The Love That Remains - Chapter 4/22
Jared had never experienced grieving before, but this is what it feels like at the moment. It has been a week since he came back from the camp, and he misses Jack like a limb. He was half hoping everything would go away when he got home, that he wasn’t gonna think about Jack anymore, that it was just some weird thing his crazy mind came up with because he was away from home for a whole month. But of course, that wasn’t the case. Ever since he left the camp, left Jack, he’s the only thing on his mind. He was there when his mom and dad were waiting for him at the bus station, he was there when he got home, he is there when he wakes up, he’s the last thing he thinks about when he goes to sleep.
The first night back at home from the camp, Jared picked up the booklet from his suitcase and ripped off the page with his picture with Jack, alongside his note to Jared, and put it in the middle of his notebook. He was sure his family would want to see the pictures, but he didn’t want to share Jack, neither did he want anyone asking who was him or mentioning his little note. He wanted to keep Jack to himself, so he decided to hide that page where only he could see it. He found a shoe box and placed the notebook inside it, alongside with Jack’s shirt. He hid the box in a corner of his closet, under a pile of his stuff. He didn’t wanna risk his mother finding it while cleaning his room. He’d have to dig deep every time he wanted to write on his notebook, but it was better to be safe than sorry. The only thing he displayed in his room was the dreamcatcher. He didn’t have to explain to anyone the meaning behind it, so he hung it above his bed. Coincidence or not, Jack has been in his dreams every night, ever since.
Jared wishes he could see Jack again, more than anything. After spending a whole month seeing him everyday, he doesn’t know how to cope with not seeing him at all anymore. And he still doesn’t fully understand what he’s feeling. He knows it’s not normal, how much he thinks about a boy. He should be starting to notice girls, just like Chad and the other boys at the camp, but instead he’s obsessed over a boy. All Jared knows is that he needs to talk to someone about that, otherwise he’s gonna lose his mind.
That’s why he finds himself knocking on his brother’s door one night, when there’s only the two of them in the house.
“Hey, Jeff!”
Jeff looks up from the comic he’s reading and motions for his brother to come inside.
“Hey Jare, what’s up?”
Jared sits on the edge of Jeff’s bed and picks at a loose thread on his pants. He can feel his cheeks reddening and he forces his eyes to look up and at his brother, who’s waiting for him to speak.
“I… I wanted to ask you something.” When Jeff just raises his eyebrows, he takes a deep breath and goes on.
“Is it okay to… you know… if a boy likes another boy, instead of a girl? Is it okay?”
Jared is barely finished with his question when his brother harshly closes his comic book and is right up at his face.
“What are you talking about Jared??”
Jared’s eyes go wide and he instinctively backs down.
“Nothing, I just--I…” But his brother doesn’t let him finish.
“Are you trying to tell me you like boys?? Please Jared don’t tell me this is what you’re telling me, I can’t stand to have a freak for a brother!”
Jared feels like his heart is going to jump out of his chest, Jeff’s words catching him by surprise as he tries to find something to say to get out of this.
“No Jeff, it’s not me, it’s--a friend who told me this and, and I wanted to ask you if this is okay, that’s all, I promise!”
Jeff backs down a fraction and narrows his eyes at Jared. “Well, it’s not normal, it’s not okay. Boys can only like girls and girls can only like boys, it’s what God says. Everything else is wrong, it’s sinful, it’s going against what God taught us, and if this friend of yours really feels… that, then he’s a sinner and a freak, and you should get the hell away from him, Jared. And I mean it.”
Jared doesn’t know what to answer, he can feel the sting of tears burning behind his eyes, so he murmurs a ‘thanks Jeff, bye’ and runs to his own room, closing the door firmly behind him. Tears are running freely down his flushed face, his brother’s words echoing in his head. He digs up to find his notebook and gets under the covers, not even bothering to change into his pajamas.
August 8th, 1994
I just found out I’m a freak, and Jeff is probably right. I keep thinking about him and it’s WRONG, IT’S WRONG. Boys just CAN’T like other boys, it’s not okay, and I need to STOP thinking about him but I don’t know if I can. What’s wrong with my head???
Jared barely gets any sleep that night. He cries into his pillow until there are no more tears to fall. The word freak keeps flashing in his mind like a neon sign, that’s what he is. He tries to force his mind to stop thinking about Jack, but the more he tries, the more Jack is there, a constant presence in his conscience. At the same time he tries to force thoughts of Jack away, but he wants nothing more than to see him again.
Jared’s classes start a few weeks after returning from the camp, he’s starting middle school and if he was looking forward to it before, now he just doesn’t care. He can’t forget his brother’s words, Jeff called him a freak, and that’s what Jared is. He’s more convinced than ever. But he’s decided to try and forget about Jack, or at least not think about him as much. He’s pretty sure it’s just a kid thing, that’s all. Jack was cool and popular, everyone liked him, so Jared is sure he was impressed, that had to be it. Now, he will be starting a new school, he will make new friends and meet girls, and hopefully one of them will catch his attention and he will completely get over Jack.
When Jared enters his classroom on his first day, he freezes when someone calls his name.
“J.T.!”
He turns towards the voice and meets no other than Chad, sitting in the back of the room and waving at him. Surprised, Jared walks towards him and sits down.
“Hey Chad!” Jared smiles as he greets his friend. “It’s nice to see you man, I didn’t know you were going to this school!”
Chad smiles back at him. “Yeah dude, as I told you at the camp, I just moved to Austin with my folks last spring and they got good recommendations about this school, so… here I am. And I’m glad we’re in the same class, you should have known you wouldn’t get rid of me that easily!”
Jared is happy to know Chad will be attending the same school as him. He had missed his friend, they had exchanged phone numbers but had only talked once ever since returning home, making plans to meet soon. Chad didn’t live too far from him, and Jared’s mom had promised she would talk to Chad’s mom to set up a date so he could visit. And now they will be seeing each other everyday, which is very cool. But at the same time, a longing takes over him, seeing Chad again brought back all the memories from the days at the camp, and he feels a pang of sadness. He tries not to show it to his friend though, because he is genuinely happy to know they will be school buds.
Jared makes a decision then, he isn’t telling his friend about his feelings for Jack or the fact that he apparently likes boys, he isn’t prepared to share this to anyone now or maybe ever, and he’s worried Chad will think he’s a freak as well. But he decides he is already hiding a lot about himself, so he has a small request for Chad.
“You can call me Jared.”
The year passes by, and Jared doesn’t even register most of it. The faint hope he had that he would surely get over Jack by the time he started middle school and meet new people doesn’t exist anymore.
He tried, he really did. He tried paying attention to the girls in his class, he became friends with some of them in the hope that at least one would catch his attention, that one would make him forget Jack and that he would stop being a freak.
That didn’t happen. The more he tried, the more Jack was there, permanently etched in his mind, visiting his dreams every night. There wasn’t a single day that Jared didn’t think of Jack, he would often dig out the shoe box to write on his notebook, and to look at his face in the single picture he had of him. Sometimes at night, he would spend hours looking at it, lost in his thoughts. Other times he would take Jack’s shirt and bring it close to his face, so he could smell him, his scent somehow would bring Jared closer to him. He knew it was wrong, of course, he knew he was a freak of nature but he couldn’t help it. It was as if Jack had become a part of him.
He didn’t tell anyone about it, not even Chad, who soon became his best friend. He couldn’t stand the idea of Chad abandoning him, calling him the freak he was, and he couldn’t tell his parents either, he was sure they would hate him. So Jared buried those feelings for Jack deep inside of him, in a place only he could reach and nobody could take Jack away from him. Even being so wrong, thinking of Jack was Jared’s happy place.
June 30th, 1995
Tomorrow I’m going back to the camp! I can’t believe it’s finally here, I counted the days ever since I came back home, to the day I would go back and see Jack again. I can’t wait to see him again, I wonder if he will remember me. And if his hair is still blue.
The night before leaving for the camp, Jared can’t fall asleep. He’s too anxious, he’s going to see Jack tomorrow, he has to, there’s no other possibility, Jack will be there, after all this time, and they are going to spend another summer together. Even if Jack doesn’t remember him, he’s gonna introduce himself again, they are going to be friends, and Jared wishes he was brave enough to tell Jack his feelings. But he knows he can’t do it, Jack will probably call him a freak and mock him. He’s just happy he gets to see Jack again, that will be enough.
Chad will be going too, and Jared is more than happy to have his friend with him at the camp. He’s sleeping over at Jared’s so his mom will drive both of them to the camp in the morning. It took a lot of effort to convince their mothers, but they finally caved. Chad is out cold on the mattress by Jared’s bed, but Jared himself stays up for a long time, the only thought in his mind being the fact that he will see that blue hair again after so long.
During the whole bus ride to the camp, Jared is anxious. He is getting there soon, he is going to see Jack soon. Chad asks what’s up with him, but Jared brushes him off, telling he’s just excited about going back to the camp.
When they arrive, there aren’t many people there, like last year they were one of the first buses to arrive, and Jared remembers Jack’s was probably the last, so he has to wait. He can barely focus when the counselors tell them which cabin they are in, or when they go to said cabin and have to choose a bed. Chad and him are put in the same cabin as last year, and they pick the same beds. Jared climbs on his, and looks outside the small window. There are more buses arriving, but no sign of Jack. But it’s okay, there’s still time.
They spend the afternoon unpacking and walking around the camp since there’s nothing planned as they wait for everyone to arrive. Jared’s gaze keeps traveling to the place where the buses and cars arrive, but Jack hasn’t come yet.
Before dinner, when everyone is in the cabin showering, Jared is the first one to get ready and he stays in his bed looking outside the window. More buses arrive, and he waits expectantly, watching everyone that climbs out of them, but so far, no sign of Jack. Jared grows impatient, maybe Jack has already arrived and he missed it, and he’s sure there are more buses coming.
By the time they are supposed to go to the cafeteria for dinner, Jared is more than a little anxious. He’s counting on spotting Jack there, by now everyone must have arrived already, so he’s sure he is going to be there.
The first dinner is a chaos as usual, everyone trying to catch up with their friends. Jared does his best to look around the place, see if he can spot blue hair somewhere, but he has no such luck. Maybe Jack’s hair isn’t blue anymore and he can’t find him because of it. Maybe he’ll be able to look better at the night activity, when the counselors separate the teams.
After everyone has finished dinner, Sam grabs the mic and gives the usual greetings, Jared is too distracted to listen, still trying to locate Jack. Only when everyone starts getting up and Chad tells him they are supposed to go grab their flashlights and head to the field, does Jared notice Sam has stopped talking.
As they arrive at the field, a random counselor explains again that they will be divided in ten teams, but again Jared isn’t listening, too focused on looking at everyone in the hope he can finally locate Jack. He’s starting to get a little desperate, he was supposed to have found him by now.
He vaguely registers Andrew, his new counselor, sending him to team 8, and he quickly gets up and walks to where someone’s holding a big sign with an ‘8’ on it. He sits down with the people there, but quickly realizes Jack isn’t among them. Disappointment quickly builds inside of him, he needs to find Jack soon.
The people in their team are making small talk as they wait for everyone to join them, and Jared recognizes the older guy sitting next to him as one of Jack’s friends from last year. Jared is desperate by now, so he turns to the guy.
“Hey! I guess our team will do really good this year, don’t you?”
The guy Jared doesn’t know the name smiles at him. “Yeah dude, there are some good people here, we have a good shot… have you been to the camp before?”
“Yeah, this is my second year here… I was in the winning team last year with Jack… he was your buddy right? I haven’t see him here yet…”
Jared can feel his heart pounding in his ears and holds his breath in expectation, waiting for the guy to give him a clue to where Jack is.
But everything comes crashing down on him when the guy answers.
“Yeah man, Jack is my buddy, unfortunately he couldn’t come this year, I’m not sure why though… it’s really a loss, I’m gonna miss him for sure.”
Suddenly everything is spinning around Jared, there’s a buzzing in his ears and he takes a few deep breaths because he’s sure he will be sick. Nothing matters anymore because there’s only one thing going over and over in his mind.
Jack isn’t here.
The whole year, everyday, every minute, Jared has waited for the day he would come back to this place and see Jack again, but he isn’t here.
He tries to play cool, he doesn’t want to drag attention to himself, but suddenly he feels nauseated, uncomfortable in his own skin. He doesn’t know what to do, he wants to leave, go anywhere else but here, there’s nothing to do here if Jack didn’t come, nothing makes sense here without Jack and Jared just wants to leave.
After that, everything passes in a blur. The team’s name is picked, the activity is explained and they are sent on their hunt. Jared just follows behind, dragging his feet. His mind goes back to that first night activity where he helped his team - and Jack - find the last indian and win the thing.
They don’t win the game this time, but Jared couldn’t care less. He goes along with everyone to get the snack at the cafeteria before going to bed, and when Chad joins him telling excitedly how their team won, Jared tries to smile at his friend, but he isn’t sure Chad buys it. He just feels numb.
Jared is the first to get to the cabin, and after quickly changing into his pajamas and brushing his teeth, he climbs into his bed with his notebook, pen and flashlight, and hides under the covers.
July 1st, 1995
Jack isn’t here. I was so sure he would be. I want to go home, I don’t want to stay here without him. But I don’t think they would let me leave if I’m not sick or anything, and I don’t know how I could explain to mom and dad that I wanted to leave right after getting here, specially after talking all year long about this damn camp.
Maybe it’s Heaven punishing me for being a freak. And now I have to suck it up and stay here without him. It’s just that nothing makes sense here without Jack and I wish I could just leave.
Jared stays awake for a long time, mostly looking outside the window, as if waiting for Jack to magically appear out there during the night. But he never does. When he finally falls asleep, his pillow is wet with his silent tears.
The days pass by, and Jared does everything he’s supposed to do. He participates on the activities, he talks to his cabinmates, makes some friends and plays games. But all the time, it feels like something huge is missing. The camp is exactly the same as it was last year, but to Jared, it couldn’t be more different. Without Jack here, it’s like things aren’t colorful anymore, everything is duller. He puts on a mask and tries to act like everything is fine and he’s having the time of his life, but he just feels empty. He had missed Jack so much back home, but being here, in the very place he met him, it’s almost unbearable. He’s counting the days until he can finally leave and never come back here again.
He doesn’t watch the stars this time.
It’s afternoon and they don’t have anything planned, so Jared wanders alone for a while and ends up sitting down by the lake. There’s nobody around and he’s grateful for that. He places his hands behind him and looks up to the sky. He can feel a warm breeze, and he can’t help but smile. He looks to his left, to the dirt road by the other side of the lake where he saw Jack for the first time, climbing off the bus. Little did Jared know then.
Jared grew up knowing how to pray, his family has always been very religious, and Jared was raised into it, he learned that when he really wanted something, he should pray to God and ask Him. And that’s what he does now. He turns his face towards the sky and closes his eyes. He asks God to bring Jack back into his life. He tells God how much Jack means to him, as if He doesn’t know it already, and he begs Him to let him see Jack again, at least once. He has no idea what he would even do if he actually met Jack again, if he would be able to say something, but he asks Him anyway. He has no idea what God has planned for him, but he begs. He doesn’t want anything else, but please put Jack in his path just one more time someday. Please.
July 13rd, 1995
Please, don’t make me go through this life without seeing him again.
It’s the last week at the camp, and if Jared is counting the minutes to go home, nobody needs to know.
It’s not like he was miserable the entire time. He did have fun, there were some good moments, but Jack has been a constant presence in the back of his mind. Pretty much all the places at the camp reminded Jared of Jack, but he learned to hide it and pretend everything was fine. Specially so nobody would ask him what was the problem, he sucked it up and got through the month.
Today is a whole different story, though. Sam announces during lunch that they will be watching the sunset today. Jared begins to panic, because he can’t do it. He managed to stay at the camp without Jack, to pretend everything was fine, but this is too much. The sunset was a special moment between them last year, Jared could never watch another one without Jack, let alone here, of all places.
Jared spends the whole afternoon freaking out, trying to think of someway to get out of going up the hill later. When Andrew gathers all the boys from his cabin and tells them it’s time to go, Jared approaches him and tries to put on the most miserable puppy face he can muster (which isn’t an impossible task), telling the counselor he doesn’t feel good, his stomach hurts and if it’s possible, he’d rather stay at the cabin.
Andrew isn’t fond of the idea but he apparently senses Jared’s distress, so he makes Jared promise he won’t leave the cabin, which isn’t a problem since Jared has absolutely no intentions of going anywhere else.
Once everyone is gone, Jared climbs into his bunk with his always present notebook, and he closes the drapes as he does so. He can’t bear looking outside the window, not when that’s where he saw Jack for the first time, and even more when the sunset is starting.
July 25th, 1995
I can’t watch another sunset without you.
I can’t hear someone else’s secret instead of yours.
Jared is relieved because it’s finally the last full day, tomorrow he will be going home and can stay as far away from this place as possible. For Jared, Camp Water Mill is both the best and the worst place he has ever known.
For Valentine’s dinner, Jared invites a random girl from their group, mainly so he won’t raise suspicions. He doesn’t pay much attention to anything, the dinner, the moment Sam announces the winning team (it wasn’t his, but who cares), when they are given the booklets with the pictures from the summer (Jared can’t open his). When they all go to the bonfire for the goodbyes Jared hugs everyone on autopilot, signing the booklets that are handed to him, and giving out his own to be signed as well. To him, it’s a waste of time because he won’t be reading it, but it would be harder if he had to explain.
Jared tries to hold back his tears, remembering this moment a whole year ago, when Jack came to him unexpectedly and gave him a hug that he can still feel. Sometimes, he wonders if it was all a dream. He has dreamed about Jack so many times, he wouldn’t be surprised if his mind had made him up.
When he returns to the cabin later, he opens his notebook and finds the picture of him and Jack inside. Once everyone is asleep, he finally lets the tears fall, looking at the picture and actually saying a silent prayer, thanking God for allowing him to meet Jack at all.
Next morning they get ready to leave the camp, and even though Jared is eager to leave, he feels his chest tightening up, a deep longing feeling growing inside of him for leaving this place, where he spent the happiest days in his life. Unlike that first time, now he’s sure he won’t be coming back. There’s no way to know if Jack would be back for next summer, if he just couldn’t attend this one, but Jared can’t risk it. He can’t spend another month here without Jack, so this is really a goodbye. If he was to return to this camp someday, it would be in an amazing dream where Jack would be with him.
When Jared gets on the bus and finds Chad saving a seat for him, his friend asks if Jared wants the window seat.
Jared doesn’t.
Chapter 5