The Love That Remains - Chapter 8/22

[lullysg]

Both men stay sitting on the floor a while longer, not saying a word, Jared waiting for Jensen to take it all in. He still can’t stop staring at him, he just can’t wait for the beard and the hair to go, so he can finally see his whole face. But the eyes… Jensen’s eyes are so special, Jared feels somewhat hypnotized by them.

Finally, Jensen nods and starts trying to get up, but since he’s so fragile and worn out, Jared quickly gets to his feet and helps the other man. Jensen leans heavily on him and together they get him on his bed again. Jared knows he isn’t okay yet, won’t be for a while, he’s still craving his hit, his hands are still shaking, but at least he is calmer.

“Hey, Jensen...” Jared asks, trying to fold his long frame on Jensen’s bed while still giving him space. “Do you think you’d be up to eating a little something now?”

Jensen shakes his head vigorously. “No, Jared, I-- I can’t, I’m gonna be sick, I…”

Jared interrupts him placing a hand gently on his leg. “Hey, don’t worry, just a few crackers, and if you don’t feel good you don’t have to eat. Just try it, okay? You must start eating something to keep your strength up.” Jared knows Jensen’s appetite will increase a lot soon, due to the meth withdrawal, but he has to get the man to start eating something anyway.

Jared leaves the room, after promising him he’s only going to get food and will be right back, and finds Alona in the other room, a shocked expression on her face.

“Whoa Jared, what you did back there with Jensen... was quite impressive. It’s almost like you’ve already know each other.”

Jared shrugs. “Nope… we’ve met only yesterday. Is Chris gone already?”

“Yes, he had some patients to visit. He says he’ll talk to you later.”

Jared nods and grabs a plate with some crackers, going back to Jensen, who seems to be anxiously waiting for his return. He hands the plate to Jensen, who tentatively takes a bite of one cracker and looks a little bit sickly, but eventually he manages to eat all of them, Jared is proud.

When Jensen is done, he hands the plate back to Jared. “ ‘m tired.”

Jared smiles gently at him. “Well, I’m not surprised. You should take a nap and I’ll be back later to check on you and so we can talk, okay?”

Jensen nods and Jared waits until he’s out cold, and then leaves the room.

He goes back to Chris’ office just as the older man is returning there as well. Both men enter and sit down at Chris’ desk again.

“So Jared, I’m very impressed with what you pulled out with Ackles back there. Not a lot of people can do this, it’s like you can get through him and he trusts you. It’s incredible, really, specially because you’ve only met yesterday. If I had any lingering doubts, they are all gone now. You can take full responsibility for Ackles’ case.”

Jared beams at his boss. “Thanks Chris! I’ll do my best to help Jensen.”

Chris returns the smile. “No doubts about it.”



Jared takes care of the other patients with Chris after lunch, and when they are done, the older man sends him to talk to Jensen, to get a first evaluation of his case and see the best way that they can help him. “But I guess you already know that”, Chris adds jokingly. Or Jared thinks so, at least. He has been anxious for this moment if he’s honest, he wants to know how Jensen is doing.

He hurries to the detox wing, and Alona informs him that Jensen woke up a couple hours ago and had a decent meal, she jokes that what he actually ate could feed three grown ups. Jared is not surprised in the least. She informs Jared that Jensen is in the common area, so he heads that way.

He finds Jensen in an armchair in the corner of the room. He’s sitting with his knees pushed up to the seat, his side lying against the backrest, his eyes staring blankly at some point on the white wall. Jared approaches him, and he can see he’s shaking a little. One more withdrawal symptom.

Jared crouches down by Jensen’s side, who doesn’t even notice he’s not alone anymore. It takes Jared calling Jensen’s name repeatedly for the man to notice it. He slowly turns his head around until his eyes meet Jared’s and he gives him the faintest of smiles.

“Hey, Jared.” Jensen says in a quiet voice.

Jared can’t help but smile back at him. “Hey there, how are you feeling now?”

Jensen lifts his thin shoulders slowly. “Dunno. Weird. Tired. I want my crank, Jared.”

“Sorry Jensen, you know that can’t happen. But I was wondering if you and I could have a talk, what do you say? Would you come with me back to your room for a few minutes?”

Jared waits patiently until Jensen nods. He gingerly gets up from the chair and tests his balance on his feet. Slow moving is also normal, so Jared just hovers over him just in case he falters. Jared keeps up with Jensen’s snail’s pace and together they make it to Jensen’s room. Jensen gets on his bed and Jared waits until he’s comfortable, then he sits at the edge of it, clipboard and pen in hand.

“So Jensen, as I said I’ll help you on this journey to get you free of your addiction. That means we will be talking a lot, okay?” Jensen nods. “Okay, so I’ll ask you a few questions and you just feel free to answer them or not, good?” The other man nods again.

“Excellent! I see in your file, your full name is Jensen Ross Ackles, correct?”

“Yes.”

“And where are you from originally, Jensen?”

“Right here, Dallas.”

Jared nods. “You know, I moved here only to go to college. I’m originally from San Antonio, that makes us both Texas boys.” Jared decides to share a bit of himself as well to put Jensen more at ease.

Jensen gives him a small smile. “Texas is good. I miss a good juicy steak to be honest.”

Jared chuckles. “Maybe you can have one soon. So, how old are you?”

Jensen thinks for a moment. “I turned 27… I think? I was born on 1979… March 1st.”

Jared nods and writes down the information. “Okay, and how long have you been living on the streets?”

Jensen thinks for a longer time now. “Dunno for sure… 5, 6 years maybe? I lost count, don’t keep a calendar on myself ya know”

“Were you living at home before that? What happened?”

Jensen shrugs and stays quiet for a while, his eyes looking out of the window as if he’s reliving parts of his life. When he speaks, his voice is devoid of any emotion.

“Not anymore. I haven’t lived at… home ever since I was 18. My family didn’t get me. They sent me to a relative who also didn’t get me, so I ran away. I’ve lived here and there until I couldn’t afford it anymore. I took the wrong path and here I am now.”

Jared waits but it’s clear that Jensen doesn’t want to share anymore and he won’t press him.

“Well, we are here to guide you to find a new path.”

Jared offers Jensen a smile and he’s rewarded seconds later when he sees the corner of the man’s mouth turn up.



Jared arrives home that evening feeling tired as hell but satisfied. He and Jensen had talk for over an hour, actually he did most of the talking but his patient didn’t let him down. He told Jared he have been using methamphetamine for a few years now, he started with antidepressants but when he ended up on the streets he moved to meth. Jared knew Jensen was hiding a lot of things, he looked sad while talking about how his addiction started, which is no surprise to Jared of course, but there is a lot of unsaid things. Jared never pushes Jensen, if the other man wants to share, Jared will be there to listen. And he really hopes Jensen can share, at least a little bit, because he really wants to help him, he needs Jensen to get better. Instead, he let Jensen know how their program is gonna work, he told him that after the drug leaves his body he’s gonna leave the detox wing and move to rehab. Jared knows the man has potential, he can see he’s smart and he only needs help to start a new life. Jared feels proud that Chris trusted him to be Jensen’s counselor and he won’t let his boss down.

Chad is in charge of dinner, so when Jared finds him in the kitchen the man is defrosting two lasagnas, as usual. Jared has long ago given up on arguing for Chad to get something healthier, so he just goes with it. Once their food is hot, both men grab their plates and a bottle of beer each and make themselves comfortable on the couch, and Chad finds Ocean’s Eleven on TV. He asks Jared how it went at the clinic, and Jared briefly tells him about it, including his progress with Jensen. He doesn’t say much though, he wants to keep whatever is going on between Jensen and him in private, thank you very much. For the moment, he just finishes his meal, helps himself to another beer and enjoys the movie. He tries to push Jensen out of his mind just for the night, but that part isn’t possible, unfortunately.



The next few days aren’t easy for Jensen. He’s hit with withdrawal symptoms full force and Jared has had enough experience with other patients to feel very bad on Jensen’s behalf. Since Jensen is his first official patient, Jared is with him more often than not (if Jared makes an effort to be around more than he’s actually required to, nobody needs to know), therefore he’s around to see Jensen suffering with the effects of the lack of meth in his system first hand.

Jensen has been very agitated and anxious, and like that first time, Jared has to try and talk him through it for the other man to calm down at least a little. He also sleeps a lot but sometimes it’s a restless sleep, Jared can tell Jensen has nightmares and he knows how vivid they can be. He wakes up shivering and running a fever. More often than not, he’s too tired to do anything else except lie in bed, but he has continued to eat a lot, basically anything he can get his hands on. Alona tells Jared that Jensen throws up sometimes and feels nauseated and unwell.

Jared tries to help him the best he can, tries to get Jensen to be strong to get over it, but Jared himself knows it’s too hard sometimes. One of the main withdrawal symptoms is depression and Jared can clearly see Jensen falling into that. He’s treated with Paxil, that works as an antidepressant but not on a highly dose since it has a lot of side effects and Jensen isn’t in the best shape for dealing with them right now. So he often shuts down and won’t talk to anyone, not even Jared. More than once, his sessions with Jensen are passed in complete silence on his patient’s side. Jared does the best he can, even reaching Chris for professional advice to try and yank Jensen out of his state of mind. Dealing with what Jensen is going through isn’t easy, he often yells at Jared, or cries, or pleads. He begs for his drug, for a release, he blames Jared for everything, tells the counselor he’s the reason for his pain and seconds later he’s crying and telling Jared how sorry he is.

Jared is drained, day after day he gets home and wants nothing more than to eat something, take a nice long shower and get to bed. He updates Chad but he never gets past the basics, he won’t share details about Jensen’s treatment, one because he can’t and two, he frankly doesn’t want to. So yeah, he’s tired as hell and has no energy for anything else at the moment, but he has no regrets. He’s doing what he feels he needs to.

One week after Jensen is admitted, Jared enters his room as usual to check on him, he greets Jensen and gets no response even though he can see Jensen’s awake, which is not like him. Jared approaches the bed carefully and repeats Jensen’s name. When Jensen’s head turns towards him, his eyes look right past, as if he’s not even seeing Jared.

Jared thinks he could be hallucinating, so he gently touches Jensen’s arm and that gets the other man to finally acknowledge him. Their eyes lock and Jensen’s face changes and he takes Jared in, his eyes suddenly brimming with tears.

“It’s you.” He whispers to Jared, in complete awe.

Jared frowns. “What?”

Jensen takes Jared’s hand and squeezes it hard.

“It’s you, oh my God it’s you. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I couldn’t go back to see you again!”

Jared isn’t sure what to say to that, he doesn’t know who ‘you’ are, so he feels completely lost and still trying to think of what to say when the other man opens his mouth again.

“J…” Jared can see him trying to force the word out but nothing comes. So he places his other hand on Jensen’s shoulder and squeezes it, shaking it very gently, trying to get the man back to reality.

“Yeah buddy, it’s me, Jared. Can you hear me? You’re at the rehab center, remember? I’m Jared and I’m your counselor. I want you to look at me and focus, okay?”

Jared forces Jensen to look at him and talks him through until he comes out of his haze. Jensen blinks rapidly until his eyes become clear, and Jared can see him slowly coming back to the present.

“Jared?” Jensen says with a rusty voice, pressing his thumb and forefinger on his eyes, trying to get them more focused.

“Welcome back. I’m gonna guess you were pretty far away, huh?”

Jensen looks out of the window for a long time, without saying anything. Jared assumes he’s thinking about what he was seeing and he wonders if it was something real, if he was talking to someone that actually exists. He doesn’t ask, just lets Jensen take his time. When he finally speaks, he doesn’t move and his gaze remains distant.

“Yeah, I… I guess I was in another life. A much happier one.”

Jensen doesn’t elaborate further, Jared tries to talk to him so they can carry on with their therapy session of the day, but Jensen is mostly monosyllabic. Jared doesn’t force anything, of course, he knows Jensen is having a bad day, so when their session is over he tells his patient that he will be back to check on him later.

He does that a couple times in the afternoon, but he finds Jensen still quiet and staring at nothing. He tries again to talk to him, but it’s all in vain. He feels helpless, wishes he could do something more for Jensen, and when he goes home he feels worried about him. He hopes he’s feeling better tomorrow, that he will finally talk to Jared, so he can find a way to at least begin to help him.

Halfway home, Jared’s phone buzzes in his pocket, and when he picks it up, he sees it’s Chad. When he answers, there is a loud background noise, so he assumes Chad is probably at some bar.

“Hey Jaybird!” Chad screams, making Jared hold the phone away from his ear. “Listen man, I’m here at Fitz with the dudes, come here and have some beers with us!”

Jared pinches the bridge of his nose. he’s so not up for that right now, he is really worried and he has an early call tomorrow. “Sorry man, I’m tired, had a long day and…”

But Chad doesn’t let him finish and yells even louder. “Bullshit dude, it’s just a couple of beers, we will never forgive you if you don’t come! We’re waiting!”

Chad hangs up and Jared sighs, defeated. If he doesn’t go, he will never hear the end of it, so he promises himself it’s just a couple of beers. He arrives at the bar and quickly locates the table Chad, Danni and Milo are sitting at, and he joins them.

Chad pushes a beer towards Jared. “Glad to see you finally made time for your friends dude! It’s like lately you only have eyes for the junkie!”

Jared puts his beer down and gives Chad a hard look. “Don’t talk about him like that!”

Danneel looks from one man to the other, clearly not following the conversation. “What’s happening, who’s the junkie?”

Jared looks at Danni and grunts. “He’s not a junkie. Okay, maybe he is but don’t talk like that Chad, please. Jensen is my patient, he is a drug addict who’s been going through detox at the clinic. It’s a long story that I don’t want to tell right now because I’m seriously tired, but he became my first real patient and I’ve been dedicating a lot of my time to him, helping him through it.”

Chad scoffs. “Yeah, and Jared talks about him so much that if I didn’t know better, I’d think he has feelings for the addict”

Jared’s head snaps towards Chad’s and he frowns at him.

“What did you say?” His voice is no more than a whisper as he tries to keep his cool.

Chad apparently senses Jared’s distress and seems to decide it’s better not to push any further, as he raises his hands in a surrender. “Calm down dude, I was just kidding! Gee, I knew you were no fun but I didn’t think it was that serious. No pun intended.”

Jared takes a few deep breaths, trying to calm his heart a bit and forces out a laugh, that sounds bitter in his ears. If only Chad knew better.

“That’s okay man, it’s cool.” Jared shakes his head as he takes a long gulp of his beer, that tastes even more bitter than it already is. “I’ve just been under some stress at work that’s all.”

The conversation at the table moves to safer waters then, and after two beers Jared calls it a night, saying that he needs to rest if he wants to make it to work on time tomorrow, and he isn’t lying.

After Jared’s showered and is ready to go to bed, Chad arrives from the bar and apologizes to Jared again, who brushes it off and tells him it’s forgotten.

Sleep doesn’t come easy for Jared though, as he lies in bed he thinks about Chad’s words at the bar. Is he right? Is Jared developing feelings for Jensen? That can’t be possible, Jensen is just a person in need that Jared wants - needs - to help, that’s it. Plus, Jared has never had real feelings for anyone since… well, since Jack. He doesn’t know what it’s like to feel something for someone other than him, and he never even thought he could. He can’t focus on that right now, anyway. His only concern is getting Jensen better and he will do just that.



October 4th, 2006

“How I wish... how I wish you were here.”



Jared arrives at work in the morning and after putting his backpack in his locker, he heads straight to detox to check on Jensen. He had a restless night, barely got any sleep, too many thoughts of Jensen running through his mind, but especially hoping he is doing better. He has had a bad feeling all night, something tight in his chest that he can’t put a name on, and that still lingers. He tries to brush it off but he can’t.

When Jared enters the wing, he finds Alona at her desk, doing some paperwork.

“Hey Al, how’s Jensen?”

Alona looks up and smiles at him. “Good morning to you too, Jared. I’m doing fine too, thanks. Last time I checked on your boy, about half an hour ago, he was sleeping. Alexis said he had a restless night though, guess he was having some nightmares.”

Jared doesn’t comment on the ‘your boy’ for the moment because he’s in a rush, so he thanks Alona and apologizes for his manners, he’s just too focused on Jensen, he needs to make sure he’s really okay. He turns the knob on Jensen’s door, and when he enters the room the first thing he notices is that the man isn’t in his bed. Just a fraction of a second later though, Jared locates Jensen, and he is sure his eyes are playing a trick on him, it has to be a nightmare, because what he is seeing, it just can’t be happening, it can’t be real.

It takes only a second for Jared’s feet to move without his knowledge and for him to jump into action. Jensen is lying on the floor, beside the bed. There’s a white sheet wrapped tightly around his neck, the other end tied in a knot around the bed frame. Jensen’s eyes are closed and his mouth partially opened. Jared feels like he’s moving in slow motion, he tries to clear his head and think what he should do first.

Jared quickly kneels beside Jensen and places his limp head on his lap, efficiently untying the knot around his neck with trembling hands. He lies Jensen flat on the floor and feels for his pulse, only to find nothing. His own heart hammers inside his chest, his eyes are filling with tears as he tries not to let panic build inside of him, Jensen’s heart isn’t beating and he needs to act, FAST.

He slams the red code button beside Jensen’s bed as he prepares himself to start CPR. Jared silently prays to the highest power that he’s able to do it right, he’s never done it on a real person before, only in training with a mannequin. He feels Jensen’s chest to find the right place and starts to pump hard and fast as he counts at the same time.

One, two, three…

Please Jensen, PLEASE, come on!

When he’s done, Jared lifts Jensen’s chin and blows inside his mouth twice.

“I NEED HELP HERE, PLEASE!” He screams out loud, he needs a crash cart right the fuck now!

One, two, three…

Tears stream down onto Jared’s hands and Jensen’s chest as he pumps even harder. He can feel Jensen’s ribs cracking under his palms, which he vaguely remembers as being a good sign, he’s doing it right.

Don’t do this to me Jensen, come back, I need you, PLEASE.

As he blows into his mouth again, he can finally feel Jensen inhaling loudly, and as he feels his neck with his fingers, he can pick a faint pulse. Just then, the response team arrives and begin to assess the situation, quickly placing Jensen on a gurney. They wheel him out of the room to the E.R., and Jared walks by his side. Before they disappear through the doors though, Jensen opens his eyes but even though he’s looking directly at Jared, he knows Jensen isn’t really seeing him. The nurses take Jensen to the trauma room and Jared knows he can’t go in there, so he steps back.

He stands alone in the hallway and all the fight finally leaves Jared, his knees give away beneath him and he slumps on the floor, sliding down against the wall as all the tears he was still holding back fall down his face in a desperate cry.



“Jared?”

Jared feels like he’s underwater and someone is calling his name from far away but he doesn’t have the strength to go to the surface.

“JARED?” The voice is stronger now and someone is shaking him. He forces his mind to focus and stare at the eyes in front of him.

“Chris?” The counselor is grabbing Jared’s arms with both hands, a concerned look on his face.

“Hey Jared, you with me??”

Jared takes a look at his surroundings and notices he’s in the main area in the detox wing. He has no idea how he ended up here since last thing he remembers, he was sitting on the floor by the E.R.

Then he recalls what he was doing there.

“Jensen!” He gets up and makes a motion towards the place they took Jensen, only to be stopped by Chris’ firm grip on him.

“They are still with him, you need to wait here.” Chris drags Jared back to the chair he was sitting on, which is no easy feat, and Jared bends to rests his elbows on his knees.

“Chris, he tried to…” Jared’s voice breaks and he forces the words out. “He tried to kill himself. He had the sheet… why? Chris, he… ”

Jared can’t finish and Chris sits beside him, placing an arm around his shoulders.

“You know that’s a symptom, Jared. It doesn’t happen to all of them and definitely not all the time, but it’s a possibility and unfortunately Jensen went there. You were great in an emergency, you did the right thing and probably saved his life. I’m sure Jensen will be fine and we will be able to understand what happened to him.”

Jared thinks about what could have happened if he hadn’t gotten to the man in time, but he’s too drained to voice this concern to Chris. He sits quietly and waits for news on Jensen, and tries to keep his mind off wondering why Jensen’s suicide attempt had made such a great impact on him.

Chapter 9