Drunk.  Feeling destructive.

I'm trying to resist the urge to unwrap my daughter's ashes.  The couple of tiny rib bones do me in every time.  

Tomorrow I will be sporting (after I finish making it) a sweatshirt reading "Fuck you 2011"

My only worry is that I'll be giving 2011 a few extra hours to throw some new tragedy my way.  Hopefully 2011 will have already had it's fill and will opt to just leave me along.

I anticipate much booze and many tears tomorrow night.

beyond emo right now.  Beyond.

I believe I tempted fate last year when I declared that 2011 could not possibly be as bad as 2010. I won't be making that mistake again this year.

Really, when I look back on the past year, it doesn't seem like it could possibly be real.  It seems like I made up the way shirts stretched over my belly, making me look somehow much more fit than I have ( Read more... )

Sorry to only show up when i have an over the top emo post, but, well, that's what I've got.

I'm so overwhelmingly crushed.  I feel futureless.  When I remember laying in bed talking to my swollen belly I nearly choke on the emotion.  I keep trying to imagine what horrible thing I've done to invite this dreadful karma upon myself.

My doctor called this morning.  We have answers ( Read more... )

I don't really know what else to say.  I have okay days, and I have bad days.  I'm not sure which today is.  It seemed good.  A deep tissue massage to leave me feeling bruised, a bit of quality time with a friend.  I even mustered up the strength to put up Christmas decorations.  But, I'm also completely drunk at 7pm, so who really knows how today ( Read more... )

Yesterday at 2:02 am, I gave birth to my dead baby.

It's an experience no one anywhere, ever should have to experience.

 I read this and cried

Week 7:  Eyelids, and toes form, nose distinct.  The baby is kicking and swimming.

I remember waking up during the 3 o'clock hour this morning, in a rage.  I don't know what the rage was about, but I remember realizing I wasn't just going to happily drift back to sleep, as I did the other many times I woke up throughout the night.  I repositioned myself, getting as comfortable as possible, then lay there seething, glaring in the ( Read more... )