voice hardening.
"It's… I'm not sure…" Hoshi hesitated.
Cally crossed her arms. "You started it," she informed him. "Now spit it out."
Hoshi chewed his lip. "How much do you want to hate your husband?"
"An awful lot," Cally said.
Hoshi stood and picked up his bowl. "Come on," he said. "I'm not telling you in public."
Cally swallowed hard and followed him.
***
"Dee?"
Dee looked up from her hand. "Yeah?"
"Can I ask you something, off the record?"
"Sure." Dee put down the cards and scooted her chair closer. The rec room was crowded, but no one had sat down at their table yet. Cally leaned in and lowered her voice.
"Did you know about this Circle?"
Dee's face gave her the answer before her voice did. Cally saw it in the seriousness of her eyes. She figured Dee would know, either because of Lee Adama or Felix Gaeta, and her instinct had been right.
Dee swallowed. "Is that what you found out about Galen?" she asked. "Because, while I'm not defending it, from what Felix told me, he's the one that let him go."
"No," Cally said. "I… well, it just doesn't surprise me, I guess. Do you… do you know how many people they did kill?"
"I never heard," Dee admitted. "And Lee never told me anything about it- it was all Felix. But it couldn't have been too many, or we would have heard about it."
"I guess," Cally said dubiously. "Who else was in on it? Was Tory? Or Tigh?"
"Not Tory," Dee said softly.
"But-"
"Shh!" Dee hissed. "Don't say it!"
"No one's listening," Cally said, even as she looked around and lowered her voice.
"You never know," Dee said seriously. She chewed her lip. "But Galen… are you…?"
Cally thought about it, and rubbed her forehead with her knuckles. "I don't know what I think," she admitted. "But he let Gaeta go, right?"
"Right."
"And it was right after New Caprica. You didn't see him down there… how angry he was."
"I can imagine," Dee said sympathetically.
"No," Cally retorted. "You can't. You weren't down there."
"No, I wasn't," Dee said calmly, "but I was up on a boat with Lee Adama, who I'm pretty sure was suffering from some sort of clinical depression. I know how it feels to see your partner suffering like that."
"Sorry," Cally said.
"It's all right," Dee said so calmly that Cally wondered how many times she'd had this argument with Gaeta himself. "And you were down there, too." The unspoken question of what would you have done? hung between them, and Cally didn't even want to go there, because she had a damn good idea of the answer.
"Yeah," she said. She swept the cards up with a sigh and began to shuffle. "I think we've got time for one more hand before the others come in."
Dee tossed her hair back over her shoulder and put on a bright smile. "Yeah," she said. "We do."
On to Part 2
Author: lls_mutant
Summary: Tory might have pulled her from the launch tube, but Cally's life still felt like it was over. Everything she loved was gone, or at the very least, changed to something that she hated.
Warnings: Suicidal thoughts (Cally), suicide (not Cally)
Pairings: Canon pairings, Galen is important in the story, but it's more gen.
Author's Notes 1: What Nicky retcon? Also, although I changed a few events to suit our purposes, most of this universe follows canon… just with Cally alive.
Author's Notes 2: This one's for frolicndetour, who won my thread in the help_haiti auction. I'm not gonna say her whole prompt, because it ruins the ending, but she wanted Cally and Dee being awesome. This is being posted in weekly installments on Fridays.
There wasn't any blood on her hands. Cally noticed that as she shifted Nicky on her hip, her legs moving of their own accord. She'd just hit her husband as hard as she could with a pipe wrench- shouldn't there be blood? But there was no blood.
Nicky whimpered and she automatically rubbed his back. Nicky. Cally couldn't even think about him, her mind was so numb. She couldn't think about anything- not herself, not Nicky, not… not Galen. She didn't even see the hangar bay as she crossed it; just the launch tube airlock that beckoned like the proverbial light at the end of a tunnel.
And there it was, out in front of her. Space. In just a few minutes, it would all be over. All of the pain, all of the betrayal… all of this terrible feeling of her insides ripping in half would be over. She inserted the key into the lock, and began the procedure.
"Cally."
She froze, and all the numbness shattered in an instant as she recognized Tory Foster. "Stay the frak away from me!" she ordered desperately. "I know what you are. I know what all of you are. How could you?"
Tory was calm. "We don't even know what we are."
"I heard you. You're Cylons!" She spat the word; it was bitter with the ashes of New Caprica. "A bunch of frakking skinjobs."
"I wish it were that simple," Tory sighed.
Simple. The bitch didn't even begin to know what complicated was, not until she found herself like this. Cally turned the key and closed the airlock behind Tory viciously. The lump in her throat burned. "I told you to stay away from me" she reminded her. "Guess you better hope there's a spare body waiting for you."
Tory spread her arms. "You want to kill me? Go ahead. Don't do this to yourself or to your child. To Nicky."
Nicky's name was like fire to live ammunition, and Cally yanked him away protectively. "Get the frak away! You're not getting your hands on my son! Not you, not Galen! He frakkin' used me!" Every time she thought about that, it made her want to vomit. Was anything real anymore?
"He didn't know," Tory insisted. "None of us did. We didn't find out until we entered that Nebula."
"Oh, shut the frak up, traitor! Frak!"
Tory pressed on. "All we know is that we're Cylons. But in every other way, we're still the same people."
Cally shook her head angrily. "You're frakking machines!"
That seemed to hit Tory, and she looked down at her hands. "I don't know," she admitted, and some distant part of Cally's brain marveled that those words ever came out of cool, calm, professional Tory Foster's mouth. "But I do know that we're not evil. We're not inhuman. And we're just as scared and confused as you are." She came closer, and Cally tried to back away, tears streaking her face.
"I can't live like this! It's a frakking nightmare." She closed her eyes, but every time she did she saw Galen with Tory, Galen with Tigh and Tory and arguing about Cylons… she shuddered, clutching Nicky tighter. Nicky, who, no matter what he was, was part Galen. Nicky, who clung to her trustingly, his little hands on her shoulders, his soft hair against her cheek as he began to cry in earnest.
Nicky was crying. That got through to her.
Tory was nearly weeping. "You don't want to do this, Cally," she begged. "He's your son."
Cally fell to her knees, Nicky still in her arms, the realization that this was real breaking through and washing over her. "What have I done? I'm so sorry. Oh, Gods." Tory touched her shoulder, and ironically, the coolness of her hand brought more clarity. Cally took a deep breath, focusing on the baby. "It's okay," she whispered. "It's okay, Nicky. It's gonna be okay. It's gonna be okay." Maybe if she repeated it often enough, it would be.
Tory's face was sympathetic. "Let's just get out of here. It's okay. We'll work this out together. It's okay." Her voice had the same tone, the same cadence as Cally's did. Cally nodded.
"Okay."
She got to her feet, and Tory helped her by taking Nicky, stroking his hair. Then she took Cally's hand and pulled her fully to standing.
"Come on," she repeated, handing Nicky back to Cally. "Let's get out of here."
***
"I don't understand," Cally said, wiping her face. "Why?"
"Why what?" Tory asked calmly. They were in a cubicle in the infirmary, a tube hooked to Cally's arm. Cottle hadn't been crazy about the idea of leaving a suicidal patient alone, but Tory had assured him that she wouldn't leave Cally's side. And she hadn't, even when they'd taken Nicky off to sleep.
"Why did you stop me?" Cally asked. "Why do you even care?"
Tory shrugged. "I don't. Not the way that you're asking. But walking by another person and just walking away… turning a blind eye to harm like that…" she smirked. "It's inhuman."
"Inhuman," Cally muttered, looking down at her hospital gown. She shook her head and decided to lay it all on the line. "But I know," she said. "How are you going to keep me quiet. Because if you think that you pulling me back makes me-"
"Because," Tory overrode her, "no one will believe you."
She said it with such calm assurance that Cally knew she was right before she even thought about it on a rational level. Adama would never believe that Tory or Galen was a Cylon, not with their records. And Tigh? There was no way anyone in this Fleet would convince Admiral Adama that the sky was blue if Tigh said it was red. If Tigh wouldn't admit to being a Cylon, there was no way that Cally could prove it. Especially right after admitting to trying to flush herself and her son out of an airlock. She closed her eyes and sighed, falling back against the pillow.
"You're right," she whispered.
Tory smiled. "I know I am," she said. "And if you ever forget that, you will regret it, and so will Nicky. Understand me?" Cally nodded. Tory pulled the covers up to Cally's shoulders. "Now go to sleep. Things will look better in the morning." She smiled, but her smile had an edge of mockery.
***
They didn't.
When Cally woke up next, Tory was gone. But Galen was sitting by her bed, his face anxious.
"Go away," she said, closing her eyes and turning her face away.
"Cally…" Galen began.
"Just go," she ordered him.
He took a deep breath. "No."
"Galen-"
"You hit me in the head with a pipe wrench, Cally!" he hissed, and she could envision him looking around to make sure no one overheard him. "I frakking deserve an explanation for that!"
"You deserve an explanation?" Cally demanded. "After you've been lying to me all this time?"
"I told you," Galen ground out, "I'm not having an affair!"
"I didn't mean-" Cally began, and then cut herself off. Galen's eyes were flaring with suppressed rage. He was a Cylon. She thought of what she'd seen Cylons do on New Caprica, of what Tory had just threatened the night before. She shut her mouth abruptly.
"What?" Galen demanded.
How would Galen react if she told him she knew he was a Cylon? Cally shrunk back against the bed. He looked hurt, but he still looked angry. And the words burst out of her, beyond her control.
"I want a divorce."
***
Two days later, she was putting some of her clothing into a bag, Galen watching, holding Nicky.
"We can work this out," he insisted. "Come on, Cally. Don't do this. Don't do this to Nicky."
She turned on him. "Don't you use Nicky to guilt me into staying," she said. "Believe me, you have no room to talk."
"You keep saying that!" Galen said exasperatedly. "But I don't know what I've done!"
Cally hesitated, and then put the tanks she was folding down. "It's not what you've done," she finally admitted. "It's what you are."
Galen froze. "What do you mean?" he asked. "I'm the same person I've always been…" but Cally knew his voice well enough to hear the uncertainty and fear.
"Don't worry," she said with a sigh. "I won't tell anyone. Like Tory told me, they wouldn't believe me anyway. But I can't stay here."
"Cally…" She shook her head, pressing her lips together. She didn't want to say the words in front of Nicky. Galen sighed heavily. "So, this is really it? You know- you… frak. How did you know?"
"I heard you talking," Cally admitted simply. "I thought you were having an affair and I followed you." She laughed bitterly. "It's sad, isn't it? Now I wish you'd been having an affair with her. An affair is something I could live with and work through. But this?"
"But nothing's changed!" Galen insisted.
Cally spun around to face him. "Do you really think that, Galen? Do you really think I'm going to say 'oh, darling, it's okay, it doesn't matter'? After everything those frakking toasters took from us?"
"But I didn't do it!" Galen insisted. "You know me! You knew me long before the world ended!"
She turned away, and he sputtered in frustration. But she closed her ears, because nothing he could say would change the fact that he was one of them. A Cylon. She put the tanks into her bag.
"What about Nicky?" Galen said, and she knew that he was finally accepting this. "Now that you know-"
"I knew when I agreed to this joint arrangement," Cally admitted. "Nicky stays here, and we alternate weeks with him."
"Well, why are you agreeing to this?" Galen asked, running a hand through his hair. "Why aren't you thinking I'm going to… to… " he looked at Nicky and looked away.
Cally zipped the bag. "Hera," she said, rolling her eyes. "She's the chosen one. The shape of things to come. And if she's so frakking important, Nicky must be, too. They won't hurt him." She firmly blocked Tory's threat out of her mind. "You won't hurt him. And because you know if you do, I will kill you."
Galen paled and stepped back, holding Nicky to him. Cally nodded and walked past them, her bag slung over her shoulder.
She left the room that they'd called home, and she didn't look back.
***
There was an open bunk in the racks. It took Cally all of ten minutes to arrange her things. The others were watching her, curiosity clear on their faces. She tried to ignore them, but it was impossible.
She closed the locker door with a loud clang, and then realized for the first time in a year, she had an evening with nothing to do. The thought was completely boggling.
With one last mind your own business glare at her new bunkmates, she yanked a brush through her hair, and then angrily strode out of the room, closing the hatch with as loud a thud as she could manage. She stepped out into the corridor, looking around aimlessly, and then sighed.
Joe's.
It wasn't a place she went often- she never had the time. But tonight, she stood on the threshold, looking at the crowd with new eyes. It was funny, she thought, how she could spend so much time on Galactica and still feel like this was a bar full of strangers.
She pushed through the crowd, fighting her way to the bar. As she did, a woman stood up, heading for the door with a man's arm wrapped around her waist. Cally darted through a gap in the crowd and snagged her seat.
She sat on the stool, leaning on the bar. But the bartender didn't seem to notice her. She waved, trying to get his attention, but he was busy talking to a group of people.
"Are you a pilot?" the man sitting next to her asked.
"Excuse me?"
"Are you a pilot?" the man repeated. He looked vaguely familiar, but Cally couldn't place him. He was obviously military; she could see the chain for his dog tags around his neck, even though he was wearing a faded t-shirt and torn jeans. He was playing with an empty glass, and Cally automatically noticed he wasn't wearing a wedding ring.
"No, I'm not a pilot," she answered.
His eyebrows quirked up. "Good luck getting served tonight," he muttered.
"I take it you're not a pilot, either," Cally said.
"Nope. I'm on the bridge."
"Are you an officer?"
"Yup." He didn't seem overly pleased or proud of that.
Cally grimaced. She knew that in Joe's, especially given the time and the way things were, rank wasn't really supposed to exist, or the protocols were very loosely followed. But she had some notion that bridge officers were meant to be different, and she wasn't sure what else to say.
The officer sitting next to her managed to catch the bartender's eye, and the bartender came over. "Another one, lieutenant?"
"Yeah. And one for Cally here, too."
Cally waited until they'd gotten their drinks before she said, "You know me?"
He shrugged. "Sure. I know who you are, anyway. You're Tyrol's wife, and I'm good with names and faces." He took a deep swallow from his glass. "I'm Hoshi, by the way. Louis Hoshi." He extended a hand.
Cally took it; it was bony and cold. "Cally Henderson," she told him firmly, emphasizing her last name.
He raised an eyebrow, but didn't intrude. On a ship of busybodies, Cally found that oddly refreshing. She relaxed a little. "What do you do on the bridge?" she asked.
"Normally, I'm Communications, but right now I'm serving as Tactical Officer," he said, and for some reason that seemed to make him a little more annoyed. Cally remembered hearing that Gaeta was gone on that Demetrius supply mission. She nodded knowingly and sipped her drink. It was strong, with a very bitter aftertaste, and it burned going down, but it spread warmth through her.
"So, where are you from?" Cally asked, retreating back to safer territory. "Before all this, I mean."
"The Pegasus," Hoshi said.
"No, I mean, where was home?"
Hoshi gave her a dead-on stare. "The Pegasus," he repeated.
"Okay," Cally muttered. "I get it." She took another sip, searching around for a topic. "Do you like Galactica?" she asked, thinking it sounded lame even as she said it.
Hoshi snorted. "No," he said bluntly. "But what choice to I have? Those frakking toasters nuked everything else, and now the only thing that made this frakked up ship tolerable is gone, so… no. I can't stand it." He knocked back the rest of his drink.
Cally pursed her lips together. "Were you on New Caprica at all?" she asked.
"No."
Hoshi was not the easiest person to talk to, Cally realized as he stared moodily at his empty glass. She tried one more time. "Do you have kids?" she asked. He didn't answer, but his glare darkened, even if it was at the surface of the bar. "Well," Cally said, sliding off the stool, "thanks for helping me get a drink." She picked up her glass and slipped through the crowd before he could say a word. Well, if he wanted to.
The bar was still so crowded. Cally had only ever been in here once or twice- it really wasn't the sort of place to bring Nicky- and she had forgotten the press of bodies against each other, the loud noise, the smell of smoke. It was overwhelming, and not helped by the fact that she remembered walking in here and seeing Galen with Tory. Galen and Tory… her head spun, and her knees weakened.
"Hey!" Someone caught her by the elbow, and Cally's vision cleared enough to see Racetrack looking down at her concernedly. "Cally, are you okay?"
"Yeah," Cally said, fumbling. "Just… it's crowded in here."
"It is," Racetrack said happily, surveying the scene. But as she looked back down at Cally, there was compassion in her eyes. "Are you here with anyone?" Cally shook her head, and Racetrack linked her arm through hers. "Good," she said. "We've got a table over there," she gestured grandly with her drink, "so you can join us."
"All right," Cally agreed, frantically wondering who the hell we was.
We turned out to be Racetrack, Dee, Danielle from the deck, and Caroline, one of the Marines. Cally relaxed. They were Seelix's friends. Seelix had told Cally about them, and before she'd left on the Demetrius, she'd been trying to convince Cally to inform Galen that he was watching Nicky that night and come out with them. Cally had always promised she would when the time was right, but never gotten around to it.
Well, the time was sure right now.
"Push over!" Racetrack ordered Danielle. "Cally needs a seat."
"And a drink," Caroline said.
"I have a drink," Cally protested.
"The problem with that sentence," Caroline said, smiling, "it the word a. Hold on. I'll be back." Cally watched her go, slightly overwhelmed.
"You okay?" Dee asked Cally. "You look a little shaken."
"I am," Cally admitted. "Between the crowds and one of the rudest officers I've ever met-"
"Rude officer?" Racetrack perked right up. "Which one?"
"Up there at the bar. Hoshi."
"Oh." Dee rolled her eyes. "Ignore Hoshi," she said. "He's been in a mood all day. The T56 unit on the DRADIS went down, and Colonel Tigh-"
"Oh, Hoshi's just mad because he's not getting any," Racetrack interrupted. Danielle smacked her on the arm.
"Hey, just cause a guy isn't getting any doesn't mean he's not worthwhile."
"You're only saying that because you've got a crush on Figurski."
"He's nice!" Danielle insisted, in what was obviously a well-worn argument. "There are not many men left in existence that can make that claim!"
Cally was laughing with them when Dee leaned in. "I heard you left Tyrol," she said softly, and then clinked her glass against Cally's. Cally suddenly remembered that Dee had left Lee Adama, and relaxed even more. "Are you holding up all right?"
"Word travels fast," Cally said, swallowing the last of her drink. "But yeah. I guess. I mean…"
"What happened?" Dee asked, and then pulled back. "Or do you not want to talk about it?"
It was funny. Cally had left the racks because she couldn't stand the eyes on her, she'd evaded every offer Cottle had given her for a psychologist, and she'd brushed off Ishay's compassionate attempts at conversation. But Dee, who she really didn't know that well, was sitting there with open, inquiring eyes and a full drink, and Cally found herself cracking.
"I just… I found out he was lying to me," she said, fingering the edge of her glass. "Ever since I met Galen, I thought I could trust him. Completely. He's just that sort, you know?" Dee nodded, and Cally took heart from it. "But the entire time I've known him, he's been lying to me."
Dee cocked her head. "Was he married?"
"No. Nothing that straightforward."
"It never is," Dee sighed. "It would be so much easier if it was."
"So say we all," said Caroline, who skillfully slipped through the press of bodies back to their table carrying five drinks and not spilling a drop. "If it was straightforward, you wouldn't have to explain it. Because gods damn it, if it's not that simple, the just aren't going to get it."
"Men!" Racetrack said, holding up her glass. "Can't shoot 'em, can't frak without 'em."
"Well, actually-" Danielle began, but Racetrack treated her to an even glare.
"That's not what I meant," Racetrack said.
"Don't knock it until you've tried it," Caroline riposted. Racetrack stuck her tongue out, and Caroline leered. "Don't wave that around unless you plan to use it, you tease," she laughed. She draped a companionable arm around Racetrack's shoulders, and kissed her cheek. Racetrack ruffled her hair.
Cally smiled, feeling a little awkward, but Dee raised her glass. "To men," she said. "And their utter frakkery."
"Frakkery?" Danielle asked.
"Frakkery," Dee repeated firmly.
Cally raised her glass and clicked it against Dee's. "To men and their utter frakkery," she echoed. She was pretty sure that tonight she was going to get very, very drunk.
***
She was right, and she regretted it at roll call the next morning, when Galen's voice seemed like hammers in her head. She had to steel herself against vomiting, and he must have known. But he looked away from her and she was glad, because the last thing she needed was a scene on the hangar deck.
Raptor 718 was acting up again. Cally wasn't sure if she was relieved or annoyed to see the frakking thing on her work assignment. On the one hand, concentrating wouldn't be fun for a long time this morning. On the other hand, she'd be away from people and have an excuse for being grumpy all morning. She picked up her tool kit and headed over to it.
She was almost there when Galen stepped into her path. "You gonna run the diagnostics on 718?" he asked.
"Yes," she sighed.
"Don't forget to check out the exhaust system."
"I know."
"And the O2 scrubbers. They've been on the fritz."
Cally looked at him evenly. "I know. It's on the work order. I can read, Galen."
He did that thing he always did with his hands when he felt a little helpless. Cally tried to step around him, but he stopped her.
"Nicky missed you last night."
"He'll get used to it," Cally said. Oddly enough, she felt nothing when he said that. "After all, he's got you."
"It's not the same thing," Galen argued.
Cally looked away. "Let me go," she said dully. "I have work to do."
Amazingly, Galen stepped aside. Cally made her way to the Raptor, trying to ignore the guilt that was rising up inside her whenever she thought of Nicky. She didn't want to think about Nicky; it only made her head hurt worse and her stomach rebel. Instead, she pulled out her tools and began to get down to work.
She was wedged under the ECO console testing the connections when she heard a knock on the Raptor's frame. "What is it now?" she asked grumpily.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I can come back later." The voice was male, but it wasn't Galen's. It wasn't one that Cally really recognized, although it sounded vaguely familiar.
"Hold on just a second," she said, deftly twisting two wires together. She eased out from under the ECO and looked up to see an officer in duty blues standing stiffly, just inside the entrance. It took a minute, and then she finally remembered him.
"You're Lieutenant Hoshi, right sir?" she asked. "What do you need?"
Hoshi made a face. "Actually, I'm not down here for official business. It's just… I have this memory of being incredibly rude to you at Joe's last night, and I wanted to apologize."
Cally blinked, and then blinked again. "Oh," was all she could think to say.
"It's not an excuse," Hoshi continued, "but I was drunk. I had a miserable day yesterday, and I've been worried ever since… well, ever since. But I shouldn't have taken it out on you like I did."
"It's all right, sir," Cally said, still struggling for footing in a conversation she didn't really quite expect. "Trust me. With the day I had yesterday, it barely registered."
"Rather humbling," Hoshi said, flashing a quick smile. His face dropped back to seriousness, and he cleared his throat. "If I didn't have such a hangover, I'd ask you for a drink tonight to make up for it," he said. "But as it is-"
Cally looked at her watch. "I have a break," she said. "We could go for a cup of coffee right now instead,"
Hoshi's face lit up as he smiled. "I'd like that, if you've got time."
"Sure." Cally picked up her tools and put them in her box, and then wiped her hands on her coveralls. "Let's go."
They stepped out of the Raptor together, and Cally saw Galen looking their way, watching them. Good, she thought, stepping a little closer to Hoshi and lifting her chin. Let him think… oh, frak. Who cared what that toaster thought? But she felt his eyes on her, all the way out of the hangar bay.
***
"So, after searching the entire ship, she finally found Scissors asleep in his Raptor," Hoshi laughed. "And when she ordered him awake, I swear to you the man jumped three feet into the air."
Cally laughed. "It's funny," she admitted, moving her empty cup of coffee, "I just never imagine anyone from the Pegasus laughing."
"Why not?" Hoshi asked, shrugging. "Life wasn't like it was hear on Galactica," he said, and Cally thought she caught a note of contempt in his voice, "but Admiral Cain wasn't a monster."
Cally pressed her lips together. "The first people I met from the Pegasus were Vireem and Gage," she said.
"Oh. Oh." Hoshi's face darkened. "Yeah. That would really color your impression of us, wouldn't it?"
"You know them?" Cally asked.
"I've had my run-ins with them," Hoshi admitted. He took a sip of his coffee and grimaced. "But I know that most Galatica people don't think very highly of Admiral Cain, either."
"There were rumors," Cally said carefully.
"There always are." He sighed and looked down at his cup. "And, you know, I do understand. We all do. But I served on the Pegasus for over ten years. And even though we all ended up like we did… it's not everything the Pegasus was." He looked lost in thought for a moment, and then shook himself. "I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't mean to be lecturing you about the Pegasus."
"It's all right," Cally said. "Believe it or not, I get it. I mean, pretty everyone on this ship wants to forget that New Caprica ever existed. But while I was down there, I was the happiest I've been in my entire life."
"Really?"
She shrugged. "Galen and I had just gotten married and then we had Nicky."
"Oh." He smiled at that.
"Yeah," Cally said. "So when you talk about good things going to hell, I know exactly what you mean."
Hoshi cringed. "Just the Cylons? Or things not going well?"
"We're getting divorced."
"I'm sorry." He looked awkward. "Although truthfully, I'd heard."
"I figured," Cally said. She looked at her watch. "I have to get back to work."
"I'm on duty in a few minutes myself," Hoshi admitted. "But listen, it was really nice talking to you, and… well, don't take this wrong, because it's not what I'm asking, and I know it's just algae no matter where you go, but would you like to have dinner sometime?"
For a moment, Cally stared at him in shock. She was about to make a polite refusal, but then thought about family dinners in the quarters she'd shared with Galen and how those didn't exist anymore, and the loneliness she'd seen in Hoshi's eyes and heard in his voice.
"Yeah," she said finally. "I'd like that a lot."
***
It was late that night when Cally climbed into her rack, twisting around to try to get comfortable. It didn't work. She lay on her back, staring up at the blank ceiling. Last night she'd been drunk and exhausted; she hadn't fallen asleep as much as she'd passed out. But tonight, she hadn't touched a drop, and she was starting to regret it.
Sucicide. Divorce. Cylons. Prisoner. The words didn't seem like they could describe her life at all, only what was happening to someone else. And yet, that's exactly what her life was now- a thwarted suicide, a divorce from a Cylon husband, and a threat of something happening to her or her baby if she told anyone what he was. Cally didn't know what the frak she was supposed to do with this particular hand that the gods had dealt her.
She remembered the priest in her temple, a long time ago, after her little brother died, telling her that the gods never gave anyone more than they could handle. She'd never quite believed that, although she said she did at the time. But ever since the Cylons had come back and the worlds had ended and she had survived, Cally had started to think it was true. Maybe life was hell now, but she was still surviving.
Or maybe that was just the antidepressants talking.
She turned over on her side, staring at the black privacy curtain. She imagined Nicky back in the family quarters, curled up in his crib on his side, snug in his warm feety jammies, his worn blanket clutched firmly in his little fist. The dancing lights would be moving over the walls, soothing him. She could see the picture as clearly as if she was there, and for the first time since she'd left the quarters, she felt some of the heartbreak she'd expected to feel.
But what about Galen? What was he doing? Was he sitting at the table, going over reports? Drinking? Lying on his back and staring at the ceiling? Frakking Tory Foster? Plotting the destruction of the human race? Plugging himself into an electrical outlet and powering up? Cally groaned- that was the last thing she wanted to think about.
She had a feeling sleep wasn't coming tonight. She pulled her blanket up, stared at the ceiling, and listened to herself humming a lullaby.
***
"You okay, Cally?" Dee asked two nights later. "You look…" she hesitated tactfully.
"You look like shit," Racetrack said. "Is Tyrol giving you a hard time?"
"No," Cally said, rubbing her head.
"He is," Danielle contradicted her. "He's working you like crazy."
"No he's not," Cally insisted. "The only way I can sleep at night is if I wear myself out working."
Danielle shook her head, and Racetrack looked like she agreed with Danielle. But Caroline interrupted, sort of changing the subject. "Have you been able to spend time with Nicky at all?"
Cally looked at her glass. "I had lunch with him yesterday," she said. "At his daycare."
"Was it hard?" Caroline asked sympathetically. "To walk away, I mean?"
"No," Cally said honestly. They looked a little shocked, so she fumbled for an explanation. "It's just… however much I hate Galen right now, the only thing I do trust is that he won't hurt Nicky. At least, not intentionally." She rolled her eyes. "Okay, and there's a part of me that's wondering how the hell he's doing without me there."
"He looks like worse shit than you do," Racetrack said, smiling evilly. "It's safe to say he's finding out just how much you did."
Caroline and Danielle laughed, but Dee didn't. Cally was grateful to her, because Dee was getting that none of this was at all that easy. And Dee didn't even know the half of it, unless Lee Adama was one of the final two Cylons. She cleared her throat and changed the subject more thoroughly. "How are things in the CIC?"
Dee gave her one brief wistful smile, and then rolled her eyes. "The saga of Gage continues," she said. The other three groaned, but leaned in eagerly.
"What did the moron do now?" Danielle laughed.
"Wait," Caroline said, "catch Cally up."
"Yes," Dee said. She folded her hands under her chin. "Gage, the asshole from hell, has been being trained in the CIC," Dee explained. "We're short communications officers. And for some reason- maybe because he was drunk when he was going over the list of names- Colonel Tigh decided that someone who sits on the TV and watches the couch is a great candidate for CIC work."
"Wait," Cally said nervously, "our lives are dependant on Gage?"
"Yeah. Whatever Tigh was drinking when he decided on it, I want some." Dee said.
"Maybe it wasn't Tigh," Danielle suggested. "Maybe Gaeta was pissed about being sent off with Starbuck and wanted to get revenge and recommended Gage."
"Maybe Gage is setting Tigh up with sexual favors," Caroline suggested, laughing.
"Maybe Gage is giving Tigh sexual favors," Racetrack topped her.
"Maybe Tigh is a sleeper Cylon agent, and this is the new Cylon plan for destroying humanity," Cally suggested.
The girls dissolved into laughter, Dee eventually having to wipe tears off her cheeks. "Gods, wouldn't that be horrifying?" she said. "If I ever thought Tigh could be a Cylon, I would almost believe that."
Cally's heart sank. This was what she was afraid of. "You don't think Tigh could be a Cylon?" she asked.
Dee waved her hand. "There are five people in this Fleet I am completely convinced can't be Cylons," she said. "The Adamas, because they're related by blood, and Sam Anders, Galen Tyrol, and Saul Tigh."
Caroline nodded concurrence, her face hardening. "If they were Cylons, there is no way they'd be sending suicide bombers after the skinjobs on New Caprica."
"And after what he admitted to at Baltar's trial," Danielle added compassionately.
Cally nodded. "I know," she sighed, and she realized that Tory was right. It wasn't just Adama. No one would believe her about Tyrol and Tigh, and Tory had played a huge role in the Resistance as well.
Well, frak. Cally shook her head, and then forced a smile. "So, what did Gage do today?" she asked, and the mood of the table lightened once again.
***
"So what about you?" Cally asked Hoshi as they ate dinner together for the third time in as many days. "You keep bugging me about Galen, you speculate on the pilots, but you've never told me- do you have a love of your life?" To her surprise, Hoshi actually flushed a bit. "Ooh, there is someone. Spill it, loverboy."
"It's nothing big," Hoshi said, looking down and fiddling with his silverware, like that would hide the feelings that were written across his face. "We've been together about eight months, but…"
"She doesn't mind me eating dinner with you, does she?" Cally asked.
"No, he wouldn't," Hoshi said, smiling. "Felix isn't really the jealous type."
"You're with Gaeta?" Cally asked, a little surprised that Hoshi would be willing to put up with the Baltar obsession that everyone on Galactica had known about. But then, Gaeta had also stabbed Baltar. Guess that obsession was a thing of the past. "I think I heard something about that, now that I think about it."
Hoshi shrugged. "Maybe. Neither of us is exactly comfortable with public affection, or the entire ship talking about us, so we keep it on the down-low. After all, we're not pilots. We don't have to be loud and obnoxious."
Cally laughed. "Guess not." It was funny how much she'd learned about Hoshi in such a short time, although his general contempt for pilots was one of the first things she'd figured out. "So, is it serious?"
Hoshi raised an eyebrow. "That's part of why I don't talk about it much," he admitted. "I'm afraid I'll jinx it or something. I'd like it to be serious."
"But he?"
"Has some… baggage."
"Mmm."
"Including your former husband."
"What?" Cally said. "Galen and Gaeta?"
Hoshi laughed. "No," he said. "No, I'm sorry. Wow, that did come out wrong. You knew about the Circle, right?"
"The Circle?" Cally asked.
Hoshi hesitated. "You didn't know?"
"What Circle?" Cally repeated, her voice hardening.
"It's… I'm not sure…" Hoshi hesitated.
Cally crossed her arms. "You started it," she informed him. "Now spit it out."
Hoshi chewed his lip. "How much do you want to hate your husband?"
"An awful lot," Cally said.
Hoshi stood and picked up his bowl. "Come on," he said. "I'm not telling you in public."
Cally swallowed hard and followed him.
***
"Dee?"
Dee looked up from her hand. "Yeah?"
"Can I ask you something, off the record?"
"Sure." Dee put down the cards and scooted her chair closer. The rec room was crowded, but no one had sat down at their table yet. Cally leaned in and lowered her voice.
"Did you know about this Circle?"
Dee's face gave her the answer before her voice did. Cally saw it in the seriousness of her eyes. She figured Dee would know, either because of Lee Adama or Felix Gaeta, and her instinct had been right.
Dee swallowed. "Is that what you found out about Galen?" she asked. "Because, while I'm not defending it, from what Felix told me, he's the one that let him go."
"No," Cally said. "I… well, it just doesn't surprise me, I guess. Do you… do you know how many people they did kill?"
"I never heard," Dee admitted. "And Lee never told me anything about it- it was all Felix. But it couldn't have been too many, or we would have heard about it."
"I guess," Cally said dubiously. "Who else was in on it? Was Tory? Or Tigh?"
"Not Tory," Dee said softly.
"But-"
"Shh!" Dee hissed. "Don't say it!"
"No one's listening," Cally said, even as she looked around and lowered her voice.
"You never know," Dee said seriously. She chewed her lip. "But Galen… are you…?"
Cally thought about it, and rubbed her forehead with her knuckles. "I don't know what I think," she admitted. "But he let Gaeta go, right?"
"Right."
"And it was right after New Caprica. You didn't see him down there… how angry he was."
"I can imagine," Dee said sympathetically.
"No," Cally retorted. "You can't. You weren't down there."
"No, I wasn't," Dee said calmly, "but I was up on a boat with Lee Adama, who I'm pretty sure was suffering from some sort of clinical depression. I know how it feels to see your partner suffering like that."
"Sorry," Cally said.
"It's all right," Dee said so calmly that Cally wondered how many times she'd had this argument with Gaeta himself. "And you were down there, too." The unspoken question of what would you have done? hung between them, and Cally didn't even want to go there, because she had a damn good idea of the answer.
"Yeah," she said. She swept the cards up with a sigh and began to shuffle. "I think we've got time for one more hand before the others come in."
Dee tossed her hair back over her shoulder and put on a bright smile. "Yeah," she said. "We do."
On to Part 2