AKAI ITO #2 - LOVE-ADDICTION - [JIN (ScReW) / YUUTO (ex-ScREW)]
Title: Love-Addiction
Series: Akai Ito
Author: luna_no_koibito
Genre: AU, Angst, Introspection
Warnings: cursing, slight schizophrenic moment.
Rating: PG-15
Pairing: Yuuto / Jin
Bands: ScReW; Ex-ScReW
Disclaimer: I don't own them, and don't wish I did because I'd be sorry for what could befall them （・＿・；）！
Summary: The need to love, the want to be loved, when you can't have both; what should you do? (Jin POV)
Dedicated to: chocoholix It is a sad one, but hope you like it ... or understand it for what it is.
“Love-Addiction”
片思い(Kataomoi) - Unrequited Love
made by me
Small eyes, small ears, a small nose, a small mouth with a perfectly white and straight denture, all neatly placed on this face of mine, which by many is referred to as cute, and by many more as handsome. Five feet four, not fat, not too slim, light toned skin, though fake blond, altogether, for my height and age, I would think of myself as possessing a decent body. I enjoy company. I tell funny jokes, have interesting point, make intelligent remarks, speak my mind, but I'm always open to listening other people's opinions, and even though every once in a while I do end up starting a couple of unnecessary arguments, all in all, I think people would say that they appreciate my company.
The aforementioned description was by no means meant to boast myself. I am not that type of person. If you have been my friend for a long time, or even just a mere acquaintance of mine, you would know as much by having spoken with me almost instantly. By perhaps having a night long conversation with me, you will come to understand a lot of things about me, for example I don't absolutely loath deception. By consequence, it is only fair on my behalf to no deceive, is it not? Yet, I am an actor by profession, thus, I have made it my job to deceive. Have I left you somewhat perplexed?
If so, I wouldn't blame you at all, to be quite honest, I used to be perplexed about myself as well. In my mere twenty-five years of life I've always found my morals and actions to be often rather contradictory. Yet, if you'll allow me, for a long time I've been so proud of the person I've become, I worked so hard to achieve my physical health, and to perfect my behavior in such a way that I could be comfortable with myself and others. There is a certain feeling you obtain when you are alright with the person you are, its refreshing, comforting, it makes it as if you could perfectly function in this world, even though you don't have a purpose, it gives you confidence and security … incredible strength … the strength of a thousand men is suddenly in your possession. I used to feel like that, I used to be that type of person with that sort of power, and it was perfect.
Then, I fell in love. Again.
Oh wouldn't I like to say that the reason for making myself a better person was for the pure need of wanting to be a better person. Alas, I am completely aware that all these perfecting processes of my persona were consequences of myself recovering from the umpteenth heartbreak, caused by unrequited love, which had become a rather annoying pattern for me. For some reason, I seem not to be able to fall for someone, whom can reciprocate. Why can't I fall for those that show some interest in me? I don't know. All I know is that I unfortunately, I fell in love again, I fell for Miyagi Yuu, and when I did, this time around; it all fell apart.
“Damn Jin, you really are handsome you know ...” Yuu had suddenly observed the night of our final show, for our school's final project. We frequented the same acting university, and the first time I had met him during my freshman year, like everyone else, I thought that he was handsome, but a bit plane, that he was quite polite, but also not so fun to be around with because of his being too taciturn. Then, out of nowhere, during time we had to work together one project in our sophomore year, things changed. He suddenly turned out to be absolutely more handsome than myself, his silence appealing … his charm was as superior ... all of these, all of a sudden; all of a fucking sudden “... you are also smart ... funny … seriously, a total catch” he added, lightly smiling in the way he always did, as he walked right besides me, who was trying to remove whatever make up I had, while facing the big dressing room's mirror “... whoever is going to be with you, will be a lucky man” he then concluded, while I seriously contemplated turning around and telling him a wholeheartedly felt; ... fuck you.
“Thank you ...” I said instead, adding a stupid and completely unnecessary giggle, as the turmoil in my heart and mind was newly torn open. I don't know how many ways had I tried to make him implicitly understand that I had feelings for him, by that time, I had known him for a good three years, last year of which I am completely positive, I have purposely spent trying to make him notice that “ … same goes for you you know, if you talked a bit more with people … smiled a bit more … like you do with me … you'd have no problems at all I tell you” I then eagerly added, and whatever I said was how I truly felt. I never had needed to make him look better than he was to perhaps gain his liking, like we usually are apt to when we like someone. I really loved Yuu, in such a genuine way that I had almost decided him to be the one; stupid uh? Thus I wanted to keep it real, keep it true as much as possible. Funny however, how the truth always found its way to completely fuck me over.
“Yeah well it is easy because it is you ...” he resignedly sighed, while staring at the mirror, then thorough it he glanced at me, as I mentally contemplated the objective beauty of said words, automatically ignoring the atrocious significance of their true meaning when applied to me “ you know … there is this guy I have liked for such a long time, since high school …” he then calmly informed, confirming the utterly friendlily connotation with which he had professed the previews sentence.
“Oh really? ...” I happily questioned, trying my best to keep my voice from breaking ... my hand from shaking “... I never would have thought that … you usually never talk about this things ...” this things ... as if we were in elementary school. There really was no need to have said it that way, though it indeed can have its humorist connotation, the truth is that a part of me clearly didn't even want to utter the word relationship if it didn't directly involve me and him. As if ignoring it would change anything at all.
“Yeah well … I met him again by chance recently, and we kinda have been seeing each other but nothing big you know … usual talk, a dinner … nothing too serious but ...” he laughed off, looking way too mellow for my heart's liking.
“B-but...?” I stuttered. Please make sure to notice that I stuttered. I audibly and plainly stuttered; and why is that an important you may ask. Well, many awful an emotion causes people to stutter, nothing good ever cause anyone to stutter, I have personally analyzed that, as tried to better myself as an actor. Mine, was a stutter caused by pain, which compared to other types of stuttering it is easily identifiable, thanks to the facial features that usually go with it. That stutter had been such a big give away, but of course, he didn't notice; he was studying to become a seiyuu* anyways. However, something else was going on there, which is what I called 'emotion intensification'. To the person whom is feeling the pain, or whatever emotion, said emotion always feels so powerful, so uncontainable that you deceive yourself into believing that the person to whom that emotion is directed would also perceive it. Well they don't, they never do, never will. In most of the cases, unless you say it out loud and clear, what you feel, is and always will be inside you.
“I am not sure but … I think he likes me too ...” he admitted with such an innocent and serene smile, I had to look a way for a second; to stop a tear from falling.
“... That is great!” I then excitedly stated, randomly finding the strength to encouragingly hit him with my clenched fist on his shoulder. If I could hurt you the same way you are hurting me right now … I kept thinking.
“Well I don't know ...” he then nonchalantly stated, with his typical not a big deal expression “... it may not work out ...” he nonchalantly stated, as he began to remove his own make up, and that is where I usually mistake; I over-analyzed. As he said that, I looked at his facial expression, I considered his voice tone, and concluded that if he had said it so nonchalantly, then he really didn't want to be with that person at much, if so, then I still had a chance. And I should have kept it at that, I should have sealed the deal for the day, and go home with this self constructed assurance. But no; I needed to be sure that this was also his self constructed assurance.
“So if it doesn't work … are you going to start seriously looking? ...” I inquired in the best curious tone I could muster, quite fake of course, all an act, in the same way my mind had selfishly constructed the fact that I still had a chance, which is what desperation does, which is why I hate deception. In my head deception equals to desperation, hopelessness … weakness … everything that can be considered as degrading can be associated to deception. So much for 'keeping it true', especially when this would have actually been a moment in which I should stated the truth, I should have said want to try and date me?
“Nah ...” he plainly and quite genuinely stated, meaning that he truly didn't have anyone else in mind but the person he had stated; meaning that I wasn't good enough for him “... I will just join you, if you are still single by then, and we'll just go have fun … single life isn't that bad anyway, I mean ... you are always happy after all” he then playfully laughed, unaware of the fact that he had just shattered my heart, like a glass that had been cautiously glued back together, skilfully joggled it, and accidentally dropped it; from the peak of mount Everest.
That day I went home, smiling and crying. As I got in I walked straight into my bathroom, turned on the light, stood in front of the mirror, and absently stared at myself. Why not me? What was wrong with being me? Why not me … why not me … why not me.
The fact that me, my hair, my mouth, my persona, my everything was just not going to work, for the umpteenth time, more than the fact that other person was maybe uglier than me, more than the fact that the other person was maybe even a worse person than me all together, more than trying to blame others, slowly destroying myself was more logical; it felt far better. So started losing it all, slowly but inevitably my confidence, my power, my strength … and it just seemed to make sense after a while, that if I liked someone so amazing, so perfect in my eyes, and if I wasn't being loved back, not even given a chance to; then there was something wrong with me. So as I kept taking myself apart, as I began to wish I didn't have that face reflected in front of me, I made sure to keep my feeling for him intact.
I forced myself to keep loving him and I loved him, I loved him so much. Even after things went well with the person he liked, I still couldn't let go, I couldn't, wouldn't, move on, in fact, it seemed like the intensity of my unrequited love grew out of proportion, and this will sound very strange but; I didn't want the pain to go away. The situation had degenerated to a point in which even though he wouldn't love me, his presence was sufficient to me, and my pain, the excruciating hurt generated by my unrequited love for him … I felt like it still kept me tied to him in someway. This time I had absolutely no strength to recovery from the nth disappointment; I was so tired of it all. So I concluded that if he couldn't love me because he didn't like me, then he could feel sorry for me, he could pity me and my pain. I just needed that feeling, that feeling of love that kept me connected to him, either it be happy or sad. Like a junkie, I needed my fill of emotions, something that gave me a reason to want to go on with myself.
I truly felt like I had reached the end of the road. I was truly tired of trying, I felt like if I tried to move on from Miyagi Yuu, then this time, there would have been nobody else. I felt like I wouldn't have been able to love anymore, so no matter what I needed to hold on tight to my wretched pain, my self proclaimed love. I had clearly reached the utmost level of deception, and that was when I start seeing it for the first time. Around my neck, a red thread, it's other end coming from somewhere I couldn't tell. I kept touching my neck, and I obviously couldn't feel anything, but it was there in the mirror. Every time I looked at myself in a mirror, it was there, along side with an annoying voice in my head saying; … cut it.
“Wow ...” cautiously stated Miyavi, my brother's childhood's friend, as I downed the eight shot in the arc of thirty minutes, and angrily requested my brother to give me more “... Jin-chan … take it eas-” he tried to suggest, but I didn't want to be talk to, thus I promptly cut him off, by looking straight into my brother's eyes behind the counter, as I hit my cup on it, requesting more.
“That's enough Jin ...” resolutely stated my brother, while he looked away to serve another client sitting next to me.
“You can't tell ...” I paused, deciding whether I needed to choose my words or just run to throw up “... me … what … to do ...” I strongly stated, glaring at my brother “I am a customer … you need to custom me!” I then shouted.
“Miyavi please take that cup away from him ...” calmly stated my brother talking to his childhood friend, as he kept doing his job. Kouyou, my brother, tends to be extremely professional when it he has to perform any task, so I am sure that people would have thought that his being cold in my regards, when I was acting and looking like a total mess, was because I was beginning to embarrass him, thus, he wanted me out of the way; if they only knew how wrong that thought was.
“Everwhat! I'm leaving … to forever!” I loudly mumbled as I stumbled my way to the restrooms. Kouyou … in my life I think I have never met a more caring person than my brother. He willingly sacrificed so much for me, and had his own share of relationship issues, his are by far worse than mine for sure, yet I persist in being such an irrational bitch. As I had predicted, he was trying not to cause a commotion, to protect my actor's reputation, as I staggered myself away, he was telling people what good of an actor I was to be able to impersonate a drunken person, and that he and Miyavi were just playing along.
It wasn't like I cared at that time anyways. Reputation, my brother, Yuu, me could all go to hell, along side with every mirror in the world, and the fucking red thread. That red thread that in all my drunkenness was still so clear in all the mirrors in that restroom, and as I tried to get it away from me, me began to laugh at me. The me in the mirror was laughing at me and took an identity of it own.
“Don't you feel it? ...” it said smugly looking at me “... its getting tighter isn't it? And you perfectly know where the other end is stop playing dumb ...” smirked the other me in the mirrors, as I held my head, closing my eyes trying to block everything out “... this is your fucking thread of destiny and it is tied to this man you love oh so much … and he doesn't even fucking know ...” continued the me in the mirror
“Stop ...” I impulsively begged, didn’t want to heart it, didn't need to hear it.
“And he is pulling it … while he stays happily every after with someone else, he keeps pulling, and pulling, and pulling … and it gets tighter and tighter, and tighter … until one day you'll suffocate and die” coldly stated the me in the mirror
“No! ...” I hopelessly shouted. Never, in my life, had I felt so powerless … so scared … and freaked out in my life.
“Then cut it Jin!” ordered the five me in each mirror in the restroom “... cut it Jin! Cut the fucking thread!” they angrily requested, so I brought it out, a little knife blade, I had been carrying around for days … just kept it with me “... cut it Jin, just cut it, end this fucking shit … what do you need love for … if it makes you so miserable, so lonely, so worthless … you don't need no destined lover, no lover at all …” they kept repeating, as I absently nodded, while pointing the blade at my neck “... just cut it, and get it over with ...” repeated the voice, this time soothingly encouraging me … ever wondered? … every addiction has a cure, you cure yourself because the addiction is slowly killing you and you want to live, so why would the mind of a desperate lover think of death as a logical cure for love-addiction? Why is there this ongoing deception that you'll feel better after you died?
When you die; you die. No feelings, no thoughts, no you. End of story.
“Ji-” suddenly called my brother, stopping in the middle of his uttering, as I slovenly turned towards him, trembling, my blade still pointed at my throat, Kouyou's expression indescribable “... Jin … “ was all that he could say, and if I had had even the capability of thinking straight, I should have known why such a scene would but kill my brother just to watch, besides me being his little brother, what I was doing was more than a slap to his face.
“Its suffocating me ...” I stated, trembling, while looking at my brother, whom must have gather all the straight in his being, to just close the door, and carefully keep his eyes trained on me.
“What is Jin? What are you talking about ...” he cautiously asked.
“I know you can't see it!” I yelled “... but it is there … and if I don't get rid of it, it will kill me … he'll kill me ...” I explained.
“Ok ...” stated my brother, nodding in agreement “... you are right … it has to go, I don't want you to die … so it has to go, it must go ...” he kept nodding, not weaving his gaze from me “... so let me do it for you ...” he then proposed “... I'll be quick, and won't miss … you might not see it too well so … give me the blade ...” he stated carefully extending his hand “... I'll do it for you ...” he newly reinforced.
I was confused. Wasn't sure that I should have let someone else do the job, but I didn’t have much control over myself, and I just wanted the job done; I just wanted to be over. So I slowly handed the blade to my brother, whom took it, and quickly throw it behind himself. My eyes quickly widened … betrayal … that was the first thing I thought, as I tried to reach for the blade, but my brother had already been hugging me, as tight as he could.
“Get it out! Get it out!” I began to shout, as I tried to free myself, to used my hand perhaps … strangle myself.
“No Jin … calm down!” shouted back my brother, but I wouldn't listen.
“No! You need to get it out, get it out!” I kept screaming, unconscious of my own doing “... it hurts Kouyou! It hurts … it hurts! So much ...” I unconsciously kept screaming, unknowingly admitting with myself for once how I truly felt about the whole thing “... I am so tired, of loving and not be loved … it hurts … I am tired … I am tired ...” I exhaustively began to state, as tears suddenly burst out, my body slacked itself into my brother's embrace, and I just kept crying and crying.
“I am sorry ...” kept repeating my brother, as he kept holding me tightly, and rocking me back and forth in his arms “... I am so sorry Jin, that you are suffering this much, I am so sorry I didn't notice … I am so sorry, so sorry Jin, so sorry” Kouyou kept repeating all the pain and relief in the world presently collected in the soft tone of his voice, as I could sense a slight shaking in his on body.
“I want to be loved …” I selfishly stated, completely careless of my brother’s feelings, whom as usual put himself aside, and that night, readily saved me “... why am I never good enough for anyone? ...”.
“Why do I have to hear stuff like this from a twenty-five year old person? …” gently began my brother “... from a handsome, brilliant, and simply exquisite person … I mean seriously …” as he slowly kept rocking me “... and how many time have you perhaps heard this, but what can I say … it is the truth … you are what you are, and you just so happen to be quite the amazing being, and ...” he then paused, and moved his hand to stroke my head “... who knows what the future holds for you … I honestly don't know if there is someone out there who can handle you, and I know this will not make you feel better … but don't you want to find out? If there actually is someone capable of handling you? ...” he inquired, lifting my head to look at me, and smiling, as I nodded “... well you have to be alive … until the last day in which you are meant to breath wait for it, either it be tomorrow, or the day before you die don't lose hope …” he stated “... you might get lonely, and frustrated in the process … but you just can't never know until the end” he concluded, cleaning my tears, as I nodded at him, and as I glanced in the mirror, the red thread, was there no more.
So for the first time in my life, I collected myself, for my own sake. For my own sake I fell out of love with Miyagi Yuu. I began to pick myself up, piece by piece, in order to please me, not to get myself ready for whomever to like me, for myself and only, and with determination, sheer determination, and pure love for life and myself, I somehow manged to achieve myself. Still have my small eyes, my small ears, my small nose, my small mouth with my perfectly white and straight denture, placed on my face, which if you don't like, you don't have to look at, if you do thank you very much. I am still five feet four, still not fat, still not too slim, still light toned skin, have more colors in my hair, and I like it just like that. I still enjoy company. I still tell funny jokes, still have interesting point, still make intelligent remarks, still speak my mind, but I'm always open to listening to other people's opinions, but most of all, at year from my complete, break down; I am still single.
Haven't been searching, haven't been exasperating. Have been lonely every now and again, I will admit, somewhat sad as well, if not even depressed, but not discouraged, because I am a love-addict, and I need not to be cured, I learned that believing in love, can be equal to loving, and if that special one person where to not come, I will simply smile, and with my last breath say I love you, whoever you was meant to be, wherever you might be, I loved you, and I am glad I did.
♥♥♥ --- End - The Tangled Thread--- ♥♥♥
*Seiyuu are Japanese voice actors (like for anime, games and stuff ...)
AN: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
Sadness, sadness sadness … and bitterness … I mean, how many of us have been through an unrequited love, and how many of us are scared or convinced that there is absolutely nobody there for themselves? It is hard to move away from that mentality, but if it is just love you are looking for, sometimes you can learn to love certain people, that works for some. But if you are one of those, whom like me, just want that pure fairy tail kind of love, well I honestly can't tell if he/she will ever come, but please don't lose hope, you'll never know until it (life) ends. You never know … and if he/she were never to arrive, it may be kind weird, but I used to think that still do at times, that the person that had been meant for me had died prematurely … stupid uh? Pathetic but I don't care But I began to imagine how that person might have looked, and I tell you, he was a hottie; and he will be the person I will say I love you to on my dead bed darn it! in the eventuality I find nobody. Hope I didn’t depress you too much m(_ _ )m.
Next … is the Mistaken Thread → Atemonai - Mistaken Love (Fufufufu cute <(^0^ )> … )
Much Love -LnK♥(~_^ )/-