"Singularity" Chapter 47: "Together Enough" [47/49]
Title: "Singularity" Chapter 47: "Together Enough" [47/49]
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 8,787
Rating (for fic as a whole): R
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Now I KNOW I'm dreaming... Spirit AND Joel?! No fucking way...
But Ellie vaguely heard Annie and Joel exchanging greetings... heard Annie saying something about taking the horses back to the stables... something about giving the two of them a chance to talk... I think this might actually be happening? Her brain registered that Annie had just gone back into the yard to fetch the other horse...
...and Joel is fucking STANDING RIGHT THERE.
He seemed to be frozen in place.
I must be frozen, too... I can't even see him that well, but I can't stop staring... can't make my mouth work...
Spirit nudged her cheek with enough oomph that she had to kind of catch herself... and she finally dislodged herself from that weird head space. In her head, reuniting with Joel always involved leaping into his arms, and yet here she was, just standing there like it was no big deal. What's wrong with me?
She just... couldn't. Although it wasn't like he was running right up to her, either! She turned her attention back to the horse, running her hands over his ears... rubbing them the way he liked. Sorry he's stealing your thunder, boy, but HOLY FUCKING SHIT. "Where did you find him?" she called to Joel, like this was any other casual conversation. I can ask him things now! Because he was right fucking there and fuck, I guess it would've been nice to say HI to him first--
"Idaho. Only a few days from here. I asked him where he'd been all this time, too, but he wouldn't give me a straight answer."
A horrible thought occurred to Ellie: had Joel only come back to deliver Spirit? Was he not really back-back? He's still standing kind of far away...
"You look good," Joel told her.
She thought she probably looked the same as when he'd left, except maybe her hair was a little longer... but she had it in a ponytail today so the length wasn't super obvious. She had no idea what to say. None. Fuck, I can't even talk to him anymore? She was grateful she had Spirit right there to bump noses with. She rubbed his neck appreciatively. "Wish I had an apple or something to give you," she murmured to him... low enough that Joel would just have to fucking move out of that shadow and come closer if he wanted to hear. "I'm so happy to see you, boy! So glad you came back. You better not ever leave me again, okay? You promise? ...Ahhhh I'm not letting you go anyway! Whether you like it or not!" She hugged the horse fiercely, burying her face in his sweet mane (the scent always made her think of sunshine). And all of a sudden, she was fighting the urge to cry. No... no TEARS, for fuck's sake... Annie's coming back now... you're okay...
"Ummmmm I guess I don't need to ask if you want me to take Spirit home or not?" Annie chuckled.
The remark was enough to ward off the stupid tears, at least for now. Ellie turned and smiled at her friend. "No way. He's staying with me. I... might bring him by later."
Annie actually looked like she might cry, too! She gave Ellie a quick hug. "So happy for you!" she whispered excitedly.
"Don't be happy yet," Ellie warned her softly. "But... thanks. Me too. I hope."
Annie pulled back, all smiles... then turned to Joel and gasped. "What happened to you?"
WHAT?! Ellie looked in Joel's direction again. He had finally moved closer, into the sunlight...
"Nothin'. I'm fine. It was just a bullet whizzin' by."
Ellie gaped at him. "A bullet that fucking took off half your ear!"
"Just a flesh wound. No big deal. My modelin' days are long gone anyhow."
Annie laughed. "You can grow your hair out a little... after it fully heals? Just cover it right up!"
"He hates feeling hair over his ears," Ellie told her, noting that it had definitely been trimmed since she last saw him. "That's how we'd know it was time for a haircut." I guess he won't feel it on that side anymore, though -- UGH, it looks awful!
"Long hair... just ain't a good look at my age," Joel added. "More gray... and it gets all wispy-like..."
"Did you go to the clinic?" Annie asked.
Ellie knew the answer to that one.
"Nah," he replied. "I took care of it myself. It's healin' up all right."
Ellie's mind went a little fuzzy again as she looked him over. She didn't hear exactly what Joel and Annie said to each other before Annie mounted her horse and rode off, leading the horse Ellie had been riding earlier. It was something about Esther sending him down this street to find them... a dinner invitation for both of them... Ellie couldn't quite absorb such inconsequential chatter because she had too many questions bubbling up in her mind: Who was shooting at him? Hunters? Fuck... he could've DIED... how close was that bullet to hitting his BRAIN... when did it happen? Where was I? What was I doing at the time while poor Joel was getting his ear blown off? Probably something totally inane... I'll never know... how weird. I'm supposed to be WITH him for that shit--
"Do you wanna go sit... somewhere?" Joel asked her; they were alone at last (not counting Spirit). "Sit an' talk?"
Well... that depends, Joel. Are you dumping me? Or... even if you're not -- yet -- are you leaving again? Do you need more time? "Sure." FUCK--
"Good thing you were out here instead of in the library. Made for a nicer surprise... with the horse an' all. And... it's quiet here. More private."
Shit... why do you want it to be private? I mean... that could be GOOD, obviously, if we're... but maybe you just don't wanna cause a scene, when you take my broken heart and shred it into even tinier pieces?
"I reckon it should be outside, 'cause Spirit don't seem to wanna leave you alone," he observed.
I hope he's not the only one! Ellie tried to smile. "Yeah. Um... not in that yard, though. Let's go next door." Sitting on that swing with Joel would be nice, but if things didn't go well... Ellie just didn't want that beautiful yard ruined. Better to sit in some random other place.
"I s'pose we could go to the rendezvous house," Joel suggested. "But... next door is good. It's... closer."
Why would he bring that up? Is that good or bad, that he's remembering our little secret meetings there?! ...Good, I think? It was kind of a pain in the ass, but once we were THERE... Ellie stupidly just noticed something else for the first time as they walked, with Spirit between them. "Did you ride him here bareback?" He hadn't been saddled when he disappeared!
"Yep. Had no choice. Lucky for me he still had his headgear on... made it a little easier."
And while she was noticing things... she noticed that he didn't have his backpack, which she was sure he'd taken with him. He didn't have that just-off-the-road look to him, either. It looked like he had washed his face. Maybe even changed his clothes. Also, he didn't stink. Spirit's proximity was possibly masking his scent -- and Spirit smelled horsey-good like always! -- but she still thought she would be able to tell if he'd come straight from the road. So he went home first? He doesn't have his key, though... oh -- right -- he went to the farm. Maybe he cleaned up a little there, after Esther told him I'd gone out riding with Annie. His hair's not wet, so he didn't take a shower... unless he actually DRIED his hair, too... he never does that, though... was he trying to look good for me? Or is he planning on leaving again right away, so he figured he'd better wash up a little before he goes? Like, before he sees me, in case I freak out on him and he has to make as quick a getaway as he can? He doesn't know I vowed NOT to do that. To totally respect his decision. ...FUCK, can I actually do that? He's been here like FIVE MINUTES and I haven't even touched him or anything to make sure that he's REAL but already I can't stand the thought of him leaving again!
Joel must have noticed how quiet and strange she was being, but he didn't acknowledge it. They barely said a word to each other while trying to find a place to sit in the next backyard. There was one lonely plastic chair (and Ellie did not make a joke about both of them sitting in it and possibly breaking it), no benches or couches or anything...
"How 'bout in here?" Joel was... pushing some kind of cover off of a big square thing at the end of the patio. "It's actually pretty clean under here. Bit different without the water, of course..."
Just like boats... Ellie remembered a similar comment he'd made a million years ago. When she was just barely starting to get to know him. How can I feel weirder around him NOW than I did back then? This wasn't a boat, though. "Is that a..."
"A hot tub, yes. Jacuzzi... spa... different names for it."
Hmmm... kind of intimate? Not like cuddling on a couch, but we'll be pretty close to each other... "Okay. What about Spirit?" She looked around for something to hitch him to, because she sure as fuck wasn't going to let him run away on her -- even Inside!
"He's fine. Just let him be. He won't go that far from you, I don't think. Hell -- he don't even like me, but he was downright clingy on the way back."
Ellie chuckled. "He likes you, silly."
Joel looked at her for a long moment... and Ellie wished to God she knew what he was thinking. I used to be so good at that! Fuck!
"Why don't you sit... there, on the far side... and I'll sit to your right. That way you don't gotta get an eyeful every time you--"
"Oh my God, Joel, do you think I care about... not seeing..." She sighed. "I'm just glad you weren't killed." ...Understatement of the year?!
"Still. Humor me."
She climbed into the tub and sat where he'd indicated. Poor Joel... he's not VAIN, like... at ALL... but he's gotta be at least a little self-conscious about this one? It's so... noticeable. So... not-normal-looking. She wanted to ask him about it - how it happened, what it felt like, if it affected his hearing... all that stuff. She wanted to ask him all kinds of things about where he’d been, what he’d done... what he was thinking right now... but she asked nothing. She idly wondered if he had made her get in first so he could decide how much of a gap to keep between them. He was sitting far enough away that she could almost kick him if she extended her leg, but not quite.
...I still don't know what to fucking SAY to him... but Joel didn't seem to know what to say, either. He didn't seem particularly anxious about it, however. No way did he feel as anxious as Ellie did right now!
"Where's your gun at?" he asked.
That was the first thing he chose to ask her.
...Of course it is. That's so JOEL. Oh how I've missed him! She couldn't even pretend to be annoyed enough to give him shit. "I guess it's... over by the gate next door. I had it in my hand when I went out front to investigate the noise we heard -- I swear! -- and then I guess I dropped it when I saw Spirit." She was surprised he hadn't noticed it on the ground himself, actually... maybe Spirit was blocking his view...
"All right. I'll go--"
"Don't you dare!" Ellie slid closer to the steps to block his path if necessary. ...Like he couldn't just hop over the side if he really wanted to leave?
He chuckled. "I was just gonna grab it an' come right back."
"Just leave it. No one's gonna find it there, and... if this yard just happens to get overrun with Infected while we're here, you can just toss me one of yours. ...Do you really only have two on you right now?"
"Yep. Left most of my shit down at the farm. ...All right, as long as you don't forget to grab it later."
Ellie smiled. "I might forget, but you won't."
Joel returned the smile. "Sure have missed seein' that pretty smile of yours."
That innocent remark made her blush for some reason. "You have?" AWESOME!!!
"Mmhmm. Seein' you in general, really."
Happy as she was that he was saying these things, Ellie felt like her heart was being squeezed by an iron fist. ...Along with my lungs, cuz it's kinda hard to breathe! She bit her lip.
"What's wrong?" He actually fucking asked her that.
She laughed mirthlessly. "Gee, I dunno... everything?!"
"...Can you be a little more specific?"
Is he amused right now? Fucking-- aaarrggghhh! "How can you be so-- so--" She didn't even know how to articulate what he was. Calm probably came close... nonchalant... cavalier...
"So... what?" he prompted her.
"Are you leaving again?" she blurted. "Sorry -- you don't -- it's okay if you -- ugghh. Sorry. I just... kind of need to know that first, I guess."
"First? First before what?"
"Before... anything! If you're just gonna leave again, then... I dunno." She scooted back into her original seat. Farther away from him.
"I don' know what I'm gonna do yet," he told her.
At least he's being honest? Not making promises he couldn't keep. But that old... helpless feeling started to creep up on her. Once again, he had all the control. Their fate was up to him. She had no say in what happened next.
"It depends on you," he added.
...OH. Well... that was better, right? So she did have some control. If she said and did the right things, he would stay? ...For how long? And what exactly were the right things? She wanted to ask him, but sometimes he got annoyed when she asked him things like that, and she definitely didn't want to annoy him right now.
But... fuck... it was okay to ask for clarification, wasn't it? "Um... how does it depend on me?" She braced herself for a frown, a sigh... some sign of irritation...
"I don't wanna make things harder for you," he replied. Without frowning or sighing or doing anything else that might indicate he was irritated with her for asking. "If you're... I don' know... ..."
"If I'm what?" What a fucking awkward conversation this is!
"In a better place now, I guess is what I mean."
...Huh? Does he mean better without HIM? Um... NO. HELL no, in fact. "So... you're breaking up with me... for real this time? Or..." Please please PLEASE be all eager to reassure me that you're NOT!
He was... the opposite of eager. He just sat there, looking at her. Studying her. "Is that what you want?"
"No!" No hesitation on her end! "That's not what I want. Not at all. But what I want doesn't seem to matter, so--" --Fuck! Jesus, Ellie, shut the fuck up -- you can't SAY bitchy things like that if you want him to--
"I'm sorry," he said quietly.
She wondered what he was sorry for. Cuz... she could think of a few things! But he probably just said that because of that snide little remark... "No, I'm sorry. I totally get that you need... time, or whatever. -I just missed you," she added. "A lot."
"Not half as much as I missed you," Joel replied.
Ellie couldn't let herself get too excited when he said things like that... because he always said that he loved her. Just... it wasn't like that factored into his decision-making, most of the time. "What do you want?" Oh God, did I really just flat out ASK him that?
He didn't even answer. "So. You ain't... uh... ..."
Ellie almost snapped at him for turning it back around on her -- and not even smoothly, at that -- but she held her tongue... and waited.
"Are you seein' anyone else?" he asked, his expression as blank as she'd ever seen it.
This was the perfect opportunity to make him jealous as fuck... but what if he isn't? He TOLD me to 'see other people,' pretty much... Still. Ellie wasn't going to lie to him; she could see how it might totally backfire. "No. I told you -- you're the only one I love. I don't want anyone else. I never will. So if you don't want us to be together--"
"I do. I do want that."
...To NOT be together? Or to be together? Maybe the wording was a little ambiguous... but Ellie could tell what he meant -- she heard it more in his voice than she saw it in his expression. Still, just in case, I better ask him-- "So does that mean... you still love me?"
His face finally melted into that adoring look she'd been missing so much! "Of course I do. Never stopped."
She swallowed a lump in her throat. "And you're still... you know... in love with me?"
"Yes. Very much."
"Really?" Her voice actually squeaked when she asked -- and she knew she was smiling like an idiot.
"Really." Joel was smiling, too...
Her head was still reminding her that this might not fucking mean anything... but...
But!
Fuck it!
Ellie launched herself at him, her arms circling his neck, and he pulled her fully into his lap. His arms clutched her so tight she could barely breathe (in a good way, this time!). It was what she'd wanted for so fucking long... it was exhilarating! And... overwhelming, really, because she went straight from gleeful, breathless giggles to hiccuping sobs.
"I hope those are happy tears," Joel murmured into her hair.
I hope they are, too! It was funny how she didn't know for sure. But she felt like she could breathe again. Like she could feel how much he loved her. The longer he held her, the more certain she felt that happy tears were indeed warranted -- because surely Joel wouldn't be so cruel as to let her make the normal assumptions based on his words, not bothering to 'set her straight' and explain his weird Joel logic, where "I love you" and "I want to be with you" didn't necessarily translate to "I ain't leaving town again."
No, he's not CRUEL like that... but he might be totally clueless?
She not-so-surreptitiously wiped her face on his shirt before pulling back enough to look him in the eye. Before she could ask him anything, though, he cupped her face in his hands and kissed her!
Or tried to, anyway. She did kiss him back, but she couldn't stop smiling, and it was hard to effectively kiss a person and smile at the same time. Joel sighed happily, leaning his forehead against hers -- and he was all smiley, too. "God, I've missed you. I don' know how I ever managed to leave."
"Twice!" she teased. "I don't know how you did, either!" Being mad at me probably helped, the second time... She was enjoying his fingers threading through her hair, so she yanked her hair tie out to give him more to play with (the tie was stretched out enough that she could wear it on her wrist like a bracelet for safekeeping).
"Did I miss our anniversary?" he asked, pulling back just a smidge.
Aww! He remembered! "Yeah... it's okay. We can celebrate it now! If that's... if you want, I mean. I was gonna ask... before I get all carried away... um, too late for that, really, but... yeah..."
He didn't even seem to have heard her. He was petting her hair, and like... examining her. From the neck up, anyway. "You... are so beautiful."
Double aww! Ellie ducked into his shoulder. "Whatever..."
"You are. I should tell you more often." He resumed crushing her into his chest.
Ellie giggled. "Yes, you should. You should tell me every day. No -- every hour of every day. You know why? Cuz that means I'd see you at least once every hour of every day, like... forever!"
"Mm. Good plan. What about when we're sleepin'? Do I gotta wake you up every hour to tell you?"
Ellie pondered this. "Umm... nah, cuz I won't stay beautiful if I don't get my beauty sleep, right? You can either do extra before we go to sleep or when we wake up. Your choice. Just--" A nose at the back of her head arrested that thought -- and it wasn't Joel's. She twisted around and giggled at the sight of the horse leaning over the hot tub. "I think Spirit wants a group hug!"
She managed to get an arm around each of them at once, but Joel just reached out and patted Spirit's neck, keeping one arm securely around her. "You should've seen him, kiddo. When I saw him... -when he saw me, he was lookin' all around... like 'Where's Ellie at? Where you hidin' her?' I swear he gave me the dirtiest look when I told him you weren't with me."
"Ha!" She knew he was teasing, but Ellie could actually imagine that. "How long have you had him?"
"I brought him straight here. Well, almost -- headed back here the day after."
Here's another opportunity to ask him... She returned her hand to its former resting place on Joel's shoulder. "Okay, wait. Does that mean... you weren't actually coming back yet? Like... you weren't ready?"
"Uh... more like, if ever there was a sign I should go back, this was it. Findin' your horse -- completely on accident."
Ellie looked at Spirit and smiled sadly. "He wasn't actually mine, you know. And I was upset when we lost him, yeah, but like... I made peace with it. I liked to think he was happier being free." She vowed to talk to Esther about how to use him. If being out in the wild had actually somehow mellowed him out (was that even possible?), maybe he would be easier for people to handle and he could do trips and stuff instead of farm work, which he'd never taken too kindly to. If we get working tractors for the farms like the military's promising, chances are good! She also couldn't help wondering how many hunters had tried to steal him... had any of them been successful, or had he balked at everyone's advances until Joel came along? Back to the matter at hand-- she turned back to Joel. "I never felt like that about you being gone, you know. It wasn't something I could like... make peace with."
He gave her the sweetest little kiss. "I'm sorry. I know you didn't really understand why I left... I'm sorry it hurt you, but I do think it was the right thing to do at the time. I needed some space."
Ellie nodded. "I know. You were pissed. You had every right to be."
"No, see, that ain't... it wasn't the main thing, anyhow. I told you not to beat yourself up over all that."
"I know! I know. I didn't... much. But does that mean... can you ever forgive me?" Her voice went all small when she asked.
He smoothed her hair back... cupped her cheek... smiled at her fondly. "Yes. I understand why you... did what you did. How it kinda snowballed on you. I drove you to--"
"No, Joel, stop that! Don't blame yourself. You made a decision, and I should've respected it. This time... I totally will. If you need more time to think about stuff, I'm cool with it." ...Amazing how easy that is to say when he's acting like he can't stand the thought of leaving again!
"Thank you, baby girl. That means a lot to me." He drew her in for another kiss. "But I think I've been away long enough."
Yes! "Really?"
"Mmhmm."
She hugged his neck again. "I love you soooooo much!"
He chuckled. "Love you, too."
"Squeeze me as hard as you--" She couldn't even finish the request because he did exactly that, cutting off her air supply for a moment before relaxing his grip.
"Don' know why that's so fun for you..."
She giggled. "Oh, you like it, too!"
"I just like bein' close to you. Like this."
He did seem to be extra... cuddly? Like he wasn't content to just hold her -- he had to rub her arm or pet her hair or touch her face. Like we're not TOGETHER ENOUGH otherwise... aww...
"Listen," he continued. "This tub ain't that comfortable without the water. What do you say we--"
"No! We can't leave!" Ellie protested. "This might just be a dream -- and if we go home, we'll wake up!"
"...Is that how it works?"
"Uh-huh!"
"Mm. I seem to recall you felt that way after we kissed for the first time, too... turns out it wasn't a dream. We went home--"
"But so much has happened since then! This is different!"
"Is it?"
"Yeeees!" she giggled.
"All right, maybe we'd better stay, then."
"But-- if it's uncomfortable -- here, I'll just sit like--"
"You're fine right where you're at," he assured her, holding her snugly in place in his lap. "But... there are some things we oughta talk about."
She pouted. "You wanna wake up from the dream already?"
"Yes. Because reality... ain't all that bad, as long as we're together, yeah?"
"Totally," she beamed at him. "Remember where you go, I go? Can we get back to that? Pleeeease?"
"I do remember that, yes. Back when we thought ten days was a long time to be apart. As far as leavin' town goes? Absolutely."
"Okay, good. That's what it was meant to be about." And you promised that you wouldn't leave town unless I left with you...
"Forget about me forgivin' you: can you ever forgive me? For... not rememberin' that when it counted?"
He just read my mind! "I think you did remember it. You just... started doubting that it was the right thing to do. I'll forgive you if you swear that you'll never do it again."
Joel actually had to think about that, which scared her a little.
"Can you really not promise that right now?" she marveled.
"Oh, I can promise... swear... what-have-you. I can mean it, too. But will you believe it."
"Yes!"
He snorted. "How can you be so sure? I think you're foolin' yourself. I think deep down--"
"I know, I know -- I actually thought the same thing, before... this. Before you came back and... let me touch you, and kiss you... and hug you and everything... now it's all real again." ...What am I even trying to say?
"I don't follow."
"Yeah... I kinda don't follow myself either. Ha! Um... okay. So, I forgive you, you forgive me, it's like starting over. Like we have a clean slate!" Thank you for that idea, Annie! "We forget everything from before. Start fresh."
"I do see the appeal in that."
"...I hear a 'but' in there..."
"But. I don't think it's that simple. We do have history... you ever heard of 'Those who don't remember the past are doomed to repeat it' ?"
"No. Those who don't..." She turned the phrase over in her mind. "You don't want to forget all the bad stuff?"
"I think... it's easy to forget it sometimes, when things are good..."
"Like now?"
"Yes. Now is good."
"Fuck, how I wish we could just freeze this moment in time... just stay here forever!"
"Ha. You're goin' backwards on the realism scale now, kiddo."
"I know, but... God, don't you wish we could do that?!"
"...I think we have plenty of good moments in our future. We don' need to get stuck on this particular one."
"Good answer! Our future... I like the sound of that," Ellie said happily. "By the way -- if you ask me to marry you again? I would totally say yes next time. Just so you know."
Joel gave an awkward little chuckle. "Yeah, see, that right there..."
"Oh God -- I went too far. Sorry! Forget I said that. Really! That one should be wiped off the slate real easily cuz it was only there for two seconds! Right? Isn't that--"
"Relax," Joel said -- with a more normal-sounding chuckle. "That... is a good example of why we can't just wipe the slate totally clean. You've got it in your head that you've gotta be perfect, 'cause if you ain't perfect--"
"Nobody's perfect! I know that. I'm not trying to be!"
"All right, well, somethin' along those lines. There was nothin' wrong with what you said. It was real sweet, actually."
"It was? But you were so..."
"Askin' you... the way I did... was a mistake. I still feel bad about it."
"Oh, Joel, you shouldn't! And it wasn't a mistake--"
"It was. And I don't think either of us... can just forget everythin' that happened that day. You already had that... thing in your head, about bein' perfect -- or close to it -- 'cause of how you grew up. Whatever bit of love you could find... it was all conditional. Or it felt conditional to you, 'cause no one ever-- anyhow. Don't wanna get into all that again. What I'm sayin' is you had that in there, in your head, and I just... figured I could undo it. That if I just loved you enough--"
"You did undo it!"
"Maybe some, yes. Some of it. I did see a change in you... in your confidence. After a while. But whatever good I may have done? I prob'ly just undid it all. Put you right back where you started... if not before where you started. Right?"
She felt her chest tightening for some reason. FUCK, Ellie, just suck it up already! But she didn't trust herself to speak... or even look at him.
"Trust -- real trust -- takes a long time to build up," he continued. "And then... it shatters in an instant."
She wasn't sure what the difference was between real trust and... fake trust? ...but she didn't care to ask. "Okay, but... I've fucked up a lot. And you still love me. Isn't that what unconditional love is? So I can trust you. Because I know that."
"On one level, maybe. But your gut reaction is to panic. When you think you've messed up."
Ellie snorted. "So? Your gut reaction is to pull a gun any time someone looks at you funny. It doesn't mean anything."
"I don't do that," he smirked.
"Whatever -- you know what I'm saying. That's been a part of you for so long... hey, yeah, this is a good comparison! You've been Outside for a while, right? So you're going to be all jumpy and paranoid and stuff for a while, until you get used to being Inside again, and then you'll relax. But it's still there, if provoked. It's like part of who you are. It's not right or wrong... it just is."
"It's right if it saves our lives."
She rolled her eyes. "You get it, though, right?"
"I get it."
"I mean... you can't even blame me when I ask if you're leaving again and you say it depends on me. Meaning... if I don't act the way you want--"
"Whoa -- hang on. That ain't what I meant by that."
"It's not?"
"Nope. I just meant... if you wanted me around. If you had a new boyfriend or somethin'... or a girlfriend... thought maybe I wasn't gone long enough for it to... I don' know. I didn't want it to be like a Clicker situation. With him an' that little girl."
"Alyssa. They're pretty cute together, by the way." Maybe she would never be Alyssa's biggest fan, but Clicker was the one who had to put up with her! "I was gonna say you were right about that whole thing... but I think we both kind of were? Cuz I didn't actually leave town, and he still moved on." Of course, it did help that Ellie was never around anymore... but she omitted that little tidbit. "Anyways -- did you really think I would be with someone else? Seriously?"
"I didn' know what to expect, after the way we left things. Plus we've never been apart for a couple months... whatever it was..."
"Seventy-five days."
Joel blinked. "Damn. Are you bullshittin', or do you really--"
"I know how long it's been! Seventy-five-- er-- I guess seventy-four, because today would've been seventy-five, but you're here. Obviously."
"All right, so... a smidge longer than a couple months. I didn't think that would be long enough for you to... not have any feelin's left for me whatsoever--"
"Oh my God, Joel -- of course it's not long enough for that! Forever isn't long enough!"
He kissed the top of her head. "Sweet girl. I will admit... I am very glad you feel that way."
She beamed at him. "Good! Don't even say it's selfish, cuz it's not! It's just... love." And how lucky am I that HIS feelings didn't just go away once we were apart?!
"Whatever it is, whatever you wanna call it... all of it... I'm done fightin' it, an' feelin' bad about it."
"What? For reals?" ...Does that mean what I think it means?!
"For the most part. I can't say I'll never feel guilty about how young you are, how old I am..."
"Joel--"
"Just listen. It ain't ideal, that's for sure. It ain't what I would script for either of us, if it were up to me. Especially for you. But that don't change the fact that... it happened. And it's... real. Findin' someone you feel such a strong connection to... so powerful that it... ... You know what I mean. And for both of us to feel that way... about each other? It's a rare thing. It's... special. I've always known that... about you'n'me... I guess I just let other shit get in the way of it sometimes. But, no more."
Ellie's heart felt like it was going to explode or something. Like there was so much love in it, it was going to overflow. She hugged him... kissed him... cupped his face in her hands so she could stroke his beard with her thumbs (...and decided to ignore the fact that he flinched when her fingers approached the injured ear; she would just have to be mindful not to make him uncomfortable). "Does that mean you don't want us to hide it anymore?"
He sighed. "I don' know. I ain't lookin' to... upset the applecart here. Pretendin' out in public is prob'ly for the best. My brother, an' Maria... they run the show. They have certain... rules an' expectations. Pretendin' might not be good enough for them. They have good reason to want to protect you from--"
"Protect me from you? That's the biggest load of shit ever, and you know it!"
He smiled. "Generally-speakin', though. It ain't good for... ... -Someone my age, with someone your age, is pretty damn creepy."
"No it's not!" Ellie would never believe otherwise.
"You say that because this -- us -- ...it don't feel creepy to you. But we're the exception, not the rule. I think that... if Tommy feels so strongly about it that he feels like he has to separate us..."
She scowled. "Fuck that. Seriously, Joel -- fuck that! I am not going to be apart from you anymore. I won't let him separate us!"
"Oh you won't, huh? What exactly do you plan on doin'?" He seemed amused.
"Well... I dunno... whatever I have to!" She could work through little details like that later!
"Whatever you have to," Joel repeated. "You'd even... commit murder."
She rolled her eyes again. "No, I'm not gonna kill your brother, okay? But I'm not gonna just... do whatever he wants. I'm surprised he hasn't come and-- wait. Did you see him before you came here? Do you know something I don't know?"
"No. I did find out that he made it back okay, an' that the baby was fine... but I didn't go seek him out. He ain't nearly as snuggly as you are."
She giggled when he squeezed her. "Not as kissable, either..."
"Nope." He dutifully kissed her. "And nowhere near as pretty."
It hit her again, how amazing it was that she was sitting here with Joel, and he seemed to love her just as much as he ever had. He'd been gone for sooooooo long! "I forgot that you didn't even know about Tommy coming home. You prob'ly never saw him Outside cuz he went-- ...a different way." Thankfully, Dexter was home now, too. She didn't feel like giving Joel the run-down on all things Jackson just yet, though. "There's so much I wanna ask you about your trip! Like... where did you go -- just Idaho, or other places? Did you find Karma and Paul? What've you been doing all this time? How did you get hurt? Did you bring the jeep back?"
"Slow down," he chuckled. "I'll tell you all about it... later. I wanna hear what's been goin' on with you, too. But we have... other things to attend to."
She gave him a sly smile. "Hell yes we do -- have you ever done it in a hot tub before?"
"No, an' that ain't what I meant by--"
"Oh good! I can be your first!" She swiftly pivoted so that she was straddling him, then kissed him deeply, letting her mouth -- her tongue -- express how much she'd missed him.
He kissed her just as hungrily... but not for very long. "We can't, baby girl. I for one do not intend to let my brother catch us a second time. I assume one of the guards let him know I came through."
"He'd still have to find us," Ellie pointed out. "In this random backyard. Even if he finds out you went in this direction, is he gonna search every house? Every yard?"
"Maybe he will. ...You're still livin' with him'n'Maria, yeah?"
"Yeah. Which sucked at first, by the way. We sort of called a truce, eventually, but I can't... not be a little bit pissed at them. At Tommy, especially. But Grayson -- oh my God, Joel, you have to see him! He's so cute! And so big!"
"I bet he is. I'm sure we'll be seein' him -- all of 'em -- soon enough. But first... I wanna get things sorted out with you'n'me."
...Huh? "What's to sort?" she asked, perplexed. "We're together again. Together-together. Right?"
"Right..." It almost sounded like he was uncertain about that.
"But?"
"But... I don' know. We keep gettin'... derailed, or sidetracked... I think at some point I was gonna say we should take it slow..."
"How slow?" She didn't want to be a brat or anything, but he had said, once upon a time, that they wouldn't fucking go backwards.
"That's the thing. Now that we're together again... it kinda feels like no time has passed, don't it?"
"Pfff. Speak for yourself! You were gone foreeevvveeerrrrr--"
"I'm talkin' about right now. Things were maybe a little strained at first, but... that's all gone. This feels... completely natural, to me."
"Me too! Why shouldn't it? We still love each other."
"Guess I just wasn't expectin' it. 'Course, I've had a few days to think about how it was gonna go, seein' you again..."
How cute -- was he stressing about it? She smiled. "Did it go better than you thought?"
"Definitely. Which is why I'm wonderin' when the other shoe is gonna drop."
"Um... what do our shoes have to do with anything?"
"Nothin'." He looked at her... extra-adoringly? "You have no idea how much I missed you."
"I missed you more, cuz you're the one that left," Ellie reasoned.
"Is that how it works?"
"Yep. So... did you have trouble sleeping, too?"
"Oh yeah. Nights were the hardest."
"And mornings. When I'd wake up and like... forget, for a second..."
"Then you remember. Yeah, that was rough. I hope you didn't have that many nightmares." He winced. "Did you? Were they bad?"
"Um... I survived. Obviously. I actually..." ...God, should I tell him this? Kind of embarrassing...
"You actually what?"
"I just... couldn't stand being by myself, after. So sometimes I... went into Grayson's room and slept on the floor. Dumb, right? Like, how is this tiny little baby gonna make me feel safe?"
"But he did?"
"Yeah. It helped, just hearing him breathe."
"That ain't dumb at all. I'm sorry I wasn't there to help you."
She knew he meant it, but-- "You should've slept better without me waking you up with my nightmares!"
"No way. You kiddin' me? I was... in a bad way, not havin' you close."
"You had some bad dreams, too, huh." She almost apologized for not being there to help him, but then she remembered that it wasn't her fucking fault! She kissed him softly. "Oh -- I also spent the night with your brother a couple times."
"What?!"
She giggled at the outraged look on his face. "Don't worry, Maria was there, too. Maria caught me sleeping on Grayson's floor -- actually, the first time, she thought he woke me up cuz she found me in there with him when he started crying... and like, he did wake me up, but only cuz I was right there in his room! So I let her think that. But then next time, I told her the truth... she said I could come sleep in their bed if I had any more. I didn't at first cuz... I kind of had attitude towards them still? Cuz it was their fault I didn't have you to sleep with."
"You can't lay the blame entirely on--"
"Yeah yeah, I know. So one night, I did go in there... and it was totally dark, and I couldn't tell who was sleeping on which side. I didn't know whose side of the bed was whose. Which I prob'ly should have, cuz I've gone in their room to wake Maria up from a nap, but I swear she's slept on both sides-- anyways, I just went to the closest side and stayed as far over on the edge as I could. Or I tried to... but I needed more covers cuz I got cold so I did scoot in some, I guess? So, I fell back asleep and didn't have any more nightmares, and when I woke up, it was just starting to get light out... and I could see Tommy was next to me. Maria wasn't there. She was up with the baby." That was all true, except Ellie omitted the fact that she was pretty sure which side was Tommy's because she remembered from that awful day she'd woken him up to ask where Joel was.
"So you were in bed with my brother all by yourself," Joel smirked.
"Yeah, I guess I was. You jealous?" she teased.
"Yes. Very."
She looked at him soberly. "I wanted him to be you so bad, Joel. I just laid there and... wished he was you, basically." Actually, Joel didn't need to know this, but she had done a little more than that: she had tried to pretend Tommy was Joel. Despite deciding that it would never work, weeks earlier, she had fucking tried. She had closed her eyes and scooted in close enough that her arm was just barely grazing his, as she lay on her stomach. It had sort of worked, for a little while. Then she'd pretended to still be asleep when Tommy woke up. She had even arranged her hair to cover her face, and... well, to be a big old mess, really, in case that invited him to fix it for her... maybe pet it a little bit, the way Joel used to.
He didn't, though. He hadn't touched her at all. She thought she might have heard a little chuckle to himself, like under his breath, before he got up.
"It'll be me next time," Joel assured her.
"It better be!" She leaned into him, laying her head on his shoulder and nuzzling his neck. "You're definitely the best nightmare-chaser."
"I'll try not to let you have any more of 'em."
She would probably never know if she'd been having more bad dreams because Joel wasn't there to nip them in the bud, or because her subconscious was actually more disturbed when she wasn't with him. "It's not like I've had tons. Maybe like... once a week? Less than that, even."
"Still too many... at least you won't be alone anymore."
"So... we are going to sleep in the same bed, then?"
"Hopefully."
She sighed. "It's not together enough if we're not. If I'm sleeping down the hall from you, I'll just sneak--"
"No no, I meant... hopefully it'll be a bed." He squeezed her. "It sounds like we're on the same page here: we want to be together -- live together... be alone together, like a real couple... no matter the cost."
"...The cost?"
"Meanin'... even if we have to leave town."
"I don't care where we are. As long as I'm with you, I'm good."
"Yep -- same page. Hopefully it won't come to that."
"Yeah, cuz... if it does, would they be cool with that? I mean... if their whole thing is they have to protect me from you, why would they let us leave together?"
"You've already proven you can get outta here if you really want to," he reminded her. "But we'll cross that bridge if we come to it. And I... I won't let them keep us apart, this time. I know I've said that before an' then... not really done it... but I swear, Ellie..."
She pulled back to look at him, touched by... something in his voice. "Things are... different now?"
"I'm different. I had all this time to think... to figure shit out... and it felt like... I wasn't really doin' that. Wasn't gettin' anywhere. Like I kept... thinkin' in circles or somethin'. I was waitin' for... for a bolt of lightnin' to hit me, to make me suddenly have all the answers. Thing is... it never did. Spirit was the 'bolt' that got me headin' back in this direction, but I still had to make a decision." He paused... and to Ellie, it felt more like he was trying to find the right words rather than expecting her to weigh in, so she waited patiently for him to continue. "Eventually I realized... a couple things. One, that I needed to talk things through with you -- now that you've had time to do your own thinkin', without bein' influenced by me. That I can't just... unilaterally decide things all the time an' chalk it up to you bein' young. We have... an adult relationship, and you deserve to be treated like an adult."
She blushed with pleasure at that. "You don't decide everything," she said charitably. "I get that you're older... and have more experience and stuff. I mean, you know I don't always make the best decisions."
"Which is part of bein' young... growin' up. But maybe... maybe next time you'll tell me what's goin' on instead of tryin' to... I don' know..."
"Instead of doing something really stupid, you mean."
"All I've ever wanted to do is help you. But bein' so... my-way-or-the-highway about things created this... parental law type deal that you naturally want to--"
"Nooooo it's not like that!" she chuckled.
"Ain't it? At least a little? -Or are you tryin' to talk me out of seein' you more like an adult now?"
"No! Okay -- fine, I get it. I see what you're saying. I think you're just being too hard on yourself, as always. I like it when you tell me what to do. -Sometimes, anyway. I mean... if I make a really dumb decision, you're not just gonna go along with it, are you?"
"Uh... I s'pose not. If you come to me an' say you're gonna pretend to seduce a soldier who likes young--"
"Ugh! Yeah -- like that. I wasn't seducing him, by the way... but whatever. You would still stop me."
"Of course. Aside from that whole business, Monterey was... easy. We had no conflicts there. No adversity. Very little threat from the Outside. Biggest decisions we made were whether to snooze on the beach or play in the water. Or which song to request at campfire."
He was oversimplifying things a bit, but... fuck YEAH it was easy! "The good old days," she sighed.
"We were just there... what, four months ago?"
"Closer to five, really. They're over with now, so... yeah. Old."
"All right then. The good old days. You remember how everyone treated us?"
"Yeah. They loved us."
"They... at least tolerated us. No one saw fit to... tell me I was gonna ruin your life, or--"
"Because that's fucking bullshit!"
"Says you."
"...And you, right?!"
"For the most part."
"Ugh, Joel--"
"I know -- just listen. It was easy there, because... no one challenged me. I got real comfortable with it, real quick. Maybe finally crossin' that line... intimacy-wise... maybe that had somethin' to do with it, too. No goin' back from that."
"And there shouldn't be!"
"Right. Well... as soon as comin' back home became a... a real concept, not jus' somethin' on the horizon... I started havin' doubts again."
"What kind of doubts?"
"Like maybe I wasn't doin' right by you. That I needed to... think more about the long-term, instead of just livin' in the now."
"But--"
"Just let me finish, all right? It seemed like... the way things kept goin', it's like that notion was... reinforced. Validated."
"What things?"
"Not bein' able to keep you safe. That was one of my main justifications for bein' with you, and when it--"
"But you do!" she cried. "I'm safer with you than with anyone else! God, I wish you could like-- just be inside my brain, and see how much safer I feel when I'm with--"
"How you feel. It's an illusion."
"No it fucking isn't! I mean -- obviously you're not superhuman or anything, but I'm telling you, compared to--"
"All right all right -- it's beside the point anyhow. What I was gettin' at is... I'm done thinkin' that way. Thinkin' that... I have to justify it. I've had thoughts like that before, and I end up just writin' 'em off as bein' selfish, but... what if it ain't? Why can't it be enough that you love me back? Ain't that a good enough reason to be with--"
She cut him off with a kiss -- because she was just too excited not to kiss him for that!
He kissed her back, but he was too amused to really get into it. "Mm, that was nice of you... thought you might smack me for that instead..."
"Why?" she laughed.
"Oh... maybe 'cause it's what you've been sayin' all along? That I should let you decide what would make you happy?"
She grinned. "Yeah... I have been saying that, haven't I. It's okay. You're not as smart as me about this type of stuff. Prob'ly cuz you're a guy."
"I see. And you say I'm sexist?" he teased.
"Yep! I guess you're not the only one! But seriously, Joel... if you really mean that... that's awesome. Thank you."
"I mean it. Remember, I ain't sayin' that I'll never... feel any guilt whatsoever, about the age difference--"
"You shouldn't feel any!"
"...But it won't be to the point that... I decide we shouldn't be together, on account of it. Sound good to you? Can you live with that?"
She felt the tears rising up again, but she didn't really care. "That sounds awesome to me." And it sounded too good to be true, quite frankly, but she didn't give a fuck about that either! She and Joel were together now, and they would never be apart again: all was right with the world.
~Continue to Chapter 48~
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 8,787
Rating (for fic as a whole): R
~
Now I KNOW I'm dreaming... Spirit AND Joel?! No fucking way...
But Ellie vaguely heard Annie and Joel exchanging greetings... heard Annie saying something about taking the horses back to the stables... something about giving the two of them a chance to talk... I think this might actually be happening? Her brain registered that Annie had just gone back into the yard to fetch the other horse...
...and Joel is fucking STANDING RIGHT THERE.
He seemed to be frozen in place.
I must be frozen, too... I can't even see him that well, but I can't stop staring... can't make my mouth work...
Spirit nudged her cheek with enough oomph that she had to kind of catch herself... and she finally dislodged herself from that weird head space. In her head, reuniting with Joel always involved leaping into his arms, and yet here she was, just standing there like it was no big deal. What's wrong with me?
She just... couldn't. Although it wasn't like he was running right up to her, either! She turned her attention back to the horse, running her hands over his ears... rubbing them the way he liked. Sorry he's stealing your thunder, boy, but HOLY FUCKING SHIT. "Where did you find him?" she called to Joel, like this was any other casual conversation. I can ask him things now! Because he was right fucking there and fuck, I guess it would've been nice to say HI to him first--
"Idaho. Only a few days from here. I asked him where he'd been all this time, too, but he wouldn't give me a straight answer."
A horrible thought occurred to Ellie: had Joel only come back to deliver Spirit? Was he not really back-back? He's still standing kind of far away...
"You look good," Joel told her.
She thought she probably looked the same as when he'd left, except maybe her hair was a little longer... but she had it in a ponytail today so the length wasn't super obvious. She had no idea what to say. None. Fuck, I can't even talk to him anymore? She was grateful she had Spirit right there to bump noses with. She rubbed his neck appreciatively. "Wish I had an apple or something to give you," she murmured to him... low enough that Joel would just have to fucking move out of that shadow and come closer if he wanted to hear. "I'm so happy to see you, boy! So glad you came back. You better not ever leave me again, okay? You promise? ...Ahhhh I'm not letting you go anyway! Whether you like it or not!" She hugged the horse fiercely, burying her face in his sweet mane (the scent always made her think of sunshine). And all of a sudden, she was fighting the urge to cry. No... no TEARS, for fuck's sake... Annie's coming back now... you're okay...
"Ummmmm I guess I don't need to ask if you want me to take Spirit home or not?" Annie chuckled.
The remark was enough to ward off the stupid tears, at least for now. Ellie turned and smiled at her friend. "No way. He's staying with me. I... might bring him by later."
Annie actually looked like she might cry, too! She gave Ellie a quick hug. "So happy for you!" she whispered excitedly.
"Don't be happy yet," Ellie warned her softly. "But... thanks. Me too. I hope."
Annie pulled back, all smiles... then turned to Joel and gasped. "What happened to you?"
WHAT?! Ellie looked in Joel's direction again. He had finally moved closer, into the sunlight...
"Nothin'. I'm fine. It was just a bullet whizzin' by."
Ellie gaped at him. "A bullet that fucking took off half your ear!"
"Just a flesh wound. No big deal. My modelin' days are long gone anyhow."
Annie laughed. "You can grow your hair out a little... after it fully heals? Just cover it right up!"
"He hates feeling hair over his ears," Ellie told her, noting that it had definitely been trimmed since she last saw him. "That's how we'd know it was time for a haircut." I guess he won't feel it on that side anymore, though -- UGH, it looks awful!
"Long hair... just ain't a good look at my age," Joel added. "More gray... and it gets all wispy-like..."
"Did you go to the clinic?" Annie asked.
Ellie knew the answer to that one.
"Nah," he replied. "I took care of it myself. It's healin' up all right."
Ellie's mind went a little fuzzy again as she looked him over. She didn't hear exactly what Joel and Annie said to each other before Annie mounted her horse and rode off, leading the horse Ellie had been riding earlier. It was something about Esther sending him down this street to find them... a dinner invitation for both of them... Ellie couldn't quite absorb such inconsequential chatter because she had too many questions bubbling up in her mind: Who was shooting at him? Hunters? Fuck... he could've DIED... how close was that bullet to hitting his BRAIN... when did it happen? Where was I? What was I doing at the time while poor Joel was getting his ear blown off? Probably something totally inane... I'll never know... how weird. I'm supposed to be WITH him for that shit--
"Do you wanna go sit... somewhere?" Joel asked her; they were alone at last (not counting Spirit). "Sit an' talk?"
Well... that depends, Joel. Are you dumping me? Or... even if you're not -- yet -- are you leaving again? Do you need more time? "Sure." FUCK--
"Good thing you were out here instead of in the library. Made for a nicer surprise... with the horse an' all. And... it's quiet here. More private."
Shit... why do you want it to be private? I mean... that could be GOOD, obviously, if we're... but maybe you just don't wanna cause a scene, when you take my broken heart and shred it into even tinier pieces?
"I reckon it should be outside, 'cause Spirit don't seem to wanna leave you alone," he observed.
I hope he's not the only one! Ellie tried to smile. "Yeah. Um... not in that yard, though. Let's go next door." Sitting on that swing with Joel would be nice, but if things didn't go well... Ellie just didn't want that beautiful yard ruined. Better to sit in some random other place.
"I s'pose we could go to the rendezvous house," Joel suggested. "But... next door is good. It's... closer."
Why would he bring that up? Is that good or bad, that he's remembering our little secret meetings there?! ...Good, I think? It was kind of a pain in the ass, but once we were THERE... Ellie stupidly just noticed something else for the first time as they walked, with Spirit between them. "Did you ride him here bareback?" He hadn't been saddled when he disappeared!
"Yep. Had no choice. Lucky for me he still had his headgear on... made it a little easier."
And while she was noticing things... she noticed that he didn't have his backpack, which she was sure he'd taken with him. He didn't have that just-off-the-road look to him, either. It looked like he had washed his face. Maybe even changed his clothes. Also, he didn't stink. Spirit's proximity was possibly masking his scent -- and Spirit smelled horsey-good like always! -- but she still thought she would be able to tell if he'd come straight from the road. So he went home first? He doesn't have his key, though... oh -- right -- he went to the farm. Maybe he cleaned up a little there, after Esther told him I'd gone out riding with Annie. His hair's not wet, so he didn't take a shower... unless he actually DRIED his hair, too... he never does that, though... was he trying to look good for me? Or is he planning on leaving again right away, so he figured he'd better wash up a little before he goes? Like, before he sees me, in case I freak out on him and he has to make as quick a getaway as he can? He doesn't know I vowed NOT to do that. To totally respect his decision. ...FUCK, can I actually do that? He's been here like FIVE MINUTES and I haven't even touched him or anything to make sure that he's REAL but already I can't stand the thought of him leaving again!
Joel must have noticed how quiet and strange she was being, but he didn't acknowledge it. They barely said a word to each other while trying to find a place to sit in the next backyard. There was one lonely plastic chair (and Ellie did not make a joke about both of them sitting in it and possibly breaking it), no benches or couches or anything...
"How 'bout in here?" Joel was... pushing some kind of cover off of a big square thing at the end of the patio. "It's actually pretty clean under here. Bit different without the water, of course..."
Just like boats... Ellie remembered a similar comment he'd made a million years ago. When she was just barely starting to get to know him. How can I feel weirder around him NOW than I did back then? This wasn't a boat, though. "Is that a..."
"A hot tub, yes. Jacuzzi... spa... different names for it."
Hmmm... kind of intimate? Not like cuddling on a couch, but we'll be pretty close to each other... "Okay. What about Spirit?" She looked around for something to hitch him to, because she sure as fuck wasn't going to let him run away on her -- even Inside!
"He's fine. Just let him be. He won't go that far from you, I don't think. Hell -- he don't even like me, but he was downright clingy on the way back."
Ellie chuckled. "He likes you, silly."
Joel looked at her for a long moment... and Ellie wished to God she knew what he was thinking. I used to be so good at that! Fuck!
"Why don't you sit... there, on the far side... and I'll sit to your right. That way you don't gotta get an eyeful every time you--"
"Oh my God, Joel, do you think I care about... not seeing..." She sighed. "I'm just glad you weren't killed." ...Understatement of the year?!
"Still. Humor me."
She climbed into the tub and sat where he'd indicated. Poor Joel... he's not VAIN, like... at ALL... but he's gotta be at least a little self-conscious about this one? It's so... noticeable. So... not-normal-looking. She wanted to ask him about it - how it happened, what it felt like, if it affected his hearing... all that stuff. She wanted to ask him all kinds of things about where he’d been, what he’d done... what he was thinking right now... but she asked nothing. She idly wondered if he had made her get in first so he could decide how much of a gap to keep between them. He was sitting far enough away that she could almost kick him if she extended her leg, but not quite.
...I still don't know what to fucking SAY to him... but Joel didn't seem to know what to say, either. He didn't seem particularly anxious about it, however. No way did he feel as anxious as Ellie did right now!
"Where's your gun at?" he asked.
That was the first thing he chose to ask her.
...Of course it is. That's so JOEL. Oh how I've missed him! She couldn't even pretend to be annoyed enough to give him shit. "I guess it's... over by the gate next door. I had it in my hand when I went out front to investigate the noise we heard -- I swear! -- and then I guess I dropped it when I saw Spirit." She was surprised he hadn't noticed it on the ground himself, actually... maybe Spirit was blocking his view...
"All right. I'll go--"
"Don't you dare!" Ellie slid closer to the steps to block his path if necessary. ...Like he couldn't just hop over the side if he really wanted to leave?
He chuckled. "I was just gonna grab it an' come right back."
"Just leave it. No one's gonna find it there, and... if this yard just happens to get overrun with Infected while we're here, you can just toss me one of yours. ...Do you really only have two on you right now?"
"Yep. Left most of my shit down at the farm. ...All right, as long as you don't forget to grab it later."
Ellie smiled. "I might forget, but you won't."
Joel returned the smile. "Sure have missed seein' that pretty smile of yours."
That innocent remark made her blush for some reason. "You have?" AWESOME!!!
"Mmhmm. Seein' you in general, really."
Happy as she was that he was saying these things, Ellie felt like her heart was being squeezed by an iron fist. ...Along with my lungs, cuz it's kinda hard to breathe! She bit her lip.
"What's wrong?" He actually fucking asked her that.
She laughed mirthlessly. "Gee, I dunno... everything?!"
"...Can you be a little more specific?"
Is he amused right now? Fucking-- aaarrggghhh! "How can you be so-- so--" She didn't even know how to articulate what he was. Calm probably came close... nonchalant... cavalier...
"So... what?" he prompted her.
"Are you leaving again?" she blurted. "Sorry -- you don't -- it's okay if you -- ugghh. Sorry. I just... kind of need to know that first, I guess."
"First? First before what?"
"Before... anything! If you're just gonna leave again, then... I dunno." She scooted back into her original seat. Farther away from him.
"I don' know what I'm gonna do yet," he told her.
At least he's being honest? Not making promises he couldn't keep. But that old... helpless feeling started to creep up on her. Once again, he had all the control. Their fate was up to him. She had no say in what happened next.
"It depends on you," he added.
...OH. Well... that was better, right? So she did have some control. If she said and did the right things, he would stay? ...For how long? And what exactly were the right things? She wanted to ask him, but sometimes he got annoyed when she asked him things like that, and she definitely didn't want to annoy him right now.
But... fuck... it was okay to ask for clarification, wasn't it? "Um... how does it depend on me?" She braced herself for a frown, a sigh... some sign of irritation...
"I don't wanna make things harder for you," he replied. Without frowning or sighing or doing anything else that might indicate he was irritated with her for asking. "If you're... I don' know... ..."
"If I'm what?" What a fucking awkward conversation this is!
"In a better place now, I guess is what I mean."
...Huh? Does he mean better without HIM? Um... NO. HELL no, in fact. "So... you're breaking up with me... for real this time? Or..." Please please PLEASE be all eager to reassure me that you're NOT!
He was... the opposite of eager. He just sat there, looking at her. Studying her. "Is that what you want?"
"No!" No hesitation on her end! "That's not what I want. Not at all. But what I want doesn't seem to matter, so--" --Fuck! Jesus, Ellie, shut the fuck up -- you can't SAY bitchy things like that if you want him to--
"I'm sorry," he said quietly.
She wondered what he was sorry for. Cuz... she could think of a few things! But he probably just said that because of that snide little remark... "No, I'm sorry. I totally get that you need... time, or whatever. -I just missed you," she added. "A lot."
"Not half as much as I missed you," Joel replied.
Ellie couldn't let herself get too excited when he said things like that... because he always said that he loved her. Just... it wasn't like that factored into his decision-making, most of the time. "What do you want?" Oh God, did I really just flat out ASK him that?
He didn't even answer. "So. You ain't... uh... ..."
Ellie almost snapped at him for turning it back around on her -- and not even smoothly, at that -- but she held her tongue... and waited.
"Are you seein' anyone else?" he asked, his expression as blank as she'd ever seen it.
This was the perfect opportunity to make him jealous as fuck... but what if he isn't? He TOLD me to 'see other people,' pretty much... Still. Ellie wasn't going to lie to him; she could see how it might totally backfire. "No. I told you -- you're the only one I love. I don't want anyone else. I never will. So if you don't want us to be together--"
"I do. I do want that."
...To NOT be together? Or to be together? Maybe the wording was a little ambiguous... but Ellie could tell what he meant -- she heard it more in his voice than she saw it in his expression. Still, just in case, I better ask him-- "So does that mean... you still love me?"
His face finally melted into that adoring look she'd been missing so much! "Of course I do. Never stopped."
She swallowed a lump in her throat. "And you're still... you know... in love with me?"
"Yes. Very much."
"Really?" Her voice actually squeaked when she asked -- and she knew she was smiling like an idiot.
"Really." Joel was smiling, too...
Her head was still reminding her that this might not fucking mean anything... but...
But!
Fuck it!
Ellie launched herself at him, her arms circling his neck, and he pulled her fully into his lap. His arms clutched her so tight she could barely breathe (in a good way, this time!). It was what she'd wanted for so fucking long... it was exhilarating! And... overwhelming, really, because she went straight from gleeful, breathless giggles to hiccuping sobs.
"I hope those are happy tears," Joel murmured into her hair.
I hope they are, too! It was funny how she didn't know for sure. But she felt like she could breathe again. Like she could feel how much he loved her. The longer he held her, the more certain she felt that happy tears were indeed warranted -- because surely Joel wouldn't be so cruel as to let her make the normal assumptions based on his words, not bothering to 'set her straight' and explain his weird Joel logic, where "I love you" and "I want to be with you" didn't necessarily translate to "I ain't leaving town again."
No, he's not CRUEL like that... but he might be totally clueless?
She not-so-surreptitiously wiped her face on his shirt before pulling back enough to look him in the eye. Before she could ask him anything, though, he cupped her face in his hands and kissed her!
Or tried to, anyway. She did kiss him back, but she couldn't stop smiling, and it was hard to effectively kiss a person and smile at the same time. Joel sighed happily, leaning his forehead against hers -- and he was all smiley, too. "God, I've missed you. I don' know how I ever managed to leave."
"Twice!" she teased. "I don't know how you did, either!" Being mad at me probably helped, the second time... She was enjoying his fingers threading through her hair, so she yanked her hair tie out to give him more to play with (the tie was stretched out enough that she could wear it on her wrist like a bracelet for safekeeping).
"Did I miss our anniversary?" he asked, pulling back just a smidge.
Aww! He remembered! "Yeah... it's okay. We can celebrate it now! If that's... if you want, I mean. I was gonna ask... before I get all carried away... um, too late for that, really, but... yeah..."
He didn't even seem to have heard her. He was petting her hair, and like... examining her. From the neck up, anyway. "You... are so beautiful."
Double aww! Ellie ducked into his shoulder. "Whatever..."
"You are. I should tell you more often." He resumed crushing her into his chest.
Ellie giggled. "Yes, you should. You should tell me every day. No -- every hour of every day. You know why? Cuz that means I'd see you at least once every hour of every day, like... forever!"
"Mm. Good plan. What about when we're sleepin'? Do I gotta wake you up every hour to tell you?"
Ellie pondered this. "Umm... nah, cuz I won't stay beautiful if I don't get my beauty sleep, right? You can either do extra before we go to sleep or when we wake up. Your choice. Just--" A nose at the back of her head arrested that thought -- and it wasn't Joel's. She twisted around and giggled at the sight of the horse leaning over the hot tub. "I think Spirit wants a group hug!"
She managed to get an arm around each of them at once, but Joel just reached out and patted Spirit's neck, keeping one arm securely around her. "You should've seen him, kiddo. When I saw him... -when he saw me, he was lookin' all around... like 'Where's Ellie at? Where you hidin' her?' I swear he gave me the dirtiest look when I told him you weren't with me."
"Ha!" She knew he was teasing, but Ellie could actually imagine that. "How long have you had him?"
"I brought him straight here. Well, almost -- headed back here the day after."
Here's another opportunity to ask him... She returned her hand to its former resting place on Joel's shoulder. "Okay, wait. Does that mean... you weren't actually coming back yet? Like... you weren't ready?"
"Uh... more like, if ever there was a sign I should go back, this was it. Findin' your horse -- completely on accident."
Ellie looked at Spirit and smiled sadly. "He wasn't actually mine, you know. And I was upset when we lost him, yeah, but like... I made peace with it. I liked to think he was happier being free." She vowed to talk to Esther about how to use him. If being out in the wild had actually somehow mellowed him out (was that even possible?), maybe he would be easier for people to handle and he could do trips and stuff instead of farm work, which he'd never taken too kindly to. If we get working tractors for the farms like the military's promising, chances are good! She also couldn't help wondering how many hunters had tried to steal him... had any of them been successful, or had he balked at everyone's advances until Joel came along? Back to the matter at hand-- she turned back to Joel. "I never felt like that about you being gone, you know. It wasn't something I could like... make peace with."
He gave her the sweetest little kiss. "I'm sorry. I know you didn't really understand why I left... I'm sorry it hurt you, but I do think it was the right thing to do at the time. I needed some space."
Ellie nodded. "I know. You were pissed. You had every right to be."
"No, see, that ain't... it wasn't the main thing, anyhow. I told you not to beat yourself up over all that."
"I know! I know. I didn't... much. But does that mean... can you ever forgive me?" Her voice went all small when she asked.
He smoothed her hair back... cupped her cheek... smiled at her fondly. "Yes. I understand why you... did what you did. How it kinda snowballed on you. I drove you to--"
"No, Joel, stop that! Don't blame yourself. You made a decision, and I should've respected it. This time... I totally will. If you need more time to think about stuff, I'm cool with it." ...Amazing how easy that is to say when he's acting like he can't stand the thought of leaving again!
"Thank you, baby girl. That means a lot to me." He drew her in for another kiss. "But I think I've been away long enough."
Yes! "Really?"
"Mmhmm."
She hugged his neck again. "I love you soooooo much!"
He chuckled. "Love you, too."
"Squeeze me as hard as you--" She couldn't even finish the request because he did exactly that, cutting off her air supply for a moment before relaxing his grip.
"Don' know why that's so fun for you..."
She giggled. "Oh, you like it, too!"
"I just like bein' close to you. Like this."
He did seem to be extra... cuddly? Like he wasn't content to just hold her -- he had to rub her arm or pet her hair or touch her face. Like we're not TOGETHER ENOUGH otherwise... aww...
"Listen," he continued. "This tub ain't that comfortable without the water. What do you say we--"
"No! We can't leave!" Ellie protested. "This might just be a dream -- and if we go home, we'll wake up!"
"...Is that how it works?"
"Uh-huh!"
"Mm. I seem to recall you felt that way after we kissed for the first time, too... turns out it wasn't a dream. We went home--"
"But so much has happened since then! This is different!"
"Is it?"
"Yeeees!" she giggled.
"All right, maybe we'd better stay, then."
"But-- if it's uncomfortable -- here, I'll just sit like--"
"You're fine right where you're at," he assured her, holding her snugly in place in his lap. "But... there are some things we oughta talk about."
She pouted. "You wanna wake up from the dream already?"
"Yes. Because reality... ain't all that bad, as long as we're together, yeah?"
"Totally," she beamed at him. "Remember where you go, I go? Can we get back to that? Pleeeease?"
"I do remember that, yes. Back when we thought ten days was a long time to be apart. As far as leavin' town goes? Absolutely."
"Okay, good. That's what it was meant to be about." And you promised that you wouldn't leave town unless I left with you...
"Forget about me forgivin' you: can you ever forgive me? For... not rememberin' that when it counted?"
He just read my mind! "I think you did remember it. You just... started doubting that it was the right thing to do. I'll forgive you if you swear that you'll never do it again."
Joel actually had to think about that, which scared her a little.
"Can you really not promise that right now?" she marveled.
"Oh, I can promise... swear... what-have-you. I can mean it, too. But will you believe it."
"Yes!"
He snorted. "How can you be so sure? I think you're foolin' yourself. I think deep down--"
"I know, I know -- I actually thought the same thing, before... this. Before you came back and... let me touch you, and kiss you... and hug you and everything... now it's all real again." ...What am I even trying to say?
"I don't follow."
"Yeah... I kinda don't follow myself either. Ha! Um... okay. So, I forgive you, you forgive me, it's like starting over. Like we have a clean slate!" Thank you for that idea, Annie! "We forget everything from before. Start fresh."
"I do see the appeal in that."
"...I hear a 'but' in there..."
"But. I don't think it's that simple. We do have history... you ever heard of 'Those who don't remember the past are doomed to repeat it' ?"
"No. Those who don't..." She turned the phrase over in her mind. "You don't want to forget all the bad stuff?"
"I think... it's easy to forget it sometimes, when things are good..."
"Like now?"
"Yes. Now is good."
"Fuck, how I wish we could just freeze this moment in time... just stay here forever!"
"Ha. You're goin' backwards on the realism scale now, kiddo."
"I know, but... God, don't you wish we could do that?!"
"...I think we have plenty of good moments in our future. We don' need to get stuck on this particular one."
"Good answer! Our future... I like the sound of that," Ellie said happily. "By the way -- if you ask me to marry you again? I would totally say yes next time. Just so you know."
Joel gave an awkward little chuckle. "Yeah, see, that right there..."
"Oh God -- I went too far. Sorry! Forget I said that. Really! That one should be wiped off the slate real easily cuz it was only there for two seconds! Right? Isn't that--"
"Relax," Joel said -- with a more normal-sounding chuckle. "That... is a good example of why we can't just wipe the slate totally clean. You've got it in your head that you've gotta be perfect, 'cause if you ain't perfect--"
"Nobody's perfect! I know that. I'm not trying to be!"
"All right, well, somethin' along those lines. There was nothin' wrong with what you said. It was real sweet, actually."
"It was? But you were so..."
"Askin' you... the way I did... was a mistake. I still feel bad about it."
"Oh, Joel, you shouldn't! And it wasn't a mistake--"
"It was. And I don't think either of us... can just forget everythin' that happened that day. You already had that... thing in your head, about bein' perfect -- or close to it -- 'cause of how you grew up. Whatever bit of love you could find... it was all conditional. Or it felt conditional to you, 'cause no one ever-- anyhow. Don't wanna get into all that again. What I'm sayin' is you had that in there, in your head, and I just... figured I could undo it. That if I just loved you enough--"
"You did undo it!"
"Maybe some, yes. Some of it. I did see a change in you... in your confidence. After a while. But whatever good I may have done? I prob'ly just undid it all. Put you right back where you started... if not before where you started. Right?"
She felt her chest tightening for some reason. FUCK, Ellie, just suck it up already! But she didn't trust herself to speak... or even look at him.
"Trust -- real trust -- takes a long time to build up," he continued. "And then... it shatters in an instant."
She wasn't sure what the difference was between real trust and... fake trust? ...but she didn't care to ask. "Okay, but... I've fucked up a lot. And you still love me. Isn't that what unconditional love is? So I can trust you. Because I know that."
"On one level, maybe. But your gut reaction is to panic. When you think you've messed up."
Ellie snorted. "So? Your gut reaction is to pull a gun any time someone looks at you funny. It doesn't mean anything."
"I don't do that," he smirked.
"Whatever -- you know what I'm saying. That's been a part of you for so long... hey, yeah, this is a good comparison! You've been Outside for a while, right? So you're going to be all jumpy and paranoid and stuff for a while, until you get used to being Inside again, and then you'll relax. But it's still there, if provoked. It's like part of who you are. It's not right or wrong... it just is."
"It's right if it saves our lives."
She rolled her eyes. "You get it, though, right?"
"I get it."
"I mean... you can't even blame me when I ask if you're leaving again and you say it depends on me. Meaning... if I don't act the way you want--"
"Whoa -- hang on. That ain't what I meant by that."
"It's not?"
"Nope. I just meant... if you wanted me around. If you had a new boyfriend or somethin'... or a girlfriend... thought maybe I wasn't gone long enough for it to... I don' know. I didn't want it to be like a Clicker situation. With him an' that little girl."
"Alyssa. They're pretty cute together, by the way." Maybe she would never be Alyssa's biggest fan, but Clicker was the one who had to put up with her! "I was gonna say you were right about that whole thing... but I think we both kind of were? Cuz I didn't actually leave town, and he still moved on." Of course, it did help that Ellie was never around anymore... but she omitted that little tidbit. "Anyways -- did you really think I would be with someone else? Seriously?"
"I didn' know what to expect, after the way we left things. Plus we've never been apart for a couple months... whatever it was..."
"Seventy-five days."
Joel blinked. "Damn. Are you bullshittin', or do you really--"
"I know how long it's been! Seventy-five-- er-- I guess seventy-four, because today would've been seventy-five, but you're here. Obviously."
"All right, so... a smidge longer than a couple months. I didn't think that would be long enough for you to... not have any feelin's left for me whatsoever--"
"Oh my God, Joel -- of course it's not long enough for that! Forever isn't long enough!"
He kissed the top of her head. "Sweet girl. I will admit... I am very glad you feel that way."
She beamed at him. "Good! Don't even say it's selfish, cuz it's not! It's just... love." And how lucky am I that HIS feelings didn't just go away once we were apart?!
"Whatever it is, whatever you wanna call it... all of it... I'm done fightin' it, an' feelin' bad about it."
"What? For reals?" ...Does that mean what I think it means?!
"For the most part. I can't say I'll never feel guilty about how young you are, how old I am..."
"Joel--"
"Just listen. It ain't ideal, that's for sure. It ain't what I would script for either of us, if it were up to me. Especially for you. But that don't change the fact that... it happened. And it's... real. Findin' someone you feel such a strong connection to... so powerful that it... ... You know what I mean. And for both of us to feel that way... about each other? It's a rare thing. It's... special. I've always known that... about you'n'me... I guess I just let other shit get in the way of it sometimes. But, no more."
Ellie's heart felt like it was going to explode or something. Like there was so much love in it, it was going to overflow. She hugged him... kissed him... cupped his face in her hands so she could stroke his beard with her thumbs (...and decided to ignore the fact that he flinched when her fingers approached the injured ear; she would just have to be mindful not to make him uncomfortable). "Does that mean you don't want us to hide it anymore?"
He sighed. "I don' know. I ain't lookin' to... upset the applecart here. Pretendin' out in public is prob'ly for the best. My brother, an' Maria... they run the show. They have certain... rules an' expectations. Pretendin' might not be good enough for them. They have good reason to want to protect you from--"
"Protect me from you? That's the biggest load of shit ever, and you know it!"
He smiled. "Generally-speakin', though. It ain't good for... ... -Someone my age, with someone your age, is pretty damn creepy."
"No it's not!" Ellie would never believe otherwise.
"You say that because this -- us -- ...it don't feel creepy to you. But we're the exception, not the rule. I think that... if Tommy feels so strongly about it that he feels like he has to separate us..."
She scowled. "Fuck that. Seriously, Joel -- fuck that! I am not going to be apart from you anymore. I won't let him separate us!"
"Oh you won't, huh? What exactly do you plan on doin'?" He seemed amused.
"Well... I dunno... whatever I have to!" She could work through little details like that later!
"Whatever you have to," Joel repeated. "You'd even... commit murder."
She rolled her eyes again. "No, I'm not gonna kill your brother, okay? But I'm not gonna just... do whatever he wants. I'm surprised he hasn't come and-- wait. Did you see him before you came here? Do you know something I don't know?"
"No. I did find out that he made it back okay, an' that the baby was fine... but I didn't go seek him out. He ain't nearly as snuggly as you are."
She giggled when he squeezed her. "Not as kissable, either..."
"Nope." He dutifully kissed her. "And nowhere near as pretty."
It hit her again, how amazing it was that she was sitting here with Joel, and he seemed to love her just as much as he ever had. He'd been gone for sooooooo long! "I forgot that you didn't even know about Tommy coming home. You prob'ly never saw him Outside cuz he went-- ...a different way." Thankfully, Dexter was home now, too. She didn't feel like giving Joel the run-down on all things Jackson just yet, though. "There's so much I wanna ask you about your trip! Like... where did you go -- just Idaho, or other places? Did you find Karma and Paul? What've you been doing all this time? How did you get hurt? Did you bring the jeep back?"
"Slow down," he chuckled. "I'll tell you all about it... later. I wanna hear what's been goin' on with you, too. But we have... other things to attend to."
She gave him a sly smile. "Hell yes we do -- have you ever done it in a hot tub before?"
"No, an' that ain't what I meant by--"
"Oh good! I can be your first!" She swiftly pivoted so that she was straddling him, then kissed him deeply, letting her mouth -- her tongue -- express how much she'd missed him.
He kissed her just as hungrily... but not for very long. "We can't, baby girl. I for one do not intend to let my brother catch us a second time. I assume one of the guards let him know I came through."
"He'd still have to find us," Ellie pointed out. "In this random backyard. Even if he finds out you went in this direction, is he gonna search every house? Every yard?"
"Maybe he will. ...You're still livin' with him'n'Maria, yeah?"
"Yeah. Which sucked at first, by the way. We sort of called a truce, eventually, but I can't... not be a little bit pissed at them. At Tommy, especially. But Grayson -- oh my God, Joel, you have to see him! He's so cute! And so big!"
"I bet he is. I'm sure we'll be seein' him -- all of 'em -- soon enough. But first... I wanna get things sorted out with you'n'me."
...Huh? "What's to sort?" she asked, perplexed. "We're together again. Together-together. Right?"
"Right..." It almost sounded like he was uncertain about that.
"But?"
"But... I don' know. We keep gettin'... derailed, or sidetracked... I think at some point I was gonna say we should take it slow..."
"How slow?" She didn't want to be a brat or anything, but he had said, once upon a time, that they wouldn't fucking go backwards.
"That's the thing. Now that we're together again... it kinda feels like no time has passed, don't it?"
"Pfff. Speak for yourself! You were gone foreeevvveeerrrrr--"
"I'm talkin' about right now. Things were maybe a little strained at first, but... that's all gone. This feels... completely natural, to me."
"Me too! Why shouldn't it? We still love each other."
"Guess I just wasn't expectin' it. 'Course, I've had a few days to think about how it was gonna go, seein' you again..."
How cute -- was he stressing about it? She smiled. "Did it go better than you thought?"
"Definitely. Which is why I'm wonderin' when the other shoe is gonna drop."
"Um... what do our shoes have to do with anything?"
"Nothin'." He looked at her... extra-adoringly? "You have no idea how much I missed you."
"I missed you more, cuz you're the one that left," Ellie reasoned.
"Is that how it works?"
"Yep. So... did you have trouble sleeping, too?"
"Oh yeah. Nights were the hardest."
"And mornings. When I'd wake up and like... forget, for a second..."
"Then you remember. Yeah, that was rough. I hope you didn't have that many nightmares." He winced. "Did you? Were they bad?"
"Um... I survived. Obviously. I actually..." ...God, should I tell him this? Kind of embarrassing...
"You actually what?"
"I just... couldn't stand being by myself, after. So sometimes I... went into Grayson's room and slept on the floor. Dumb, right? Like, how is this tiny little baby gonna make me feel safe?"
"But he did?"
"Yeah. It helped, just hearing him breathe."
"That ain't dumb at all. I'm sorry I wasn't there to help you."
She knew he meant it, but-- "You should've slept better without me waking you up with my nightmares!"
"No way. You kiddin' me? I was... in a bad way, not havin' you close."
"You had some bad dreams, too, huh." She almost apologized for not being there to help him, but then she remembered that it wasn't her fucking fault! She kissed him softly. "Oh -- I also spent the night with your brother a couple times."
"What?!"
She giggled at the outraged look on his face. "Don't worry, Maria was there, too. Maria caught me sleeping on Grayson's floor -- actually, the first time, she thought he woke me up cuz she found me in there with him when he started crying... and like, he did wake me up, but only cuz I was right there in his room! So I let her think that. But then next time, I told her the truth... she said I could come sleep in their bed if I had any more. I didn't at first cuz... I kind of had attitude towards them still? Cuz it was their fault I didn't have you to sleep with."
"You can't lay the blame entirely on--"
"Yeah yeah, I know. So one night, I did go in there... and it was totally dark, and I couldn't tell who was sleeping on which side. I didn't know whose side of the bed was whose. Which I prob'ly should have, cuz I've gone in their room to wake Maria up from a nap, but I swear she's slept on both sides-- anyways, I just went to the closest side and stayed as far over on the edge as I could. Or I tried to... but I needed more covers cuz I got cold so I did scoot in some, I guess? So, I fell back asleep and didn't have any more nightmares, and when I woke up, it was just starting to get light out... and I could see Tommy was next to me. Maria wasn't there. She was up with the baby." That was all true, except Ellie omitted the fact that she was pretty sure which side was Tommy's because she remembered from that awful day she'd woken him up to ask where Joel was.
"So you were in bed with my brother all by yourself," Joel smirked.
"Yeah, I guess I was. You jealous?" she teased.
"Yes. Very."
She looked at him soberly. "I wanted him to be you so bad, Joel. I just laid there and... wished he was you, basically." Actually, Joel didn't need to know this, but she had done a little more than that: she had tried to pretend Tommy was Joel. Despite deciding that it would never work, weeks earlier, she had fucking tried. She had closed her eyes and scooted in close enough that her arm was just barely grazing his, as she lay on her stomach. It had sort of worked, for a little while. Then she'd pretended to still be asleep when Tommy woke up. She had even arranged her hair to cover her face, and... well, to be a big old mess, really, in case that invited him to fix it for her... maybe pet it a little bit, the way Joel used to.
He didn't, though. He hadn't touched her at all. She thought she might have heard a little chuckle to himself, like under his breath, before he got up.
"It'll be me next time," Joel assured her.
"It better be!" She leaned into him, laying her head on his shoulder and nuzzling his neck. "You're definitely the best nightmare-chaser."
"I'll try not to let you have any more of 'em."
She would probably never know if she'd been having more bad dreams because Joel wasn't there to nip them in the bud, or because her subconscious was actually more disturbed when she wasn't with him. "It's not like I've had tons. Maybe like... once a week? Less than that, even."
"Still too many... at least you won't be alone anymore."
"So... we are going to sleep in the same bed, then?"
"Hopefully."
She sighed. "It's not together enough if we're not. If I'm sleeping down the hall from you, I'll just sneak--"
"No no, I meant... hopefully it'll be a bed." He squeezed her. "It sounds like we're on the same page here: we want to be together -- live together... be alone together, like a real couple... no matter the cost."
"...The cost?"
"Meanin'... even if we have to leave town."
"I don't care where we are. As long as I'm with you, I'm good."
"Yep -- same page. Hopefully it won't come to that."
"Yeah, cuz... if it does, would they be cool with that? I mean... if their whole thing is they have to protect me from you, why would they let us leave together?"
"You've already proven you can get outta here if you really want to," he reminded her. "But we'll cross that bridge if we come to it. And I... I won't let them keep us apart, this time. I know I've said that before an' then... not really done it... but I swear, Ellie..."
She pulled back to look at him, touched by... something in his voice. "Things are... different now?"
"I'm different. I had all this time to think... to figure shit out... and it felt like... I wasn't really doin' that. Wasn't gettin' anywhere. Like I kept... thinkin' in circles or somethin'. I was waitin' for... for a bolt of lightnin' to hit me, to make me suddenly have all the answers. Thing is... it never did. Spirit was the 'bolt' that got me headin' back in this direction, but I still had to make a decision." He paused... and to Ellie, it felt more like he was trying to find the right words rather than expecting her to weigh in, so she waited patiently for him to continue. "Eventually I realized... a couple things. One, that I needed to talk things through with you -- now that you've had time to do your own thinkin', without bein' influenced by me. That I can't just... unilaterally decide things all the time an' chalk it up to you bein' young. We have... an adult relationship, and you deserve to be treated like an adult."
She blushed with pleasure at that. "You don't decide everything," she said charitably. "I get that you're older... and have more experience and stuff. I mean, you know I don't always make the best decisions."
"Which is part of bein' young... growin' up. But maybe... maybe next time you'll tell me what's goin' on instead of tryin' to... I don' know..."
"Instead of doing something really stupid, you mean."
"All I've ever wanted to do is help you. But bein' so... my-way-or-the-highway about things created this... parental law type deal that you naturally want to--"
"Nooooo it's not like that!" she chuckled.
"Ain't it? At least a little? -Or are you tryin' to talk me out of seein' you more like an adult now?"
"No! Okay -- fine, I get it. I see what you're saying. I think you're just being too hard on yourself, as always. I like it when you tell me what to do. -Sometimes, anyway. I mean... if I make a really dumb decision, you're not just gonna go along with it, are you?"
"Uh... I s'pose not. If you come to me an' say you're gonna pretend to seduce a soldier who likes young--"
"Ugh! Yeah -- like that. I wasn't seducing him, by the way... but whatever. You would still stop me."
"Of course. Aside from that whole business, Monterey was... easy. We had no conflicts there. No adversity. Very little threat from the Outside. Biggest decisions we made were whether to snooze on the beach or play in the water. Or which song to request at campfire."
He was oversimplifying things a bit, but... fuck YEAH it was easy! "The good old days," she sighed.
"We were just there... what, four months ago?"
"Closer to five, really. They're over with now, so... yeah. Old."
"All right then. The good old days. You remember how everyone treated us?"
"Yeah. They loved us."
"They... at least tolerated us. No one saw fit to... tell me I was gonna ruin your life, or--"
"Because that's fucking bullshit!"
"Says you."
"...And you, right?!"
"For the most part."
"Ugh, Joel--"
"I know -- just listen. It was easy there, because... no one challenged me. I got real comfortable with it, real quick. Maybe finally crossin' that line... intimacy-wise... maybe that had somethin' to do with it, too. No goin' back from that."
"And there shouldn't be!"
"Right. Well... as soon as comin' back home became a... a real concept, not jus' somethin' on the horizon... I started havin' doubts again."
"What kind of doubts?"
"Like maybe I wasn't doin' right by you. That I needed to... think more about the long-term, instead of just livin' in the now."
"But--"
"Just let me finish, all right? It seemed like... the way things kept goin', it's like that notion was... reinforced. Validated."
"What things?"
"Not bein' able to keep you safe. That was one of my main justifications for bein' with you, and when it--"
"But you do!" she cried. "I'm safer with you than with anyone else! God, I wish you could like-- just be inside my brain, and see how much safer I feel when I'm with--"
"How you feel. It's an illusion."
"No it fucking isn't! I mean -- obviously you're not superhuman or anything, but I'm telling you, compared to--"
"All right all right -- it's beside the point anyhow. What I was gettin' at is... I'm done thinkin' that way. Thinkin' that... I have to justify it. I've had thoughts like that before, and I end up just writin' 'em off as bein' selfish, but... what if it ain't? Why can't it be enough that you love me back? Ain't that a good enough reason to be with--"
She cut him off with a kiss -- because she was just too excited not to kiss him for that!
He kissed her back, but he was too amused to really get into it. "Mm, that was nice of you... thought you might smack me for that instead..."
"Why?" she laughed.
"Oh... maybe 'cause it's what you've been sayin' all along? That I should let you decide what would make you happy?"
She grinned. "Yeah... I have been saying that, haven't I. It's okay. You're not as smart as me about this type of stuff. Prob'ly cuz you're a guy."
"I see. And you say I'm sexist?" he teased.
"Yep! I guess you're not the only one! But seriously, Joel... if you really mean that... that's awesome. Thank you."
"I mean it. Remember, I ain't sayin' that I'll never... feel any guilt whatsoever, about the age difference--"
"You shouldn't feel any!"
"...But it won't be to the point that... I decide we shouldn't be together, on account of it. Sound good to you? Can you live with that?"
She felt the tears rising up again, but she didn't really care. "That sounds awesome to me." And it sounded too good to be true, quite frankly, but she didn't give a fuck about that either! She and Joel were together now, and they would never be apart again: all was right with the world.
~Continue to Chapter 48~