Masochistically Fun ... In An Insanely Painful Way .... [AOI/KAZUKI] - ONE SHOT part 4 of 4

[luna_no_koibito]

Title: Masochistically Fun … in an Insanely Painful Way Part 4 of 4
Chapters: one shot
Author: luna_no_koibito
Genre: Angst, Life, Romance
Warnings: Sexual content, mature language, cursing
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Aoi / Kazuki
Bands: The Gazette, ScReW
Disclaimer: I don't own them, and don't wish I did because I'd be sorry for what could befall them （・＿・；）！
Comment: This was inspired by a blog that Kazuki had written, in his journal, regarding a night in which Aoi went to visit Kazuki.

Summary: Something that Kazuki kept blaming himself for not having been able to grasp that night, because those eyes had clearly told him that Aoi, such as himself, was a very …

~ THIRD PART ~


“... Yet He Knew, So Now”

For once, as he woke the following morning of that blessed Christmas day, Aoi was still there. His arms were still around his waist, and his breath still calmly brushed against his neck. For once, he would have cried in happiness, as he absently placed his hands over the elders. They'd had breakfast together, as well as lunch, and even dinner. They caught up on what they hadn't talk about in the past three months, they carelessly laughed, messed around each other, ignored their cell phone, unless it was family, and all of a sudden, it felt as if things had never changed, from the time when Ruki wasn't yet in the picture, from the time in which they hadn't started that stupid game of theirs. It felt like it was once again, simply Kazuki kohai and Aoi senpai, even though in the end, Kazuki knew very well that not to be the case. Because emotions such as love, were like chemical reactions, ones undergone one, there really was no going back, and he still felt it, it was still very much alive inside him, even as they kept on pretending normality, he knew he loved him, and there was nothing he could do about that.

-So I'll come and get you seven o'clock in the morning sharp ...- reemphasized the elder, once outside the younger's apartment -... be punctual! And be sure to cover up, Hokkaido is cold, the snow they show on TV is real, so do not underestimate the power of Hokkaido! - playfully warned Aoi, making the younger chuckle and roll his eyes

-Hai hai hai senpai ... - replied Kazuki, feigning a disinterested sigh, after which they silently locked eyes for a second, and at that moment, for once, he could have sworn he had sensed something very close to love.

The following day, Manabu showed up at his apartment, nonchalantly complaining about himself calling and calling, and not receiving any answer from Kazuki, who merely smiled apologetically throughout the younger's lamentation, until when Manabu dropped on his couch, with his arms folded in his chest, while suspiciously looking up at the elder

-So … - he then resumed, dragging the pronounced word in an implying manner - … exactly why aren't you coming to celebrate New Year's with us? - he inquired, apparently not satisfied with the “I already have plans, I am sorry” reply he'd received a second ago from the elder guitarist, who sat himself next to him

-... I am going to Hokkaido ...- carefully added Kazuki, carefully, because he was trying not to bring Aoi into the discussion, feeling somehow, that Manabu wouldn't have appreciated that at all, the same way he declared to have slept for the entire day, and have purposely left his cell phone on silent

-Alone? … - readily inquired the younger, with a face that clearly indicated him knowing that the elder wasn't going to be alone, and was now waiting for him to tell him with whom he was going to go. Saying any name, could have probably worked just as fine, still, the elder found himself frantically browsing through names he could offer the younger, but it had been exactly that second he took in “browsing for his answer” that made Manabu quickly speak up -... it's Aoi isn't it? ...- he plainly inquired, sounding completely unimpressed and looking slightly peeved, which caught the elder completely off guard and making him keep silent once again; it was just incredible how much he had just said, by saying absolutely nothing.

-... maybe … - shrugged Kazuki, really not knowing what was smarter to say at that point. In reply, Manabu staid silent, leaving to his facial expression to task to say it all, expression which made the elder feel the sudden need to justify himself -... we are just going skiing then coming back … the next ...day - he confidently began, and hesitantly trailed off, as he observed Manabu get to his feet, and begin walking towards the main entrance -... leaving? ...- dumbly inquired Kazuki, getting to his fit, and hurrying behind the younger, who kept silent, once again, affirm the effectiveness of conveying a message by simply saying nothing, as he bent to wear his shoes

-... If … - he then suddenly spoke, as he held his hand on the doorknob -... if you ever changed you mind, or anything else at all … don't hesitate to come ...- he expressed, and not even bothering to give him his usual smile, he merely nodded, and disappeared behind the door.

Kazuki stayed put in front of his closed door, completely fazed by the younger's reaction. They had never even talked about what had been going on between him and Aoi, yet Manabu was acting as if he knew the whole deal, and judging him as well, and Kazuki, no matter how on point he truly believed Manbu to probably be, didn't think it his place to do so, because things were going well so far, everything was fine again.

A sudden national campaign, his mother had fallen ill, he must have fallen ill, those were a couple of excuses Kazuki had been able to formulate to justify not haven heard from Aoi, in the following days preceding the one of their appointed day. Three days, and not even a single word. Worrisome? Very much so. Suspicious? Without any doubt. Fucking annoying? … immensely. Yet he decided to keep his quiet, Aoi was weird that way, he had long concluded, thus, he found no use in trying to uncover conspiracies, for the sake of they way that they had left things; and for his own sanity. Nonetheless, December 31st came by, and … seven, seven thirty, seven fifty, eight o'one AM … and not a single trace of the elder, and once again, a sudden national campaign, his mother had fallen ill, he must have fallen ill all of those possibilities came rolling by, because thinking otherwise, would have killed him.

One o'clock, he dropped his bag … four o'clock, he removed his coat … five o'clock, he curled up in his couch, … seven o'clock, a good half day following their appointed time, he let Distress and Coma ring away … seven o'five, he listened to his voice mail

Hello … you are probably angry (… understatement, my dear senpai, understatement … ) I'd be as well if it were me (… glad to know … ), I guess I could have called earlier, but things just happened really fast, and I didn't get around it (… what did? What happened?! …) … Ruki showed up and-

… and ... he needed to hear no more, he didn't care anymore, in between his stupid tears he tried to convince himself that he didn't care anymore, that Aoi was a dickhead, a fucking bastard, a person unworthy of his time, thoughts, and or love. Enough was enough, and he'd had enough. That was it. It had to be it, there was no way, that after all of this, he'd still find in himself the guts, and will to say that he still … God … that he still …

-Kazuki! - loudly called a voice from out side his apartment, following two loud bangs -... I know your in there … - reinforced the younger, but Kazuki didn't reply. It wasn't like he had a car, and his lights were all off, so Manabu had really no way of knowing such a fact for sure -... Aoi … and Ruki … are at the New Year's dinner … - he then informed. Oh well ... he could have gone out, and drawn his sorrows in alchool. His cell phone went off; Manabu calling. Well then, he had forgot his cell phone, when he went out, big deal -... even if you are out … you'll have to come back soon or later … so I'll just stay out here ...- stated younger, as Kazuki merely shrugged -... and attract useless and unwanted attention … is that your landlady? … - Manabu went rambling, as Kazuki tried his best to ignore him -... and maybe even call the fire department, and say that you were trying to commit suicide-

-Leave me alone Manabu! - suddenly snapped Kazuki, after which he resignedly sighed - I am here okay? I am fine … now you can leave, and join the rest in the celebration ...happy new year- he concluded with a bit more composure, and loads of cynicism

-No? ...- nonchalantly replied the younger -... let me enter please? … its kinda cold you know? ...- he then added, as Kazuki annoyingly turned to face his his main entrance door -... and then we can bash Aoi all you want … believe me … it feels good to do so with someone else to listen - he then stated in a more serious tone, which made the Kazuki unknowingly stand up, and open the door to the younger, who lightly smiled at him.

As they sat in the semi darkness of his living room, the only light being the one coming from the outside street lamps, Kazuki told Manabu everything, from start to end, along side with his feelings, his anger, his love, his despair, every single thing. Manabu, in return, told him of a similar experience he'd had long ago, and concluded making sure that Kazuki understood, that he had to be the one to stop this, to go up to the elder and explain that “I am sorry, but because I developed emotions for you, I cannot do this anymore”, while Kazuki nodded through it all in between tears.

That night, he had truly understood, and he had also been able to convince himself that that was the only way to go thorough things, and as soon as he'd find the strength, or that the occasion might have arisen, we would have end it; it was as simple as saying “no”. So he had believed …

So why was it so darn hard to do so? ...

…. Why?

Why had it been so easy for Aoi's hands to newly find themselves almost condescendingly roaming around his body, like he owned him, as he made him roughly hit the wall outside the younger's bedroom, which, even though it hadn't been intentional, made the kiss that followed soon after harsh, possessive in the worst way; it made him feel like like an object. Why was he allowing the elder to have his way with him, at almost three weeks from his so confidently reached conclusion?

Why did Kazuki find it so hard to detach those godly lips from his neck, which had been already used an abused by the same lips over again. Why was it, that he had to deal with Aoi in such a despicable state, because saying that the elder was drunk, would have been a terribly big understatement. He was shit-face drunk, and for reasons he could very well imagine, he was angry, and obviously taking it out on him.

And not a word had been uttered, as the elder decided that the wall wasn't going to be apt to his goal, and decided to move the improvised “party” to the younger's bedroom, where he successfully dragged him on top of his bed. On that particular day, the 20th of January, Kazuki most have been the obvious plan “B” to a wrongly gone after-party; hadn't he? The elder might have received a birthday present he really didn't expect or needed from his “soul mate”, and now, he was taking it out on him; … so much for a “Happy Birthday Aoi-senapi”

So Aoi had barged into his apartment ten minutes earlier, but the elder wasn't the only, or the one, to blame was he? because Kazuki could have easily slammed the door in his face, even though it had indeed been his birthday, even though he had wanted to spend time with him for such an occasion, he had the choice, the option to say “no”, but he hadn't for reasons he had no right to excuse anymore. And he was being undressed, by an evr silent and vexed elder, whom didn't even seem to realize what exactly he was doing, as Kazuki simply stayed unmoving, watching.

-Senapi … - cautiously attempted to call Kazuki, as he kept staring into those empty black orbs, with a slight sense of fear slowly surfacing, as he realized just how bad this night could end, in particular for himself. At the time, Aoi's expression was the reflection of nothing, Aoi looked absent, completely rid of any emotion, and by the way he was being so carelessly handled at the moment, Kazuki not only kept wondering if the elder still didn't realize what he was doing, but also, if he even realized where, and with whom he was -... Senp- he tried to call again, but before he could finish the hesitantly spoken endearing name he suddenly found himself face first on his mattress, Aoi readily on top of quickly getting rid of his pants and underwear, and taking a few seconds to do the same with his own garments, until they were now to very naked bodies on top of each other, one very drunk and positively angry, the other very sober, scared shitless, and; … sympathetic

Aoi was hurting, badly, the type of pain that Kazuki had been subjected to for quite some time now. The younger had instantly sensed it as soon as he opened the door to the elder some minutes earlier, and was completely caught off guard by such a sight, but it had been a few second worth of disarray, because he had already regained a hold of himself, even before he was being dragged halfway through the living room, and against the wall. At that point in time, pity had quickly took the place of his bewilderment, and even though he was now still rather scared as it was, his mind couldn't get rid of the pain he had previously witnessed.

He hated the way he was, maybe unknowingly, being used by the elder, he hated it because he loved him, and because he loved him, he couldn't hate him, not when the elder was in a clear state of pain, because it hurt him as well. It was a rather complicated thought process, but it seemed to have made sense to his heart at the time, just as much as it made sense to his brain that love; would surely been the end of him.

Reaching for the bed-stand, Aoi opened the first drawer, and went straight for a rather full bottle of lube, and as he applied some to his finger, we spread the younger legs apart, and placed himself in between them, while grazing his finger right at the Kazuki's entrance, who tried to turn his head backwards in a pointless attempt to see what the elder was about to do, but was stopped halfway in his turning movement when he felt the lips of said person on his ears whispering, in a surprisingly unwavering tone -... Dame? ...- just as he had on their first encounter, politely, but this time, devoid of any true meaning in his educated gesture

Kazuki stayed silent, as he pitifully gazed up at the elder, and it had been there and then, that it finally happened, while he his eyes kept fixed on those screaming dark orbs, he finally heard their cry. He saw it, the message they had been trying to convey to him, the feeling they had been screaming for so long, and that he'd never been able to grasp, the fact that Aoi, his beloved senpai, Gazette's renowned guitarist, the incredibly outgoing and fun fellow, the computer geek, out of all the multiple other facades he had, was also a very, very; lonely man.

As the realization sank into him, Kazuki couldn't understand why, he had absolutely no clue of why his body had such a reaction to the discovery. He might have wanted to talk to him, to say something deep, and stop the elder from doing something he will most likely regret, instead, he began to cry. As he kept staring at the elder, tears kept rolling down, and they clearly weren't tears caused by the hovering fear of being one step away from probably being “willingly raped”, as the elder most have though, while his gaze, by then widened in stupor, silently pulled away from him, calmly got dressed, and left, banging the door behind himself; no it wasn't that at all. It was the fact that now he finally knew, he finally understood the mystery behind the man named Aoi, and in a way, it caused even more pain than everything Kazuki had to go through until that point.

-No … I don't ...- sincerely replied Kazuki, blinking his eyes away from the equalizer he had been staring for the past five minutes, while Manabu waited for his answer, as he stopped recalling the events that had brought him to where he was right now -... but … I am hoping … I think … yes I am- he hesitantly replied, as he heard the younger distressingly sighing from the other end of the phone -... I- tried to resume Kazuki, but was cut off by the younger

-Turn towards the door ...- gently requested the younger, in a rather resigned tone

-Uh? … - confusedly inquired Kazuki, while he turned towards the studio's entrance, and saw Manabu waving once at him, from the glass that was in the middle of the door -... just when I though you were clairvoyant … - whispered the elder into the phone with a little chuckle, grinning: at the younger, who was as well still holding up his phone to his ear, as he lightly smirked in reply

-... nope ...- he calmly chirped -... I am your good old regular human being … - resumed the younger, his voice slowly turning to a more serious tone -... who is worrying for friend … and would like yo help out somehow, but knows that there is only so much he can do … because the rest is all up to him ...- he then concluded, backing away from the door, and dropping himself on the opposite wall outside the studio, while still looking at Kazuki through the little glass on the door

-... and I appreciate it, really I do … but ...- replied the elder, getting up from his chair and walking towards the entrance -... but you see … Aoi-senpai ...he- tried to conclude, when the familiar sound that indicated someone else calling, suddenly interrupted him. Quickly pulling the phone away from his ear, and in front of himself, he dumbly blinked at the name “Aoi-senpai” flashing on the screen of his blackberry; he's heart must have stopped for a second … or two -give me a second Manabu, I have another call, one second!- rushed the elder, as he switched calls, and after taking a silent deep breath he replied -... Moshi moshi ...senpai? ...- he kindly called

-... Hey ...- readily and lowly replied Aoi, sounding also extremely nervous, and somewhat embarrassed, as he paused- … Kazuki I- he then abruptly resumed, most likely trying to excuse himself with the younger for his behavior during their previous night, but was politely interrupted by Kazuki

-It alright … - kindly explained the younger -... you were extremely drunk, and ended up not doing anything, even if you tried, I would have kicked you off! so....nothing to apologize for senapi ... - he serenely stated, and blatantly lied, at the moment, just extremely happy for the fact that the elder had actually called him

-Still ... being your senpai and all, not even that! just as a human being! That … shouldn't have happened … I was angry and I just, I know it is not a justification, God I can't believe that I … I almost, Kazuki I almo- distressingly resumed the elder, but was newly interrupted by the younger, this time in a hastier manner, as he tried his best to ease thinks for the elder

-Seriously, it is alright senpai … I think - he reassured, and slightly hesitate over what he was about to say -... we should just forget that it have even happened at all ...- he proposed, sounding more confident

-Are you sure? … I can understand, if you don't want to me aro- newly tried to state the elder, and was newly cut off, this time in a more decisive way from the younger, whom absolutely had no intention of cutting the elder out of his life anytime soon

-No … - he stated, as he opened the door to the studio, and quickly glimpsed at Manabu, who had hanged up and was now apathetically staring at him, still comfortably leaning on the wall opposite the studio -... I am coming over … just … to reassure you that things are still alright - he stated, with a more cheerful tone. Truly, he was worried for the elder, and though he didn't think him capable of doing anything stupid to himself, he still wanted to have his own certain proof, that he was already -... If you don't mind that is ...- he then quickly added

-No .. I don't mind ...- calmly replied the elder -... I'm in the GazettE's recording studio ...- he specified, which made Kazuki shake his head in sarcastic wonder, at the realization that through all this time, they had both being in the same building - … I can come … to your place if you prefer though ...- hesitantly proposed the elder

-No it is fine, I am in the PS building as well … I'll come down in a little bit ...- he explained, as he began to walk towards the stairs on his floor, but was suddenly stopped, his shirt apparently caught in something. Turning around, he looked down to see what was obstructing him, just to find Manabu's two digits tightly holding a bit of his shirt, while staring at the elder, with a rather unimpressed expression -... Ja … I'll see you soon ...- greeted Kazuki, turning of his cell-phone, while staring at the younger

-It was him, wasn't he? ...- plainly inquired the younger, at which Kazuki, didn't reply, as he cautiously freed himself from the younger;s grip -... So … you are just going to pick up an go to him … after all his done to you, after all we've discussed, after all you concluded... you still …- firmly began the younger, angrily hissing out the last to words, while he lowered his head, probably in an attempt to hide his vexed features -... you still … you don't think you have been hurt enough? … is this fun to you?!- irately blurted out the younger, snapping his head up at the elder, whom replied with a light smile

-... in a masochistic way? ...- attempted Kazuki, with a genuine smile, but received a deeper scowl from Manabu -... I am aware of the fact that my chances of winning in this game are 0.001%, and that at the end of this, I have a very high probability close to 100% to be the one left fucked over this … but you see ...- he paused kindly smiling, and lowered his head, as he got ready to try to explain the following, to the younger; and himself as well -... Now that I finally pin-pointed the true nature of our “twisted game”, I feel like it is something I must do, the only thing I can do … I feel like I should truly become his kouhai, and truly take care of him ...- he newly paused

-By having sex with him … - readily replied Manabu, in a tone that was supposed to be cautious but came out nothing other than cynical and annoyed

-... that will obviously have to stop ...- as readily replied Kazuki, staring at the younger and dumbly blinking with his facial future teasingly conveying a rather polite and confused looking “... duh? ...”, expression, which was seconds later replaced with a gentle bitter-sweet smile

-When? ...- promptly inquired Manabu, in a tone that almost turned into a whisper, as he took a step closer, while looking up at the elder, which placed him right under the Kazuki's nose

-... Not tonight - quickly replied Kazuki, receiving a swift and deeply sarcastic smirk from the younger -... but I'll do my best to ease guide the processes to a sex-less relationship as quick as I can … some things require time ...- he added, with a light chuckle, which in spite of everything, made the younger lightly grin as well

-Can I ...- then began Manabu -... be waiting for you … while …. you work on this? ...- he then shyly request, his head suddenly lowered towards his shoes, fidgeting with the end of the taller's shirt. Kazuki had seen that coming as well, Manabu, at this point in the “game”, probably just had a very cute crush on him, and even though he had no reason to shove him away, he'd learned his lesson, and given that he was still not emotionally ready to be involved into another relationship, he took his precautions

-... Only ...- began the taller, taking the younger's fingers which were fidgeting with his shirt, in his hand -... only if you promise, not to fall in love with me until that time arrives, and to move on from … if it seems like I'll be eternally stuck ...- he lightly smirked, in order to keep the situation as light as he could, seeing just how hard it had been for the younger, to come out with such sentence, whom lightly chuckled in reply, now staring at their united digits.

-Then hurry the hell up … - jokingly whispered the younger, looking up at the elder -... I'll try my best not too, but I can't promise you anything … - replied the younger, finally sliding out his digits from the elder's

-Fair enough … - replied Kazuki, smiling, and placing his hands in his pockets, as if to protect the pact they'd just made -... Ja ...- he then newly greeted, as he nudged his head and taking one last look at the younger, who merely stood there smiling, he smiled as well, and directed himself towards the lounge where Aoi was waiting for him.

Lounge where they most likely would have had sex, where he probably would have fallen head over heels with the elder all over again, where the usual was bound to befall, where he knew all the risks he was taking, where he knew he was finally bound to be the one to be left insanely suffering at the end of it all. Yet, once he reached the lounge, as they stood silently staring at each other for a few second, after which the younger welcomed the elder's head in the crook oh his neck, he found himself doing something unusual, he was for once, thinking about something that had nothing to do with the elder. Even as they consequentially began to make out, his head kept working on this unusual something that was a particular sound, which just wouldn't stop chiming in his head.

It was a melody for a song, a sweet one, a hopeful one, and it kept playing over and over in his head, as if it wanted him to be sure to remember it, and start writing the tabs for it as soon as he got a chance. He wasn't sure what it was going to talk about, but because of the particular feeling that helped in the birth of said melody, which had been all thanks to a certain cute little guitarist, he would have left the lyrics to Byou to take care of as usual, but would have requested that the lyrics ended with something like “... Sotto egao misetekuretara ... Mada te wo tsunaideite [= If you would please show me your gently smile… again holding hands] ”. And hopefully, said song will be published in their next album, hopefully, along the way, Aoi would have turned out to be just a bitter-sweet memory, and hopefully, by then, he would be ready mentally and emotionally ready, and said cute little guitarist would still be waiting and perhaps be alright with Kazuki using said song as a ring-tone for him.

A/N: I AM TERRIBLY SORRY FOR THE DELAY WITH THIS!! But I amso glad I was able to conclude this, and I would like to elaborate more on this, but I am really on a short schedule, like I wrote on my last notification, given that I am getting ready to leave to go to Japan in 3 hours ...YAAAY … but one things I can say real quick. It ruly doesn't matter what circumstances we fall in love in, because that emotion (love) is something we generally can't control, and that will keep hunting us until we finally find the way to deal with with it, WILLINGLY and keeping in mind that it may and may not be successful, no matter how hard we would want it to; Love is a risk, a game, and not playing might be a way to avoid suffering from a lose, but if you nevr play you are already throwing away 50% chance of victory … and that is some fucking high percentage to just throw away! So keep playing the love game again! Over and over again, you just never know when you might win. LOL.

PS. the song that Kazuki came up with at the end (for the purpose of this one shot, I don't know who actually wrote the song among them...) was 白雪と舞う“Shiro Yuki To Mau” from ScReW's Fusion of the Core album.

Much Love (~_^ )/

See you all my Daalins in 17 days!