People tell me that they know what's wrong with me and that I can fix it. They tell me I just need to get over it and move on. But what they don't know is that I put on this fake smile day in and day out and it's starting to hurt. I'm expected to be in a good mood, almost always. And the minute I start to withdraw, that's when they tell me to ( Read more... )

I feel so ignored in life right now. I'm getting fucking depressed for no GOD DAMN reason!!!!! I hate myself. Wow...this is really shitty! I can't look at people in the eye cuz it hurts too much and if I don't look them in the eye, then they say I hate them or that I'm mad at them. But if I look them in the eye, then they'll see that I'm ( Read more... )

The more I think about what I'm doing with him...the more I get depressed. I mean, I'm overwhelmed by the fact that he's willing to risk his marriage and everything he holds dear to his heart...just to be with me. But what depresses me is knowing that I'll never have his heart completely...and I know that I should just turn and walk away before I ( Read more... )

When I need someone to talk to about the things that flow through my mind, I can't find anybody who will keep an open mind and give me REAL advice on a way that might help "fix" what ever might be wrong. I'm seeing someone. A person I never thought I'd be dating. He's like an angel that God has put in my life to show me my faults so that I can ( Read more... )

It's been a VERY long time since I've done any kind of writing in here...wow. December 1, 2007? Whoa. A lot has happened...I'll tell ya what. haha Well, on December 15, 2007, Ian and I started dating. If you want details, comment me with a place I can message you privately. Anyways, obviously it is now May 17 which means we've been together ( Read more... )

I had a REAL good cry Thanksgiving night. I was driving from Telephone Rd to Las Posas Rd trying not to cry, but it was just too intense. I pulled into the Target parking lot (right there off Las Posas) and parked my car. I sat in my car for at least 10 minutes just bawling my eyes out. It was uncontrollable. I haven't cried like that in years ( Read more... )

I have yet to cry over my boys leaving since I've gotten back in to the states. It's probably because I've been avoiding it. I don't want to come to terms with the reality of my boys not living here anymore. I talked to Dr. Jones yesterday, after not having seen her for about a month. I almost started crying there when I was telling her about ( Read more... )

My parents kicked me out of the house. Well, kind of. One of the two choices they gave me was to move out and so I did. But I have no where to go. Last time I talked to my parents was on Tuesday, August 7th. *sigh* It's now Friday, August 10th. But what makes me the most sad is that they made me feel like they turned their backs on me...that ( Read more... )

Being adopted is like being found in a blck garbage bag in the dumpster.

I went to my therapy appointment on Tuesday. I started in with the issue of Dazzle and how she disappeared for 2 weeks without telling us and how that made me feel. Then we segued into Brandi moving to SD and how she asked if I could pick up John in Moorpark and how I flat out told her no because I don't like him. haha And then we started talking ( Read more... )