The Love That Remains - Chapter 10/22

[lullysg]

It’s a good thing that Chad is spending most nights at Sophia’s place, tonight being one of them, because Jared really needs to be alone. This new emotion hits him like a ton of bricks, makes his chest feel heavy, and he has no idea how to deal with it. Ever since he first laid eyes on Jensen at the police station, even if he couldn’t see his face, he felt something towards him. It’s like something was constantly pulling Jared towards him, and he felt not only a deep urge to help, but to be close to Jensen. Jared had started to look forward to going into work everyday more than anything else, and talking to Jensen became the highlight of his day. He watched Jensen go through awful withdrawal symptoms, and finding Jensen lifeless on the floor after a suicide attempt… that had definitely been one of the worst moments of his life. During those moments Jared thought Jensen was actually dead… it was like something inside him had shut down as well, and Jared had shoved down that feeling, too scared to figure out what that meant.

When Jensen moved to rehab and things got a little better, both of them had become even closer. Jared sought Jensen’s company and it was like everything was brighter when Jensen was around.He became more and more vital in Jared’s life and he only realized it too late, that he let Jensen get in too deep.

Jared has never felt something like this for anyone, not since Jack. Jack is still there, every single minute of every day, a constant present in the deepest part of his soul, Jared’s love for him and his absence burning inside his chest every time he breathes. It has been twelve years and this is the one thing that has never changed, how much Jared misses him. He never thought he could ever feel anything for another person in his life again. He thought Jack had ruined him for anybody else and that was that. He was fine with it, actually. It had long ago become part of him and he had learned to deal with the loss and feeling alone.

But then, when he was least expecting it, Jensen came into the picture. It could’ve been just another patient he had to care for, but then he wormed his way into Jared’s life and became so much more. Jared started dreading his days off, since that meant he had to be away from Jensen, and counted the minutes until he was on the clock again. Jared had never considered feeling like that again, but for the first time, he is feeling something for another person, other than Jack, and he doesn’t know what to do.

It occurs to Jared that he may be just using Jensen as a replacement for Jack. There are some resemblances between the two, he can’t deny it. Jensen reminds Jared of Jack in a lot of aspects, and perhaps that’s what got Jared’s attention in the first place, maybe that’s what made Jared become so obsessed with him. Because Jensen reminds him of his lost love. And since Jared can’t have Jack, Jensen would be the perfect substitute. It would be too easy. But the thing is, it wouldn’t be fair to either him or Jensen. Not that Jensen does feel something for Jared anyway, he doesn’t think so, he doesn't even know if Jensen likes guys, but the way he looked at him while singing tonight…

Jared shakes his head, he can’t. He could never use Jensen like that. He’s too screwed up because of his feelings for Jack and he can’t tell for sure if what he’s feeling is real or just a projection of his love for another person. Besides, Jared is a doctor and Jensen is a patient. It’s unethical, and he cannot go there. So there’s no discussion really. He’s gonna continue helping Jensen in any way he can, and also be his friend like he has been because he doesn’t think he can get away from Jensen at this point. Despite his messed up feelings, Jensen is important to him and he needs him in his life. He’s gonna just suck it up and pretend like everything is fine. He has mastered this ability for the last few years.

Jared tries to go on as if nothing has changed. He continues to help Jensen and to talk to him, they spend time together at the common room or at the lake, but Jared is suddenly much more aware of Jensen’s presence. Every time Jensen looks at him, or gets too close, or accidentally touches him, it’s like an electric shock running through his body. He tries to get away, to tell himself his mind is playing tricks on him, trying to find a replacement for Jack, but it’s like Jensen is a magnet and Jared is helplessly attracted to him. Jared forces it down though, that is a place he cannot go. And if he notices there has been a slight change in Jensen towards him, he pretends not to notice.



Christmas time is coming and Jared decides not to go home this year. He has already skipped Thanksgiving, claiming he had to study since he’s on his final year at college, and he didn’t have the time to travel home. Now, Jared really doesn’t want to see his family either, he knows he’s a horrible person because of that but he can’t help it. He doesn’t want to deal with his family asking him when he’s finally gonna settle down, bring home a nice girl and get married, or hear all about Jeff’s amazing and perfect fiancé and their wedding plans. Jared’s tired of having to kick up his façade a notch every time he visits, for the simple fact that his family would never accept him if they knew who he really was. He doesn’t want to feel stressed and insulted when his father says that fags are gonna burn in hell. So yeah, he’s not looking forward to spend a time that’s supposedly happy, with people who will never understand him.

Jared puts it off but eventually calls and tells his mom he’s gonna be on call at the clinic for the holidays. It’s not a lie, he actually volunteered to work on Christmas but his mom doesn’t have to know that part. She’s upset, of course, tells him to try and find a way out of it, but Jared tells her he can’t. She will get over it, she has two perfect children who are gonna be there to worry about. Jared also tells himself that Jensen is definitely not another reason why he’s not going home this year. It’s definitely not because he’d rather spend Christmas with Jensen than with his family. Especially because Jensen’s stay at the clinic is slowly coming to an end and he wants to enjoy every moment he has with him.

Because it’s not. This is insane. But if he lets himself feel the truth, Jared feels more at home with Jensen, than his own parents.

The afternoon is surprisingly sunny for this time of the year, and when Jared finally has a break, later than he usually does, he finds Jensen coming out of a group meeting. Jared has a blanket in hand and they wordlessly stroll to their spot at the lake. There’s something in the air today, Jared can’t put a name on it. Maybe it’s radiating from Jensen, the pull towards him feels stronger today. If he and Jensen happen to sit closer than usual, he tries not to think too much about it, and just enjoys it.

Both of them relax, bracing themselves with their hands behind their backs, and look at the sky. When Jared realizes what’s about to happen though, his breath quickens as he notices that the sky is starting to glow with color. For the past 12 years, there is one thing Jared never does: he doesn’t watch the sunset. Never. Ever since that afternoon at the camp with Jack, where they shared secrets, Jared has never looked at the sky while the sun is setting because it brings back too many memories and they hurt too much.

But now, here he is. Jared’s with Jensen in front of a beautiful view and the sun is about to set behind the mountains. He should make an excuse, get up and hurry back inside, away from any windows, and wait for it to be over. That’s what he should do, to keep his sanity intact and his heart from breaking even more.

Jared should do it, but he doesn’t. Instead, he inches closer to Jensen, who in return leans a little bit toward him, and they look at the sky. The sun is partially hidden behind the clouds, and it’s making it’s slow descend towards the mountains. It’s hypnotizing, beautiful, and Jared knows he is supposed to start freaking out now. He holds his breath, waits for the pain, but instead he feels the warmth radiating from Jensen’s body inches away from him and all of the sudden, Jared feels a peace taking up the empty space inside of him, that he hasn’t felt in god knows how long. He watches the sky with Jensen and it hits him that if he was given the opportunity to choose… at this very moment, there’s no other place he’d rather be than here, right now.

There’s only a small part of the sun visible now, the sky is going from orange to dark grey, and it’s beautiful. Jared slowly moves his gaze from the sky to Jensen without even realizing it, and finds himself looking into endless green eyes that stare right back at him. Jared has the strange feeling that he can see right into Jensen’s soul and even if he tried, he could never move his gaze away. And he has a strong feeling that Jensen can’t either.

It happens as naturally as a light summer breeze that touches your skin and warms up the deepest parts of your soul. There’s no way to know who leans first and it doesn’t matter. Jensen’s face is suddenly inches apart from Jared’s, he can feel his breath, the heat of his body even more intense now, everything surrounding them disappears, every light, every sound, the only thing Jared can see is a pair of emerald green eyes, and without any control over it, Jared closes his own.

When Jared’s lips touch Jensen’s, time stands still. It feels like his heart stops beating. It’s so gentle, just lips pressing against lips, but to Jared, it feels like a volcano just erupted inside of him. Everything suddenly feels right, it’s like someone flipped a switch and this is what has been missing for Jared to see the light. It’s the first time Jared kisses a man, and the feeling of Jensen’s full lips against his is so amazing, so perfect. This right here is what Jared has been waiting for his whole life. All Jared wants to do is deepen the kiss, lie Jensen down on the blanket and never stop.

A warm breeze is what finally breaks the spell. The scent hits Jared like a slap in the face, and as slowly as he can manage, he gently pushes Jensen away, instantly colder and already missing the feeling of his lips against his. Jared blames his brain for bringing back the memory right at this moment, for making Jared smell Jack when he was kissing Jensen, as if accusing him of being a cheater. And it works, because that’s how he feels right now. Deep down Jared knows it’s insane, but it doesn’t matter. Jared can’t do it.

Jared hastily gets on his feet, Jensen’s looking at him with a mixture of confusion and hurt on his face. Jared can feel the tears burning his eyes and he needs to leave.

“Jensen, I’m… I’m sorry, I need to go.” It’s all Jared manages to mumble without his voice wavering too much, and he quickly averts his eyes from Jensen’s face because if he looks at him for another second, he’s gonna break.

Jared practically runs inside of the building, quickly grabbing his backpack from his locker and rushing to the reception. He tells Sophia he’s not feeling well and needs to go home immediately, asking the girl to tell Chris.

Jared just needs to get away.



Jared arrives home in record time and is glad that he’s alone. He throws himself down on the couch, elbows resting on his knees and head in hands, taking several deep breaths to try and calm himself down, but it’s useless.

There are so many different emotions exploding inside him right now, that Jared doesn’t even know how he’s still conscious.

He just kissed Jensen. Not only that, he just kissed his first man. Jensen. The homeless man who stole his wallet and pushed him to the ground, the man he brought with him to go through rehab, the man he thought was dead for a few moments. Jensen, who against all odds captivated Jared and turned his life upside down.

When Jensen’s lips touched Jared’s, it was like everything was finally falling into place. There’s no better way to explain it, but for the first time in a long time, it was like Jared’s cold life was warmer. He finally felt like he belonged somewhere. For a second, everything else faded to the background and there was only Jared and Jensen. And how easy would that be?

Jared walks to his room and rummages through his closet until he finds what he’s looking for. Then he goes back to the couch clutching Jack’s jersey in his hands. He buries his face in it, but the scent of the blue-haired boy is long gone. Back at the lake, Jared could feel it, the scent was so strong like the first day when he got Jack’s shirt, it was like the boy was standing right next to him all over again, and that was too strong for him to handle.

Jared feels like a cheater even though he knows it’s ridiculous, Jack, as much as Jared wished it, is not a part of his life and has nothing to do with him, therefore Jared could not have cheated on him. Jared know this but it feels as if he cheated on his memory, on his love for Jack. Jared still doesn’t know if what he’s feeling for Jensen is a projection of his love for Jack, if he’s using Jensen as a substitute because of his similarities with him. Jared has never felt something for anyone other than Jack, and now he doesn’t know how to deal with it. It’s something new and he doesn’t know to cope with what he’s feeling.

When the tears finally fall, Jared doesn’t fight them. He cries and cries, desperately, he buries his face into the old jersey and screams. He feels helpless and there’s nobody who can help him. It’s not the first time he has felt alone, but it feels much worse now.

Jared hears the door open but he’s too tired to put on a happy face for Chad and pretend that everything is okay.

“Sup Jare, I forgot I still need to pack for tomorrow before going to see Soph…” Chad stops talking when he sees Jared’s miserable face and steps closer. “What happened dude?”

Jared turns his face to look at his friend, to see how genuinely worried he is. The usual thing to do, what Jared should do right now, is to come up with some bulshit about a fight with his mom on the phone, a patient that went downhill again, but the truth is, he’s tired. Tired of pretending, of lying, of hiding who he is, he’s confused and hurting and at this very moment, he takes a long deep breath.

“I just kissed Jensen at the center and now I don’t know how to deal with it.” And seriously, why is his voice so hoarse?

His revelation is met with dead silence as Chad processes what he just heard. Then he moves slowly and sits down on the opposite end of the couch, a deep frown on his face.

“I’m sorry, I was under the impression at first that Jensen was a dude.”

Jared doesn’t answer for a few heartbeats, and when he does he can’t meet his friend’s eyes.

“He is.”

Chad shakes his head vigorously, as if trying to clear a fog in his mind that prevents him from thinking clearly.

“Help me here for a second Jared, because it seems like you just told me you willingly kissed a guy. Why in the fucking hell would you willingly kiss a guy when you are into girls?”

Jared stares right into Chad’s eyes this time.

“Why do you think?”

Chad’s eyes widen and he hastily gets up from the couch, as if needing to put distance between Jared and himself.

“So all of the sudden you’re gay?? Is that what this is about? You just decided you like dudes now?” Chad waves his arms in the air, showing his frustration.

Jared doesn’t answer. He lowers his gaze and presses his lips together, in the hope of getting the message across and apparently that’s enough for Chad, who looks at him with his eyes big and chin almost touching the floor.

“Since when?”

Silence.

“Since when, Jared?? Tell me!” Chad yells and Jared cringes. Here it comes. He knows that now he has started, he needs to go all the way, so he shrugs.

“Years.” He blurts out. Chad gasps.

“You’re telling me my best friend has been gay for years and only now thought it was important to tell me???”

“Chad, I…” Jared starts, but Chad cuts him off he face going red.

“No! Don’t even start Jared, I can’t believe this. I’m getting out of here, I need some air.”

Chad slams the door behind him and to Jared it feels like a punch in the face. He knows he has a lot of thinking to do regarding Jensen, but right now he needs to fix the mess with his best friend.



First Jared takes a long shower, mostly to help clear his mind rather than his body, and also to give his friend some time to process. Once he’s changed (taking his time), he goes after Chad, if they don’t talk tonight Jared’s gonna have to wait until after Christmas since his friend is leaving in the morning for his folks’ place. And Jared does not want to leave things the way they are.

Jared goes to Fitzsimons, he’s almost positive Chad might be there since he loves the place and sounds like the perfect definition of ‘needing some air’ to Chad. Sure enough, he finds his friend sitting at a booth at the far corner of the bar. Jared approaches him slowly, giving Chad time to notice that he’s there, and the guy suddenly stiffens, his grip on the beer bottle tightening and eyes on the wall, but he doesn’t move. Jared sits down across from him without a word, and he also doesn’t meet Chad’s eyes for a while, trying to gather his thoughts and decide where to begin. The waitress brings him a beer and he gratefully takes a long sip before having the courage to open his mouth. Since he has told Chad the truth about him, he takes an important decision to share his deepest secret as well.

“When I was 11 years old, I met a boy at a summer camp.” Jared starts, his voice no more than a whisper, and Chad instantly makes eye contact with him. “Just to be clear, before you ask, it wasn’t you. You were there as well, but I’m talking about someone else. I’m gonna sum up this whole thing so I can get to the point. I met a boy that summer, and he changed me. I felt something for him, when I was only 11, that I couldn’t explain. I didn’t understand what I was feeling and it scared the hell out of me. I would think about him instead of girls, and I knew it was wrong. Back home, I asked my mom and my brother what it meant and if that was okay, and both of them said it was wrong, that I would be a sinner and a freak if I were like that, and I could never bring that up again. My mom said it was a phase and I’d get over it.”

“The truth is Chad, I never did. I could never forget the boy, for the past 12 years all I could think about was him. I tried, you know I did, I dated girls but I could never feel a damn thing. And I felt so fucking wrong, like I was committing a sin, I felt dirty. As the years passed, I understood my feelings for him, and that it meant I liked boys instead of girls, and I never knew how to deal with it. I could never talk to anyone about it. And I felt so fucking alone.”

Jared hadn’t realized there were tears in his eyes and that his voice was wavering, and he notices Chad’s eyes are brighter as well. His friend is silent for a while and Jared just waits. For a punch, for him to tell he’s moving out, that he cannot live with a freak in the same apartment.

“Why did you never tell me, Jared?” Chad’s voice breaks at the end and Jared feels even worse.

“Because… I didn’t know how you would react. I wanted to tell you Chad, I swear I did, but I was so fucking afraid! I was terrified I was gonna lose you too if you found out who I was, like I’ve lost a lot of other things in my life. I couldn’t risk losing you.”

Jared buries his face in his arms, his whole body shaking and he tries to brace himself for what’s to come. He feels a hand grabbing his arm and slowly looks up to find suspicious red eyes looking at him.

“Jare… I’m upset you hid this from me all these years, such an important part of your life that I never knew about… I’m fucking pissed and I wish you had trusted me and told me from the start, but dude… gimme some credit here, I would never be like that, okay? Look, you are not a sinner and you aren’t going to hell for who you are. That’s bullshit. I don’t give a fuck to what your family thinks, I’m not like them, It’s okay to like dudes. I don’t care and I’m still your best friend. Well, after I stop being pissed because you waited so long to tell me.”

Jared presses his fingers against his eyes as more tears fall. It’s like a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders, finally being able to share his secret with someone after all these years, and he feels so stupid for not doing it sooner. And he’s so fucking relieved Chad accepts him for what he is he doesn’t even have words. But apparently, Chad does.

“Hey, you think I’m a catch?” Chad smirks, giving Jared his best blue steel.

“You’re an idiot, Chad”, Jared laughs through his tears.

As they walk back home together after having some more beers, Chad puts an arm around Jared’s shoulders.

“So what’s the deal with that Jensen dude, huh?”

Jared shrugs. “I don’t know yet myself. It’s too complicated right now.”

Chad brings Jared closer to him. “It’s all gonna be alright, dude. You just wait and see. You’ll get your prince charming.”

Jared gives Chad a small smile, and feels grateful that the camp not only gave him Jack, but also the best friend he could ever ask for.



Jared wakes up on the following morning feeling as if he hasn’t slept at all. He spent pretty much the whole night tossing and turning, thinking about Jensen and the whole situation, and what he’s supposed to do now.

On one side, he was pretty fucking relieved for having shared his burden with someone, and for Chad being such a great friend and accepting him. When they arrived back home, Chad had cooked mac’n’cheese for both of them and they had watched some TV together. Chad hadn’t asked more questions and Jared appreciated it, since he wasn’t feeling like talking anymore. Because on the other side, his mind was running a mile a minute, thinking about Jensen and how to handle the whole thing.

It’s Christmas Eve, and as Jared leaves for the clinic, Chad goes downstairs with him, to catch a cab to the bus station. Jared wishes his friend a Merry Christmas and Chad slaps him on the back, which turns into a quick hug, then asks Jared to call him if he needs to talk, and Jared goes to work, feeling more and more anxious with every step he takes.

When he arrives, the first thing Jared does is ask Chris to have the one on one with Jensen that morning instead of him. He claims he’s having some issues at the moment, that it’s for the best, and Chris doesn’t asks questions, which is perfect. Jared knows he’s being a coward but he needs his time to gather courage and face Jensen, and he can’t do that during their one on one.

Jared avoids the common areas as much as he can during the day, which isn’t hard since things are in a hurry with the preparations for the Christmas Eve dinner happening later in the day. Jared had volunteered to stay longer than his usual shift to give an extra hand with the party and he doesn’t mind, since it was either that or staying home alone eating cold pizza.

Half an hour before dinner is scheduled to start, Jared decides he can’t postpone it any longer. He notices Rob is on kitchen duty, so that probably means Jensen is alone in his room, since the patients are supposed to be getting ready. So he slowly walks towards Jensen’s door and after taking a deep breath, he knocks and waits, his palms sweating.

Jensen opens the door and when he sees who’s there, his eyes widen. Both of them stare at each other for what feels like forever, but is probably only a minute, until Jared clears his throat.

“Hey Jensen… I was wondering if we could talk for a bit.”

Jensen is silent, studying Jared for a few heartbeats before giving a small nod and opening the door wider as an invitation. Jared walks past him, feeling the shorter man’s gaze on him as Jensen closes the door.

“I was wondering when you’d stop avoiding me.” Jensen’s voice isn’t angry but sad, and that burns a hole inside Jared’s heart. He turns towards the older man, trying to find the right words. He needs to do this, but it doesn’t mean it’s easy in any way. Jared chews his bottom lip and doesn’t meet Jensen’s eyes.

“Look Jensen… You’re an awesome guy and I really like you. I love hanging out with you and I really want to remain your friend once you leave here, but…”

Jared stops to take a deep breath and composing himself before continuing, but Jensen doesn’t let him.

“But…” He scoffs, repeating Jared’s last word. “We could never be together like that, because you don’t feel like that about me. I get it. You’re a good looking guy, smart, soon to be a psychologist, a whole future ahead of you. I’m a homeless junkie with a fucked up life and not one dollar to my name. It wasn’t hard to find out why you were avoiding me.”

Jared shakes his head, Jensen has got it all wrong. “No Jensen, I…”

“Jared, don’t.” Jensen stops him holding up a hand. “Don’t make this even worse… please.”

Jensen’s voice wavers a little in the end, and he quickly turns away from Jared his shoulders hunched. He feels tears forming behind his own eyes and he tries again.

“Jen…”

But Jensen won’t have it. He has one hand on the doorknob already when he replies in a husky voice.

“I’m gonna… just… go.”

Jared winces when the door closes behind Jensen.

He stays rooted in place for a few minutes, and then collapses on Jensen’s bed, holding his head between his large hands. He allows himself a few moments to recompose, before deciding to go looking for Jensen, hoping he didn’t go very far. Jensen has it all wrong, Jared doesn’t feel that way, instead… just the mere thought of letting Jensen go. That makes Jared reconsider his feelings, perhaps things aren’t as confusing as they seem.

Maybe this doesn’t have anything to do with Jack, but everything to do with… Jensen. And Jensen only.

Jared needs to find Jensen now.

Chapter 11