Masochistically Fun ... In An Insanely Painful Way .... [AOI/KAZUKI] - ONE SHOT part 3 of 4

[luna_no_koibito]

Title: Masochistically Fun … in an Insanely Painful Way Part 2 of 3
Chapters: one shot
Author: luna_no_koibito
Genre: Angst, Life, Romance
Warnings: Mention of sexual activity, mature language, cursing
Rating: PG-16
Pairing: Aoi / Kazuki
Bands: The Gazette, ScReW
Disclaimer: I don't own them, and don't wish I did because I'd be sorry for what could befall them （・＿・；）！
Comment: This was inspired by a blog that Kazuki had written, in his journal, regarding a night in which Aoi went to visit Kazuki.

Summary: Something that Kazuki kept blaming himself for not having been able to grasp that night, because those eyes had clearly told him that Aoi, such as himself, was a very …

~ SECOND PART ~


“... He Wished He Didn't ...”

By the elder's main entrance, inside the younger's shower, on the floor in Aoi's room, on the floor just outside Kazuki's room (couldn't make it any further), in short, anywhere two bodies could savagely and shamelessly fuck each other, Kazuki and Aoi had. Everywhere but, dare you, either his kitchen or Aoi's studio, for the rest, any surface in both their apartments had been fair game, and had been pretty much baptized. It truly seemed like they couldn't keep their hands off each other, and the elusiveness with which they interacted among others made everything so much better. It was like they were in their own little world and Kazuki loved every little detail in it.

He loved those mornings in which they would so happen to get at the PS building together, and conclude that they absolutely needed to get all the way to the top of the building to get some fresh air before starting the day. Thus, they would use the old elevator in the back of the building, and once inside, they would hungrily grope and make out all the way up, breathe for three second once they reached the top, close the elevator, and resume the routine all the way down. He loved it when he'd so happen to stop inside the west wing lounge on the second floor, and nonchalantly walk towards one of the vending-machines, after politely greeting the room's usual guests, to get a can of iced coffee, which the elder had got him as well addicted to, and in the moments in which Uruha would turn around to talk to him, Aoi would perform provoking stares, sensual lip-licks and what not, as Kazuki would try his best to keep a stright face while conversing with Uruha. He loved it when the Gazette and Screw would walk passed each other in hallways, and Aoi would so happen to bump into him, and they'd stop for few seconds in which Kazuki would be the one to apologize because “I keep doing this, I apologize … I am such a clumsy kouhai ...” and Aoi would dismiss him saying “Well … one of this days, this magnificent senpai of yours, will just have to punish you, ne?”

Their little hidden world had been very close to perfection, at least during those first four month following their agreement, in which Kazuki could nothing but agree with the elder's point of view on their unconditioned sex-life, for once, it helped that he was indeed having sex with a man, who could be considered very much close to a deity, and second, it really hadn't been as “unconditional” as it could have been; … as it should have been. It hadn't, because some where along the road, the elder began to add randomly affectionate gesture, every now and then, such as a few caresses, sweet-words whispering, silent eye-stares, and Kazuki began to subconsciously appreciate those particular gestures above sex itself, and that had been when Apocalypse landed on their little hidden world, ever subtle but not indiscreet, because Kazuki could feel something happening, an unforeseen change; just couldn't tell what

And it had become an even greater bewilderment, having to find himself craving more and more of those affectionate gestures, because with the passage of time, he simply wanted to sit and chat, or hold hands, or cuddle, and, which had been the number one shocker; no sex. Sex had suddenly turned out to be something he could “theoretically” live without, and he wasn't too sure of why, or perhaps he wasn't too sure he wanted to admit to why yet, main reason, being that the elder didn't seem to have been undergoing the same change of heart, thus, he never voiced his seemingly “selfish wants”, and just kept them as that, and deep down inside himself.

Yet, those wants didn't seem to be too comfortable staying deep down inside him, they were constantly rebelling, and they would manage to surface more often than seldom, making it so hard to keep them at bay, as they quickly turned themselves into needs, and it scared him; beyond believe. It frightened him because at the point in which he finally had to admit what this feeling was, he also knew very darn well that he had absolutely no clue how to stop it from happening. He was falling in love with his beloved senpai, from the world's highest peek, without parachutes, free falling into that deep cold ocean called love; … and he wasn't too sure he was capable of swimming either.

That, his free falling, had been a frightful though indeed, one that had kept him clutched to his cell phone ever so tightly, ever so in doubt and distress, more and more nights in the semi-darkness of his room, on his bed next to his, by then less and less used, guitar, pondering on whether he should call the elder and discuss this feeling of his, and maybe find out that he hadn't been alone at the top of that high peek, and that the elder might have been falling right behind him. However, even in his frightened and confused state of mind, he had been sensible enough to conclude that such topic was something he really would have to discuss in person and not over his ipod.

Thus, he concluded to simply hang in there, somewhere , and patiently wait for the right moment to bring forth his heart-affliction, while fantasizing on the possibilities, of the elder really having feelings for him as well, which however, was always a bittersweet thought. A thought that initially made him smile and frown at the same time, as he'd end up convincing himself that such was an preposterous thought, and eventually made him cynically laugh and hopelessly cry; realizing just how much he wanted that to be nothing but true.

The right moment came on the night of his birthday, a good month an a half following his thoroughly reached conclusions. They were having dinner at his place, and had spent hours chatting and laughing about everything and nothing, as their usual. Then, as the evening was coming to an end they remained in the kitchen, where Kazuki was allowed to satisfy his obsessive compulsive needs, by washing dishes, which according to Aoi could wait until tomorrow, at least for today, because it was his birthday, whereas the elder was sitting at the kitchen table tinkering with the Blackberry Storm he had given the younger as a birthday present

-Are you really sure that this was okay? … - suddenly spoke the elder, still keeping his gaze fixed on the electronic device

-About what? … - curiously inquired the younger, who was still rinsing off their dishes, while backing the elder at the table

-You kow … just having me for your dinner birthday, we could have invited many others ... your band mates … mine … - absently carried on Aoi, whose face Kazuki couldn't see but was hundred percent sure to be completely taken by whatever he was doing on that screen; didn't they already look like a married couple? -... and what song do you want to be my ring-tone for when I am calling you, I'll download it now ...- he then added, completely out of topic

-It's fine … I've had lunch with them already, so that is fine … - lie. He did indeed have lunch with them, but also threatened them no to show any of their face during said evening, they all gave him nervous and questioning looks, but ended up taking well; he believed -... and I think … Gazette's Distress and Coma …?- he then hesitantly replied to the ring-tone question

-Uh?! ...w-why?! - readily replied the elder turning around on his chair, facing Kazuki's back, who was steadily staring at his dishes, chewing on his lower lip pondering on the fact that he should have expected such a reaction, given that there was no apparent reason for such a choice of song; but god that was exactly how he felt about him at the moment, so ironic for it to be one of his songs though -... I mean … I was expecting something like I don't know … “I'm to sexy for this shirt” ...- he smirked -... or if you had to choose a gazette song, maybe … “Best Friends”? - he concluded as an incredibly loud “What the fuck, definitely not that song!” echoed in the younger's mind, who merely performed a light chuckle in response; … the hell ...best friends? Seriously? …

As he dried his hands on his house towel, and joined the elder at the table, he glimpsed at the highlighted blue area on the screen which indicated “Distress and Coma” but which the elder hadn't yet selected, too busy at the moment gazing at him

-What? ...- curiously stated Kazuki, staring back at the elder

-Distress and Coma? ...- newly inquired the elder, reinforcing the degree of incredulity, and skepticism in his tone

-Yes ...- chuckled Kazuki, pressing the enter button on his cell phone, which completed the selection

-Why? Really out of all the songs? ...- then inquired the elder, giving him the weirdest of looks

-... Why not? - shrugged the younger, waiting to see if the elder for once would pursue the subject, because it was about to fall into the “there might be a meaning to this” section, and Aoi never, ever, even grazed such topics. Just as expected the elder left it at that and shrugged, while Kazuki mentally grimaced; this was going to be much harder than he had predicted.

-Well...- nonchalantly resumed the elder -... shall we move on to better things? ...- he then whispered leaning a little too close into Kazuki's face, whom wouldn't have minded on a different day, as he then observed the elder place the phone on the table and get up, walking in direction of the living room -... since the house is clean, gush, you are so … meticulous ...- he continued, as the younger, dragged himself in toe -... you can cook, good sens of humor … which really makes me wonder why you don't have a lover yet ...- he concluded dropping on the couch and looking up at a rather flabbergasted and perhaps turned rd Kazuki, who turned his head in a “I don't know … but glad you should ask” motion.

That could have been a goo enough moment, for him to calculatedly walk over, and sit next to the elder, stare deep into those dark black orbs, and begin saying something like “about that, you see, the thing is, I was thinking ...”, or maybe something a bit more elaborate and less broad; but something. Which he of course didn't, because his mind was too busy playing a stupid game of ask me a question, I'll reply with another question with the elder, thus what came out of his mouth was

-I could the say the same about senpai … - he stated, sparing himself having to list all the good qualities that the elder had according to him, which wouldn't have ended today, and would have left a vast sea of red in various shades of his body -... which also make me wonder why don't you have a lover … senpai … ?- he then hesitantly concluded, glimpsing at the elder, waiting for a sensible answer, but truly expecting another dodge

-Right … - he smirked, and with that, successfully brushed away the younger's question, as well as successfully, taking away all the last trace of courage that Kazuki had to bring up his delicate issue. He hadn't meant to, but at hearing such an answer the younger, whose head as already lowered as he kept his usual stance on the living room's threshold wall, sighed deliberately, and a quietly irritatingly, gesture which however seemed to have gone completely unnoticed by the elder, who rose to his feet and walked towards him. Once at the threshold, Aoi smoothly landed a hand above Kazuki's head, who turned to reluctantly face him, as Aoi leaned into his ear

-So how about some birthday sex? ...- sensually whispered the elder, already nibbling on the younger's ear without waiting for a reply, which he obviously didn't think he needed, there was no reason to, right? Never, like that day had he wanted to push the elder away, and confidently say “No, I don't want birthday sex .. nor any other random meaningless sex”. However, he hadn't. And they ended up doing just that, following which day he newly awoke to an empty bed, and with a still rather filled up heart, which was apparently too full; given as it began to ache.

Following his birthday, things took a precise and sharp turn for the worst, because life had that completely unamusing and exceedingly logical way of dealing with things in general, by wanting to group what was similar together. For example, just as when his being so ecstatic, at the beginning of this their sex-game, had seemed to have brought forth aloofness, carelessness, good luck, and such, as feelings of insecurity and depression were now washing him over, all source of other unwanted crappy emotions, or events, began to knock at his door.

For starters, Aoi was starting to act weird. He seemed to be forcing himself to even have a quick chat with the younger, because that was all that they began to do, sometime during the beginning of October, “hey, how are you?” would say the elder “fine and you? ...” would dejectedly reply the younger, but his tones always went unnoticed, as the elder would smile and quickly salute, always in seeming so unnervingly in a hurry, “that's good, then we'll catch up later, okay?”. Kazuki would always only nod in reply to the elder's quick good-byes, that was all he did nowadays, deciding it better to keep his mouth closed, scared of what atrocities could come out of it. True, he had wanted to stop the meaningless sex, which they hadn't have any in a good one month, but it hadn't been because he'd finally had the guts to say anything; it just ...stopped. And it hadn't been substituted with any of the caresses, or gentle affectionate gestures he had so desperately longed for, there wasn't even the shadow of those.

All he felt was the elder's sudden coldness in his regards, which perfectly matched with the disgustingly gray October sky that was being displayed day by day in the younger's eyes, even when it had indeed been a pretty decent day. He also had to bear having to entertain himself with the blatantly so forced attempt at a quick chit-chat, and or a quick call, as if to make it seem like nothing had changed, like everything was still like before. Like Kazuki was not to read nothing more in the fact that the elder would come to his house less, and less, and even if he did, he was never alone, which obviously meant, no sex afterward, which he was by then so confused to the whether he should want to have any rather than having nothing at all.

It was all so nerve-wracking, every aspect of it, such as having to hear that fucking song, Distress and Coma, ringing regularly once a day, like a medical prescription from keeping his mind to wonder into trying to understand what had suddenly happened, because Aoi was obviously not going to say anything about it. In fact, Kazuki truly believed that the elder was probably waiting for him to find out what the real deal was, the way he eventually did on an incredibly beautiful and snowy early November day. A day in which Aoi's coldness reached its peek, and in which, as he absently walked towards the west wing lounge on the second floor, he was greeted with the the sight of a somewhat unusual pairing, composed of Aoi and; Hiroto?

They hadn't seen him, and he hadn't heard a word uttered from the two, and had the feeling it would have been better if he hadn't, and all the indications where there, the fact that it was Ruki instead of Uruha, the silence, the uncomfortable “I knew it ...” feeling in his heart, they were telling him he should leave. Yet he stayed, leaning on the wall outside the lounge, and listened.

-I tried … - suddenly began Aoi -... really hard … Takanori I- he instantly stopped, after having pronounced the other's actual name with so much devotion and anguish in his tone, he stopped though Ruki had said not a single word, he stopped, perhaps, because he was suddenly required to say something personal, something deeper that would place him outside of his comfort zone, and Kazuki knew it, he couldn't see anything, but he just could tell -... it's been what now? … three years? ...- continued the elder, his voice maintaining such a hopeful and yet still sorrowful tone, which Kazuki had never been blessed to hear - I just … I need you ...- he then confessed in a lower resigned pitch -... and you need me … so … let's give it another tr- he almost concluded, but was suddenly interrupted, not because he ran out of strength to continue his heroically spoken plea, not because Ruki had suddenly barged out the room, no. The interruption was cause by the distinctive and ever subtle sound of bodies moving against each other, apparently; Ruki had agreed.

Never, had Kazuki thought it even humanly possible, for a person, to have been able to cry as much as he did. Every night, every practice break, every time he had nothing better to do, he cried, cried, and cried, just enough to be able to smile, and cope with the image of the completely overt couple, which loved to flirt around each other even in presence of band members and PS staff, loved to have people randomly utter now and then “... we all knew they were gonna get back together, it was just a matter of fact … anyone could tell” and he fucking loathed them all, for their “justified lack of consideration” in his regards, because there had in fact been someone, who had too busy being unrighteously happy, to notice that ever so meticulous but not too bad after all Ruki slash Takanori was also his beloved senpai's “soul mate”.

There didn't exist, in his opinions, no words that could have described just how unbearable, how excruciatingly painful, living with so much hatred and despair bottled up inside was, same as not being able to let it out, but having to be reminded of such incapability was by far the worst thing. Having to be politely and unintentionally reminded that this, what he thought they had, wasn't anything serious, it wasn't love, not for one of them it wasn't, but just a game, and Aoi, as a good sportsman, had played by the rules, whereas he hadn't; and now it only served him right to have to play his penalty game.

-... Moshi moshi ...- had replied Kazuki, during another dark night in November, he wasn't even sure he knew what day it was anymore, but the fact that Distress and Coma had gone off, didn't allow any mistake in whom his caller was. Thus he replied, readily and cheerfully, because even though he had lost in this game they had been playing, he wasn't going to be a sore loser; at least not on the field

-Hello … - promptly replied the elder in his usual energetic tone -... haven't seen you around in a while, and I guess … I haven't come and visit you in a while either, ne? But you'll have to forgive this senpai of yours … though I am sure by now you have noticed that I have been a little busy … with Ruki and all ….hehehe- he concluded lightly chuckling, as Kazuki attempted a jolly smirk, but completely failed and remained silent instead; … it appeared that that was as far as his acting could go, ne? -... which brings me to the fact, that I should have probably come to you and made it official you know, like a good senpai would have done, introduced his lover to his kouhai … man I am bad - he nonchalantly continued, as Kazuki tried the best he could to fetch the strength to continued in his “it all good” act -... but me and Ruki were wondering whether you wanted to join us and some others for a dinner at my place? … to make it somehow official with everyone ...- he then inquired, making the younger suddenly smirk in reply, such a bitter laughter he didn't even have to pretend, but as always, the his tone went completely misunderstood

-I would love to … but I have some work to do ...have been ...slacking a lot lately ...- he promptly replied, which, even though ironically enough it was the truth, he knew he still wouldn't have done squat anyways, but there was also no fucking way he'd go anywhere near those two- … but do have fun … now I must get back on it … so ...-

-Okay then … if you change your mind you are always welcomed ne … Kazuki-kun- reassured the elder

-Hai! ...- promptly replied Kazuki, ready to end the conversation, but apparently Aoi still had something to say

-Thank you Kazuki-kun … -then uttered the elder

-For what Aoi-senpai? ...- inquired the younger, in feign curiosity, given that all he wanted was just to end the conversation instantly

-For keeping me company … all this time that, I didn't have Ruki around … you really kept me sane you know ... so …. Thank you ...- he explained, making Kazuki newly smirk, this time hoping he could hear the distinct cynic tone in his voice, as a fugitive tears landed on his cheek … yeah, you are so very welcome, you fucking bastard, now how about you stick around a little until I become sane again, uh? …

-No problem at all really … - giggled the younger, as a second tear rushed out of his eye, to join the other on his cheek, just as all the others were waiting to do, as soon as he'd successfully concluded the phone call -... Ja … have fun senpai, I'll talk to you later, bye - he hurried, hoping the elder had nothing else to add

-Ja … bye-bye - serenely replied the elder, soon after which Kazuki severed the electronic connection, ungracefully dropping his phone on his bed, while folding his head on his knees, finally allowing those tightly held in tears to abandon him as well; as everything seemed apt to lately.

Thus November went by, with everyone acting in their usual manner, moving on with their lives, whereas Kazuki kept stalling, while he slowly dying inside, under the well held up surface of a perfectly happy and jolly self, same as his still bleeding heart, which safely laid beneath the surface of the now frozen sea of love he had fallen into, and before he knew it, December came trotting by, bringing more snow, more cold, Christmas and a gift he really hadn't needed.

-Merry Christmas Kazuki-san ...- tiredly stated Manabu, as he got ready to go home, as the rest of the other guests, whom had already left, being it already three o'clock in the morning -... it was really fun … and - he then stopped turning back to glance at the slightly burnt-out looking guitarist, who was leaning by the main entrance door tiredly smiling down at him -... it was even better to see you truly smile again … even if for just a bit ...- he cautiously stated, absently fidgeting with his fit, which his head had been staring, as Kazuki's smile noticeably widened.

He'd truly had fun that night, his friends and band mates had done a hell of a good job, and he could proudly state that he hadn't thought about the elder for more than a second in intervals of an hour each; which was quite the accomplishment, considering that in Japan, Christmas, is as equal as a second Valentine's Day. Yet, he hadn't envisioned that his, until then believed, perfect masquerade had been seen through by anyone, and that, made him somehow happy, because it meant there was someone out there, whom seemed to be concerned about him, but at the same time, it saddened him a tad, for he didn't believe he deserved as much, not for his situation, and he hoped the younger hadn't also clued in on the cause of his distress.

-You are welcome … and it was all thanks to everyone, and you in particular for helping me tidy up ...- serenely stated the elder, turning to look around at his brand new looking apartment -... it would have taken me forever … thank you Manabu-chan! - he playfully thanked, imitating the typical burikko [= Japanese term for girls that act exceedingly childish, knowing that some men find that very attractive] girl's high pitch tone, and blowing a kiss at the younger, who sent him a feign death glare, making them both laugh for a while

-Ja … oyasumi ...- Manabu then wished, turning around, but quickly suddenly stopped, and unmoving he stayed, staring at something in front of him

-... Manab- curiously began to call Kazuki wondering the reason of such an abrupt halting, but the younger's name died in his mouth, as soon as he found himself gawking at the same thing - … senpai? ...-

And indeed he was, Aoi, right there, standing some feet away, wearing a long opened black leather jacket, which was as black as the rest of his garment, and damp hair. He stood there, hands in his pocket, nudged at Manabu with a quick smile, and replaced his gaze on Kazuki

-Merry Christmas … - wished the elder, newly glimpsing at Manabu, whom was still staring with a particular expression, which was far far away from wonder, in fact, if Kazuki hadn't been wrong, he could dare say that it was something more close to annoyance -... to the both of you of course- quickly stated the elder, calmly making himself forth - I wasn't hoping to find you still awake, but … just my luck I guess - he then concluded with a gently smiling at Kazuki

-Yeah … - apathetically stated Manabu -... just your luck Aoi-san ...-he added, sounding more and more unfriendly, and seemingly ready to go nowhere anymore, which Kazuki quickly noticed that, and among the few conclusions his still rather shocked mind had been able to reach, one was that Manabu might have in fact known the cause of his discomfort after all, and now he was maybe trying to protect him. Lightly smiling at the back of his band mate, who was still staring up at the elder, Kazuki mentally thanked the younger for the further concern in his regards, but he also mentally begged for his forgiveness, because, in the end, considering the way he felt at the moment, which he knew he was supposed to feel utterly ashamed about, but; he didn't want to be protected from something he still wanted so badly.

-Thanks again for coming Manabu ...- Kazuki finally spoke, officially dismissing the younger guitarist, whom didn't seem to enthusiastic about taking his leave, but smiled nonetheless, as well as politely nodded his head to the eldest guitarist, and walked away, as Kazuki moved out of his doorway, allowing the elder in.

-You probably didn't expect to see me here ne? ...- commenced the elder placing himself right in the middle of the living room, as his usual, waiting for Kazuki, to follow and place himself by the living room's threshold, just as his usual, which however, he didn't. This time, he walked inside the living room, and walked right behind his couch, behind Aoi, and looking away from the elder he simply stood and listen. That simple gesture, for the first time in the history of their sick little game, seemed to have slightly thrown off the elder, making Kazuki wonder whether it had been wrong to slightly rejoice in that -... though I tried to call quite a few times … but you didn't answer- he added, as Kazuki turned around to face his back

-I was going to call you back ...- replied Kazuki, whom had purposely turned his cell phone to vibrate deciding that; Distress and Coma didn't exactly fit into the Christmas spirit -... it was so busy here at a point, so many invited and non-invited people … I was a bit concerned for the sake of my apartment...- he calmly lied, given that everyone kept answering their cell phones regardless, for it was a normal and expected occurrence for your cell phone to be ringing non-stop on Christmas day, and that aside, because of the meaning Christmas carried in Japan, he wasn't expecting the elder to call him at all, not when in the company of his own lover, which then brought him to the following question -... and … aren't you supposed to be with Ruki-san? ...- he cautiously inquired, now looking away, as the elder turned towards him

-Well well well … - Aoi snickered, resentment clearly audible in his laughter -... isn't it just like him to want to break up on Christmas Day? ...- sarcastically smiled the elder, bits of anger sipping here and there from those deep dark orbs, while Kazuki mentally performed a bitter grin; ... he should have known ...

-I am so sorry senpai ...- he respectfully stated, instead of “... stars could fall, oceans dry, and not a single part of me would feel compelled to cry ...”; … how poetic

-Nothing to be sorry about … I actually kind of saw this coming …- shrugged the elder, sounding completely honest -... though I really did hope it would work this time ...- he stated, turning his head to towards the ceiling ... was he ...crying? -... but, I am not the type of person to stay an brood on what I can't help ...-he quickly stated, looking down at a politely smiling Kazuki

-I see ...- cordially replied Kazuki instead of “... so then you though ... let's move on to the next fuckable thing … right?” and didn't he feel like a total ass for thinking that just now, given how the elder seemed to be truly suffering; … but oh, he just couldn't help it ...

-Ne Kazuki-kun ...-then suddenly called the elder in a lower tone, interrupting the recent silence, as he gracefully and slowly brought himself, around the couch and right behind the younger, where he carefully wrapped his arms around his waste, hid his face into the younger's chestnut colored locks, and pleadingly whispered on his neck -... will you sleep with me tonight? ...-

“No, no, no! Hell fucking no!” bellowed Kazuki's head, with all the strength it possessed, but his mouth, as usual, didn't seem to agree in the least

-... Mhmm ...- he hummed in agreement, vexatiously chewing on his lower lip, while Aoi held his hand and guided them towards his bedroom, were he made them lay, newly placing himself behind the younger, and newly wrapping his arms behind him

-Just sleeping ... no sex … if you don't mind - Aoi kindly stated, while tightening the grip around Kazuki's waist, whom newly nodded in agreement, swiftly drying away a fugitive tear of pure joy in the processes. So long he had waited to hear those exact words from the elder, and all things considered, he could positively declare that that had been the best Christmas present he'd received so far.

Yet, once again, he should have known; … good things, always, come to an end.

~ FINAL PART ~

A/N: Sorry no time for A/N on this part ..runs to finsih final part!!!