Pulsatilla | Chapter 17/23 [Part One]

[love_cassiopeia]

Pulsatilla
Author: love_cassiopeia
Summary: A complete mess was what Jung Yunho became after his beloved wife’s death. Trapped in a permanent state of isolation and loneliness, Yunho summons his knowledge on biology in hopes of recreating his wife in the form of an artificial human. However, the experiment goes terribly wrong and instead creates a male who has all his wife’s looks and qualities, one who he eventually decides to name ‘Jaejoong.’ Coping with the idyllic memories Jaejoong brings back of his wife, Yunho tries his best not to fall in love with his creation, knowing that the love he brings along is not the real thing-or is it?
Rated: PG-13 - NC-17
Warning(s): NC-17 material, language
Genre: Romance/Angst
Pairing(s): YunJae
Chapter 17: Vagues d'océan (Part One)

Definition: The Pulsatilla is a deciduous perennial flower native to Europe and Asia that grows in the leftover nutrients of a dead plant. It is usually grown to replace another plant. It is capable of curing diseases and may be used in remedies.

[Please leave your comments on part 2 of the chapter. I've disabled the comments on part 1]





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V a g u e s   d ' o c é a n

The date was September 18th: rainy-predictable, because of the sudden season change. Although the sun had refused show itself, the air was filled with a refreshing chill that made Yunho feel at instant ease. There was no thunder or lightening in the sky, and the rain was only a drizzle, sent from the heavens to nourish the flowers and trees. As he looked up at the gray sky, Yunho felt dismayed that he was not looking up at a clear sky void of clouds. Nevertheless, he was overcome with a mellow happiness as he stared pensively at the sluggish rain clouds. And within no time at all, he could understand that no, everything was not as heavenly and auspicious as it used to be, but yes, things were definitely recovering and taking a turn from the hell he was tossed into.

Fortunately, the three weeks of caging himself up within the government facility had come to a favourable halt. Although every moment of it seemed like sheer torture, Yunho learned to live through it by visiting Jaejoong occasionally on a daily basis. Even though inside, he still felt like a captive locked up for his own crimes, Yunho learned to find even the smallest amount of happiness within Jaejoong’s reassuring words. Although Yunho did most of the talking whilst the two of them were together and Jaejoong only lied there, motionless ninety percent of the time, Yunho summoned up all the power he had to find an unwavering peace within those moments. He had no idea why he was choosing to cherish every moment he had with Jaejoong, but a reminder in the back of his mind told him that he ought to live every moment as if time was quickly running out.

Surely the concepts of love and happiness didn’t just end with finding the correct moments and cherishing them until life itself ran out. Love and happiness only existed if pain and anger existed as well. The love he once shared with Jaejoong was a shallow love that was fragile and brittle which held nothing that could change the course of it dramatically. And it was that same, shallow love which brought Yunho to hold his career closer to his heart than he did Seulki, which eventually aroused her demise. With this whole ordeal he had endured with Jaejoong, Yunho knew fate was offering him a second chance-this time to build a strong, lasting, genuine relationship.

September 18th was undoubtedly a day to be on top of cloud nine. Despite his desires to leave the company once and for all and not have a single thing to do with Lee JoongYoung ever again, Yunho came face to face with a dilemma he was unable to quell. The government facility informed him that he could only have Jaejoong back if he were to continue working for the company. Sighing heavily and realizing there was nothing else in the world more suitable for him to do, Yunho agreed to the request but promised himself never to put work ahead of Jaejoong. If he hadn’t been forced back into his old job, he would’ve opened up a grocery store where he would stock thousands of items Jaejoong wanted to buy for his cooking-or, if Jaejoong was up for it, he would open up a restaurant with him, bringing in customers like Changmin who wanted a hearty meal but didn’t have a wife to manage it. Even though the amount of money would be a lot less that what he was earning now, Yunho knew the two of them would be able to live blissfully without all the other complications.

In the end, money was never the problem. Although Yunho had tough time understanding that in his marriage with Seulki, he finally began to learn of it as Jaejoong came along. Surely a grand, opulent, commodious home is craved by everyone, but a relationship built with someone is certainly a tenfold more valuable than something so superficial and materialistic. Now, realizing the specific mistakes he had made and drawing conclusions to the myriad of reasons, Yunho finally understood how to truly love a person and to gain their trust and faith in return.

The morning of September 18th: Jaejoong was fully dressed in a set of clothes Yunho had asked Changmin to fetch from the penthouse. After all the tests were brought to a end, Jaejoong exited the large room where he had been in for three entire weeks and walked down to the lobby where Yunho stood with open arms, welcoming his embrace. The two of them stayed in the embrace for what seemed like hours, just trying to reunite each other with the familiar scent on each other’s necks and feeling the familiar muscles on each other’s bodies. The embrace didn’t go further than that, for Yunho was inevitably aware of Jaejoong’s unstable condition and was unwilling to try anything that looked perhaps a bit too amorous. Besides, staying like that, within each other’s arms, not saying a single word to each other because their hearts have said it all-it was the best feeling in the world for Yunho after staying in the dark for so long.

After signing some forms and attending a small meeting with SangHyuk and HyeSung, Yunho brought Jaejoong out of the skyscraper into the fresh air of metropolitan Seoul. Being outdoor for the first time in weeks worked wonders on Jaejoong. Since the season was rapidly changing from summer to autumn, the green leaves of the deciduous trees which seemed to be so invulnerable once upon a time began to change into shades of scarlet, gold, and even a depressing brown. The wind was blowing more fiercely than ever, adding a chill into the refreshing air Jaejoong breathed. In spite of the bitter winter that was on the way to the city, Jaejoong knew there was a certain charm to seeing something change so drastically and then ultimately, being wiped off the earth by a merciless snow storm. Holding Yunho’s hand firmly in his, Jaejoong felt relieved that he had something (or in this case, someone) to rely on when rain or snow fell.

Not saying much to one another, Yunho led Jaejoong to his black sedan, parked somewhere along the curb of the government facility. Like a gentleman, Yunho opened the car door for Jaejoong placidly, telling him to reacquaint himself with the unforgettable surroundings. Being in the passenger’s seat of Yunho’s small yet lavish sedan made Jaejoong remember the night he had lost his virginity to the man he had met at the nightclub. The vehicle had been filled with a deafening silence that night, just as it did today. Although the two had thousands of things to say to one another, they left the words in their minds and mused over the previous occurrences in the government facility subconsciously, unwilling to bring such a onerous topic into discussion. Even though the twosome were obligated to forget such inhumane thoughts, it was utterly impossible not to recall the fact that they had been through such a horrendous calamity. It felt nearly like a replay of the night Yunho had left Jaejoong at the nightclub. The scientist was once again, rescuing his creation from the turmoil he himself had originally created. It felt like guilt him, knowing that it wasn't Jaejoong's intention of embroiling himself within any type of danger at all. In fact, every single thing was brought out by him-scratch that-by his selfish, imprudent, burdensome desires. Jaejoong had nothing on his mind of inflicting any harm on anyone. His only motive was to love.

Yes, guilt is something which one is just unable to escape from, and it is undoubtedly something that continuously replays itself no matter how one strives to avert from it. Nothing felt worse for Yunho than having to live on with himself knowing that he had inflicted such scars on the one person who had bothered to put up with him. His arrogance, his one-track mind-he needed to dispose of them all. He didn't need anything else to keep him weighed down when all he wanted was to spread his wings and fly in the sky with Jaejoong.

However, if he were to revisit the day in the hospital room where Jaejoong woke up after days of being sound asleep, he would be able to find his hope. Yunho began to recall the fact that the two of them had made a faint vow to each other of forgiveness that night. Although Jaejoong was half-awake at the time and possessed nothing more than a few words he was able to squeeze out, Yunho was overjoyed to hear such an amazing statement. Despite whether the conversation lasted long or not, Yunho held the moment within his mind for each waking second of each passing day. He knew that there must've been gravity and truth within Jaejoong's words, for he wouldn't have tried so hard to say them if it was something insignificant. Even though it was relatively simple to compel himself into admitting that the past was the past, and that the present is where he would have to summon all his strength to polish, he had a faint-if not, evident-warning in the back of his mind that told him the past affected every single thing he would do in the days that were to come. It seemed almost like an entire game for Yunho: two sides pulling at him continuously and asking him the same, irksome questions he would rather live without. Every single choice was placed with the benefits and consequences which seemed to put the scale at a standstill.

He considered that perhaps speaking to Jaejoong would rescue him from such murky sets of decision-making and doubt. But alas, the boy wasn't saying a single word and was abstrusely ignoring every opportunity he had to talk. There was no sound in the vehicle but the sound of the tires rolling against the concrete road, and Yunho thought about turning on the radio and filling up the car with a variety of songs.

Still, having bubbly K-pop songs penetrate their ears didn't exactly fit their mood at the moment. Even if it really was intended to save the two of them from the sorrow and depression being held tightly in their soiled souls, Yunho still felt that he could come off as unreasonably officious and ignorant-perhaps, looking as if was forgetting the matters of the previous weeks too quickly.

But there was no consequence to trying to brighten things up, was there?

“Jaejoong...” His voice was coarse as he spoke, so he cleared his throat rapidly in hopes of making himself sound more confident than he really was. “What's on your mind?” He asked curiously. “If you have anything to say to me, go ahead and say it.”

Yunho was certain he had made the wrong move, because Jaejoong remained silent, unable to say a single world to respond to his question.  Yunho pondered over the fact that perhaps Jaejoong was still holding a major grudge against him (after all, he was the one who had to go through the experiments and tests, not Yunho). He knew Jaejoong had all the right to be mad, for if Yunho was in his place, then he would most definitely be, too. But it was hurting him-the silence, the unanswered questions, the apathy.

“Jaejoong... Are you listening to me?”

The fair-skinned boy heaved a weary sigh. “Yes.”

Well, why don't you answer my question? Yunho wanted to declare, demanding Jaejoong for yet another answer. The two of them had gotten to know each other extremely well, so why was it that they could not ignite a conversation with each other? Jaejoong was a very vocal person-at least, in the past. It was more than depressing, having to see such a part of him vanish into thin air, almost as if going through the experimenting process completely stole it away from him. Communication, which was once a crucial part of their daily lives, now felt lost to them.

If Jaejoong was willing to lose it, Yunho wouldn't care less. He just had to make sure he himself would not fall to his guilt and lose the one thing which they had held so closely to each other before. If he was unable to retrieve any attainable responses from Jaejoong-fine, he'll try again. Even if it made him sound extremely garrulous and arrogant, Yunho continued to talk, hoping that by at least trying to break through Jaejoong's shell, he would bring him back into the relationship they once staged.

“It's beautiful, isn't it?” He asked, leaving one hand on the steering wheel and using another to roll down the windows. “Isn't it nice? The autumn scenery? What a drastic change from the same old, green leaves, eh?”

In spite of whether Jaejoong was willing to reply or not, Yunho was more than contended to see a weak smile brighten up Jaejoong's striking features. Even though a smile was a small action often forced or faked, Yunho knew this one was real, and had a profound meaning behind it.

Seeing this one simple smile, Yunho gave way to more phrases like the previous one, using subjects such as the weather, scenery, or songs on the radio which he only recently turned on as the core. He had no intention of bringing Jaejoong's thoughts back to the stuffy facility or to the fight which had begun all of their troubles. Even if Jaejoong only smiled in return and didn't make even a single remark, Yunho was glad that at least he was starting to recover. Besides, living life was always taking one step at a time, was it not?

“Jaejoong-ah, is there anywhere you would like to go?” Yunho asked, having run out of light topics such as the weather to talk about. “I really think I should treat you to something special-whatever you want. I feel so damn guilty for everything.”

Lucidly, after hearing such a statement, Jaejoong replied, but certainly not with a smile on his face. “Listen, Yunho...”

“Yes?” The answer came literally a nanosecond after the question.

“Don't try to make it up to me by telling me that you were wrong and by offering to take me wherever I want. You did what you did, and there's nothing in the world that can possibly change that.” Jaejoong's voice was mostly monotone, but Yunho could hear a few hints of aggravation within it. “The two of us went through this entire ordeal for a reason.”

Yunho was staggered that such a simple question would bring Jaejoong to say so many barely comprehensible words. “What do you mean?”

“I mean the two of us aren't meant to be together, Yunho.” Jaejoong stated dryly. “I don't belong to you, and neither do you belong to me, even if I desperately want to have you and crave to have you gain ownership over me. The us three weeks ago... we ignored such a fact entirely.”

Jaejoong words were like bullets, and Yunho nearly forgot to stop at a red light and had to back up his car so it was situated behind the limit line.

“Jaejoong-ah, why are you saying all of this-excuse me, all of this nonsense?” Yunho laughed, trying to stick to his plan of brightening up the mood which to his dismay, Jaejoong was trying to eradicate. “The two of us have a bond, why do you have to ignore it?”

“Because we ignore all the problems that come along!” Jaejoong was serious now, for his voice was now thick and filled with concern-almost like the voice on the day the two of them argued over the blind date, although, not quite so severe.

Yunho rolled his eyes, abandoning his plan. “Have I really ignored all of this? Did I ignore you when you were sent to that awful place and forced to stay there for weeks? Did I leave you in that room to rot by yourself while I continued my life indifferently, going on five blind dates a day?” He was furious-but no, his motive was not to make Jaejoong angry in return. “I'll tell you what I did do, Jaejoong. I stayed by your side night after night and helped those bastards who founded your experiment just because they told me I could have you back! And did I mention I lost hours-no days of sleep? Heck, I lost sleep just because I wanted to watch you sleep. Now tell me, did the two of us really decide to 'ignore' this entire problem?”

The vapid frown on Jaejoong's lips was soon (to Yunho's preference) abolished and replaced with a sudden burst of emotion. Although if Yunho had the chance to choose, he wouldn't have disclosed the information in fear that it would put a heavy burden upon Jaejoong's shoulders. If that was the trigger which sent Jaejoong into absolute guilt and aggravation, then no, he would not have said a single word in hopes of providing a shrewd opponent to Jaejoong's accusation earlier. But as usual, what Yunho thought was wise to do was miles far from being wise.

“I'm sorry. It's all my fault. Blame me.” Jaejoong obstinately stated, knowing he would have to say it sooner or later. But the tone in his voice was something Yunho could not tolerate to hear-for it sounded as if the apology was forced upon him rather than something he actually meant.

Yunho decided anger and force was the only way to remove Jaejoong's mind from such a revolting place. “Oh Jaejoong, I'm so sick and tired of this!” He knew his intention wasn't to initiate a conflict with Jaejoong-it was more like hoping to knock some sense into his mind. “I'm tired of hearing you say that you're sorry, acting as if it hurts you being in this relationship with me. Wasn't it you who suggested that the two of us should forget everything and start anew? What happened to that part of you, huh? Why can't you just leave the past in the past, put a smile on, and live your life to the fullest?”

Despite whether or not Yunho's words were intended to make him angry or not, Jaejoong was filled to the rim with an uncontrollable animosity that couldn't seem to subside no matter how hard he tried to eradicate it.

“Who do you expect me to be, Yunho?” He asked petulantly. “You have so many expectations for me-so many rules that I can't come close to breaking!” Jaejoong sighed and tried to compose himself, but was not the least bit successful. “What do you want from me, Yunho?”

“I want you answer my question!”

Yunho's statement was confident and filled with emotion-a sign that he was absolutely serious. Jaejoong looked blankly at his partner, awed by how commanding he was being when most of the time, Yunho looked rather brittle. However, there was one thing Jaejoong understood perfectly about Yunho-if he was asking a question, he would at all costs not let his question go ignored.

“You want to ask me if I want to go anywhere? Well, I want to go to the beach-the ocean.” Jaejoong declared, knowing he could no longer keep Yunho waiting anymore. “Perhaps seeing the ocean will remind me what life means. Maybe it will push all the other unneeded turmoil away from my head.” He didn't know if the ocean was actually capable of doing such an impossible thing, but he understood without a doubt that Yunho would do all in his power to meet his requests.

Surprisingly, after Jaejoong's definite, concrete statement, a wide smile reappeared on Yunho's face, baffling Jaejoong.

“Good.” He replied, the tone of his voice solid. “That's all I needed from you. We shall go there tonight then, is that all right?”

Jaejoong was bewildered that Yunho had not put any attention into his condition and had not allocated a few days for his recovery. It didn't come off as if he didn't care or anything, for it seemed as if Yunho was striving to release Jaejoong from his shell and instead, trying to bring back the meaning of life to his weary body.

Regardless of the tension that still loitered between the two, Jaejoong was able to finally see past everything to the radiance of Yunho's golden, striking smile. His perfect pair of teeth added together with the impeccable skin which wrinkled slightly when the smile was produced-it made Jaejoong want to smile in return.

And so he did, although... the smile was not nearly as wide and enthusiastic as that of his partner's. But he knew that with this first step, many other steps would follow, and eventually he would be reunited with the happiness he once knew yet again.

“Sounds great.” Jaejoong replied-perhaps in the loudest volume his voice had produced all day.
Onto Part 2

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