Masochistically Fun ... In An Insanely Painful Way .... [AOI/KAZUKI] - ONE SHOT part 2 of 4

[luna_no_koibito]

Title: Masochistically Fun … in an Insanely Painful Way Part 2 of 4
Chapters: one shot
Author: luna_no_koibito
Genre: Angst, Life, Romance
Warnings: Cursing
Rating: PG-15
Pairing: Aoi / Kazuki
Bands: The Gazette, ScReW
Disclaimer: I don't own them, and don't wish I did because I'd be sorry for what could befall them （・＿・；）！
Comment: This was inspired by a blog that Kazuki had written, in his journal, regarding a night in which Aoi went to visit Kazuki.

Summary: Something that Kazuki kept blaming himself for not having been able to grasp that night, because those eyes had clearly told him that Aoi, such as himself, was a very …

~ FIRST PART ~



“... And Now That He Did ...”

Just how long was he going to idly keep himself on that fucking stool, staring at his fucking cell phone, which he knew, very fucking well, wasn't going to ring just by dazing at it? Just how far was he going to allow himself to deteriorate before he'd finally realized that he'd long time already crossed that rather thick line into the world of unhealthy desperation? And for what? Something he'd consciously got himself into? Because it would have been enough, and the most sensible decision, to just have said “No ...”, to firmly stand his ground, after he'd concluded that that night had been not a mistake, but just something that wasn't supposed to happen, not between two people in their state of mind. “No Senpai, I wont …” if he'd even had just a tiny bit of respect for himself, those should have been the words that should have flown out of his mouth, and if he'd truly loved his Senpai, like he presently kept stating to himself that he did “... and I don't think you should do that either ...” should have been the words that Kazuki would have added to the previous statement. But none of that obviously happened, and now there he was.

Forlornly lowering away his gaze from his cell phone, he then resolved to also, get up and place his guitar back in the stand, where at least it would served the purpose of looking pretty and expensive, and just because life was just plainly sadistic, he should have also known, that as soon as he'd found himself steps away from the loathed electronic device, the freaking thing would have suddenly start vibrating. Quickly turning his head around, he stared at the vibrating object, just stared, for it dawned on him that the chances of it being Aoi were really slim, and the disappointment of walking all the way over there to find him not being the one would have been immense. Thus, he just stood there, subconsciously waiting for the call to end, for even if it did, and if it'd turned out to be the elder guitarist, he would have now been permitted to call him back with the pretext of a missed call.

Hesitantly releasing the neck of his guitar, he unknowingly breathed out of his nose, and calmly walked back to the equalizer on top of which his device had stopped vibrating. He then gingerly picked up the Blackberry Storm, which had been last year's birthday present from the elder brunette, whom had spent half an afternoon explaining why iphones were overrated. Lightly smiling to the still very endearing memory, he touched the screen of his phone, which signaled one missed call, and after taking a now conscious big breath he touched the sentence, to find out who had called him; Manabu. Once again, not a shocker, very much expected, especially after he'd ended up braking down in front of the younger during the past New Year's Eve, where things didn't go exactly as he'd hoped they would.; still though ... not who he wanted.

Swallowing hard, and trying his best not to allow himself be swept away by the monstrously high wave of disappointment, he was about to place the device back on the silver surface, when it started vibrating again, and no doubt, it had to be the younger guitarist again, and just as predicted, Manabu it was. Closing his eyes, and sighing in a tad bit of irritation, mixed with quite the amount of frustration, he then decided to answer the call, for he knew the other wouldn't have given up, subsequently resolving on tracking him down, which Kazuki absolutely wouldn't have fancied; … not when there was still a nonexistent possibility that the other would have called.

-Moshi moshi ...- he effortlessly replied, slowly and intensely massaging his forehead, while he newly sat on the same leather stool

-Hey … - calmly greeted Manabu, no speculation or provocation in his voice; yet. Because the elder knew Manabu's call to have one exact goal, speculate and provoke, in the concerned and determined way in which only a friend who cared would.

-... Hey ...- dejectedly breathed out Kazuki, whom was trying his best not to make that “Hey” the only word he would have been able to speak without already sounding like he obviously had no will or strength to hold a conversation, at least not with anybody, whose name didn't start with an “A” and ended with an “I”; but that was a concept well known to the both of them.

-Where are you? ...- inquired the younger, still keeping his calm and composed tone

-In the recording studio ...- apathetically and truthfully replied Kazuki, though he could have tried to lie. He could have, for example, declared that he was at home, but not only there was a high chance that Manabu had already stopped by his house and found him obviously not there, but the matter of the fact, was that there really was no use in lying to Manabu, first of, he was the only one that was familiar with his distress, and second; … he would have been caught lying anyways, like it had happened so far

-Doing what? … - continued the younger, seemingly unaffected by the practically tangible “leave me alone” vibe that was seeping out of the elder

-Is there something else you can do in a recording studio? ...- readily replied Kazuki, with a light chuckle, which was meant to be just that, but came out as sounding very cynical; and wasn't it just fucktastic to find out that he had absolutely no more control over his emotions?

-Definitely not what I am sure you are doing at the moment … - delicately replied Manabu, seemingly still having no intention of detonating Kazuki's emotional bomb, who also had no intention of answering, for no matter how cautiously the younger had stated his reply, it still sounded quite accusatory to him, thus kept his silence - … did you hear from him? ...- then resumed the younger after quite a few second of another “leave me alone” silence

-No- promptly and dryly replied the elder

-Then go home ...- as promptly and dryly replied the younger, newly receiving no answer from the elder -... why do you even stay there? What's the difference in “waiting for him” there or in your house anyway? ...- resumed the younger. Kazuki newly kept his silence, lightly smiling to himself, and the reasons why he'd been coming here lately. It sounded somewhat of a stupid reason, perhaps even nonsensical, but that was the conclusion his brain had reached lately

-We ...- he hesitantly began, once again pondering on whether he should even bother explaining -... we can't have sex in here ...- he then spilled, knowing that the other would have found a way to get it out of him anyways , and this time, it was Manabu's time to keep quite - I just … I just want to hear his voice, be around him … I just wan- he tried to explain in a rather resigned tone, but was again interrupted by the younger

-Go home, and if he calls, don't answer- instructed Manabu, this time in a firm tone

-I can't do that - quickly, and as firmly, replied Kazuki

-Well you sure as hell have to try harder Kazuki ...- readily retorted the younger, seemingly trying his best not to lose his temper, as he resignedly sighed, and received no reply from the elder, whom truly just ... didn't want to do that -... are you really expecting him to call? Are really sitting there, in that recording studio, with the assurance and conviction that he will eventually call you?- resumed the younger, a low dose of irritation starting to blend with his tone, as Kazuki still proceeded in using his right to remain silent.

The answer was an obvious and blatant “No. I don't”, however, there was an infinitesimally small part of him, deep down inside somewhere, that felt he would have called. He would have tried to get to him, just like he'd ended up doing the night following their first unforeseen rendezvous.

The following morning, as his eyes were reluctantly forced to welcome the ever unsubtle sun-rays, his senses woke up as well perceiving that his lips, still lingered with the familiar taste of involuntary shared alcohol, his body, still lingered in the after-sex glow, however, his shirt, was then the only thing lingering over his body. Groggily sitting up, he remained silent in an attempt to perceive any type of sound that would have indicated the presence of a second person, and even though looking to his feet and noticing that the elder's clothes were gone, was a clear indication that he was gone as well, he still carefully looked around himself hoping he'd see said person maybe pop out from the direction of his bathroom. After a good five minutes of stillness, he then closed his eyes while bitterly smirking, as he got off his couch, and directed himself to his bathroom in order to get ready for his usual routine, while mentally getting ready to face probably the most awkward day of his life.

As soon as he'd arrived at the PS building, just as usual, Jin instantly assaulted him, playfully whining about Yuuto not being responsive, the bassist skeptically glimpsed at Kazuki, while shrugging, Byou rolled his eyes from the comfort of their couch, Manabu shook his head in endearing resignation, and Kazuki, to his own surprise, just as usual, patted Jin's head, smugly grinned at the blond, and ordered him to get their bassist laid. As usual, they all laughed, himself included, and as he did so, he began to wonder. He wondered whether anyone among his band-mates had had anything even similar to what had happened to himself the previous night, he wondered whether any of their untroubled laughter, free smiles, and casual behaviors were truly forced, fake; such as his.

In such manner his day kept proceeding, ordinarily, and the same appeared for members in other bands. Kai kept being involuntarily chased by staff, Reita was about to go and lunch with their manager, and Uruha was on the second floor's west located lounge conversing with Aoi. It hadn't been in his conscious intention to direct himself to that particular lounge, though he really had gone out of his way given that he was on the east of the fifth floor, but he had indeed wanted to know, whether things were truly unfolding as usual, and having Aoi in said lounge, with his fellow guitarist, should have been enough of a confirmation, if only, as soon as their eyes met, the elder hadn't suddenly excused himself, and without a smile, not even a single word, composedly exited the lounge form the opposite entrance.

He shivered.

Following the sudden reaction, his heart sank, confusion jumbled his mind, and a rather unfamiliar sense of wanting to cry was distressingly pocking beneath his eyes, and though he really had wanted to have followed the elder, he didn't find the courage, and resolved to instead politely smile, bow at a slightly confused Uruha, quickly return towards his fifth floor of normality, among his own members, and try his best to normally conclude his day; and hadn't trying to be himself, been the hardest thing he'd had to do in a long time. It had been hard indeed, to work with a clouded mind, and heavy heart, but he somehow succeeded, he somehow managed to keep it all bottled in, as he somehow manged not confront the elder, the few other times they passed each other, saying nothing, in random hallways, or when at the end of the day, they both found themselves in the proximity of the same exit, which made him instinctively keep his stance, as he painfully observed the elder calmly walk out, and away.

And it was such a weird sensation, to find himself at home, not wanting to do anything, so awkwardly contradictory, to be passively leaning by his window, watching as the world proceeded unaffected, when something so noticeable had happened to himself, and he had no idea what to do about it, as he absently grazed through the surface of his iphone, which he was tightly holding in his hands. The stress was going to devour him, he was sure, and given that he righteously considered himself too young to die, and still not so involved not the be able to stand a few cold words of rejection or denial from the elder, he decided to call. The chances that the other wouldn't have replied were high, given the whole avoidance game, but it was alright, because he would have left a message anyway. Saying that he would completely remove their night from his head, because beyond anything else, he really didn't want to lose his Senpai, and if he could cordially do the same.

Thus he called, and it rang, rang, and rang and as expected no answer.

Uh? Momiji Manju? You want me, to come and sing that for you?! Rea~lly?! Sure thing, sure thing, but I am obviously not available now … so, yeah … you know what to do ne? bee~p went his voice mail, the elder not only spoke in thick Kansai accent, but also made his own “beeping” sound, making it impossible not to lightly chuckle, no matter how bad he didn't want to; that Kansai buffon

-I... Good evening Aoi-senpai I- tried to formulate Kazuki, but was suddenly interrupted by the ringing bell of his apartment. Acting on instinct, he reluctantly went to see whom was ringing from the main door's peephole, and as he stupidly blinked at his door, he slowly opened it, while still holding his phone pressed to his ear, as he dumbly stared at none other than his adored Senpai

-Calling me? ...- stated the elder with a light grin, followed by a tamer version of his usual smirk, as Kazuki slowly lowered his phone and placed it in his pocket, still staring at the elder, but this time light shades of anger were appearing on his features, as they kept standing there unmoving and speechless -... may I please come in? ...- then cautiously requested the elder, all signs of playfulness and hilarity disappeared form his own visage, as Kazuki silently and apathetically nodded once, and moved to the side to let him in.

While Kazuki closed the door to his apartment, as his usual, the elder made his way into the living room, and stood in the middle of it with both his hands into his pockets waiting for the younger to join, whom after taking a few second to make sure that his heart was at the right pace to handle whatever was to come, turned around, and walked towards his living room, stopping by the threshold. Aoi began to slowly scratch the back of his head, as if he had to get ready to explain something rather difficult and frustrating, and Kazuki wished he could just tell him to get it over with because he'd had enough silence from him to last him for an entire life time he was sure.

-... Last night was- began the elder in an unsure manner, soon after focusing his slightly shocked gaze on Kazuki, who suddenly interrupted him

-... a mistake- blurted out the younger, which he hadn't mean to, not so abruptly, he he newly lowered his head slightly tilting it to the side. He really hadn't, but he really wanted to get this over with immediately, if possible, and he was, in all honesty, quite ready and willing to work on getting back to what they had before; if possible … if possible not lose everything because of one night as such

-... ouch ...- lowly stated the elder, followed by a light snicker of his, which was probably supposed to indicated his usual nonchalance, yet, his features seem to be betraying for he truly seemed slightly lost, almost as if he hadn't quite expect that particular answer -... and … you got to this conclusion how? ...- he added, taking a step towards the younger, who was the one now looking rather confused, as he dumbly blinked at the elder, and loudly wondered inside his head “... The nerve! … but no, never-mind … must work on getting things back … getting things back ...yes ...” thus remind silent -... was it ... because I was drunk? … - then inquired the elder, as Kazuki's bemused features became even more so, as he bit his lower lip, realizing that he had somehow completely forgot about that tiny little bit, which was slightly fazing, given that he was sure his opinion had been purely based on the ignoring act performed by the elder during the day; which for some reason, began to sound like such a childish reason, compared to what should have been quite the sensible one. Then again, did there really have to be a reason for something like that? That, had just not have happened, period, right?

-No, I just, I- tried to reply the younger, but was quickly interjected by the elder, who'd taken more steps forward, but still hadn't noticed, too busy trying to get read of feelings he truly couldn't even pinpoint, smallness? Helplessness? Or even both, in such an amount that his head could have exploded at any time?; … yeah something like that

-Is there … even the slight chance that … - then inquired Aoi, finding himself suddenly in front of Kazuki, who blinked rather violently wondering exactly when had the elder moved from the center of the living room -... that perhaps you truly don't regret ...last night? ...- kept speaking, his voice progressively lowering, assuming what could be described as a serious tone, as his face got dangerously closer to the younger's, who found himself unknowingly plastering his back on the edge of the threshold -... because I really don't ...- concluded the elder, practically whispering on his lips, action which however didn't carry any intent of seduction, or at least, that was what those deep dark orbs, he had been staring at for the past five minutes, seem to say, such a contrast compared to his bafflement, which came in reaction of the elder's entirely unexpected reply

-You d-don't? ...- instantly blurted out the younger, receiving a confident head shaking by the elder, which served to only deepened his confused frown, as he then decided in slight frustration, to give him a sip of his bottled up emotions -... so what was all the ignoring about? the cold attitude? now you really can't expect me to think anything positive out of such a behavior … can you ... Senpai? - he began, all fired up, ready to let it all out, but ended up cooling down in the process, and sounding more like a dog with his tail between his legs, as kept losing resolve by staring straight into those deep dark gentle orbs

-I was wondering ...- resumed the elder, slowly backing off from the younger guitarist, and dropping on the opposite side of the threshold, his head somewhat lowered, and his arms fold in his chest

-... what? … - gingerly inquired the younger, while slightly slouching on his part of the threshold, finally allowing himself some good intake of air, as he cautiously observed the elder

-I was wondering whether … -resumed the elder, newly raising his head, and effortlessly trapping the yougner's gaze with his -... whether you wanted to perhaps do it again … consciously … every once in a while? … - he proposed, sounding, looking, and acting so incredibly calm and seriously that the “... Uh? ...” which was supposed to blur out of Kazuki's mouth was completely taken aback; … did he really wanted them to be ... - I thought about it … and … if you are alright with it ...- he went on explaining, and concluded gently smiling at the younger, who was still trying to wrap his mind around the fact that it appeared, as if the elder was trying to ask of him to be his

-Se … fre? ...- he cautiously whispered, deep down inside praying to all gods for once to be incredibly wrong, though there really wasn't any other way he could have understood that, was there? and just as expected, he received another confident nod, which made him bite his lower lip, and absently nod is head away in a contemplative gesture, however truly not knowing what to contemplate. Having a sefre, also known as sex friend, was something very common in their kind of environment, and though they'd never talked about it, and he truly never had intended to have touched such topics unless proposed by the elder himself, he had no doubt that Aoi, being Aoi, had quite the number of continuously changing sefre, just as much as everyone else in PS did, and it would have certainly been a simple matter of time before he did as well.

So yes it was normal but ... really? Kazuki had always thought of his senpai as a very genuine and wise man, he respected the elder, he loved him the way an affectionate kouhai [ = person who has a senpai] would, maybe just a tad more, but god, was the younger the only one to find himself being chosen for such a role a bit … out of place? And it was in the very few moments, such as this, that Kazuki would realize that the more he though he was getting to know him, the more he realized he wasn't, in fact it seemed to work inversely. Aoi was such a mystery at times, and countless times he wished he could have had the power to read his mind, through those dark orbs, that complex constantly confabulating head of his, which make him be so eloquent and detailed when it came to superficial, and trivial matters such as his love for technology or the ever constant jokes he'd like to share with the world, whereas it would make him so taciturn, aggravatingly implying and vague when regarding anything that had to deal with him personally.

-You do not have a lover right Kazuki-kun ...- resumed Aoi, as the younger merely shook his head, while intently staring at the elder's feet as he kept assailing his mind with questions he had no answer to -... I really had been thinking for a while now … and given that I am not in the position of being able to devote myself to a proper relationship … and truthfully tired of jumping from bed to bed ...- he continued, as the Kazuki wondered exactly how was this supposed to convince him into doing anything at all -... I concluded that I'd rather be with someone, whom I trust, and who I like quite some ...and could think of nobody else but you … - he confessed, as the younger tried to lower his head as much as possible to hide the obvious blush on his face, having that been the first time he'd heard such word from the elder regarding himself, and he was obviously quite flattered -... nothing would change, I'll still be your devoted senpai, will still do all that we do normally and spontaneously as always … just ...raising the fun a notch higher … what do you say? Ii desu ka? [= is it okay?] ...- he then concluded with the most genuine and reassuring smile that Kazuki had ever seen him perform, while he kept his gentle stare on him obviously waiting for a reply.

That had been the exact moment in which, for the very first time in his life, Kazuki had been forced to realize that there was something essentially wrong with the way the human brain was wired with the rest of its body, because if he were to have followed the whole thinking process he'd made during the past ten minutes, that would have been the exact moment when said brain should have ordered his mouth to say “No Senpai, I am sorry and in all honesty … I don't think you should either”. Yet what had come out of his mouth was “... Mhmm … sounds like fun” while also widely smiling, which confirmed the fact that his mouth was truly wired to something else other than his brain, what, he didn't know, and was sure he didn't even want to know.

Yet, he hadn't been completely wrong, for, exceeding all of Kazuki's expectations, fun it had turned out to be indeed; … at least for a while.

~ THIRD PART ~

A/N: … ( >_>) so yeah … I DEEPLY APOLOGIZE, I planned it weird, and though that I could have brushed on a certain part, but turned out that I couldn't so it is now three parts and I apologize for that, but it will not take too long for the last part to be out, I promise! So … Kazuki, Kazuki, Kazuki though giving that it is Aoi he is sefreing for I really don't blame him ...but yeah … did this really spelled disaster from the beginning? Will see in the PROMISE last part. Thanks so much for the encouragement everybody, means a lot, such as reading and commenting, you are all the best!

Much Love. -LnK♥(~_^ )/-