new voice?
Name/Pseudonym: m.a.
Critiquing skills
Choose one piece of work from the application of an accepted member or mod and give constructive feedback on it. You may find the 'accepted' tag on the right-hand side of the community page helpful. Let us know which piece you're critiquing.
Alright, I'm using, this guy's poem http://community.livejournal.com/loveletters_v1/44030.html?#cutid1 called again n' again.
So, I guess to begin again n' again i can't seem to stress how much poems like these don't neeeeeeeeeed to exist in the world sir! you often as a writer will sit down and pump out these little numbers, but you have to realize that they are composed entirely of untranslatable emotion. you have expressed something yourself but it does not stir anything in anyone else, give this to a few people to read and i'm sure they will give you the polite gentle response, but as a writer you know what polite gentle responses are all about.
now there is nothing wrong with you as a writer, it's just you got caught up in a lil' incident here, but you managed to string words together already, which is only half the battle, the rest is puttin' em in the right order, and you can work on that here.
Writing sample
Post 1-5 samples of your writing, up to 2000 words. These can be an extract from a novel, short stories, poems, factual pieces, essays, lyrics...anything you like. If it's an extract, let us know the title of the piece, a brief synopsis, and which part of the piece the extract is taken from
okee dokey, don't really know what you want to hear so, here!
i had a gameboy when i was twelve that one day vanished off the face of my young earth. when i was about sixteen & my earth had become a bit more filled in, i discovered that it didn't just get up & walk away (as at the time, i had no time but to assume so.) but it was sold, pawned, by my older brother during a horrid addiction he faced! i am now eighteen & to this day he has yet to fess up to me about it, as i didn't find out from him & he is oblivious that i know. i can sometimes see the missing gameboy when i look at him, truth be told i wasn't ever mad, about the gameboy, not even when i was young, materialistic. i am not even looking for an apology when i look at him, gameboy in translucent upon his face, i just wish he could be free of the guilt. he looks guilty sort of when he talks, he mostly explains to me, as i mostly feed him questions, i could listen to him all day. nil-philosphical, i suppose his only philosophy in life could be 'balls deep'. he places his curse words so precisely it's almost eloquent to watch! as i sit there & listen to him talk right now "it's a fuck-ing fan-tastic game man, you've gotta come over n' try'er out! you play online with like three hundred other mother fuckers in one game, it's mass chaos, carna-"
"-Jonah, I would have stolen your gameboy too man, don't worry about it." I was thinking about it so hard that it just slipped out! But I honestly have gotta say the look on his face was worth him stealin' the damn thing in the first place.