Waiting (rewrite), Book 1, Chapter 5 (1/3)
After living through hell for months, Yamato is finally free from Ken and ready to move on with his life. But are things ever really that simple? Sequel to Untold Secrets. References to rape/sexual abuse and suicide. Some violence/swearing.
[Digimon] M, drama/hurt/comfort, 8814 (51756) words, published 10-06-12
UPDATE This chapter is the final version
previous chapter
Waiting
by: butterflie
chapter five, discoveries
Book One
no matter how much I cry out...
no matter how much I ask...
no matter how much I evade...
no matter how much I embrace you...
no matter how much I wish...
no matter how much I hurt...
- Gackt, uncontrol.
I slammed the door to my apartment shut behind me, panting heavily. My lungs felt about fit to burst, but I didn't really care. I'd run the entire way home, trying to distract myself from thinking about what had just happened.
Dad looked up from the tv, which was currently airing the news. A reporter was droning something about "the fifth murder to take place in Tamachi since..." I didn't pay it any attention. I was too upset to care.
"Alright there, sport?" Dad asked me, looking a bit concerned.
I tried to shrug it off. I couldn't very well tell him what was wrong, since I wasn't out to either of my parents. "Bad day. I'm fine. Where are Mom and Hikari?"
"They're in the kitchen, cooking dinner. You might wanna let them know you're home, we didn't expect you back until tomorrow."
"Alright," I muttered. I didn't bother to offer an explanation for coming home a day early, even though I could tell Dad was curious.
I headed into the kitchen, where I found Mom at the stove, predictably cooking up yet another strange concoction she would try to pass off as dinner. Hikari was standing nearby, and I could hear her trying to convince Mom not to use so much ginger as I walked in. I shook my head. As usual, she wasn't listening. Hikari should have known better. I went past them both, mumbling out a quick hi, just wanting to go to my bedroom to lie down.
Mom looked up at my voice, and gave me a warm smile. "Welcome back, Taichi. You're home early. How did you enjoy your stay at Yamato's?"
"Fine." I continued on, going into the bedroom and closing the door. I sprawled out on the bottom bunk of the bed, staring up at the wooden bottom of the top bunk. I supposed I'd have to go back later and get my stuff from Yamato's house, assuming Mr. Ishida would even let me.
I wasn't even sure why I was so upset. Mr. Ishida had only asked me to leave. It wasn't like he'd lost his temper and started yelling, or accused us of being disgusting or something like that. Of course, he could have just been waiting for me to leave before he started in on that. Even though he didn't really strike me as the type of person to do so.
I left my musings alone and looked over upon hearing a knock. I sighed. "Come in," I called. Hikari came in, sitting down on the edge of the bed. I wasn't surprised; she usually always came after me when she knew something was bothering me.
"What's wrong?" she asked gently. "Like Mom said, you're home early. You and Yamato didn't have a fight, did you?"
I shook my head. "No." I sighed, and went ahead and told her what had happened, knowing she wouldn't leave it alone otherwise. "I'm just kind of worried about how Mr. Ishida might take it. He didn't really show any reaction while I was there. He might hate me now, or forbid me from dating Yamato. I don't think he even knew Yamato was gay yet." A thought struck me. "What if he tells Mom and Dad?"
"He probably wouldn't do that," she said, but she looked a little worried herself. "Maybe you should tell them soon yourself. Just in case," she added.
"I'm not ready to tell them!" I said, feeling panicked at just the thought. "I had a hard enough time telling you, I can't tell them yet! What if they hate me? What if they disown me?"
"They wouldn't do that. They love you. You're their son. I don't think your being gay will change that for them."
"It might," I said despairingly.
"It won't."
"You don't know that, Hikari. You don't even know what it's like, having to worry about this kind of thing..."
She was quiet for a moment. "I do," she whispered.
"Wait-what?"
"I know what it's like, Taichi."
"You're gay?" I asked, confusion evident in my voice.
She shook her head at me. "Bisexual. I... I actually have a crush on Miyako right now."
"Oh." Then, "How come you never told me? You can't say you were afraid of how I'd react, knowing how I felt about Yamato."
"No," she agreed. "It wasn't that. It was just... I was in denial, I guess. I knew it wasn't wrong, but I still didn't wanna be like that, someone who liked the same gender. It seemed like it'd cause so many problems. And I saw how you always worried over whether Yamato would be disgusted by you, and I didn't want to deal with the same thing. And then when I started to finally accept it, you started getting so busy taking care of Yamato that I didn't want to bother you with it.
"So I just kept it secret. No one knew. Well, no one except Tailmon," she said, amending her statement, "and Tailmon was in the Digital World and I knew she would never tell anyone anyways and it was just easier to keep quiet, to pretend I liked guys in general and Takeru in specific although he and I both know we'll never be more than friends and so that's what I did. I maintained silence. I planned on telling you someday, after you came out to Mom and Dad, you know, and after things with Yamato settled down. It was just that I didn't feel ready yet."
"I see." And I did. I could understand some of her feelings completely, because it was the same stuff I used to feel.
"You're not mad I didn't tell you before, are you?"
I looked over at her and smiled as best as I could manage, wanting to reassure her. "No, I'm not mad. I kept mine secret for awhile before I told you, too. I understand it."
"Thanks. And it will be okay, Taichi, about Yamato. I don't think Mr. Ishida will hate you or do anything bad."
"I really hope not." I sighed, and went back to staring at the top bunk. I knew she was just trying to make me feel better, but I was too worried and upset to be comforted right then. After letting her worriedly watch me for awhile, I finally spoke up again. "I'm sorry Hikari, but I'd like to be alone right now... I'm kind of tired, I think I'd just like to sleep."
"Sure," she said softly. She got up and started to leave. She paused at the doorway, doorknob in hand, and looked back at me. "Things will work out fine, Taichi," she said. "I know they will." Then she left and closed the door behind her, leaving me and my thoughts in silence.
I really wanted to believe her. Mr. Ishida had always been a great guy to me, ever since Yamato and I had started hanging out after that first summer in the Digital World. And as soon as I had found out what had happened to Yamato, I'd been over there as much as possible, supporting him through it all. I knew Mr. Ishida appreciated it, even if he'd never actually said so.
He'd also never come across as homophobic to me; after all, we'd sat there in his living room discussing guys dating and sleeping with other guys and he hadn't flipped out then. He'd seemed very slightly uncomfortable, but I'd figured that was just because he didn't want to think in detail about teenagers his son's age doing that sort of thing.
I really hoped he would be okay with us, and wouldn't forbid us to date or be friends anymore. I cared a lot for Yamato, and I really didn't want to lose him. I certainly wasn't going to just let him go without a fight either.
Hopefully it wouldn't come to that.
* * *
I blinked groggily, not quite awake. Apparently at some point during my fretting I had fallen asleep. I fumbled around in my pocket for my cell phone, yanking it out and squinting at the screen. It was a bit past midnight. I thought I'd heard the phone ring...
I listened, waiting to hear it ring again, or at least the sound of one of my parents talking, but all I heard was silence. It was pretty late for anyone to be calling anyways.
After a few moments of not hearing anything, I let out a mental shrug and closed my eyes again. It was probably an echoing remnant of a dream. Nothing to worry about. I went back to sleep.
chapter five pause. (22 september 2012 0839PM)
interlude