Second Chance, Chapter 1
Because everyone deserves a second chance to make things right. Auron/Tidus, pre-game, spoilers.
[Final Fantasy X] M+, romance/angst, 4277 words, published 03-05-05
Second Chance
butterflie
[chapter one ~ lust?]
He sat there anxiously, watching the older man as he lay sleeping in bed. Auron had been out of it for four hours now, and he was getting more worried with each minute that passed. He didn't know what he'd do if something were to happen to Auron.
Heck, he hadn't even thought something could happen to his self-appointed guardian. Auron was always so... well, he wasn't quite sure what it was he thought Auron was, but it was something. Not immortal, certainly, and not invincible, but pretty damn close. Auron was simply meant to be around until Tidus died of old age, that's all. That something could happen to him was unthinkable.
But, here he was, sitting here watching over Auron and hoping desperately the man wouldn't die on him. That fiend had attacked him and bitten him pretty bad. Tidus supposed he was lucky the fiend hadn't bitten all of them, or he was pretty sure they wouldn't have been around right now. They would have been in whatever kind of afterlife there was.
He was also lucky they'd been able to get Auron back to the houseboat. The man was tall, and damned heavy besides. Nor was he much help, drifting in and out of consciousness as he had been. It had taken all four of them to get him here and into the bed. His friends had left once they did, looking shaken and thankful to be alive. Tidus had then brought a chair from the table downstairs and set it next to Auron's bed, where he promptly sat in it and watched Auron, bringing him to the point he was at now.
Four hours and ten minutes. How long would Auron stay unconscious? How long was it safe for him to be unconscious, anyways? Tidus didn't really know much about medical things. Auron hadn't suffered any head injuries, so he was assuming it was okay... he just wasn't really sure. But he had lost a fair amount of blood. Seeing all the blood on Auron and on the ground, instead of in his body where it belonged, had almost made Tidus faint. And he wasn't the type to do that.
It had scared him, for sure. He'd thought Auron was dead right then, but Auron had somehow managed to lift his head up and give Tidus this grim sort of smile, as if he'd been able to tell what Tidus was thinking. So he'd been relieved, but only slightly. Auron could still die. He had no way of knowing how serious the injury was.
"Don't you dare die on me," Tidus whispered to him. Auron shifted slightly on the bed, giving Tidus an anxious pause for a moment. But Auron didn't wake, and he was still once more. Tidus couldn't even tell if he was breathing, since his chest didn't seem to be rising up and down. Tidus blinked, eyes widening as possible implications of what that could mean hit him... then Auron moved again.
Tidus sighed, relieved beyond words.
* * *
Auron groaned, and opened his eye, wincing as a stinging pain suddenly made itself known in his left shoulder.
"Auron!" Tidus cried, barely resisting the urge to stand and fling his arms around his guardian in desperate relief. It had been eight hours, he was seriously starting to think Auron wasn't ever going to wake... but no, Auron's amber gaze was upon him, and he was awake and alive, if not well.
Auron only continued to gaze at the fourteen year old next to him. He actually looked a little confused, an expression that was usually found on his face when faced with some new machina to decipher. The look on his face was fairly similar to that, though it was more of a "where the hell am I?" confusion than a "what the hell is this?" one.
"Eh..." Tidus grinned sheepishly, not quite sure what to say. The look Auron was giving him now threw him off. Auron looked almost... mad? "Glad you're okay," Tidus told him, at a loss for words. He didn't know why Auron would be mad at him, if indeed he was.
"Stupid boy," Auron growled at him suddenly, and the hesitant smile dropped instantly off Tidus' face. Ok, so Auron was mad at him. But he didn't have a clue why. Auron hadn't even been conscious for the last eight hours, how could he be mad?
"Um..."
"Don't you ever do something that foolish again. I thought you were going to die."
"Oh." Tidus was relieved. The grin returned. "Yeah, well, it's mutual." He left it up to Auron to decide just what he meant-mutual that they thought Tidus was going to die, or that Tidus thought Auron was going to die. It had been both, really. The way those fiends had come upon him and his friends, seemingly out of nowhere-he'd just known that he was going to die.
He hadn't expected Auron to show up.
But it was a good thing he had, because if he hadn't, then they all really would have died. He was just thankful Auron hadn't died as well.
"...Auron?' he spoke up, his thoughts suddenly reminding him of a question he'd wondered about earlier.
"Hm?" Auron responded easily enough, though it was a bit absently. His thoughts had been elsewhere, and Tidus wished he knew what the man had been thinking. Auron so often kept to himself, he felt he barely knew his guardian at times. Certainly he didn't know him well enough as he wished he did.
"How'd you know that fiends has gotten into Zanarkand anyway?"
"I didn't," came the short reply.
Tidus blinked, and paused to digest this. "...Oh. So, then-"
"I was following you." That one eye gazed levelly at him, his carefully neutral face giving nothing away.
"Why?" Tidus asked curiously, only half-surprised. Auron had always followed him when he was younger, he knew, but he'd thought the man had quit that a few years back. But there'd been a couple of times when he'd thought Auron was around, so it wasn't too surprising to find Auron still followed him.
"I'm your guardian. And... because I promised Jecht."
Tidus didn't know what to say to that one. He turned his face away, suddenly not wanting to look Auron in the eye anymore. Anytime Auron brought Jecht up, it always made him feel uncomfortable. He was never sure quite what he thought about it. It was obvious Jecht had been important to Auron in some way, and that bothered him for more reasons than he cared to think about, usually.
"Oh!" Tidus cried, suddenly pretending to remember. "I just remembered I left the heat on downstairs. Guess I better go turn it off before I burn the place down, huh?" And without waiting for a reply, he ran off.
Auron watched him go, smiling slightly to himself. He knew the boy was just making an excuse to leave for a few moments-he almost always did when talk turned to Jecht.
His smile quickly faded though, as his thoughts turned to other matters. For one thing, how long had Tidus been sitting by his bed? The whole time he'd been out, however long that was? He sensed that it'd been several hours, and it was somewhat surprising to think Tidus would stay by his side that long. If he had. It suddenly seemed important to know. And yet, he didn't want to know. Because he was afraid of the answer. Afraid of what it meant.
He hadn't wanted to get emotionally attached to Tidus. He was unsent, and knowing that Tidus was merely a dream of the fayth residing back in Spira... Nor did he care anything about getting hurt again. He'd allowed himself to care for Braska and Jecht, and the price he paid for it had just cost too damn much. He didn't want anything like that again. It was why he was always careful to be so quiet and somewhat distant around Tidus, doing only what was necessary to keep his promise to Jecht.
It was easy to tell himself all that, at least. As for just when he'd stopped listening to himself... he wasn't quite sure. Maybe when Tidus had started caring about him. Jecht had often accused him of not caring or feeling, but Auron knew it was more a matter of how well he was able to hide his emotions. Besides, it was hard not to care for an eight-year-old boy who looked up to you for guidance and reassurance. He knew that he was all Tidus had, there was no one else. He supposed it shouldn't have surprised that Tidus would start to care. Hell, he was more of a father than Jecht had been to his son, and that was saying a lot.
Of course, none of this did anything to answer the question he wanted to know. Had Tidus stayed by him the whole time; and if so, why?
* * *
Tidus didn't have to admit to himself that he was running away. It was obvious, and he knew Auron had easily recognized it for what it was. Kind of hard not to, since he'd always found some excuse to leave the room when Auron brought up his old man. He was always so afraid that Auron would actually talk about Jecht, and tell him things he didn't want to know. Things that might make it harder to hate him.
But he also knew that it was only part of this time. That he was running from other reasons. Reasons he didn't exactly want to examine too closely.
"Agh," he muttered under his breath. It was all so confusing. He didn't know what Auron meant to him anymore. Wasn't sure he wanted to know. Ok, so... he cared for Auron, sure. Auron had raised him for the past seven years. Auron had been there for him. Auron had protected him. Auron had... had been fulfilling his promise to Jecht. But it went beyond that. It must have. Or maybe he just didn't want to think about what it meant if a promise was all that it meant to Auron.
He sighed then, and let out a low, frustrated growl. "I am not thinking about this now." It could wait for some other time. Later. Like never, perhaps. In the meantime, he had to get back upstairs to Auron. He gave the wall a glare for good measure, then turned and rushed back up the stairs to see if Auron needed anything, smiling cheerfully as he did.
"Hey Auron, I'm back-oh...!"
It happened so fast he wasn't even sure what had happened. One minute he was hurrying towards the bed, the next he was falling through the air and landing on Auron. Or, to be more precise, his lips were landing on Auron's lips. It was nothing more than a gentle brush of flesh against flesh, but it was too much. Far too much.
Tidus jerked back as if he'd been shocked, his eyes wide. He found himself unable to tear his gaze away from Auron's face, which looked decidedly shocked itself. Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit was all his mind could seem to produce. "Uh..." he squeaked out shakily. He stopped and took a deep breath, tried again. "So-sorry... I didn't mean-I fell." He shut up then, not knowing what else to say, not believing what had just happened.
After a long, long moment Auron nodded. "It's fine. Don't worry about it."
"Sure." Tidus tried to grin, only half managing. He suddenly wanted out, away from the room and away from Auron, who just continued to watch him calmly. "Hungry? I could go fix something to eat..."
Another pause, and then Auron nodded again. Tidus grinned completely this time, relieved to have an excuse to leave. "I'll be back in a bit."
His first instinct was to turn and bolt out the door, but he restrained himself, walking casually instead. He wasn't about to do anything stupid with Auron watching. Once downstairs though, he allowed himself to sink to his knees, back against the wall of the galley. "Oh geeze," he said out loud, appalled to notice his voice shaking.
How the hell had that happened? There wasn't anything in the room for him to trip on. Unless of course he tripped over his own feet. Which he did sometimes. Not that he was a klutz or anything, but sometimes he got too damn impatient for his own good. It had apparently been one of those times.
And now he couldn't get the incident out of his head. It had just been the briefest of touches, a mere accident... but in that split second when their lips had met, he'd felt something like a shock of electricity hit him. And he hadn't wanted to pull away, the jerking back of his body had been purely reflex.
It hadn't been a kiss... but he wanted it to be. That realization hit him with a sudden pang, and he didn't know what to make of it. Just from one stupid moment, nothing made sense anymore. He wondered if Auron was as confused as he was, but he thought probably not. Auron was older, stupid stuff like that had probably happened to him before. And it didn't seem to mean much to Auron anyways, seeing as he'd told Tidus to forget about it.
Still... he was scared. All of a sudden he was feeling these things he'd previously shoved to the back of his mind. Combine that with having to worry about Auron's reaction to it, and how this might affect their future relationship, and he was one overwhelmed teenager.
He wished he could just hide downstairs for the rest of his life and not ever have to look at Auron again. But of course that wasn't possible. Auron would get out of bed and come down sooner or later, and it wasn't as if Tidus could go live somewhere else. Even so, he considered it for one fleeting second...
Tidus sighed. He wished there was someone to tell him what he was supposed to do now, because he didn't have a clue. The only thing he could think of was to act normal around Auron. Whatever normal was.
* * *
Auron remained very still after Tidus left, his mind very deliberately trying not to think about what just happened. Absently, he lifted his hand to his mouth, fingers brushing across his lips. He could still feel Tidus against them, brief as it had been.
He knew it didn't mean anything. It had been a mere accident, nothing more. Tidus had pulled away instantly, and he'd looked at Auron with such a terrified expression on his face, like he thought Auron might try to kill him for what had happened. Still, for an instant there, he thought he'd seen something else in the boy's eyes. Something a bit like... want.
He could have been imagining it. But none of it mattered. He'd told Tidus not to worry about it, his words implying it meant nothing. He doubted the words had reassured the blond much, Tidus had scurried out of the room so fast it was almost laughable.
He quite distinctly heard Tidus' "Oh geeze," then, the sound carrying upstairs. He sounded shaken. Nope, definitely not reassured.
Well, he supposed he'd only been fooling himself. The incident meant everything. Too much, really. How was he supposed to act distant towards Tidus now? It had been damned hard before, pretending he didn't care so much. And it was just a charade Tidus had seen easily through. But he'd kept it up, for both their sakes. And it had helped, some. He wasn't quite as... attracted to Tidus as he could have been.
Attracted. Funny, how that word just came out. It was the first time he'd admitted it to himself, even if it was only in his thoughts. He was attracted to Tidus. And the incident of a few moments ago had just made things worse.
He could hardly call it a kiss. Hell, Tidus hadn't even done it on purpose. But still, it had been there... he'd felt it. That tingling shock of something like electricity racing throughout his body at that oh-so-brief contact. He couldn't recall the last time he'd felt something like that. And it had awakened in him a desire he'd long ago thought was buried. He wanted to feel those lips against his again. Hell, he wanted more than just that.
But of course he couldn't. He didn't want the relationship between him and Tidus to change for the worse. He didn't want to frighten the boy either. He'd just have to act as he always did around Tidus, hard as that may suddenly be.
He didn't know how he was going to pull it off.
* * *
Acting normal was harder than he thought. Every time he turned around, Tidus was there. And he always seemed to be staring at Auron with a thoughtful look on his face. It unnerved him, because he couldn't tell what the blond was thinking. But he wanted to know. He wanted to know really, really badly.
Of course, he'd done his fair share of thoughtful staring at Tidus too. He could hardly help it. Being around Tidus was nothing more than a painful reminder of the kiss that wasn't a kiss. He found it suddenly hard to speak to the boy, because every time he opened his mouth he was reminded of the feel of lips softly brushing against his. A jolt, and then the absence of everything settling heavily around him.
It wasn't just when he was awake either. He'd waken every night the past week to find his fingers pressing against his lips, his mind full of the image of how Tidus had looked just before falling against him, and then his eyes widening as he jerked away, that shocked and terrified look on his face. It made it really hard to get a decent night's sleep.
The passage of time had done nothing to lessen the memory of the incident either. It was just as fresh in his mind as it had been the night it happened. It made everything between them change. The air was full of sexually charged tension, the weight of it pressing heavily down on them, causing them to snap at each other more often than they normally would have. When he wasn't thinking about that incident, he was busy trying not to think about how badly he wanted the blond. About how much he couldn't have Tidus. And it put him on edge, this desperate unbalance of emotions and feelings he'd thought were gone forever.
He couldn't tell if Tidus sensed it or not. Sure, Tidus obviously knew things were different now. But did Tidus recognize it for what it was, or did he think it simply the embarrassment of an accident already forgotten by his guardian? Hell, he didn't even know if Tidus was still thinking about it, or if he'd put it out of his mind, determined it meant nothing.
He'd wanted-had even tried, once-to talk about it with Tidus, prompted by something like 'fatherly' instinct. Or maybe it was just his subconscious trying to determine whether or not he had even the remotest of a chance with his young charge. But it hadn't worked. His throat had closed up, choking down words not even fully formed in his mind. Tidus had given him a strange look, then an odd sort of brief smile. Almost like he knew what Auron was trying to say and understood why he couldn't. That was almost as unnerving as not knowing what Tidus was thinking.
But he knew he'd have to say something soon, this incident was destroying their carefully built relationship of the past seven years and he'd be damned if he didn't do something to salvage it. The biggest problem with that, though, was that there never seemed to be a good time to talk to Tidus. Either he was busy with school or blitzball, or hanging out with his friends, or sleeping, or sometimes just plain avoiding Auron. It wasn't unusual for Auron to wake around midnight and hear the click of the front door latching as Tidus quietly came back in from wherever he'd been out all day and evening. The only time they really saw each other was in the morning before Tidus left, and Auron had to admit he was not exactly a morning person. Hardly an opportune time to talk about something so important.
However, tomorrow was Sunday. Tidus never failed to spend that day lazing around the houseboat and relaxing, worn out from the week and recharging his energy for the week to come. Even with things the way they were between them, Auron didn't doubt Tidus would spend the day at home, with him. He would talk about this tomorrow with Tidus if it killed him.
* * *
"Tidus?"
Tidus looked up absently from where he'd been lounging around the couch, doing little more than daydreaming about Auron. He scowled when he saw the guardian of his fantasies standing over him, annoyed to have been interrupted. Auron's tone sounded serious, though he couldn't read anything from that impassive face, expression hidden as usual by the dark glasses and absurd collar he wore so high over his face. "What is it, old man," he said, not bothering to make it a question. He just wanted Auron to go away so he could back to daydreaming and trying to convince himself he didn't really want Auron.
"We need to talk."
Oh great, Tidus thought, inwardly groaning to himself. Auron's idea of 'talk' was never pleasant. Often it was uncomfortable to the point of acute embarrassment, as Auron fumbled over words in his attempt to 'talk'. Their past 'talks'-about Jecht, about his mother, about his less than stellar grades at school, about girls-had all been very awkward conversations that might have been better left alone. The tone of Auron's voice promised this wasn't going to be fun, either. But still. He'd act normal. "About what?"
"About-well..." Auron came over and sat down next to Tidus as the teen scooted over to make room, knowing Auron would find it easier to say whatever it was if he didn't have to look at Tidus as he said it. "About last week," he finally said, indeed finding it easier to speak now that he wasn't looking at Tidus.
Tidus felt a knot forming in his stomach, suddenly, at Auron's words. Auron didn't have to clarify 'last week'; Tidus knew all too well what he was referring to. He knows! his mind screamed at him. A nervous ball of panic joined the knot in his stomach and started zipping around, looking for an escape. He knows I like him... or something... His mind still wasn't too clear on that point, on just what exactly he did feel for Auron.
Okay, calm. Just play it cool. Maybe he doesn't actually know, only suspects. "What about it?" He shrugged, the epitome of casualness. "I'd pretty much forgotten about it." His voice shook very slightly as he said that, and he could only hope Auron didn't notice.
"Yes, well, um." Auron fumbled about, flustered and at a loss for words. This wasn't going the way he'd wanted at all.
Seeing Auron look so lost and confused-a look usually on his face only when dealing with Zanarkand's advanced technology-Tidus took pity on him. "Hey, it was just an accident. It meant nothing. I haven't been fretting over it, if that's what you're worried about." He didn't dare look at Auron, though he could feel the man's gaze upon him now, boring a hole into the side of his head. He didn't want the man to see that he was dangerously close to tears all of a sudden, and could only hope his lie was believable enough.
"Tidus-" Auron said gently, and he knew he hadn't fooled his guardian for a second. Should have known, since when had he ever been able to fool him? The only person he was fooling was himself if he thought so.
"Don't!" he said quickly, cutting off whatever else the man might have said. "Just don't," he repeated, less forcibly. He took a deep breath, then faced Auron with a cocky grin. Lust. That's what it was. Lust, and nothing more. It didn't matter. It wasn't worth admitting to Auron, to screw up their relationship more than it was currently. "Look, I'm... I'm going to go play some blitzball, okay? I'll be back later," he said, deliberately changing the subject. As far as he was concerned, the previous discussion never happened.
He threw another grin Auron's way as he got up, taking care to saunter casually out of the houseboat, like nothing important had just happened. He headed out to the docks, grabbing a blitzball that was rolling around in the light breeze coming in off the water. He tossed it in the air, and quickly shot up after it, body all speed and grace as he flipped through the air, aiming a perfect kick that sent the ball flying across the ocean. He came back down with a splash and wasted no time in chasing after the ball, not wanting it to get away. He'd lost plenty of balls practicing his sphere shot, and it was fast getting old.
He tried not to think of Auron.
next chapter
[Final Fantasy X] M+, romance/angst, 4277 words, published 03-05-05
Second Chance
butterflie
[chapter one ~ lust?]
He sat there anxiously, watching the older man as he lay sleeping in bed. Auron had been out of it for four hours now, and he was getting more worried with each minute that passed. He didn't know what he'd do if something were to happen to Auron.
Heck, he hadn't even thought something could happen to his self-appointed guardian. Auron was always so... well, he wasn't quite sure what it was he thought Auron was, but it was something. Not immortal, certainly, and not invincible, but pretty damn close. Auron was simply meant to be around until Tidus died of old age, that's all. That something could happen to him was unthinkable.
But, here he was, sitting here watching over Auron and hoping desperately the man wouldn't die on him. That fiend had attacked him and bitten him pretty bad. Tidus supposed he was lucky the fiend hadn't bitten all of them, or he was pretty sure they wouldn't have been around right now. They would have been in whatever kind of afterlife there was.
He was also lucky they'd been able to get Auron back to the houseboat. The man was tall, and damned heavy besides. Nor was he much help, drifting in and out of consciousness as he had been. It had taken all four of them to get him here and into the bed. His friends had left once they did, looking shaken and thankful to be alive. Tidus had then brought a chair from the table downstairs and set it next to Auron's bed, where he promptly sat in it and watched Auron, bringing him to the point he was at now.
Four hours and ten minutes. How long would Auron stay unconscious? How long was it safe for him to be unconscious, anyways? Tidus didn't really know much about medical things. Auron hadn't suffered any head injuries, so he was assuming it was okay... he just wasn't really sure. But he had lost a fair amount of blood. Seeing all the blood on Auron and on the ground, instead of in his body where it belonged, had almost made Tidus faint. And he wasn't the type to do that.
It had scared him, for sure. He'd thought Auron was dead right then, but Auron had somehow managed to lift his head up and give Tidus this grim sort of smile, as if he'd been able to tell what Tidus was thinking. So he'd been relieved, but only slightly. Auron could still die. He had no way of knowing how serious the injury was.
"Don't you dare die on me," Tidus whispered to him. Auron shifted slightly on the bed, giving Tidus an anxious pause for a moment. But Auron didn't wake, and he was still once more. Tidus couldn't even tell if he was breathing, since his chest didn't seem to be rising up and down. Tidus blinked, eyes widening as possible implications of what that could mean hit him... then Auron moved again.
Tidus sighed, relieved beyond words.
* * *
Auron groaned, and opened his eye, wincing as a stinging pain suddenly made itself known in his left shoulder.
"Auron!" Tidus cried, barely resisting the urge to stand and fling his arms around his guardian in desperate relief. It had been eight hours, he was seriously starting to think Auron wasn't ever going to wake... but no, Auron's amber gaze was upon him, and he was awake and alive, if not well.
Auron only continued to gaze at the fourteen year old next to him. He actually looked a little confused, an expression that was usually found on his face when faced with some new machina to decipher. The look on his face was fairly similar to that, though it was more of a "where the hell am I?" confusion than a "what the hell is this?" one.
"Eh..." Tidus grinned sheepishly, not quite sure what to say. The look Auron was giving him now threw him off. Auron looked almost... mad? "Glad you're okay," Tidus told him, at a loss for words. He didn't know why Auron would be mad at him, if indeed he was.
"Stupid boy," Auron growled at him suddenly, and the hesitant smile dropped instantly off Tidus' face. Ok, so Auron was mad at him. But he didn't have a clue why. Auron hadn't even been conscious for the last eight hours, how could he be mad?
"Um..."
"Don't you ever do something that foolish again. I thought you were going to die."
"Oh." Tidus was relieved. The grin returned. "Yeah, well, it's mutual." He left it up to Auron to decide just what he meant-mutual that they thought Tidus was going to die, or that Tidus thought Auron was going to die. It had been both, really. The way those fiends had come upon him and his friends, seemingly out of nowhere-he'd just known that he was going to die.
He hadn't expected Auron to show up.
But it was a good thing he had, because if he hadn't, then they all really would have died. He was just thankful Auron hadn't died as well.
"...Auron?' he spoke up, his thoughts suddenly reminding him of a question he'd wondered about earlier.
"Hm?" Auron responded easily enough, though it was a bit absently. His thoughts had been elsewhere, and Tidus wished he knew what the man had been thinking. Auron so often kept to himself, he felt he barely knew his guardian at times. Certainly he didn't know him well enough as he wished he did.
"How'd you know that fiends has gotten into Zanarkand anyway?"
"I didn't," came the short reply.
Tidus blinked, and paused to digest this. "...Oh. So, then-"
"I was following you." That one eye gazed levelly at him, his carefully neutral face giving nothing away.
"Why?" Tidus asked curiously, only half-surprised. Auron had always followed him when he was younger, he knew, but he'd thought the man had quit that a few years back. But there'd been a couple of times when he'd thought Auron was around, so it wasn't too surprising to find Auron still followed him.
"I'm your guardian. And... because I promised Jecht."
Tidus didn't know what to say to that one. He turned his face away, suddenly not wanting to look Auron in the eye anymore. Anytime Auron brought Jecht up, it always made him feel uncomfortable. He was never sure quite what he thought about it. It was obvious Jecht had been important to Auron in some way, and that bothered him for more reasons than he cared to think about, usually.
"Oh!" Tidus cried, suddenly pretending to remember. "I just remembered I left the heat on downstairs. Guess I better go turn it off before I burn the place down, huh?" And without waiting for a reply, he ran off.
Auron watched him go, smiling slightly to himself. He knew the boy was just making an excuse to leave for a few moments-he almost always did when talk turned to Jecht.
His smile quickly faded though, as his thoughts turned to other matters. For one thing, how long had Tidus been sitting by his bed? The whole time he'd been out, however long that was? He sensed that it'd been several hours, and it was somewhat surprising to think Tidus would stay by his side that long. If he had. It suddenly seemed important to know. And yet, he didn't want to know. Because he was afraid of the answer. Afraid of what it meant.
He hadn't wanted to get emotionally attached to Tidus. He was unsent, and knowing that Tidus was merely a dream of the fayth residing back in Spira... Nor did he care anything about getting hurt again. He'd allowed himself to care for Braska and Jecht, and the price he paid for it had just cost too damn much. He didn't want anything like that again. It was why he was always careful to be so quiet and somewhat distant around Tidus, doing only what was necessary to keep his promise to Jecht.
It was easy to tell himself all that, at least. As for just when he'd stopped listening to himself... he wasn't quite sure. Maybe when Tidus had started caring about him. Jecht had often accused him of not caring or feeling, but Auron knew it was more a matter of how well he was able to hide his emotions. Besides, it was hard not to care for an eight-year-old boy who looked up to you for guidance and reassurance. He knew that he was all Tidus had, there was no one else. He supposed it shouldn't have surprised that Tidus would start to care. Hell, he was more of a father than Jecht had been to his son, and that was saying a lot.
Of course, none of this did anything to answer the question he wanted to know. Had Tidus stayed by him the whole time; and if so, why?
* * *
Tidus didn't have to admit to himself that he was running away. It was obvious, and he knew Auron had easily recognized it for what it was. Kind of hard not to, since he'd always found some excuse to leave the room when Auron brought up his old man. He was always so afraid that Auron would actually talk about Jecht, and tell him things he didn't want to know. Things that might make it harder to hate him.
But he also knew that it was only part of this time. That he was running from other reasons. Reasons he didn't exactly want to examine too closely.
"Agh," he muttered under his breath. It was all so confusing. He didn't know what Auron meant to him anymore. Wasn't sure he wanted to know. Ok, so... he cared for Auron, sure. Auron had raised him for the past seven years. Auron had been there for him. Auron had protected him. Auron had... had been fulfilling his promise to Jecht. But it went beyond that. It must have. Or maybe he just didn't want to think about what it meant if a promise was all that it meant to Auron.
He sighed then, and let out a low, frustrated growl. "I am not thinking about this now." It could wait for some other time. Later. Like never, perhaps. In the meantime, he had to get back upstairs to Auron. He gave the wall a glare for good measure, then turned and rushed back up the stairs to see if Auron needed anything, smiling cheerfully as he did.
"Hey Auron, I'm back-oh...!"
It happened so fast he wasn't even sure what had happened. One minute he was hurrying towards the bed, the next he was falling through the air and landing on Auron. Or, to be more precise, his lips were landing on Auron's lips. It was nothing more than a gentle brush of flesh against flesh, but it was too much. Far too much.
Tidus jerked back as if he'd been shocked, his eyes wide. He found himself unable to tear his gaze away from Auron's face, which looked decidedly shocked itself. Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit was all his mind could seem to produce. "Uh..." he squeaked out shakily. He stopped and took a deep breath, tried again. "So-sorry... I didn't mean-I fell." He shut up then, not knowing what else to say, not believing what had just happened.
After a long, long moment Auron nodded. "It's fine. Don't worry about it."
"Sure." Tidus tried to grin, only half managing. He suddenly wanted out, away from the room and away from Auron, who just continued to watch him calmly. "Hungry? I could go fix something to eat..."
Another pause, and then Auron nodded again. Tidus grinned completely this time, relieved to have an excuse to leave. "I'll be back in a bit."
His first instinct was to turn and bolt out the door, but he restrained himself, walking casually instead. He wasn't about to do anything stupid with Auron watching. Once downstairs though, he allowed himself to sink to his knees, back against the wall of the galley. "Oh geeze," he said out loud, appalled to notice his voice shaking.
How the hell had that happened? There wasn't anything in the room for him to trip on. Unless of course he tripped over his own feet. Which he did sometimes. Not that he was a klutz or anything, but sometimes he got too damn impatient for his own good. It had apparently been one of those times.
And now he couldn't get the incident out of his head. It had just been the briefest of touches, a mere accident... but in that split second when their lips had met, he'd felt something like a shock of electricity hit him. And he hadn't wanted to pull away, the jerking back of his body had been purely reflex.
It hadn't been a kiss... but he wanted it to be. That realization hit him with a sudden pang, and he didn't know what to make of it. Just from one stupid moment, nothing made sense anymore. He wondered if Auron was as confused as he was, but he thought probably not. Auron was older, stupid stuff like that had probably happened to him before. And it didn't seem to mean much to Auron anyways, seeing as he'd told Tidus to forget about it.
Still... he was scared. All of a sudden he was feeling these things he'd previously shoved to the back of his mind. Combine that with having to worry about Auron's reaction to it, and how this might affect their future relationship, and he was one overwhelmed teenager.
He wished he could just hide downstairs for the rest of his life and not ever have to look at Auron again. But of course that wasn't possible. Auron would get out of bed and come down sooner or later, and it wasn't as if Tidus could go live somewhere else. Even so, he considered it for one fleeting second...
Tidus sighed. He wished there was someone to tell him what he was supposed to do now, because he didn't have a clue. The only thing he could think of was to act normal around Auron. Whatever normal was.
* * *
Auron remained very still after Tidus left, his mind very deliberately trying not to think about what just happened. Absently, he lifted his hand to his mouth, fingers brushing across his lips. He could still feel Tidus against them, brief as it had been.
He knew it didn't mean anything. It had been a mere accident, nothing more. Tidus had pulled away instantly, and he'd looked at Auron with such a terrified expression on his face, like he thought Auron might try to kill him for what had happened. Still, for an instant there, he thought he'd seen something else in the boy's eyes. Something a bit like... want.
He could have been imagining it. But none of it mattered. He'd told Tidus not to worry about it, his words implying it meant nothing. He doubted the words had reassured the blond much, Tidus had scurried out of the room so fast it was almost laughable.
He quite distinctly heard Tidus' "Oh geeze," then, the sound carrying upstairs. He sounded shaken. Nope, definitely not reassured.
Well, he supposed he'd only been fooling himself. The incident meant everything. Too much, really. How was he supposed to act distant towards Tidus now? It had been damned hard before, pretending he didn't care so much. And it was just a charade Tidus had seen easily through. But he'd kept it up, for both their sakes. And it had helped, some. He wasn't quite as... attracted to Tidus as he could have been.
Attracted. Funny, how that word just came out. It was the first time he'd admitted it to himself, even if it was only in his thoughts. He was attracted to Tidus. And the incident of a few moments ago had just made things worse.
He could hardly call it a kiss. Hell, Tidus hadn't even done it on purpose. But still, it had been there... he'd felt it. That tingling shock of something like electricity racing throughout his body at that oh-so-brief contact. He couldn't recall the last time he'd felt something like that. And it had awakened in him a desire he'd long ago thought was buried. He wanted to feel those lips against his again. Hell, he wanted more than just that.
But of course he couldn't. He didn't want the relationship between him and Tidus to change for the worse. He didn't want to frighten the boy either. He'd just have to act as he always did around Tidus, hard as that may suddenly be.
He didn't know how he was going to pull it off.
* * *
Acting normal was harder than he thought. Every time he turned around, Tidus was there. And he always seemed to be staring at Auron with a thoughtful look on his face. It unnerved him, because he couldn't tell what the blond was thinking. But he wanted to know. He wanted to know really, really badly.
Of course, he'd done his fair share of thoughtful staring at Tidus too. He could hardly help it. Being around Tidus was nothing more than a painful reminder of the kiss that wasn't a kiss. He found it suddenly hard to speak to the boy, because every time he opened his mouth he was reminded of the feel of lips softly brushing against his. A jolt, and then the absence of everything settling heavily around him.
It wasn't just when he was awake either. He'd waken every night the past week to find his fingers pressing against his lips, his mind full of the image of how Tidus had looked just before falling against him, and then his eyes widening as he jerked away, that shocked and terrified look on his face. It made it really hard to get a decent night's sleep.
The passage of time had done nothing to lessen the memory of the incident either. It was just as fresh in his mind as it had been the night it happened. It made everything between them change. The air was full of sexually charged tension, the weight of it pressing heavily down on them, causing them to snap at each other more often than they normally would have. When he wasn't thinking about that incident, he was busy trying not to think about how badly he wanted the blond. About how much he couldn't have Tidus. And it put him on edge, this desperate unbalance of emotions and feelings he'd thought were gone forever.
He couldn't tell if Tidus sensed it or not. Sure, Tidus obviously knew things were different now. But did Tidus recognize it for what it was, or did he think it simply the embarrassment of an accident already forgotten by his guardian? Hell, he didn't even know if Tidus was still thinking about it, or if he'd put it out of his mind, determined it meant nothing.
He'd wanted-had even tried, once-to talk about it with Tidus, prompted by something like 'fatherly' instinct. Or maybe it was just his subconscious trying to determine whether or not he had even the remotest of a chance with his young charge. But it hadn't worked. His throat had closed up, choking down words not even fully formed in his mind. Tidus had given him a strange look, then an odd sort of brief smile. Almost like he knew what Auron was trying to say and understood why he couldn't. That was almost as unnerving as not knowing what Tidus was thinking.
But he knew he'd have to say something soon, this incident was destroying their carefully built relationship of the past seven years and he'd be damned if he didn't do something to salvage it. The biggest problem with that, though, was that there never seemed to be a good time to talk to Tidus. Either he was busy with school or blitzball, or hanging out with his friends, or sleeping, or sometimes just plain avoiding Auron. It wasn't unusual for Auron to wake around midnight and hear the click of the front door latching as Tidus quietly came back in from wherever he'd been out all day and evening. The only time they really saw each other was in the morning before Tidus left, and Auron had to admit he was not exactly a morning person. Hardly an opportune time to talk about something so important.
However, tomorrow was Sunday. Tidus never failed to spend that day lazing around the houseboat and relaxing, worn out from the week and recharging his energy for the week to come. Even with things the way they were between them, Auron didn't doubt Tidus would spend the day at home, with him. He would talk about this tomorrow with Tidus if it killed him.
* * *
"Tidus?"
Tidus looked up absently from where he'd been lounging around the couch, doing little more than daydreaming about Auron. He scowled when he saw the guardian of his fantasies standing over him, annoyed to have been interrupted. Auron's tone sounded serious, though he couldn't read anything from that impassive face, expression hidden as usual by the dark glasses and absurd collar he wore so high over his face. "What is it, old man," he said, not bothering to make it a question. He just wanted Auron to go away so he could back to daydreaming and trying to convince himself he didn't really want Auron.
"We need to talk."
Oh great, Tidus thought, inwardly groaning to himself. Auron's idea of 'talk' was never pleasant. Often it was uncomfortable to the point of acute embarrassment, as Auron fumbled over words in his attempt to 'talk'. Their past 'talks'-about Jecht, about his mother, about his less than stellar grades at school, about girls-had all been very awkward conversations that might have been better left alone. The tone of Auron's voice promised this wasn't going to be fun, either. But still. He'd act normal. "About what?"
"About-well..." Auron came over and sat down next to Tidus as the teen scooted over to make room, knowing Auron would find it easier to say whatever it was if he didn't have to look at Tidus as he said it. "About last week," he finally said, indeed finding it easier to speak now that he wasn't looking at Tidus.
Tidus felt a knot forming in his stomach, suddenly, at Auron's words. Auron didn't have to clarify 'last week'; Tidus knew all too well what he was referring to. He knows! his mind screamed at him. A nervous ball of panic joined the knot in his stomach and started zipping around, looking for an escape. He knows I like him... or something... His mind still wasn't too clear on that point, on just what exactly he did feel for Auron.
Okay, calm. Just play it cool. Maybe he doesn't actually know, only suspects. "What about it?" He shrugged, the epitome of casualness. "I'd pretty much forgotten about it." His voice shook very slightly as he said that, and he could only hope Auron didn't notice.
"Yes, well, um." Auron fumbled about, flustered and at a loss for words. This wasn't going the way he'd wanted at all.
Seeing Auron look so lost and confused-a look usually on his face only when dealing with Zanarkand's advanced technology-Tidus took pity on him. "Hey, it was just an accident. It meant nothing. I haven't been fretting over it, if that's what you're worried about." He didn't dare look at Auron, though he could feel the man's gaze upon him now, boring a hole into the side of his head. He didn't want the man to see that he was dangerously close to tears all of a sudden, and could only hope his lie was believable enough.
"Tidus-" Auron said gently, and he knew he hadn't fooled his guardian for a second. Should have known, since when had he ever been able to fool him? The only person he was fooling was himself if he thought so.
"Don't!" he said quickly, cutting off whatever else the man might have said. "Just don't," he repeated, less forcibly. He took a deep breath, then faced Auron with a cocky grin. Lust. That's what it was. Lust, and nothing more. It didn't matter. It wasn't worth admitting to Auron, to screw up their relationship more than it was currently. "Look, I'm... I'm going to go play some blitzball, okay? I'll be back later," he said, deliberately changing the subject. As far as he was concerned, the previous discussion never happened.
He threw another grin Auron's way as he got up, taking care to saunter casually out of the houseboat, like nothing important had just happened. He headed out to the docks, grabbing a blitzball that was rolling around in the light breeze coming in off the water. He tossed it in the air, and quickly shot up after it, body all speed and grace as he flipped through the air, aiming a perfect kick that sent the ball flying across the ocean. He came back down with a splash and wasted no time in chasing after the ball, not wanting it to get away. He'd lost plenty of balls practicing his sphere shot, and it was fast getting old.
He tried not to think of Auron.
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