The Love That Remains - Chapter 11/22
Jared gets up from the bed and is about to head for the door and go search for Jensen, when he looks at the direction of Jensen’s nightstand and something shiny catches his eye, there’s something lying on the floor beside it. Jared approaches, and realizes it looks like a bracelet. He crouches down and picks it up, standing up again to exam it.
When Jared takes a closer look, all the air leaves his lungs. It’s just a simple bracelet, frayed as if it has been worn for years. But there’s something else.
Jared knows this bracelet.
It’s brown, with two braided leather cords and an infinite symbol in the middle. The color of the leather has long ago faded, but Jared is pretty sure it was a dark shade of brown once.
They are playing capture the flag at the camp. His team, the Milkshake Demons, was put in a large group among four other ones. Jared stays close to his own team members because it’s his first time playing it.
Halfway through it, he notices his bracelet is gone. Jared’s mom had given it to him for his 11th birthday, and he really liked the thing, wore it all the time. He starts looking for it, and other people help him, Jack included. They never find it. His mom was sad for a little while because he lost the bracelet, but he long ago forgot about the thing.
Jared is breathing hard and feeling faint, he falls down onto Jensen’s bed again, and the strength of the memory overpowers him. He hasn’t thought about his bracelet in such a long time, and now he has one that looks exactly like the one he lost in his hands. It has to be a huge coincidence, of course, it could never be the same one.
He suddenly remembers something, and after a few deep breaths to calm himself down, with trembling fingers he turns the bracelet around.
“Thanks Momma, I love it! I’m gonna wear it all the time!” Young Jared beams at his mom, holding the bracelet in his hands, beyond happy with his birthday present.
“Turn it around, J.T.!”, his momma says. “This one is specially made for you!”
In the back of the infinite symbol, there are two small letters engraved.
J.T.
Jared can’t breathe. He feels dizzy, the whole room is spinning. This is his bracelet, not a similar one. The bracelet his mother gave him all those years ago. And he lost it at the camp. Which means…
The person who found it had to be at the camp. And now it’s here.
Jared drops the bracelet as he puts both hands in his hair and tugs. The thought growing bigger, is too impossible, too fantastic to be true.
It cannot be.
Jared starts rifling through Jensen’s stuff, a faint hope he can find some answers there. He opens his drawer and finds Jensen’s small black notebook. In the back of his mind he knows he is violating Jensen’s privacy, but he’s too out of it to care.
His fingers are trembling so hard he can barely manage to open the notebook. In the first page, he finds something written in Jensen’s neat handwriting, and that’s when Jared notices his eyes are blurry because he has to wipe them in order to read what’s written in there.
J. Ackles
Jared feels as if the ground has opened below his feet, and he’s falling and falling. He stares at the two simple words, so many tears welling up in his eyes that everything becomes a huge blur. Jared finally understands why hearing Jensen’s last name had triggered something inside him.
J Ackles. Jackles.
Jack.
Jared drops the notebook and falls to the floor on his hands and knees, blind with tears, a wave of nausea engulfing him, and Jared has to fight hard not to throw up on the carpet.
Ever since he met Jack, Jared has dreamed about him, every single night. He has had all kind of different dreams, but not this. He wonders if this is a new one, if he’s finally going crazy. Because this, the reality before his eyes, it just cannot be, and yet it’s all laid out in front of him.
Jensen is Jack.
Jared starts to laugh hysterically at the thought, because it’s too ridiculous. After so many years missing him, crying for him, praying for him, he got Jack back and he didn’t even know it. Jack was here the whole time in front of him and Jared had no idea.
He kissed Jensen and felt guilty because it was like cheating on Jack, when it was Jack all along. Jared kissed Jack. How could he have been so blind?
More than ever, Jared needs to find him and make things right.
Jared grabs the bracelet and quickly puts it inside his pants pocket. He’s out of the door in seconds, finding Jensen - Jack - the only thing in his mind.
Jared walks past all the commotion in the common room where the tables are being set up, and goes out of the back door. The first place he thinks about looking for Jensen is the lake. Their spot. With every step, Jared prays that Jensen is there.
When he approaches the lake, he can see a tall, slim figure leaning against their tree.
It’s dark, but Jared knows it’s him. He has dreamed of him too many times. He approaches the tree from behind, he can see Jensen’s head bowed. It’s him. Jared stops right behind Jensen and breathes deeply to try and calm his nerves, at least a bit. When he speaks, he barely recognizes his husky voice as he asks what he has been waiting for way too long.
“Jack?”
It’s a simple question, and yet it holds 12 years of suppressed emotions, longing, suffering and pain.
Jensen’s back stiffens instantly. He slowly pushes away from the tree and turns around to face Jared. There are Christmas lights around all the trees and they make the whole place illuminated, so Jared can see Jensen clearly. When Jared’s eyes meet Jensen’s, he’s hit by a rush of feeling that’s so strong he has to fight to stay on his feet. He looks at Jensen’s face, really looks at it, and he just can’t believe he missed it. Jared always thought Jensen and Jack looked alike, but he told himself it was his brain playing tricks on him, showing things where there was nothing. But now, it’s like someone took a blindfold from his eyes, and for the first time, he can really see Jensen.
He can see Jack.
Jared tries to say something, he opens his mouth but nothing comes out. There aren’t words for this. He asked for it so many times, he prayed every night, and now that’s in front of him he doesn’t know what to do.
A few minutes or days pass, Jared isn’t sure, when Jensen’s hesitant voice breaks the silence.
“How do you know that name?”
Big, fat tears are running down Jared’s face, the notion that he’s looking at Jack, after so long, is too great for him to even start to comprehend. Instead of answering, he reaches into his pocket and takes out the bracelet, and shows it to Jensen, who widens his eyes in shock.
“My mom gave this to me when I turned 11. I lost it when I played capture the flag at a summer camp, and never found it again. Until now.”
Jared looks down at him expectantly. Jensen looks from the bracelet to Jared’s face and back again. His face is blank for a few seconds, and Jared can see the exact moment it dawns on him. Jensen opens his mouth a few times, but only a soft sigh comes out. He finally forces the words out, his voice so husky as if he’s fighting a big wave of emotion.
“J.T.?”
Jensen’s voice is no more than a whisper, and hearing this nickname coming from Jensen’s mouth, it’s like Jared is a little boy again again, talking to Jack for the first time.
Jack remembers him.
Jared can’t manage to find his own voice, so looking deeply into Jensen’s green eyes, he gives him the faintest of nods.
It’s like everything stops. They are 11 and 15 again, and no time has passed at all. They are at the camp, Jared is a bright eyed boy and Jack has blue hair and an attitude. Jared is amazed by him and he can’t explain why.
They look into each other’s eyes, hazel and green, and it’s like nothing has changed. Jared doesn’t care what happened to them, what happened to Jensen between Jack and now.
The blue-haired boy is in front of him and nothing else matters.
Jensen is the one who breaks the silence, shaking his head without taking his eyes off Jared, a frown on his face.
“I… I can’t believe this. You really are J.T.?”
Jared nods, fresh tears running down his face. “You remember me?”
Jensen’s mouth falls open, a fascinated look on his face. He hesitantly takes a step closer, as if he’s afraid Jared will disappear if he moves too suddenly. Very slowly, Jensen lifts his hand and light as a feather, touches Jared’s face. Jared closes his eyes and stays as still as possible, trying his best not to move a muscle even though he’s almost vibrating inside. Jensen’s touch burns his skin and Jared could die a happy man right now.
“God… you are real.” Jensen’s voice is barely a whisper and Jared leans into the touch of Jensen’s fingers and his warmth.
“Jack… Jensen... I. I don’t know what to say.” Jared struggles to find the words, when he finally opens his eyes and stare intensely at Jensen’s. “I missed you so much, can’t believe you’re here, after all this time. 12 years have passed, so much has happened since then, and now we’re here together again.”
Before Jared’s eyes, Jensen’s face slowly changes, his hand drops from Jared’s cheek and it’s like he’s waking up from a dream. He has a somewhat frightened look on his face. Jensen walks back a couple of steps, away from Jared. He tries to reach out for him but Jensen holds up a hand.
“No!” Jensen shouts as he puts more distance between himself and Jared. “Stay away, Jared! I’m not… I’m not him anymore! You need to stay away from me!”
Before Jared can understand what’s happening, Jensen is running fast, further and further away from him, and Jared is glued to the spot, hand on his face, his skin warm where Jensen’s fingers touched it.
When Jared pulls out of his daze, he can no longer see Jensen. He shakes his head, and sets in motion. He runs around the backyard, shouting Jensen’s name, but there’s nothing. Jared tries inside the building, where everyone is gathered as dinner is starting. He frantically looks everywhere, runs to Jensen’s bedroom but it’s empty. When Jared goes back to the common room, someone grabs his arms and he turns around.
“Jared, what the fuck is going on?” He is met with Chris’ worried face.
“Jensen is gone.” He replies, breathless. There’s no point lying to Chris.
“What do you mean, gone? What happened?” Chris frowns, letting go of Jared’s arm.
Jared really doesn’t have the time or energy to explain right now. “Chris, it’s a long story, but I need to find Jensen now, I’m sorry about the dinner.” Jared starts walking away. “I’ll let you know when I find him.”
Because if is not an option. After making sure Jensen isn’t anywhere inside the clinic, he can only assume that he managed to get out somehow. So Jared leaves the clinic to go search for Jensen on the streets, and he doesn’t care if it takes all night or all his life.
He is not gonna let Jack go again.
Jensen runs and runs, as fast as he can. He manages to climb over the fence at the clinic and escape to the streets and he’s been running ever since. He just needs to get away from there, as far as he can.
Away from Jared.
Jensen slows down when he arrives at a familiar park. He has been here countless times, has slept on many cold benches on a lot of nights. He chooses a bench under a tree and settles down, taking deep breaths to regain his composure. He’s used to running fast, his years on the street taught him that, but he has been out of practice for a couple of months now.
When the adrenaline fades and his body cools down, Jensen starts getting chilly. He’s only wearing a light long sleeved shirt, he wasn’t originally planning on going out since there was the dinner happening at the center, so he didn’t have the chance to grab his coat.This is a particularly cold night, colder than it usually gets this time of the year, so Jensen is pretty fucked. On top of everything else.
Trying to brace himself from the cold, his mind goes back to Jared. Jensen leans forward and hides his face in his hands, finally letting the tears fall down. He’s having a hard time wrapping his mind around the fact that Jared is J.T.. It’s too fantastic, something that happens only in movies. Of all people Jensen could have chosen to mug that day, he went for J.T.. And he hadn’t recognized him.
Jensen remembers the first time he saw J.T.. He was back at the camp, a place he loved, where he waited all year long to return to. A place he could go to stay away from home for a month. That was the best part. They were dividing the teams on the first night as usual, and Jensen was watching every camper that sat with him. He was a natural leader, welcoming each new member into their team and already thinking about names and strategies. When that boy with bright hazel eyes sat down, he was intrigued.
He was only a kid, 11, 12 years old tops. It had to be his first time at the camp, Jensen was positive he’d remember seeing him before. The boy seemed so frightened and out of place, Jensen had a sudden urge to protect him. Turned out he was a great addition to the team, since he was responsible for their first victory on that summer. Jensen couldn’t get his mind off that little boy, the night when they had the slow dance, Jensen looked at J.T. and had a sudden desire to dance with him. And that was seriously fucked up.
Jensen knew he was different. He had known for quite a while. Girls had no appeal to him, and when a boy from his school cornered him at the changing room after football practice once everyone was gone and kissed him, Jensen just knew. He freaked out and punched the guy, staying as far away from him as possible, but deep down he had enjoyed it, too much. But he was scared shitless, that wasn’t how things were supposed to go. His family, specially his father, would never accept him like this, they were very conservative.
And there was J.T. at that camp, and even though he was too young, Jensen felt himself being pulled towards the boy. He couldn’t explain it, it wasn’t anything physical, he just wanted to be close to J.T., he made him felt at peace. He enjoyed looking at his eyes and seeing his smile. When they watched the sunset and Jensen had to share a secret, he got so close. He wanted to tell J.T., nobody else knew, Jensen wanted him to know. But he was too weak, so he told only a half truth. Later when they were saying good bye and Jensen wrote a note on Jared’s booklet, he shared another part of his secret. He really hoped J.T. would understand someday, how much that boy had meant to him. He was sure J.T. would grow into a beautiful man, and he wished he was able to see it. It was wishful thinking, but he hoped for it anyway.
Jensen had looked forward seeing J.T. the next summer at camp, but his plans changed. In a moment of insanity, he thought it was a good idea to tell his parents he might like boys instead of girls. He was naive enough to believe they would support him, but he was wrong. His mom cried and his father yelled and yelled, telling him no son of his would be a fag and he could never accept it under his roof. Alan had grounded Jensen pretty much forever, put him in another school and forbid him from going to the camp. That was the hardest part for him, not going back to J.T.. Thinking about the boy was what made his days a bit better, and now he would never see him again.
The only thing Jensen had of him was a bracelet, they were playing capture the flag one day and Jensen saw the moment it fell from J.T.’s arm. He caught it, intending to give it back, but when he took a closer look and saw the initials there, he quickly shoved the thing deep in his pocket. He saw J.T. being upset about it, even helped him look for the bracelet and felt so bad, but mostly he wanted something to remind him of the younger boy. And he was glad he had kept it, because since he wasn’t seeing him anymore, at least he had something to remember him by.
Jensen had met a boy in his new school, Jason, and they would spend the afternoons studying in Jensen’s room. That lead naturally to kissing, touching, and eventually hand jobs and blowjobs. They kept it a secret, and Jensen enjoyed it a lot. He wasn’t in love with Jason or anything, but he cared for him and they had fun. Then one day, right after their graduation from high school, everything went to shit. They were in Jensen’s room as usual, he was blowing Jason and Jensen was so into it he hadn’t heard his parents coming home earlier or the knock on his door.
Jensen had never seen his father so enraged in his whole life. He pretty much threw Jason out of his house, and beat Jensen up until he was bleeding on the floor. He screamed and screamed, claiming that Jensen was no longer his son. Alan said he was leaving the house and didn’t want to see Jensen there anymore when he returned. His mom cried the entire time, and refused to look at him. While Jensen hastily packed some of his belongings, his whole body hurting and no idea where he could go, Donna told him she had talked to her aunt who lived in Tulsa and she had agreed to take him in. With no other option he accepted, gathering his meager savings, the money his mother gave him for the bus, and he left. He was alone in the street with a backpack, his ever present guitar and an unknown destination. His mother didn’t even say good bye, Jensen knew she hated him as well. His siblings weren’t at home, but he was sure once they found out the truth, they would loathe him too.
Things don’t get better for Jensen in Tulsa. He gets a job cleaning tables at a local bar and starts community college, it is actually nice, but his aunt isn’t very fond of him. She is as conservative and close-minded as his parents, and Jensen has to hide from her as well. That eventually ends up getting to him, having to always pretend to be someone he wasn’t, so he lost it. He started smoking pot and hanging out with the wrong crowd, getting himself into trouble more often than not. Jensen lasted 2 years in that house, until it became unbearable. He left one night, only with his backpack and guitar, and without a word of goodbye. With his money from the job at the bar, he rented a small room for himself. When he couldn’t afford it anymore, he went to live with a roommate. He lost his job and started crashing at some friends’ places, but he eventually ran out of friends.
With nowhere else to go, he used almost all the money he still had left to get a bus back to Dallas. Not because he intended on going back home, but because he figured that way he had a chance of being closer to J.T., if the boy was still in Texas somewhere. It was stupid, but J.T. was the only thing that kept Jensen going. The image of that little boy, with bright eyes, full of hope. Sometimes he wondered if it had been all a dream, if J.T. was actually real or not. But then he’d look at the bracelet that never left his arm, and he knew that he had been happy once. Jensen knew his chances of finding J.T. were close to none, but being back in Texas felt like being closer to the boy somehow.
That’s when Jensen started living in the streets. He’d sleep on benches in the park, under bridges, anywhere he could find. He met some other homeless people and they stuck together sometimes but often he was completely alone. On some nights he’d go to a shelter for a night in a bed and a shower. He started playing on the streets or at the subway in exchange of money, and that’s when he got addicted to antidepressants. It felt good, made him numb enough to forget the pain, so he’d spend pretty much all of his money on them.
One day, one of his street buddies introduced him to meth, and that was pretty much the end for Jensen. Because the first time he snorted it, he had an hallucination. He saw J.T.’s face. And it felt so damn good. He couldn’t get enough meth after that, always trying to find a way to see J.T. again. And he wasn’t making enough money to support his addiction with his music. When Jensen pawned his guitar, his beloved guitar so he had money to get more meth, he knew he had lost it. But at the same time, he didn’t care anymore. He started mugging people, and eventually going to run-down gay clubs to find half hard men coming out, willing to give him a little bag of his heaven in exchange of a blow job in the dark alley.
That was the lowest Jensen went. While he was doing it, his brain would shut down and Jensen would think about J.T., he was his escape, his safe haven. That behavior went on until one guy got too excited, his first time at a gay club, probably clueless wife and 2.5 kids waiting at home, and nearly raped him. Jensen had punched him and ran away. After that, he sticked to mugging.
Jensen didn’t have any hope for himself anymore, he was just surviving, there was no light at the end of the deep tunnel he was in. Until one night, when he mugged a tall dude with shaggy brown hair, because he had run out of meth two days before and was desperate. He got caught again and taken to the station, nothing new there. He had spent a few nights in jail before so he wasn’t crying about it, his only worry having to wait longer to get his crank.
But then, the very same guy he had mugged offered help. The first time Jensen saw Jared’s face and heard his voice, he felt something he hadn’t felt in so long. He felt something good, he felt warmth inside where there had been only coldness. He wanted to be close to Jared for an unknown reason, so he accepted his offer.
Jared was his light when things got rough, when his withdrawal had hit hard and Jensen was desperate and panicking, Jared kept him sane. Even when Jensen got desperate and out of his mind, enough to attempt suicide, Jared was the one to save him. Jared was his only constant, the highlight of his day, the reason Jensen actually wanted to get better for the first time in his life. Jared reminded him of that little boy, especially his eyes, and maybe that was the reason but Jensen didn’t care. Jared became his sun, he saved Jensen in more than one way.
Jensen didn’t realize that he was falling in love with Jared until it was too late. It was as natural as breathing. He just felt it and it seemed right. But he knew Jared would never feel the same way for a homeless drug addict, a nobody. It was enough having Jared around. At the party, Jensen had seen the guitar and it was stronger than him. The song came naturally, a way to tell what he was feeling inside, how Jared was everything and he was nothing.
After they kissed, Jensen just knew. For the first time since J.T., Jensen had real feelings for someone, he wanted to be with someone, he wanted Jared so badly it hurt. But Jared freaked out and disappeared, and Jensen knew it was a lost cause. It was a matter of time until he lost Jared forever, maybe he had already, and he didn’t know what to do, nothing made sense anymore and he felt a sudden and strong urge to go back to the streets and get himself some crank, but he was going to be stronger. He had promised Jared.
Jared had really dismissed him and that hurt a thousand times more than the withdrawal process he had gone through. It felt like being stabbed right in the heart, over and over. But he knew he couldn’t expect anything different. And then, against all odds, Jared came to him and called him Jack. God, he hadn’t used that name in years.
Finding out Jared was J.T. was the biggest shock of Jensen’s life. Maybe deep down he had always known, it was like the final piece of the puzzle was in place. It felt like a dream, the biggest dream of Jensen’s life had come true in front of his eyes. He couldn’t believe that this big strong, kind man was his boy. But he was all that the boy was, only better. Touching J.T.’s face, feeling his warm skin after so many years, having that boy finally in front of him again, was more than Jensen could take.
But reality came crashing down on him. Jared also remembered him, and he was emotional with seeing Jensen again, but things had changed over the past 12 years. Jack, that boy that Jared met and was full of dreams and had a bright future ahead of him didn’t exist anymore. In his place, was a man with no perspective, no money, no place to live, an awful past and a nasty addiction.
Jensen isn’t worthy of Jared and he’s very much aware of that. That’s why he ran. Jared has a future ahead of him, he deserves someone who can give him everything he needs. Finding J.T. again only to lose him right after, hurts Jensen way deeper than the cold that has now settled in his bones. But he knows it’s for the best. Jared deserves so much more. And strangely enough, Jensen’s at peace with that. Of course the pain he feels right now will never leave him, but he finally knows how J.T. looks like all grown up, and that’s what he wished for. All he wants is for Jared to be happy.
Jensen lies down on the bench, and damn it’s so cold.
But the only thing he can think of, what he can see when he closes his eyes, is the beautiful man, inside and out, that J.T. has become. He smiles.
Chapter 12