A man dies and finds himself carried to the gates of Heaven.  St. Peter welcomes him in ( Read more... )

I bet it's really embarrassing to die choking on placenta.

A woman named Margaret is working at her computer when her cat jumps up on her desk.  The cat has bright white fur and vivid blue eyes.  The woman looks at it and playfully says, "Meow!"  The cat stares back and says in a man's deep voice, "Margaret, I am Jesus Christ, the son of God ( Read more... )

-What's green and has ribs? A skeleton made of celery.

-A polar bear wearing a ushanka walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender says, "Lemme guess, a White Russian?" The bear turns his head slowly 360 degrees and growls, "Blaaaaaaack Russiaaaaan."

-A man sits down at a restaurant and the waiter brings him a glass of water. He's about to take a ( Read more... )

-So there I was in the liquor store, drunks stumbling in and out, making the bells on the door jingle and jingle.  I scanned the refrigerators full of beer and the coolers full of wine that lined the walls.  They all looked refreshing.  Then suddenly I had a thought as I turned toward the register and caught a glimpse of the soda case.  "Hey," I ( Read more... )

I keep starting new books even though there are so many I've left unfinished.

If you ask me where my home is, I might tell you Sacramento, I might tell you California, I might tell you nowhere or everywhere.  It depends on a lot of things.  Right now it's Sacramento because I'm about to fall asleep here, and there are no mosquitoes in my bedroom sucking the blood from my feet.  Cats shedding, plants growing, all the ( Read more... )

Somewhere out there, lurking in the shadows, maybe closer than you think...is Justin Bieber's BIGGEST fan.

are alike in the following ways:

1.) Delicious with meatloaf.
2.) Pair well with a bottle of Bodegas Juan Gil Monastrell 2009.
3.) Delicious with Meatloaf.
4.) Kind of the same color if you squint.
5.) Frequently sold in plastic squeeze bottles.
6.) Frequently sprinkled atop salads as an attractive garnish.

1 pillow + 1 electric blanket = a comfortable night

1 electric blanket + 1 internet = a nice afternoon

1 pillow + 1 internet = a college dorm room

1 pillow + 1 electric blanket + 1 internet = almost a whole person*

*almost here is used in the sense of "almost enough toilet paper," or "I can almost get to sleep."