Waiting (rewrite), Book 1, Chapter 6 (1/2)

Apr 11, 2013 22:00


After living through hell for months, Yamato is finally free from Ken and ready to move on with his life. But are things ever really that simple? Sequel to Untold Secrets. References to rape/sexual abuse and suicide. Some violence/swearing.
[Digimon] M, drama/hurt/comfort, 11948 (63704) words, published 04-11-13
UPDATE This chapter is the final version
previous chapter
Waiting
by: butterflie
chapter six, forward, and back
Book One
I line up self-satisfied words
even though we're going too fast, that's okay,
since unforseen feelings
have started to overflow in my heart
like they're being rushed
since they're pushing up on me so much but
I'm always different
from who I wanted to be
this isn't who I've wanted to be,
but I'm sure this is me
- Sakamoto Maaya, kaze ga fuku hi.

After Dad and I managed to patch things up, most of the tension in the room dissipated. It was a relief to not have that hanging over me, and I was content to lay there and try to rest some more. I was definitely still feeling the beating I'd taken... not that I wanted to think about it any. I knew Dad was annoyed with me that I wouldn't tell him or the police what had happened, but I just couldn't. Just thinking about it for too long was enough to get me shaking. I was surprised to even still be alive, given how severely they'd...
At least Dad wasn't disallowing me to see Taichi anymore. I'd been just as scared over that as I had over what I'd just been through. I needed Taichi, I couldn't get through all of this without him, and the thought of trying to just made me want to hide away in my room and never face the world again.
And speaking of the devil, my musings were interrupted by a voice crying out as someone tripped into the room. I looked up, spotting none other than my boyfriend. "Taichi...?" I started, wondering just what the hell he was doing here. He shouldn't have even known I was in the hospital. Dad had called Natsuko earlier to let her know what had happened (and I really didn't understand why he bothered...), but I wasn't sure if he'd told her where I was, and I really doubted he had called Taichi, so I didn't see how Taichi could have found out, especially so fast.
Before I had a chance to ask him, Dad was up and out of his chair, pushing Taichi back into the hallway and shutting the door behind him. I stared after them, wondering just what Dad was doing. He'd said it was okay for me to see Taichi, so why was he taking him away? I wanted to get up and find out what was going on, but frustratingly, I could only lay there, knowing I wouldn't have enough strength to make it that far. Every part of me was battered and abused and achingly sore. So I stayed put, wondering and worrying, hoping Dad wasn't out there killing Taichi.
It wasn't a very long wait. Several minutes later they were walking back in, Dad taking his chair again while Taichi bounded up to me, stopping just at the side of the bed. "Hey," he said, giving me an easy grin, but his eyes belied his worry.
"Hey back," I said quietly, truly glad to see him. There'd been a brief bit last night where I had been sure I'd never get to see him again, and not because of Dad.
"So," he said, drawing the 'o' out slowly. "What are you doing here?"
I just shrugged, glancing quickly at Dad, trying to think of a polite way to ask him to leave. I had no plans to tell Taichi what had happened either, at least not yet and maybe not ever, but I did want a chance to talk to him without Dad there.
Thankfully, Dad apparently picked up on my discomfort, because he stood up asking if we'd be okay alone while he went and got some coffee. "I could use the caffeine," he said.
"Sure," we told him, and once he was gone I turned to Taichi. "What did he say to you in the hallway?" I demanded, not giving him a chance to speak. I truly did want to know, but I also wanted to stave off his questions.
Taichi looked at me for a moment, and I could see him debating on whether to call me on my deflection. "He just wanted to apologise to me, and to say he was okay with us being together, and to make sure I wouldn't ever hurt you. That's about it." He paused momentarily. "What happened, Yamato? Why are you in the hospital?"
I swallowed, averting my eyes. I really did not want Taichi pushing the issue. I knew I wouldn't be able to talk about it without breaking down, assuming I even got that far. "Later, Taichi, okay?" I said quietly. "I can't right now." I tensed, waiting for him to get upset, to try again, for us to maybe have an argument reminiscent of our early days in the Digital World, but to my surprise he nodded, acquiescing easily.
"Does your mom know you're in the hospital?" he asked.
I shrugged. "Probably."
"You don't know for sure?"
"No."
Taichi was quiet for a moment, and I hoped he'd exhausted his questions, but then he came back with, "Does she even know about Ken?"
I sighed, responding a bit flippantly. "Probably. It was on the news after all."
"You didn't tell her yourself?" Taichi asked, sounding incredulous. I didn't know why, he knew what my relationship with Natsuko was like.
"She tried calling once," I told him, knowing he wouldn't shut up until I'd explained to his satisfaction, "but I wouldn't talk to her. I know Dad told her most of it after the news report. I don't know what exactly, I didn't ask and he didn't offer. He keeps her updated every so often, I think, even though it's pointless. She only pretends to care." My voice had gotten pretty bitter and upset by that point, so Taichi finally wisely dropped that subject too.
We chatted for awhile longer after that, mostly about inconsequential things like school and homework. Safe subjects that wouldn't really upset me. Dad eventually came back from his coffee, and Taichi said he should probably get going, as his mom had no idea where he was and would start worrying soon. I waved him a goodbye, and it was only after he'd gone that it occurred to me to I'd never found out why he'd even been in the hospital in the first place.
* * *
The next day brought me another surprising visitor. I was alone, having convinced Dad to go home and shower and nap. Being alone made me nervous-Ken had gotten to me in the hospital before, after all-but Dad hadn't really slept since Friday night, and I knew he needed the time to rest, so I just sucked it up and dealt with it. I'd made sure to keep the call button right next to me, so if Ken did some show up for some reason, I'd jam that thing non-stop until someone came. Dad had been gone maybe about an hour when I heard a knock at my door. Knowing that Ken wouldn't knock, and figuring it was a doctor, I called out, "Come in!"
Instead, Ny walked in, looking awkward but determined.
"Ny?" I blurted out, beyond surprised. It wasn't hard to guess who told him I was here, but I certainly hadn't expected him to show up for a visit. Outside of classes and band practice, I hadn't seen Ny at all, and even then we still spent our time together doing our best to avoid each other and what had happened between us. Not to mention Ny avoided hospitals like the plague.
"Hi," he said quietly, giving me a little wave. "Taichi came back by, told me you were here."
"Came back by?" I asked him, confused.
"Yeah. I've been here since Thursday night, had an emergency appendectomy. I was actually down the hall that way a bit," he said, jerking his head in a direction to indicate. Taichi came to visit, and after he left he came back later to tell me you were here."
"Oh," I said inadequately. I was a bit floored, to be honest. It was a very strange coincidence to find out one of your closest friends has been just down the hall from you recovering from an emergency surgery. "Geeze Ny, I'm sorry," I continued, my brain starting to catch up a bit. "That sounds rough. I'm glad you're okay."
He just shrugged, seemingly unconcerned. "It hurt like hell at the time, but it's over now. I'm just glad to be out." He shuddered ever so slightly at that.
I winced. I knew being here had to be a nightmare for him. He'd told me once, of the little boy that died right as he wandered into a hospital room, drawn by the beeping of the machines while his dad dealt with some administrator business. Of how he'd stood huddled and shaking in a corner, going unnoticed and watching it all as doctors and nursed swarmed in, trying in vain to revive the child. He'd told me that hospitals always managed to scare him after that, and he spent as little time as possible in them when he had to come to one. It truly surprised me that he was sticking around long enough to come visit me.
"Well, I appreciate the visit," I started uncertainly.
"Look," he said suddenly, that air of determination coming around him again. "That day, at your apartment. I shouldn't have kissed you. I just got caught up in the moment, and I've regretted it ever since. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt you any, or jeopardise your relationship with Taichi. And I don't want this to mess up anything between us either. Can we please just be friends still?" The last sentence seemed to burst out of him, and I looked at him in shock. He was standing there anxiously, fidgeting his hands and feet and looking down at the ground.
"Ny, we've never stopped being friends..." That got him to look back up, giving me a hopeful look. Had he really thought I would quit being his friend just because of a kiss? "I didn't mean to give you that impression, and I'm sorry I apparently did," I said carefully. "It's just..." I fisted my hands in my blankets, swallowing nervously. It was my turn to look down now.
"Just what?" he asked after a moment, when I hadn't gone on.
"It scared me a bit," I admitted softly. "And I didn't know how to react around you. Knowing you like me is one thing, having you unexpectedly kiss me..." It had been a bit reminiscent of Ken, were I to be honest with myself. I'd tried to avoid consciously making the connection in my head, but when I'd turned Ken down he'd kissed me and everything had gone downhill from there. Even though my heart told me that Ny wasn't like that, that he was safe and trustworthy, it had once told me the same of Ken and I couldn't even trust myself anymore.
"I just didn't know how to react around you," I repeated, looking up and into his eyes. "But we're still friends, and I'll stop avoiding you from now on if you'll do the same for me. Deal?"
"Deal!" he exclaimed, a large grin spreading across his face. "So we're cool now, right?"
"Yeah, we're cool," I agreed. "Now go home, I know you hate being in hospitals."
"Alright. Thanks, Yamato. I'll see you later then. And I hope you get feeling better soon."
"Thanks," I said, waving bye to him as he headed out of the room. Once he was gone I carefully rolled myself onto my side, mindful of the fact that my body felt like one giant bruise. I wished my life could stop being some crazy and painful drama and just get back to normal. I was tired of all the madness.
* * *
A knock on the half-opened door woke me out of a light doze later that afternoon. I yawned and carefully sat up a bit, blinking sleep out of my eyes as some of the last people I wanted to see walked in.
"Yamato!" Takeru cried, running over to me and stopping short at the side of the bed.
I plastered a smile I didn't feel on to my face, inwardly cringing. "Hey, Takeru," I said, reaching out to ruffle his hair a bit. I looked behind him at the woman who'd followed him in. "Natsuko," I said neutrally, my voice even.
She smiled at me, hovering just inside the door still. "Hi, Yamato. Hiroaki called to tell us what happened, and your brother insisted on visiting as soon as he could. How are you feeling?"
"Fine," I said shortly, not willing to give her anything and inwardly cursing Dad for calling her. Why did she always have to insist on this charade? She and I both knew she didn't really care. Hell, she'd just admitted she was only here because Takeru wanted to see me. She wouldn't even come in the room all the way.
"I'm sorry you're back in the hospital again," she tried, but I just shrugged. At this point I was almost used to it, not that I wanted to share that with her.
"Thanks for bringing Takeru by," I said instead, more or less dismissing her.
"Right," she said, and for a brief moment I thought I saw a look of hurt flash across her face. But almost immediately she was smiling at me, and I chalked it up to still being half-asleep. "I'll be by in a bit to pick you back up, alright?" she told Takeru. "Have a good visit with your brother and try not to tire him out."
"I won't mom, don't worry," he told her, turning to me and rolling his eyes. "She worries too much," he said once she'd gone. I shrugged at him too, unable to relate. "How are you feeling, really?" he asked me, looking worried. "Mom said you were hurt, but she wouldn't tell me how. Are you okay?"
I sighed, not wanting to talk about it with my brother anymore than I had Dad or Taichi. "I'm fine," I said. "I'm mostly tired." As if to prove my point, a yawn caught me unawares just then, and I reached up a hand to cover my mouth, briefly shutting my eyes. I really just wanted Takeru to leave so I could go back to sleep... I didn't want him seeing me like this.
A sharp gasp had my eyes snapping back open to look at my brother. To my confusion, he was staring at me with tears in his eyes, a disbelieving look on his face. "Yamato...?" he asked, voice shaking slightly.
"What is..." I trailed off as I suddenly realised what it was my brother had spotted. Being clad in nothing more than a simple hospital gown, both my wrists were completely uncovered and sporting their shiny new scars. At some point while I'd been unconscious, the last bit of scabbing that had been left around the edges had fallen off, and now they were complete scars. I was so used to having long sleeves on all the time that I'd completely forgotten to hide them from Takeru. And I'd just lifted a hand right in front of my brother.
"Please tell me that's not what it looks like," Takeru begged me, some of the threatening tears beginning to spill over.
I bit my lip and looked away, a few tears of my own building up. I hadn't wanted my brother to know. It was bad enough that he knew what Ken had done to me without details. But for him to know just how far Ken had pushed me... "I'm sorry," I whispered, not daring to look back at him.
"Yamato..." My brother's voice was so full of pain I could hardly bear it. "Why did you... You know I love you, right? And Dad, and Taichi, and all our other friends... Why would you-"
"Takeru, stop," I cut him off, not able to listen to his pain anymore. "It was almost two months ago, okay? I know everybody loves me, and believe me, it was a stupid mistake I definitely regret. I don't want to die and I have no plans to ever try again, so don't cry, please?"
"But why did you even do it in the first place? Why would you resort to that first instead of trying to get help?"
I sighed, rubbing my forehead. I could feel a headache coming on. "It was a very bad situation and one I don't really want to talk or think about anymore. Please, Takeru, don't worry over it. I promise it's not going to happen again."
Takeru reached out a hand towards one of my wrists, perhaps wanting to touch one of the scars, but before he could I yanked my hands away, pulling the covers up over them. "Don't," I said quietly.
"Okay," he said, just as quiet, his eyes apologetic. "But I'll always worry about you, you're my brother after all."
"I know," I replied. "And I wouldn't have it any other way."
He smiled, and the talk turned to less serious things after that. He gave me a bit of gossip about what was going on in the other Chosens' lives, as I hadn't seen much of them outside of lunch or classes at school sometimes. After a short while, Natsuko stopped by again to pick him up. I gave my brother a hug before he left, telling him I'd try to find time for us to hang out soon. I ignored Natsuko's get well wishes entirely.
* * *
"At last, freedom!" I cried, grinning back at my dad and Taichi as they followed me into the apartment. Dr. Kaos had finally seen fit to release me from the hospital, admitting there wasn't really much they could do for me other than a nice prescription for pain killers. He had admonished me to take it easy, but since I didn't plan on doing anything other than school and band practice, that wasn't a problem.
Taichi laughed at me, grinning back. "Glad to be out, huh?"
"Yes!" I said fervently. "It's so boring just laying around with only a TV for entertainment. And it will be nice to sleep in my own bed again." I shuddered, thinking of how uncomfortable the one at the hospital had been. Taichi laughed again, and we quickly retreated to my room to relax and hang out, leaving Dad to watch the news in peace. I sank down onto my bed, sighing happily as I buried my face into my pillow. "I missed you so much!" I told my bed, petting the covers.
Taichi took a seat at my desk, positioning himself in the chair backwards, an amused look on his face at my antics. "Was it that bad?"
"You have no idea," I told him, shuddering again.
At that, his face turned serious. "No, I don't," he agreed quietly. "Are you going to tell me yet what happened to land you in the hospital?"
I sighed, my good mood at being home rapidly evaporating. "Taichi..."
He leaned forward in my direction. "I didn't push you the other day because I knew you were tired and probably hadn't had time to process it yourself yet, but it's been two days now. You haven't told anyone and we're all worried as hell for you."
"Don't worry. I'm fine." I said dismissively.
"You're not!" he half-cried. "Someone's hurt you again, and just like before you're keeping silent on it. Who was it? Did Ken find you again? What exactly happened? You can trust me, Yamato, and you can trust your dad. We just want to help you. Please tell one of us."
"I can't," I said, my voice cracking. "I can't, Taichi, I really can't. I'm sorry. I still can't even let myself think about it yet, much less be able to tell someone else. Please don't ask me right now, please," I begged, near tears.
He was quiet for a moment, watching me as I tried to collect myself and calm back down. I took a few steadying breaths, bringing my hands up to wipe away my tears. His eyes followed them, and after a moment I realised he was looking at the scars. When Dad had brought me clothes to wear he'd just grabbed a t-shirt, not realising my need to keep my wrists covered now. It was probably the first time Taichi had seen them, as the last time had just been a quick glimpse of scabs. Apparently he'd been too distracted to notice in the hospital.
I brought my arms back down, hiding my wrists against my sides.
"You don't have to hide them from me," he said softly. "I'm not going to judge you for them, or be disgusted by them."
I shrugged a bit jerkily and got up to exchange my shirt for a long-sleeved one. "Maybe I'm hiding them from me," I muttered.
He sighed, but stayed silent. "Did Ny ever come visit you?" he asked finally, mercifully changing the subject.
I nodded, yanking my pillow into my lap and hugging it close. "For a little bit. He apologised again about, you know... kissing me. He apparently thought I didn't want to be his friend anymore."
"Well with you two avoiding each other, it's no wonder he thought that."
"We made a deal to quit that."
"Good! The rest of us were getting quite tired of watching you two pretend to not realise the other existed."
"The rest...?" I wondered.
"Surely you didn't expect Kenji and Ratz to have not noticed?"
"Noooooo," I said, drawing it out, though in truth I hadn't thought too much about it. "I just didn't realise everyone was talking about it behind my back."
"They were curious."
"You didn't tell them, did you?" I demanded, horrified at the thought.
"No! Geeze, Yamato, what do you take me for? I just told them I didn't know what was up between you two but that you'd probably eventually work it out and they should leave you alone about it."
"Good. Sorry. Thank you," I said, heartbeat slowly returning to normal. If either of them had ever learned of what happened between us, the teasing would probably never let up. I flopped backward onto my bed, wincing as my back hit it harder than I meant. Kento had jumped on it pretty hard...
Which I was resolutely not thinking about. I rolled over onto my stomach, my legs still dangling off the edge. I wished I could take a nap, but I knew Dad would make me go to school tomorrow and I didn't need to sleep the day away.
"You alright?" Taichi asked.
"Yeah." I made a face, even though Taichi couldn't see it. "Just don't want to go to school tomorrow."
"You need to, though. You've already missed so much..."
"You sound like Dad," I grumbled.
"Sorry," he said, not sounding sorry at all.
"Yeah, yeah... You wanna watch a movie or something? I'm already bored."
Taichi laughed. "You're not good at doing nothing, are you?"
"No. It's boring."
"Alright. Come on then. I'll go pick out a DVD, and you go get us snacks. Sound good?"
"You and your stomach," I said, rolling my eyes, but I got up anyways and followed him down the hall, stopping in the kitchen to find something for his eternally hungry stomach. The afternoon was starting to feel more like old times, before everything with Ken.
It was a good feeling.
* * *
I reluctantly dragged myself off to school the next morning at Dad's insistent prodding, wishing that I could do nothing more than stay in bed and sleep. I'd managed to fall asleep during the movie yesterday, against my better efforts, and when I'd actually gone to bed much later that night, I'd had several nightmares that left me feeling exhausted and drained. I at least no longer had to deal with Kawada Sensei in second period, something I was thankful for every single day. Especially when I'd accidentally fallen asleep and was only gently reprimanded by Kurata Sensei at the end of the class.
When I walked into third, I was immediately pounced on by Kenji. "Yamato!" he cried, exuberant as ever. "Where were you Friday? I missed you!"
I carefully extracted myself from his grasp and stared at him. "I was only gone one day," I said, neatly avoiding his question. "You couldn't have missed me that much."
"Sure I did!" he countered, grinning happily at me. Thankfully I was spared from any more of his hyper mood as Ny walked in then and Kenji turned his attentions onto him.
"Ny!" he yelled, running over to him and hugging him tight. "I missed you!"
Ny didn't even bother to free himself. "...You just saw me in second period," he said, also staring.
"I know!" Kenji exclaimed. "But I missed you! Family's important!"
I smiled, shaking my head as I took my seat. The band really was like a family, I thought happily. One I wouldn't trade for anything.
* * *
Later that afternoon found us having an impromptu band practice in our usual room after school. Genjitsu, Ratsuii's new boyfriend, was there with us, claiming curiosity about our process. And, I suspected, avoiding the tediousness of his month long detentions that he was currently supposed to be at. A lot of times when we had band practice we didn't really get any real practising done, unless there was a concert coming up, but because Gen was there we actually decided to do some work for once.
After about half an hour of practice though, Kenji set down his drumsticks and looked at us. "Can we go to Ny's house for practice instead?"
"Why?" Ratsuii asked. "What's wrong with here?"
Kenji shrugged. "Just don't feel like being in the school any longer."
"Why is it always my house?" Ny griped as we started packing up.
"Because Kenji's mom doesn't like people over and Ratsuii's hundreds of siblings would never give us a moment of peace and my neighbours complain about 'that racket' every time," I reminded him. “Plus your place is the biggest.”
"Hey!" Ratsuii protested. "I only have three siblings!"
"I thought you had four?" I asked, mentally recounting them in my head.
"...Right. Four," he agreed after a moment's pause. "Koji, Kori, Tori, and Luna... Four."
I stared at him, wondering why he sounded so hesitant about that, but then shrugged it off, deciding to tease him instead. "Kori and Tori are two separate people, even if they don't act like it sometimes. Or did you forget how to count?"
"Are your siblings twins?" Gen asked suddenly, surprising the rest of us.
"Kori and Tori are, yes. They're a year younger than me," Ratsuii explained. "Koji's also seventeen, he's about six months younger than me. Luna's the baby of the family, she's only four," he finished up, a fond smile appearing on his face when talking about Luna.
"Six months...?" Gen wondered. "How...?"
"He was adopted. If you'd like, you can come over sometime soon and meet them all. You'll be lucky if the twins say more than hi to you, but Koji's a pretty awesome guy."
Gen smiled at him. "I'd like that."
In a short time, we were all reassembled in Ny's room, getting moments of practice in between teasing Ratz about dating Gen. It had started with Kenji making a teasing remark about Ratz already bringing the boyfriend home to meet the parents, and hadn't let up since.
"Will you guys just shove off already!" he finally cried after one remark too many, his face red from embarrassment. "You know it's not like that!"
Gen smirked, hopping off Ny's bed and walking over to his boyfriend. "I think they're jealous of us, just ignore them." And with that he leaned in, grabbed Ratz's face with both hands, and proceeded to firmly kiss the life out of his boyfriend.
Kenji, of course, immediately let out an impressed whistle. "Way to go, guys!" he cheered. "Way to knock that first kiss right out of the park!"
Gen finally let Ratsuii go, and he pulled back, his face flaming. "Third," he mumbled in Kenji's direction.
"Quick pecks on the cheek or lips don't count," I said in jest.
Ratsuii groaned. "Come on Yamato, not you too!"
As we continued to joke around, I heard Kenji asking Ny what was wrong.
"Nothing," I heard Ny mumble.
I quit with the jokes and motioned for the others to quiet down too, having wondered myself. Nyusumi had always been a rather quiet kind of guy, but even for him his quiet of today was unusual. He hadn't even joined in with any of today's teasing.
"Seriously man, you've been super quiet all day. Something's obviously bothering you."
"Look, I can't really say right now, okay?" he snapped, giving Kenji a look I couldn't interpret. "It's a family problem," he added, stressing the word 'family' ever so slightly.
Kenji, at least, seemed to understand it better than the rest of us, because he just nodded and asked, "Later then?"
"Sure," Ny muttered back. "Can we get back to practising now, since we went to all this trouble?"
The rest of us looked around at each other for a moment, before mentally shrugging and agreeing to just let it go.
"Let's practice then!"
* * *
A few hours later, after we'd had enough of practice and Gen was getting bored (I half expected he wanted to kiss Ratsuii some more, he'd looked as if he'd thoroughly enjoyed that first one), I was walking home by myself. It was just late enough for the sun to be setting, and I was a little nervous. I was starting to wish I'd had one of my bandmates walk me, or invited Taichi along to the practice. I'd quickly discovered in the last couple days that I no longer felt comfortable being alone outside, now afraid that I'd run into Kento's gang once more, and possibly not survive another encounter.
Therefore, when I turned a corner and bumped into someone going the opposite direction, already on edge from my own thoughts, I automatically thought 'Kento'. I let out a startled scream and immediately took off down the street, not wanting to give them a chance to hurt me again. I drew to a sudden halt, however, when I heard a familiar voice yelling my name. I risked a glance behind me, and sure enough, Koushiro was standing there calling after me, looking confused and worried.
I headed back to him slowly, feeling incredibly stupid, my entire face flaming. "Hi, Koushiro," I greeted him when I got near enough, hoping he wouldn't comment on my reaction.
To my relief, he politely said nothing of my embarrassing reaction. "Yamato. What are you doing out so late?"
"I was just leaving Nyusumi's house. We were practising a bit because Genjitsu was curious to see us work."
"Genjitsu?" he asked blankly. He didn't always keep up with the latest gossip around school, and though he knew my bandmates he wasn't that close to any of them.
"Ratsuii's new boyfriend," I explained. "He decided to experiment, apparently. Where are you headed to?"
"I was headed home, I've spent the afternoon hanging out with Jou. Would you like me to walk with you the rest of the way? You're in the same direction I am."
"Sure," I said, trying to hide just how relieved I was at his offer. He may have not always kept up with rumours, but he could be pretty observant when he wanted. It was pretty great of him to give my pride an out, considering he hadn't been heading my way at all.
"So how's Jou doing with university these days?" I asked as we resumed walking the route to my house. I hadn't really seen much of the Chosen the past few months, as it took enough out of me to handle my relationships with Taichi and my band while still trying to deal with the aftermath of Ken. And with Jou having graduated high school last year, I hardly saw him at all.
"I believe you're familiar with how Jou is, he still becomes frantic over every little test, but he's doing fine. It keeps him very busy, though it appears he's enjoying it. We try to get quality time in when we can," he said.
"Quality time?" I asked, thinking it was an odd way to phrase it. I looked over at him. The rapidly darkening sky made it hard to tell, but it seemed that he was blushing...?
"Hanging out, of course..."
"And making out?" I inquired innocently.
"Somet-No!" he interrupted himself hastily. "Why would you say that?"
I laughed, grinning widely. "Izumi Koushiro!" I cried, affecting mock-offense. "I am hurt! How long have you been holding out on us?"
He was definitely blushing. "I don't know what you mean," he said haughtily, sticking his nose up in the air.
"You're dating Jou, and don't even deny it! You're blushing, and you just as good as admitted it!"
"I'm not sure 'date' is the right terminology," he said, more serious. "Not officially."
"How do you date someone unofficially?" I wondered.
"We spend time together at each others' houses, and sometimes a little more happens," he mumbled. "We've never gone on dates, or declared ourselves a couple."
I stared at him, actually halting in my walk for a minute. "You've never even discussed it at all, have you?" I asked incredulously.
"No."
I continued on again, catching up to him again. "You should," I told him.
"I'm afraid to," he admitted. "What if he doesn't like me back?"
"You should know Jou's not like that more than any of us. I don't think he would keep kissing you if he didn't like you that way. He's probably just as afraid as you are, maybe even more so considering how worry-prone he is. Just talk to him. I can't imagine you'd regret it."
"You're right, of course," he said after a moment's quiet contemplation. "Thank you, Yamato."
"Hey, that's what friends are for," I said easily. We rounded the last corner then, my apartment building coming into view. "That's my stop," I said, nodding towards it. "Thanks for walking with me."
"Like you said, that's what friends are for, right?" he said, smiling gently at me.
I smiled back. "Yeah. See you at school?"
"Of course. Take care, Yamato." He waved, and then stood there watching until I'd safely gone through the door of my building.
Koushiro really was a good friend, one I was lucky to have. Hopefully when I got myself together a bit more I'd start hanging out with him more regularly. I felt guilty for neglecting him and the others as of late.
The apartment was empty when I let myself in. Dad was probably staying late at work, since he'd actually taken the weekend off while I was in the hospital. After a few moments of standing there in the dark living room, I sighed and gave in to the inevitable.
I still didn't like being alone in the apartment, especially when I didn't know for sure where Dad was or how late he would be. Even though Ken had already seen me once and hadn't hurt me, I still considered him an unknown now. I just couldn't trust him anymore. Reaching into my pocket, I pulled out my cell and dialled Taichi's familiar number.
"Taichi?" I said when he picked up. "Would you feel up to coming round?"
* * *
I gasped as one of Taichi's fingers brushed lightly against my nipple. In response, he just kissed me harder and did it again, making me moan quietly into his mouth. The TV droned on in the background, completely forgotten by this point.
"Taichi," I gasped as we broke apart.
He smiled at me, reaching up a hand to brush away a few stray strands of hair that had fallen in my face. "You alright?" he murmured.
I nodded, smiling back at him. I wasn't, entirely. Just as before, once he started going beyond kissing, I started getting nervous. It wasn't that I didn't enjoy it, because I did. It felt great, and what's more, I wanted it. But to my frustration, my body still remembered what having someone touch me used to feel like, and it got scared. But I didn't know what else to do except just ignore it and hope I could get past it.
Taichi went back to kissing me, his fingers moving to pinch at my nipple gently. I groaned, the sensations shooting straight to my groin. I wanted to put my own hands under his shirt, make him feel just as good, but even though it was irrational, I was just as scared of hurting him as I was of getting hurt, so I kept my hands at my sides and tried to remain relaxed.
The sound of keys undoing the locks made us both freeze, and then the door opened and Dad stepped in.
He looked at us, whatever he was about to say dying out as he caught sight of the position we were in. His mouth opened and closed a few times without sound, and I just stared back at him, completely mortified to be caught by him once again.
"That's your dad, isn't it?" Taichi muttered to me, apparently too embarrassed to turn around and see for himself. His hand was frozen under my shirt still, and it was giving me a strange sense of déjà vu.
"We should really learn to go in my bedroom and lock the door," I muttered back.
"Probably a good idea for the future, boys," Dad finally managed to say, having overheard us.
"Duly noted," I said, then hissed at Taichi to remove his hand. He did so hastily, mumbling apologies, his face a bit red.
Dad raised his eyebrows at us, then apparently decided he was better off dismissing the scene from his mind. "I actually just came to get some files," he said, crossing through the room to the kitchen.
"Files?" I asked, raising my voice as he headed down the hall to his room.
"The station asked me to help out with covering a series of murders in Tamachi a few days back," Dad called back to me. "I had the files with me when I stopped by the apartment for supper earlier and forgot to take them back with me."
"What kind of murders?" I asked, my mind immediately latching onto 'Tamachi' and thinking of what Taichi had told me about Ken a little over a week ago. Taichi gave me a look, letting me know he'd made the same connection.
Dad stepped back into the kitchen, files in hand. "Some maniac has been breaking into homes and stabbing families to death, raping any women there as well. There's been about six so far. They've all been in Tamachi though, so there's no need for you to worry about them."
I shook my head. "I wasn't worried," I said absently. "Do you have the names of any of the families?"
"I don't know them offhand, they may be in these papers somewhere," he said. "Why all the curiosity?"
"No reason," I said, unwilling to tell him about Ken. "I was just curious."
"Alright. I'm going to head back out now, guys. I probably won't be home until very late so Taichi, you're more than welcome to stay the night. Just don't forget you've got school in the morning, so don't stay up too late. And Yamato," he said, looking me straight in the eyes, "be careful."
I blushed, knowing exactly how he meant it. "I'll be fine, Dad. Go on, go, I'll see you tomorrow."
The second he was gone, Taichi leaned in towards me, attacking my mouth once more. I eagerly kissed him back, loving nothing more than just being with him right then. It didn't take long for his hand to find its way back under my shirt again, resuming its torturous teasing of my nipples.
We kissed like that for quite some time, and Taichi didn't try to go further than he was already. Gradually I could feel myself relaxing, knowing that I was safe and Taichi wasn't going to hurt me. I was also very hard from all the attention he was giving to my chest, and it made me feel a tiny bit daring. I moved a hand out from my side and edged it up under Taichi's shirt, slowly running my fingers over his stomach and up his chest, rubbing in gentle circles over his nipple when I found it. Taichi gasped and moaned a bit, the sounds sending a thrill of excitement through me. It had been nothing like this with Ken, and I was starting to think I could get through things after all.
"Taichi, stop a moment," I murmured, pushing my hand back against his chest.
He pulled away immediately, giving me a concerned look. "What is it? Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," I reassured him, smiling. "I just-" In lieu of speaking, I reached out and grasped the bottom of Taichi's shirt, carefully tugging it upwards. He got the idea quickly, raising his arms so I could pull it off. Once I had it off and tossed to the floor, I scooted over a bit, laying back so that my head rested on the arm of the couch, and motioned for him to straddle me.
He did so, taking care not to make me nervous, and we went back to making out and exploring each others' chests. There was a brief moment of panic when he tugged on the bottom of my shirt, wanting it off, but I shook my head 'no' and he quickly backed off. To my internal annoyance, I found that my body had once again begun tensing up with anxiety, especially when Taichi's fingers started trailing down and around my belly instead. It had never been good when I was laying on the couch with someone on top of me, and I didn't know why I had picked this position. I lowered my arms back down to my sides again, trying to will myself to calm down, but I was extremely tense and it didn't take Taichi long to notice.
He stopped touching me and sat back up, looking down at me. "Do we need to stop?" he asked, and his voice was so understanding that I wanted to cry. It wasn't fair. I didn't want to be scared of getting hurt! I wanted to be able to have fun and just enjoy sexual things with my boyfriend without being reminded of previous painful experiences. Why did Ken have to do such horrible things to me?
I shook my head no at Taichi, wanting desperately to get past this, to be okay and to make him happy. "I want to try," I whispered to him. "I want you to touch me. Please."
"Okay. But if you need me to stop at any point, just say so," he said seriously. "I won't be upset."
"Okay," I agreed, and reached up to pull him back down into a kiss. Wanting me to relax, he stuck to just kissing for a little while. Slowly the tension left my body, enjoying the sensations of being close with someone I cared for. Once he sensed that I was less anxious again, he re-introduced his hands; however, the second they touched my stomach I tensed up again, afraid of him going slower. Mentally yelling at myself that it was only Taichi and he wouldn't hurt me, I closed my eyes and took a couple of deep breaths.
"Still want this?" Taichi asked softly.
I opened my eyes and looked into his. "Yes."
"I won't hurt you," he murmured, running his fingers just under the edge of my jeans. "I promise, Yama. I just want to make you feel good."
"I know," I mumbled. Knowing didn't make any difference though. I jerked when he undid the snap on my jeans, the sound making me flash back to all the times Ken had done the same to me, yanking my clothes off my body roughly so he could do as he wished.
Trying to distract myself, I pulled Taichi into another kiss, desperately doing my best to shove all thoughts of Ken out of my head. Ken was gone, he was done and over with. It was Taichi who was here now, Taichi who cared about me and wanted to be with me and would hurt himself before he'd ever willingly hurt me.
Taichi acquiesced easily, but this time it didn't help me. I was too focused on the fact that my jeans were undone, and Taichi was going to touch me just like Ken had, and it was going to hurt like it always had...
When I felt his hand start to slip in my boxers, I jerked away hard, crying out. "No!"
Taichi sat up instantly, taking his hands away and being sure not to touch me. I was already babbling apologies, extremely upset.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I really want to, but I can't, I can't Taichi, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to be a tease, please don't hate me-"
Taichi very carefully reached out and grabbed my hand, trying to get my attention. I shut up and looked at him. "Yamato," he said very seriously. "It's alright. I'm not upset, I told you I wouldn’t be, so please don't beat yourself up over it. If you're not ready, then you're just not ready and that's fine. I'm not going to be mad at you for something you can't help. You're not a tease and I don't hate you, okay?"
"I just hate being like this," I whispered, close to tears.
"Like what?"
"All... broken and stuck. Even though I know, I know, you're safe and you would never hurt me, every time you touch me or get close to touching me I remember all the things Ken did to me and I get so scared they're going to happen all over again. It isn't fair and I hate it! I just want to be normal again," I confessed, starting to cry.
"Yamato..." Taichi said, sounding pained. He climbed off of me and helped me sit up, hugging me. "It really hasn't been all that long since Ken abused you. It's been what, maybe a month, a month and a half? It's amazing that you've even just gone as far as you have. And from the things you've told me, he hurt you very badly. Things like that take a lot of time to move past. You just need to give yourself some more time, okay?"
I didn't answer him. I only continued to cry, wanting so badly to believe him, knowing I didn't.
part two

digimon, completed, waiting

Previous post Next post
Up