The Love That Remains - Chapter 9/22
Jared is sitting beside Jensen’s bed, and he can’t keep his eyes off of him. Thankfully, he is sleeping peacefully , and if it wasn’t for the tube sticking out of his throat and the IV line in his hand Jared wouldn’t even think something was wrong. He tries not to look at the restraints circling Jensen’s wrists and ankles.
Jared wouldn’t leave the detox wing until he had news about Jensen, and finally Tom, the doctor in charge, had told him that Jensen was being wheeled back to his room and that he would eventually be okay. He hadn’t suffered any brain damage from the lack of oxygen and Jared himself had played a good part in it, acting fast at performing CPR correctly (Jared blushed a little when Tom said that). Tom also told Jared that Jensen would be sleeping a lot now but that everything was fine. Jensen’s room is already the nearest one to the nurse’s station and now he has to stay in it, so the nurses can keep a closer eye on him. Jared hates the restrains but he knows it’s procedure after a suicide attempt. Jensen will be kept under close watch now.
Jared dashed into Jensen’s room as soon as he was given the okay, and he hasn’t left since. He knows the worst is over for now, but he still can’t get the images out of his mind, he can’t help picturing Jensen’s lifeless body on the floor, the pure panic that exploded inside of him, the fear of losing Jensen. Jared looks at the sleeping man, with his pale face and disheveled beard, and he doesn’t understand. Jared tries not to think about it too much otherwise he will go crazy. He will focus on Jensen being okay, and that’s it.
Despite Chris’ suggestion, Jared doesn’t go home. He doesn’t want to be away from Jensen and he would just be restless if he left the clinic. So he carries on with his day, leaving Jensen to get his rest and visits other patients with Chris, making sure to check on Jensen every other hour.
Half an hour before Jared’s shift is over, Alona comes looking for him and says Jensen is calling for him. They rush back to detox together and Alona stops Jared before he enters the room.
“When he woke up he was very agitated”, she says before going in. “We managed to calm him down enough to remove the tube from his throat, but he’s not happy with the restraints and has asked for you a few times.”
Jared follows Alona into the room, and his heart aches at the sight of Jensen thrashing in his bed, trying to break free, he looks so scared, his eyes flicking wildly side to side. Jared gets closer to Jensen in a few quick strides, calling out to him a couple of times to try and get his attention. When Jensen notices Jared, his eyes go wide and he’s suddenly still..
“Jared?” His voice is husky, barely there, but it’s enough to make tears prick behind Jared’s eyes.
“Sure it’s me, buddy.” He answers, oh so carefully placing a hand on Jensen’s shoulder.
All the fight leaves Jensen as he collapses back on the bed. Jared hears Alona leaving the room but he doesn’t bother looking, instead fetching up a chair and scooting beside Jensen’s bed, just as he was doing not so long ago.
“How are you feeling?” He knows it’s a stupid ass question because the look on Jensen’s face is enough of an answer already, but he needs to say something.
“Hurting. Tired.” Jensen lets out a long breath, avoiding Jared’s eyes. “Exhausted, actually.”
“Do you want me to go so you can rest?”
Jensen’s eyes to shoot back to Jared’s.
“No!” Jensen tries to reach out to him but the restraint stops him and he pleads. “I hate this. Can’t you take these off, please?”
Jared would love nothing more than to do so, but he knows he can’t, he would get fired within the hour if someone found out. Plus, Jensen is restrained for a reason.
“No can do Jensen, I’m sorry.” Jared tells him, shaking his head. “You’re gonna have to put up with those for 72 hours, it’s the clinic’s policy for…” Jared lowers his head before finishing softly, “... suicide attempts.”
Jensen is quiet for a long time, keeping his eyes closed. Jared is beginning to think Jensen has fallen asleep when his quiet voice startles him.
“I’m sorry.”
Jared frowns, as Jensen slowly turns his head towards Jared and looks back at him.
“For what?” Jared answers, equally quietly.
“You trusted me, you said I could do it and I failed you. I swear I didn’t want to do it Jared, please believe me.” A single tear escapes and Jared tracks it down Jensen’s face. “I don’t even know why, I promise you I won’t do it again, it’s just that everything seems so hard. I don’t think I’m strong enough for this.”
Jared fights back his own emotion as he reaches out and squeezes Jensen’s hand in reassurance. Maybe he’s trying to comfort both of them. Jared needs it too.
“You are in withdrawal Jensen, and a feeling of hopelessness and wanting to end the pain, and make it all go away, is one of the effects. It doesn’t happen to everybody, but it happens nonetheless. Unfortunately it happened to you, and I believe it when you say it won’t happen again. But you’re gonna have to sit tight and behave in order to be released from detox and moved to rehab. It’s much more fun there, I promise.” Jared ends with a wink.
Jensen huffs. “I’m gonna have to trust you with that one.”
Jared smiles but he can tell Jensen is on the verge of falling asleep. “You should rest now. I’ll keep you company.”
Jensen makes a barely audible content sound before falling into oblivion. Jared watches him for a long time.
A week later, Jensen is finally transferred from detox to rehab, for the next stage of his program. He had spent three days under suicide watch, but Jared had done some psychological work with him, and with a final evaluation from Chris, he was declared no longer a threat to himself. A few days after that, he had a blood test that showed he no longer had traces of methamphetamine in his system, so he was finally able to start the rehabilitation program. Jared in particular was very happy when this happened.
Jensen is placed in a room with Robert Benedict, a patient that has left detox a week before. Jared has a great relationship with Rob, and considers him to be a good choice of roommate for Jensen. He is given a hygiene kit and new clothes to wear, so he can finally get rid of the scrubs he had to wear for detox, along with a small black notebook, in case he wants to write down whatever feels important to him. Jared sits with Jensen and explains to him how rehab works, that they have a schedule that they have to follow, with group meetings, lectures, activities, one on one time with the counselors and so on. He makes clear to Jensen that in order to complete his treatment, he must follow the schedule and rules. Jensen promises him that he will do it, and Jared chooses to trust him.
Jared goes home that evening feeling more relaxed than he has in ages, knowing that Jensen is making good progress and can finally start the rehab after suffering through detox (Jared would know about that). He stops to grab pizza and a six pack on his way home because he’s in a light mood and he wants a nice and relaxing night off with Chad. His friend is more than happy when he sees what Jared brings home, and when Jared mentions that his patient Jensen left detox and that’s a great thing, Chad just mumbles around a mouthful of pizza and Jared knows he is way more interested in that, so he lets it pass. They end up watching a new episode of Prison Break together, have a few laughs, and Jared sleeps way better that night.
The first couple days of Jensen in rehab go by rather uneventfully, Jared has a couple one on one meetings with him and Jensen’s favorite part so far is the food which he claims to be much better than the detox meals. Jensen tells Jared that he still craves the drug and he wakes up at night when it gets stronger, but he knows he’s gonna beat it, and of course, Jared believes him.
On the third day, Jared is waiting for Jensen so they can have their private meeting, and when Jensen comes through the door, Jared is glad he’s already sitting down, otherwise he’s sure he’d have tripped and fallen to the floor. Once in a fortnight, the owner of the hair salon near campus volunteers to come to the clinic and give the homeless guys a haircut and a shave , specially for those who have just arrived and are in desperate need of it. Jared wasn’t aware he had come the day before, and now he’s facing the result of his work on Jensen. Gone is Jensen’s haggard beard and disheveled hair, and Jared finally finds himself staring at… Jensen’s face.
It’s like Jared’s under a spell, because he can’t take his eyes off Jensen’s as he slowly gets up from his chair and walks toward him. He stops a few feet away, and takes a closer look. Jensen has a faint stubble on his face and is donning a short, spiked haircut. Jared thinks it suits him. He has a strong jaw and his pouted lips stand out way more now. Jensen is not as pale as he was when he first arrived, his face is fuller, and Jared realizes with shock that he has freckles scattered on his nose and cheeks, well, everywhere.
Jared feels breathless, because for a second, Jensen reminds him a lot of… Jack. His face structure, apart from his eyes, is very similar to what he remembers of Jack. He’s hit with such a strong emotion, that he quickly averts his eyes from Jensen’s face and grips the table behind him to prevent him losing his balance.
Jared is breathing hard, his vision blurs and he’s thrown back 12 years into the past, where there’s a boy with a blue hair and an easy smile, and Jared can vaguely feel someone grabbing his arm and his name being called distantly. He looks over and is met with deep emerald eyes, and that brings him back to the present. Jensen helps Jared back to his chair and looks at him with concerned eyes.
“Jared, are you okay? What happened?”
Jared can’t take his eyes off Jensen’s face, he wants to get closer to it, he wants to touch it, see that it’s real, but he won’t. He knows his mind is playing tricks on him, even though Jensen has some similarities with Jack, he’s another person and Jared forces his brain to believe it. Because he just cannot go there. Jensen is not Jack and he needs to know that.
“Yeah, yeah… I guess my blood pressure just dropped, but I feel fine now, don’t worry.”
“You sure you don’t want me to call someone?” Jensen doesn’t seem convinced.
Jared shakes his head. “Not necessary, I’m all good.” He sighs and makes a gesture towards Jensen’s face. “I see you cleaned up a bit there.”
Jensen shrugs and looks down. “Yeah, the guy came yesterday and I was actually eager to get rid of all that hair. I feel 10 pounds lighter now, I hadn’t seen my face in a while.”
Jensen has a sad tone in his voice and it hits Jared again how hard Jensen’s life has been. He vows to himself that he won’t let Jensen go back to that as he offers him a small smile.
“Well, then lemme tell you that it doesn’t look half bad.”
And that’s really an understatement. Jensen just has no fucking idea how much.
October 25th, 2006
Everyday for the past 12 years I wish I could see your face again, but today, more than ever, I wish I could see your face again. Jensen looks so much like you it hurts deeply. It hurts to look into his face and wish i could see you.
Damn Jensen.
Damn you.
A big Halloween party is thrown at Fitzsimons and Chris’ band is playing. Jared is there along with his buddies, dressed as a mega tall Harry Potter with glasses, scar, wand and everything (he’s a potterhead, sue him). Some of his coworkers from the clinic are there as well, and Alona, Alexis and Sophia join their table. It’s a good night, the music is awesome, Chris and Steve are rocking as usual. Jared notices that Chad is almost plastered by Sophia’s side, he’s saying something in her ear and she’s giggling. Jared chuckles, he knows very well where this can go and he’s surprised to realize they look good together. He just hopes, for Sophia’s sake, that his friend doesn’t screw it up.
Jared tells the others he’s going to the bar to fetch some drinks, and Danneel offers to go with him to help him carry the glasses.
“So Jared...” She asks him while they wait for the bartender to finish their orders. “How are things at the clinic? How’s that patient of yours going?”
Jared frowns down at her, not really understanding the sudden question about Jensen.
“He’s… doing better. He’s not in detox anymore, he’s in the rehab program now and making good progress.” He stops for a moment and sighs, suddenly wishing Jensen could be there having fun with them. “He’s a good guy, I want him to be okay.”
The bartender hands them their drinks, but before Danni picks hers up, she pats him on the shoulder and gives a mysterious smile. “I’m pretty sure he is, Jare.”
Jared doesn’t know where the thought comes from, but he hopes Jensen can celebrate Halloween with him next year.
Jensen’s following weeks at the center aren’t a piece of cake of, but he’s making big strides and Jared is proud. He does everything he’s supposed to do, follows the schedule, becomes active in group meetings, never misses a doctor’s appointment and above it all, is there for every single talk time with Jared. In every talk, Jared can see Jensen getting better, bit by bit, struggling to get there and to get rid of his addiction, and Jared is absolutely sure Jensen will pull this off, he has faith in him.
But what Jared learns in those weeks, more than anything, is that he can’t stay away from Jensen. Suddenly, the one on one time they have together in the mornings isn’t enough, and Jared suddenly finds himself seeking Jensen’s company throughout the day. When Jared has time and he knows Jensen is on his free time, he casually makes his way towards the common room, and if Jensen happens to be there he approaches him, asking if he’s doing okay or how is his day is going. He knows it's lame, but Jared just needs this proximity to Jensen, and he can’t explain why. And if he’s not mistaken, Jensen lights up a bit when Jared comes to talk to him and he seems genuinely happy, so Jared feels it’s not a one sided thing. Jared hopes, when Jensen’s time in the center is over, that they can still see each other. Because suddenly, the notion of seeing Jensen walk away and not seeing him again, hurts Jared in a way he can’t even begin to understand.
On Jensen’s second week at rehab, Jared has just ended his shift and is on his way to change his clothes and go home when he spots Jensen in the common room, sitting at a table in the corner, playing with a deck of cards by himself. Jared sits down across from him without saying a word and they start playing 21. They play until it’s time for all the patients to be in their rooms, and if Jared arrives home an hour and a half hour later than usual, he sure doesn’t mind.
That ends up becoming a recurring thing between them a few nights a week. Jared will end his shift and join Jensen in the common room, to either play with the cards, or a board game, watch whatever is on TV together or just talk (if Chad notices he’s getting home later than usual he doesn’t say anything - but since he’s too busy drooling over Sophia, Jared doubts it). Jared realizes more and more that Jensen is really smart, he has a lot of knowledge on different sorts of subjects, so Jared is positive that Jensen had a proper education. He aches to know exactly what happened for him to end up as a homeless addict, but he never asks. He hopes Jensen trusts him enough someday that he will share on his own.
On a Wednesday afternoon, Jared is coming back from his lunch break and the patients are on their free time. He passes by the chapel, the doors are opened and he takes a quick look inside. There’s a single person in there, and he has to look twice, because he surely knows this person. Jensen is sitting at one of the pews in the back of the chapel, staring at the small altar. Jared can’t help himself as he quietly enters the chapel and sits down beside him leaving a decent space between them.
Jensen acknowledges Jared’s presence with a barely incline of his head, but remains quiet. Jared isn’t sure what he’s supposed to say, or if he should say anything at all. The silence lingers for a while, but it isn’t uncomfortable at all, Jared actually finds peace in Jensen’s silent company.
“I never learned how to pray, ya know.” Jensen’s quiet voice breaks the silence after a while and startles Jared a bit. He looks at Jensen, but he’s still looking pensively straight ahead. Jared stays silent, sensing there’s more to come and he isn’t disappointed.
“My parents, they… they never taught me, never cared about that, so I never had much faith in anything. And after all the shit that I’ve been through in my life… I lost the faith I didn’t even have in the first place. And I wonder now what is like to believe in something bigger, holding onto something. Maybe that’s what has been lacking in my life.” Jensen finally turns his head and looks Jared in the eyes. “Do you know how to pray Jared? Do you have faith?”
Jared holds Jensen’s intense gaze as he feels a deep sorrow inside of him. Jensen has been through so much in his life, Jared can’t even begin to comprehend what kinds of horrible things, and here he is now, having a chance to start over and looking for a higher power to believe in. Starting to hope. And Jared has a chance to help him in one more way.
“My family is very religious. I learned the usual prayers, Our Father, Holy Mary, when I was very young. I learned there is a God, and that He is good, but we must follow His rules otherwise we are punished. As I grew up, I learned how to speak to Him in my own way, to say my own prayers. I learnt that there was more than one way to have faith, that those rules we are supposed to follow are bullshit, and if we are… different, God won’t burn us alive for that, I know He loves us the way we are, even if… others can’t. So yes Jen, I have faith. I feel like that’s the thing that keeps me going. Having faith in what I believe and that my prayers will be answered someday.” Jared barely acknowledges the fact that he used a nickname for Jensen for the first time, and he vaguely hopes the other man won’t mind.
Jensen only nods slowly. “So do you still pray?”
Jared gives him a sad smile. “I do, Jen. Everyday. I pray for God to give me… something. There’s where my faith lies.” Jared holds back tears, because that’s the closest he ever got to talking about Jack to anyone and that affects him , way more than he wants Jensen to see.
Maybe Jensen notices something or maybe not, but he doesn’t ask the question and for that, Jared is grateful. He asks something else instead.
“Do you think I can still have faith, Jared? Or is it too late for me? I have no idea how to pray, I don’t know if I can still have hope.”
Jared notices Jensen’s right hand is grabbing the pew tightly, so he places his own hand on top of his and the touch sends shivers up his arm. “It’s never too late, Jensen. There is always hope.” Jared gets up and makes a motion for Jensen to get up as well. “Come with me, let’s go for a walk.”
Jared leads Jensen outside, to the huge gardens behind the center. There are a few patients hanging out here and there, but they walk past them to the lake further away. Both of them sit down under a large tree and they just take it all in for a while. The scenery there is breathtaking, with the lake and its dark waters, the trees surrounding it now are all colored red and orange and the ground is covered in their fallen leaves.
Jared and Jensen stare at the mountains beyond the lake as Jared speaks. “You don’t need to memorize a dozen words to pray, Jensen. All you need to do is say whatever is in your heart. You can ask for something you want, or you can be grateful for what you have. You don’t need to believe in God necessarily, you can believe in a higher power. But the most important thing, you must have faith in yourself. Because if you don’t, you will just get lost. Look at how far you’ve come. Up until a couple months ago, you were helpless. You could have mugged anyone else that night, but it was me . And I had a way to help you, I believe it was meant to be. I have had faith in you since the beginning, and you must, too. Now you’re on your way to get better, and to try and get your life back. You have hope now, and that was only possible because you believed in yourself. It isn’t even remotely easy, but you will get there. The only thing you can’t do, is lose the faith you are building in yourself. Questioning that, like you just did, is already a huge step. You’re on the right path to find that power within yourself.”
Jensen doesn’t say a word, but Jared can see tears trickling down his cheeks. There’s nothing else they need to say, not really, Jared knows Jensen understood perfectly. And listening to his own words inside his head, Jared realizes they weren’t meant only for Jensen. Maybe Jensen isn’t the only one discovering things about himself.
The lake becomes Jared and Jensen’s place. Sometimes, when they are both free, they will walk down there and sit under the tree, sometimes they talk, sometimes they just sit there in silence. It’s comforting for both of them.
On one particular afternoon, they are laying down side by side, on a blanket as the grass is getting colder with the season, and they are watching the clouds above them. Jensen turns his head towards Jared and Jared does the same. Jensen is staring intensely at him and Jared tries his hard not to crumble under the weight of Jensen’s emerald eyes, and he waits. It doesn’t take long for Jensen to share what’s on his mind. When he does, his voice is a tentative whisper.
“You remind me of someone”
Jared frowns. “Who?”
Jensen shrugs slightly. “A boy… that I met a long time ago. When life was much more colorful.”
Jared doesn’t say anything, he only holds Jensen’s gaze for a few moments before looking up at the sky again. He doesn’t tell Jensen he also reminds himself of someone. And that someone is the subject of every single prayer he says.
It’s Friday night and they are throwing a small party at the center. It’s a monthly thing, all the patients, counselors, nurses, doctors, etc, get together to spend some quality time with food and drinks (non alcoholic of course). They talk, play games, there’s always a guitar if someone wants to play. Jared has been to a couple of those and he always has a great time socializing with everyone and watching the patients being more relaxed and just enjoying themselves.
So far this is Jared’s favorite party though, because it’s the first one Jensen is attending. Jared has noticed that lately, he has been craving Jensen’s company more and more, it’s like everything is brighter when Jensen is there and Jared tries not to think about the reason for that.
Both of them have hung out together for a while during the party, but Jared notices Jensen seems a bit introspective; actually he has noticed that for the past few days. It’s like Jensen has an inner debate with himself and this is putting him on edge. Even when they are talking, it feels like something is off with him, there is something in Jensen’s eyes that Jared can’t decipher even though he wishes he could.
Towards the end of the party, Jared is talking to Chris when he notices Jensen quietly walking to where the guitar and the tall chair are. He watches Jensen gently picking the guitar up and situating himself on the chair, guitar on his lap. He had no idea Jensen played or could sing, so he immediately finishes whatever conversation he was having with Chris to watch what Jensen will do. The noise in the room has lowered, everyone anticipating what is about to come from Jensen.
Jensen doesn’t look up or acknowledge anyone, doesn’t say anything about what he’s about to sing. He seems very concentrated, testing the chords with his fingers, as if he’s trying to see if he still knows them. Jared holds his breath, not having a clue as to what’s about to happen but he doesn’t even want to blink. Jensen apparently finds the right chords because they are forming a song, and then he opens his mouth, still not facing anyone but his own lap.
When you were here before,
Couldn't look you in the eye.
You're just like an angel,
Your skin makes me cry
Hearing Jensen’s voice singing those words is like getting a punch to the stomach for Jared. He can’t put a name to that feeling, it’s just something that feels like it comes from deep in his soul.
You float like a feather,
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special,
You're so fucking special.
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.
Jensen raises his head and for a fraction of a second his gaze locks on Jared’s and that is enough to make him grab the table behind him, it is so intense. His heart is beating like a drum in his chest and he can’t listen to anything else but that voice.
I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control.
I want a perfect body,
I want a perfect soul.
He thinks Chris is saying something, but he doesn’t listen, he can’t. The whole room is a big blur, and there’s only Jensen, looking at him. There is so much anguish and pain in his eyes, in his voice, and Jared wishes, with all his heart, that he could make it go away.
I want you to notice,
When I'm not around.
You're so fucking special,
I wish I was special.
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
Jensen finishes the song and Jared cannot look away. Jensen quietly gets up from the chair, places the guitar back to its original spot, and quickly walks out of the room, going towards his own bedroom. Jared feels like he’s paralyzed and he doesn’t have the power to move his limbs.
“Whoa, I think I just found the lead singer for my band!” Chris says with a big smile next to him, and Jared knows he should respond but right now, he can’t speak. He excuses himself, leaves the party, rushing to exit the building and finally release the breath he is holding. As he walks home, he realizes that hearing Jensen sing awakened something in him that he didn’t think he would ever feel again. Something that he had only once felt in his life. He recognizes what it means.
He needs to face what he has been ignoring for the past weeks and stop pretending it’s not right there in front of him, obvious, something that he never thought could happen again: that he may very well be falling in love with Jensen.
Chapter 10