I have shattered myself. watched as I took everything I have suffered to learn and threw it away day after day, day after day, through small actions one after the other sliding deeper and deeper into this mental health hole. I am ashamed. I can not bear the shame. I don't want anyone to look at me. to throw away life like this, when all that matter ( Read more... )

SO I come back after a few years and the French have taken over?

The grass is brown. There. I said it. The first creation after so long. But no one but me will understand the full reverberations of this secret. The poetry of our souls, of mine at least requires that we separate. Irreconcilable differences. It is only in limitation that I understand. We need to be separate. I have made the decision. Now to ( Read more... )

I just don't want to waste anymore time in these episodes of slothful depression.I have to rewire my brain. there has to be something useful I can do no matter how bad I feel.

Layered on top of this tiredness this day has been a beautiful symphony of food and reading and the blue blue sky, the green grassy hill. Sediments of beauty laid down on top of me, beginning to soak in to this cold riverbed.My heart opens as I dance, I feel my heart and I feel joy and happiness and then I feel sad because of the absence of people ( Read more... )

I'm so sad. I'm cold and tired. I felt happy earlier today. I fluctuate between a quiet happiness and hope that seems to draw all its strength from the simple physical fact of being alive, from everything in the outside world. But then I cycle back to this sadness, this feeling of rejection.People I could have been friends with, connected with, but ( Read more... )

The canyon was transcendence. Every step was sacred, every curve,ever shadow and shaft of sunlight. Layers upon layers of faintest light intersecting with shadow and rock. Every hollow in the wall a sacred space. It is beyond me to describe, I have lost even the will to convey it ( Read more... )

Suddenly magically I'm 19 again, thanks to my blessed pimples. It feels good, feeling that I'm 19 again and all those five years as if a strange dream. But yet age creeps into the decisions I make, how much time do I have . This becomes a factor in calculations.

I wonder about the time when water was the only mirror. The dark sun shadow on the rippling water.Or early morning when the water was still and solid. Or in the river flowing and your dark shadow still.

I didn't go bushwalking, instead i spend hours in front of the computer forgetting my dreams. I'm not sure why.