Waiting (rewrite), Book 1, Chapter 7
After living through hell for months, Yamato is finally free from Ken and ready to move on with his life. But are things ever really that simple? Sequel to Untold Secrets. References to rape/sexual abuse and suicide. Some violence/swearing.
[Digimon] M, drama/hurt/comfort, 5205 (68909) words, published 12-28-13
UPDATE This chapter is the final version
previous chapter
Waiting
by: butterflie
chapter seven, coming out
Book One
in times like these
we need to find a way
to make a better day
keep my feet on the ground turning 'round
come what may
everybody
everybody needs someone they can lean on
everybody needs to lean on someone
- Mavis Staples, in times like these.
"Do you think this will be enough snacks?" I asked doubtfully, looking at the small pile Hikari and I had amassed.
My sister just laughed, rolling her eyes at me. "If you're still hungry after this, just come out for more, Taichi."
"I suppose-" I started to say, but the rest of my words were suddenly drowned out by loud yelling-Yamato's voice, floating down the hall from my bedroom.
"Shut up!" came the cry from the other room. "Just shut the hell up already!"
"Dammit," I groaned, immediately having a pretty good idea of what had happened. I gave Hikari an annoyed glare. "I thought you talked to her."
"I did." Hikari frowned, looking irritated herself. "She promised she'd give him space and not mention Ken."
"Either she couldn't resist or she found some other way to upset him. We'd better get in there," I sighed.
"Yamato! Yamato, hey, wake up! Yamato!"
My eyes widened upon hearing Miyako's suddenly panicked cries, and I abandoned the food entirely, racing towards my bedroom, already knowing that whatever awaited me wasn't going to be good. Why had I thought this night would be a good idea?
Hikari and Mom and Dad were hot on my heels, and we arrived to find Miyako shaking Yamato a little bit, who was curled in a ball on the floor in front of my desk, trembling and gasping desperately for breath. It didn't take a second glance to tell me he was stuck in another memory-filled panic attack. "Get away from him!" I shouted at her, instantly angry beyond all belief. I didn't know what the hell she'd done, but I just knew she was the one responsible for his current state of distress. It didn't matter to me that it likely hadn't been on purpose. She'd been warned, how hard was it to just keep it casual and friendly?
"Taichi, help!" she said in relief, stepping away from him. "I came in and said hi and he just started freaking out on me!"
"I highly doubt that," I snarled at her, and then went over to Yamato, dropping down beside him. Hikari thankfully grabbed Miyako's arm and led her out of the room, probably calming her or some such nonsense.
"Yamato?" I said softly, though I wasn't expecting an answer. I was hesitant to touch him, not sure what memories he was reliving, or what Miyako's shaking had done to him. My parents were still hovering in the room uncertainly, clearly at a loss on how to help, but I ignored them, wanting to focus only on Yamato for the moment. "Yamato," I said firmly, careful to keep my voice at an even, steady tone. "It's Taichi. You're safe here, you're fine, no one is hurting you. You're safe, Yamato. You're not being hurt and no one plans to hurt you." I kept this up, pausing every so often to listen to his breathing, to see if he was calming down any.
"Is he okay?" Dad asked, but I ignored them, continuing my calming mantra.
"Honey, should we call his father?" Mom asked, uncertainty and worry in her voice.
"No!" I yelled at them, annoyed at their interruptions. "I've got this! Please, just leave," I asked, softening my voice when I realised it was scaring Yamato. They gave the two of us more worried looks, but did as I asked.
I didn't know how long I sat there, doing my best to reassure him, but eventually his breathing steadied out and he seemed to become aware of his surroundings again, blinking and looking around the room before focusing on me. Clarity came back into his eyes, and shame and despair crossed his face. "I did it again," he said in a near whisper, his voice wavering a bit.
I shook my head dismissively at him. "It's okay. No one expects you to magically be recovered overnight. Are you okay for the moment?"
He shrugged at me, and then after a moment's seeming contemplation, as if he was really assessing himself, he nodded.
"Will you be okay if I leave for a moment? I need to let my parents know you're fine. They were worried."
"Yeah," he said softly. Slowly he uncurled, and pulled himself off the floor to deposit himself on the bottom bunk of my bed. Once there, he immediately pressed himself up against the wall, drawing his knees against his chest and wrapping his arms around them. He was so quiet and upset, it reminded me of the night we'd become official. At least he was talking this time, though I found little comfort in the fact. I wished he didn't have to hurt anymore.
I gave him a worried look and then left the room, heading towards the living room where I figured my parents would be, hoping I could talk to them quickly and then get back to Yamato. I wanted to be by his side, giving him what small, silent support I could. But before I even made it that far, I ran into my sister in the kitchen, still trying to comfort Miyako. Upon seeing that, all my anger at her came flooding back full force, and I completely lost it.
"Have you gone insane?" I shouted at her. I still didn't know what she'd said or done, but to me that didn't make it any less her fault. Yamato already went through enough at school and with other people, he didn't need what was supposed to be a safe space turning into hell too. And Miyako was supposed to be one of us, she should have known better. "What the hell were you thinking! Hikari specifically asked you to give Yamato space and not bring up anything that might upset him!"
"I just... I went in to tell him we were almost ready to watch the movies," she replied, cringing away from me and tearing up a bit. "I didn't do anything to him, he just started flipping out like that!"
"Oh please," I sneered at her, seething with rage that she'd bother to lie. "Yamato's not going to flip just at the sight of you. You said something to him, didn't you?! Something to do with Ken, or what happened to him. Something you promised you wouldn't do!"
"No!" she cried, a few tears sliding down her cheeks. "I mean, yes, I asked him if they'd been dating, but that was it! I didn't ask him anything else, I wasn't doing anything to upset him!"
"If you weren't doing anything to upset him, then why was he in the middle of a damn panic attack when I went in there? Why was he shouting at you to shut up? You shouldn't have said anything at all!"
"Taichi, stop!" my sister yelled at me, coming to stand in between us. "Can't you see she feels bad enough already without you having to scream at her?"
"Then she should have thought of that before she started upsetting Yamato! Besides, you're only defending her because of your crush on her! If you were thinking clearly you'd be on my side!"
"Taichi!" Hikari reached out and slapped me across the cheek, then stood there staring at me, eyes wide and skin pale with shock. I stared back at her in surprise, my cheek stinging, and went back over my words in my head, only then realising what I'd done.
I'd given Hikari's secret away.
"Hikari, shit, I'm sorry, I didn't mean..."
"Shut up!" she screamed at me, starting to cry as presumably the reality of my outing her began to sink in. "Just shut up! How could you? I hate you, Taichi!"
"Alright, what's going on now?" Dad asked, looking resigned as he and Mom came into the kitchen to see what this commotion was about.
I didn't bother to answer, just stormed past them to head back to my bedroom with Yamato, while my sister stormed off in the opposite direction to the living room, leaving Miyako to stand in the middle of the kitchen in shock. My parents could only stand and watch the three of us in complete confusion.
"Is everything okay?" Yamato asked me when I stalked back into the bedroom, slamming the door behind me. "I heard yelling."
I just shook my head at him, not up to discussing what had just happened yet. "I don't want to talk about it right now. Maybe later," I muttered.
He wisely dropped it, and we sat and watched one of my movies in silence. So much for a great night.
* * *
"Sorry it turned out so terrible," I said apologetically the next morning. I was standing at the front door of our apartment, seeing Yamato off. I'd offered to walk him home, but he'd declined since our buildings were just right across from each other. The night had mostly been a bust. After the movie we'd watched had ended, he'd finally told me what Miyako had said to him to set him, and in return I'd told him of the fight I'd gotten into in the kitchen, and what I'd accidentally done to Hikari, swearing him to secrecy about her sexuality, feeling guilty still that I was telling him. After that, the mood in the room had been pretty low, and we'd decided to just go to bed. I wouldn't blame him if he didn't ever come round to my place again.
"It's fine," he muttered, waving it off. "It's not your fault Miyako said those things. I just wish your parents hadn't seen me like that..."
"They won't hold it against you or anything. They were a little confused and worried at first, yeah, but they get it. Look, are you sure you don't want me to walk home with you?" It wasn't a far walk at all, but I really was just looking for an excuse to get out of the apartment, and away from Hikari, who was undoubtedly still very angry with me, not that I didn't deserve it.
"No, it's fine Taichi, really. Besides, you should stay and try to fix things with Hikari."
I made a face. Trust Yamato to see right through me. I knew he was right, but a pissed off Hikari was a scary thing I'd learned to stay away from years ago. "I suppose I should," I mumbled.
"Yes, you should. Now, I'm going to go home. Call me later and let me know how it went, okay?"
I sighed. "I will." After checking behind me to make sure my parents hadn't come in the room, I leaned in and gave him a quick kiss, then waved a goodbye and shut the door. Once he was gone, I stood motionlessly in the living room for a bit, knowing Hikari was in the kitchen and not wanting to face her. Yamato was right though, I really needed to make things right with my sister, and putting it off would only make things worse. And yet, I was genuinely anxious about talking to her, not sure if she would even acknowledge me after what I'd done. Even if Miyako had fucked up last night, and even if my anger with her was justified, that didn't give me the right to out my sister to her.
Finally, however, I decided to just suck it up and get it over with. I didn't want the anxiety of it hanging over my head. I made my way into the kitchen, where Hikari was doing some homework at the table while Mom was at the counter making lunch preparations, chatting casually at her every so often. I took a deep breath, mentally preparing myself to face the wrath of an angry Hikari, then spoke in the calmest voice I could manage. "Hikari, can I talk to you for a minute?"
She didn't even look up at me, just continued printing neat lines of characters down the page. "I'm busy," she said, and her voice was so cold I winced. This might be tougher than I thought...
Mom looked up from where she was mumbling to herself about not having the right sort of spices or something, and smiled over at us both. "Go on, Hikari, take a break from your homework and see what he wants. You've been at that for quite a while now." I smiled back at Mom briefly, mentally thanking her. She knew we weren't talking, even if she didn't know why, and she was giving me the chance to apologise to my sister that she knew my sister wouldn't give me.
Hikari glared down at her paper upon hearing Mom's words, but after a moment she grudgingly shut her books and followed me down the hall to my room.
I shut the door after us, then turned back to her. She was sitting on the bottom bunk of my bed already, stubbornly not looking at me.
I took another deep breath, bracing myself. I decided to keep it simple. "Hikari, I'm sorry." There. I'd said it.
"So?" Her voice was still cold. I sighed. Clearly simple wasn't going to work.
"I was just upset and scared last night. It doesn't matter how many times it happens, it's still hard seeing Yamato like that. And knowing that Miyako pushed him into that, after promising she wouldn't... I know that doesn't give me the right to do what I did, but I didn't really mean to do it. I never would have if I was thinking clearly. I'm really, really sorry. Please, Hikari, please forgive me? I hate it when you're upset with me."
"I don't care," she said, but her voice was wavering now.
"You do, and I swear I would take it back if I could," I told her, truly meaning it. As mad as I was at Miyako, I'd regretted what I'd said the second I'd realised what I had done. I'd wanted to hit myself for how stupid I'd been.
"She barely talked to me!" Hikari cried, finally breaking. "The whole night, I don't think she said more than five words to me! And she left practically as soon as we got out of bed this morning; if she could have left last night, she would have. She hates me now, and it's your fault!"
Could she make me feel any worse? "Oh come on, I doubt she hates you. She's probably just surprised and doesn't know what to say to you yet. I'm sure she'll come around if you just give her time."
"Why did you have to go and open your big mouth? I should have never told you!"
I cringed. Clearly she could. "I really am so sorry, Hikari. Please don't be mad at me anymore. Please?"
"You hurt me, Taichi."
I sighed, and dropped down on the bed next to her, reaching over to give her a hug. "I know I did, Hikari. I never meant to. I never would on purpose. I'm so sorry."
She pulled away from me and closed her eyes, pressing her hands into them. She was silent for a few moments, and I stayed quiet as well, not wanting to press her and make her even angrier. Finally she sighed, and pulled her hands away, looking over at me. "I know you are," she whispered, leaning back into me. "You were mostly just scared, and I know how fear makes you react. I do forgive you, even if I'm still a little mad at you."
I smiled, hugely relieved she wasn't going to keep holding a grudge. "Thank you. And Hikari, I really do think she'll come around. Just give her some time. Okay?"
She didn't look certain, but she nodded at me nonetheless. "I hope so, Taichi."
* * *
A little while later, I was sitting at my desk and actually attempting to do some homework when I just barely heard a knock at the front door. Knowing Mom and Hikari had gone out grocery shopping and Dad had gone into work this morning, I would have to be the one to answer it. Abandoning my books with a sigh of relief, I went to the door and pulled it open.
"Mimi?" I asked in surprise, hardly expecting to see her standing there. Sure, we were good enough friends, but we didn't really hang out that often lately, and definitely never showed up at each others' places unannounced, Digital World related emergencies barring.
She smiled at me. "Hi, Taichi!" she said brightly.
"Did you... need something?" I asked, a bit confused.
She shrugged, still smiling. "It's a nice day out. Wanna go get some ice cream with me?"
I grinned at her. I still wasn't quite sure what was going on, but hey, food was food. "Now how could I say no to that?" I stepped back to let her in. "Come in, sit for a minute while I go get ready."
"Thanks." She came in, taking a seat on our sofa and looking around. "Wow, I think it looked like this the last time I was here. It never changes, does it?"
"Not really," I told her as I ducked into my bedroom to put my homework away and get changed into something better. "It works for us, so Mom and Dad are content to leave it the way it is. I suppose it's been awhile since you've been here, huh?"
"Not since I moved back to Odaiba, I think," she called out to me.
"Well, we see each other at school every day, so it doesn’t really seem that long," I said, suddenly feeling a little bad it had been that long. Really, I'd barely hung out with any of my other friends the past couple months, having been busy trying to help Yamato. And even when I wasn't with him, I was running errands for my mom, or trying to stay caught up on homework, or occasionally hanging out with my other friends, or was too emotionally drained to handle socialising... It's a wonder I wasn't falling apart myself.
I quickly dug through my dresser drawers, grabbing the only clean shirt left that wasn't a school uniform. I pulled it over my head, grinning a little when I realised it was my old 'triangle' shirt. I hadn't worn this one in a while; I was surprised it still fit. Yamato used to tease me often when I'd wear it. "What, you need a shirt to help you keep your shapes straight?" he'd ask. I would just laugh and tell him, "Of course." Now I wondered if he'd ever be that carefree again...
Shaking off my suddenly morbid thoughts, I finished getting dressed and went back out to meet Mimi. "Shall we go?" I asked her, smiling and holding my arm out to her in an exaggerated grand gesture.
She grinned back at me, standing and taking it. "Let's go."
* * *
"Alright, Mimi. Not that I don't love ice cream, but what's up? I thought you usually hung out with Sora on Saturdays." We'd decided to walk around the park a bit after getting our cones, just enjoying the sunny day and talking about nothing in particular, but I'd noticed that for all her smiles, Mimi seemed a little down.
My question only served to make her look even sadder, and she stopped her wandering to take a seat on a nearby park bench. I took a seat next to her and waited for her to answer.
"Sora's got another date," she admitted quietly, looking down at her melting ice cream. "She actually doesn't hang out with me all that much anymore, we seem to be drifting apart."
I winced, genuinely feeling for her. "I'm sorry, Mimi, I wish that wasn't happening... I can only imagine how much I'd hate it if something like that happened to me and Yamato."
"Yeah," she said sadly. "I don't know what to do, any time I try to make plans with her, she's always got some reason or excuse to not hang out, or else she cancels on me. I tried to call her out on it, but she said it was just my imagination and that we saw each other plenty. I think I'm giving up. I don't want to keep getting hurt."
I felt bad, both for her and about myself. I'd had no idea their friendship was having so much trouble, but I felt like I should have. Somehow, I needed to start making time for my other friends again. Time outside of school. I needed to know what was going on in their lives, and be someone they could turn to in times of need, just like I was for Yamato. "Mimi..."
She shook her head, taking a bite of her ice cream before it melted onto her hand, her face blanking momentarily as she visibly pushed the sadness away. It was clear that she didn't want to discuss it or dwell on it anymore. "It's okay, Taichi, I'll be fine. It doesn't matter anyways, my dad will probably move us back to New York at some point. Besides, what's up with you and Yamato?"
Well, that wasn't at all subtle... Still, I took pity on her, and let her have her subject change. "What do you mean?"
"Just that there's something different between you two." She shrugged, and finished the last bite of her cone. "I've noticed it at lunch. I can't really explain it. You two just act... different."
I grinned a bit sheepishly, then laughed as a sudden gust of wind sent her pink hair flying in every direction, tangling all across her face. Well, Yamato never said we couldn't tell people, and he had told his entire band without asking me first... I took the chance while she was distracted trying to get her hair back under control. "Well, I suppose that's because we're dating now," I said calmly, acting cool, even though inside my heart was thumping nervously, scared how she might take it. I didn't really think she would take it badly, but then, Ken had taught me I could never really be sure about a person, no matter how well I thought I'd known them.
"Well, that explains it... wait, what?" She stopped struggling with her hair to stare at me.
"We're dating," I repeated anxiously. "For almost a month now." Although it occurred to me as I spoke, that technically Yamato and I hadn't even officially been on a first date yet. I wasn't sure if he'd really be up for one, he still had a tendency to hide away in his room when he wasn't at school. Perhaps I could drag him out for his birthday tomorrow, make up for the fiasco that had been last night.
Mimi squealed, breaking me out of my thoughts. "You are?" she cried, grabbing my hands in excitement and bouncing up and down a bit on the bench. "Taichi, that's great!"
I laughed, relieved she was taking it well, and smiled widely at her. "It really is," I agreed.
"I'm so happy for you two!" she enthused. "I knew something was different, but I hadn't guessed you two had finally gotten together! This is really great!"
"Wait, what do you mean finally?" I demanded. If Mimi and the others had been betting on Yamato and me the way his band had...
"Oh please, Taichi, everyone can tell you two have been crushing on each other for ages now. We all knew it was only a matter of time before one of you asked the other out. Who did finally ask?"
I groaned in annoyance. "Please don't tell me you guys bet on us too," I grumbled at her. "And I asked him."
"Ha! I knew it would be you, Mr. Courage. And who's been betting?"
I blushed, rolling my eyes at her. "Hush. Yamato's band took bets on which of us would ask the other."
She shook her head, an amused smirk on her face. "Just like them. So who else knows about you two?"
I stood up, feeling restless from sitting so long. I didn't like staying still in one place. I wanted to walk, to stretch my legs some. I gestured for her to stand as well, which she did amicably enough, finally tying her hair back in the meantime as the wind had started to pick up more. "Not that many people, really," I answered her as we started down the path. "All of Yamato's band knows, of course. Hikari knows, and I think Takeru might. Weirdly enough, Tadaji Sensei knows... Other than that, I think Mr. Ishida knows, and that's it."
"Mr. Ishida knows... Your parents don't?"
I shook my head. "No, they don't know."
"Why not?"
I shrugged. "Just... scared to tell them, I guess." Really, just the thought of them knowing was enough to send bolts of anxiety shooting through my stomach. I honestly had no clue how they would react, and I was afraid to find out.
"Your parents love you, and they seem like reasonable people. Surely they wouldn't take it badly?"
"I don't know. I've thought about it before, and sometimes I get the feeling like Mom might suspect and be fine with it, but I'm afraid to find out I was wrong."
"I'm sure they would be okay with it. You should consider it, Taichi," she told me sincerely.
"Believe me, I have been, for weeks now. I just still don't know if I'm ready."
"Well, I have faith it will all work out! Hey, do you want to go the mall and shop some? I hear they're having a great sale today!"
I laughed. Now there was the Mimi I knew and loved. "Sure, why not?" I knew she was just trying to cheer us both up in her own way, but I appreciated her friendship all the same. And in the meantime, if I was lucky, maybe I could get her to share some first date tips with me.
* * *
After a couple hours of wandering the mall with Mimi, my feet were aching and my arms were loaded down with bags of our purchases. Well, mostly hers. I finally had to beg off any more stores, saying that I had a ton of homework to still do, and I still had to plan mine and Yamato's first date for his birthday.
Mimi dropped me off at my apartment, and after I waved goodbye I went to my room and flopped down on my bed, once again thinking on whether to tell my parents I was gay. Mr. Ishida had been pretty okay with it, once he'd gotten over the shock I suppose. And I really did think Mom at least suspected I was gay... Dad was rather oblivious to things. I’d inherited the same trait from him, after all.
I spent the rest of the afternoon debating back and forth with myself, wanting to tell them but being afraid to. My homework was completely neglected, but by the time Mom called me in for supper, with Hikari's help I'd finally made up my mind. I was going to tell them. Being the Keeper of Courage had to count for something.
Dinner was a quiet affair, with Dad doing most of the talking about his half day at the office and Mom nodding in all the right places. I didn't really talk, or even eat much, pushing my food around my plate as my nerves twisted anxious knots in my stomach. By now I was mostly just worried about how Dad would take the news. Hikari didn't eat much either, choosing instead to watch me with concerned eyes.
Once everyone looked as if they were more or less finished, I finally spoke up. "Mom? Dad?"
They both turned towards me. "Yes, Taichi?" Mom asked, getting up to start clearing the table and cleaning the kitchen up.
I swallowed. It was now or never. "Can I... can I talk to you guys? It's important," I added, gaining their curiosity.
"Of course," Mom said, abandoning the dishes to focus on me. "Shall we go into the living room?"
"Sure," I said, nodding.
"Do you want me to leave?" Hikari asked me. "I could stay in here and clean."
I shook my head. "Stay with us. Moral support is good."
She smiled at me, reassuring me. "Okay."
We all relocated to the living room then, and after my parents were seated comfortably on the couch, I stood in front of them and took a deep breath, steadying myself. Hikari, sensing just how nervous I was, grasped my hand and squeezed it, silently offering her support.
Feeling slightly more calm, I decided to just jump right in to it. "I wanted to tell you guys, well... I like boys. I'm gay." There. I’d said it. It wasn’t quite the weight off my shoulders I’d expected, even though I did feel a little lighter for having said it.
There was surprised silence for a moment, as both of my parents took a moment to process what I had just said. Then Mom surprised me by grinning and exclaiming, "I knew it!"
I blinked, then grinned back, a bit rueful. "I had a feeling you might have known." I paused, looking at Dad. He didn't look angry or disgusted, just surprised, which I was hoping was a good sign. "So... is it okay?"
"Oh honey, of course," Mom said quickly. "Taichi, you're my son and you always will be, no matter what. I love you and accept you no matter who you choose to love."
"Thanks, love you too," I said, blinking back a few sudden tears. "Dad?" I asked timidly, starting to worry. He had yet to say a word, and I was afraid of what he might be thinking.
He shook his head, as if to clear it, then looked up at me. "What your mother said. Only less eloquently." He grinned.
I smiled back hesitantly. "So you're really okay with it?"
"Taichi, I'm not going to lie to you. I never suspected it, so it is a bit of shock to me. But like your mother, it doesn't matter to me if you like boys. I love you anyways. Okay?"
I nodded, feeling overwhelmed. In my wildest imaginings, I had never pictured my parents to be this accepting. Certainly not right away. My dad was always making jokes about me and girls, at my most hopeful I had figured he would be at least disappointed, if not more.
Hikari nudged me then, breaking me out of my musing and reminding me that there was still more I'd planned to tell them, if things went okay.
"Right. Um, there's still one other thing."
"What is it?" Mom asked encouragingly, and was that a knowing glint I saw in her eyes?
"Yamato and I... we've kind of been more than friends for about a month now."
"So you two are dating? I had suspected."
"Is there anything you didn't suspect?" I wondered.
Mom smiled mischievously. "Of course not, I'm a mom, moms know everything."
We all laughed then, and I knew everything would be okay.
chapter seven end. (28 December 2013 1107AM)
soundtrack for chapter seven:
asian kung-fu generation - rewrite, laruku - revelation, laruku - various, others now lost :/
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